A Broken Hallelujah
Jim Tanner’s
Private War
By
Kevin Michael Guest
SMASHWORDS EDITION
* * * * *
PUBLISHED BY:
Kevin Michael Guest on Smashwords
A Broken Hallelujah, Jim Tanner’s Private War
Copyright © 2010 by Kevin Michael Guest
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
Part One:
Jim’s Military Career
Prayed Up
“I remember seeing the ground just as the plane left the area. I wondered where I was going. True, I was in command of the plane, but what I was leaving was one thing, what I was flying into was another.
Most of my life I have been the weak, the picked on, and the forgotten one. Only when I joined the army, did that all change and not for the better. See, I am not a hero, but just your average sinner. I don’t lead a pure Christian life, but I pray for strength and guidance all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I have received it or if I have failed to recognize it.
I am not sure what kind of life I will have after this flight, but I know I am doing the right thing. I mean, I did the right thing.
I once heard, that in this society problems can’t be solved with a gun, well I believe in some situations, a gun is the only problem solver. Out of frustration, anger, revenge, and hatred, I acted. Some may say none of that matters, because my actions have created a positive result, but soon I will know.
As I look to my left, I see the beauty next to me, whom I don’t know. I wonder what she will think of me after this. I wonder if I will ever truly be anything to her, or just a man who brought her home.
I see her looking at me, tears flowing down her face. I know she is trying to piece together all the events that have happened to her. As of this day, I know her childhood has been lost, and though I’m not to blame, I feel as if I failed her.
It’s so peaceful up here. The air is quiet and smooth. As I look out of the window all I can see is darkness, as if I am flying in space. Off to my left, the moon is but a fingernail, as if God was smiling down on me. I don’t know what God thinks of me. I know the Bible is full of killings, but are mine as justified as those were? What separates me from them; time, purpose, or both?
It’s now been an hour since our escape. I can see the light of dawn peeking over the horizon. I am thankful that I won’t have to land in the dark. I can feel my mind beginning to slow. My responses are slowing down. It’s time to tell the world what I’ve done. With the help of my passengers, I shall make the world aware of my actions.
After putting the radio down, peace has fallen upon me. Amazingly, though I am still bleeding, my wounds no longer hurt. I can’t explain why, but as this moment I feel nothing. All I want is to get this plane on the ground, preferably on American soil. After that, I have no plans. I have no goals. If this is the end, then I am ready to go. I have done all my wrongs and rights. I’m prayed up. From here on, it’s only God’s will that will win out.”
The Flight of
Jim Tanner
December 25 and the early morning was still. Overhead, the first arrivals of the day could be seen circling the runway, waiting for their chance to land.
One plane, inbound from St. Louis, was placed at the bottom of the holding pattern. As the plane circled, those of the left side of the cabin had the best view of the airport. The view was disturbing. They could not detect any activity on the ground. It was as if the airport was closed. There was no sign of baggage carriers, fuel trucks, food vans, or any personnel.
After awhile, the unmistakable sight of police cars, ambulances, and fire trucks lit up the tarmac. As the moments ticked by, more and more emergency vehicles came on the scene.
An older woman, who had a clear view, looked out the window and mumbled, “They’re preparing for a crash.”
As the other people in the plane heard the comment, whispers began to circulate. The passengers on the right side of the plane stood and strained to see the airport below.
In the cockpit, the pilot felt the plane roll slightly to the left. He looked at the copilot who was staring at the gauges, but all the instruments were within normal range, even spot-on text-book perfect.
The copilot looked at the captain, “Odd.”
The captain looked at him as he picked up the intercom, “Would the stewardess please come to the cockpit?”
As the announcement went out, the head stewardess walked in, “Yes Captain?”
“We’re not sure why, but the plane has rolled to the left a few degrees.”
She swallowed; she knew the reason. “Well, honestly the passengers are looking out the left side windows.”
The Captain’s face turned deep red as anger overwhelmed him, “You get those idiots back in their seats before they cause us to crash!”
She nodded nervously, “Yes sir.” She walked back into the cabin as the seatbelt light suddenly went on. She made the announcement and the people returned to their seats.
As the Captain continued his holding pattern, he saw the plane coming. He looked at the copilot and pointed, “There it is.”
The copilot turned on his microphone, “Tower, this is Flight 1877, we have a visual on the inbound plane.”
“Copy that Flight 1877; remain in your assigned holding pattern.”
The early morning light crest over the horizon. The passengers looked down to the ground as the light made it easier to see the airport.
The passengers watched as all the runway lights went dark, except for one. The old lady turned away, “I can’t watch.”
The passengers ignored the Captains instructions and rushed to the windows. The plane again rolled to the left.
In the cockpit, the Captain screamed, “Son of a bitch!” He grabbed the intercom and switched it on, “This is your Captain speaking, if you are not in your seat, you will be charged with disorderly conduct!”
The passengers ignored the request. The horror about to unfold was too tempting to look away.
In the tower, the senior air traffic control operator stood at the window with his binoculars. As the plane came into view, they could see smoke coming from one engine. He grit his teeth as he watched the plane wobble.
The air traffic controllers were having difficulty keeping up with the radio chatter. The captains of the other aircraft were increasingly calling for assistance, information, and alternative landing zones. All the controllers could tell them was to standby for further information.
The senior control operator could see the plane was in trouble. Though the front gear was down, the plane was descending too fast. His breathing and heart rate increased as he turned to the emergency operator. “It’s time.”
