A Maiden's Hell
Burton E Burns
Chapter One: Erica
What would be the greater sin? The abuse one endured throughout their life at the hands of another that is suppose to protect, or their family who hides behind stained glass and uses their religious beliefs to bury a deeper, darker secret, or last the abused who is so scared and timid of their abuser that they too keep the abuse to themselves in fear of it escalating into much more. Until one day it takes control of every part of their lives, including their soul. Until one day they can't take it any longer and decide to uncover the family secret, only to find out that there's really only one way that they'd ever have absolute freedom. Unfortunately the ladder was mine. My name is Erica Colt, or you may know me as “ The Maiden from Hell” at least that's what the newspaper's were calling me after the justice system failed me......yet again, and this is my story.
April, 1970 was the month that the world saw a beautiful, blonde baby girl come into the light. I was born Erica Maria Colt. In a small town named Brookville Township. My father was man enough to stand by my mother when I was born and soon split. Leaving my mother full custody she also has always lived with her mother, whom is residing in an elderly home now.
A few years after I was born mother met Sidney Wish. At first Sidney was like a father figure to me, the father that I never had. He was sweet, caring and always willing to help in however way he could. All was good and well that was before religion had taken over my family, and with God's will paranoia crept in as well, to top it all off I was becoming every parents worst nightmare..... A teenager. Just as i was changing moods, appearances and thoughts everything else seemed to follow suit.
I was fourteen years old, attending Brookville Junior High for the second year. I loved others and enjoyed school partly for the fact that when I was at school, then it was eight hour escape from my home life and give me a new perspective on how other teens my own age was treated by adults. My home life to everyone else seemed perfect. It was stable, I never wanted for anything, I had a loving family that would literally go to the ends of the world for me, in fact that was the problem, their over protectiveness was in their eyes necessary, but truthfully I found it claustrophobic.
It was mid winter, the weather was pretty cold, the winds were merciless, ripping through the trees so hard that it had broken some permanently and bent others to the point of destruction. The teachers had instructed the students to stay inside for the rest of the day. Besides the weather the day was just like any other, I was being paraded around by a couple of friends, we were by our lockers it was between classes when just as the other girls went on to their next period class, this boy that I had secretly been crushing on all year walked up behind me and tapping me on my backside said “ Hey girl, looking hot” I was embarrassed a little but flattered at the same time. I smiled at him gently as I made my way back to next class, I felt as though I was walking on air.
That night during dinner it was like my mother had put me on trial, the questions she asked was a bit personal and really was making me uncomfortable. So I tried my best to answer her with one word quotes and and trying ever so hard to change the directions of the conversation surprisingly it worked. My parents are strict religious people of God and had their television directly stuck on the gospel channel twenty four seven. That night the preacher was speaking on the topic of sex before marriage
and I had to stay and watch the whole episode before retreating to bed.
All month long was much the same as that first day, the only difference was that I found out that the boy who I had been crushing on who's name was Steve actually felt the same of me as I did of him, turns out that we had a lot in common. Soon the occasional “ Hello” in the hallway turned into walks to and from classes and the words boyfriend and girlfriend had been how other students were perceiving us, until one day it all went wrong.
My mother had attended teachers college so that was how it made it possible for her to do what had happened to me. It was Wednesday morning around first break which was at ten o'clock, Steve and I were standing at the entrance to the girls washroom. He had me up against the wall totally consensual of course and there was absolutely no cause for any concern, but in the act of him groping me and while he had his tongue halfway down my throat I caught a glimpse of someone in my eye line, the worst person to have ever witnessed such an act of affection of this nature..... My mother.
It had all happened so quickly and where Steve was facing me and the wall he never seen her approaching until it was too late. She ripped him off of me so fast that I thought for sure that he had bitten my tongue off as he had fallen backwards and ran down the hallway. From where we were standing I could still here him as he shouted “ What the F**K, you psycho bitch. Meanwhile as she grabbed me by my arm and marched me down the corridor towards the front doors I saw blood dripping from my lips onto my blouse totally ruining it,this to was my fault. Mother made no attempt to go to the office whatsoever in fact I think she purposely avoided it. Driving home I was subject to her frantic raving about how corrupt the public educational system was and how when she was my age she had went to an all girls school. I didn't know the exact lengths that she would go to keep Steve away from me, but something told me that I was about to find out, but all in all nothing was to brace me for the whole life over haul in which she had in mind. Which wouldn't have been bad if Steve was the only one that I couldn't see, but she had decided to cut me off from the whole outside world.
Two days had passed and I was still upset with mothers outburst at the school, but I dared not cross her for I knew that with her anger came with it serious repercussions and I figured that I didn't want to take an already bad situation and make it worse. While I was in the kitchen she told me to get something to eat.
