Puertorican
Villains
A Novella
BY M.A. GONZALEZ
COPYRIGHT 2012 BY M.A. GONZALEZ
Smashwords Edition
RELIGIONapoyo
I’m distilled in failure
The Gate
I prayed on a Pew
And left room for caution
The story is this
I exist in relation to
Our Bullshit
VILLAINS
ISBN: 978-1-4661-1623-8
PART 1- GRADUATION
Someone once called me a spic when I was a freshman in high school. I would actually take the train down to the city to study at the library behind Bryant Park. Then I would walk on the east side and be in awe of the homes. It was some white kid who had on a prep school uniform. He saw me on the street trying to look through the windows of a beautiful townhouse on East 75th street. He didn't say it directly to me, I heard him say it to some of his friends. I turned back and saw them look at me as if I was some sort of insect. They laughed at me from a pedestal. I was the bad guy. My identity was carved right before I even spoke a word. I was this spic. It was the first time I’ve ever felt like an insect. I looked at my clothes. Baggy. I looked at my reflection. I felt as though I couldn't recognize myself. I looked back into the windows of the town house and felt embarrassed for even trying to get a good look. It's one of those moments in life where at the time; it didn't mean anything to me. It bothered me for a second but I shrugged it off and went home. That night I started to think about it. The incident festered in my mind and it grew into rage. At different points throughout the day the word comes up in my head and I lash out. I'm not a fucking spic. I speak great perfect English. I'm smart. I have dreams. I'm a hard worker. Clearly this rage is now seeping underneath my skin and is directed towards my very own environment. I see it everywhere. My family. My friends. The people. The Nuyorican culture. The breeding. The ghettos. The language. The violence. I hate the Bronx. I hate the identity we've carved out for ourselves. They don't even care. Don't they care what other people think? We are not insects. We’re not spics. Well, actually I really hate to admit it. But when I look all around sometimes. I think I see my own environment in the exact same way those prep schoolboys saw me.
It's funny that this thought pops into my head as I’m going up the stairs of this apartment building. I've lived here all my life. Dirty place. Filthy walls. Floors. Loud. Cramped. My mom would always boast,” At least it's not the projects." Well, it's still fucking shitty. Ever since that incident in the city I’ve come up the stairs everyday thinking to myself I need to get the fuck out. It's incessant. I need to get the fuck out of this building. Out of the Bronx. Out of this influence.
"Benny!"
Fucking neighbors. Everyone knows me. Everyone shouts my name. Either from a window. A street corner. Outside their door. From a car. I hear my name shouted everyday. It's never quiet. It's nagging. It's loud. It's like they own me.
Carmen, the woman who used to babysit me when I was younger is coming down the stairs. She’s a social worker.
"Hey, Carmen," I say.
She looks disheveled as if she's just had really good sex. It's also amazing how enormous her ass is.
"Look at you. High school graduate. Congratulations."
"Thank you."
"I just spoke to your mother. Listen. Be nice."
She hurries down the steps before I can even respond to that. I'm still in my cap and gown for full effect. My mother’s going to get the ceremony she chose to skip out on. The whole apartment is a mess. Our dining table is full of unpaid bills and Victoria Secret catalogs. A Brazilian porn DVD is playing on the flat screen.
She stumbles out of her bedroom. It’s begun. There she is putting on her greatest performance as the mother who had no clue.
“I didn’t know. I didn’t know. You didn’t wake me up. Do you see me getting ready right now?”
She always looks as though she could be my sister. Leave it to mother to never take full responsibility.
“My high school graduation.”
“Why didn’t you wake me up?”
“You should be waking me up. Your door was locked this morning.”
“My door wasn’t locked.”
“Yes it was.”
“There’s a lot going on at work. You know that.”
I walk to my bedroom. There’s something disgusting about this apartment. There’s a smell. It reeks of disappointment and sex. The windows hardly let in any light at all.
“I had no family at my graduation.”
“Dario should be home soon. We can do down to the diner.”
“The diner? My friends are going off to real restaurants in the city. You want to take me to a hole in the wall diner?”
“You love that place. Where do you want to go?”
“None. No family.”
“You should’ve woke me up. I was going.”
I start taking off my cap and gown. She just stands there by my bedroom door. Her eyes are twitching. I know she’s aching for a cigarette.
“Are you hungry?”
All I need is to get changed and head out.
“What do you want me to say? What do you want me to do? I’ll do it.”
“That sounded convincing.”
“You want to make me feel bad? Fine. I try. I work hard for the both of us. It’s all I do.”
“There it goes. I knew you were going to try and turn this on me. Just leave me alone. I’m not even upset. I’m not surprised. I’m not anything, actually.”
“We don’t have any food here. I’ll go food shopping this weekend. I just got paid. And don’t forget to see Abuela this weekend. She’s been asking for you. She’ll give you some money.”
I hardly have any clothes. It’s too hot outside to wear pants but I don’t own any shorts.
“Congratulations, Benny.”
She walks away from my room. I change into my chinos and a tank top. Sweat is trickling down my forehead. It’s not just hot outside. It’s humid. Humidity in the Bronx is surely similar to burning to death. It’s the second week of the heat wave with no reprieve in sight. Three senior citizens in the neighborhood have died already. I pick up my slacks and make sure to take out my acceptance letter to NYU. I carry it everywhere with me. A clear indication that in a couple of months I will be out of the Bronx. I will have escaped my family and this shithole environment. It seems too good to be true but it’s happening. I’ve been waiting my whole life for something better and I’ve finally got it.
I walk to the door. She’s smoking a cigarette in the kitchen.
“Where’re you going?”
She comes out and flicks some of the ashes into the pot of a plant. I hate it when she does that. I shoot her a look of contempt and exit the apartment breathing a sigh of relief until I see Dario walking up the stairs. Her live in boyfriend of five years. He works at Best buy. Enough said.
“There he goes. Look papa, if I wasn’t working I would’ve been there. I got food for all of us.”
“Let me guess. Chinese food.”
“Where’re you going?”
I just keep walking down the stairs. On the second floor nosy Rosa who’s in her 60’s always has the door ajar. She’s a spiritual woman who thinks she’s psychic. Emphasis on thinks. Beyond ridiculous, she’s always holding a red candle and shouting out predictions as you walk up or down the steps. Most people listen to her, the rest know better.
“Benny. Ten cuidado. This summer will change your whole life.”
Outside there’s a couple of kids playing. Not as vibrant when I was a little boy, I’m assuming everyone’s inside playing video games or on the computer.
“Benny. Dios mio. It’s way too hot to be outside.”
Luz is leaning out her window. She’s always leaning against her pillow looking out into the neighborhood. I used to tease her along with the other kids on the block because of a big mole on the left side of her face but I grew to like her.
“Luz, I’m way too young to stay inside.”
I keep walking down the block. The heat is rising off the pavement. I can feel the cement toasting the soles of my sneakers. This kid Sammy who lives on the first floor of my building is standing outside of Mercy’s bodega on the corner peddling for money.
“Benny. You got a dollar?”
“What you need a dollar for?”
“It’s hot as fuck out here. I need an ice.”
“What did I tell you about cursing?”
“Man, give me the damn dollar.”
“Get off the fucking corner, or you’ll grow up to be a loser.”
I’m an awkward kid around these streets. The Grand Concourse makes me feel anorexic even though I eat profusely. Why are you so skinny, Benny? What’s wrong with you? I used to think I was in hell but I decided to be a bit more optimistic. It’s purgatory. Past the murals and gilded art deco buildings now brimming with a new generation of useless Americans sits my dream far off in the distance. A view of the city. Near the train station Ruth exits the supermarket with her grocery bags. She’s one of the craziest people I know which is why I try to avoid her most of the time. A youthful Puerto Rican woman in her 40’s who has lived three lifetimes in one and continues to do so. She lives across the street from me.
“Benny!”
“Hey, Ruth.” Too late to cross the street.
“Where you going? Come up to the villa. I just bought snacks. I’m making cocktails.”
She wears her hair short and always wears tube tops. She could pass for 20’s.
“I can’t I’m meeting the guys. We graduated today.”
“I know, Ray-Ray was telling me. That’s wassup. Listen, you motherfuckers need to come through, alright? I’m off work. Tell them.”
“Definitely. I’ll let the guys know.”
“Give me a kiss. And tell Ray-Ray I’ve got a delivery for him.”
Joyce Kilmer Park. Right near Yankee Stadium. Music is blaring through sound systems. It’s here where I’m meeting the guys. The three reasons why I was able to walk the halls safely. The reasons why I pretty much survived high school. It’s just been the four of us. It’s always been the four of us. Each completely different, yet crucial to the dynamic.
Not surprisingly, the first one I can hear as I’m approaching is already mouthing off.
“STEFFANI!”
Ray-Ray is the loudest one out of the group. The loudest, craziest, and most fearless. Though if I’m being honest the only way to understand Ray-Ray is to accept his own need for self-destruction. I’m always on my toes around him, that’s just the way he likes everyone to feel.
Steffani, Diane and Kayla are face to face with the guys. They are three girls from around the way who’ll always be around the way. Steffani and Ray-Ray have fucked occasionally even though she has a boyfriend. Diane is forever pretending to be a virgin but everyone knows she’s the first to give it up. And Kayla. Well, Kayla has been obsessed with one of our own.
“Steffani,” shouts Ray-Ray.
“What?”
“When’re you going to let me fuck you again?”
“Fuck you, Ray-Ray.”
“No, Fuck you.”
“Fuck you.”
“You know what? Fuck you. You’re a played out bitch anyway.”
“Nick, Can I talk to you privately please?” Asks Kayla.
Nick is at the center on the bench. He’s the magnet out of the group. Motherfucker has more charisma than anyone I know. All the girls flock to Nick because he’s the most-good looking. Shallow, yes. Or maybe because he’s incredibly stubborn? The guy never takes no for an answer. I’ve never seen it. It’s fun for us to park ourselves on a bench at Joyce Kilmer Park and watch a bunch of girls try and talk to all of us, all for the effort of trying to get to Nick.
“Aren’t you still with Manny?” I say.
“Don’t start with me Benny,” says Kayla.
“Kayla. It’s over for you. Nick doesn’t want you,” says Ray-Ray.
“I’m talking to Nick, thank you. Nick? Did you get my letter?” asks Kayla.
He looks down not knowing what to say. This is getting embarrassing.
“Aren’t you going to say anything at all?”
Ray-Ray starts laughing after Nick pauses.
“Nick,” pleads Kayla.
This is what happens when you fuck a girl for pity. He hooked up with her earlier in the year after she repeatedly made advances and even snuck into his bedroom and hid under his sheets to surprise him buck naked for his 17th birthday. It was a disaster especially since he brought home his girlfriend at the time.
“Don’t do this to yourself. Keep it together,” I say.
Kayla starts to cry. An ugly sort of cry.
“Come on. Your girl got rejected for the millionth time. When’s she going to get the hint?” says Ray-Ray.
Diane and Steffani pull Kayla away.
“Where’s Leo?” I ask.
“He’s parking the car,” Nick says.
Diane and Steffani walk back towards us.
“What?” Asks Ray-Ray.
“Ya’ll are some motherfuckers. We just came to let you know. You’re all going to get fucked up,” says Diane.
“Who’s going to get fucked up?” Asks Leo as he sits next to Nick on the bench.
Leo during the summertime only wears wife-beaters and black jeans. I always tell him how he reminds me of a Puerto Rican James Dean. Leo’s classically rebellious in every way, and smokes enough cigarettes to warrant an endorsement deal. He looks the oldest out of the four of us but he’s actually the youngest.
“Everyone in high school thought the four of you were faggots,” says Steffani.
“Fuck you,” says Leo.
“Steffani, everyone knows you let the basketball team fuck you on the senior trip,” I say.
“Well bump what you heard, I didn’t even go on the senior trip.”
“Everyone saw the pictures on Jose’s tumblr,” says Ray-Ray.
“This is not about me,” says Steffani.
Her face is flush with embarrassment. We can’t help but laugh right in her face.
“You played our girl Kayla all throughout high school,” Diane says.
“I didn’t do anything,” says Nick.
“She played herself,” says Leo.
“No,” Diane shouts.
“We will fucking destroy all of you,” says Steffani.
They walk away for good this time. There’s no question. It’s a land of idiots. I’m firmly dedicated to escaping this god-forsaken borough. This summer will serve as the final transition out. Once I step inside NYU, the Bronx will be a distant memory. Hopefully.
“We will fucking destroy you? Who says that shit?” asks Ray-Ray.
“It wouldn’t be a proper day out with Nick unless we’re ambushed by some girls,” I say.
Nick is not like himself. He rarely gives himself time to think and is always spewing off about what we should do next. He never really focuses on the moment, he’s always excited about what’s next. Right now his head is slightly down mired in thought.
“Your not down about Kayla. Are you?” I ask.
“No. I’m cool,” says Nick.
“He’s still thinking about Suehade,” says Leo.
“Motherfucker threw up on her,” laughs Ray-Ray.
“He thinks he’s in love,” says Leo.
“Nick in love is an oxymoron,” I say.
Nick gets up from the bench.
“What are we doing?” asks Nick.
“Guys. What time is it?” asks Ray-Ray.
“4Loko,” I say.
“4Loko,” says Leo.
“4Loko?” asks Ray-Ray.
“Let’s do this,” says Nick.
The bodega nearby on the corner is where we go for any alcoholic beverages. The owner Chencho, a Dominican man in his 50’s, is mad cool with us. Sometimes when he’s in a really good mood, he’ll let us take anything we want without paying. He smokes a lot of cigars and talks about going back to the Dominican Republic to open up his own restaurant. He always has a couple of his friends hanging around the store telling him bad jokes.
“Look who it is,” says Chencho.
“Chencho! Como esta?” asks Leo.
“Everything is always good. Money coming in, so I’m good.”
“We graduated today,” says Nick.
“Congratulations. You know I could have graduated but I ended up starting my own business and boom! Money! Money! Money! That’s all that matters. Why are you here? Where’s the party? Where the girls?”
“The party begins when we get the 4loko,” says Ray-Ray.
“We have the money right here,” I say.
Chencho gives us a look. He wants to say no but he’s not going to. He’ll just pretend it’s the only time this will be tolerated.
“Okay. Only this time,” says Chencho.
We all cheer and give Chencho a pound. I pool our money together and give it to him. Ray-Ray and Leo grab the 4loko from the fridges and throw it into a knapsack. The guys exit the bodega while I pick up clear cups and ice from the freezer.
“How much for the cups and ice?” I ask.
“Don’t worry about it,” says Chencho.
“Thanks.”
“Money. It’s all about money.”
I exit the bodega with the cups and ice in my hand. As soon as I step foot out onto the sidewalk I’m standing right next to Leo with a group of guys right in front of us. About seven deep.
“Which one of you is Nick?”
Papito, the leader of the pack is feared around the Grand Concourse. He’s just one of those guys, with one of those faces. He’s about 20 years old but is still trying to finish up high school at Clinton. Nobody fucks with this guy. Why? Suehade.
The guys and me look at each other.
“What do you want?” I ask.
My measly voice didn’t even travel to the ears of this goon squad. I look over nervously to Ray-Ray. He looks back at me.
“I’m Nick,” says Ray-Ray.
“I’m Nick too,” says Leo. Leo pops a cigarette in his mouth.
I hesitate. Our code of honor has been established since day one. Nick’s battle is my battle. Vice-versa. Same goes for Leo and Ray-Ray naturally. But my battle really amounts to nothing compared to the guys who can hold their own in a fight. I’m just not a fighter. Maybe if I was built that way but I’m not even wired to retaliate.
“I’m Nick.”
“Actually, I’m Nick, “says Nick.
“One of you threw up on my girl last night at the party,” says Papito.
We try our best to hold in our laughter but it’s difficult.
“Ya’ll got jokes? You think this shit is funny?” asks Omar.
Omar is Papito’s sidekick. A goon in every sense and a new kind of idiot. They don’t make stupidity like this anymore, it’s a talent where he’s concerned.
“Party? We don’t know anything about parties,” says Nick.
“No one invites us anywhere,” says Ray-Ray.
“I want to go to a party,” I say.
“We’re not cool enough,” says Leo.
“Is that why? Is it because we’re not down with the Dominicano’s,” says Ray-Ray.
“Fuck you,” says Omar.
“Please don’t curse in front of me,” I say.
“Whose your girl? I don’t know what this is about,” Nick says.
“You know who his girl is,” says Omar.
“If I know his girl then I probably slept with her.”
Papito goes right up to Nick’s face. People from around the block and across the street are starting to take notice of the scene.
“What you tryin’ to say?” asks Papito.
“I’m standing here,” says Nick.
Papito grabs Nick up.
“I don’t roll that way. I’m flattered. I am,” says Nick.
“Omar,” says Papito.
Omar hands Papito a pocketknife. I look at Leo. This is one of those situations where everything could go wrong in an instant. Papito is known for getting away with stabbing one of his best friends, Ariel, during a heated argument over Suehade. Papito heard some rumors about her messing with Ariel and approached him at a house party last summer. He ended up losing a lot of blood but survived. I think he’s living in Connecticut now.
Papito points the pocketknife towards Nick’s neck.
“Let go of him,” says Ray-Ray.
“I don’t have to do shit,” says Papito.
“Ray-Ray leave it alone,” says Nick.
“I said let go of him,” says Ray-Ray.
“Make me motherfucker,” says Papito.
Ray-Ray ends up grabbing the knife from Papito, which ends up cutting Ray-Ray’s right hand. He swiftly slashes Papito’s face. Omar tries to grab Ray-Ray but Leo throws him down to the street. A woman pushing a cart of laundry is crossing the street yelling about calling the cops.
Two guys that were behind Omar rush up holding down Ray-Ray. Papito is hammering Ray-Ray in the face. Meanwhile, Leo rushes to the corner of the block and takes the trashcan clocking Papito in the face.
“Run,” shouts Leo.
I rush out quickly with Nick around the corner and up the block. Leo gets Ray-Ray and catches up with us on the boulevard. The four of us running as fast as we can on the Grand Concourse. There’s not a better way to usher in the Summer time.
Papito and his boys are running right behind us. I’m having a hard time trying to keep up the pace. If I can’t keep up, I’m as good as dead.
“Benny! Hurry the fuck up,” shouts Leo.
“Where the hell is your car?” I ask.
The guys make a sharp turn at a corner. I trip up while I’m making the turn. I’m not very athletic. I manage to lose one of my sneakers, which slows my pace. I look behind quickly to see Papito is close to catching up with me, blood streaming across his face and everything. Shit. I no longer see the guys up ahead of me. I have no idea where the fuck they went. My only strategy is to run furiously to the end of the block. That’s all I have the energy for. If I die afterwards, then so be it. I approach the end of the block and run diagonal across the street witnessing a miracle. Leo’s car at the end of the block waiting for me. Nick opens the door on the right. I’m running with all my might to the car. Papito’s just inches away from me. I rush in one gulp of air to muster up any sort of traction and push forward. I reach the car door and slam inside the back seat next to Nick closing the door quickly. Papito slams onto the door but Leo speeds off quickly running the red light.
“Holy shit,” I say.
“What the fuck? Is this really over that stupid bitch?” asks Ray-Ray.
“I only spoke two words to her and we’re running for our lives,” says Nick.
“I think I was the only one running for my life. I lost one of my sneakers,” I say.
Leo looks at me through his rearview mirror. The afternoon is settling down into dusk. Though the sun is retreating, the heat is still palpable. Leo drives us to his building. We crack open the 4loko on the staircase of his hallway.
“Is your sister home?” Ray-Ray asks.
“Yup,” says Leo.
Leo’s older sister, Veronica, has raised him. His parents died in a car accident in Florida when he was ten years old. They were on a trip for their anniversary. Leo’s never talked about it but I know he thinks about it everyday.
The four of us sit in silence drinking. I’m staring at my shoeless foot.
“Every guy is crazy about that girl. I don’t see the big deal,” I say.
Nick finishes up his drink. He goes into the knapsack and pulls out another one.
“I need to see her again,” says Nick.
“Slow down. You know one of those is about four beers,” I say.
Leo’s sister opens her door.
“I knew I heard you guys in the hallway,” says Veronica.
“What?” asks Leo.
“I need something from the supermarket.”
“Go get it yourself.”
“Leo! All the shit I do for you!”
“Fine.”
Leo gets up off the stairs.
“Benny, get some sneakers in my room,” says Leo.
I walk inside Leo’s apartment. Everything is spare. There’s only a couch and a television in the living room. I walk to the end of the hallway and walk into Leo’s room. He just has a bed and a dresser. There’s no mirror. Everything is almost as dark as my apartment.
“My sneakers are in the closet,” says Leo.
I open the closet door. It’s cluttered with toys and random sports items. His sneakers are scattered. I spot a pair of black converse through the mess and pick them up.
“I feel like you don’t live here,” I say.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know everything here just feels like it’s never been touched.”
“Yeah. I guess so.”
“Look, I’m going to pay you back the money you lent me as soon as I get some cash.”
“Whatever. It doesn’t matter.”
Leo lent me the money to secure my spot at NYU. I still need to find a co-signer for my student loans.
“Thank you.”
I head back out into the hallway. Nick and Ray-Ray are smashed.
“Punch me in the face,” says Ray-Ray.
“Leave me alone,” says Nick.
We walk to the supermarket, which is a couple of blocks away. Inside it’s a rush to get outside into the parking lot before Ray-Ray bursts into flames from his drunkenness. He opens up a bag of potato chips and starts eating. The place is packed with oversized families. If you look in the carts everyone’s just getting junk food and frozen foods. Leo picks up a mixed powder drink from the shelf.
“You remember Tang?” asks Leo.
“That’s all Benny has in his house,” says Ray-Ray.
“And if you want Kool-aid ladies and gentleman, proceed to Ray-Ray’s humble abode,” I say.
“Best kool-aid you’ll ever have is at my place,” says Ray-Ray.
“You going to pay for those chips?” I ask.
“No.”
Ray-Ray stuffs the bag of chips into the shelf and runs off outside. I find the small bag of Canilla rice and throw it to Leo.
“Benny.”
I stop dead in my tracks. I turn around. The man who abandoned his family. He’s got to be in his early 40’s now. Thick mustache. Dressed nicely. Looks like a dictator. I’m not sure what to say. A young girl in her early 20’s comes into the isle with a small cart of food.
“I think that’s everything,” says the young mistress. Last I heard he’s living in Yonkers. She probably knows he’s married. I guess all his sidepieces live in the South Bronx.
“Benny, we’ll be outside,” says Leo.
“Wait up. I’m coming,” I say.
“Do you know this kid?” says the mistress.
I turn around and walk away as fast as I can. Outside of the supermarket Ray-Ray and Nick are racing in shopping carts.
“I haven’t seen your dad in years,” says Leo.
“Don’t call him that. He’s not anything,” I say.
“Why didn’t you talk to him?” asks Leo.
“Talk to who.”
“He’s your father.”
“I don’t have a father. Let’s get out of here.”
“Let’s race,” screams Ray-Ray.
Leo grabs a shopping cart.
“Come on. Get in,” says Leo.
