G O S S I P
Causes, Effects and Solutions
BY
VICTOR IZUOGU
VICTOR IZUOGU
G O S S I P
Causes, Effects and Solutions
BY
VICTOR IZUOGU
Copyright © VICTOR IZUOGU, 2009
First published 2009.
ISBN 978 32486 202 4
All rights reserved. No part of this book should be reprinted, reproduced or utilized in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopies and recording, retrieval system, without the express permission of the author.
Contents
Dedication…………………………………………….
Acknowledgement………………………………….
Preface……………………………… ……….. ……...
Chapter 1:The Nature of Gossip…………………
Chapter 2: Gossip As Mind Poison…..……………
Chapter 3: Office Gossip ………………….
Chapter 4: Religious Views on Gossip…………...
Chapter 5: Gossip and Slander in the Church…
Appendix :…………………………………………
Bibliography ……………………………………...
Dedication
To
My wife, Blessing
our children, David and Esther
With love
The author will accept free-will donations in cheques for the support of charity homes. Such cheques should be made payable to: Global Interchange Ventures and addressed to P.O. Box 1291, Mile 1, Diobu, Port Harcourt, Rivers State, Nigeria.
Acknowledgements
It would be impossible to give terse acknowledgements to the many individuals who have helped me through the years. However, some have contributed so much that their names literally pop up on the pages of my life and demand recognition. Heading the list is my wife, Blessing, who gives meaning to my life while making it fun and worthwhile.
Special thanks to my parents who gave me the core values and foundation for life.
Chief Augustine N. Azogu and his family, played prominent roles in my life. They treated me like a son and brother as they blended genuine interest with love and kindness. Chukwuma Azogu particularly thought me lots of things; boosted me up with the gift of believing in myself.
Pastor Vincent Ebube gave me exposure in the corporate world and made the road I traveled as a Secretary, Banker and Author, considerably easier. Ditto for Chief Goodhead Nwachuku and Honourable Ishmael Nelson Singerr who gave me all the needed support in my career.
Pastor Nnanna Chinda helped to coordinate the building of my first house in Port Harcourt. His sincerity, humility and honesty are exemplary.
Special thanks also go to Rev. Samuel Iheanacho, Professor Bedford A. Fubara and Professor Clifford Teme of the Rivers State University of Science and Technology, Port Harcourt, for their proof reading and editorial suggestions that made this book a reality.
To all of you, whom I have mentioned, please accept my deepest thanks. To you, whom I have not named, please know that even though you are unnamed in this work, you are not unknown to me and you are appreciated more than you know.
God bless you all.
Victor Izuogu
Port Harcourt, Nigeria
March, 2009.
Preface
All of us often find ourselves generating, hearing, or participating in evaluative comments about someone who is not present during the conversation. It is often valuable and sometimes unavoidable to be part of such communications. To function efficiently in a complex social environment, humans require information about those around them. However, social inter-connections are complex, and it is impossible to be present at many primary exchanges to absorb this kind of information directly. Thus, many people are eager to pick it up through an intermediary, whether or not they have the luxury and patience to confirm it later either directly or indirectly. This phenomenon, of course, is called gossip. It is an important social behavior that nearly everyone experiences, contributes to, and presumably intuitively understands. A paradox of gossip is that it is everywhere, though there are numerous social and biblical sanctions against it.
We have two types of gossip: the positive and the negative gossip. While the positive gossip serves the purpose of sharing healthy and problem-solving information, the negative gossip is malicious and destructive. However, most people have an innate craving to pull others down. And so, they continue to cause sorrow, tears and blood; not with guns, not with knives, but with their tongues which have proved to be deadlier than any poison or weapon ever known to mankind.
Many marriages have been broken. Many families have been torn apart. Many companies have collapsed. Many churches have been thrown into confusion. Many committed Christians have denounced their faith and abandoned their calling because of gossip and slander. Gossips are negative-minded. They often see the world as a big problem, and in their eyes, all of us are part of it. No matter how well things are going, they focus on the little negative details. One blast of negative comment from their lips, can erase the smile on your face permanently. Unfortunately, we are always with gossips. We have them, in our homes and families. We have them, in our offices and institutions. We have them, in our churches. We meet them everywhere we go. In spite of the devastating effects of gossip, not much publicity has been given to it; and so they continue in their nefarious acts.
I was motivated to write this book by the need to reduce the prevalence of gossip in our society. As you already know, evil thrives in secrecy and ignorance. Gossip: Causes, Effects and Solutions aims at exposing and attracting public attention to gossips and their methods of operation.
Chapter 1 of this book focuses on the Nature of Gossip. Chapter 2 looks at the poisonous effect of gossip on our minds. Chapter 3 deals with office gossips; while Chapter 4 reviews religious views on Gossip. Chapter 5 takes a critical look at Gossip and Slander in the Church. I hope that after reading this book, you will not only have value for your money, but will also help to achieve the purpose for which this book was written.
- VICTOR IZUOGU
C H A P T E R 1
THE NATURE OF GOSSIP
“There is so much good in the worst of us,
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it hardly behooves any of us
To talk about the rest of us”.
