I’LL TELL YOU WHY
by Erkant Qyshkollari
Published on Smashwords
Copyright © 2012 U.S. Copyright Office. All rights reserved.
U.S. Copyright Office. www.copyrightassociates.com
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All rights Reserved.
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CONTENTS
2. Relationships: Why do I want what I cannot have?
5. Perception is reality, isn’t it?
11. The End: The heavily underlined bottom line
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Introduction:
Hello everyone. My name is Erkant, but my friends call me Erki for short.
I’ve decided to write a short book about the way boys and girls interact with one another. There has probably been more than just one reason that lead to the creation of this book. Personal experiences, and a lot of many other experiences that took place by you, would probably be reason number one. The idea of this book is to promote change. And I can’t help but feel that we are aching for change when it comes to our often confused, frustrating, and misguided love life.
I do not claim to be a good writer, and just so you know, writing a book was not something on my to-do list. However, this book will test many of you. It will test your experiences. It will test your patience. It will test your knowledge. It will also test your character. We will all embark on a trip with many stops. We will examine the things we do, and the things we do not do; the right things and the wrong things. These of course are none other than my opinions alone on the matters, and I support them fully, including those of chapters (3) and (7) formally written by my close friend Mikael, who also contributed his knowledge to chapter (2) and most of the editing of this book.
The tone of this book is very raw, and we’re going to keep it simple and exciting, every step of the way. SO GET EXCITED! It is a little funny and a little more Informative. A little mean. A little biased, a little serious, and of course, a little humble. If you stop yourself during the read of this book and wonder: “Whatever made this guy Mr. Know-it-all?” You have asked the right question. You have every right to question the content written in here. It’s meant to be questioned, but realise that ‘you’ contributed in the making of this book. Though I’m confident you will be agreeing with me every step of the way, I urge you to take your own time and think about the problems that I pose, and make your own conclusions. Don’t be a by-product of modern marketing and unhinged consumerism. Don’t come here looking for a quick fix remedies and silver bullets. Nobody is selling snake-oil over here. People today want everything handed to them. With shortcuts, if possible.
Why? – The question that kept you up at night will now put you sound asleep, simply because we will begin to understand how to answer it.
How I did it was really simple. I started paying attention to the details, and if you wish to do the same, you will need to simply be patient in your thought process. It’ll come to you.
But if you’re not quite there yet; I’m here to tell you why. Let’s begin.
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Let’s jump right into this one. No lovely introductions, because this entire chapter is the introduction to this whole book. This chapter’s purpose is solely to set up the tone for the chapters to follow. Each chapter raises some very good questions, which are then discussed and answered beautifully to you.
Press ^Play, please.
Are you ready to play? Are you sure? You better be sure, because what you are about to go through, may end up being a very difficult, confusing, stressful and frustrating time for you. If you haven’t already guessed, I’m referring to the so called “game” that often happens between boys and girls. I know what you’re thinking: “Oh here we go. Here comes some more stupid advice on this junk.” If that was you, stop for a second, and read this part slowly because you are wrong. Times have changed, and I am 100% sure that if you have not lived under a rock for the past decade, you too have noticed a similar occurrence. What might make it difficult for you to notice is the fact that you probably have played a major part in this change, while you continued to just roll with it.
I am not here to give you advice on anything. I am only going to try and shine light on things that you may already know. So why then, you ask? I guess I happen to be an excellent observer of things. I know, I know. You are too. But trust me here, there will always be things you and I can both learn. You are going to really need to slowly and carefully read through these sentences as you proceed. But before you proceed, and you happen to be a miss, some chapters might come off as a little bit biased towards the guys. Just try and remember that this is not about villains and heroes, so move forward. You will find yourself agreeing to a lot of this anyway.
Fellas, lets discuss something that some of us might look forward to in the better weekends of the year. I’m talking about meeting new people. And by that I mean, meeting beautiful, cute, charismatic young girls. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Yes, sometimes it is. Things fall into place effortlessly, but you are never off the hook that easily. Here are some things you want to keep in mind next time you visit the fish market, okay? No pun intended.
1. A girl is almost never what she appears to be in person.
When you first meet a girl, most of the time she will appear to be nice for the most part. She might even act as if she gives a brownie about who you are or what you have to say. She is going to wear a smile, because she knows that, that is the way to tackle awkward first introductions. She is going to keep you guessing and be mysterious, letting you come up with all the questions, because she knows that, that makes her more interesting to you, while she remains in a safe bubble of misdirection. Additionally, the reason you may be getting one word responses and a lot of I-don’t-knows is because she is not really sure about you and doesn’t want to give you any information with which to endlessly annoy her. “Oh you’re a hairdresser? Where do you work? Cool. How much do you charge? Do you like it?” Now she’s stuck in a boring conversation with you and it’s partially her fault for giving that information, and mostly your own fault for being a creep with nothing interesting to say. However, if you've been known to always have gotten some looks from girls in the past, chances are she might spark a little interest in you too. But, do not take that thought and run with it because,... this is what happens when you decide to take down her number.
