The ABCs of BDSM
Dama deNoche
This is an explicit and erotic novel
intended for the enjoyment
of adult readers. Please keep
out of the hands of children.
www.Phaze.com
The ABCs of BDSM
Copyright © 2012 by Dama deNoche
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Edited by Crystal Bright
Cover Art © 2012 by Niki Browning
First Edition January 2012
ISBN-13: 978-1-60659-648-7
Published by:
Phaze Books
An imprint of Mundania Press LLC
6457 Glenway Ave., #109
Cincinnati, OH 45211
All rights reserved under the International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher, Mundania Press LLC, 6457 Glenway Avenue, #109, Cincinnati, Ohio 45211, books@mundania.com.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.
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Introduction
A common theme throughout this book on the BDSM lifestyle is preparation. Performing acts within the Lifestyle and in play need to be done carefully and skillfully.
When you are talking about any of the subjects covered here, you are treading on actions and acts that have the potential to do both temporary and permanent harm to the one receiving them. In an extreme case it can cause death, depending on what has been done.
The ABCs of BDSM offers a safer way to approach a lifestyle that is filled with both eroticism and tension and risk.
For those within the Lifestyle, you hear the terms SSC, RACK, and now PRICK mentioned all the time. SSC stands for Safe, Sane, and Consensual. RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink. PRICK is Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink. Most of us fit under those three terms or terms like it somewhere, and the information offered in this book is an attempt to make play or starting play within the Lifestyle a bit safer for all.
The one thing that is important that is not covered by any set of initials or cute sayings is to use common sense. If something looks like it is not a good idea, then step back and take a second look at it. Many types of play under the BDSM umbrella may seem great as a fantasy, but when looked at in the light of reality becomes too dangerous to try.
What’s detailed in this reference guide is NOT the only way to do things, just a way that has been found to be safer and sane for me and mine, and others as well. This guide is meant to enlighten those curious about BDSM of the risks of their chosen behavior and play. Knowing the risks allows one to make informed decisions on actions that can change their lives forever if the worst case happens and they become injured.
This is a collection and description of the basic forms of play and relationships that BDSM people enjoy. BDSM is being used as an umbrella term to cover WIITWD (What It Is That We Do) and is not exclusive of any lifestyle.
It is recommended and encouraged that any type of play listed here be done only after the person giving the play has been given hands-on instructions by someone recognized and known in their Lifestyle community to have the skill level to teach others the techniques needed to do any of the disciplines safely.
People, this is where I say DO NOT DO THESE THINGS AT HOME ALONE FOR THE FIRST TIME. Get someone to teach you the safer way to do the acts you would like to try.
I am sure that as soon as this is published, someone will point out that I forgot one or another type of play. I do not claim to know every type of kink out there. This is just a primer or jumping off place for safer play for someone new or curious.
Everything we do within the BDSM lifestyle has the potential risk of doing both temporary damage and permanent damage to the body. Get a reputable teacher to show you hands-on one on one how to do these things.
How do you know if someone is reputable? You ask. Question your peers as to their skill level. Don’t just ask one person; ask several. A skilled teacher will have no problems giving you references.
Watch them in action. See how the one receiving the play acts and ask them later if they also see this person as skilled. If you are the Dominant half of the power exchange, ask a person from the other half of the power exchange to help you by learning from them and their reactions to the play.
Some of the best teachers of play actions are the ones you will be enjoying later when you have learned what it is you want to do.
Finally, HAVE FUN. Learning is important but so is enjoying what you are doing.
I have learned that I can advise people and warn people until I am blue in the face. My hope is that this book will be a starting place for someone seeking knowledge to ask the next question and acquiring the right answer.
One last thing: I am going to use generic terms when speaking about bodies, actions, and reactions. I cannot take the space to make sure that I list every person’s sexual identity or sexual preference in each sentence. Please put yourself or your partner in the place where you fit in whatever gender identity you have. I am not excluding anyone from this list simply because I have not mentioned them specifically.
Before you play with anyone you do not know well, look at the end of this guide and use the safety questions listed there so you know the risks you may encounter. Check out the health questions and have a minimal first aid kit as accidents do happen. That is why they are called accidents. If you are prepared for them, they are less traumatic for everyone.
Last, but not least, get CPR certified. It does not cost much and may save a life some day.
BDSM Common Terms and Definitions
Abrasion:
A type of play where an object that has texture is applied with various pressures to the body. It may be as soft as fur or as rough as sandpaper.
The abrasive material may be used by hand on the body or it may be attached to clothing, implements, bondage objects or other ways of coming in contact with the skin.
Skin can and will be opened if the abrasion goes on too long. Skin that has been broken needs to have first aid after the sensations are finished as the skin is the first line of defense against infection.
Aftercare:
Aftercare is what finishes a good scene off and in many cases makes the scene “good” or “bad.” Aftercare is very individual between people but basically is the time that both submissive and Dominant need to have to be able to face reality.