Two F-16 fighters flew just above and to the back of the plane. The FBI and local police all waited for the landing. The plane continued on its steep descent.
Aboard Flight 1877, the passengers could see the white jet below and smoke coming out of the left engine.
The pilot knew he had lost control of the cabin. There was nothing he could do to convince the passengers to stay in their seats.
Everyone held their breath as the back wheels of the white jet touched down on the tarmac. There was instant relief followed by sudden terror as the front wheels slammed to the ground and broke off. The front of the plane collapsed and the nose slammed into the runway. Sparks flew in every direction as the plane ground against the asphalt. The emergency personnel on the ground quickly covered their ears. Finally, the plane came to a halt.
As the emergency services arrived, they were relived to find the plane was not on fire. Quickly the police and FBI surrounded the plane. The officer in-charge yelled over the loudspeaker, but there was no answer. Slowly they crept to the door and noticed the bullet holes in the fuselage.
A few moments later, the door slowly opened and a young girl screamed for help. The officers rushed in and found some of the girls huddling around the bleeding pilot, all of them naked. The others huddled around a larger girl who was also covered in blood. Quickly, one of the officers yelled for a medic. The emergency workers stepped in and assisted the pilot and the passenger, both were in critical condition. They stabilized the pilot first and rushed him out of the plane. Moments later the injured passenger was taken off. The rest of the girls stayed inside the aircraft.
Sensitive to their needs, the remaining emergency workers took off the outer layer of their cloths and gave them to the girls. Now that their lives were saved, their dignity would be saved as well.
FBI quickly swarmed the pilot, but the medics urged them to stay back. In his condition, he was not capable of running.
As the pilot was loaded into the ambulance, a girl ran up and jumped in. She was quickly grabbed by an officer and removed. She looked him in the eyes, “Let me go!” She fought and fought until she broke his grip. He grabbed her by the hair and she forcefully slapped him across the face. The stunned officer lost his grip and the girl jumped into the ambulance. She looked at the pilot began to cry. She cupped his cheeks and kissed him on the forehead. As she looked him in the eyes, she whimpered, “What am I going to do now?”
He looked at her, tears streaming down his face. She had never looked so beautiful before. He smiled and mustered all of his energy, “You’re going to grow up.”
As the young girl held onto the man, a medic put his hand on her shoulder. “You have to get off ma’am. We have to go.”
She looked at the medic, whose face told her everything. She looked down at the pilot, tears flowing down her cheeks. “This is it isn’t it? This is how you’re going to leave me. This is our final moment.”
The pilot looked at her and softly smiled, “I will always be with you.”
The young woman stepped out of the ambulance and watched as the doors were closed. She fell to her knees on the tarmac as the ambulance sped away.
The Theater
The pilot looked up at the roof of the ambulance. He felt as if he was floating. There was a flash of white light and then he was in a theater. It was covered in red, like blood. The seats were red, the walls were lined with red and light red curtains, the carpet was a deep red color, everything but the screen and the speakers were red.
He looked down at himself and he was dressed for war. His wounds were gone. He looked around and saw children, facing away from him. He was supposed to do something. He felt it deep within him, the children around him wanted to hear his tale, but he was hesitant. “I can’t tell you my tale. It’s not for children.”
The children made no sound or movement; they only looked at the screen.
The pilot felt the urge to talk, to confess. Without thinking another thought, be began. “As you can guess, I’m the guy in that ambulance. My name is Jim Tanner. I was born and raised in the city of San Antonio, Texas. My story is relatively uninteresting until I fulfilled my grandfather’s wishes. I was only sixteen and a sophomore in high school when he died. To my shock, he was quite wealthy, and even more to my shock he left most of the money to me. He had two sons, both of whom were bitter enemies. He had tried to reconcile their differences, but in the end he was unsuccessful. His eldest boy, Jason, lived in Washington D.C. and was a hob-snobbing lawyer who rarely called home and told everyone he was an only child. His youngest son, Bill, was a deputy sheriff in Alabama. He was well liked in the community but had been snubbed so many times by his brother, that he also claimed he was an only child.
In any case, the money was willed to me with the understanding I would follow in my grandfather’s footsteps and join the Air Force.
In the beginning, I was ecstatic to receive the money. I used it to buy all the things I ever wanted, and in my spending spree I attracted the prettiest girl in the entire school, Trisha. Well, she may not have been the prettiest to everyone, but to me she was pure heaven.
You see, I was not a good looking boy. I was six-feet, two inches tall and fat. In addition I was quite harry and wore glasses. I was picked on quite a bit.
Yep, as the jerks in school said, I was a four-eyed ape. All my life I dealt with teasing, rejection, and low self-esteem. Well, that is except for Trisha. I was not shy about asking her out and she was not shy about telling me no. But, when she learned of my inheritance, she said yes. In addition, I gained popularity and the dream high school experience.
Trisha was more than happy to fulfill every one of my teenage fantasies, provided I took her shopping. Out of my lust, and unwillingness to wear a condom, I was blessed with two children, Gina and Danny. At first being a father at such a young age was overwhelming, but having the money to support them helped.
Yep, my life was perfect. Before I graduated high school, I was married to my dream girl, rich, popular, and most of all, happy.
Well, I was happy until graduation when my grandfather’s attorney showed up to remind me of my obligation. You see, though I had access to the money, it was never transferred into my accounts. Instead it remained in a trust controlled by the attorney. If I choose not to enlist in the Air Force, the remainder of the funds would be donated to a local charity.