- Edward Wallis Hoch (1849 - 1925)
Virtually all of us frequently find ourselves producing, hearing, or otherwise participating in evaluative comments about someone who is not present in the conversation. It is often valuable (and sometimes unavoidable) to be part of such communications. To function efficiently in a complex social environment, humans require information about those around them. But social inter-connections are complex, and it is impossible to be present at many primary exchanges to absorb this kind of information directly. Thus, many people are eager to pick it up through an intermediary, whether or not they have the luxury and patience to confirm it later either directly or indirectly. This phenomenon, of course, is called gossip. It is an important social behavior that nearly everyone experiences, contributes to, and presumably intuitively understands. A paradox of gossip is that it is ubiquitous, though there are numerous social and biblical sanctions against it. Most societies have explicit sanctions against gossip, and numerous cautionary narratives demonstrate its unwanted outcomes.
Obviously, for gossiping and the sanctions against it to co-exist, there must be value in the generation and consumption of gossip that outweighs the counterforce of the sanctions. There is no denying that gossip, like rumor can wreck relationships, and stir up a cauldron of trouble. The victims of gossip may be hurt by seeing how others perceive their affairs, by distortion or manipulation of information, or by the violation of private matters.
Definition of Gossip
Gossip does not lend itself to simple definitions or uniform explanations. We all know what gossip is, but defining, identifying, and measuring it is a complex enterprise for practical investigation. However, for the purpose of this book, defining the content, circumstances, and functions of gossip will help to put discussions into perspective.
According to the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary, “gossip” means “To indulge in idle talk or rumors about others”. Most of this talk about others involves negative discussions between two or more people concerning those that are not physically present at the time of discussion.
A common feature of gossip is that it often masquerades as “concern” for others. Gossips often hide behind a pretentious expression of concern for their victims. Their opening gambit flows in this tone, “I hate to say anything about this to you, but I’m ’concerned’ about so and so.” At other times, the gossip will seek you out as their ‘confidant’ to unload their ‘heavy heart’ about their ‘concerns’. “I’m very troubled about so and so and I don’t know who else to talk to about it.” In reality, the gossip is not sincerely concerned about solving the problem. He is only interested in talking about it – stirring it up. A perverse man, the ancient book told us, stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends. Gossip thrives on the negative, the controversial, and the sensational. Anyone who is genuinely concerned about solving a problem will go and privately confront the person around whom the issue revolves and express his opinions and concern directly.
The process of gossip
The gossip is like a spider looking for a prey to lure into his trap. He may confide to you, secrets of his private concerns about other people. Perhaps in sympathy, you may express your half-hearted agreement with his concerns, or you may even be lured into confiding your secret to him too.
Subsequently, the gossip will repeat the process with someone else. But next time, he will add your name as an endorsement of his private “issue,” and will eventually even disclose the secrets you shared with him. And on and on it goes. The character of those who gossip is highly infectious. In analyzing this obnoxious character, Robert Greene, the author of The 48 Laws of Power has these words of wisdom to share with us:
The infecting character type is not restricted to women. It has nothing to do with gender. The infecting character’s misfortunes stem from an inward instability that radiates outwards, drawing disaster upon itself. There is almost a desire to destroy and unsettle which is natural in those who possess it. You could spend a life time studying the pathology of infecting characters. But do not waste your time – just learn the lesson. When you suspect that you are in the presence of an infector, don’t argue. Don’t try to help. Don’t try to pass the person on to your friends. Just flee the infector’s presence or suffer the consequences.
The incurably unhappy and unstable people have a particularly strong infecting power because their characters and emotions are so intense. They often present themselves as (innocent) victims; making it difficult at first, to see their miseries as self inflicted. Before you realize the real nature of their problems, you are infected by them.
Speaking negatively about people is widely condemned because it demeans the dignity of man — both the speaker and the subject of the gossip. Watch out, therefore, for people who are eager to divulge personal information about others to you. The problem is that gossip can be very hurtful to people; even damaging to their careers. Sadly, this damage can occur whether the gossip is factual or not. Its effect can last a lifetime. Gossiping causes trouble. Yet it appears that human beings are socially geared for it.
Characteristics of Gossip
As mentioned earlier, gossip is a conversation between two or more people that concerns a third person who is not present. We have two kinds of gossip: the negative gossip and the positive gossip. Ironically, the most popular gossip is the negative gossip that tarnishes the image of those that are not present at the time of the discussion.
Below are other features of gossip:
Most gossips are based on lies. The people gossiping know that lying is wrong. That is one of the reasons why gossip usually begins with expressions like, "I heard" or "someone told me." Attributing a statement to someone else takes the responsibility for its accuracy away from the person speaking. But this technicality does not make it ethical to gossip.
The conversation takes place in private. Gossip is usually a private conversation with a conspiratorial tone that happens between two or more people.
Gossip often thrives on secrecy and ignorance. Where these are removed, gossip is hampered.
The people gossiping and the person being gossiped about know one another in real life. By this definition, celebrity gossip is not really gossip unless the speaker and the listener are friends with the celebrity in question.
The people gossiping compare themselves in some way to the person being gossiped about, usually considering themselves to be better than and superior to the victim of their gossip.
Gossip always contributes to a problem and never to a solution.
Gossip always distorts and exaggerates the true position of things, and is never a reliable source of truth.
Those who gossip naturally feel a momentary sense of guilt when they see the person they gossiped against.