BDSM can strip a person of the emotional defenses they build to cope with life. Time, attention, and care are needed to build those defenses back up. The best way to do that is to have close contact with the person you have been playing with when the scene is done.
It is also useful to have a soft blanket and something to drink (cool, not cold) and eat (preferably foods containing high fructose and/or proteins) since physical stress can also be a significant issue).
The submissive is not the only one vulnerable right now. The Dominant may be looking at what they did and wondering about their sanity (I did those things to you. I must be sick to have enjoyed that).
The care that is given each other is important and is also part of the glue that bonds a sub to their Dominant and vice versa.
Aftercare is essential and a central part of the scene itself as a “good scene” doesn’t end until both parties are able to function on a basic level.
The aftercare given to the Dominant may come several days later at a time when both submissive and Dominant can talk coherently.
Unless the pair are living together or see each other on a daily basis, a phone call from the Dominant to the submissive is an integral part of aftercare and allows each time to evaluate what went on, and they are able to communicate about what they both feel.
Aftercare is very individual and it is a good idea to ask your play partner what type of care they need before the play starts. Some people just need to be left alone to process the stimulation they have just received.
Age Play:
This is a type of role play that involves the one person pretending or taking on the characteristics of a human at a certain age. They enter into a relationship dynamic that includes the other partner being the adult in the relationship. Common roles are Daddy/boy-girl, Mommy/infant-toddler, teacher/pupil and any other type role that has an age difference involved.
You may also hear age play people call themselves “littles” to mean that they become a little person (age-wise) while they are playing with their partner. This may bring images of incest, but most age play does not revolve around the sex act. Most in the relationship prefer to have sex separate from the age role play.
If the people involved are having sex with each other as part of their age play role, do not assume that that means the one controlling the other is a closet pedophile. It simply may mean they like playing with taboo subjects.
Anal Beads:
Anal beads are round beads attached to each other with a ring on one end and are intended to insert into the anus. The ring at the end of a string of anal beads aids in removing it from the anus.
When using anal beads, check them each time to be sure the cord attaching the beads to each other is in good condition and that the beads do not have rough edges.
If the one having the toy inserted is saying it hurts too much, stop and check for the ability of the body to stretch that much. This area can open up to a fairly large diameter, but it must be taught to accommodate something big over time.
Anal Hook:
This is a metal hook that is designed to be inserted into the anus. One end is rounded and the other has a ring so that the hook can be attached to something by a rope or chain and the hook lifted causing the person to struggle to stay on their toes.
Care must be taken to protect the person from losing their balance and falling as that would result in the hook tearing and harming the anus and intestines. It can also be inserted into the vagina, but the design of the hook is such that it is not easy to use in that way.
A large amount of water based lubricant is needed for safety as well as making sure the hook has been cleaned properly before each use.
Anal Play:
Anal Play needs to be approached carefully as it pushes many cultural and emotional buttons for both the one who gives the attention and the one who receives it.
Anal Play is very sexual and it also encompasses a lot of taboos. For men, it can bring feelings of being homosexual. In receiving anal play, a man may feel humiliated and submissive.
For women to receive it, she may be in the role or feel submissive as well, and to be the one to give anal play, she may feel very dominating.
The first consideration should be one of health. The skin inside the anus is very fragile, and because of that, small tears in the skin are unavoidable.
When the anal sex involves a penis, the same safety needs are there. A dry penis can cause small tears in the skin through friction. It can also damage the sphincters in the same way as a toy.
One good rule to follow is there can never be too much lubrication. Also if an insertable toy is used, covering it with a condom makes cleaning it much easier.
Another rule to remember is that you need to be able to remove the object you have inserted into the ass. That means that something must always stick out of the rectum so that the object can be removed. It is true that in time most objects will be expelled on their own, but that can be a longer and more painful process, and more emotionally draining as well.
Also use condoms for physical anal sex as Sexually Transmitted Diseases, or STDs, can be passed easily in this kind of activity. If the anal play is kept between two monogamous partners, then the condom can be eliminated as there is less of a health risk under those circumstances.
If prolonged play is expected or fisting, it is best to use enemas until clear for the safety of the one receiving the play. That can be the start of a satisfying scene (for tips on enemas see below).
It is a good idea to visit a farm supply store and get LONG sterile gloves to protect both you and your partner.
If you, as a woman, have longer nails, take cotton balls and place them around and under your nails to protect your fingers and to protect your partner as well from tearing the gloves you are using for protection.
The porn videos that show a man or woman shoving their hand in and out of the anus very quickly and hard is a great fantasy, but what it means is the anal sphincter is now destroyed and the person receiving will need diapers and may be incontinent for the rest of his or her life. Any fisting needs to be done slowly.
Also, it is not a bad idea to use anal plugs to gently stretch the sphincter and get it used to opening up more than normal. If a strap-on is being used, again remember to enter and leave gently as “rough” may be a great fantasy but has the potential for serious damage to the area.
It is a good idea to cover the dildo used with a condom for ease of cleaning after insertion.