As you can guess, I went to enlist in the Air Force, but because of my height and weight, they rejected me. I thought this was the best news I had ever heard, but my victory was short lived. The attorney sent me to the army and unfortunately, they accepted me. That was the first shock, the second came after I told my wife. I expected her to be sad, but she was actually ecstatic, so ecstatic that she threw me a huge good-bye party. I tried to get out of military service on multiple occasions, but the attorney was quite clear. “Want the money, go to the army!”
Well, I went, as you have figured out. To my surprise, I did quite well, but unfortunately my family life fell apart. After basics were over, I was granted leave for one week. I notified my wife and told her when to pick me up from the airport. Unfortunately when the time came, she was no where to be found. I ended up taking a cab to our house, only to find a letter on the kitchen counter.
Jim,
I suddenly realized that this was the week you were coming home. I had already made plans to take the children to Disney Land. I want you to know how torn I was about this, but the tickets were non-refundable. Enjoy your week off. We might be home before you leave.
Love,
T
I was very upset over this, but getting mad would not solve anything. I thought, ‘Well, my next leave is not that far away,’ but this would turn out to be the norm. When I had leave, my wife and my children were on vacation somewhere else. They really did enjoy that money.
After my combat training was over, my troop was deployed to Afghanistan. They were a great bunch of guys. I was closer to them than my own children, and that’s always bothered me.
As sad as my family life became, it was about to get a lot worse. A few months into my tour in Afghanistan, I finally got the opportunity to call home.
Darrell walked into the office as I stood in line for the phone. “Hey man, trying again?”
“Yeah and I can’t wait for them to see me!”
Darrell smirked, “What do you mean man?”
“Man, when I got into the army I weighed three hundred pounds, mostly fat. Now I am two-hundred and eighty pounds, mostly muscle. They’re going to be blown away.”
Darrell squinted his eyes at me, “You mean you haven’t been home since you joined the army?”
I never told anyone about my absent wife, but this time I let the cat out of the bag. “Well, I’ve been home, but my family hasn’t.”
Darrell waved his hand at me, “That’s screwed up man!”
The soldier ahead of me hung up the phone and walked away. I stepped up to the counter, pulled out a picture of my wife, and dialed the number. I was so excited when the phone rang. I had been trying to get a line out for a week. Suddenly I heard the sweetest voice in the world, “Hello.”
“Hey baby! It’s so hard to get a line out sometimes, I miss you! I should be home in a month. They’re going to let me take some leave!”
“Jim? Oh hey, I did not recognize the number.”
“Yeah, and did you hear me? I’ll be home in a month. I want you and the kids to be there!”
There was a pause, “That’s great.”
“I really miss the kids, I think about them all the time.”
There was a slight pause; then she said, “They miss you to.”
Jim smiled, “I think we—”
Trisha broke in, “—I need to let you go, I really have to—ohhh— finish up here and get home, can you call later?”
“Sure, I love you.”
I heard another moan followed by, “Love you—.” The phone went dead. I rolled my eyes; the communications were hit and miss. I walked out of the office whistling with a huge smile on my face. I was the happiest man on the base.
A month later I received a package that engraved that call in my memory forever…”
Darrell came in and threw a package at me. I was lying down, just finishing up a game of Zelda on my laptop. I love Zelda, especially now that you can make up your own quests!
I opened the brown wrapper and revealed a video tape. I had never received a tape before. On the top of the tape were the words, ‘Sorry Guy.’ For the life of me, I could not understand what that meant. In any case, I hoped the tape was of my children, but I was probably receiving someone else’s mail.
I popped the tape in the VCR and watched. At first the picture was dark, then a door opened and light from the outside came in. Once I saw who it was, my life was forever changed.”
Jim looked at the children in the theater, “From this point on, things get a bit; well…they go bad.”
They continued to sit in silence.
Jim continued, “Needless to say, I never intended to end up in that plane or doing what I did. Funny how life turns out, but that’s life. See, I know I am not standing here telling you a tale. I am lying in an ambulance, dying, and either you’re my jury or my imagination. Either way, if you’re looking for that heart warming Christmas story full of love and precious memories, sorry to disappoint you, this is not that story.
I’m not Superman, Batman, James Bond, or even the Green Lantern; I’m a damaged soldier who did what was necessary.
I did hear somewhere that God starts some miracles with a disaster, I don’t think this is a miracle, but it has a lot of disaster.
So, like I said before, you’re either my jury or my imagination, but let’s…”
As Jim was about to continue, he noticed a black figure, a silhouette of a man, pointing at the screen. The words in his head evaporated and he felt compelled to sit down. Slowly he sank into the seat next to him. As he watched the screen, he saw the plane he flew.
He became nervous and jittery. An indescribable feeling came over him as he realized what this was. It was his life and it was titled, “A Broken Hallelujah.”
The film started with the end of the video tape. Jim took the tape from the VCR and placed it back into the envelope. He then lay on his bunk and cried himself to sleep, escaping from what he had just seen.
Jim sat in the theater, nervous. He wanted to stand. He wanted to scream, “Shut it off!” He couldn’t. Something inside of him made him sit there. As he turned his head, he saw a girl, with red hair, bruised and beaten looking away. He then saw a girl in a torn green shirt lying on the floor. He recognized them, but could not speak. No one, but the black figure would look at him. He stared at the black figure, but he had no face or body, just the shape of a man.