Gossip vs. Rumor
Rumors and gossip have similar distasteful connotations, but most people disagree about whether they are the same thing. Here is a highlight of different views on gossip and rumor:
humanrelys of gossip
8080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080 Rumor is a specific type of gossip. A writer once remarked that rumours are carried by enemies, spread by the ignorant and accepted by fools without confirmation.
Gossip is based on fact, but rumors are based on hypotheses.
Gossip is a tool for maintaining social order, but rumor is a tool for explaining things that people do not understand.
Gossip relates to something people believe has happened, but rumors express what people hope or fear will happen.
Negative Gossip vs. sharing healthy information (Positive Gossip)
There is certain shared information that cannot be classified as gossip. The nature of such information exchange can best be described as positive gossip. Some of them are as stated below:
1. Complaint against injustice, such as complaining to a ruler, judge or others in authority. A person may say in this case: "I was treated unjustly by so-and-so in such and such matter. I therefore urge you to help me obtain justice." This cannot be classified as gossip.
2. Seeking help to correct a wrong deed. A person may say: "Mr. A does such and such which is against the law, so stop him." His intention should be to check the condemnable behavior. If this is not the case, then the statement is gossip. The speaker, in this instance, should be willing to confront the wrong-doer directly with facts, if invited.
3. Warning people against evil and advising them. This could include criticism of unwholesome behaviors exhibited by some individuals. Without alluding to particular situations, names and actions, the warning may not be delivered effectively and successfully.
4. Giving information to avoid danger. Someone may simply want to pass along useful information so as to help others. For instance, a mother telling her child about some other child who was hurt by a car because of playing in the street is presumably not motivated by a desire to make the victim look bad; rather, the intention is to help her own child learn to avoid such a fate. This cannot be said to be negative gossip.
5. An open discussion aimed at proffering a solution. When there is a problem or a challenging situation, concerned individuals may objectively discuss to proffer solutions to the situation. Discussions in this regard, cannot of course, be classified as gossip. The discussants should be willing to invite all parties involved to the meeting for an open and amicable resolution of the problem.
In addition to the above, the following is a list of times when talking about other people is sort of, or sometimes acceptable:
When a major life change is occurring to someone you know and sincerely care about, and you pass on the information to others who might also care about the person.
When you really plan to take positive action to alleviate the situation the gossip refers to, and need a neutral perspective.
When you are warning someone about a person whose practices are definitely undesirable.
When you have accurate information to defuse or counteract a damaging or inaccurate rumour.
In the words of David J. Schwartz the author of The Magic of Thinking Big:
All conversation is not gossip…They serve a good purpose when they are constructive. You can test your proneness to be a gossip by taking this test:
Do I spread rumours about other people?
Do I always have good things to say about others?
Do I like to hear reports of a scandal?
Do I judge others only on the basis of facts?
Do I encourage others to bring their rumors to me?
Do I precede my conversations with “Don’t tell anybody?”
Do I keep confidential information confidential?
Do I feel guilty about what I say concerning other people?
However, if we must discuss about people in their absence, we must avoid making derogatory statements against those that are absent.
oy of the Universe, the Divine O to keep us in all our ways. 80808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080Gossip: a manifestation of Fear and low-self esteem
Gossip appears to be a fear-based behavior; hence you find in those who gossip, a strong need for self-protection. For some people, their professed commitment not to gossip is easily lost in their fears, anxieties, or concerns about how their lives would turn out if they stopped gossiping. Fear is a mental illusion. There is no reason behind it. The word FEAR reminds me of what it truly means. It is False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear mostly exists in our minds and distorts reality. Although fear has no truth behind it, we always see people who are slaves to this monster of human imagination. Remember that what we fear is invariably something that has not yet happened. It does not exist; hence it is not a reality.
Fear depresses normal mental action, and renders us incapable of acting wisely in an emergency, for we can’t think clearly and act wisely when paralyzed by fear. When we are filled with fear that we will fail, before we realize it, we attract the very thing we dread. It is only when you doubt your ability to cope with the things you dread that fear creeps in.
When we are faced with the challenges of life, we do not need to be afraid; we do not need to pull anybody down by gossiping or adopting any destructive method in order to solve problems.
Take bold steps against F E A R (False Evidence Appearing Real)
To overcome fear, we must first understand what it is we fear. It is always something that has not yet happened, that is non-existent. Trouble, broken relationship, loss of job, etc., are first imagined in the mind and they frighten us with their possible occurrence. Next time you experience big fear or little fear, steady yourself. Then search for an answer to this question: “What kind of action can I take to conquer my fear?” Isolate your fear. Then take appropriate action.
We may be physically brave and yet have fears for our business, our profession, or our employment. On the other hand, we may be unafraid of these things, yet fear disease, infection, draughts, etc., so that every fresh epidemic fills us with apprehension and dread. Thoughts of fear have been known to kill a man as speedily as a bullet and they are continuously killing thousands of people. The people who live in fear of disease are the ones who get it. This is because anxiety quickly demoralizes the whole body, and lays it open to the entrance of disease.
Because there is always the other side of the coin, fear can also be a good creative force. It was the fear of ignorance that created schools; the fear of food poisoning that caused safer and healthier methods of preparing and packaging; the fear of accidents that caused safety measures to be applied to buildings, factories and packaging; the fear of going to spend our eternity in hell that influenced a change of belief and positive lifestyle.