2. DO NOT ask for her number unless you are prepared to undergo a series of mind games.
You did it. You got her number. Good for you pal! But you are going to really stress about this one. Sometimes you might find yourself wondering: "Why did this girl give me her number at all, if she isn't going to respond to my texts or calls?" Of course, there can be numerous reasons why, but given any public social situation; most people still remember their manners when they step out of their house. This means, that when you made your small two minute chatter and wanted to continue to broaden your interest in her by asking for her number, she was going to save herself the awkward moment of saying: “No, I am not interested in your bullshit, now if you don’t mind, I need to go to the ladies room and check again if this new dress is doing my tits any justice.” On the other hand maybe, she was kind of tipsy and didn’t think it through as long as girls usually do. Sadly, this is one way the girl feeds off of you like some twisted attention-vampire. You have provided her with proof that you are into her and that you might want her company; and often, that is all that she wants my lads. No hugs, no kisses, no chatter and no sexy time.
She got your attention; NOW comes the test. How will you react to this?
Let’s just say that for me, her choosing to ignore my messages will result in immediate deletion of her number. Am I posing to be cool or awesome by writing so? No. It upsets me a little bit too, but I also know that by her choosing to ignore my calls or text messages, there is a chance she is going to play some games, or perhaps she just wanted my attention to help her get through her day. Perhaps she was in a foul mood. Or maybe she was in a good one. Fellas, any excuse is a good excuse for a girl to not have to bother with you. If you’re thinking to yourself – that’s lame. Believe me, lame is an understatement. I hate to be the one to say it, but finding responsibility within younger folks today is like waiting for that full blue moon to shine every night. But it just so happens to only shines once every two years. Twice if we’re lucky.
We’ve all done it. “I’m not going to text message this person. Pretend I am not into them, although they creep into my thoughts a few times during the day. I will allow them to make the first move. By doing so, I now have the upper hand on the deal; the move is now mine to follow up on.” I know, this sounds extremely pathetic. But this is probably still you today; playing ‘catch me if you can’ at the local park with all the little boys and girls. Guess what that makes you? Need I say it at all? Oh, what the hell - A big, big attention whore. In fact boys, the women who don’t seek any attention are usually the ones you need to be giving your attention to. I should mention that most of this usually applies to only new meets and or flings. Starting something new with someone old, is a whole different ball game.
And that will be discussed too.
Now, I assume you all know what I’m referring to by games.
Why are there games? I will be glad to share with you why.
The biggest reason of them all is because people; you and I included, really dislike rejection. You dislike it so much that you might possibly pee in your pants. I’m kidding! I certainly hope that no one does. I have absolutely participated in these games in the past because of this reason. It isn’t “FUN” or “EXCITING”, so stop feeding yourself those heavy lies. The way games begin to run in your head is like so: “Let me talk and flirt with this person, but I will never admit my true feelings or intentions because I’m afraid of getting turned down. Afraid that he/she might not be on the same page as I”. This process ladies and gentlemen is the “game”. Girls, don’t tell me, that you might be doing so to just be nice to the person on the receiving end, because that would not make any fucking sense. You gave him your number “just to be nice”. You then text messaged and called back and forth “just to be nice”. You might also just go on a coffee date “just to be nice”. If so, you might as well, climb on top and ride him for the night. - JUST TO BE NICE. This game has no textbook rules, even though rules often get coated onto scenarios. This game has no beginning, and no end. This game also becomes extremely difficult and frustrating when you start noticing mixed signals. You know the game where the girl picks up an oxeye daisy, and begins stripping down its petals, while somberly speaking the words: “he loves me, he loves me not.” My god that sounds depressing. She didn’t even want to let her mind come up with a concise conclusion, so she substituted a flower for her brain instead. Yes I know us guys are to blame for that too. And I’ll be the first to take part of that blame. As mentioned earlier, I hope to shine light to the matter and season you for improvement in the future. And we have a lot to cover.
