Making Love, Not Porn: A Romantic, Natural, and Emotional Guide to Sex in the 21st Century
by
Jonathon Jones
Copyright 2012, by Jonathon Jones
Smashwords Edition
License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Disclaimer: Please note, this contains some adult subject matter that discusses intimate situations, sometimes candidly, for the purpose of disseminating sexual information in order to help people establish a better love life. It is not pornographic in nature but still deals with some highly detailed intimate topics. Therefore, if you are not 18 or over, but would still like to learn about proper methods in which to be intimate, please get your parent's permission before reading the rest of the sample or buying this book.
Table of Contents
PORNOGRAPHY: WHAT THEY DON'T TELL YOU
MAINTENANCE, MAINTENANCE, MAINTENANCE--THE NATURAL WAY
FINDING A MATE (SKIP THIS IF YOU HAVE ONE)
THE FUNDAMENTALS: STEP 1. SETTING THE STAGE
THE FUNDAMENTALS: STEP 2. LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
THE FUNDAMENTALS: STEP 3. EXPECTATIONS? WHAT ARE THOSE?
THE FUNDAMENTALS: STEP 4. REMEMBERING THE BASICS
THE FUNDAMENTALS: STEP 5. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
THE FUNDAMENTALS: STEP 6. HAND PLAY
THE FUNDAMENTALS: STEP 7. ORAL SEX? IT'S UP TO YOU
THE FUNDAMENTALS: STEP 8. THE WHOLE ENCHILADA
THE FUNDAMENTALS: STEP 9. THE ORGASM
THE FUNDAMENTALS: STEP 10. AFTER THE BLISS
Introduction:
We now live in an unfortunate generation that seems to stress elements of sexuality that, in no way whatsoever, are indicative of real life or deal with the emotional and physical consequences of people's actions. When a generation is brought up in a society where pornography can be accessed with but a click of a button, and this is even spread to people who should seriously know the difference between fantasy and reality by now, you are bound to get an abundance of mentally screwed up individuals who have no idea what making love actually is actually all about.
When we learn how to have sex without consequence, without a real emotional connection, with ideas of body image that are not even close to reality, and in ways that can be demeaning and even painful and emotionally scarring for many, we have lost one of our greatest assets we have as human beings. That being the fine, natural, emotionally connected art of making love.
In this book, I will discuss what it truly takes to differentiate what is real and what is not, and what it takes to truly separate ourselves from social constructs that have limited our ability to express our true passion in a way that is more human and less animalistic. In addition, I will give helpful hints on what it can take to allow yourself to be more connected with your lover in a multitude of ways, which will allow you to evolve towards a level many people may not have even known existed.
Overall, most of this will entail using your emotions, sprinkled with a little logic, of course, to get the best of what true sensuality has to offer. After all, one of our greatest strengths as human beings is our abundance of complex emotions as well as the ability to use logic to keep them in check, so it's about time we took this wonderful combo and started to use it.
Pornography: What They Don't Tell You:
However, before we delve into the realm of what it truly takes to make love, we need to be patient and realize that it's going to take quite a few steps in order to get there.
First, and foremost, we have to start separating fantasy from reality in order for this whole process to work. We live in a world that is constantly in conflict with itself, and it is quite evident. It stresses love, Valentine's Day, romance novels, romantic movies, marriage, fidelity, monogamy, but yet at the same time it contradicts itself by trying to make us think pornography, acts of disrespect or pain, and unemotional based sexual acts are somehow normal, typical, or sane. I assure you, they're not.
Before I begin to dissect porn into its most primary falsities, I first want to do a surprising turn by indicating that, for some, pornography does serve a purpose. For those single adults who already have a handle on the difference between fantasy and reality, and for those who seek out images for the purpose of self-pleasure and only seek out ones where people at least seem like they're in love, I think it's perfectly acceptable to watch.