Some submissives enjoy treating a female Dominant’s strap-on as if it were a real penis. If they are going to simulate oral sex with a strap-on it needs to be washed carefully and then rinsed with clear water to remove the taste of the soap. The submissive then can treat the dildo as if it were a live penis and simulate oral sex.
After being used in that manner the submissive needs to wash the dildo with soap and water to remove the saliva. It then needs to be made as sterile as possible to avoid contaminating the next person to use this toy. For directions on safe cleaning see the first aid section at the end of the book.
Anal training is often mentioned and appears to be a fetish of its own for many people. What it basically means is the one being trained is taught how to enjoy and accommodate what the giver wants in the way of anal play. The typical way of doing this is to have the receiver accept gradually a larger and larger dildo, plug or whatever the giver desires.
It takes time and is a way of training the anal sphincter to relax and stretch more and more. Once the body is used to a larger object being slowly slid into the ass, the person receiving can enjoy the sensations more with less pain and stress.
Another type of anal play is brown showers. That topic is covered on its own.
Lastly there is a kind of play called Ass Worship or Rimming. Rimming is the oral stimulation of a person’s anus with the tongue. For safety tips on that, see Rimming.
Animal Role Play:
Puppy, kitten, pony, or any other animal comes under this heading. The one partner agrees to some extent to take on the characteristics of the animal they are to represent and then expect to be treated in a way that the animal could expect.
It is not uncommon to have the person restricted to vocal expressions that the animal would use and human speech not allowed.
It is common for pony play to involve elaborate costumes and prescribed ways of walking or running that mimics a pony in action.
The ones who are the pony or horse can be expected to carry a human as well as pull a cart, or some sort of copying the actions of the animal they choose to become.
Asphyxiation: (see Breath Play)
Auction:
This involves putting a person in the role of being sold to someone else for a stated section of time and for a predetermined action or set of actions. Care must be taken that what the person being sold has agreed to do is very clearly stated.
Also care must be taken to follow the letter of the local and federal laws as truly “selling” someone is considered totally illegal.
This is often a way of raising money for a charity or to raise funds for a group. Both the seller, the one being sold, and the one buying the one sold need to clearly communicate the boundaries and expectations of each before the action is taken.
Bastinado:
This is a form of play where the bottoms of the feet are hit with an implement, usually a cane. This can also be done with a crop or a small paddle. Anything that is small enough to control to hit only the bottom of the feet can be used.
The pain level can be intense and care needs to be taken to not harm any of the toes or break any of the smaller bones in the feet. The tendons can also be harmed if they are hit hard enough.
Bestiality:
This play involves a human having sexual relations with an animal. It is highly illegal and not usually done openly because of that.
The most common type is human/dog interaction. The danger of this is that the human and the dog can be physically harmed during the sex act even if they are trying to be careful and safe.
This is NOT recommended play for several reasons. Physical harm is not unusual when an animal is involved in a scene. Also this has very specific laws written against it and it is prosecuted vigorously when discovered.
The other problem raised is that this lifestyle is based on consent of both parties. An animal cannot consent to the actions that in which it is being involved. It is NOT recommended that this type of play be entered into due to ethical, moral, and legal reasons.
However, if this is something that you are interested in there are several safety facts to remember. One is that an animal does not understand the word “no” when it comes to sex. Once the animal is aroused and taking part in the sex they will not stop and slow down.
You also need to be sure that the animal’s sex organ is going to fit into whatever opening is going to be used. Another concern is the animal’s legs or paws doing damage to the human’s skin that is involved in the sex act. Covering the human’s body with a blanket is one way to protect the body.
If the animal involved is a dog they may bite the person they are interacting with and so it is not uncommon to have their mouth muzzled.
Blindfolds:
Anything that removes the ability of the submissive to see what is going on around them. They can be made out of any material that obstructs vision.
A blindfold should not put long term pressure on the eyeballs to avoid eye damage. If heavy, long-term blindfolding is wanted, there are blindfolds that are designed to restrict light without putting any pressure on the eyeballs.
When they are removed, remember to do so in low light or block the light with a body or something else as after time the eye will adjust. Any sudden bright light will be blinding and physically painful.
Blood Play: (see Play Piercing, Needle Play, Cutting, Knife Play)
This involves different forms of play that results in playing with or in blood on a body. It can involve needle play in that the person’s blood drips out of the hub of the needle onto their body. It can be blood that is smeared over the body. It can be as a result of a cutting or any combination of play with cutting involved such as fire cupping and blood play.
Fire cupping is where small incisions are made on the skin then a fire cup is put over the cut and the person has their blood sucked into the fire cup by the suction developed by the cupping. There are as many different ways to play in and with blood as there are people interested in it.
The main safety concern is that disease is passed through blood including HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis B as well as many others.
If the two involved in blood play are fluid bonded then this is not an issue. If they are not they need to take the same precautions that are taken when any kind of play involves diseases.