Jim then looked at the screen. He saw himself with his buddies. They were in battle. He watched as he performed his tasks. He smiled as he was pleased with what he saw, until they were ordered back.
The rest of the troop turned and left, but not Jim. Jim stayed. He was not ready to go. His expression went blank. He wandered off into the local town. As he did, he saw a woman wearing a long robe. Her head was wrapped so no one could see what she looked like. Suddenly she dropped her bag and the little bit of groceries she had spilled onto the ground.
Though her head was covered, Jim could hear the tears coming from her. This food meant more to her than her own life. She sobbed as she kneeled to pick it up.
Jim felt sadness within his heart. He had to help. As he approached, the woman backed away in fear, but he was determined to prove he was there to help, not hurt.
Jim watched the screen and screamed at himself, “Don’t!” No one in the theater acknowledge him. He watched as he knelt to the woman. Suddenly a shot rang out.
Jim cried as he looked around the theater. He screamed at the children, “Why do you want to see this!”
No one answered. He slumped into his seat and covered his eyes. He could hear everything, but refused to watch.
The next time he looked at the screen, he again saw himself, covered in blood and walking into his barracks…
Physiological Interview #1
Jim walked back into the barracks covered in blood. No one had seen him in a week. He was on the brink of being classified as ‘Missing In Action’.
As he walked in, his stench was noticed by everyone. Those who were not in the room suddenly appeared, trying to locate the smell. They stared at Jim, whose expression was blank. Blood was smeared all over his face, his hair, hit hat, his cloths, his boots; everywhere.
His eyes scanned the room as everyone stared at him. As he walked forward, a fellow soldier stood up, “Man you really should take a shower.”
Jim pushed past him and walked towards his bunk when another soldier stood in his way, “Dude, go take a shower.”
Jim looked at the ceiling and began to sing, “Passing bells, and sculptured angels, seem for you the wrong companions, you were warm and gentle…”
The soldiers watched and began to fear him.
Jim continued, “…wishing you were somehow here again. Wishing you were some how near. Dreaming of you, won’t help me to do, all of the things I could…”
Finally the soldier walked up to him and put his hand on his shoulder, “Andrew Lloyd Webber, Wishing you were somehow here again, Phantom of the Opera.”
Tears began to stream down Jim’s face as he sang. “No more memories, no more silent tears, no more gazing upon the wasted years…”
Jim’s best friend, Andrew, walked up to him, “You’re acting weird dude.”
Jim’s demeanor changed quickly to anger. “I’m acting weird? I’ve been told my whole life I was not good enough! Here I am, trying to make a difference and I’m told I’m not good enough! I have to be good for something!”
Andrew was confused, “Man you’re fighting for your country, which means you’re good enough!”
Jim blew him off and pushed past him, “To who?!”
Another soldier who was sitting on his bunk looked up at him, “Man you’re losing it!”
Jim grabbed the man by his collar and pulled him to his feet, “I am, really? Aren’t you the little punk ass who made fun of me when I was fat?”
Andrew grabbed Jim and pulled him off the soldier, “Dude you’re scaring us!”
Jim threw his helmet across the room, “Yeah well, I’m scared! I scared every damn day! I go out and all these bastards want to do is kill me! We drive down the street, bomb. We walk down the street, suicide bomber; we stay in our barracks, rockets! I’m always scared!”
Another soldier walked up and put his hand on Jim’s shoulder, “Man, we’re brothers. You’re good enough for us. We’re your family!”
Jim looked him in the eye, “Family. I don’t know what that is.”
The soldiers watched as Jim retreated to the corner of the room. He sank down and began to cry. The soldiers all looked at one another, worried that his breakdown could one day be theirs. They decided to back off and give him space.
Half an hour passed; then Jim began to speak, “I don’t know what to do. I’m so mad I can’t think.” With a sudden jerk, Jim grabbed his gun and placed it to his head, “I’m done!”
Andrew screamed, “Shit, stop him!” His buddies tackled him as the gun fired, hitting the TV. Gerald jumped up, “Man damn! You know how long it’s gonna take to requisition a new TV!?”
Jim was held to the floor. One of his buddies rushed out of the room for a medic. When they arrived they found the rest of his buddies holding him down. Jim was singing one song after another. The medic quickly administered a sedative. As he passed out, he looked at Andrew, “Why? Why did she do it?”
Jim was strapped to a gurney then wheeled out of the barracks. As the medics transported him, a military police officer caught up to them. “Is this Sergeant Tanner?”
The medic looked at him, “I believe so.”
“Good, he’s under arrest. He left a trail of blood that he’ll have to answer for!”
Jim was taken off the base and transported to headquarters. He was placed in a local hospital that contracted with the military and treated for his wounds. He remained sedated for several hours. When he woke, he found he was locked in a room. Though he screamed for assistance, no one came.
The next morning a guard came to the door. “Get up soldier, come with me.”
Jim was escorted to a small room with a bed and a large mirror. As he looked at it, he realized it was one-way glass. The guard instructed him to sit on the bed and be calm. A moment later he watched a man enter the room. He wore a white coat over his army uniform. He walked up to him, “Good morning Sergeant Tanner. I’m Cornell Mendel, but you can call me Dr. Mendel if you choose.”
Jim smirked at him, “Morning sir.”
Dr. Mendel sat down in a chair across the room, “May I call you Jim?”
“Sure.”
