When I was 17
Sebastian Kohonen
Copyright Sebastian Kohonen 2012
Published at Smashwords
* * *
I was 17 years old, and it was Friday night. Just like very other Friday night for the last few years, I was determined to get out, get drunk, maybe get high, and have a good time. But not like every other night, it had been escalating since I started this pattern back at 15 years old.
It was an art now. I had it down, and so did my friends. We’d go out a few nights a week, but Friday and Saturday were always bigger. Most of my friends and I could go out when we wanted, but most other kids couldn’t get out except on weekend. That made the weekends a big deal, more kids meant bigger parties, more girls, more drugs, more fun.
As school was letting out, I wasn’t really happy with the plan. But I was happy I had a plan, because it had been a really bad week. I’d been saving up for three months for a haircut I wanted. Bleached, dyed, black streak, blond, and red. Getting real color from a good salon wasn’t cheap, but I’d found a place that was decent that could get it done, exactly like I wanted, for $70.
I’d been talking about it to my parents and friends for months, all while saving up for it. No one seemed to care, but it was a big deal to me. No one cared, until I did it. When I got home, my mother had told me I wouldn’t be moving with them this weekend. I don’t know how serious she was, but she told me if I didn’t get my hair dyed back to my natural color, I wouldn’t be able to move with them to the new place. She was going to be the apartment manager, and she had to set and example, and the property owners wouldn’t look at her the right way if she had a son that looked like me.
I couldn’t believe she was serious. Who throws their kid out on the street? But she was angry. And she was making her threat as serious as she could. My dad stayed out of it, and that really pissed me off. I hated my mom, but I loved my dad, and now I was mad at him to for not standing up for me. So, if that was going to be the threat, I wasn’t going to come home this weekend. They were going to move, and I wasn’t going to go, wasn’t invited, and sure wasn’t going to be around to help them move.
So, I wanted a real, solid plan for the weekend. But I only had a rough idea what we were doing, and I was hoping for more. But it would work, I thought, it was enough.
Mark had talked his friend Beth into driving. Which meant Kristy would be there, she was always with Beth. And Kristy was hot. Beth had an old Volkswagen van, like the weird old hippy type. It really sucked. But, it was big enough for a bunch of us to go out, and we had a few parties to check out. If one sucked, we could just go to another. At least it was a plan.
* * *
I left the house, my best tight jeans on, my favorite T-shirt, and a backpack full of underware, socks, and all the clothes I liked best stuffed inside. Beth pulled up, and I didn’t even say goodbye to my parents. What was the point? I just ran out to the van, jumped in, and we left.
As I layed on the floor in the back, I moved myself up to sit near the passenger seat in front where Kristy was. I wanted to talk to her, and she passed me a bottle of Jack, and I took a huge drink. I wanted to get fucked up. I wanted to just have fun. Hell, I took a huge drink to impress Kristy.
We went to this house, kind of strange because I’d been to most of the houses where kids actually had parties in my part of town, but I’d never been to this one. It was ok, at first, but it started to fill up with jocks. Not that I have a problem with them, I was 6’2” and spent most of my time in the gym too when I wasn’t out partying. I knew most of them at my own school, and we got along. But none of these guys were from my school. And my friends and I didn’t feel comfortable there.
But it was still early yet, and Beth said if we pick up Rachel, Rachel had some weed, and knew of another party. We all knew there were a couple party’s to try, out in the desert. But a house party would be better, so that was worth trying.
I didn’t know Rachel. I think I’d seen her at school, but I had no idea who she was. I think she transferred in that year, and I’d never bothered to meet her. She was cute I guess, not a total pig, but kinda fat. She just wasn’t my type, with stupid hair and a fat ass. Just not someone I was going to go out of my way to get to know. When we got to her house, she came out with another girl and a guy.
So, seven of us in the van now, and I’m already starting to be a bit buzzed. I’m sitting in the back of the van now on this bunk thing, like a bed. And Rachel moves up to sit with me. She talks to me a bit, she seems ok. But I was a bit annoyed because she kept me locked in a conversation and I really wanted to find a way to sit up closer to Kristy so I could talk to her.
Rachel put her hand on my leg. It was uncomfortable. I didn’t like it. I didn’t want Kristy to see it. I didn’t want Rachel to think I was ok with it. I moved her hand off my leg. But every few minutes, she just put it right back. So, I moved to sit on the floor.
No sooner did I get away from Rachel, Beth stopped the van again. The door slid open, and two more people. They just politely got in, but seemed determined to sit on the floor and talk to each other. Everyone was locked in their own conversations, and that meant if I was going to be polite at all, I’d have to sit back on the bunk in the back with Rachel. I really didn’t want to sit there.
* * *
After driving around pointlessly for an hour, unable to find the house we were looking for, it was clear we were all to bored, to stoned, and to frustrated to waste our time anymore. So, we headed to the other side of town where we knew other kids would be out in the desert partying.