Clean latex or Nitrile gloves need to be worn to protect the one from the blood of the other. If they are playing on dungeon furniture it is a good idea to cover it with a drop cloth to protect the furniture from any unplanned splashing or dropping of blood. The floor should be covered with a drop cloth as well, as blood is hard to clean out of both carpet and off wood unless it is sealed with something like gym coat floor finish.
Body Modification:
This is an area that includes many different parts of the body as well as many different techniques. It can be as simple as a piercing to as elaborate as corset training where the waist of the person is modified down to a measurement that is more slender than is natural for the body.
Cuttings (see Cutting) and scarring (see Scarring) are also types of body modification. Tattoos are also a type of body modifications as the ink is permanent unless removed by dermobrasion or laser removal, both of which result in scaring as well.
Some more extreme types of body modification include splitting the penis and removal of the testicles. With any modification like this, the risks of infection of the area being modified where piercing or cutting is involved is high.
Corset training also results in the internal organs being shifted and chronic shortness of breath due to the lungs being restricted.
Another not so well recognized side effect that is a type of body modification is the wearing of high heels for extended periods of time. The Achilles tendon can become shortened over time if the person wearing the heels does not deliberately stand with their feet flat, giving the tendon the ability to stretch. In time, if high heels are worn constantly, the person will no longer be able to stand flat footed without pain.
Body Fluid Bonding: (see Fluid Bonding)
Also called fluid bonded, the people involved in the relationship are exclusive to each other sexually. They do not have sex with anyone else and in doing so do not risk sexually transmitting diseases.
Body Worship:
Body Worship covers both oral and tactile contact with the body. It can include massage as well as using the tongue on the body.
Foot massage is a common form of body worship. Many male submissives think of body worship as oral stimulation (oral sex) of the female body. It is also oral sex offered to the male’s penis as well.
Rimming (analingus) is also a form of body worship. Most see body worship as giving sexual pleasure to another person through physical contact with their body but not penetration.
There are chairs built for the woman to sit on that allows the male or female submissive access to the genitals for long term oral worship called Queening Chairs (See Oral Sex).
Bondage:
This involves restraining someone in a manner that restricts their movements or their freedom to resist. When restricting a person’s ability to move, care must be taken to allow for communication in case a problem develops during the time the bondage is being enjoyed.
The safest materials to use to bind someone up or down are well crafted leather restraints. Second to that is soft 100% cotton rope or parachute cord (from military surplus). Down the list are nylon rope, hemp, sisal, and finally metal or plastic restraints.
When using bondage you need to remember that shoulder joints were NOT designed to bear the total body weight. The hip joints are tougher but also are not designed to hold the entire body for long periods of time.
If suspension is wanted or needed, invest in climber’s harness or parachute harness. The difference is a climber’s harness can be used for longer periods of time as the straps are around the thighs not in the groin area allowing for greater comfort and safety. You can also learn how to create elaborate rope bondage that is used specifically for suspension. These techniques are best learned from instructors, called riggers, who are people who specialize in rope mixed with suspension.
Do not put pressure on joints as they are not heavily padded with muscle. Wrists, elbows, shoulders, and knees have nerves and blood vessels close to the surface, and pressure on them can result in permanent damage.
Make sure you can remove the bondage quickly if an emergency develops. That means have heavy duty EMT (emergency medical technician) scissors and or bolt cutters readily available. A better way is to use panic snaps (available at tack shops) to attach the bondage to any immovable object.
You must remember that panic snaps are not designed for suspension but are exactly what is needed for bondage that has a person supporting their weight on their feet or on a piece of furniture. That eliminates the possibility of having to cut through expensive leather restraints to get a submissive down from whatever they are tied to quickly.
If you are going to use wire ties or metal cuffs and restraints, it is a good idea to use cloth or something else soft to pad the joints to help prevent cuts and bruising to the skin.
A submissive can often not tell (due to subspace) if the bondage has gotten too tight. It is up to the Dominant to check for the condition of the limbs restrained. Hands, fingers, toes, feet will first start to “tingle” then go numb. They will become cold and or discolored.
Limbs can be without any circulation for up to thirty minutes with no residual damage done, but if that happens when the bondage is released, the one bound will be in severe pain as a result of the blood coming back into the areas that had been restrained.
Long term bondage is very erotic for both parties. The biggest safety issues are tissue perfusion, and hydration. If a submissive is bound standing for long periods of time there is danger of anoxia (lack of oxygen) to the arms and hands. Long term bondage is safer when done with the sub lying down or supported by some kind of bondage furniture.
If the bondage is for several hours care must be given to check the extremities as fluid may collect in them causing swelling due to position and fluids flowing down and finding it hard to be pumped back to the rest of the body because of the restrictions of movement.
Breast bondage is easier on someone who has larger breasts, but can be done even on small breasts. For smaller breasts, have the woman bend over at the waist to start allowing her breasts to hang free. You then take one end of twine, rope, leather thong, whatever you want, and make a figure-eight around the breasts.
With larger breasts it is possible to do the same thing standing up. The twine can then be tightened and more layers added. Care must be taken in how long the breasts are bound.