I quickly figured out her reasoning behind my eating and it went far beyond my nourishment values. You see we had a rule in our house that was, the last person to eat was the one who was responsible for washing the dishes and cleaning up, no matter who it was, this of course was always me, and dishes quickly turned into me doing the dusting as well as any other chores that my my would have me inclined to do anything along the lines of housework as well as anything else that mother could find to occupy my time. It was around the noon hour and while I was in the kitchen finishing up the dishes a call came in, I couldn't tell who it was one the other end of the line but by my mothers demeanour I couldn't tell if if was the school or who it was but come to find out there were some people more scary than school officials, or even my mother for that matter.
Seems as though only seconds had passed when sirens whaled and the sight of flashing light bars lit up the the living room shining through their windows bright red and blue. Sidney had went almost pale as the officers made their way into the house, since at the time he had a slight drinking problem and had his own occasional run in with the law from time to time and seeing them in the house had him questioning his own actions from the night before which was not surprising given his self- centred attitude and maybe a guilty conscience played an even bigger part.
Fortunately he was relieved to find that for once they were not waving their badges toward him, but never the less he was quite concerned after mother flew into a heated rage towards them after they had revealed the true meaning of their visit. She continued to shout obscenities toward the officers, it turns out that someone other than Steve had seen my mothers escapade two days earlier and decided to alert the authorities, they in turn put a fancy name on it calling it forcible abduction and said that it was a criminal offence to keep a child out of school without valid reasoning.
After they placed her under arrest and put her in the back of their squad car and drove away, I couldn't help but feel that it was a little extreme and they may have taken it a bit too far, I mean it had embarrassed me and just night have cost me the boy of my dreams but it wasn't like she had killed anyone. The police had detained her all that evening, interrogating her on her motives and her parenting skills were under strict ridicule as well. A drawn out eight hours had past and it was getting on midnight and still no sign of my mothers arrival. I had gotten tired and decided to go to bed, I heard they finally released her at around twenty after one.
She had went upstairs after she did get home and I really didn't want to hear her scream at me about how degrading her evening was and how if it wasn't for me concentrating on boys instead of my school work she wouldn't have a court date in three weeks time. So as she reached the doorway to my room I covered my head with the blankets so that she would think that I was fast asleep and just walk back down stairs again.
The next morning was stressful for everyone, my mother and Sidney spent the better half of breakfast tongue lashing one another over her court trial that she now needed to attend since Steve's Mother felt that it wasn't my mothers place to be tossing her son around, the school was also laying charges on my behalf that made my home life an utter Hell for the following month. A month was all she had before a judge was to look over her case, but that was the longest thirty days that I had to go through to date. I apologize if I ever said that my situation couldn't ever get worse because as I was soon to find out It could.
It all started out by the school putting a band on Steve and I's interactions, forbidding us to be seen together during school hours and to our dismay they strictly enforced this decision. Myself I couldn't prove it but deep inside I just knew that something about their decision had my mother's name all over it. My home life was much the same as the schools, only difference was that at school I had witnesses on my side. My evening after my school day was strictly structured much more than before and I was monitored to the point that my own thoughts didn't feel as they were mine, but my mothers. I had received a phone call from Steve, I never got a chance to talk with him but I knew it was him by the way my mother blew up at him on the phone, screaming into the phone telling him that he was no good and that he was to have absolutely no contact what so ever with her daughter, reminding him that there was still the matter of the court date to deal with and that there could be a restraining order put in place at any time.
Just after she had hung up the phone I don't know what had came over me but it was as if I was possessed. I had never did something like this before but I began throwing things at her, breaking anything that was in my path. Little trinkets that she had placed on the china cabinet went first. The whole altercation lasted about fifteen minutes in total but between you and me that was enough for I was starting to get a headache and had just enough screaming and hollering than I could take for one day, my whole tantrum was over looked for the time being as I started to pick up the broken bits of horse heads and elephant trunks that lay on the floor.
Two weeks later on a Friday afternoon during school hours Steve and I managed to hook up for an hour straight without surveillance, during that time we discussed him getting to see me later that night. I was a little unsure at first but as we had made our way to our next period class and all through the lesson all that I seemed to be able to think about was Steve, and the more I thought about seeing him again the better the escape continued to sound.
All that evening despite everything else that was happening I was surprisingly calm, it seemed nothing that anyone could do or say could possibly ruin my mood. I was so excited that I was floating on cloud nine. After I had finished my schoolwork and my chores for the evening I said good night to my grandmother and went to bed. “ Goodnight dear, she said as I rushed away. Making my way to the top of the banister I could still hear my mother as she muttered some sarcastic slur towards me, but I just continued on my way and made out as though I'd never heard her. I didn't lie though, I did actually fall asleep for about two hours. When I had awaken again I found my door slightly ajar but thought nothing of it at the time.