“You can lie down if you choose. I am a psychiatrist; I am here to help you.”
Jim rolled his eyes as he laid his head back on the pillow. “You can try sir, but I’m not sure talking is going to solve my problems.”
Dr. Mendel smiled at him, “We shall see. I would like to start with why you’re here. Do you know why you’re here?”
“I snapped.”
“Yes, good, and can you tell me why you snapped?”
Jim rolled over, “I was fed up with how I was being treated.”
“Who mistreated you?”
“My…” Jim rolled over away from the doctor.
Dr. Mendel was curious, “Your…?”
Jim looked at him, “Does it really matter?”
“Yes Jim, it most certainly does.”
Jim’s expressions kept changing. Dr. Mendel decided to push forward. “Your fellow soldiers said you screamed, ‘How could she do that to me’? Who were you referring to?”
Jim rolled back over, “My wife.”
“What did she do to you?”
Jim stared at the ceiling. “She was so beautiful. On our wedding day, I almost did not say ‘I do.’ I was in shock that I was marrying her, but I managed to say it.”
Dr. Mendel chose to ease into Jim’s mind, “Tell me about the first time you saw your wife.”
Jim laid there, his eyes wide open. “She walked into class, a new transfer student. She was gorgeous. I loved her the moment I laid eyes on her.”
“Why did you love her?”
Jim smiled, “Oh man, I had never seen beauty like hers. Before her, I did not know girls existed.”
“I see, and what grade was this is in?”
Jim smiled, “Seventh grade, American History, Coach Carter’s class.”
“That’s a good memory. What was it about this girl that fascinated you so much?”
“Her face, it was so unique, so perfect.”
Dr. Mendel glanced at his watch, “Did you approach her?”
“Yeah, but I could not say her name right. That pissed her off. That and the fact I was talking to her.”
“What did she say to you?”
“She said, ‘Why are you talking to me?’ I just looked at her, she could do no wrong.”
“She insults you, yet she could do no wrong?”
Jim smiled, “I was infatuated. She could have stepped on my tongue and I would have been grateful my tongue was allowed to touch her shoe.”
Dr. Mendel raised his eyebrows, “That’s quite revealing. Are you often submissive towards women?”
“Quite often, I tend to do as they say, or did. At that point in my life I believed that women, well, cute girls, were perfect.”
“Perfect?”
“They always got good grades, always had their homework, and the whole time they looked so sexy doing it.”
“So you were attracted to book worms.”
Jim rolled his eyes, “No, just Trisha. I worshiped her from the first day I met her, though she either did not know it or did not care.”
“Did she ever ask anything of you?”
“Never, she always rejected me. One time I asked her out and she responded, ‘Don’t you think I am a little too good for you?’ I agreed, but I thought she was too good for anyone. She was perfect and I worshiped her as such.
Dr. Mendel adjusted his glasses. “How long did this infatuation go on?”
“Until…what does this have to do with why I am here?”
“Do you think it does?”
Jim began to count the tiles on the ceiling. “She did not pay attention to me until the tenth grade.”
“Did any of the girls pay attention to you?”
“Some, but most thought I was too fat. The guys did not help me either. They often called me gay because I could not get a date. The gay thing hurt more than the rejections. I was often teased by people I didn’t know.”
Dr. Mendel wrote everything down, “People, especially children can be cruel. Do you think that has affected you?”
“Absolutely, but not in a way you would expect. I value people and their thoughts. I work hard to insure everyone around me is included and I strive not to hurt anyone’s feelings.”
“That’s wonderful, so tell me, when did Trisha become interested in you?
“In the tenth grade.”
Dr. Mendel chose not to push the other issues at this point. Instead he allowed Jim to talk about what he wanted to. “So she finally gave into your worship?”
“Not quite, my grandfather died.”
“So she comforted you?”
Jim sighed, “No, I inherited a large sum of money. The money attracted her.”
Dr. Mendel smirked, “According to your file, you joined the army because of your grandfather. Tell me about that.”
“Yes, as a final request, in his will, he asked me to join the Air Force, but I was too tall and too fat. The attorney overseeing the will then sent me to the army.”
“I see.” Dr. Mendel decided to push a little. “I have spoken to the military police. They told me some bad things about you. Several people were found dead a few miles east of the base, in the city. There are rumors that a U.S. Soldier went on a rampage. What can you tell me?”
“All my life people have thrown rocks at me because I was fat and ugly, or fugly as many people said. I would do something nice and it would come back to bite me in the ass. Now my own wife has…I did not like him shooting me. I wanted him to understand how much I did not like it. I sent a message and I hope many people got it.”
Jim was not being clear, but the doctor pressed on. “Have you been shot before?”
“Yes, I have two scars, and now a brand new one.”
“Were you that upset when you got shot before?”
A tear came down Jim’s eye, “No, but this time I was finished taking it. I made a stand, I just wish…” Jim looked away.
The doctor decided not to push him, “Tell me what happened when Trisha finally noticed you.”
Jim smiled, “I had just bought a brand new truck. It was gorgeous, a shiny new F-150 XLT with leather seats, extended cab, and a bed liner. It had a six-disk CD changer and twin twelve inch subwoofers attached to a four-hundred watt amp. The next school day, I made sure everyone knew I had arrived. I rolled that machine up on a Monday morning right in front of Trisha and her friends. Instantly I saw their reaction to my badass ride as they came running over. When I opened the door and stepped out, they were shocked to see me. They asked how I got the truck and I told them about my financial gain. After that event, Trisha was nice to me. I took her places and bought her things, I spoiled her like I always wanted to.