Any bondage of this sort cuts off circulation, and over time oxygen deprivation kills the individual cells. Thirty to sixty minutes is a safe ballpark if the bondage is not severe. If it is very tight then only thirty minutes is a good idea.
Bed bondage is erotic and one of the safer kinds of bondage. Even this has potential for permanent damage to the body. If the arms are spread out and tied too tightly for too long a time, the elbows can become damaged. This usually happens when the bondage is very tight and left on for several hours. The elbows can become hyper extended (bent too far back) and joint damage is done.
It is safest to allow some slack in the bondage material so that the arms and legs can move a little. Remember if a sub is tied so that movement is impossible for too long the muscles can cramp when allowed to move unrestricted (when the bondage is removed).
When the bondage is removed, encourage the sub to move slowly and do gentle stretching exercises to warm the muscles.
Cock and ball bondage can cause permanent damage if left on too long. Local swelling of the bound area can over time cause bondage that is comfortable become too tight and anything but erotic.
If you want to get creative you can use ACE wrap, vet wrap, Saran Wrap, shrink wrap, or pallet wrap.
Chair bondage (ladders too) can be fun for both and intense. You must remember that like any kind of bondage, care must be taken on the pressures exerted on the joints even when tied in a sitting position.
If you are going to tie arms to the chair arms remember that wrist joints are vulnerable. Pad them with ace wrap or, even better, cuff the wrist with well made leather cuffs then tie the cuff tightly to the arm of the chair. It is also a good idea to tie the submissive’s feet off the floor for two reasons. First is it erotic for both of you, and second it is a safety measure in that with their feet off the floor the sub has less of a chance of rocking the chair and falling over onto the floor. With their feet off the floor they have a harder time getting the leverage needed to do that.
Sitting in a chair for a long time can cause physical damage. The blood will pool in the feet and calves and buttocks and underlying tissue damage can occur as well as blood clots. It is recommended that a chair be used for not longer than three to four hours for bondage.
A different type of bondage is hogtie bondage. We have all seen the cowboys tie a calf in the “hogtie” position, but we are working with human beings here and we have arms and legs, not four legs involved. Because of that, there are specific risks that involve putting a human into hogtie bondage.
It is possible to use one length of rope to tie wrists and ankles together, but it is much easier and safer to tie wrists together, ankles together and then join them together with a short rope or double ended snap for easy quick release.
NEVER leave someone hogtied on their chest for long periods of time. This position compresses the chest in the first place, and if the sub is not in top physical condition or is a little overweight, the abdomen will also compress the lungs causing breathing difficulties that can lead to death.
There have been instances of someone (usually someone arrested) who was hogtied on their chest for five to ten minutes dying of respiratory damage up to three days after the incident. The fact that the adrenalin was flowing and excitement was high had to do with how long it took for the effects to render itself.
It is much safer to do a hogtie and then roll the sub onto their side to leave them for any length of time, or tie them with their hands and feet together while they are on their backs.
There is a subset of bondage called Predicament Bondage. The idea for this is to put the person in bondage in such a way that they have to choose their own pain. They have a minimum of two body parts that are in bondage that cause pain. Each of the areas of bondage can cause pain but not both at the same time. The person is able to move enough to relieve the pain sensation on one of the two bondage areas, but in moving the other area of bondage becomes more painful.
The last kind of bondage I will mention is Mental Bondage. This is where the one creating the bondage puts the one receiving into a position and orders them to stay still and not move using the mind to apply the bondage. The struggle to keep still and obey when the desire to move is the challenge of mental bondage.
Boot Blacking: (Boot Black)
This is the care and application of polish to any leather that can be polished. It is done by a person who either identifies as a bootblack or who has been trained to maintain leather by polishing it and making sure it is in the best condition possible. It is an area that combines eroticism with service.
The bootblack is usually someone who loves leather and loves cleaning and maintaining leather. They identify as a bootblack and strive to be able to put a spit shine polish on boots or any other leather that needs it.
The bootblacks have identifiable groups that they can belong to and have local and national contests to showcase their skill.
Being a bootblack started in the Victorian era when a personal valet took great pride in maintaining his employer’s foot wear.
There were also men whose profession was to shine shoes and they became known as boot blacks. Up to about twenty years ago, there would be boot black stations in most train stations and in some bus stations where a man could get his shoes shined before or after his travels. There are a few such places still in existence today but they have become rare.
The bootblacks you see at kinky events have taken that form of service and raised it to a higher level of erotic service that is enjoyable to both the bootblack and the one receiving the service.
Boot Worship: (Also see Shoe Worship)
This involves the physical worship of the footwear the Dominant wears. It may be a leather boot or a set of high heels. It is a way for the submissive to show their submission to the Dominant by bending down and at a minimum putting their lips on the top of the boot or shoe.
Other such rituals may be part of a relationship. Some worship involves licking the footwear as well. It reinforces the emotional and physical difference of power between the two.
