TREAT YOUR MAN LIKE A DOG…
AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER
AFTER
A relationship primer for women who love dogs
Maïa Madden
TREAT YOUR MAN LIKE A DOG…
AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER
AFTER
A relationship
primer for women who love dogs
Maïa
Madden
Copyright © 2012 by Maïa Madden
Smashwords
Edition
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Foreword
by Fred Luskin, Ph.D
Preface
1.
Do You Love Your Man Enough? Take the Test
2.
Who’s the Best Dog?
3.
I Can’t Help It, I’m a Dog
4.
Don’t Ignore Him or He Will Stray
5.
Let Him Play
6.
Take Good Care of Him
7.
Tell Him What You Want, But Don’t Talk Him to Death
8.
Above All, Be Kind
9.
Relationship Wisdom from the Tao of Dog
by
Fred
Luskin, Ph.D.
Author of Forgive
for Love
That relationship would not benefit from more forgiveness and understanding? Who is not capable of changing their attitudes from critical and mean to accepting and kind, if they really want to? In Treat Your Man Like A Dog…And Live Happily Ever After, Maïa Madden asks women who love dogs to observe how caring, admiring, accepting, forgiving, understanding, playful, honest and kind they are with their dogs. Then, with a smile and a gentle nudge, she urges women to extend their dog-loving ways to their mates if they want their relationships to endure and thrive.
As director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project in Palo Alto, California, I have spent more than ten years researching the healing power of forgiveness. I teach couples a practical seven-step process of forgiving that enables them to overcome their differences and communicate lovingly. Forgiveness is crucial to the survival of relationships, but first must come a willingness to recognize that negative attitudes, past resentments, critical words and harsh judgments stifle long-lasting love. Using humor and anecdotes, Treat Your Man Like A Dog…And Live Happily Ever After helps women initiate that first step by realizing that the way they treat their beloved pets is much kinder and more thoughtful than the way they often treat their mates.
Whimsical yet empowering, Treat Your Man Like A Dog… And Live Happily Ever After never scolds or insults women. Instead, it illustrates how unconditional love is an attainable goal, one they already share with their dogs. It is a wake-up call for meaningful change, with instructions included.
Just as women choose their dogs, they choose their significant others, for better or for worse. Once they commit to their choice, they do not expect a Yorkie to act like a Saint Bernard, yet they think it is possible to control and change their partners. This book tells women that they can only change themselves, and urges them to focus on loving their mates for who they are, not who they expect them to be.
Treat Your Man Like A Dog…And Live Happily Ever After asks women to be grateful for their men and show it with praise and affection, just as they do with their dogs. Instead of harping on what men do wrong and dwelling on past offenses, women can choose to see the good in their husbands and lovers and learn to rejoice in the present moment, as dogs themselves do. Once they take responsibility for changing themselves and realize how blessed they are to be loved, they will be ready to implement the seven steps to forgiving, which I have seen work miracles in faltering relationships. Women who love their dogs will get a head start by reading this book and taking its lessons to heart.
Fred
Luskin, Ph.D.
Author of Forgive
for Love
“You cannot do
a kindness too soon
because you never know
how soon it will be
too late.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
One morning, I was complaining about the dirty dishes and my children’s messiness and the unfairness of being expected to do everything for everyone. As I was heaping buckets of surliness and resentment on my hapless boyfriend, who was trying to read his newspaper in peace, my beloved Pug-a-Poo, Rocky, scampered into the kitchen. Interrupting my tirade, I bent over to pet him and tell him what a good boy he was and ask him if he needed a walk, all in the sweetest voice imaginable. My boyfriend looked up and said, “Rocky is the only one you are always nice to.”
This silenced me like a stab in the heart. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I felt ashamed that I didn’t show the same feelings for my loved ones as I did for my dog. I started thinking about my friends who were so attentive to their dogs and yet often so nasty and dismissive to their partners. What if we could treat our mates as well as we treat our dogs? Wouldn’t we all be a lot happier?
In an article in Vanity Fair magazine, the designer Oscar de la Renta, when asked what he would like to be in his next life, replied, “A dog, so my wife would love me more.” How pathetic that such a talented, intelligent man felt he didn’t get the love he needed.
And how sad that so many men feel the same way. How many women praise their dogs but never their men? How many women stop whatever they are doing to pet their dogs, give them treats and profess their undying love while completely ignoring their husbands? How many women tell their friends stories about how sweet and smart and loyal their dogs are, yet share only complaints about their relationships?