The time was crawling onto twelve o'clock and the whole house was still. The only light that shone besides the moon was the glow of the nightlights that were conveniently in every room to make it easier to get to the bathroom, or in this situation that I was in, so that I could move throughout the house without having to turn on any other light on in the house, also making it so that I could slip away without alerting anyone and risk being seen.
As I carefully crept across the house going from room to room trying not to disturb the creaking floor boards too much so the noise wouldn't give me away, my heart was pounding so hard it felt as though at any moment it was to leave my chest. I don't know what made me more nervous, the fact that I had never did anything of this sort before and that it could have serious consequences, or that I was so excited just to have an opportunity to be with Steve again. I mean it had only been twelve days but in a teens life that was an eternity. Easing my way out the door, shutting it ever so gently and briskly walking towards the road. Once I reached the end of the driveway I took one last look back at the house as a sigh of relieve came over me I ran down the road.
Just out of sight of the house a bit a blinding light that seemed to shine brighter than the moon came toward me. As I ran towards the vehicle an eerie feeling sustained my body and became so intense that I froze up totally unable to move. Thankfully I was near the truck and as I leaped up into the cab I told Steve and the driver of my premonitions and that I wasn't sure but I just got the feeling that something bad was about to happen, they both thought that it was a case of bad nerves and encouraged me to brush it off and just enjoy the night, also telling me that it was soon to pass, I gently gave Steve a hug and did just that I shrugged it all off as we continued our way towards town.
About fifteen minutes later all of my bad senses were confirmed. The driver of the truck seemed to have a really bad problem, one that made driving a motor vehicle really dangerous. He seemed to become intensely nervous at the slightest thought of tension around him, and I was as tense that night as any one person would've been under the circumstances. What I was soon to realize though was the more nervous that he became the higher the speedometer raised. As we passed the sign that read “town limits, he was reaching speeds that were three times the normal. Steve just held me and told me that everything was going to be fine but as he urged the driver to slow down I could see from his conduct that he himself was doubtful. We approached the sharp turn that was in the roadway and as I screamed I must have blacked out, for the next thing I could remember was not being able to move for the restraints of the stretcher had me pinned, I was covered in blood as someone was asking me to stay calm and not to leave them.
The next morning however was a different story, I'd received the news that I had been in a car accident and that I was the only survivor. Being given that information came as a sudden shock to me and I spent the rest of the afternoon crying my eyes out. Then came the moment that I was dreading, the moment that I too wished that I had died in the accident as well. My mother, grandmother, and stepfather entered my hospital room. I was all new to this being almost killed thing, but from my experience and from what I had seen in movies I was under the impression that the family of the surviving victims of an accident such as mine were deeply saddened and offered their sympathies and support in anyway that the possibly could.... but not mine.
From the time that they entered my hospital room till visiting hours were finished they never offered to help me in any way, not as much as a how are you feeling? Did I receive, that would have been fine with me, but I guess that it was to easy for them. The nurse that was attending my case was great , assisting me in whatever I would ever need or want. She offered to do anything from getting me water, to fluffing my pillows to make me more comfortable. She must have seen all of the hurt and despair that radiated my body, but all that I could see was anger, frustration, and disappointment staring back at me just as though I'd been nothing but an inconvenience to them.
I could tell that the nurse could see what was happening just as I could and in turn due to her concern for my well being she had made up some bogus excuse to hold me in the hospital for a three day stay in the hospital to ensure my safety and enhance my recovery. After visiting hours had came to a close and my family had left the hospital the nurse returned to my room. This time I wasn't in any trouble, nor was I hurt in any way. She simply came to keep me company and talk for awhile, this came not a moment too soon for I really needed a friend, or at least someone who would listen to me without casting judgement.
Come to find out she was really quite helpful an easy to confide in. After her shift ended and she had clocked out she could have went home not giving me a second thought, but she didn't instead she returned back to my room and this time she had brought a friend with her, who was coincidentally a grief counsellor. The nurse and her friend were very comforting and for the first time in my fifteen years I didn't feel all alone and actually felt safe, but unfortunately this feeling wouldn't last for long for since my recovery period was over and they couldn't find substantial reasoning for me to remain in the hospital any longer I was to be sent home and my parents were to sign my release. Fortunately for me, it's hospital policy that the attending nurse be responsible for their patients right up until they leave the hospital to ensure their well being, this included escorting the patient from their room to the front entrance of the hospital after they are released and to tell you the truth I was forever grateful of this policy and wished that Brookville Hospital had twenty storeys and I was on the top floor, for that brief five minute walk was no doubt the last free time away from scrutiny that I'd have for a long time to come.