In these instances, the fears are positive and did nobody any harm. On the contrary, they have some good implications on our development. It is the abnormal and unreasonable fears that we must get rid of.
How then are these fears to be overcome? In exactly the same way as you would calm the fears of your little child who might awaken during the night and be afraid of the dark. You would first say, “There is nothing to be afraid of.” You might then reason with him, showing him that the room is just the same when it is dark as when it is illuminated, and that the things he fears are merely in his own mind. Then if this is not sufficient you say to your frightened child: “I will stay with you and hold your hand so that you will know that everything is all right, and that there is nothing to fear”. Feeling your presence with him, and being quite certain of your power and willingness to protect him, he soon falls quietly to sleep.
Now we have to treat ourselves in exactly the same way. We are very complex creatures and can actually speak, argue, and reason with our own selves. We proceed in exactly the same way as we did with our little child. First of all, we say to ourselves: “There is nothing in all the Universe that can make me afraid”. This is not a mere empty boast, it is a statement of truth. By this, I do not mean to say that we are so strong that we can meet and overcome all the powers of evil. What I mean is that we have no reason to be afraid because God “…has given His angels charge over us, to keep us in all our ways. In their hands they shall bear us up, lest we dash our feet against a stone” (Psalm 91:11-12). God cannot lie and His words cannot go back to him void. Remember that “He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” If you strongly and truly believe in Him, then you have come into alignment with the inner harmony of the Universe, the Divine order which nothing can destroy, and over which the forces of disorder have no power.
Like our imaginary little child who was afraid of the dark, we may feel the need for something more. In order to give him assurance, remember that the child wanted us to stay with him and hold his hand, so that he might feel and realize that we were with him to protect and guard. In the same way, we can call upon and realize the presence of the omnipotent and eternal God. There is one who has overcome the world and beaten all the powers of evil, who has glorified His humanity and opened the way for us by His own self-sacrifice, and He has said: “I will not leave you”, and “Behold, I am with you always, even unto the end.” When you feel all alone, remember God’s assurance that “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).
Below are some examples of fear and some possible action cures:
|
Type of Fear |
Action |
|
Embarrassment because of personal appearance |
Improve it. Go to barbershop or beauty salon. Shine shoes. Get clothes cleaned and ironed. In general, practice better grooming. It does not always take new clothes to look neat.
|
|
Fear of failure |
The spiritual side of you proves that there is a bigger plan. God gave you talent. Seek it out. Surround yourself with winners. Failure is an opportunity to learn. Making mistakes is essential for long-term success. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. |
|
Fear of losing an important customer. |
Work doubly hard to give better service. Correct anything that may have caused customers to lose confidence in you.
|
|
Fear of failing an examination. |
Convert worry time to study time. |
|
Fear of rejection |
Don’t take it personally, especially if you are in sales. We all experience some form of rejection every week. Become thick-skinned. |
|
Fear of things totally beyond your control. |
Switch your attention to something totally different. Go out into your yard and pull up weeds. Play with your children. Go to a movie. Ease your mind and consult those you respect their opinions who may be of help. Remember not to share your problem with those that cannot help you. |
|
Fear of loneliness |
Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. Be a giver. To attract friends, become a friend. |
|
Fear of what other people may think and say. |
Make sure that what you plan to do is right. Then do it. No one ever does anything worthwhile for which he is not criticized.
|
|
Fear of conflict |
Step into the fear. Look for a win-win solution. Accept that conflict is a part of life.
|
|
Fear of losing a cherished job. |
Become so valuable that you can’t be fired. And if you are, your special skills will open up new opportunities. Keep regard confidence place in in..t situations..re of failing the job interview. 8080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080refining your strengths. Focus on your brilliance; develop excellent connections.
If the fear is strong and appears to be inevitable in spite of all your efforts, update and widely distribute your curriculum vitae. Discuss with people who are in positions and who may be of help. The energy and enthusiasm you employ in doing this will leave no room for fear.
|
|
Fear of people |
Put them in proper perspective. Remember, the other person is just another human being, pretty much like you. |
|
Fear of death |
It must happen to every mortal at God’s appointed time. Have faith. Live every day to the fullest. Explore spiritual truths. |
Fear, of any kind, is not of God. When you are faced with fear, remember God’s assurance to us, “Do not fear, for I am with you; I will strengthen you and help you” (Isaiah 41:10).
Manage your memory in order to reduce fear
and negativity
Lack of self-confidence can be traced directly to a mis-managed memory and wrong perception of things and events. Your brain is very much like a bank. Every day, you make thought deposits in your “mind bank.” These thought deposits grow and become your memory. When you settle down to think or when you face a problem, in effect, you say to your memory bank, “What do I already know about this?” Your memory bank automatically answers and supplies you with bits of information relating to this situation that you deposited on previous occasions. Your memory then is the basic supplier of raw material for your new thought.
