Recovery from Hazardous Parenting:
How to Reclaim Your Life After Raising Children with Behavior Disorders
Brenda McCreight, PhD
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2012 Brenda McCreight
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
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How to Reclaim Your Life After Raising Children with Behavior Disorders
INTRODUCTION
Hazardous
1. involving great risk
2. depending on chance
Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003
Parenting
1. The rearing of a child or children, especially the care, love, and guidance given by a parent.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Behavior disorder
1. Any of a group of antisocial behavior patterns occurring primarily in children and adolescents, such as over aggressiveness, over activity, destructiveness, cruelty, truancy, lying, disobedience, perverse sexual activity, criminality, alcoholism, and drug addiction.
Mosby's Medical Dictionary, 8th edition. © 2009, Elsevier.
Recovery
1. the act or process of recovering, especially from sickness, a shock, or a setback; recuperation
2. restoration to a former or better condition
3. the regaining of something lost
Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003
Why I Wrote This Book
You will find that this ebook does not mention your child very much. That’s because it isn’t about him or her. This book is about you. I know you love your child/young adult, and that you will always care about his well being. I want to acknowledge and confirm all the love and opportunities and support and care that you have given this person while she was fully your responsibility. And, I want to validate the essential *goodness* that is at the core of your child/young adult – even though it may have been difficult for you to access at times.
I have been a therapist specializing in working with children and teens who have been diagnosed with behavior disorders since…..a long time ago. I am also the mom of 12 who have multiple diagnoses. Some of my children are now young adults, some are still growing, and all have been diagnosed with conditions that are considered to be in the behavior disorder category.
In my clinical practice, I have found that most of the children with whom I have worked were raised by loving, thoughtful, and well intentioned parents. Some were the genetic parents of the child, but most have been the adoptive parents. All of these parents began their parenting journey with hopeful optimism and a profound belief that as long as they did everything right, or least did their best, then their child’s life would be productive and fulfilling and the parenting experience would be ultimately rewarding.
The parents learned all they could about their child’s conditions in order to ensure that they were doing their best possible. They attended conferences that related to the different diagnoses and to their type of family, and they read all of the books that were written specifically to help them learn how to use specialized parenting techniques. In fact, they invested their lives in learning how to put together the pieces of the puzzle that was their child.
These parents have definitely made a difference in the life of their child, but it hasn’t always been the difference that they expected or even hoped to see. Sometimes the parents found that it didn’t seem like there was any difference made at all because there were pieces to the puzzle of their child that they couldn’t find, or that they didn’t even know were missing, until they were far, far down the road of Hazardous Parenting.
When they finally realized that this puzzle was never going to fit together in the way they thought it would, the parents had to come to terms with the loss of what they believed to be true about life. They had to accept that some individuals will/can not be helped or guided, at least not in the way that the parents perceived help and guidance. Sometimes they had to let go of their young adult and *let* her be addicted, or violent, or mentally ill, or homeless, or angry, or disconnected from the family, or whatever it was that they never expected.
As they grieved and tried to find ways to let go, they also had to look at all that had happened in their lives while they were actively engaged in Hazardous Parenting, such as the marital stress, the social isolation, the alienation of their other children, the long term trauma symptoms that resulted from living through the verbal and sometimes physical abuse as well as the years of intolerable levels of stress. Yet, when they looked around them for validation and help, there was none.
If you are one of those parents, then this book is for you. I wrote it to validate what you are experiencing now that you are no longer living full time with your child/young adult and you are no longer solely responsible for his day to day care – for her life. This e book will give you practical suggestions on how to re-create your life now that you have a few choices about what to do with your day, and now that you have the opportunity to heal. This book is written to give you hope for your own life and help to find your new path. It’s your turn.
SECTION ONE
What is Hazardous?
Hazardous Parenting is a term I use to describe and define the parenting experience of raising children who have serious and multiple behavior disorders. This term is not a negative reflection of the children nor does it indicate a lack of love in the parent/child relationship. Indeed, most parents of children with behavior disorders dedicate their lives to giving their child every opportunity to grow safely into a positive, healthy adult. As well, the behavior disorders do not negate the many positive attributes that the children posses and the many parts of their personality that are brave, funny, happy, creative, and just plain wonderful. And, to be clear, not all children who have a behavior disorder are violent nor do all create chronic and intolerable stress in those who live with them.
Hazardous Parenting describes the experience of raising children who, despite their many positive qualities, also demonstrate most or all of the following behaviors:
chronic lying
chronic stealing
chronic intimidation, aggression and violence towards other children, animals, and/or adults
appear to lack a conscience
chronic non-compliance in all settings
inability to feel empathy
chronically self centered, narcissistic
purposefully destructive
These behaviors are present from the child’s earliest years and are consistent over time. They are not a stage or phase and they are not a reaction to a current stressor.
What Are Behavior Disorders?
Behavior disorders develop for a variety of reasons. They may be the result of pre-natal exposure to substances that are toxic to the fetal brain; or, they may result from early abuse and/or neglect; or, they may be from an inherited gene; or, they may arise without any known inherited or environmental triggers. Not all experts agree on what should, or should not, be considered a behavior disorder. However, most will agree that the conditions listed below exhibit symptoms that fall into the behavior disorder category, especially when they are co-existent with one or more other behavioral concerns.
Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
Attachment Disorder (AD)
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)
Conduct Disorder (CD)
Chronic depression/mood disorders
Bipolar Disorder
Eating Disorders
Schizophrenia
Schizo-affective disorder
Substance abuse/addiction
Chronic rages
Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD)
Neurodevelopmental challenges resulting from early neglect and/or abuse
It is not uncommon for children and teens to have more than one condition. For example, many children who have FASD also have ADHD and attachment disorder. Children who are initially diagnosed with attachment disorder may also later be diagnosed with CD or may have bi-polar diagnosis. The more diagnoses, the worse the behaviors. Your child may have had a condition that is not on this list but is still considered a behavior disorder.
I want to stress that not all children and youth who have these diagnoses are labeled as behavior disordered and many can live with these conditions without creating a Hazardous Parenting experience. You may have a child with one or more of these conditions and find that the behaviors are well managed either by standard or alternative methods or the condition is not far enough along it’s continuum to completely disrupt family life.
What is the Long Term Impact of Hazardous Parenting?
Prior to your first steps toward recovery, it will be helpful to consider all that you have experienced while you were actively raising your challenging child. Every child is different, every parent is different, every family is different, and therefore, your experiences may not be the same as those of others. However, many parents have experienced some of the following: loss, low self-esteem, depression, chronic stress, anxiety and co-dependence.
In this next section of the book, you’re going to read about all the things that may have been harmful to you over the last few years. Don’t worry, the section after that will focus on your recovery – but as I said, it’s important to first identify what you have experienced in order to validate and respect the emotional trauma that you feel now. Then, you can move onto your recovery!