I was feeling better on the outside but on the inside however was a totally different matter and to put it mildly I empty, incomplete, useless, and most of all crushed, after all I had put my whole life's freedom at risk. Steve, whom was suppose to be my life mate was killed and to top it all off I myself was almost killed as well, so of course I wasn't alright. On the way home as if I didn't feel bad enough already my mother and grandmother had their own way of making me feel worse. They started preaching about God's will and how it was sinful to dismay your parents in any way. All the time that they were talking their evangelism’s all that I could think about was “ Great I had survived a severe and horrific car crash still to be condemned to Hell.” It wasn't fair I know that it was a stupid idea and that it ended up deadly, but it wasn't in my fault, I wasn't in control of the truck.
When we finally arrived at home I noticed the house had a strange mood to it, one that I'd never seen before I couldn't put my finger on what it was that was different but it was making me really uncomfortable. Then I went upstairs to my room or at least it was my room the night of the accident, now it was just an empty room, so empty in fact that it made an echoing sound at the slightest tone. My mother soon accompanied me and announced that until further notice I was to sleep in her room, I know it sounds weird a teenager sleeping along side their mother and it was really and just so happened would cause me a lot of problems later on. That wasn't the worst of it though, she had cut me off from the whole outside world even worse than before, but I did have one thing going for me I was still attending school.... at least that what I thought, but yet again just as everything else in my life was lately this too was wrong. Steve's mother so grief stricken over the loss of her son and nephew decided to drop all of the charges against my mother, and the judge after carefully reviewing my mother's past teaching abilities saw no reason that I couldn't be home schooled, so that meant I had at least seven more years of confinement.
My mind was racing all of the next day, Twelve and a half hours before the funeral and I was still in pain a bit but it wasn't anything that couldn't handle. I spent most of that day begging my mother to let me attend. It turned out that the only way that she would let me go was if she went along as well as if I needed a babysitter, I mean she didn't even know him but still he was deemed a bad person and forbidden to be seen with me and his mother still had the option of taking her to court, and with that combination all that I seen coming out of her accompanying me to the funeral was disaster in the wait. Thinking that it may be fun to see someone else being raked over the coals other than me for change and that I really did miss Steve I agreed.
I never did receive the opportunity to meet Steve's parents, partly to do with the fact that I had never called him, he had always got in touch with me, besides his parents actually allowed him to breath. Although I was excited to meet them, my heart was breaking because of the reasoning behind our gathering, and I thought to myself that I couldn't possibly like them for fear of getting to attached and losing the chance to see them would be like losing Steve all over again and I felt sure that I couldn't handle that.
The funeral wasn't until three o'clock but my mother reminded me that as the girlfriend of the deceased that it was customary that I arrived a little earlier, myself I couldn't believe the words that she used to describe me and frankly was a bit confused and began to tear up so I raced into the bathroom to wash up and finish getting ready for what would be the saddest day if my life that I would ever be a part of.
We arrived at one o'clock, I asked mother why again we had to arrive so soon and she said nothing and just shrugged me off as though I wasn't there, so I never brought it up again. Making my way to the family room of the funeral parlour I couldn't help but feel a little out of place, everyone was crying and so distrot, I was just numb, my whole insides were quivering. This woman walked over to us and being polite I offered my condolences after doing so she gave me a gentle hug and said that he and Steve spoke often and quite a lot my name was on his lips. She almost glistened when she explained that Steve really did care a quite a bit about me and held me in great standing she then turned toward my mother and at this time I wanted to hide, but they both apologized and went their separate ways.
Soon it was getting on three o'clock and like a whirl wind blew in, the parlour began to fill up. As we received our cards they gave out before a funeral we had got invited to sit along side the family in full view of the preacher and everyone who entered. As the preacher began to speak instantly it was standing room only. Although I wanted nothing more but to go towards the casket, I needed to do it alone and I just knew that mother wouldn't hear of it. Just as the thought grazed my mind a gentle brush of a hand came against my shoulder. As I looked up I saw a tall and slender figure standing before me, her eyes filled with tears as she beckoned me to follow her.
A look of shook came over my mother's face which was quickly erased when the woman quietly told her that it was alright and all would be fine. I had never seen the woman before and she looked of thirty and in my opinion of model stature. As we made our way towards the casket she introduced herself as Stephanie, Steve's older sister, up till this point I figured that I was holding myself together pretty well, totally unexpected of what was to occur next. The two boys were so close in age and relationship that the families decided to hold the two funerals together. So here I was standing with a woman whom I'd just met in front of a boy whom I was sure that I was to marry someday. Just then I'd looked toward the casket dark brown, oak, with silver handles, and with roses all around it, suddenly one item had caught my eye and I'd instantly felt nauseated, a little weak, and had to sit down. Stephanie quickly grabbed me before I had collapsed to the floor and ushered me back to my seat.