The teller in your memory bank is very reliable and never makes mistakes. If you approach him and say, “Mr. Teller, let me withdraw some thoughts I deposited in the past proving that I may not succeed in the job interview I will attend tomorrow”, he will say, “Certainly sir, recall how poorly you performed at the last job interview you attended…Recall how members of the interview panel made a laughing stock of you when you failed to answer their questions satisfactorily…Recall that this will be the 12th job interview you will be attending in seven months and you failed the previous eleven interviews…Recall what your teacher told you about your inability to accomplish things…Recall …..” and on and on Mr. Teller in your memory bank goes, digging out of your brain, thought after thought that proves you are inadequate. With these daunting thoughts, you are very sure of failing the job interview. That is why the Bible says that as a man thinks, so he is.
On the other hand, suppose you visit your memory teller with this request, “Mr. Teller, I face a difficult decision. Can you supply me with any thoughts which will give me reassurance?”
Based on your request, the same Mr. Teller says, “Certainly, sir,” but this time, he delivers thoughts you deposited earlier that say you can succeed. “Recall the excellent job you did on a similar situation….Recall how much regard your spouse and children have for you… Recall what your good friends said about your ability to handle difficult situations…Recall the number of outstanding awards you have received so far… Recall…” Because Mr. Teller is perfectly responsive, he lets you withdraw the thought deposits you want to withdraw. After all, it is your memory bank.
In one of his popular books, David Schwartz confirmed the two specific things to do in order to build confidence through efficient management of our memory bank: [a] Deposit of only positive thoughts in our memory, and [b] Withdrawal of only positive thoughts from our memory. According to him:
Successful people specialize in putting positive thoughts into their memory bank.
Complaint and blame based gossip
Complaints and blames easily lead to gossip. It is common to hear young adults complaining to their friends about ‘unfair’ treatment by their parents, "My parents grounded me for no good reason . . . They wouldn't even give me a chance to explain . . . They don't understand me …They did not send me to a good school, etc." The entire focus of these complaining children abandons the reason for the disciplinary action and targets the "unfair, unjust" way their parents reacted to it. As long as their focus remains on their "unjust" parents, they will never be able to see the magnitude of their wrong and come to repentance.
Their friends usually flow along to get along, giving them an ear to complain to and sympathizing with them along the way. Of course real friends would never do this because they would be truly concerned with their well-being and would remind the complaining children that God put parents in the family to guide and correct them when needed. Rather than complaining, it is far better to focus your attention and energy on those steps you can take to solve, or at least lessen your problems.
Moving from children to adults, I have never seen where a woman gave birth to a success or failure. It is always either a baby boy or a baby girl. After the process of childbirth, the boy or the girl, on maturity, becomes what he or she is determined to become in life. It is common to hear expressions like “I am a self-made man”. But you hardly hear people make statements like “I am a self-made failure”. You know what they do? They point the index finger and say, “I am not successful or happy because of my parents”. Some ridiculously blame evil projections by witches and wizards from their villages or neighborhood! Others blame their teachers, their siblings, or their boss. Some blame every thing from skin color and religious beliefs to lack of education and physical deficiencies. Some blame it on luck. Some say they are too old or too young, too short or too tall; too fat or too slim.
A man is made only when he ceases to whine and revile, and commences to search for the hidden justice which regulates his life. And he adapts his mind to that regulating factor. A man becomes a man, when he ceases to accuse others as the cause of his condition, and builds himself up in strong and noble thoughts. He becomes a real man, when he ceases to kick against circumstances, and begins to use them as aids to his more rapid progress, and as a means of discovering the hidden powers and possibilities within himself.
We are the architects of our fortunes
A man does not get what he wishes and prays for, but what he justly earns. His wishes and prayers are only gratified and answered when they harmonize with his thoughts and actions. Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves. They therefore remain bound. The man who does not shrink from self-sacrifice can never fail to accomplish the object upon which his heart is set. This is as true of earthly as of heavenly things. Even the man whose sole object is to acquire wealth must be prepared to make great personal sacrifices before he can accomplish his objective; and how much more so he who would realize a strong and well-poised life.
Let us look at some examples that show how much we control our future. Here is a man who is wretchedly poor. He is extremely anxious that his surroundings and home comforts should improve, yet all the time he avoids his work, and considers he is justified in trying to deceive his employer on the ground of the insufficiency of his wages. Such a man does not understand the simplest rudiments of those principles which are the basis of true prosperity, and is not only totally unfit to rise out of his wretchedness, but is actually attracting to himself, a still deeper wretchedness by dwelling in, and acting out, indolent, deceptive, and unmanly thoughts.
Here is a rich man who is the victim of a painful and persistent disease as the result of gluttony. He is willing to give large sums of money to get rid of it, but he will not sacrifice his gluttonous desires. He wants to gratify his taste for rich and unnatural foods and have his health as well. Such a man is totally unfit to have health because he has not yet learned the first principles of a healthy life.
Those who eat too much of the wrong foods are contributing to future health problem, but the joy of the moment overshadows the consequence of the future. It does not seem to matter at the beginning. Those who smoke too much or drink too much go on making the poor choices year after year because it does not seem to matter. But the pain and regret of these errors in judgment have only been delayed for a future time. Consequences are seldom instant. Instead, they accumulate until the inevitable day of reckoning finally arrives and the price must be paid for our poor choices - choices that did not seem to matter at the beginning.
Here is an employer of labor who adopts crooked measures to avoid paying the regulation wage, and, in the hope of making larger profits, reduces the wages of his employees. Such a man is altogether unfit for prosperity. Consequently when he finds himself bankrupt, both as regards reputation and riches, he blames circumstances, not knowing that he is the sole author of his condition.