I suppose, a little bit of advice doesn’t hurt. Next time you’re in this position, be gentle, be considerate, be charming if possible, but most importantly, be real, and be clear to what your intentions are; it’s going to save you a lot of time, money, headaches, trips to the ER and so on. So man up and be prepared to hear that rejection. It is not the end of the world for you. Really, it isn’t.
Moreover, for the younger generations this game is going to become completely ingrained into their life, and this is very scary if you take time and think about it. To put it in perspective: being clear, proper and honest will be perceived negatively, or “awkward”. Thus far, there is good news. Eventually all boys and girls become men and women. With age, comes a deeper maturity, a deeper understanding, as these things begin to take form; just keep your fingers crossed that it doesn’t take any longer for that maturity to happen as it does today.
Boys, if the girls are into you, they will hope that somehow you can read minds and continue the chase. Now ladies, we get it. You like the chase. Sometimes you’ve even told yourself to hold back and see if the guy you’ve been talking to will keep pushing through and through as if he had to, just so you can feel like you’re worth it. Ha! You selfish silly thing. What on earth made you think you were special? You might turn out to be. But it is completely illogical to think that you SHOULD BE before giving the guy a real good shot at having to find out. Confused? Wake up Cinderella! This is the real world. Sit down for a little, feel out what you desire, and act accordingly.
How many times have you ladies been guilty of the “friend” block? Confused again? Of course you are. Friend, is that one word that the guy does not want to hear you say. And often, for guys who are not desperate, that works like a charm. They turn around, pack their bags, and hit the road, just like Jack used to do. Others probably stick around for a bit, while you constantly come up with ridicules excuses to avoid them. But that is not the issue at all.
The issue is still with you girls. You have used the word “friend” before. And you have used it just the same as always, but not always have you had similar intentions with it. You’ve called someone a friend, and desperately hung back and hoped that they would continue to talk to you, to ask and see you. To make you laugh, and to intrigue you. But what happened instead?
They left.
Why wouldn’t they? They were hopping for more, while you only made available less. I understand why you would do such a thing. You do not like to rush into relationships with boys you don’t know very much of, so a friend sounds like a good temporary solution for that. And yes! That is a very good thing to put out there. But for heavens sake, put it out verbally to the guys themselves. Let them know that you are in no rush. And if they are there for the right reasons, chances are that they will be just fine with that. DO NOT, drop the friend block you idiot, because you now got them running away as far as possible. Seriously, watch out girls! In scenarios like these, some words can turn out to pack a stronger punch than usual. So if the words “friend” and “buddy” are part of your regular vocabulary, you may want to tread carefully. I’ll repeat this a few times in this book. I happen to be extremely deductive. My attention to detail is better than you could possibly understand, and so I too have been involved with scenarios like the friend block; Girls who called me “friend” over text messages, but called me “handsome” in person. Girls who called me “buddy” on Facebook, but were ready to make love on the dance floor. The list goes on. The signs were all there ladies, and you were giving them all up subconsciously while I stood by, kept quiet, smiled, and took notes. But what did I do? I ran too. I ran even though I understood your real intentions. Why? Well… how do I put this? Let’s just say that, that was my way of rewarding your timid, poorly calculated actions.
Ladies; men cannot read minds. Who knew right? What a shocker. Seriously, what the fuck?! You need to learn to really use and apply the power of suggestion. Drop a clue, good or bad. And please be smart about it. Seriously, be smart about it. Here is an example of what you don’t do: “hey babe. I miss ya. I hope we can hang out soon. What are your plans for this weekend? Want to join me and my girlfriends? They’re extremely good looking. You’ll like them.” To a guy who is trying to get to YOU, to understand the meaning behind this message would be like taking an apple and a pear, tossing them both in a blender, and asking the guy how he likes his banana smoothie. You’ve sent mixed signals. Stop it. Think about what you’re going to write, before you write it. But Sir, how do I know if the guy is trying to get to ME? Well girls, he has tried to get to see you once or twice a week. Messages you briefly to say what’s up just about the same. And yes, this is still true if he’s just “trying to combine study notes”. He will not be wasting a second more with you otherwise, take my word on this one girls.
What about clubs?
Clubs might possibly be the biggest playgrounds for all this nonsense. Just remember, not every situation out there is falling into this category. There are endless amounts of scenarios, both good and bad.
If you’ve been reading carefully like I suggested, you should have a strong grasp about all of this by now. But in case you missed it. Here it is again for you knuckleheads! MEN think that clubs are the probably the biggest playground for “gaming”. WOMEN, do not. Try and think of a club as a red-carpet event. THAT is what a club is for most of the girls today. Hours of getting ready, so they can look their best, and tell you that they’re only there to dance with their girlfriends. And they can’t even dance. I have seen this countless amount of times. It has also happened to me once. We guys just don’t really quite understand the situation through and through, so we set ourselves up for failure. Again, I get it. You’re a hot shot, and you get numbers all the time. Big deal, but you also know that about 7/10 times it goes no further than just a number in your phone.