We went on dates, she was affectionate towards me at school, and because of her popularity; I became popular. Those were the best years of my educational life.”
“What do you think of all that now?”
Jim sighed, “A waste. I bought my friends. I bought my…” Jim rolled over and began to cry.
The doctor felt bad for him, but he needed him to talk. “Tell me about your children. It says here you have a son, Danny, and a daughter, Gina.”
Jim smiled, “Gina was born just before my sophomore year ended. Trisha’s parents were so angry. Her father was so mad he tried to have statutory rape charges brought against me, but because Trisha and I were the same age, I was never arrested.
Trisha’s father hated me. He thought I had corrupted his daughter. He tried to talk the hospital out of putting my name on the birth certificate.
I guess Trisha loved the…Anyway, she stayed with me as my girlfriend, and right before Christmas, during my senior year, Danny was born. Her father then insisted that we get married and that I pay for everything, which I did. I love my children and I support them fully.”
Dr, Mendel smiled, “How do your children feel about you?”
Jim rolled over and looked at the floor. “I have been in the army now six and half years. I joined when Gina was two years old. Trisha was happy to see me go, she encouraged me to leave. I haven’t seen them since I joined the army.”
Dr. Mendel sat up, “Soldier, are you telling me you have never had a leave?”
“No sir, I have had several leaves, but my family is not around when I come home. My own house is virtually a hotel room to me.”
“You mean to tell me that you have not seen your wife or children in six and a half years?”
Jim looked at him, “Well, I have seen them once. One time I did not announce I was coming home. I just showed up. As soon as I arrived, I felt like an outcast. Gina was frightened of me. As I walked up to her, she ran into the next room. My wife smiled at me, but I could feel her anger at my presence. She said, ‘You could have at least let us known you were coming.’ I looked at her and said, ‘So you could take my children and leave?’ That just made her mad.”
Jim sat up and looked at the doctor, “You know that feeling you get when you hug someone and you wonder if their facial expression is as happy as yours?”
Dr. Mendel smiled, “Occasionally.”
“That’s what happens when I hug my wife.”
The Doctor nodded, “Well, you’ve stayed married. You’ve had two children together, that has to say something about her loyalty.”
Jim thought to himself, ‘Loyalty.’ “You want to know something sad doc? That was the happiest I had ever been during leave. You know what my wonderful wife did? She enrolled me in flight school and made the children give it to me as a present.”
Dr. Mendel nodded, “Did you want to learn how to fly?”
“Yes, it was always a dream of mine.”
“Well that’s nice, they thought of what you liked.”
“Yeah, but it kept me away from home a lot, which is what I think my wife wanted.”
Dr. Mendel sat back in his chair, “Jim, tell me about the flying lessons.”
He smiled, “Ah, they were great. My instructor, Mr. White, was awesome. At first I was nervous, but he kept saying ‘small moves.’ I can’t say I am anywhere near a professional or even a novice, but I flew by myself twice in a small jet. It was nice. My leave ended shortly after that, I have only been flying three other times, none with my family.”
Dr. Mendel thought about what Jim was telling him, “Why do you think your family would not want you around?”
“I’m always absent; my kids don’t know me, my wife…” Jim stopped talking as tears filled his eyes.
Dr. Mendel put his hand on Jim’s shoulder, “I think you’re a good man and a good soldier. We have to find out why you snapped. What has happened Jim?”
Jim began to cry, “I can’t…”
“Yes you can Jim, I am here. I will be with you all the way. What did Trisha do to you?”
Jim’s face filled with anger. After several minutes he screamed, “Oh God, why!? How could she do that to me?! I loved her! I gave her everything! I pampered her, pleasured her, anything she asked, I did. I have loved this woman since the seventh grade and she hates me! She said so! I watched it!” Jim looked around the room, as if he was lost, “Oh God, what am I going to do now?! Why do people hate me!? What am I never good enough?!” Jim had snot running down his face. He found it difficult to breathe. His face was flushed with anger, hatred, and sadness.
The doctor screamed at him. “Let it out Jim, tell me what she did!”
Jim pushed him away, “No, it’s not real! It couldn’t be. I can’t take this; I don’t know what to do!”
The Doctor put his hand up, “Confess Jim! Only then can you be well!” He looked at Jim and in his eyes could see him retracting deep inside himself.
“Purple, why the purple one…”
Dr, Mendel slowed down, he felt Jim was not ready. “How did your children feel about you going into the service?”
Jim shook his head, “Danny was too young to understand what was going on, but Gina, she took it hard.”
“Tell me more.”
“Well, at first she was happy, but that’s because she did not understand I was going away. On the last day, when Trisha dropped me off at the Airport, Gina ran up to me. She hugged me and begged me not to go. It broke my heart, but what do you say to a child?”
Dr Mendel shook his head, “Many a soldier has retired on the need of a child.”
Tears began to roll down Jim’s cheeks. “I should have done that a long time ago. Now, it’s all messed up. I miss them so much. I don’t know if I will ever have a relationship with my children.”
Dr. Mendel opened Jim’s file, “It’s says in your file your adopted. Tell me about that.”
Jim calmed down a bit, “There’s not much to say. My biological parents gave me up for adoption when I was a child. I am told I spent a month in foster care before I was adopted by an older couple. Grandpa and Grandma were kind and loving, though Grandpa was a bit stern.”
