Healthy you…
Healthy LOVE
By NADINE PIAT-NISKI
I dedicate this book to all of the men and women who
would like to know themselves better so that they are
able to Relate and Date with increased ease & connection
for lasting love…
for HEALTHY LOVE!
I am a certified Professional Coach, Writer and Speaker and I am passionate about assisting my readers and clients to overcome relationship challenges and live a life full of quality connections, real intimacy, love and rocking relationships. I work with clients across the globe and it’s universal - no matter where you live, the quality of your relationships are a reflection of the relationship you have with you, and anyone can have fantastic relationships once they know how.
Healthy You, Healthy LOVE provides powerful mindsets, lessons and strategies that will significantly assist you with your relationship needs, wants and desires. Let’s work together to accelerate your unique personal vision.
The opportunity for real love is abundant.
Believe it!
With love,
Nadine
1st Edition Published 2011 by Nadine Piat-Niski, Australia
Smashwords Edition
Nadine Piat-Niski and Calibrate Coaching owns the content and copyright to the ‘Healthy you, Healthy LOVE’ eBook.
NO PART of this eBook may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording or by any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author, except where brief passages are quoted for the purposes of review.
Nadine is a certified Professional Personal Coach and Behavioural Change Coach and she shares her knowledge, learning, tips and advice as guidance only, we do not take responsibility for your life decisions.
We encourage you to make informed decisions in your life and to seek professional support as necessary.
Talk to Nadine in person via her website:
or Facebook:
http://facebook.com/CalibrateCoaching
PO Box 3704
South Brisbane QLD 4101
Australia
3 Happiness is ONLY one emotion, NOT the only!
5 A Mystical Path VERSUS Reality
6 Guilt , Regret & Forgiveness
10 Personal Power VERSUS Power Playing
11 Address your Needs & Live by your Values
16 Is your PAST robbing your PRESENT?
21 Notice what you are focussing on… and watch it expand!
24 When you Change so does Everything else!
27 Confrontation OR Communication?
31 ‘Healthy you, Healthy LOVE’ in summary
I wanted to write this eBook to offer support to those of you wanting to have satisfying and healthy relationships, to recover from a breakup, to increase your self-awareness and to learn skills to understand yourself and others more clearly. If you would like less stress and less anxiety in your life, then this eBook is a powerful introduction to awareness and change. The ability to live with more love, joy, ease and clarity is within each of you, all you need is to learn how to tap into it.
When I first started my business I had a very clear idea of how I wanted Calibrate Coaching to develop. You see, prior to becoming a coach I was quite unwell and as a result of this experience I embarked on a personal development path, which was the best thing that happened to me as it lead me to study and the ability to offer my expertise and knowledge to you. However, due to the illness, which eventuated as a result of a flu virus (I am now very well), my doctors told me that I would need to take it easy and not over do it, indefinitely! This information was not easy to swallow! I was and still am a vivacious person who loves to connect and engage in life and I felt restricted. Of course the information presented was accurate, I did need to take it easy, however this put a limitation on my creativity and vision. I put in place a threshold of only seeing 10 clients a week, however my clients started referring and I was writing a column for a city newspaper so I was inundated with clients wanting to work with me. I still work with clients one-on-one worldwide via skype and will continue to do so, however I wanted to be able to reach many more people in need of assistance.
As a Personal Coach, Behavioural Practitioner, Mentor, Speaker, Workshop Facilitator, and Writer, I love to work with my clients to assist them to address whatever it is in their life that is not “going to plan”. The more people I can reach the better and this eBook offers powerful and useful knowledge and information. Healthy you, Healthy LOVE represents my passion for psychology and many years or research, study, reading and experience. This knowledge significantly improved my life, and I now share these tools and information with my clients and readers so you too are able improve your life on all levels.
‘Healthy You, Healthy Love’ is a compilation of some powerful life tools and philosophies that will be able to assist you to have healthy and loving relationships. Even though ‘Healthy you, Healthy Love’ strongly focuses on romantic relationships - overcoming challenges, self-worth, breakup recovery, mending a broken heart, emotionally preparing for new love, and so on, there is plenty of other additional information and lessons provided in ‘Healthy Love’ that are transferable, meaning they are relative to all relationships such as your family, friends, colleagues, business partner, etc.
