Parallel Humorverses

By G. E. Kruckeberg

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2011 by G. E. Kruckeberg

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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Author’s Note:

Humor, to paraphrase Margaret Wolfe Hungerford, is in the eye of the beholder. There are indeed many things that color our individual perceptions of humor—ethnicity, religion, childhood and/or life experiences, to name a few—but the primary differentiator that separates us all is gender.

As my Daddy used to say, “There ain’t but two kinds of people in the world: women and men”—and women and men don’t always laugh at the same things.

With that in mind, the following collection of humorous verses has been divided into three categories: a woman’s humorverse, a man’s humorverse, and a common humorverse.

The common humorverse, as the name implies, is suitable for both sexes; the other two comprise humorous verses that have been selected to titillate the distinctive pallets of the feminine and masculine genders respectively.

While this differentiation is implemented, at least in part, to shield the gentler sex from language that may be consider inappropriate, it also affords either sex a glimpse into the collective psyche of the other. The author therefore recommends that, whether you are a man or a woman, you read the entire book. As Sun Tzu said in The Art of War, “Know your enemy.”

The discerning reader will quickly realize that the verses that follow are actually jokes set to poetry. In fact, you may recognize some old favorites cast in a new format. There are also, however, many that are original with the author. You can easily tell the difference between the two because the non-original verses are funny.

It is possible, of course, to extract the jokes from the verses below and add them to your repertoire—another good reason for buying this book. Should you decide to follow that course, however, you might want to heed the following good advice (the only kind I give).

After having regaled your compatriots with the incomparable humor gleaned herein, casually mention the source. That will show your audience that you are not only funny but well-read. (Should this help me to sell more books, that would be an incidental bonus.)

But enough banter. Get yourself a glass of wine or a cold one, kick back, put your feet up, and sample the smorgasbord of poetic hilarity presented below.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

A WOMAN'S HUMORVERSE

A MAN'S HUMORVERSE

A COMON HUMORVERSE

About the Author

A WOMAN'S HUMORVERSE

Adam And Eve

After God made Adam and Eve,
He found he had two parts unused.
So he decided he would give
One part to each, as they might choose.

God told Adam and Eve he had
Two things, and they could have one each.
“The first,” said God, “is a thing that
Will let you stand up when you pee.”

Adam jumped up and down and cried,
“Oh, please, God, please. Give that to me.
It’s always been a dream of mine
To stand up when I take a pee.”

So God to Adam gave the thing
That let him pee while standing up,
And Adam whizzed on everything –
It seemed he couldn’t pee enough.

Eve and God with amusement watched
As Adam ran like a little boy
From tree to tree and rock to rock,
Practicing with his new found toy.

“Well, Eve,” said God, “I guess that leaves
You with the one part that remains.”
“And what is that part called?” said Eve.
God said, “The part is called a brain.”

The Perfect Woman

There once was a perfect woman,
And she married a perfect man.
And one Christmas Eve the two o’them
Were driving in a snow storm, when

They saw a man in a red suit
Walking on the side of the road,
Wearing a fur hat and black boots
And carrying a heavy load.

The perfect couple stopped because
It was Christmas Eve, and they found
The man in red was Santa Claus.
He said his sleigh had broken down.

Being the perfect couple, they
Offered to take him on his rounds,
Delivering toys for Christmas day
To all the girls and boys in town.

But then they had an accident.
Just one survived to tell the tale 
It was the perfect woman, since
The other two were fictional.

Negativity Scene

Melinda went to her hairdresser
And told her she was going to Rome.
The hairdresser said “You’d do better
To save your money and just stay home.

“Rome is dirty and it’s full of crime.
So how are you getting there?” she asked.
Melinda said, “On Delta Airlines.”
The hairdresser scoffed, “Now that’s the last

“Airline that I would ever use.
Their planes are all in need of repair;
The service is even worse than the food.
Where are you staying when you get there?”

Melinda answered, “The Paradise.”
The hairdresser said, “Oh, what a dump.
I hope you don’t mind roaches and mice.
So what do you plan to do for fun?”

Melinda replied, “We’re gonna try
To see the Pope,” and the hairdresser
Said, “You and a million other guys.
I wish you luck with that endeavor.”

One month later, Melinda got home,
And went to her hairdresser, of course,
Who asked, “So how was your trip to Rome?”
Melinda said, “It was fabulous.