Brat:
This is a term that can be used as a term of affection or derision depending on who is using the term and how it is used.
The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary says a brat is: an ill-mannered annoying child or an ill-mannered immature person. That is the common use for the term “brat.”
The term is usually used as a label for a female submissive that is independent and vocal. One who is controlling the relationship from the submissive position instead of the dominant doing the controlling.
Male submissives rarely are brats unless they also identify as a “little.”
However, there is another use and that has come to mean a submissive, usually female, that has spirit and is able to be verbally aggressive in many situations. Someone who has the ability and drive to be independent and quick witted. They have a healthy sense of humor and are not afraid to be open and verbal about their feelings and have a quick comment on what is going on around them. They are enjoyed by their Dominant and are under control of the Dominant who enjoys their spirit.
Breath Control or Breath Play:
This involves some sort of restriction of the ability of someone to get air into the lungs. It can be as simple as a hand over the mouth up to elaborate gags and hoods and bags over the head.
This is a very controversial subject and type of play. Many proponents within the Lifestyle say it can be done often and safely. Many opponents say that it is much too dangerous to even try.
A spin off this kind of play is putting pressure on the carotid arteries to cause the person to momentarily pass out. This is also very controversial in that many say it is done often with no danger and others say it risks stroke every time it is done.
I will list some of the dangers and say that I am not in favor of this kind of play, BUT if you wish to do it, have both partners aware of the dangers and do it in a way that lessens the dangers as well. I recommend that if you involve yourself in breath play that the one depriving the other of air be CPR certified at a minimum.
One of the dangers is that depriving the brain of oxygen causes brain cells to die. Once the brain cell dies, it cannot be regenerated. In the past few years, medical professionals have speculated that the brain can, to some extent, regenerate brain cells allowing normal function to continue even after damage has been done to the cells.
When applying pressure to the carotid arteries, blood clots have the potential to be released. As they circulate through the system they can become lodged in a blood vessel and cause a blockage of flow of blood to an area of the brain or heart causing a stroke or heart attack.
The bottom line is that anyone doing this kind of play has to weigh in an informed way the dangers and then make a conscious choice as to how much erotic play of this sort they are comfortable pushing. The problem with this type of play is that an accident has the potential of killing someone easier than most of the other play that is common.
There will be many who say that actions of this sort are done commonly in martial art sporting events and that is true. The people involved in martial arts overall are young, healthy and in good physical shape. The average person who engages in breath play may not be in the same top physical condition.
I am not saying do not do this kind of activity. I am simply saying know the dangers and be prepared for the consequences if things have a bad outcome.
Brown Showers: (Scat)
These are actions that involve playing with feces or bowel movements. It can be called Scat as well. It can involve eating it, being defecated (shit) onto, or having it spread on the body as well as anything else a person can imagine.
The actions are sometimes called being a human toilet. As long as the person giving the brown shower is basically healthy this can be done with some safety as long as eating the feces is kept to a minimum. Also the person ingesting the feces needs to drink a lot of fluids for the next twenty-four hours to assist the body in flushing the material out of their system.
Feces are waste materials that the body is eliminating, and often holds bacteria that can cause an infection if introduced to another host. People have the ability to carry disease and not become ill from it themselves but when someone else comes in contact with the infection agency they can become ill from it.
This is also an area that is considered taboo in many cultures and becoming involved in it is a form of humiliation play. Being forced or told to play or eat or become involved in the waste material of someone else is considered demeaning or humiliating by most people. That is where the kink humiliation comes into play.
Bukkake:
This is the act of having several men ejaculate onto a man or a woman. The men can do this all at once or by taking turns. It is a common theme in pornographic videos both gay and heterosexual.
It has its origin in Japan in the mid 1980’s, and when women are involved, the woman rarely is brought to orgasm. A common theme of the videos or action is one of humiliation.
Butler Service:
A butler is traditionally the person that runs or manages the household of their employer or in this area of lifestyle it is their Owner or Dominant instead of employer. It is their job to make sure everything happens smoothly and that their owner or Dominant’s life is easier.
Their responsibilities include household duties, scheduling, or keeping track of the owner’s daily events or meetings, keeping of household maintenance records and needs. They keep track of food supplies and food likes and dislikes including allergies.
They are required to keep track of the needs of the guests in the house and keep records of those details so that when the guest returns they know what will be required to make the stay special. They also need to know what the local entertainment venues are and what is available each week for their owner’s enjoyment as well as what is available for the visitors to do each week.
They keep a list of people that are used to maintain the property and household such as plumber or electrician. They are in charge of planning formal dinners or parties for the Master or Owner so that all the Master/Owner has to do is give him the guest list and what kind of dinner and the butler plans invites the guests and runs the dinner.
Traditionally they are the top of the food chain for the servant class. This ties into domestic service and is a way to make the Owner or Dominant’s life easier.
Cages:
Cages are objects that can be made out of metal, wood, stone or masonry, or concrete or a mixture of those. They can be custom made or bought at pet supply stores. These can be used for short or long-term confinement.