When the funeral finally commenced, Stephanie stood before the whole congregation and began to say a few words on her brother's behalf. She announced that Steve had but two passions in his young life and each one in some way inspired the other. One was photography, he enjoyed taking pictures and by saying that it was his way of being artistic and also saying that someday he would like to turn it into more than just a hobby and somehow find a way for it to make him rich, the other was his inspiration for his career choice, Erica Colt. As she picked up a photo of him and I off of the casket a tear fell upon it as she announced that with this picture with him they will always be together, I almost passed out.
That's when I lost all control and began to cry hysterically I couldn't help it, I was completely blown away by what I was hearing, Steve had never even mentioned to me half of what was being said. I hadn't the slightest inclination that he had felt that much emotion towards someone like me for all I am was a girl who shows her emotion and her love by killing the only one who ever cared about me.
For that split second my mind was being overtaken by disturbing thoughts and deep remorse , of all the bad judgements and the horrific events of that occurred that evening had came flooding back like a hurricane in monsoon season. A huge feeling of guilt came to the pit of my stomach making it churn. How if I hadn't wanted to see him that night and purposely escaped from the house that night he would probably still be alive and with me today, these thought haunted my mind eventually making their way into my dreams for months to come.
Afterwards I never mentioned anything on the way home and the tears which fell from my eyes really made me wonder if I was to drowned, my mother didn't say one word all the way back as well, but her expression on her face told me that their was something brewing on her mind. I knew from past experiences that the longer she was to stew the worse it would be, so I began the conversation.
At that instant just as though she was reading my mind she told me that she had noticed the amount of care and support that was directed towards me at the funeral parlour and she couldn't help but wonder if they would still feel the same if they had knew the truth that the reason they all had to go through the ordeal in the first place was at the fault of the very one whom they were consoling. “Senseless, how two young lives had to pay the ultimate price for someone's total irresponsibility and total disobedience of authority” she exclaimed. What she was saying wasn't making me feel any better but the funeral was so dramatic and had left me so physically exhausted that I couldn't argue or defend myself against her cruel taunts so I just sat in the passenger seat, stared out the window, and continued to cry.
When we had arrived home all that I wanted to do was sleep but that wasn't possible in fact mother thought it best my time be better spent going on as if I nothing ever happened. Just as though Steve had never existed. I spent the rest of the day doing chores and other duties mother had to have done for the day. I was doing just that, trying to keep the funeral off my mind, and the painful memories of Steve out of my head, so that I didn't crack up totally. As I was sweeping the floor in the dinning room and they had another ministry program on the television, something that they had said in the episode about redemption caught my eye and I couldn't help it I had to sit down and watch. Normally my mother would've totally freaked out at me for not finishing my chores but this time she made an exception, I guess it suited her purpose.
Maybe it had just caught me at a bad time, or I allowed to get to me because of the vulnerable state that I was in, or maybe I let it captivate my mind in order to get out of doing chores, but for some strange reason the more I listened to the sermon the better I felt inside. In an unexplained way I was getting what the preacher was saying and found myself understanding the whole concept of this thing that was called religion.
Mother had noticed that I had taken a slight interest in the program and the following day she had taken advantage of it. Making me regret even watching the program at all, and making me wish that I had finished my chores as first requested of me. The next morning came and at breakfast Mother had told me that from now on everything was going to be different.
She had thrown a notebook on the table almost right over my bacon and eggs and told me to study it after breakfast, I did as she instructed. I glanced down at the duo-tang in front of me, the first page was full of everyday obligations at least Monday to Friday anyway. At first I was in shook and thought to myself that there couldn't possibly be enough time in one day to fulfil all of her requests, but to mention my concerns to her I knew was just an argument laying in wait, so as always I said nothing and kept it inside. From that day on mother was going into the school once a week to get the work all of the other students were working on so that she was to have a better understanding of the level that my studies were at this would happen for the remainder of the seventh grade, my day began at eight o'clock in the morning and consisted of four hours a day of strict study time, then I ate lunch, after that I would do specific chores that mother had laid aside for me to do, then finally and in any spare time I manged to have would be spent studying the bible.
As I said before I didn't have any problems with religion, but as she had forever done in the past she took it to the absolute extreme by making me memorize the whole bible cover to cover. Every once in awhile for an added touch she would quote scriptures and forbid I didn't know where it came from in the book for she made me find it and once that was done I had to write it down on paper two hundred times. She wasn't a total bitch though for she would ask me about my progress and only quiz me on the things that I would’ve already have memorized. Take it from me when you spent the better half a a whole day writing out a full page from the bible two hundred times you learn pretty fast how to memorize, when your fingers are so cramped that they are literally stuck in one position and as you try to move them they feel as though they are breaking off.