However, those kinds of people and those kinds of images are few and far between. Not only does it take a fully stable, mentally secure, emotional adult to recognize the differences, it also entails finding some kind of homemade amateur porn where it's obvious that the people engaging in it are truly emotionally connected. It's not an easy thing to find. Because, as mentioned before, most people have truly lost touch with what it takes to really make love.
All of this brings to light a few questions. Can standard porn be damaging to undeveloped minds who have nothing else to go on? Yes. Because it can give them ideas that are not realistic or healthy and those ideas can stick with them for the rest of their lives. And for those with developed minds, can it also bring about false expectations as well as presenting ideas that could be emotionally or physically damaging? Yes.
Therefore, if a person feels they need to watch it, they should truly only do so if they have mentally evolved, know the difference between right and wrong, real and fantasy, and only seek out stuff that could be physically and emotionally healthy for both people if they ever tried to emulate it. Monkey see, monkey do, and monkeys are known to throw poo. So don't be a monkey. Never emulate anything that's not reality, because you will always be short-changing yourself as well as others.
Now that it has been discussed why it's a bad idea to emulate porn, it is essential to discuss why it's considered fantasy to begin with. The first thing most people think about when they think of porn is, quite frankly, penis size. It's a given. This topic will almost always come up when anyone talks about pornography.
Why does it come up, if you'll pardon the bad pun? Because on camera, guys look like they are packing baseball bats. The truth is, first and foremost, that the average male porn star has an above average erect penis size of 7 1/2 to 8 inches in length and a seemingly ridiculous girth, and that is, in no way, what an average male looks like.
If we average the measurements in five studies conducted on average length, according to Wikipedia sources, the average adult human male has an erect penis length of approximately 5.45 inches. The two studies that indicated girth indicated an average erect circumference of approximately 4.94 inches around. Therefore, what you see on film is not what you will usually see in real life.
So why is it that most penis sizes on screen look even larger? While there are a few porn stars that exist who actually have 9-11 inch peckers, most of what you are seeing is movie magic in the making. Many tricks of the trade are being implemented that will make them look like they're on their way to becoming a tripod.
First, many male porn stars are exceptionally short, most often being much shorter than the average male height. To match this, they also hire short women, who are shorter than the diminutive men, and often times sporting exceptionally small hands.
Basically, any time you have a large penis on a smaller guy, by default it's going to emphasize his member. A penis of the same size is, quite frankly, not going to look the same on a taller male than it is a shorter one. The shorter guy is always going to look more impressive.
Secondly, magnified lenses, camera angles, proper lighting, using penis pumps before they call action, having someone on staff to always make sure the stars stay erect, and scenes being shot through multiple days and sometimes even weeks can ensure a male star is at his finest, and biggest possible, even though most of the time it's just a magic show.
This is why, first and foremost, women need to get it out of their heads that bigger is always better. Because bigger does not represent reality or the norm. It really doesn't. This is also why men need to stop being so obsessed over their penis sizes. Because most of them are actually perfectly average, but they're making the mistake of comparing themselves to people on camera.
Even without special magic tricks, everything looks bigger on film. I, as an example, being a mere 5 ft 8 and only 130 pounds, am quite thin. But even if I step close to my web cam, yes, fully clothed, and take a picture, I look much bulkier than reality just because I'm close to the lens. It's the same in porn when concerned with a guy's penis size. It's also why most movie actresses literally have to be so thin, because cameras add weight and bulk to just about everything. If they were average in real life, they'd look huge on film.
Now then, if a man is under average south of the border, should this still really matter? No. Why? First, because although there are a few women out there who have nerve endings that go farther back into their vaginas and some can even get stimulated when a man's penis nears or touches their cervix, for most women they either feel nothing that far back or they feel pain. In fact, the first one third of a woman's vaginal opening usually has ninety percent of her pleasurable nerve endings. Therefore, it would not really matter if a man had a Vienna sausage for a penis in length, as long as he wasn't as thin as a pencil down there, a woman is probably going to feel something regardless.