I encourage you to read the chapters consecutively as most of the chapters flow on from each other. Also, as you read you may want to highlight certain points and information that you might like to refer back to or explore later in more detail.
May you embrace the learning’s and be open to new perspectives so that you too will be able to experience the joy of love from the inside out!
For further information about our services please view our website… www.CalibrateCoaching.com or email us at support@calibratecoaching.com
May you enjoy reading Healthy You, Healthy LOVE!
ACCELERATE CHANGE
Further to the powerful content and information available to you in Healthy You, Healthy LOVE, we offer additional professional products and resources that will enhance your development and understanding.
If you would like to accelerate change and explore aspects of yourself and your life that will enable you to live with less stress and assist you to create the connection and love you desire, then contact Calibrate Coaching for One-on-One Professional Coaching.
We provide worldwide support and coaching.
Contact us via our website to make a time for us to connect with you via skype or call us directly on
+61 (0) 408 50 11 60
Stop banging your head against the wall or going around in circles!
What does it mean to “live the learning”? Have you ever made the same decision or mistake over and over again and wonder why you continue to do this very same thing over and over again? The reason why many of us keep repeating history is that we are not learning from these experiences on a neurological/cellular change level. How much frustration, disappointment and heartache does one need to experience in order to change the way they move through life?
What kind of behaviours or situations do you continue to repeat? Do you go out with emotionally unavailable women or men, try too hard for someone to like you, sleep with men too soon hoping that they will fall for you, overeat when stressed and lonely, shutdown and withdraw or yell and react instead of learning to communicate gracefully, constantly asking for attention and compliments knowing that it pushes people away, etc…
You are only able to the Live the Learning from unwanted behaviours & experiences through information, understanding and awareness. Without this understanding and awareness it’s nearly impossible to integrate change, as you cannot see what you would like to address, tweak or calibrate.
“When you cut too many corners you go around in circles!” This saying is very accurate and relative to Live the Learning. You need to go deeper and address your challenges properly for long-term change, otherwise you will most likely continue to repeat the same behaviour, or run into other unwanted problems. Cutting corners almost always comes back to haunt you one way or another.
The following equation breaks down the steps recognised to generate change. The first part relates to awareness, which reveals that if you are not conscious of what you want to change then change is highly unlikely. You may need knowledge and further information to effectively start the process. The second part of the equation shows that integrating new skills and new ways to deal with your challenges over time will create the change you seek for the long-term.
(Knowledge + Understanding) x (Implementation + Time) = CHANGE
Why is it that many people only tend to make noticeable changes in their life when they hit rock bottom? Normally the emotional pain is so shocking or debilitating that the person realises that they can no longer continue to live this way. I encourage my clients and other people in my life to be bold enough to recognise their unwanted emotions and behaviours sooner rather than later, so that the point of “rock-bottom” does not need to come to play for them to address their unwanted life patterns, actions and decisions. Once you recognise that the way you have been moving through life is no longer serving you, you will then be ready for new experiences and ready for change – and be able let go of your previous ways, allowing you to redefine your aspirations, vision, goals and ideal life.
Getting clear of your intentions behind your behaviour is the key to a new you, such as; better relationships, career advancement, more passion and fulfilment, less stress, anxiety and depression. However, it’s necessary to be honest with yourself to do this, otherwise long-term change is unlikely to happen.
For example:
a) If you are a person who always seems to attract emotionally unavailable partners or controlling relationships then you need to stop and learn from this repeated decision-making. What drives you to persevere or engage in a relationship of this nature? Do you think that they will change, maybe you don’t think you deserve any better or you’re possibly not aware of the unhealthy dynamics? Maybe you’re mirroring your parent’s relationship? It’s imperative to learn what is happening within you, which may be subconscious that is standing in the way of you having a healthy relationship with an emotionally available and loving person.
b) If you are a pleaser, a do-er or helper, and often say “yes” instead of “no” and find yourself tired, over committed, maybe letting people down - then find out what is driving you to continually repeat the behaviour. Is it approval, your value attached to being helpful or capable, are you looking for recognition, are you a martyr or caught up in a victim mentality, or do you use it as ammunition to get your way?