Beth was driving ok, but everyone else seemed be a bit trashed. Laughing constantly, at nothing. Just stupid shit. The bottle of Jack was gone, as was a bottle of vodka. We’d already been through at least one twelve pack. I really have no idea how much they drank, but as long as there was beer left, it was fine.
It was Rachel that was screwing things up for me though. I couldn’t get near Kristy, and I was on that bunk. And she’d escalated from trying to put her hand on my knee to now pretending she was to drunk, and Beth’s driving was so bad, that every time we would go around a corner, she would throw herself on top of me.
I actually said, out loud, several times, it wasn’t cool. It was annoying. And finally on one corner, she threw her self on me and wouldn’t let me up. She kissed me. She wouldn’t stop, she was on my face, my neck, and ears with her lips. I shouted at Mark. I tried to tell him I wanted her off me, and it wasn’t cool. Everyone thought it was a joke. It wasn’t a joke. It wasn’t cool.
I got her off of me, but she wouldn’t stop. I could push her away, but she just came right back. I couldn’t hit her, that would have been too much. You can’t hit a girl. But nothing was working. She wouldn’t stop.
But finally the van stopped, and I got out of the door as fast as I could. I didn’t stop and hang around, I just walked straight down the row of cars parked on the side of the dirt trail in the desert to the fire. Other people. As I got down the trail, I saw there were a lot of kids, maybe 50 or 60 kids. Maybe I could just get lost and the crowd.
I stood at the fire, talking to some guys I knew, trying to forget. Kicking around in the dirt, bullshitting about nothing. And then there was a hand on my ass, grabbing it, tight, not touching it, but squeezing it. And then another hand coming around my waist. I turned and Rachel had found me, and the lips were moving right at me again.
I twisted myself away quickly and ran. I ran to another fire just down the wash. I saw a couple of my friends sitting by the fire on a cooler, and I stopped. I asked for a beer, and they opened the cooler. I saw a bottle of Jim Beam in the cooler and I took it. These guys knew me, and I’m pretty sure they thought I was just going to take a drink, but I saw Rachel coming, and I ran of into the cactus with the bottle.
I knew I could outrun her, that wasn’t going to be a problem. So I took off for the thick cactus and was quickly out of sight. I ran another few seconds and took a hard left, back towards the wash. I crossed the wash, and ran just back into the cactus to not be seen on the far side. I ran back past everyone at the party, and down further.
I finally found a tree at the edge of the wash in the dark, with a stump near it to sit on. I could see them across the wash from there, and I didn’t think anyone could see me. I just sat on the stump, and I drank the Jim Beam.
* * *
I knew I was asleep, and dreaming about sex. I was dreaming about Kristy, on top of me, riding me. It felt so real. But I was feeling the dehydration pulling me out of my sleep. I didn’t want the dream to stop, but I had to wake up, I felt sick. And I heard a child’s voice, a little kid.
As I woke, I started to realize I wasn’t in my bed, I was somewhere I didn’t know. I was under someone. Someone was riding me. As I cracked open my eyes, I saw Rachel. I was disgusted, I panicked. And, standing in the doorway was a little boy.
A woman in her early 20s appeared next, in the doorway, and started yelling at Rachel. Rachel yelled back, at her sister, Desiree. Desiree, I thought, what a stupid stripper name. And from the looks of her, she probably was one. In the confusion I rolled out of bed and ran naked down the hallway. I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew I needed to get away.
I saw a bathroom at the end of the hallway, and I ran in and locked the door. I got in the shower, and tried to wash myself off. But no sooner did the water get a tiny bit warm, no more than a few seconds later, Rachel was knocking at the door yelling at me to come out. She was trying to say her sister left and she wanted me back in bed. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to. I was sick. Really sick. But there wasn’t time. I took a towel and climbed out the bathroom window.
As I got outside, I realized where I was, what part of town, I knew this house, I’d walked by it hundreds of times. I knew the alley, I knew the streets, and I knew my friend Jim was just half a block down the alley. I tried to hold the towel on me, but it was to small, I couldn’t tie it off, I had to hold it over me as I ran down the alley. I climbed over the fence into his yard, and started tapping on his bedroom window.
He opened the curtain, saw me standing in a towel. I could see the confusion on his face, but I didn’t want to explain. I couldn’t. I didn’t even know what happened. I just needed clothes. I asked him to find me anything I could wear, anything I could fit in that he owned. It had to be shorts, his pants wouldn’t be long enough. And his shirts were all too small. It was horrible. And I know how confused he was, but I just couldn’t tell him.
* * *
Monday came, and I walked to school. I’d not told anyone. I couldn’t tell anyone. What do you say? “She raped me?” Was that even possible? Even if it was, everyone would laugh. No one would take me serious. And, as I got to the building, there was Rachel standing in front talking to her friends. I walked past her, I went to class. What else could I do?