By the end of that year I had memorized at least a quarter of the bible, from Genesis to Job, what I really find amazing was the size of their families back then, some families had eight to ten people in them and each of them had a life expectancy of anywhere from one hundred to five hundred years.... unbelievable.
After the funeral Stephanie had given me one of the negatives that she had run off of Steve and I and at times that picture was the only thing that made life bearable and truly kept me from going insane. It was memories of the few good times that we were allowed to have that helped me through some days, if it was bad and I felt as though I wasn't going to make it. For whatever reason I was having a bad day I would call Trisha up on the phone and with her high hopes of me ever staying with her that would comfort me and make me feel just the slightest bit better, she was like that, always knowing what to say to cheer me up when I had hit rock bottom.
Trisha Colt, she's my sister. There were quite a few years between us and we came from different fathers but that didn't matter to us. We never grew up together for by the time I had come along she had already grew up and broke free of mother's tyrannical rages and over bearing ways. Sometimes I idolized for having the strength that she portrayed, and other times still I resented her for not taking me with her when she left and subjecting me to undergo the total manipulation at our mother's hand, but I’m not one to hold a grudge and just thank God that she is with me today.... I love you sis.
Getting back on track, the year had almost come to a close as far as school went anyway, and my birthday was two weeks away, and just as any other teen I just couldn't wait to turn sixteen and have the responsibility of having a driver's licence and the freedom that came with it, at least one part came true anyway I was allowed my driver's licence, but the lessons that I'd receive I'd soon find out came at a high price, one that I am paying for to this day, and no doubt will for the rest of my natural born life.
If I thought that my home life was bad before it was about to get a whole lot worse yet again. I never realized that so much evil could manifest itself so quickly in such a God fearing house as mine, but I guess there is good and bad in every household no matter the atmosphere. About two months after my birthday was when I started seeing little changes appear, I was coming of what my mother explained as womanhood and with that came uncontrollable moods and my concentration level had really taken a toll for the worst. I blamed it on my mother putting too much pressure on me and I had no outlet for my emotions, mother wouldn't hear of it and just said that I wasn't trying hard enough.
This one day I was really stressed out and this workload mother had put on me was really tearing me apart. So that night I had decided to take a long hot bath. As I lay there in the tub completely submerged under steaming hot water surrounded by the aroma of lavender bubbles, I began to drift off, for in that room and only in that room throughout the whole two storey house I actually felt safe in the solitude and company of myself. I felt comforted for in that one room I wasn't being judged for what I did or didn't do. I couldn't be punished for any mistakes that I could make, and it was in that one room that I felt as though I could be me. At least that is what i thought anyway, sadly that moment of tranquillity had to end, the water was getting cool, and my mother's voice was echoing from the bottom of the stairwell. As I stood up placing one foot out of the tub onto the floor and suddenly a chill came over me not the cold kind as you would expect but it was the kind one would get when you feel that someone is watching you.
When I stepped out totally on the towel that I had placed on the floor in front of the sink. The towel soon soaked from the water dripping from my body, I glanced toward the door to find that it was open slightly, not to much but just wide enough to see light coming through without straining your eyes. Thinking it was weird and that I was sure that I had fully closed it before my bath, not sure however I quickly went to grab another towel to cover myself then I slammed the door until I heard it click to make sure it was completely shut I reefed on it a bit. Suddenly that feeling of total contentment that I had before, turned to confusion I felt at that very moment that my sanctuary was in jeopardy.
I wasn't sure of what if anything had happened but oddly enough I still felt sick, so I hurried to dress, cleaned up the bathroom, and went downstairs. As I entered the living room my grandmother asked me if I felt better, I hesitated a bit and just said “yeah” but in reality my mind was so intensely fixed on why the door to the bathroom would be opened when everyone knew that I was taking a bath, that I had forgotten all about what it was that had stressed me out in the first place. That entire evening between reading pages of the bible and listening to the pastor on the television everyone seemed oddly at ease....everyone but me.
Grandmother had announced that Papa's insurance had finally been approved and that she was planning to invest it in what she called a profitable endeavour. Papa was a well respected, hard worker among the farming industry, that was until the war had taken his life. Grandmother was never one to complain and make a fuss over petty things , but losing her husband to a war that he did not start and for a country that didn't care left her a little bitter. It had been twenty odd years, several phone calls, and countless letters, and finally she had received their sign of sympathy from someone other then of those of family and friend, she was so excited.