I have introduced these three cases merely to illustrate the truth that man is the causer (though nearly always unconsciously) of his circumstances, and that, whilst aiming at the good end, he is continually frustrating its accomplishment by encouraging thoughts and desires and actions which cannot possibly harmonize with that end.
It is ridiculous that even though men are almost always responsible for their misfortunes, they still point accusing fingers at others. In all these, you will notice that when you have your index finger pointed toward someone else, you will discover that there are three times as many You become sad when you dwell on the things that make you sad.you happy.abounding peace to their possessors.
-made prison hole. fingers pointed back at you. Your success and your happiness start with you. You control and influence your future.
Be Optimistic
To keep yourself motivated, you must resolve to become a complete optimist. Optimists have four special behaviors; all learned through practice and repetition:
First, optimists look for the good in every situation. No matter what goes wrong in their lives, in their office, home or the society generally, they always look for something good or beneficial. And not surprisingly, they always seem to find it. If there is a problem in your environment, look for something beneficial and encouraging about the situation instead of encouraging gossip.
Second, optimists always seek the valuable lesson in every set-back or difficulty. They believe that difficulty comes not to obstruct but to instruct. They believe that each set-back or obstacle contains a valuable lesson they can learn and grow from; and they are determined to find it.
Third, optimists always look for the solution to every problem. Instead of blaming or complaining when things go wrong, they become action-oriented. They ask questions like “What is the solution?” What can we do now?”, “What is the next step?” These traits would discourage gossips from running to you anytime they have the urge to tarnish someone’s reputation.
Optimistic people are usually happy people. You can emulate them. How many times have you said, "All I want is to be happy"? So many of us get caught up in looking outside of ourselves for happiness when, in fact, happiness is something that you can choose at any time. The old saying "Happiness is an inside job" does not refer to working indoors. It means that we choose whether or not we are happy. Our society has, in the past, been obsessed with using material things in a never ending attempt to find happiness only to realize that it does not work.
Fourth, optimists have positive expectations. No matter how bleak or discouraging the outlook, they hold tenaciously to their faith in the final outcome. This habit of holding an expectant attitude attracts the thing we long for. That is why we were encouraged to “call those things which do not exist as though they did (Romans 4:17). No other habit brings so much value to our lives as that of always expecting that the best will happen to us instead of the worst, of taking it for granted that we are going to win in whatever we undertake. Many people kill their success at the very outset by expecting that they are going to fail, thinking that the odds are against them. In other words, their mental attitude is not favorable to the success they seek. It sometimes even attracts failure. Success is achieved mentally first. If the mental attitude is one of doubt, the results will correspond.
Most of us just want to be happy. We should not only be happy but make ourselves happy. We hold the key to a happier life. In any given situation, you can choose how you represent what is taking place. You can give away your power and let outside circumstances take away your happiness or you can claim your God given birthright to be happy, regardless of what is going on around you. Think about it. How many times have you become unhappy because of something completely out of your control? How many times have you let other people’s opinions of you, or even worse, the weather, control how you feel? For most people their happiness depends on how people treat them. If you want them to feel happy, you treat them well and they will be happy. If you want them to feel sad, you treat them harshly and they will feel sad. In that case they are at your mercy when it comes to the control of their moods.
All the material things in the world and all the other people in the world cannot, of themselves, make you happy. Only you can do that. You become happy when you concentrate on the things that make you happy. You become sad when you dwell on the things that make you sad.
WHY PEOPLE GOSSIP
There are many reasons why people gossip. The following examples are a few of the reasons:
1. The absence of the fear of God. Those without the fear of God are prone to gossip. Whoever feels the greatness of God will not gossip. Whoever acknowledges that God is watching all his deeds and utterances, would avoid anything that may displease the Almighty Father.
2. Unforgiving mind. A person may intentionally or unintentionally do something that upset another. Every time the aggrieved person recalls the offence in his mind, he feels angry about it and may express his anger by gossiping against the fellow who offended him in the past.
3. The desire to belong to and blend with a group of friends. Anytime we find ourselves part of a group, we feel some susceptibility to peer pressure and/or the opinions of others in the group. The more respect we feel for the group, the more their opinions matter to us, and therefore the more we feel pressured to align our own opinions with those of the group. Even when we don’t really agree with the group, we will often go along with the group in order to be rewarded instead of punished, or liked instead of scorned.
When a group is engaged in a loose talk aimed at slandering others, a person may think that if he speaks out and tries to stop them they may dislike him and exclude him. So, he joins them in talking ill about others, thinking that this is the only way to be accepted by the group.
4. The desire to raise one's own status by pulling others down. A person may say: "So-and-so person is ignorant, he is not smart." The intention is to praise oneself and show that he has more knowledge than the person being gossiped against.
5. Envy and jealousy. Someone may receive favor or praises for a good performance from his admirers. A jealous person may notice or hear this and gossip against the beneficiary. In the process, the beneficiary may be criticized and insulted, so that people may think differently about the person that had just been favored or praised.
People also circulate malicious gossip for the following reasons:
Some use it as a social tool because they feel too insecure to rely on their own personality.
Gossip can be used to assure those who indulge in it that however bad their own situation is, there is someone in worse shape.