I started observing women with dogs in the park, on the street, at outdoor restaurants— even at the hairdresser’s. Sure enough, almost all of them, especially the over-40s, treated their dogs with utmost solicitude and respect. Not so their husbands, if they still had them. There, I saw neglect and dismissal, at least when the women didn’t know I was spying on them. The same held true for many of my friends. I had never noticed how much they took their mates for granted and how unkind they could be at the slightest provocation. Their love spigots turned on and off depending on whether they were dealing with their dogs or their partners.
Now, by suggesting that women treat their men as well as they treat their dogs, I don’t mean to suggest that men are dogs. (That comparison is often taken as an insult, although in my book it is the highest compliment.) Men are a little more complicated, but all in all they are much simpler than women. Like dogs, they have certain needs and characteristics that women can easily grasp and just as easily satisfy in the same loving way they do with their dogs—if they choose to.
Maybe you are murmuring to yourself, “I certainly don’t love my dog more than my husband.” That may be true in the abstract, but is it true in real time? Are you blind to how you act? Do you need a wake-up call before you end up with just the dog? Take my little quiz in the first chapter and try to observe yourself as a stranger would. Then think, “Who feels more loved by me, my man or my dog? Who seems happier? Whom do I embrace without reservations?” Be honest.
It’s never too late to be kind. It’s never too late to be grateful for the people and pets in your life. And it’s never too late to change your ways, especially by practicing love in the here and now, where it counts. The first step is to take a hard look at yourself and your relationship and watch your thoughts and actions as if you were watching a movie. Compare those thoughts and actions with those you have for your dog. The lesson is that obvious. Once you start changing how you think about your man and how you act toward him, love and appreciation will replace indifference and scorn, and you’ll both be much happier.
So many mushy books tell us what dogs can teach us about life but fail to mention the most important lesson of all: that the way dog lovers treat their pets should be the way they treat each other: with concern, kindness, affection, acceptance, attention, honesty and playfulness.
Therefore, without any wish to offend, I will sometimes call men dogs in this book— that is, dogs we love and pamper and want to be with. Dogs we feed and pet and buy bones for, even if we are vegetarians. If you don’t love your dog, don’t bother to read this. If you do, it will make perfect sense.
DO YOU LOVE YOUR MAN ENOUGH?
TAKE THE TEST
In order to determine how much you need this book, please answer the following questions. And be honest…
1. With whom would you rather sleep?
a. Your partner
b. Your dog
c. Your man next to you and your dog in a doggie bed or on your bed, if that’s what both of you like
2. It’s Sunday morning and your mate is getting frisky, do you:
a. Stay in bed and have some fun?
b. Jump up and go for a jog with your dog?
c. Have some fun and then all go for a jog ?
3. You get a second dog and insist that she also share the bed, even though your partner objects. Who ends up in another bed?
a. Your man
b. Your dogs
c. You would never insist!
4. It’s a beautiful weekend morning. What do you do?
a. Fill the cooler and head to the beach with your mate
b. Take the dog to the beach alone and hang
c. Plan a great day at the beach for all of you
5. Your dog is circling you for dinner and your man is asking you what’s for dinner. Whom do you answer in a sweet voice and oblige immediately?
a. Your partner
b. Your dog
c. Both if possible
6. You come home tired after work, and your dog and your partner are there when you open the door. Who gets hugs and kisses and cheery hellos first?
a. Your mate
b. Your dog
c. Both
7. If you are busy and your dog comes up to lick your hand, then your man comes up to give you a hug, to whom do you respond with a loving touch and kind words?
a. Your man
b. Your dog
c. Both
8. You have a little extra money, so you want to splurge. Do you:
a. Reserve a romantic room for two for Valentine’s Day?
b. Buy your dog a designer leash, a fancy new bed and lots of toys?
c. Plan a romantic weekend and find someone to watch your dog?
9. Your husband asks you to go on a trip with him. Do you:
a. Say yes right away
b. Say you have to stay home with the dog
c. Say you will call the dog sitter tonight
10. With whom do you spend more leisure time?
a. Your partner
b. Your dog
c. Both in different ways
11. Your dog has a tick and your man has a splinter. Who gets your help?
a. Your man
b. Your dog
c. First your man, then your dog
12. Whose picture is on your cell phone?
a. Your partner’s
b. Your dog’s
c. The picture changes regularly
13. Whose picture do you have in your wallet?
a. Your mate’s
b. Your dog’s
c. Both, among others
14. Your dog goes out to do his business and your husband goes out to get the newspaper. After an hour, neither is back. Who are you worried about?
a. Your partner
b. Your dog
c. Both of them or neither—they’re big boys
15. You cooked a huge steak for dinner. Your man would love a steak sandwich for lunch tomorrow, but your dog would love to eat the rest right now. What do you do?
a. Save the steak for tomorrow
b. Cut it all up for the dog
c. Give the dog the bone and some tidbits and save the rest for a sandwich
16. To whom do you say “I love you” the most?
a. Your partner
b. Your dog
c. Both of them, of course
If you have ten or more b answers, you MUST read this book.