After a couple of hours of argument grandmother and mother came to the conclusion the farm just wasn't paying the bills such as it had in the past so they decided to build a country store and restaurant. All that I could think about was “ Great, more responsibility as I looked around the room as the heated argument had simmered to a smoulder, the look on everyone's face was that of disgust, everyone but Sidney, but of course he has been freeloading off my mother so long that he probably just seen another gold mine strike. He had his eyes directed on me all the time that they were arguing and making gestures that in turn made me laugh, but also could get me in serious trouble. I was eventually told to go upstairs, he spoken up at that time and told me not to worry everything was going to be fine.
I thought it was strange, what his angle was, he'd never stuck up for me before, but I never questioned it and just did as I was told and ran upstairs. While upstairs alone I had a couple of hours to think and it wasn't about the restaurant business. I couldn't prove it and tried my best not to believe it but deep inside I knew that I had closed the door to the bathroom. I had fallen asleep that night, but I brought the conversation up at breakfast the next morning, everyone just told me that it probably wasn't totally shut to begin with.
Two weeks later grandmother found out that she didn't have to build a new restaurant for there just so happened to be a fairly new building up for sale about five minutes away from where we lived. So after about ninety hours of preparation it was up and running in full operation a week later. Mother had decided for the remainder of the year they would suspend my education until the following year, then she would enrol me into a private GED course the following year. I didn't mind though because ever since Steve's death and I was forced out of the public school system I had gradually lost interest in my studies anyway.
Mother had also cut my bible study time considerably as well, by doing this she knew that it would give me spare time to help out in the store. I didn't receive an actual wage, but the tips that I was to receive were mine, taking into account that sometimes they weren’t good but other times they were great. I had worked my little butt for the last three weeks and did have a little money saved, so I asked my mother for her permission for me to get my driver's permit. She had given me her approval right away and after finding out that it didn't take a rocket scientist to pass it, I aced the test with flying colours and soon I was on the road.
My mother had decided that she wasn't properly suited to teach me how to drive, or at least that's what she told me anyway, but I myself thought that the only reason she couldn't help me with my licence was for the simple reason that helping me with that would mean helping me leave, and she wasn't about to do that. For she wanted me at her mercy at all times, under her thumb so to speak.
Right after my test I knew that I had a full day ahead of me. I started my day by working the counter at the store and there were no dull moments with that task, for the restaurant always seemed to be busy. I thought at first that it was on account that we had just opened and everyone was just coming out to show their support, but as time progressed it would seem that it wasn't the case, we actually had regulars.
It happened around early evening, I didn't know exactly how I was going to pull it off but I really needed a break, some time to myself, I was feeling a bit closed in and just needed to get away,If only just for an hour, but how? Then it came to me. What I was about to do would probably cost me money, and definitely make my mother very angry, and I would also take the chance of getting hurt pretty bad myself as well, but I figured that there was no other choice if ever I was going to get away.
There was an order up, now as a waitress or anyone who worked with the public as far as that goes you tend to take notice in how people act and the certain rituals that on goes through while on a date. On this day the gentleman seemed antsy getting up several times to go to the washroom and as I walked into the dinning room area I had noticed that it was about time for him to make his trip, so it was perfect timing.
Their order was up I had made my way to their table with a fully loaded tray, overflowing with tea's and coffee, two orders of turkey soup, and an omelet. As I made my way towards him I launched they tray inward toward me being ever so careful not to make a mistake in what I had in mind, I arrived at the table at the precise time as he got up to go to the washroom, he conveniently hit the tray totally ruining my blouse, not to mention my skirt, and burning my arms and legs.
I let out a piecing shriek loud enough to alert the whole dinning area. Mother heard the commotion and soon came running, the man thought it was his fault and couldn't apologize enough. At that moment I almost felt guilty for he really did seem sincere in his apology, but I never revealed that I had done it on purpose. Mother told me to go home, clean up, and take care of my burns. I did as she instructed. That was my way out. I noticed two things walking back to the house, I really felt awful about the man, I mean he had no recollection that the accident was going to be done intentionally and the other was the longer it was before treating a burn the more intense the pain was. My arms and legs were stinging much more than I had anticipated, but nothing a hot bath wouldn't take care of or so I thought.
When I arrived at the house however the whole thought of having hot steaming water douched all over my body seemed really painful so I decided a Luke warm shower would do instead. At the time I guess I was too concentrated on the pain that I had forgotten to get a towel for when I'd finished,along with what had happened the last time I was in the shower as well.
When I had stepped out of the shower onto the floor I noticed an extra shadow in the room, thinking nothing of it I turned away to retrieve a towel from the cabinet above the flush, the bathroom was on the west wing of the house. The tub as you walked through the door was on the left side with a walkway between it and the sink, the flush was on the left as well but somewhat in a cubby hole space the bathroom had two mirrors a vanity mirror above the sink and a full length mirror opposite the doorway.