They can be on the floor or they can be designed to be hoisted into the air. Sometimes the ones hoisted into the air have chain sides and once hoisted the sides close against the person becoming bondage as well as confinement.
The idea of cages is to keep a person confined but still visible. Many submissives have a desire to be confined and treated like a slave, and using a cage is one way of accomplishing this fantasy. They also are confined and cannot get away from certain types of sensations. They can be combined with electrical play such as a Tens unit.
Caning:
There are many different materials that are made into canes. They can be put in two groups: natural and manmade materials.
Natural materials are usually bamboo, rattan, wood, and some branches (such as birch).
Manmade canes can be Lucite, metal (not recommended), graphite, Teflon, and on and on, using virtually anything that will hold a long thin shape.
The advantage to manmade materials is they can be used on multiple partners as they can be chemically cleaned or if small enough actually sterilized. Depending on the material most are sturdier than natural canes.
Canes of natural material have a higher incidence of breaking while being used. Bamboo and rattan splinter easily if not soaked in oil adequately. Switches (bundles of canes) can break as well.
When using a cane on a body the joints and the spine need to be avoided as well as the kidneys or other internal organs. The user of a cane needs to remember that it is possible to “wrap” a cane even if it looks like it doesn’t bend much.
Be aware of where the tip of the cane will land as the force of the blow will be stronger at the tip. A cane can be sensual when uses against the genitals but for a male, care has to be used to not break the blood vessels in the penis as that can cause permanent damage. The result is that the penis will not fill in an even manner and it will become erect and bend to one side or the other.
On a female, the breasts can be caned. Again, care should be used, and the breast needs to be supported if heavy force is to be used as the breast has the potential to be detached from the chest wall.
Skin can be cut with a thin cane when it is stretched tightly over muscle such as when someone bends over or is bound tightly. If that happens even when the cane is cleaned small amounts of tissue can remain on the cane. So unless it is made of manmade non-porous materials and is cleaned with Clorox, Cavicide, or some other chemical, the cane should now belong to the sub. The problem with cleaning a natural cane is that it absorbs some of the chemicals and that breaks down the cane much more quickly over time.
If you cross cane welts over each other where the two welts cross the second strike has a double chance of breaking the skin. Again if a cane has blood on it the safest way to react is to give the cane to the submissive as their personal toy.
The common assumption of caning is the visual of someone swinging the cane full arm swing and connecting with the body. That can be done after the body is well “warmed up,” but other ways are to give fast light taps against the skin in a bouncing motion. Or light taps followed with a harder strike. There are as many caning styles as there are canes.
Captivity:
Usually involves role play of some sort. The evil pirate captures the helpless princess or the Amazon queen captures the lost soldier. They then keep the captive to do with what they desire.
The people involved in the role play should have already negotiated what is and is not allowed and the play goes from there.
Care/Storage of Toys:
When you invest money, time and effort in buying or making toys, one important thing that needs to be remembered is how to care for and store the objects that you are using on your play partner(s).
For things like floggers, there are bags that are custom made to hold them to keep the falls from getting tangled and bent. They are made of fabric and often have ties that enable you to hang the flogger and keep the falls straight. The falls also will not become tangled in any toy bag.
You can also do the same thing using a tube sock and a rubber band. Cut the toe end of the tube sock off and slip the flogger into the sock handle first. Take the rubber band and use it to hold the sock against the end of the handle to keep it on the flogger.
Single-tails are often hung straight or coiled up and placed in a bag for storage. Canes and crops are often stored in either a heavy duty cardboard shipping tube or a fly fishing case.
There are also many ways to carry the implements that are used for play. You can use a duffle bag or anything that is long enough to hold the largest toy you have.
There are companies that sell gun cases that have been altered to hold toys effectively. You can also just buy a gun case and put your toys in there for both storage and transport.
As for cleaning the toys, you need to know what the toy is made of to clean it safely. The cleaning supplies need to be something that can kill bacteria and viruses to be ideal. You need to know what the cleaner will do the composition of the implement before you apply it so that it will not contribute to the breakdown of the toy.
Some toys cannot be cleaned as they are a one-time use toy such as needles or condoms. Other toys can be cleaned but are safer to be one person use such as dildos, plugs—both anal and vaginal—and anal beads. These should be cleaned with antibacterial soap and water, soaked in bleach water and then sprayed with Cavicide, which needs to be left on for a minimum of three minutes. Then rinse the toy off with bleach water to remove the Cavicide.
Other toys are easy to clean using something as simple as alcohol or bleach that is either by itself or mixed with water.
Sounds need to be sterilized between each use and the easiest way to do that is to put them in a big pan and bring the water to boiling and leave it there for ten minutes at a rolling boil. They then need to be stored in as clean a container as soon as possible.