“Why do you call him grandpa?”
“I never thought about it. I suppose because the other children did.”
“There were other children?”
“Yes, Grandpa had two sons who both had children.”
Dr. Mendel adjusted his glasses. “Why do you think your grandfather would adopt a child when he already had a full family?”
Jim put up his hands, “I think he felt he failed his own children. They hate each other, even to this day. I think he wanted to father a child who would follow in is footsteps.”
“You mean in the military?”
“Yes, it was a condition of the inheritance.”
“Tell me more.”
Jim stared at the ceiling, “Well, as I said before, when I was a sophomore in high school my Grandfather died and left me all of his money with the understanding I would join the military.”
Dr. Mendel shook his head, “That does not make sense. Why wouldn’t his children fight for their share of the money?”
“Grandpa was good at keeping secrets. He felt his children did not deserve to be entitled to his money, or so I surmise. I really don’t know. A week after he died I received a letter requesting my presence from an attorney. It was there I learned of the inheritance and the deal that came with it.”
Dr. Mendel decided to push a little, “Is what happened in your past affecting how you handle yourself now?”
Jim sat up, “No, but that money has brought me nothing but suffering.”
“What did your wife do to you?”
Jim sighed. Back in my barracks, in the bag under my bed is a tape marked ‘Sorry Guy.’ That will answer all of your questions.”
Dr Mendel nodded at the one way glass. A soldier walked into the room, holding the tape. “We have already brought your belongings to the hospital. Would you like to watch this tape together?”
Jim looked at him with disgust, “No.” As Jim eyed the tape, tears began to flow down his cheeks.
“Do you mind if I watch it without you?”
Jim knew his rank and position entitled the doctor to do as he pleased, but the fact that he was asking his permission was comforting. “You may watch it doc, and thanks for asking.”
“You’re welcome Jim. I want to help you. You’re a good man.”
Jim was tired and emotionally drained “Can I please go back to my room?”
“Can we talk later?”
Jim wiped the tears from his eyes, “Sure.”
The doctor looked over at the observation window and motioned. A guard came in and escorted Jim back to his cell.
The Affair
Dr. Mendel sat down with his coffee and opened his brief case. He pulled out the tape and removed it from its sleeve. He noticed the tape was not at the beginning. He placed in into the VCR and rewound it until it came to a stop. He pressed play and watched. The picture was black and after a few moments he reached over and picked up the remote control. He fast forwarded the tape until he saw a light.
As the light got brighter, he realized it was a door slowly creaking open. He strained to see what was going on as the picture was a bit grainy. Two people stumbled in the room. The woman wore a short black dress, her face concealed by the light. As she walked in further, someone was right behind her. After a moment of straining to see what was going on, he could tell the two people were kissing. Their lips were locked in passion as their arms were stretched tight behind each others heads. The man reached over and flipped on the light. The picture flashed and then cleared up as the camera focused and adjusted to the light. The woman reached out and shut the door.
Dr. Mendel shifted in his seat as the video affected his male desires. He looked around the room and noticed it was an office of some sort. He could see pictures on the desk. He paused the video and retrieved a magnifying glass. As he scanned the screen, he finally realized who was in the pictures, Jim. He felt a cold shiver down his back as the woman next to him in the picture was the same woman in the video.
The male dropped to his knees as the woman pulled the straps of her dress down which revealed the color of her bra. He realized what Jim meant by, “Why was it purple? Why was it that?” Something about the bra this woman was wearing was special to Jim.
Dr. Mendel fast forwarded the video. He did not feel the need to witness the full act. Suddenly he noticed the woman was on the phone as the act continued. He rewound the tape to the beginning of the conversation. When he hit play, he heard the phone ring. The woman reached down to her purse and looked at it. She showed it to the male who laughed. She placed her left hand over his mouth as she answered, “Hey.”
The male pushed her hand away then continued the act. She bit her lips then said, “That’s great.”
She looked down on her lover as he tried hard to break her concentration. She struggled with her words, “They miss you too.”
A few moments later she said, “I need to let you go, I really have to—ohhh— finish up here and get home, can you call later?”
The male worked harder to please her. She moaned then said “—Love you.” She abruptly hung up the phone, threw it across the room, and looked down at her lover. “I hate him.”
Dr. Mendel had seen enough. He realized she was having a conversation with Jim. He also realized that the affair was not the heart of Jim’s problems. He probably knew of her infidelity. It was the admission that she hated him that bothered Jim so much.
Dr. Mendel placed the tape back into the sleeve and into his brief case. He sat in his chair for the better part of an hour thinking about the next steps for Jim. Afterwards he decided to give Jim the rest of the night off, the questioning would resume in the morning.
He decided the tape should not be destroyed.
Physiological Interview #2
Jim spent the night crying and sobbing. His sadness prevented him from sleeping. He felt his life was over and all he had left was death. He lay there, staring at the ceiling, praying for death. The night was long and eventually he fell asleep. The next morning he was startled by the guard, “Get up, time to move!”
Jim stood, “Can I dress myself?”
“You got five minutes!”
Jim slowly dressed. When he was done he knocked on the door. The soldier walked in and took him to the mess hall for breakfast. He looked around at the other soldiers eating. Each was sitting as a separate table, guarded by another soldier who stood behind them.
After Jim ate, he was escorted to the examination room.