So when I went to retrieve my towel I glanced slightly into the mirror. I wanted to scream but only let out a nervous gasp. I just stood there, totally naked, frozen glaring into the mirror in awe. I made a motion to get a towel to cover myself. When I was told not to. The intruder had put his finger on his lips making a hushing sound, they then grabbed a towel from the cabinet and started twirling it up and using it as a whip they began to spank me with it, I forget how many times all I knew at the time was it hurt, I wanted to cry, kick, yell, and get away. Part of me felt as though I had deserved it but up until that moment my butt was the only part of me that didn't hurt, but that wasn't true now.
I wanted like anything to make him stop and just leave me alone but I just stood there crying and in shook at what had just occurred, totally petrified of what might happen next. He unravelled the towel and began to run the cloth from the top of my shoulders to the back calves of my legs, coming up behind me he whispered in my ear as he brushed my hair back “ don't worry, I won't tell”
Eventually I was able to brake away from his grip on me as he angrily said “ What you let little boys grope you, but you won't let your stepfather assist you when you are hurt” think about that he said “ you need me as much as I want you” He slammed the door leaving me cry as I lay in the middle of the bathroom floor, confused and not understanding what it was that had just happened, or in fact why? All that I could think about was what he meant by saying that he wanted me. I never told my mother about what occurred, for after she had seen Steve and I in school that day she would most likely think that I had asked for, and in some small way provoked it. I felt it best that I just get dressed and head back to the restaurant before I got in any more trouble than I may already be in. So I had decided to do just that, still shaken up and struggling to get my composure I managed to get dressed and head back to the restaurant trying ever so hard to pretend that the incident didn't happen.
Making my way throughout the house looking everywhere I noticed that he was no where in the place feeling now at ease a bit I ran down the road to the restaurant. I entered the front door of the store and as though a spy I kept eyeing every corner but when I reached the restaurant I could probably bet that I looked a little suspicious but as I glanced around the restaurant as to be expected of someone who had committed such an act as he had, he was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he had heard gossip of what happened to one of our customers and it had made him angry or he hid out of paranoia afraid of me bringing whatever it was he'd tried to do out in the open, by revealing the threat that he had made towards me to my mother, but either way he wasn't around and with his absence a sigh of relief soon followed.
The restaurant wasn't packed but there were still a considerable amount of people still present and just as though nothing had ever happened mother began to yell at me right in front of everyone, telling me that there were orders to be picked up and that it was still a restaurant and that they weren't going to close up just for a little accident that I might have had.
The head waitress heard mothers outburst and had seen the despair on my face as I entered as I entered the restaurant and now the look of fear was clearly visible. With sympathy in her eyes she just shook her head and rolled her eyes, and winking at me she swiftly walked away. I quickly hustled to see how in whatever way I could assist with something in the kitchen. All the time wondering that if my mother had known what had happened at the house if she would've been a bit more compassionate, but said to myself probably not, so as I was told I continued as I was suppose to.
Due to the fact that they never wanted to spend money, they had only hired two extra people, one to look after the counter at the country store and the other a short order cook and part time waitress. Unfortunately I had to do everything from help cook the meals, prep for the next day, wait on tables and over see the counter at the store. Though it never bothered me much for I loved people and it taught me how to multitask. Being in the store part gave me time away from my mother, which I needed a lot of.
It was around six o'clock and there were still a lot of people in the dinning room area and still orders to be delivered in the kitchen so I just knew that I was going to be in for a long night as if I hadn't been through enough already mother was probably going to yell at me for taking so long at the house and with that letting little problems that I may have interfere with my job. But however she did none of it, and some how the cold shoulder and silent treatment that she subjected me to seemed much more severe than any tongue lashing she would have ever administered. All that night I had a hard time sleeping, continually being awaken but trying to stay still in bed, it had driven me clear mad and all mother could tell me was to settle down and go back to sleep.
The next day I felt as though I'd be awake for weeks and could just imagine that I looked almost as bad. But I had skipped my regular bathroom routine for every time that I as much as looked in that direction it made my stomach churn, and I instantly felt weakened at the mere thought of even washing any part of my body in there. So after i was finished breakfast and had cleaned the dishes when no one was looking I would take a basin, fill it with water and wash up a bit to get ready for the day. The flush situation was simple, I just wouldn't use it, I would just wait and use the one at the restaurant. This routine went on for about a month or two, or until I snapped back to reality and ask myself why I should live in fear in my own home when I didn't do anything wrong. With that thought and due to the fact of the sudden pains in my stomach that had appeared made me figure out that I would just use that little button on the bathroom door from now on, so that no one could get in from the outside without causing concern throughout the rest of the house.