Start learning from the things in your life that are not pleasing you or bringing you joy. The desire to learn and then live the learning can produce brilliant change in your life.
For more fulfilling relationships and overall enjoyment be invested to learn more about your wonderful self – while you wait for everyone else to change you are not taking responsibility for your own life. It STARTS with YOU!
Getting over you… or the IDEA of you!
Are you in a relationship and feeling lonely or grieving the loss of a connection that once was? Maybe you had a vision of how this relationship was supposed to develop and it has been severed before you were ready. Are you in shock or disbelief? Are you grieving another short-lived relationship that started beautifully to quickly tumble and fall? Do you feel lied to, cheated or let down? Did you do something you wish you hadn’t and you are feeling guilty and remorseful?
Relationships end for a myriad of reasons and regardless of who did what, the first step is to come to terms with the fact that the relationship is OVER. The longer you hold onto the fantasy, hoping that it will work out, or thinking that your life is going wrong, the harder the transition will be from, a) The Break-up, to b) The Recovery, to c) Meeting Someone New and forming a new healthy loving relationship. Invest time and energy into healing - otherwise the road to breakup recovery can be very long and painful!
It’s true, sometimes people do get back together, however this is not a useful nor helpful way of thinking, this will only drag out your recovery. And why get back together if nothing has changed? The mindset you need is that you ARE SINGLE!
You may also be attached to the idea of a relationship rather than the relationship itself. The desire to be in a relationship may very well be keeping you in a relationship that is not supportive, connected and loving. Sometimes when a relationship ends, especially when it was not good for you, you can miss the loss of a desired connection rather than the actual person. You could be grieving your idea of love.
When clients first come to see me when going through a breakup, they will either be; wishing they were still in the relationship, relieved it’s over, feeling lost and vulnerable, or experiencing a mixed bag of emotions. They may feel hurt, sad, devastated, angry, guilty, mislead or other unwanted emotions have surfaced. For those wishing that the relationship had not ended, often throughout the course of their coaching sessions they will start to see the relationship clearly and will no longer wish to be back in it… and certainly not how it WAS.
While you are emotional and grieving it’s very hard to see what actually took place in the relationship breakdown. Give yourself time to be sad, to feel the pain and the loss. Once you allow yourself to grieve you give yourself permission to be real. When you pretend you then delay the healing process, which is likely to cause more emotional scaring than you realise. This breakup does not define you and the sooner you look to grow and develop from this unwanted experience the sooner your heart will heal and you will be open to connect once again.
The fact is that LIFE DOES NOT ALWAYS GO TO PLAN and whilst you are holding onto your “plan”, you will not see that this IS part of your life plan, it is what is, and there are PLENTY of wonderful things that can result out of a breakup. Believe me there are! You might not be feeling it right now, however you will heal, you will feel joy and you will love once more. Again, please do not skip the healing process, otherwise your previous challenges will almost certainly follow you and be repeated.
Explore you, understand the grief, the anger… all of the emotions that are surfacing for you and learn from the breakup. If you are still together and questioning whether to stay or leave then you may be grieving the thought of breaking up before you have broken up! Either the relationship can be improved and strengthened or it may be time to part ways. If you want to strengthen your struggling relationships then I can assure you they typically do not improve without effort, nor is recovering from a difficult breakup easy without investing some time in growing and learning from the experience. Find the “gems” of learning, gems are information, realisations and new perspectives that will assist you in future love or to improve your current relationship.
About 13 years ago I went through a relationship breakup that was particularly hard for me to process. I knew that ending the relationship was required, however I felt miserable, as though a part of me had been cut off! I would wake up each morning feeling sick with anguish. All I wanted was to go back to sleep and not feel this pain. After too many dark days I decided to not be afraid of this pain, to appreciate that it was to be expected and that I would recover from this. What was this pain here to teach me?