“We were on one of Delta’s new planes,
And they’d overbooked it, so they moved
Us into first class, with free champagne,
Fantastic service, and gorgeous food.

“And when we arrived at our hotel,
We found they had renovated it.
But it seems they’d overbooked as well,
So they gave us the Presidential suite.”

The hairdresser said, “Well, you were lucky,
But I’ll bet you never saw the Pope.”
Melinda answered, “Actually,
It turned out better than we had hoped.

“The day we were at the Vatican,
A Swiss Guard came up to us and said,
‘The Pope sometimes grants an audience
To visitors randomly selected.’

“He took us to an audience room,
And in five minutes, the Pope came in.
He was resplendent in white and maroon,
And I knelt down there in front of him.

“He blessed us and said, ‘Let us pray.’
Then he said a few words while we were there.”
The hairdresser asked, “What did he say?”
Melinda said, “’Who fucked up your hair?’”

Blanket Party

Late one snowy, blustery day,
Harry was leaving Chicago
On the Dan Ryan Expressway,
When the traffic began to slow.

Then the traffic ground to a stop—
Cars and trucks were stuck in the snow—
The Dan Ryan was a parking lot,
And no one had anywhere to go.

Then, as the sun sank in the west,
People began to come outside
And take the stranded motorists
Into their houses for the night.

Harry ended up inside
A house with another refugee—
A young woman named Caroline,
And she was fine as she could be.

When bedtime came, the owners said,
“This one spare room is all we’ve got,
And it’s got just this one bunk bed,
So you two kinda work it out.”

So Harry took the top bunk bed,
And he woke up at half past three.
“Hey, Caroline, I’m cold,” he said,
“Would you get me a blanket please?”

Caroline said, “I just might
Have a better idea, Harry.
Why don’t we, just for tonight,
Pretend that you and I are married?”

Harry envisioned Caroline
Wearing nothing but a tank top.
“’Sounds great,” he said. And she said, “Fine.
Go get your own fucking blanket.”

Cougars

Margot and Dana were out having lunch,
When this twenty-four year old blonde walked by.
Dana said, “It’s hard to believe, but once
I looked like that.” Margot said, “So did I.

“I wish I still looked like a center fold.”
And Dana said, “Any woman can have
The body of a twenty-four year old.
Just buy him a couple drinks ‘fore you ask.”

The Stone

When Harry passed on, he left in his will
Thirty grand to cover his funeral.
Harry’s wife, Mavis, in accordance with
His wishes, spent every last dime of it.

A week after Harry was laid to rest,
Mavis was talking to her best friend Beth.
“The funeral was very nice,” Beth observed,
“But it didn’t look like thirty grand worth.”

Mavis said, “The funeral itself was just
A few hundred over eight thousand bucks.
Then I gave five hundred to Harry’s lodge
And five hundred more to the synagogue

“The food and drinks were a thousand alone.
The rest went for the memorial stone.”
“Twenty grand?! How big was the stone?” said Beth.
Mavis said, “Three and three-quarter carats.”

Priorities

Amanda was entranced;
She’d gone to buy some pants
And she discovered Bloomingdales
Was having this fantastic sale.
And then her cell phone rang.

It was the hospital.
They said her husband, Bill,
Had had an accident, and he
Was in the ICU, and she
Should get there without fail.

But she was on a roll—
The prices were so low—
She shopped another hour or two,
Then hurried to the ICU,
With bags of loot in tow.

The ICU nurse cried,
“I hope you’re satisfied!
While you were out spending his dough,
Your husband had a massive stroke,
And now he’s paralyzed.”

Amanda was distraught.
And then the nurse guffawed.
“I was only kidding,” she said.
“Actually, your husband’s dead.
Now show me what you bought.”

The Hooker

Linda had been laid off for a month,
And she was beginning to feel the crunch.
She was telling Fred, who lived next door,
How much she needed some money, for
Her rent and her car payment were due.
Fred said, “I’ve got a suggestion for you.

“I could, like, give you some money, see?
And you can—you know—do something for me.”
Linda said, “That’s a great idea.”
Fred said, “’You think so?” And Linda said, “Yeah.
You give me a thousand dollars, Fred,
And I won’t tell your wife what you just said.”

Shannon

When Shannon was walking home late one night,
A man stepped out of the shadows with a knife.
He said, “Give me all your money, Honey.”
And Shannon said, “I don’t have any money.”