There is a scenario that also deserves a mention, because you see it from time to time. It’s girls on “the prowl” as they call it. Sexual liberation, woo-hoo! Or maybe woo-hoe. Yes, there are nights where particular girls will go out with the objective of meeting a guy. Generally, they would go out with a small group of trusted friends, or even more commonly in two’s and three’s, simply because they don’t want to deal with the backlash of being labelled as promiscuous. And in most cases they are not “hoes” as I may have wrongly accused them of being. They’re regular girls, who want the experience without all the bullshit. Should you encounter a girl on the “prowl”, here’s a step by step guide on how to proceed: 1. Keep mouth shut; 2. Have cab fare ready. Interestingly, a girl once randomly dropped the exact phrase “going on the prowl” in a conversation. When I questioned her further I got more of the generic “I’m going to get done up”, “look for a hot guy”. I think she was going out with the illusion that she is “on the prowl”, while in fact being a tease and a flake. After all I could not picture this sweet five foot thing, as the ruthless man-eater she was claiming to be. But looks can deceive and I know of a few devils trapped in an angel’s body.
Now, I prefer to just keep my clubbing experiences as a venue for partying, celebrating birthdays, checking out talented artists, engagements, etc. You get the gist. NOT for solely picking up women. Should a good connection with a girl happen? Good, but know that a club is an environment which girls have almost completely no interest in meeting a guy in. Not for the long run anyway. And if you did attempt to meet new girls there like you have, all of this is sounding awfully familiar by now.
3. You will be in constant observation.
You will be under constant observation. Everything you do and say. Everything that you don’t do, or say will be monitored and processed constantly by the girl. NOT ONCE, but again when she gets together with her girlfriends. What you say, how you say it. What you do and how you do it. How you laugh. What you look at. How you look at it. How you smell. How you behave. The color of your shoes. The color of your tie. The color of your teeth, and probably the color of your skin. Some of these things may not be so alarming to you, and you may not realize that such things could ever mean a great deal to her, but unfortunately, they do. Be ready to be put under a microscope and have every detail of your being critiqued. You would feel exactly as low as the metaphorical bacteria under a microscope if you knew all that goes on. What does this mean? This means, you my friend are very easily replaced, often for reasons you never understood, because there was no logic behind any of it. Maybe you said you used to play the pan flute and write poetry, and while your girl may not mind it, her psycho friend just has to crap all over you, because God forbid she doesn’t share her opinion on everything and stick her nose where it doesn’t belong. The seed is now planted that you’re a sensitive, nancy-boy, who listens to Kenny G and cries to romance novels. Her friends are never on your side, especially if you ignore them when you meet her. I may be stretching things a bit with that example, but things of that nature do happen. This also means, when you start to get the warm feeling in you stomach, unknowingly, you are about to get a thumbs down. (The phenomenon behind this will be explained in absolute detail in future chapters)
Try to keep in mind that pretty faces with a little T n’ A have a lot of power in this society, and their options run deeper than yours ever did. A reason for that is because a girl is slow to commit, less likely to take risks. It is also a reason, why we guys are the ones always to do the “hitting on” part. But that’s just the half of it. Men desire it more. And why do we have a greater desire in doing the “hitting on”? The answer you know extremely well deep inside. You just never reached deep enough to find it. Think about what girls wear on the daily, or in the clubs; slick tight dresses, jeans that show the curves of their thighs and shape of their butts. Tops that reveal 80% of their chest and more. This slick tight wear is putting things in perspective for us men. And this perspective happens to be an extremely powerful one. This specific perspective is sex. We are being hit over the head with the message “look at how hot I am”. And we are being smothered by it. If you missed the train with one girl, there will be another man around the corner puffing out his chest, checking his breath and waiting for his shot to punch that ticket. If this point still remains in the dark for you, just try and imagine our society where women wore baggy suits just like us men. That’s right. A LOT WOULD CHANGE. We are the ones making all the moves boys, while they are the ones with the red markers observing everything while crossing X’s on top of us all. Again, this will be explained in greater detail later. Women are almost a complete opposite to us men, which results to actions being taken with much more precaution. For this reason, they cannot just simply say yes and commit to your coffee date that easily. You will need to woo them over and over, bringing a strong sense of comfort first. You could also try calling Robin Thicke for some advice in magic. Best of luck to you on that one by the way, though I’m honestly positively sure the man would be of great help.