I hop into the shopping cart. Leo pushes me onto the parking lot and lines me up next to Ray-Ray’s shopping cart where Nick is inside holding on for dear life. For the next half-hour we’re racing the carts all around the parking lot dodging cars and getting complaints from the customers themselves. The manager comes outside twice to tell us he’s going to call the cops if we don’t quit it but he’s bluffing.
After Veronica calls Leo cursing him out about the rice, we head back to Leo’s hallway while he gives her the bag of rice.
“Come on. Punch me in the face,” Ray-Ray says.
Nick is shitfaced. He leans his head back and gives it some thought.
“Fine,” says Nick.
“No. Come on. You guys know what happened last time. It turned into a full out fight that me and Leo couldn’t even break up,” I say.
“We’re just having fun. Shut the fuck up,” says Ray-Ray.
“Alright. But just remember I warned you two,” I say. “And we’re in Leo’s fucking building.”
“Just one punch,” says Ray-Ray.
“Where do you want me to punch you?” asks Nick.
“The left side of my face.”
“Okay.”
“This is fucking retarded,” I say.
Leo comes out of his apartment.
“What’s going on?” asks Leo.
“Nick’s about to punch Ray-Ray in the face,” I say.
“Again?”
Nick stands up after about five minutes.
“Okay. I’m ready. Are you ready?” asks Nick.
“I’m ready,” says Ray-Ray.
There’s a tense hesitation. Ray-Ray has a ridiculous smirk on his face. Nick has a concentrated look. He wants to punch him appropriately it seems. After about a good ten minutes, we’re all getting frustrated.
“What the hell? Punch him,” I say.
“I’m ready,” says Nick.
It takes only a couple of seconds but Nick finally socks Ray-Ray in the face. Ray-Ray falls back against the wall and falls to the floor.
“Crap,” I say.
“There’s no way I knocked his ass out,” says Nick.
Nick goes to Ray-Ray and kneels down. Ray-Ray opens his eyes and decks Nick in the face laughing. Nick falls back to the floor.
“Idiots,” I say.
We end up at a drugstore near the train station where Nick is nursing a bloody lip and hands along with Ray-Ray. Ray-Ray feeling rather adventurous decides to stuff some items under his shirt. Clearly the least intelligent out of the four of us, he’s capable of bringing us down to a level I’m trying to escape from.
“Are you serious?” I ask.
“I gotta do what I gotta do,” says Ray-Ray.
Ray-Ray tries to pass some items on to me, but I put it back on the shelves. I decide to exit the drugstore before Ray-Ray, knowing full well the alarms would go off. And go off they did. We all start running very quickly across the street away from the drugstore. Ray-Ray belligerently jumps on top of a car to show he’s not afraid of anyone. Though it doesn’t matter. No one comes out of the drugstore. They probably don’t even care.
The last stop of the night is the cuchifrito. Open all night and perfect when you’re coming down from 4loko. We’re parked at a table in the back of the restaurant with a heap of Spanish food at our disposal.
“It’s weird,” I say.
“What?” Nick asks.
“This time now. It’s just weird.”
“You know how long we’ve been waiting for this? Now look at us,” says Nick.
“Come on man. I don’t wanna talk about this,” says Ray-Ray.
“What?” I ask.
“This life fucking life talk we always do. I don’t want to talk about it. Why do we have to say anything?”
There’s a long silence. He always gets agitated when we talk about leaving the Bronx and starting our lives. I’ve been staring over at Leo noticing that he’s been trying to speak up about something. At first I thought he was aching to smoke a cigarette but I know it’s something else because he keeps rubbing his left hand onto his face. The silence goes on for what seems like forever but sure enough Leo breaks it.
“I’m leaving for the marines.”
I instantly look up from my food. He’s looking off down into his plate.
“You serious?” Nick asks.
“I joined two weeks ago.”
“What a fucking idiot. Why?” asks Ray-Ray.
“Because I wanted to,” says Leo.
“The fucking marines?” says Ray-Ray.
“How long were you considering this?” Nick asks.
“It was a spur of the moment decision. It felt stupid afterward, but it’s finally starting to sink in. I don’t know, my sister’s excited, it’s something different, you know? It’ll get me out of here.”
He hasn’t made eye contact with me at all.
“Yeah but…you’re going to Hunter. That was the plan,” I say.
He’s still not giving me eye contact.
“I didn’t know what I wanted to study. It just seemed like a waste of time and money,” says Leo.
“That’s why you have general education the first two years. You figure it out.”
“Or you just waste your money,” says Leo.
He finally looks at me.
“Well I’m not going to NYU like you and Nick. I’d rather travel and figure it out, outside of New York.”
Another silence follows. My mind is racing and I’ve suddenly lost my appetite for some reason.
“That’s cool, man. And they pay for your school afterwards anyway so you can still go,” says Nick.
“Yeah. We’ll see,” says Leo.
“That’s stupid. It’s a cop out. You just made a decision based on a whim without thinking it through. The marines,” I say.
“Tell us how you really feel Benny,” says Leo.
“ I mean, sure the traveling sounds great but most of the servicemen come back even more lost than when they first started out.”
“Chill out. It’s his decision,” says Nick.
“I’m cool. I’m just saying,” I say.
I said too much. I do need to chill out. Fuck. I guess I drank too much as well.
“When do you leave?” asks Ray-Ray.
“August 15.”
Suehade enters at the perfect moment. The Helen of Troy of the Bronx. The reason why we were running for our lives earlier. The one girl that Nick could never have. She’s just entered with two of her friends, Mona and Jasmine. Pretty girls as well but not in the same league as Suehade. I don’t know much about her except that she’s Dominican and very smart. Apparently she’s going to Vassar in the fall but I think that’s just a rumor.
“Check it out,” says Ray-Ray.
Nick turns around and looks back to us quickly. He’s in shock. The girls never once look our way, I’m not sure if that’s on purpose but they seem to be in a deep discussion at a table not too far away.
“Alright. I’ll be back,” says Nick.
Nick saunters over to the girl’s table. Jasmine and Mona look over to Nick.
“Oh god,” says Jasmine.
Suehade doesn’t even look over once at him. She has some will power.
“Hey,” says Nick.
The girls ignore him completely.
“This is bad,” says Leo.
“I want to apologize about last night,” says Nick.
“What do you want?” asks Jasmine.
“I just apologized.”
“Okay.”
“Your boyfriend came at me earlier. I guess heard and whatnot…”
“You fucked up Papito’s face,” says Mona.
“That wasn’t me.”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” says Suehade.
“He’s looking for you right now. Him and his boys,” says Jasmine.
“I drank a lot last night,” says Nick.
“I know. You vomited on me. Apology accepted,” says Suehade.
“Okay. Thanks,” says Nick.
He walks away back to our table and sits down confused.
“This is the first time I’ve seen you look unattractive. Maybe it’s the rejection?” I ask.
“What happened?” asks Leo.
“I’ll be back,” says Nick.
Nick walks back to the girl’s table.
“Hey,” says Nick. “Um…you said he’s not your boyfriend?”
“I’m not interested,” says Suehade.
“Why not?” asks Nick.
“Your not my type.”
“What exactly is my type?”
“Egotistical. Self-absorbed. And Immature.”
“I’m going to NYU in the fall.”
“Is that supposed to impress me?”
“Mostly everyone else is going to community from our high school.”
“You think you’re better than me because you’re going to a private university?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“That’s what you just said. Everyone else is going to community. So am I. Although I could’ve gone to a private institution, I’m saving my money so I can transfer after my general education is done. What do you think about that?”
“I think that’s great. That’s smart.”
“Will you get away from this table?”
“I’ve got a good head on my shoulders. I’m not like the other guys from around here.”
“You had a hard time keeping your head up last night. Why would I want to entertain someone as typical as you?”
“Why would you assume I’m typical?”
“You’ve slept with half the girls in our high school. What makes you think I’m just like the rest? And if you knew better and thought that I was different you wouldn’t be standing here looking like an idiot.”
Nick walks back to our table. We’ve all just witnessed history. Nick burned to dust.
“Let’s get out of here,” Nick says.
“She just rejected you,” says Ray-Ray.
“No. I’ll be back,” says Nick.
I’ve got to admit. He’s perseverant. He walks back swiftly to the girl’s table.
“Look. I’m not like the other guys from around here.”
“You said that already,” says Mona.
“What makes you so special?” Nick asks.
“Are you asking me?” Suehade asks.
“Yes,” says Nick.
“Oh hell no. Let’s get out of here,” says Suehade.
The girls get up and walk past Nick.
“Look. I don’t take no for an answer. I want to take you out,” says Nick.
“No,” says Suehade.
The girls wait by the counter to collect their food to go.
“Forget you, then. Your friends tried to get with me last night anyway.”
“Enjoy NYU, Neil,” says Suehade.
“It’s Nick.”
The girls laugh as they exit with their food. Nick walks back to our table defeated.
“This night needs to be over,” says Nick.
I look over at the girl’s table and notice that there’s a cell phone where Suehade was sitting.
“Look. She left her cell phone,” I say.
Nick walks to the table and picks up her phone. Suehade rushes in and sees him with her phone. She walks to him with her hand out.
“I’m not giving back your phone.”
“You’re not giving me my phone?”
“Right. Until you agree to let me take you out on one date.”
“No. And how about I call the cops?”
“Call the cops.”
“Give me my phone.”
“Come to my family’s barbeque on the fourth of July.”
“I’ve got a party to go to.”
“Just come for a little bit then go to your party.”
“No.”
“I know you left your phone here on purpose.”
Suehade stares at him with her arms crossed.
“Man forget it,” says Nick. “Here.”
He hands her the cell phone. She stands in her heels with a smirk on her face.
“Take my number down and text me your address. I’ll see if I can go.”
We watch them exchange numbers. Suehade exits promptly.
“Somehow no matter what, He always gets the number,” I say.
Ray-Ray and I give five dollars to Leo. Nick walks back to our table a little sweaty.
“Shit! It never took that long,” says Nick.
We all can’t help but laugh.
“La Cuenta,” shouts Leo.
Time for the check. It’s time to go home. And as I go up the steps once again to get some much-deserved rest, the rage that I feel rises to the surface of my skin giving me Goosebumps. I can see the beautiful wooden floors inside that townhouse. I can see the library stacked with books. The essence of a real home. Then I stop on the staircase and see my reflection in that window. How different am I from that day? My eyesight is clouded and I can only hear that one word in my head over and over again. Spic.
PART 2//////4TH OF JULY
It is the 4th of July and I’m walking back from Mercy’s Bodega on the corner. My mom wanted me to pick up some chips and soda for breakfast. She never eats real food until Dario brings over some takeout after he gets off his shift at Best-Buy. Chinese fast food never really seems like real food in my world. Usually for the holiday we all get together with the family at Orchard Beach and bring trays full of rice, beans, a lot of pork and platanos but no one was in the mood. I run into my aunt Junie up the block. She’s pregnant with her second child and has no idea know who the father is. Junie has always been a cute girl. She’s only in her early 30’s. It’s funny how she usually talks at me about her problems and expects me to solve them for her.
“What the fuck happened to you the other day? I was waiting for you to bring me that air conditioner your mother was telling me she didn’t need anymore,” says Junie.
“I completely forgot. You know with graduation and everything.”
“You need to bring that shit tonight because I can’t stand this fucking humidity. Where’s your mommy? She still hasn’t gotten back to me about the baby shower,” says Junie. My mother and her are often on the outs with each other due to reasons I don’t even know about.
“I’ll see what’s going on and let you know, Junie, but I’ve got to go. I’ll try to bring it tonight,” I shout to her as I keep walking. It’s still incredibly hot outside. Two more senior citizens have died from heat stroke nearby. There’re a lot of people from the neighborhood outside today trying to sell water or ices to make a little extra cash. I see a couple of people from my high school hanging outside playing street ball.