You can bake fabric that is to hold the sounds in a low temperature oven, carefully, to make it as clean or near sterile as possible. Before you bake the fabric you need to check on the degree of heat that will cause the fabric to burn and make sure there is no plastic, leather or imitation leather involved in the fabric or case. One of the better fabrics to use for this is 100% cotton as it will not burn easily. You can also clean the fabric by spraying it with Cavicide and letting it air dry. You can also store them in a metal or porcelain-lined container that has a tight fitting lid and that you sterilize by boiling them in water for ten minutes.
Use tongs that have had the tong portion sterilized as well. Pick up the sterile container and place it flat on a clean surface then put the sterile sounds in the container then close the lid. That will give you as sterile as environment as possible.
If you use a LOT of sounds or insertables, you can buy a small autoclave and literally sterilize anything that will not melt under the high heat and pressure of the autoclave.
Cavicide is a cleaner that is effective against many things and is designed for non-porous surfaces and will kill bacteria as well as MRSA, VRE, fungus, Hep B, Hep C, TB, viruses that are water-based as well as fat-based, herpes, HIV, SARS, Staphylococcus Aureus, Pseudomonas, salmonella, and the flu. The minimum time that this needs to be left on the toy is two minutes, and it is much more effective if it is left on for three minutes.
Toys such as floggers and single-tail whips that are made out of leather are harder to clean between uses with different people.
Single-tails can have the popper removed and use as a single use with one person at a time. A light spray of Cavicide on the leather and then the leather being allowed to dry will make the use of leather toys safer between multiple people. Once the leather is dry, it can be conditioned with Pecard (the most popular), Lexol, or Huberd brands. They can all be used to recondition or condition leather that has been sanitized.
Any leather conditioner must be applied with a light hand as too much will make the leather become sticky and it will then collect dust.
Many people do not clean the leather between uses at all. They simply let the leather hang open to the air overnight. There is no right way to make sure leather is sanitized between uses.
Some have used ultraviolet light to sanitize. Hep C cannot be killed by ultraviolet light. One side effect of ultraviolet light being used is minor color change of the toy being sanitized. For me, more research is needed to be sure ultraviolet light is effective.
Cleaning different kinds of leather is done in different ways. After the sanitizing has been done, each type of leather needs to be treated individually.
Patent leather can be wiped down with a damp cloth then dried with a clean soft cloth. Suede needs to have the nap, or the rough side, conditioned as the leather can become matted and hard. Take suede cleaner and spray the falls lightly and let dry. Then take a suede brush and brushing gently with the nap. Raise the nap again and restore the suede to its original roughness.
Leather that has been tanned and finished can be cleaned by using the cleaners already mentioned, and the tanned side can be lightly buffed to restore the smooth finish.
Castration:
This is a common male submissive fantasy that involves having the testicles removed with the submissive believing that the act of removing them results in a more submissive nature.
The problem with this fantasy is that accomplishing it involves the participants in many illegal acts unless the one removing the testicles is a doctor who has surgical training. Even then, there are problems doing surgery in an unapproved place and so on. This is one act that is best left as a fantasy.
There have been men who have done this and as a result they are in jail for performing illegal surgery. Castration can also be done by tying off the testicles tightly enough to cut off all circulation to the testicles causing them to die and in theory fall off. The truth is that when they die they then can cause an infection and that quickly spreads to the rest of the body, which causes a life-threatening illness called sepsis.
These are only two examples of why this is best left to fantasy.
Catharsis:
This is a condition, according to the same aforementioned online dictionary, that involves “the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, the discharge of pent-up emotions so as to result in the alleviation of symptoms or permanent relief of the condition.”
This can be accomplished through pain or sensation or anything that allows a person to reach into themselves and release emotional tension. It also allows a person to get in touch with emotions that they have kept buried for many reasons and have not been able to release without an outside influence or trigger. These feelings can be anger, emotional pain, fear, or anything else that is causing emotional tension or distress.
The most common trigger is the application of pain. It takes a person to the point of being pushed to release both endorphins and emotions that result in catharsis. The cleansing of emotions also is a form of catharsis.
Catheter: (Catheterization)
Catheters are a medical device inserted into the urethra to cause the urine in the bladder to flow out through a tube. They are easy to use on men but for women it is a bit more difficult as the catheter can be inserted into the vagina by mistake.
Catheter insertion kits can be bought at medical supply stores or online through kinky web sites. This is a procedure that needs to be taught hands-on so that the one doing the catheterization knows what they are doing.
When inserting a catheter, clean technique needs to be observed as the tube slides through the urethra into the bladder and this can introduce germs into a clean area of the body.
There are two kinds of catheter kits. One is designed to stay in for up to three days and the other is a one-time short-use kit.
The one-time short-use kit has in it all the supplies needed including a catheter with a bag attached to hold the urine with a maximum capacity of 1000 cc of urine.
The longer term kit has all the supplies in it that is needed including a big bag attached to the catheter that can hold a maximum of around 2000 cc of urine. The bags should never be filled beyond maximum capacity as that will cause the bladder to fill and eventually cause severe pain, stretching of the bladder walls, and urine backing up into the kidneys, all of which would cause medical emergencies.