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WHY DO I WANT WHAT I CANNOT HAVE?
It’s simple boys and girls. It’s just our instinct. You can see nearly perfect illustrations of reverse psychology in almost any situation involving guys and gals, if you simply peel back the layers. Now, what the hell am I talking about?
It’s wanting what you can’t have.
It is just in the youthful and rebellious nature of young people to want what is forbidden. Remember when mom told you not to do something? What did you do? That`s right! You did exactly what she said not to do. And maybe you got caught, maybe not. Punished? Maybe.
The point is: You wanted to do it, precisely because it’s forbidden. Now, I’m going to dance around and obscure the matter a little more, like a good writer should. Thought, I don’t claim to be one.
But why did I say young people, specifically? Well if you’re reading this and still trying to figure out how relationships work and you’re over forty, I feel for you. I really do. At the risk of angering you I am going to suggest you’re sad and lonely. No relationship, no dates, no flirting at the office. Lots of cats? Compulsive masturbator? I am just kidding. But if you still don’t get it and you’re old, then maybe the ship has sailed. It’s going to be tougher finding your soul mate. You’re probably going to have to settle and compromise on a lot of things. But, if you are a man with money in the bank, you’re still golden. Your lady might not love you, but come on, she’s only going to be for show anyway.
If you’re a woman in the same situation, you better look your best. It’s a lot tougher for you ladies. I feel for you.
Sort of.
Do you desire someone who is in a relationship, because it’s forbidden? Sure. A lot of people have affairs, but at the end of the day people know they are risking a lot. You may have to give your spouse half of everything you own, or you may have to break off a 5 year relationship and other nasty little things. I don’t doubt that the urge is great, maybe the greatest of all the examples I’ll discuss, but ultimately the risk is also the greatest. So a lot of people don’t go through with it. It’s risk versus reward. Not everyone is a gambling man. People tend to stick to their guns and in the instances where they stray and get caught, the situation either gets swept under the rug or it blows up in their face.
More recently certain UK football stars (soccer) were caught diddling certain lasses who weren’t their significant others. Now I’m pretty sure I won’t get sued for these references, because that describes about 80% of UK football stars. While some of their fair ladies took them back after a slap on the wrist, others walked away after some ugly break-ups. Now the interesting bit is that the ones who stayed were mostly married or in long term committed relationships and thus had a lot to lose. Most of the ones that ended in a break up were just dating for several months or years in the more extreme cases.
Several points to extract from those stories:
1. Incentive to cheat is inversely proportional to the risk and relative power in the relationship.
2. I’m sure the ladies will be happy to hear me confirm this, but men are greedy and they are always going to want more.
Back to point one. I already mentioned why the risk factor is important to the desire to cheat. But relative power? What the hell are you on about? Well, I’ll tell ya. So wipe the drool off your face and take a seat on my knee child. Whoever holds more power in the relationship is more likely cheat. The football players are a perfect example. They earn the big bucks, they are famous, and some of them are even good looking. They are desired. Sure their ladies are no trolls, but undisputedly, the men hold more power in the relationship. Their significant others know they’ve got it good, so they are more likely to let one slide. Now the cases where the girls were also much desired (some were models, TV personalities, singers, etc.) were quite different. The girl usually dumped the guy. Because the relative power in the relationship was quite even. Now I wish I could name names, but I won’t. Moving on.
Point two, is quite straightforward. Biologically it takes a man a lot less to get turned on than a woman. Flash a pair of boobs and we’re ready to go. Girls cheat for the emotional excitement, most of the time. For guys, it’s almost exclusive to satisfy a physical state of arousal. Like Freud said: “You’re horny, you feel weird. You bust a nut, you’re back to normal. People tend to want to feel normal.” I think Freud was a little more subtle about it, but that’s it in a nutshell.
Now what about young people? The desire to do what’s forbidden is not as great, because there are very few limitations in a young bachelor/ette’s life. People do whatever they feel like, when they’re younger. The libidos are high, the rewards are good and the punishments quite miniscule. First of all, younger people have sex way more often. That’s a given. Cheating is not as rewarding as it would be for somebody who is married for 20 years and is just sick of having the same old boring sex with the same person. Also the risk of punishment is very small. I mean. What’s going to happen if you’re caught? Oh, you break up? Cry me a river. People get over it. They’re young. They go out and find someone else. But the combination is still a lot more potent in younger people so you will encounter a lot more cheating. There. I hope that was simple enough.