I became super focussed on healing and in order to heal it was imperative that I reconnect with me and also get VERY honest. What was I believing about me that was adding to the angst, what did I believe about love that was also contributing to my pain? I wanted to learn from this relationship so that I would not continue to repeat the same mistakes and behaviours in the future. Strangely enough I became excited and intrigued by what I would find, my focus was on learning! This process created a real shift internally because with my passion to learn I was no longer encouraging depressing thoughts of, “how could this happen to me?”, “life is unfair”, etc. This willingness to be introspective and open to self-reflection continues to support me and enhance my life and as a result I now work with others to assist them down their path of discovery, recovery, change and fulfilment.
It may seem surprising that I moved from feeling devastated to being excited – there was still some sadness amongst the excitement and my new thirst for personal development, however my new learning’s and the change taking place from within enabled me to shift these “unwanted” emotions more easily. It was wonderful!
If you are having very dark or suicidal thoughts I strongly recommend you contact a local help hotline or seek a local professional therapist to assist you through this difficult time. Let people around you know that you are not okay and needing support. You are NOT alone, people are here to assist you, just ask! There is no shame in admitting you are struggling. GET HELP NOW.
Be gentle and kind to you, these unwanted feelings will pass and your heart will heal! You may feel as though you are in a tunnel, however look for the light, it will surely come!
Happiness is ONLY one emotion, NOT the only!
There is not one perfect emotion, there are
plenty more for the living…
When we are growing up and even as adults, when we talk to our parents about life and the decision we are confronted with, our parents may say something along the lines of – “I just want you to be happy darling, or as long as you are happy then I am happy!”. Of course it would be great to be happy, pumped and high on life 24/7, however this is not realistic and while you are striving for this one emotion, you are running away from other emotions that are also important and once understood will allow you to experience happiness much more frequently.
When going through a difficult time in your life such as losing a job, death of a loved one, ending a relationship, the emotion is very rarely happiness, instead you might be feeling sad, angry, confused, betrayed, rejected, hopeless, etc… Because these emotions are perceived as bad emotions or link to failing, they are often not appreciated for their beauty and significance. These emotions are here to teach you about you, do not hide from them - connect with them and learn to understand them so that you can in fact experience a life of increased ease and joy.
When we are happy, joyful or delighted our behaviour also changes - we may be more energetic, more engaging, kinder, more open. When we are sad, anxious, lost or angry - we may be withdrawn, quick tempered, aggressive, turn to alcohol or drugs, food/over eating, etc… as a result we create more unwanted emotions and behaviours. Stop the spiralling, and start listening, feeling and hearing what is happening inside of you. I suggest you start to actively become more aware of your emotions so that you can begin to find out what is at the root of them…
And what is at the root of your emotions you might wonder? - your beliefs are at the core of all that you do! To start recognising your beliefs I suggest you start to listen to your internal dialogue, your verbal dialogue may also be presenting these gems of information. What is it that you believe about the relationship breaking down, what do you believe about yourself, about men or women, about life in general that is contributing to your stress, discomfort and feelings of YUCK!
I suggest you write down any thoughts or beliefs that you can identify. Take a moment and try to access this internal dialogue as these beliefs may be running subconsciously. Even if you think they sound ridiculous or embarrassing, it does not matter, identify and write them down. Here are some examples:
There will be no one else
There must be something wrong with me
Everyone is out to hurt me
I’m not smart enough
I’m not pretty enough
If he or she doesn’t want me then who else will?
I’m too old
I am supposed to be married by now
I missing out of having the life I dreamt off
I can’t have what I want in life
I am never good enough
I am not worthy
Everyone treats me badly
No one cares about me or loves me
I can’t get anything right
I am hopeless in relationships
All women are users
All men are bastards
Can you see how these beliefs could be contributing to you feeling less worthy and less lovable and adding to your dis-ease, your stress, and unwanted emotions? These beliefs take you further away from the happiness you seek.
Once you can identify some of your beliefs, I suggest you ask yourself the following question for each belief, as per below:
How do you know it to be true that you are not good enough?
How do you know it to be true that everyone treats you badly?
How do you know it to be true that all men are bastards?
How do you know it to be true that you are not good-looking enough?
How do you know it to be true that .....?