“BENNY!”
I hear my name shouted from above and already know who it is as I look up. Ruth.
“Ruth! What’s up? Long time no see.”
“I’ve got a surprise for you. Come up to the villa. I’m making cocktails to cool off. Some of the kids are here,” says Ruth.
By kids, she’s referring to Leo and Nick. We often would hang out at Ruth’s place in the summers during high school because she would expose us to a lot of things we weren’t supposed to be around. Nick, Leo and Ray-Ray have slept with her on numerous occasions and sometimes at the same time but I’ve never explored that option knowing full well it would not be enjoyable in the least bit. I get to the ‘Villa’ and see Nick and Leo seated on her couch drinking what looks to be fruit punch laced with vodka.
“There he goes, now we’re only missing one. Where’s Ray-Ray?” asks Ruth.
“Problems with his girl,” says Nick.
“He’s still with her?” asks Ruth. “That girl’s a pain in the ass.”
“They’re in love,” I say.
“Well I need him here. He belongs to me,” says Ruth. “I need all my kids here.”
“What’s the surprise?” I ask, as Ruth hands me a large glass of fruit punch or rather a large glass of red vodka. Ruth dramatically extends her arms to me showing off a cheap looking ring on her wedding finger.
“I’m engaged,” she says. I’m not surprised. Every month she’s engaged to a different low life.
“Wow. Congratulations. Who’s the lucky guy?” I ask.
“Oh, you’ll meet him. He’s sleeping now in the room,” says Ruth. There’s a loud knock on the door. Ruth answers it, revealing a short Dominican man who hands her a small bag. She hands him a $50 dollar bill.
“Special Delivery,” says Ruth. She puts the small bag on the table. Special Delivery is cocaine. She’s constantly hopped up on it but I must say she’s extremely responsible and pays her bills on time. Leo prepares the coke on the table while Ruth puts on some music. A very tall black man comes out of her curtains in an irritable mood. He’s only wearing boxers.
“Where’s my phone?” he asks.
Ruth smiles, “I don’t know where your phone is. Check the bedroom.”
“If I don’t get my phone right now there’s going to be some problems. I need my phone,” he says. Ruth is already a little drunk.
“I didn’t take your fucking phone. You are in MY house. You have misplaced your phone in MY house. Now I have company. Stop embarrassing me,” Ruth says.
“You always have people over.”
“People love me. People want to see me, okay? I’m a star. People love me. You will never see me alone,” says Ruth. She does two lines on her table. “I’m the star. You see all these people here? They love me. So if you don’t like it then get the fuck out.”
He goes back into the bedroom beyond the curtains.
Ruth finishes her drink and steps inside the bathroom.
“I’ve got to head back home and give this to my mom. Leo, you’ll be around soon to take me to Nick’s?” I ask.
“Yeah just meet me in front of Veronica’s job because I’ve got to get some gas money,” says Leo.
I exit the apartment and finally head out back home up the block. I cross the street and walk into my building. I open the door to my mom’s bedroom but it’s locked. I knock loudly waiting for an answer. But she’s not opening the door. I hear another person in the room along with some loud freestyle music. Maybe Dario got home from work? Either way, she promised to give me some money when I got the stuff for her. I need to be persistent.
“Benny, what the fuck!” Mother screams from the bedroom. I’ve always liked bothering her.
“Junie wants to know if you’re going to the baby shower?”
“What?”
“JUNIE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU’RE GOING TO THE BABY SHOWER?” I scream.
“I told that bitch ten times already, I’m not sure!”
“I have your stuff from the bodega. Give me the money I asked for.”
“I’ll give it to you later.”
“No. I want it now. I’m leaving to go hang out.”
“Go ask your father!”
“I thought he was in there with you? And he’s not my father!”
My mother opens the door slightly and takes the bag. Then she hands me two bills and tries to shut the door but I grab it and push it open. I expect the unexpected, which was another man in bed though my mom is not the type to cheat at home. I didn’t know how to register the image of another woman masturbating on my mother’s bed. Not just any woman but the lady downstairs who used to babysit me when I was little. Before I can get a good look of my mom’s face I dash out of the room, heading out into the hallway. I hear my mom calling my name not in an angry tone but more of a desperate plea. What is going on today? The only thing I could think of when I get back down to the street and open my hand; two dollars was not going to be enough to pay back Leo. I’m not going to panic.
I’m going to enjoy this summer. No. I’ll try. I have a resolution. Yeah, Resolutions are usually for the beginning of the year but who gives a shit. I need to wean myself from my incessant hunger for money. Needing it. Wanting it. I’m trying to rise above to some Buddhist place where I forget about money. I will enjoy myself for once. I’ve worked hard to get into NYU and now I’m going to just relax. But that is impossible. Money is elusive in my life. Money is constantly this force in my head swiveling my thoughts in different directions causing panic attacks and wonderful fantasies. I mostly suffer from panic attacks. I’ve grown up poor around others who were also poor therefore we did not feel poor. But we were Poor. I knew we were poor when Nick and me first became friends in middle school. He lived nowhere near me and I remember watching him getting picked up all the time in his dad’s Range Rover. Nick’s family is upper middle class. They live in a house. His parents even have money to pay for his tuition at NYU while I have to take out more loans than I can count. I just have always been fascinated with the idea of having money. Not in a hip-hop, money cash hoes type sense but just in general. When Nick first came over my place we could only offer him two beverages. Tap water and Tang. The look on his face exhibited a sort of sadness, the same look you get when looking at those commercials with those starving children in Africa who have their skeletons sticking out. Okay, I’m exaggerating. But I was pretty much one of those children to Nick. Tang is the definition of poor in my book. It’s a fruit-flavored mixed powder drink, which contains nutrients, but only enough to make you realize your life is shitty. I used to love it until I hit puberty at about 13. I’d like to think that my mother was being conscious of my health but we honestly live off Chinese takeout. Anyway, Nick felt bad for me often. Sometimes I couldn’t go on field trips and do the things everyone else was doing so he would cover for me without even asking. There was one time when I didn’t even show up for school because my mom had no money for a trip to the museum in the city. But he called me up and told me that my name was on the list and that I better hurry up to school before the bus left.