Secondly, as will be indicated in later chapters, it's not really the meat or the motion, but how a woman feels and what kind of connection she has with a man that will allow her brain to experience all that making love has to offer and take her over the top.
In the meantime, however, we need to finish the discussion on why porn is not reality. One of the more noticeable, and vocal attributes of porn stars is that they almost always seem like they're having tons of fun on film. In reality, most of them might be feeling a little something, but, especially the women, they have been pretty desensitized throughout time, especially since they lack that emotional connection with their fellow actors, that most of the moaning you hear is seriously nothing more than an act.
In addition, who here has actually made passionate love and it looked like they were reading out of a manual on how many positions they should switch to throughout the course of a session? And do you really think a lot of those positions are easy? Some cannot even be done unless body sizes are exactly at the same height or a man's member is extraordinarily long.
Therefore, again, you are seeing something that does not represent reality. A lot of those positions that they attempt in porn actually take a tremendous amount of strength as well, and most male porn stars are in the gym non-stop. Most normal men don't have that luxury.
Last, and most importantly, some of the acts themselves that they present throughout porn are in no way respectful, and it shows. I first want to talk about anal sex. Okay, here's my stance on it. Making love in no way, shape or form, involves anal sex. Not one time in one romantic movie or most truly romantic books are you ever going to hear or see the words, "Honey, I love you so much I'm going to stick it in your butt hole."
I'm sorry, but even if the first tiny bit of it may give a person a little sensation, it's still degrading considering what is being done, potentially harmful, pretty gross if you are actually thinking about what you are doing, and in no way screams I love you at the top of your lungs.
Another disrespectful act in porn seems to be that of manhandling. What I mean is when a man throws a woman around like she's nothing more than a meat puppet or a rag doll. Again, in no way, shape or form is that making love. Making love involves a gentle touch, respect and equality, and treating the other person's body like it's a wonderful, beautiful shrine, not like a toy that's being shaken about by a dog.
Last, but certainly not least, deals with the famed orgasm. This is going to be quite direct, so prepare yourself. In no way, shape or form, is it respectful for a guy to squirt himself all over a woman's beautiful face and hair when he orgasms. It's disrespectful, tacky, uncaring, and in no way indicates any resemblance of real life or love. Period.
Knowing Yourself:
Now that we have discussed some of the differences between real life and porn, we are slowly but surely making our way towards being a better lover and figuring out what making love is all about. But we are definitely not there yet.
Before this can happen, people have to know themselves, be okay with themselves but also improve themselves mentally and physically, and of course experiment with themselves. These are very important steps that can help you prepare for a more realistic and satisfying lovemaking experience.
The first step is to know yourself. What this means is that you need to figure out what it is that will truly make you happy when it comes to another person. If you could not have sex ever again and had no more hormones or desires left, what kind of things could a person say to you, how could they treat you, and what kinds of things would they need to share with you to make yourself happier when you were with them?
If you can figure those things out, the things that make you happy other than sex, that is the first step in understanding how to have a deeper connection with someone. That kind of connection will not only make you a better lover, but even if the person you are with seemed like a horrible lover to others, it will still make them seem like the best you've ever had.
Without understanding yourself and what really makes you happy, you will never be able to make love in the right way, because love will not be part of the equation unless you can share what makes you happy with someone else. The mind, as always, is your greatest intimate tool. It always has been, so use it.
The next step is to be okay with yourself. This doesn't mean to stop improving, but it means, if whatever positive changes you tried to make in your life did not work out, that you would be perfectly okay with how you are. Whether talking about your body image, your personality, or whatever it is about you or your life, you need to fully accept who you are and how you think as being you.
Because if you are not comfortable in your own skin, you will never be able to be fully let go enough with your lover to truly make love like you were meant to. If you cannot love yourself, you are limiting your mind to be comfortable with yourself, and if you can't be fully comfortable with yourself, no one else is going to either.