The man frisked Shannon all over and said,
“You really don’t have any money, I guess.”
“No sir, I don’t for a fact,” Shannon said,
“But do that again and I’ll write you a check.”

Never Trust Your Wife

This guy was driving with his seat belt off,
And he got pulled over. And as he stopped,
He slipped on his seat belt and told his wife,
“Don’t worry. I’ll get out of this all right.”
Then he said, “What’s the problem, officer?”
The cop said, “You weren’t wearing your seatbelt, sir.”
The man said, “I was wearing it all the time.
If you don’t believe me, just ask my wife.”
The officer sighed and asked the woman,
“Was your husband wearing his seat belt, Ma’am?”
She looked at her husband and shook her head.
“If he says he was, then he was,” she said.
“There’s one thing I’ve learned from living with him—
Never argue with him when he’s been drinking.”

Blind Date

Kyle had a blind date for the county fair,
And he asked the girl after they got there
What she’d like to do first, and the girl said,
With a big, wide smile, “I want to get weighed.”

So Kyle took her over and got her weighed,
Then bought her a hot dog and lemonade.
“And what do you want to do now?” he said,
And she said again, “I want to get weighed.”

So he took her over and got her weighed,
And then they went through the penny arcade.
“So what do you want to do next?” Kyle said,
And again, she said, “I want to get weighed.”

This girl, Kyle decided, was weird as heck.
Every time he’d say, “Whatcha wanna do next?”
She’d just smile and say, “I want to get weighed,”
And he’d take her over to the same dang place.

He took her home early and dropped her off,
And waited until she got in the house.
As she walked in, her mother said drowsily,
“How was your date, Dear?” and she said, “’Wousy.”

Thor

The great god Thor came down to earth
To find a woman to seduce.
He found a winner in the first
Bar he went to, and she was cute.

Her face was classic, and it had
A tiny hint of petulance,
And it just made her cuter that
She had a speech impediment.

Thor took her to a motel room
And banged her ‘til the sun came up.
Then, as she put her skivvies on,
He said, “I’ll tell you something, Love.

“I’m Thor.” And she said, “Okay, ‘thor,’
Don’t be making fun of my lithp.
And I don’t doubt that you are thor;
I’m tho thor I can hardly pith.”

Playmates

There was a new girl on the block,
And Jason set out to impress
Her with his incomparable schmaltz
And with all the things he possessed.

Jason said, “I got a nickel.”
"I got a dollar," the girl said.”
He said, “I got a bicycle.”
And she said, “I got a moped.”

Jason said, “I got a kitten.”
The girl said, “I got a pony.”
Then Jason his fly unzipped and
Said, “You got one of these, Honey?”

The girl looked down at his penis,
Then, lifting her skirt up in front,
She said, “No, but with one of these,
I can get all of those I want.”

Feminine Wiles

As Gordon was on his way home one night,
A car ran a stop sign in front of him.
He couldn’t stop, and he hit it broadside—
And the other driver was a woman.

Gordon said, “Why don’t you learn how to drive?”
She said, “My goodness, our cars are a sight!
It’s a miracle that we both survived.”
And Gordon said, “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

“And you know,” she went on, “I often think
Things happen for a reason, whether
We know it or not. You know, this whole thing
Might have happened to bring us together.”

As Gordon looked at the young woman’s legs
And surveyed her other assets as well,
It occurred to him that such a prospect
Just might not be all that bad after all.

“And what do you think about this?” she asked,
As she rummaged through her car in the back.
“All of my groceries are broken and smashed,
But here’s a bottle of wine that’s intact.

“Maybe this bottle of wine is a sign.
Why don’t we share it and toast our newfound
Friendship, and hope that it’s sweeter than wine?”
And she handed the bottle to Gordon.

Gordon drank half then handed it to her.
She put it back in her car, and Gordon
Said, “’You gonna drink it?” And she said, “Sure.
After the police have been here and gone.”

What Baby?

Brenda went to see her friend Gracie—
A modern miracle to behold.
Gracie’d recently had a baby,
And Gracie was sixty-five years old.

Brenda said, “Can I see the baby?”
Gracie said, “Later. Let’s have some tea.”
After tea, Brenda thought that maybe
She’d get to see the kid finally.

But Gracie said, “Would you like a drink?”
Brenda said, “No, the tea will suffice.
When can I see the baby, d’ya think?”
And Gracie said, “Not until he cries.”

“Not ‘til he cries?” Brenda came unglued.
“Why not right now? I don’t have all day.
What’s wrong with you?” And Gracie said, “Look,
I forgot where I put him—Okay?”

Marlene

Marlene was lost in the desert,
And she found an ancient bottle.
And since she was dying of thirst,
She hoped it was full of water.

But when she uncorked it, she found
The bottle contained a genie.
The genie said, “Madam, I’m bound
To grant you three wishes for freeing me.”

Marlene said, “My first wish is that
This bottle had water in it.”
The genie waved, and in a flash,
Marlene’s first wish had been granted.

Marlene said, “I’ve always wanted
To be a man. Can you do that?”
The genie waved and said, “Granted.”
And she was a man in a flash.

Marlene said, “My third wish is that
I were the world’s smartest human.”
The genie waved, and in a flash,
She turned back into a woman

Jennifer

Jennifer was getting ready
For bed at the bathroom sink,
When her little brother, Billy,
Hollered, “Jenny, let me in.”

Jennifer said, “You has to wait.
I don’t gots on my jammies,
And Mommy said I shouldn’t let
You see me in my panties.”

Billy said, “I has to pee-pee.”
Jennifer said, “Hold your horse.”
Then she said, “Come in now, Billy.
I tooked my panties off.”

The Dentist

Myron picked up this little chick
And took her to a Motel 6.
Afterwards ,as they lay in bed,
While Myron smoked a cigarette,

The girl said, “You must be a dentist.”
Myron said, “Yes. How did you guess?”
“You’re a damn good one, too, I think,”
She said. “I didn’t feel a thing.”

Chicken Little

The class had been reading Henny Penny,
And the teacher was trying to relate
The moral to urban myths that many
People believe, ‘though they’re obviously fakes.

“Now, if Henny Penny told you the sky
Was falling, what would you say, children?”
She asked, and little Melissa replied,
“I’d say, ‘Holy shit! A talking chicken!’”

She Got the Raise

Grace’s maid Maria asked for a raise.
“And why would I want to do that?” asked Grace.
Maria said, “I cook better than you,
And I’m a much better housekeeper, too.
At any rate, that’s what your husband says.”

Grace said, “Why don’t I just fire you instead?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t do that,” Maria said,
“Because I’m a better lover than you.”
Grace said, “Did my husband tell you that too?”
“Oh, no,” said Maria. “The gardener did.”

Bogart

Mariah was pushing eighty-four,
And she spent a lot of her time
In a rocking chair on her front porch
With her cat Bogart at her side.

One night, she wished on the evening star
That she were a maiden again
And that her scrawny old cat Bogart
Was a sexy, handsome young man.

Though there wasn’t a cloud in the sky,
A thunderbolt flashed from the blue.
And quick as a cat can wink its eye,
Mariah’s two wishes came true.

She felt a twinge of excitement as
She surveyed her feminine charms,
And his firm, young body drove her mad
As Bogart took her in his arms.

She felt things she hadn’t felt in years
As he gave her a long French kiss.
And then Bogart whispered in her ear,
“Now aren’t you sorry you had me fixed?”

Enchanted Frog

Luan was telling her friend Caroline
(Who was younger than her at sixty-nine)
About a recent experience she’d had.
She’d gone to the pet shop to find a cat,
But she saw a frog that was interesting.
The frog said, “Buy me, I’m really a prince.”
She thought a talking frog would be awesome,
So she bought the frog, and on the way home,
The frog said, “Hey, baby, give me a kiss,
And you’ll turn into something fantastic.”
“And when I gave him a kiss,” said Luan,
“The frog turned into a naked young man.”
“What did you turn into?” said Caroline.
Luan said, “The first damn motel I could find.”

Cleanup in Aisle Three

An older couple went in one day
To see the doctor, and said that they
Were having trouble getting it on—
Their get up and go had got up and gone.

The doctor said, “Well, sometimes it seems
We just get tired of the same routines,
And a little spontaneity
Will often cure our debilities.

“What I want you two to do is, as
You’re going about your daily tasks,
Just look at each other, and when and where
You get the urge, do it then and there.”

When they came back in a week or so,
The doctor said, “Well, how did it go?”
The husband said, “Pretty well, I’d say.
For example, just the other day,

“She was leaning over reaching for
A jar of pickles, and I got more
Excited than I’ve been in months.
I threw up her skirt and dropped my trunks,

“And took her flatfooted ‘til I made
Her come.” And the Doctor said, “That’s great.”
The wife said, “Oh, yeah! Great! Of course—
We can’t shop at Kroger’s any more.”