If you have twelve or more a answers, you need to have a talk with your dog.
If you have twelve or more c answers, you are doing something right but read the book anyway!
“This is the
miracle that happens every time to
those who really love: the more
they give,
the more they possess.”
Rainer
Maria Rilke
A woman sits at an outdoor table with her Cocker Spaniel at her feet and her husband next to her. She is constantly leaning over to pet the dog and offer little treats. Not once does she touch her husband’s hand, look into his eyes or speak to him, except to complain that the mocha she is drinking is the worst she’s ever had.
I have a good friend who confessed that she said “I love you” to her dog many times a day, but had never been able to say it to her husband without feeling embarrassed. She’s English, but that can’t be the whole story.
No wonder so many men say they don’t feel loved in their relationships. Yet even if a woman says “I love you” at all the right times, she often fails to show her love in the little ways that mean so much more.
Pet me, please…
If we gave men half the petting and kissing and sweet talk we give our dogs, they would be happy indeed. Men need and deserve at least as much love and affection as our dogs do, if not more. A good back rub is a good back rub no matter who you are.
When Lynn’s dog, Rowdy, a big, black, dread-locked Puli she adores, comes up to her and nuzzles her hand, she stops whatever she is doing to pet him. If he rolls over on his back, she rubs his tummy and tells him he’s her baby. God forbid her partner interrupt her when she is at the computer or on the phone. She admits he would get a scowl, not a smile or a hug or even a peck on the cheek.
My sister lies down on the floor to rub her brown Labrador’s tummy while he thumps his tail and licks her face. Her husband looks on wistfully. “Why does Toby get all the affection?” he asks. She tells him not to be silly.
If you don’t believe physical touch makes a huge difference, even though scientists are proving that it lowers blood pressure, improves health, accelerates healing and ensures longlasting romance, try a little experiment. For one week, pretend your man is a dog you love. Touch him gently whenever possible. Kiss him. Make eye contact and hold his hand. Massage his shoulders if he’s tired. Rest your hand on his leg. Speak to him in an affectionate way instead of curtly or sarcastically. Make his favorite food (unless he’s a dog-cook, a rare breed indeed) and sit close to him at dinner. Your pretend dog will soon be as cuddly, friendly and devoted as your real dog. And soon you won’t be pretending at all.
We love our dogs for their constant devotion, but if we ignored them, scolded them and scorned them the way we often do our men, that devotion would disappear. We cannot take devotion for granted; we must earn it and deserve it.
I witnessed a glaring example of disrespect in the supermarket. A middle-aged woman surveying the tea selection tells her husband to find her a decent tea. He asks what kind she would like. “Never mind,” she sighs in the most exasperated voice. “Go get the guy who helped us last time. He’ll know what I want.” In one instant she has bossed him, scolded him and made him feel useless and stupid. And for what? His devotion in the face of such blatant dismissal of his worth is senseless.
What a good dog!
A dog-loving woman will praise her pet when he does the smallest thing: come when called, bring back the Frisbee, sit and roll over or simply put his head on her lap when he senses she is sad. She will talk to him in a sweet voice and give him a treat to let him know how pleased she is.
Do we give this kind of praise to our husbands and boyfriends? Rarely. Do we appreciate what they do for us? Maybe we do, but we don’t often show it.
Just as a dog wants to please his master, a man wants to please the woman he loves. Yet we fail to give praise, let alone treats, for all the big and little things our men do for us. After a while, they no longer want to do anything for us because they don’t feel appreciated. Not feeling appreciated goes both ways, of course, but what you give is usually what you get.
I remember one Saturday when I came home to find that my then-husband had rented a rug shampooer and steam-cleaned all the carpets. Then I saw that he had also steam-cleaned the pillows and sofas, leaving everything wet and, in my imagination, ruined forever. Instead of thanking him for his hard work, I went ballistic and accused him of destroying my precious pillows. They turned out to be just fine. It was I who had ruined something much more precious: an opportunity to be grateful and loving to a man who was trying to please me.
An ignored dog is a sad, frustrated dog. The same goes for a man. By criticizing instead of praising, you are saying that he is not good enough for you. How would you feel if your man were constantly commenting on the inadequacy of your hair, your clothing, your cooking, your intelligence or your work? You would probably defend yourself with a torrent of words, or leave. Men don’t respond with a torrent of words, but they do leave.