With that said, everyone has good and bad days. Some days are filled with happiness and joy, and other days may be filled with self-loathing because you haven't reached some kind of goal. That’s completely normal.
But what isn't normal is feeling bad about yourself all of the time. Then it is going to completely interfere with your ability to make love and, in turn, will leave yourself open to being okay with being disrespected, with the wrong person, and so on and so forth just because you are getting attention.
Psychologically speaking, many women, and sometimes men, are okay with being treated poorly in both the bedroom and real life, and are sometimes even turned on by it, because that poor treatment is subconsciously similar to how a person treats themselves, and that establishes it as good behavior in their minds even though it's not.
In other words, if your subconscious mind is reaffirmed by someone else that you're crap, and that's what you think about yourself, you may like the treatment you're getting in the bedroom or real life because your brain has somehow wired itself into thinking bad treatment is actually good.
That is not normal or healthy, so if you actually like something that would normally cause others pain, a feeling of disrespect, of humiliation, like you're being treated like an animal instead of a human being, and like you're nothing more than a meat puppet to be flung around like some kind of old rag doll, you have got a lot of things to work out in your head.
Only with knowing what it takes to make you really happy that's not sexual can you re-wire your brain to want normal things in the bedroom and out of it. This reprogramming, of sorts, will make sure you end up with the right person as well as figure out how to make love like you're supposed to.
When it comes to improving ones self, in addition to positive reinforcement you can do on your own mind by finding out what non-sexual things make you happy that you can share with your partner, you also need to improve yourself physically.
Intimacy, in any form, can be fantastically fun, but it can also be extremely exhausting. Making love is no fun if you're one step short of a heart attack while doing it. Ladies, practice moving your hips, because it will help you considerably if you know how to move them. Never expect the man to do all the work. Not only is that not fair, but sometimes he may have trouble reaching the right spot or figuring out the right angle until you two have had some time to practice.
As for the men, at least practice holding yourself up with your upside-down forearms, bent at the elbow from time to time to develop some strength. Do not expect to be all porno and hold your arms fully extended while being two feet away from her. Real men who don't work out 24/7 like porn stars do usually don't have that kind of long-term strength.
But during positions like missionary you at least need to be strong enough to hold yourself up with your forearms upside down and flat on the ground. In addition, pelvic thrust practicing can not only greatly improve your ability to perform without wanting to die, but your ab muscles will start improving considerably once you start doing it.
Overall, the physical aspect is but one part of the equation. The goal here is to not develop some kind of super hard bodies that rarely exist in nature but, rather, to just be strong enough and in shape enough to have romantic lovemaking sessions that can last if need be without people feeling like they just ran a marathon.
Last, but certainly not least, experimenting with yourself is extremely vital to knowing yourself. Masturbation is one key way of figuring out how your bodies work before you decide to share yourself with someone special. But before you do this, I would like to indicate a little experiment you can try in the privacy of your own computer chair that may seem a little out there.
However, there is a really good reason I want you to do it. As a side note, this experiment is only suggested for single people. For those in a relationship, you will need to skip down to where you start self-exploring and use pictures of your partner instead.
-For Single People. All others, skip to the Self-Exploration section below-
If you are unsure if you have a physical type and you are still single, there is a good lesson to be learned by doing what I am about to suggest. It's because, quite simply, sometimes physical attributes you may think are attractive to you are actually not.
Society often times puts ideas into our heads that may not be what our DNA is calling out for, and everyone's biology is different. Our bodies have been programmed to know what kinds of characteristics to look out for that can combine with our DNA correctly, and since each person's DNA is different, we will often respond differently to different types of people.
We need to trust our bodies more than our minds on this one, because our minds have been pre-programmed since we were aware of our surroundings to think by societal norms. You need to find this out about yourself before you even begin to start masturbating. If you don't, you may not be able to be fully turned on like you need to be in order to practice with yourself properly.