Bandana Man

Rosanna grew up on a ranch
Close to Navasota, Texas,
And her Daddy would get incensed
When town boys dated his precious.

Her Daddy, J. D., had this plan
Of marrying off his daughter
To the scion of the next ranch,
Young and stolid Boon Steinbocker.

J. D.’d been after his daughter
To give Boon Steinbocker a chance.
So she accepted his offer
Of a date for the Elks Club dance.

When Boon came to get Rosanna,
He was talking to J. D., when
He wiped his brow with a bandana,
And J. D. said, “I like a man

“That carries a bandana, Boon.
Them sissies from Navasota
Blow their noses in toy balloons
And throw ‘em behind the sofa.”

Snow on the Roof

Emil was seventy-nine years old,
And he married a girl of twenty-five.
Emil’s friend Jacob, being quite bold,
After the wedding, took Emil aside.

Jacob said, “Now, my friend, in order
To correlate your desires with your wife’s,
I think you should take in a boarder.”
Emil agreed to take Jacob’s advice.

When they met again six months later,
Jacob asked Emil how it was going.
Emil said, “Things couldn’t be greater!
My wife’s pregnant, you know, and she’s showing.”

Jacob said, “So you took my advice
About taking in a boarder, did you?”
Emil said, “Yes, and it was quite nice.
The only problem is she’s pregnant too.”

Maria

Maria got a job as a maid
At the local house of ill repute,
And one day, totally by mistake,
She walked into an occupied room.

The man jumped up and ran like a deer,
And Maria said, “Was that my Juan?”
She asked the madam if she’d seen her
Husband run by with nothing on.

The madam said, “Was he a small man
With dark hair, going lickety split?”
Maria said, “No es my husban’–
He no even sucka de tit.”

British Gallantry

Winston was walking down Edgeware Road
On a windy day in late September,
When a girl walking by had her skirt blown
Up above her feminine gender.

Being a gentleman, Winston tried
To divert attention to the weather.
“A bit airy,” he said, and she replied,
“Wha’ the ‘ell’d ye expect now, feathers?”

Venus on Mars

When the NASA manned Mars mission
Landed on the planet’s surface,
They were met by fifty Martians—
All of them intensely curious.

The Martians asked about the Earth—
How it differed from life on Mars.
Sex was the subject touched on first,
And the Martians said, “We’ll show you ours.”

A female Martian melded with
A male, and after several hours,
There was a baby in their midst.
And they said, “Okay, show us yours.”

A male and female astronaut
Then demonstrated human sex,
And they performed without a fault.
“Where’s the baby?” the Martians said.

The female astronaut said that
It wouldn’t come ‘til nine months hence.
“Then why were you,” the Martians asked,
“In such a hurry at the end?”

The Casualty

Billy and little Mary were
Sliding down the banister,
And Mary couldn’t stop, and ran
Into the big ball at the end.
She grabbed the front of her little skirt
And cried, “Oh, Billy! I hurt, I hurt!”
“Let me see,” he said, “Let me see.”
So she dropped her panties to her knees.
“Gosh, Mary,” Billy said in awe,
“You knocked your tallywacker off.”

Megan

Megan had recently been divorced,
And she was feeling frisky, of course.
But when she dated this guy from work,
He turned out to be really a jerk.
She told him, “You’re a lot like my ex.”
“What do you mean by that?” the guy said
“Did I ever tell you,” Megan said,.
“Why me and my ex separated?
We had religious differences—
He thought he was God and I didn’t.”

Reality Check

Mabel went to New York to see her son,
And she found, to her great dismay,
He was sharing his apartment with some
Young lady named Rosie O’Shea.

Her son said, “Now, Mom, it’s not what it seems.
With rent in New York what it is,
It’s common for women of modest means
To share an apartment like this.”

Though Mabel was there for less than a week,
She thought she perceived a climate
Of more than just casual camaraderie
Between her son and his roommate.

When Mabel went back to Indiana,
Rosie found a silver ladle
Given her by her maternal grandma
Was missing, so she wrote Mabel.

“Now, I’m not saying you took it,” she wrote,
“But the fact is it’s been missing
Ever since you went back to Terre Haute.”
And Mabel sent back this missive:

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