Certain people believe that if they have confidential information unavailable to others, it makes them appear important, knowledgeable and superior, and that people will listen to them.
When some sad people fear another somehow excels them, cutting that person down helps excuse their own failure to achieve in a similar way.
If gossips feel injured, projecting others in a bad light seems to be a fair way of retaliating. It can also be an effective way of winning people to their side in a conflict.
In rivalry with others, it is easier in some ways to prove someone is worse than you than it is to prove you are better than they are. It is a lazy and cowardly way to win a competition.
It can be used as a diversionary tactic to cover up one’s own mistakes and schemes.
It is used for revenge and other malicious purposes.
The popularity of negative gossip
Why should gossip be more often bad than good? If gossip is regarded as a form of indirect aggression, then of course, it should be almost always derogatory, because one can only harm the target by presenting him or her in a bad light. Gossip can be effective regardless of whether it presents the target in a positive or in a negative light.
Gossip may be one more illustration of this principle: People are more interested in hearing and telling bad things about others than good things. It is a common slogan against the press that “Bad news is good news and good business”. The press tends to make more sales when the news is bad and ugly than when it is good and positive. With respect to gossip, stories about norm violations may be more informative than stories about actions that conform to norms.
When the gossip is directed at you
If you freak out or otherwise react badly to gossip about you, people tend to think you have something to hide. This is sad, but true.
No matter what you say or do, some people are going to be stupid enough to believe the rumors. You will not be able to convince everyone that your side of the story is the true one, so your next best option is damage control.
As a general rule, do not confront the person who spread the gossip about you with an angry tone in your voice. Causing a scene will only make them feel more justified in their actions, and witnesses will tend to think you are the one who is irrational. If you feel you must confront them publicly, wait until you have calmed down sufficiently and thought out your strategy carefully.
No matter how annoyed you are, do not retaliate with gossip of your own. You are better than they are, and degrading yourself for temporary satisfaction is not necessary.
In the unlikely event that someone asks if the rumors about you are true, your best strategy may be to remain calm, appear baffled, and say something like "Well that is a new one. No, it is not true and I wish I knew why the gossip would go to so much trouble to spread gossips like that." This response shows that you have nothing to hide, and may make people begin to wonder if the person spreading gossip has a hidden agenda.
If you want a stronger response than the previous one, when someone is trying to tell you what people have been saying about you, hold up your hand and clearly and firmly say something like "She/he never tells the truth about me. I don't want to hear any more about what he/she says." This almost certainly will get back to the original gossip, but first your statement will be repeated to many people along the way, hopefully making some of them think about why you would make such a powerful statement.
Be careful what personal details you reveal to relative strangers. Avoid detailed discussions of income, sexuality and personal relationships unless you know you can trust the person.
Social and cultural functions of gossip
The content of gossip may have important utility well beyond its power to bond people together. It can convey valuable information to the hearer about culture and society. Gossip is useful for conveyance of information to others, for social influence, and for entertainment. It essentially involves codes of conduct and moral rules embedded in concrete stories. It is necessary to add that gossip is observational learning of a cultural kind. By hearing about the misadventures or misfortunes of others, we may not have to endure costs to ourselves because we will have successfully avoided making the mistake they made.
(i) Gossip is a means of transmitting useful
information
Gossip is a potentially powerful and efficient means of transmitting information about the rules, norms, and other guidelines for living in a community. On the surface, gossip consists of stories and anecdotes about particular other people, perhaps especially ones that reflect negatively on the victims of the gossip. Some of the appeals of gossip are simply learning about other people.
(ii) Gossip is a method of Learning
One important aspect of the idea that gossip is a learning mechanism is that gossip should be concerned not only with negative, rule-breaking instances but also with positive, rule-strengthening instances. Although early definitions and accounts of gossip tended to treat gossip as the spreading of negative information, sometimes much of what is gossiped about is positive.
Consider the danger of playing in the street. Children have not evolved to avoid the dangers of motorized traffic. They may play in the street and get run over. How would they learn to avoid this, without gossip? Skinnerian learning, based on trial and error, would presumably work for those children who survive, but because most human beings value each of their children they do not want their children to learn about such dangers the hard way. Direct observation (social learning) may be somewhat effective, but again it is effective only if the child can actually see other children get run over by trucks, and this is neither practical nor probably even really effective. (Children who do see others get run over might become so afraid they would fear to go outside or even cross the street at a light). Appealing to reason is a third way: One might explain the dangers or rules in the abstract, but perhaps this is not sufficiently vivid to impress the child. Therefore, most parents end up relying on gossip. They tell their children about some other child who played in the street and was run over by a car and could never walk again, or never saw her mama again, or whatever. The story is not told as a form of aggression against the child who was injured. Rather, it is told to produce a positive, desirable effect on one’s own child, one that may extend to helping the child survive to adulthood.
Viewed in this way, gossip constitutes a form of social information that uses narratives to communicate rules.
In this, it is not unique. Jesus’ parables, Buddha’s stories, and many other famous stories accomplish the same end. Communicating principles by telling stories is apparently more effective than describing the principles in the abstract, at least for reaching many audiences.
To say that gossip is the result of evolution and serves the goal of learning about culture does not entail that every individual act of gossiping is motivated by the desire to teach or learn rules. Gossip may serve the function of cultural learning even though people may be drawn to gossip without being aware of any desire to promote cultural learning.
