The Montreal Guide to Sex
A beginner's guide to choosing a partner in the Sin City of the North
by Laura Roberts
Copyright 2012 Laura Roberts
Smashwords Edition
Cover image based on “ARRÊT,”
by Hussein Abdallah
(photo CC 2008, via Flickr)
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Whether you're a new transplant to Montreal or just a tourist on a bender, it's just as important to know with whom you should be having sex on any given night as it is to know where to accomplish the dirty deed. After all, your choice of sexual partners says a lot about you as a person. You don't want to get caught with your pants down with the wrong guy, gal, or trans person. People will talk! (And judge. And talk some more. And post photos on Facebook, to your never-ending humiliation. Let's not go there.)
For easy comparison's sake, we've put together a brief side-by-side guide to help you decide whether your potential lover is fuckable or a failure. Let's begin.
DO: The cute musician whose band was performing tonight
DON'T: The drunk-ass musician who hit on you at the bar, commenting on your “Your band sucks” t-shirt
DO: Hometown girl Melissa Auf der Maur
DON'T: Her scary former bandmate with the initials CL
DO: The hot guy with the radio-quality voice
DON'T: The CBC radio guy you saw on the metro
DO: The Canadian actor who made it big in the States and is back in Montreal to promote his new film
DON'T: The 30-something aspiring Canadian actor who still wets the bed
DO: The comedian you met at the Fringe Festival
DON'T: The comedian's boss, whom you ran into while doing the walk of shame
DO: The fellow J-schooler who now works for the Toronto Star
DON'T: The Toronto Star's “Montreal bureau chief,” where the “bureau” consists of her and her cat arguing about serial commas
DO: The talented graphic artist who moonlights as an infamous graffiti artist
DON'T: The “graphic artist” who secretly harbors a legion of wizard paintings in his crawlspace
DO: The trust fund girl at McGill who's originally from the States
DON'T: The trust fund girl at McGill who's originally from Toronto
DO: The foreign exchange student from France
DON'T: The foreign exchange student from North Korea