I’ve always been extra grateful to Nick for looking out. The other guys never had it as bad. Leo and Ray-Ray aren’t on Nick’s level but they’re not on mine. I knew that my mom was to blame. Her main priority was not me it was herself. I think they understand my situation but I’ve never really talked about how bad it is. I’m not looking for any sympathy. I’m just focusing on the future. None of us want to stay here; the plan is to get out of the Bronx. The plan still is to get out of the Bronx. The four of us share that wish but for different reasons. It’s always been my mission to try and figure out how I can get out of this social bracket. I’m not sure what I want to do in life but I’m confident in knowing that I’m a New Yorker. Once I live in the city I’ll never trek past 116th street. God willing. Can I live on a nice block with a bookstore across the street and good restaurants? Ray-Ray never likes to talk about life. Leo doesn’t really know what he wants. And Nick is certain of a career in finance, or advertising, or Law.
My big fear though is that everyone else is going to leave before me. Or they’ll just leave and I’ll never be able to make my way. I never have any money to hang out. For instance, my mom has only given me two bucks. Right now, one would think that the only thing on my mind is the image of my mother and another woman in bed. But on the contrary, I’m worried about getting enough money to hang out tonight with my friends. I don’t need a crazy amount it’s not like we’re going out to dinner. It’s just that we always pool together cash to drink. And we drink a lot. When I put my two bucks in tonight, Ray-Ray is going to say something and the rest of the guys will just be silent. It’s embarrassing. Therefore, a trip to my dear grandmother must be made. She always manages to spot me forty bucks or twenty.
Abuela is sick. Well, she’s not exactly sick. She’s just old. I mean, it’s difficult for her to walk around and she’s in constant pain. Often there are times in the day when she has to stand still for about twenty minutes from fear of fainting. I remember once we were at the doctor’s and she was having a hard time trying to describe to her physician what was going on. All she could do was explain how she felt as though she was dying. That just made me sad. It’s a lot to take care of her. She needs constant care and only has a home attendant for the daytime. But now everyone in the family has sort of relinquished any sort of responsibility and I think are secretly hoping for her to just pass away, which is terrible. She’s always provided much more than she should have to take care of me. I think she always felt it important to overcompensate for the lack of parenting or rather the poor quality of parenting my mother provides. Anyway her birthday is coming up and I don’t know why but I have a feeling that this is going to be the last. She’s been talking about death frequently and even coming up with topics to discuss with Jesus when she arrives.
“You keep talking about Jesus. What about Abuelo? Don’t you miss him?” I ask.
“What about him? He cheated me here on this earth. He’s only having more fun wherever he is. Pendejo, conio!”
Then she went on and on about how there better be coffee or else she’d rather not exist. Coffee is my grandmother’s vice and will always be. Never touches a drop of alcohol but rest assured she’s hopped up on caffeine. The only problem these days is that she never eats. And for the past few months it has literally just been coffee going in and out of her system, which is terrible. No one can get her to eat anything.
“You have to eat something. I will not drink one more cup of coffee until I see you at least put a piece of bread in your mouth. In fact, I will never come back and I’m serious.”
She always gives me a blank look on her face pretending as though she doesn’t understand my English. “Oh you know what I just said,” I continue.
She slowly picks up the piece of bread I cut for her and brings it up to her mouth. It seems like centuries before she puts it in her mouth and chews slowly as she winces in agony. Clearly, she just has no appetite.
She finishes chewing and swallows finally exclaiming, “I want a birthday party.”
I just look at her. Then I think to myself she really is going to die soon. This is a no-fuss woman. She does not like parties. She hates crowds. And most importantly, she hates our family. I mean immediate family. Her two daughters, deceased husband Julio, her own sister Juana. I think she likes me to a certain extent, but she’s only just really started to talk to me. Everyone hates each other especially when you bring extended family into the mix. Forget about it, everyone talks shit about each other. It’s just one big bitter family trying to survive. I’m afraid for the baby shower. We just stare at each other for a little bit. She really wants a party. I can see it in her eyes.
“Okay. I’ll get everyone together and we’ll have a nice party here with a cake. And you better eat some of the cake.”
After I clean up and wash her dishes I make a beeline for the bathroom. I never ask her for money, that’s the rule. She’s almost ninety years old and I refuse to ask for the money. But if I leave too quickly, she will forget to look in her drawer and take out some money for me. I have to leave in a certain way. You would think by now I’ve got this down to a science, but each visit is very specific and unique in its own way. She also gets very distracted when watching novellas, which is the case when I leave the bathroom. She doesn’t even look my way.
“Alright, I’m leaving.”
She doesn’t hear me so I say it a little louder and finally she looks my way. She gives me a kiss on the cheek as I walk slowly to the door.
Why is she saying goodbye to me so quickly? It usually takes about twenty minutes and I like to refuse the money for the first ten minutes then accept it and hug her for the remaining ten. I don’t why but in this family it takes forever to say goodbye. I stop at the door and do something I’ve never done before.
“I need money.”
She looks at me with the sorriest look on her face.
“I’m so sorry papi, I just gave you mommy some money so she can pay the rent.”
“Money for the rent? When did she ask you for money?”
“Yesterday. But I get my social security next week, don’t you worry. I will give you more than I usually do. Okay?”
She rushes to me and gives me several kisses. I hug her and exit. Why is mother not able to pay the rent on her own this month? It’s not even that much; it’s about five hundred bucks last time I checked. If there’s one common thread in my life which keeps occurring it’s the fact that my mom has fucked up something and is waiting for someone else to clean up the mess.
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