(iii) Gossip is a form of social control
Interpersonal relationships present complex sets of rules and expectations, and learning them is no small task. One study concluded that gossip helps people learn rules as to what one should or should not do in interpersonal relationships. Almost one fifth of all rules were conveyed through gossip, such as when a young lady learned the warning, “Do not date more than one guy at a time” after hearing negative comments made about a girl who had multiple boyfriends at once. Not only does gossip provide the informal rules of a culture, but gossip can also serve as history by functioning as a way of making policy. In some non-literate cultures, gossip served a primary role as information management, with conflicts, debates, or trials in the present being influenced by gossip about previous trials, resolutions, and their results.
For those addicted to it, gossiping has some secret pleasures. When you gossip with someone, you and the person you are talking to are displaying reciprocal trust. The people you chose to gossip with are people you trust not to use the information that you are sharing against you.
(iv) Gossip encourages social bonding. The people you gossip with become part of a group – everyone else is outside of your group. Most gossip is negative conversation and the victim of thought poison may think he enjoys it. He seems to get a form of poisoned joy from talking negatively about others. But to successful people, the gossip is unreliable. Talk about people who are not present? Yes, but stay on the positive side. Whenever you leave a person, ask yourself, “Does that person honestly feel better because he has talked with me?” This self-assessment training device works. Apply it when talking with employees, associates, family members, customers and even casual acquaintances.
In summary, when gossiping, people:
entertain each other;
influence one another's opinions;
exchange important information;
point out and enforce social rules, and
learn from others' mistakes.
How these socio-cultural functions of gossip can be redirected to achieve healthier social relationship will be explained in the subsequent chapters of this work. The next chapter will examine the effect of gossip on the human mind.
C H A P T E R 2
Gossip as Mind Poison
“Words can wound deeper than the blade of a sword, or heal better than the finest drug.
- Rabbi Mendel Kessin
The body is what the body is fed. By the same token, the mind is what the mind is fed. Mind food, of course, does not come in packages and you cannot buy it at the store. It is not physical. Mind food is your environment – all the countless things which influence your conscious and subconscious thoughts. The kind of mind food we consume determines our habits, attitudes, personality, etc.
There is a type of poison known as mind poison. It is commonly called “gossip”. Mind poison differs from body poison in two ways. It affects the mind, not the body, and it is more subtle. The person being poisoned usually does not know it. Negative and unpleasant thoughts deposited in your mind through gossip affect your mind the same way food poison affects your body.
Gossips poison the minds of unsuspecting people. They may come to you with expressions like, "Just between me and you." Then they will proceed to poison your mind toward other people that are not there to defend themselves. The gossip will claim that he is revealing the information to you because, "you need to know" and because he is "deeply concerned." What he tells you may be 100 per cent true or some truth mixed with lies. But his real purpose is to poison your mind against people that both of you know.
There is real danger that if you listen to and encourage negative comments about another person, you too will go negative toward that person. In fact, if you are not careful, you may actually find yourself adding ‘fuel’ to the ‘fire’ with expressions like, “Yes, and that is not all. Did you hear…..” type of comments. One thought, positive or negative, sets off a whole chain reaction of similar thoughts. You may, for example, start off with such a simple and minor negative topic as a person’s accent, and find yourself soon thinking negatively about such unrelated topics as his political and religious beliefs, the car he drives, his personal habits, his family members, his eating habit, etc. Thoughts, indeed, breed like thoughts.
In one of his popular books, Killed by Idle Gossip, Rosnow Robin suggested two basic ways we can prevent others from engaging us in gossip:
One way is to switch topics as quickly as possible with some remarks like “Pardon me, but while I think of it, I’ve been meaning to ask you….”
A second way is to excuse yourself with a “sorry, I’m late now…” or “I have a deadline to meet. Will you excuse me?” Make a forceful promise to yourself never to engage in gossip. Refuse to let others prejudice your thinking.
Mind poison is subtle but it accomplishes big things. Do not give your ears to negative people. They will poison your mind. Gossip reduces the size of our thinking by forcing us to concentrate on petty, unimportant things. It warps and twists our thinking about people because it is based on a distortion of facts. It also creates feelings of guilt in us the moment we meet the person we have gossiped against.
Garbage at your doorstep Vs. Garbage in your mind
Let us look at this illustration. If I came to your house to dump a heap of garbage at your doorstep, I am sure we would have problems. Your reaction would be immediate. You would either whip me physically, call the police to have me arrested or react promptly in other ways to register your displeasure. For months, you would even go ahead to tell your friends and neighbors about the ugly incident. But what do you do to the people who dump heaps of garbage in your mind on a daily basis? How do you respond to the people who come along and tell you unkind things about others? How do you react to those who always draw your attention to the negative aspects of everything and everyone? You don’t stop them immediately; do you? You may think they are harmless because the effect of what they do is not instant and not in a physical form. The truth is that the garbage dumped in your mind is more harmful and deadly than the physical one dumped at your doorstep. Every thought that goes into your mind has some effects on your future to a very large extent. Before a man can accomplish anything of an enduring nature in the world, he must first of all acquire some measure of success in the management of his own mind. Because out of the heart are the issues of life.