Dr. Mendel walked in, “I have seen the tape. I understand what she did was horrible, but we have to get through this.”
Jim lay on the bed, motionless, “Did you destroy it?
“No, one day you may need this evidence.”
Jim looked off to the side, “How can I get through it doc, what am I suppose to do?”
“I need to ask you about the insurgent you killed. I need to know why you hurt him so bad.”
Jim rolled over, “Which one?”
Dr. Mendel looked over his glasses, “Particularly the one that fell from the upstairs room.”
Jim sighed, “I figured that’s the one you meant, he bore the brunt of my anger. I didn’t mean for it to go that far.”
“I know Jim, but you’re facing a court marshal. Tell me what happened that fateful day.”
Jim looked at the doctor and began to cry, “I hurt him, badly.”
“I know Jim, but you trusted me with your tape, now trust me with the truth.”
Jim sucked up his tears, “After I tell you this, I’ll never go home. I’ll never see my kids. I’ll never see…”
The doctor smiled, “You never know…now trust me.”
Jim sat up in the bed, “Alright doc, I was walking down the street when I saw a woman drop her bag of groceries. She looked so bewildered, as if she had worked all week to get her small bag of food, which is probably more than the truth. Her face told a story of sadness and despair. I felt so bad for her. All I wanted to do was to make her life better. I wanted to walk up and say ‘I am here to help you. I want you to understand that.’ However, I knew the language barrier would interfere. So instead of talking, I walked up to the woman and knelt before her. I picked up all of her items and placed it back in the bag. She twitched nervously as I handed it to her. She looked as if she wanted to run and to say thank you at the same time. As I stood up, I felt a kick in my chest and down to the ground I went. I knew I had been shot. As I lay there I felt inside my vest, but there was no blood. I was instantly grateful my body armor stopped the bullet.
As I lay there, I looked at a building about sixty feet from me. I saw a gun being pulled out of a window. I calmly stood and walked down the street, keeping my peripheral vision trained on the window. As I almost past the building, I dashed in the door and up the stairs. I burst though the door and found a man cradling his weapon. Quickly he pointed it at me and I drew my sidearm and shot him! He dropped the gun. At this point I normally would have called for a medic to aid the man, but I didn’t. I grabbed his hand and thrust my knife into it. I twisted it and enjoyed his pain. He screamed as I shoved him to the ground. He didn’t appear to speak English, but I knew he was begging for his life. But mercy did not exist in that room on that day.
I walked up and shot him in the knee cap at point blank range. He began to shout things in Arabic, but I ignored them. I look down on the wounded man, ‘Why did you fire on me!’
He did not answer; he lay there, cradling his knee, so I shot the other knee cap. He screamed in agony. I screamed back, ‘Why did you shoot me? I was helping that woman!’ He tossed his arms back and forth in pain, but his motions only made it worse. I put my gun to his head, ‘Why does everyone hate me! By God you better talk!’
He looked at me and said in English, “I am fulfilling my mission!” His explanation only enraged me further. I grabbed my knife and sliced him across the chest. “Your mission, I was helping that woman! I am tired of being shot! I am tired of helping your people! No one likes me! No one wants me! I give all I can, but it’s not enough!”
He put his hand up to me, “Please, just kill me. End this, I beg of you.”
I grabbed his hand and shoved his finger into the barrel of my gun. “Where is your base?”
The man was shaking violently. I began to grow impatient with him. “I won’t ask again, where is your base?!”
Tears streaming down his face, “I cannot betray my people.”
I fired the gun, blowing half his hand off. He collapsed, crying uncontrollably. I grabbed him by the throat and made him sit up. I grabbed my knife and cut his pants off of him. I then held my knife to his penis, “Now, I am going to kill you. But you’re going to decide when.”
He began shaking, “I cannot.”
I flicked my knife. Its razor sharp edge sliced through his penis like paper, long ways. I then stabbed his scrotum and tore the knife from it, spilling his seed all over the floor. He looked at me, “Six Kilometers north east of city. The base is underground. The entrance is a small well next to a hut.”
“Thank you for being cooperative.” I grabbed my knife and slit his throat from ear to ear. He shook and trembled as the knife slowly made its way across his neck. I stood there and watched the blood pour from his wound. He slumped over as the blood continued to pour. I reached into my lower leg pocket and pulled out a black marker. I wrote on his shirt, ‘Justice for All!’
Afterwards, I picked his limp body up and threw it out the window like garbage. As his body slammed to the ground, his head detached and rolled down the street. The people around screamed and ran in horror. I screamed out the window, “This is what will happen to any man who fires on me!”
Dr. Mendel scratched his head, “Why did you hurt this man so badly?”
“I don’t know, I needed him to feel my pain, my rage, my anger.”
“Ah and why were you so angry?”
“Because…”
“Go on…”
Jim began to cry. He tried to hold it back, but he could not. He sat up and looked at the doctor, “Why would she do that! Why! I gave her everything! Why don’t people like me?”
The doctor felt he was getting close. “Tell me what she did.”
Jim screamed in pain, “She…she…she…”
Dr. Mendel placed his hand on him, “I’ve seen the tape, but you have to say it.”
Jim cried and screamed, “She hates me! She hates me!”
Tears came down the doctor’s face, “It’s ok Jim, what about the other people?”
Jim closed his eyes and balled up his fists. “I couldn’t stand it anymore. As I was walking through that town, I saw a man holding what I thought was a gun. I walked up and snapped his neck.”