Possibility Parenting:
40 ideas for working with and parenting teenagers
Paul Hackett
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Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2012 Paul Hackett
paulhackett@aol.com
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Dedication
To Lucy, Alfie and Leo.
Table of Contents
40 ideas for working with and parenting teenagers
8. Ready-aim-fire is not necessarily the best order.
13. Parley (meeting on neutral ground)
20. The best you is always with you
21. Falling out the family tree
25. A letter from your inner adolescent
26. Jedi mind trick 1(Jabba sees the boy and not the man)
28. Share battle scars (u got thru adolescence)
36. What the Romans did for us
Introduction
Over the many years I have had the fun and sometimes exacerbating job of working with teenagers and their families as a social worker and a therapist I have lost count of the number of times people have asked me ‘what books I would recommend?’ I must confess that a lot of books on teenagers and how to work and live with them left me cold. I understand now that it was the element of prescription- the idea that following a set formula to effect change that I struggled with- it just did not fit with my experiences. And so the idea to collect some of my own ideas and thinking came out of this struggle.
Possibility Parenting is a collection of ideas that have at their heart the idea that parents are resourceful, hard-working and loving. They want the best for their kids. In wanting the best for our kids we often retain a sense of possibility that our actions might change or steer the course of their lives towards bright, happy futures. Sometimes we might have lost a sense of what actions to take and this collection of possibility flavoured ideas are intended as both useful ideas and useful ideas to reignite your own creative resources.
As a collection of ideas my hope and intention is that it will be useful to practitioners and parents alike. In steering clear of being a ‘parenting manual’ it allows parents and practitioners the opportunity to decide on the most useful courses of action rather than prescribing them.
I hope you find in the ideas something useful and possible. I also hope you get a sense of the enjoyment of my work through which these ideas were born.
40 Ideas for Working With and Parenting Teenagers
The great Psychiartist, Milton Erickson (O’Hanlon, 1987) has been a vast influence on a great deal of therapists and thinking around therapy and change. The idea of utilisation originates with Erickson’s approach which utilised whatever expereinces or competencies clients brought with(in) them to effect change. To give one example from amongst many, Erickson instructed a young woman with a gap in her teeth to practice aquirting water through it as a way of beginning a relationship with a young man who kept appearing at the water cooler when she went to get a drink. In doing this I have come to realise he also gave her the beginning of a relationship with herself. In defining this idea Brian Cade (2001, p84) has suggested that “people already have, from within their own personal experiences and histories, the resources and areas of competence they already need from which to draw in order to surmount their difficulties.”
A lot of the ideas and suggestions in this book will, I hope, utilise the skills and resources you already have and already experience in your parenting. Before you start to flick through any further you might consider the areas of your life in which you currently feel a sense of competence, be that at work, in other relationships or in the home. How might you utilise these skill and competencies when considering how to manage your teenagers?
Shame and embarrassment are often given as reasons for not making change, recruiting supporters and reaching out to others. They factor so high I thought it useful to devote a few discreet words to them. Discreet because stepping into and out of your comfort zones, using the familiar and unfamiliar are themes that run through these ideas and hopefully you will feel sufficiently energised and or galvanised to give some ideas a go.
When I go with my oldest so, aged four, to feed the ducks he- if the weather is nice- always wants a paddle. And so he takes his trousers and pants off and splashes around happily. No amount of coaxing will keep those pants on. He does not see my slight discomfort at whether other parents are silently disapproving of this and I am pleased that he does not.
Creating differences and making changes for the better might call on us to experience some discomfort and social embarrassment alongside experiences of laughter and joy. Would you rather sit on the bank or splash in the water?
When I was a twenty-two year old I got a job through my brother-in-law as residential social worker and I started doing shifts in a children’s home. On about my third day or so a huge rumpus occurred with a fifteen-year-old boy angry and lashing out a staff. He was forced to the floor by me and several other staff and I found myself holding his right arm. As I looked along the line of my arms to where they held his arm I realised my arms were shaking and I felt scared. The boy looked up at me as he thrashed around
“First time you have done this Paul?” he asked.
“Yes” I said.
I think he could sense the fear and bewilderment in me.
“Don’t worry,” he said “I won’t struggle with you; you don’t have to press down.”
I released the pressure of my shaking arms and the boy continued to struggle and thrash around without moving his right arm. After twenty minutes or so he had calmed down enough and was let go. Later the boy and the other young people congratulated me on my first restraint- they said I had done well.
Sometimes it is useful for a teenager to know that you have fears for them and for you as a parent, professional and person. A pattern sometimes develops where we feel we should have the answers to a dilemma by dint of being on the earth slightly longer than another person. This pattern can sometimes be useful and sometimes it can get in the way by dividing those involved into separate camps. Admitting fears often works to (re) join people together and to view the struggle as essentially one each wants a way out of. Admitting your fears is a way of opening up conversations rather than closing them down. Some openings might usefully be achieved through these statements:
* I am scared about how we are all doing as a family
* I am afraid that I am not doing a very good job as a parent
* I am worried as hell for you, for me, for the future
* My biggest worry is that I won’t be able to help you achieve what you want to.
* I’m frightened that our not talking at the moment will continue as you get older and we will move too far away from each other.
In the midst of difficulties we all forget the resources, skills and successes we have had. One lovely tool I read about from Yvonne Dolan (1991) was a rainy day letter where we write a letter to ourselves detailing our strengths and resources so that we can be reminded of them during particularly rainy (and stormy days). This is an idea that might work for you also. Another idea is to write your own manual.
Imagine your teenager was a freshly delivered toy all wrapped up and ready to go. Remember the frustration of getting a new toy or a new appliance where the operating instructions were either unclear or not included. Think about the groan you might emit when a recipe you are following veers into complexion and confusion. This is your chance to write your own manual for your teenager in the clearest terms possible. In writing this manual imagine it will be read by someone who does not know your teenagers well and who, without clarity, would likely struggle with this complex, rewarding toy. This manual should start with the words: