Baaad Sheep -
When God’s People
Let You Down
Ellen Gillette
Copyright 2012 by Ellen Gillette
Smashwords edition
Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® (NIV). Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked New American Standard Bible, NASB, are taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE®. Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotation marked KJV is taken from the King James Version and is public domain in the United States.
Copyright © 2007 by Ellen Gillette
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Original dedication:
For David: the most Christ-like person in my life.
“[She] who has been forgiven much, loves much.”
(Luke 7:47, author’s paraphrase)
2011 dedication:
To all those to whom I have personally played the part of a baaad sheep. Please forgive me.
Acknowledgements
Any book is more than words on a page, more than pages within a binding. Books represent the culmination of events—both good and baaad!—in the life of their authors, plus the culmination of events in the lives of all who took part in the writing, editing, and publishing processes. Further behind the scenes is our Creator God, “work(ing) for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). I acknowledge him first and foremost, praying that he will be glorified through this book and in the lives of those who read it. This book was originally published by CarePoint, a company that shut its doors to pursue a different course.
When I wrote Baaad Sheep, our family was raising meat goats—not sheep! —on a farm in North Carolina. Time spent writing meant time not helping with the constant work accompanying such a venture. My husband David, daughters Terri and Becky, son-in-law Randy, and three grandchildren (Jasmine, Adam II, and baby Randy) patiently waited for me to exit my “shed” and resume whatever writing had interrupted—supper, playing, babysitting, weeding the garden, feeding the goats, etc. Their loving support meant more than they could ever imagine. Presently, we have returned to south Florida, with nary a goat or sheep in sight. Becky and her crew are stationed in another state. Modern life = challenges of living apart. Still, the combined support of my family means so much.
Our son Caleb, my parents, sister, and other family members and friends consistently act as “balcony people,” cheering me on my way. I can only hope to be as encouraging to them as they are to me. Our youngest child, Adam, is in that “great cloud of witnesses” (Hebrews 12:1) as I run with perseverance (and a fair amount of complaining) the race God has set for me. As I cope with living in an Adam-less world, I am thankful for the comfort that assurance brings.
Thank you, Dr. Ken Dalton, for your encouragement, insight, and technical assistance. Thanks also to my brothers and sisters in Christ at Crossroads Church in Lillington, North Carolina, who prayed me through the original writing process and kept asking, “So, how’s the book coming?” Scott, Kelly, and the committed people at CarePoint recognized the seed of an idea from a brief online note and provided the soil in which it could germinate and blossom. I am grateful. Even though I no longer live in Lillington or work with CarePoint, they played an ongoing role in all of this.
I have, at times (at many, many times), needed the love, mercy, and forgiveness of people I have hurt badly. I’d like to take this opportunity to extend the same to those who have hurt me. This workbook wouldn’t have been possible without all the baaad sheep I’ve known (or heard about) over the years. “‘You intended to harm…but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done…’” (Genesis 50:20). Be released from your guilt in the name of Jesus. And please…“‘Go and sin no more’” (John 8:11b, NLT).
Contents
Preface
Chapter One An Introduction
Chapter Two Gossip & Cliques
Chapter Three Division—Not Just A Math Problem
Chapter Four Control Freaks & Other Manipulators
Chapter Five Life Drainers
Chapter Six Criminals & Other Commandment-Breakers
Chapter Seven Wolves In Sheep’s (and Shepherd’s) Clothing
Chapter Eight Forgiveness & Reconciliation
Chapter Nine What To Do When Chapter Eight Crashes & Burns
Chapter Ten A Backward Step Of Faith
End Notes
Preface
Welcome to Baaad Sheep- When God’s People Let You Down. The book you're about to read came into being primarily because over the forty-odd years I’ve been a Christian….and some of them really have been odd…I’ve experienced an all-too prevalent problem plaguing the body of Christ, otherwise known as the church.
The problem is…people. Jesus refers to himself as the Good Shepherd over a flock of sheep….that’s you and I. And although we who claim him as Lord of our lives are saved, sanctified, sealed, and set apart to do his purposes, we’re still victories in progress. Full of human flaws. Combos of previous hurts, bad choices, poor upbringing. Our imperfections do not magically disappear when we rise up out of the baptismal pool…and certainly don't if we were merely sprinkled!
I was raised in the church, sprinkled as an infant, cuddled on the Cradle Roll, followed by Sunday school where I played with those giant cardboard bricks from as young as I can remember. My father always sang in the choir and my mother was always the pianist or organist at the churches we attended so I tagged along to choir practices too. When I became a Christian as a teenager, asking Jesus to be my personal savior and no longer trying to get to heaven on my parents’ coattails, I was re-baptized by immersion and added Bible studies and prayer meetings to my repertoire.
After marriage, my husband David and I, along with our four young children, lived on the mission field for a time. I’ve taught Sunday school, led youth groups and drama teams, sung and played instruments on worship teams, taught in a church-run school and various Bible studies, been a church's administration assistant. That means that virtually for as long as I’ve had breath, I’ve come in proximity to Christians often enough to study them up close and personal. Sometimes it hasn’t been a pretty sight.
Baaad sheep have hurt me quite a few times in my 50-something years. I’ve been let down by pastors, preachers, ministers, worship leaders, deacons, elders, youth leaders, Sunday school teachers, church secretaries, the brethren, the sistren. And I’ll confess up front that I’ve been a baaad sheep a time or two myself. Okay… lots more than twice. I’ve also had the dubious pleasure of being introduced to other baaad sheep by fellow Christians who generously shared their personal horror stories.
Because the church is a place where imperfect people gather to worship a perfect God—who uses this life as a training ground for the next, eternal one-- church makes a terrific classroom. The Bible says we’re called to be overcomers, which means…and I hope I’m not the first one to break this to you…we’re going to have things TO overcome.
Baaad Sheep- When God’s People Let You Down looks at the folks at church who disappoint us, some intentionally, some not, by the hurtful things they say or the hurtful ways they say them or the hurtful things they do. If you are reading this, chances are you’ve been hurt too. If not, just give it time. You will be.
What exactly is a baaad sheep? A Christian, a believer, a disciple, a part of the body of Christ, the Behavior Police…whatever label you choose to apply…but one who lets others down by acting in a decidedly un-Christlike manner.
We know that there will always be problems in this life. Jesus warned that “in the world, you will have tribulation.” We live in an increasingly godless world, and although America is a ChristianIZED society, it is far from a Christian society. People all around us live according to standards like “if it feels good, do it.” “I’m okay, you’re okay,” “do what you want as long as you don’t get caught,” “do unto others before they do unto you,” “look out for number one and don’t step in number two!” With that kind of mentality in action, you can’t avoid being let down without locking yourself into a room and never seeing or speaking to another human being for the rest of your life.
We won’t be discussing those people, however. Your boss, roommate, neighbor, co-worker, all your ex’s from Texas or wherever, the guy who pulled out ahead of you in traffic and made you late for prayer meeting…those stories are best kept for another forum. You need to forgive them too, by the way, but the purpose of this particular book is to look at the hurts caused by the people we expect would be the least likely to do so…our fellow believers, brothers and sisters in Christ. Family.
In John 13:35 Jesus gave a new command. “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples.” It’s pretty obvious from this that we can’t just go around hating the people who let us down.
You know, Christians don’t really get mad….we get hurt. We just act like everyone else does when they get mad! The world looks beyond our stained glass windows and sees the unresolved conflicts, bitterness, cliques that exclude others, gossip and jealousy, division and pettiness, and it’s no wonder they decide to just keep on truckin'. Why stop in for spiritual teaching and refreshing from that bunch?
Jesus told us to spread the Good News of the kingdom of God—it was his great commission. He also told us that the only way the world will recognize us as his great commissioners is to the degree that we love one another. Pretty important, then, to learn to deal with the stubborn hurts from those baaad sheep, so that they no longer distract us from the business of spreading the Gospel and drawing others to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.
Yes, I know… it was really rotten what that person said to you. It is almost inconceivable what that person did to you behind your back. You’re not alone…I used to live on a farm, with lots of animals. I can tell you from experience that fertilizer happens. In church too, “fertilizer” has happened to lots of people…to me personally. Rather than sit around and feel sorry for ourselves, however, we’re going to look at some of the specific problems that often manifest themselves in the church setting and then we’re going to talk about godly ways to deal with those problems.
I mentioned the mission field. Our family of six lived in India for most of 1987 working with Youth With A Mission (YWAM). While there, a national told us that there were three religious groups in his country, each one with its own reputation. “The Muslims are known for their lust; the Hindus, their deception. And Christians,” he said sadly, “are known for stabbing each other in the back.” Undoubtedly, the actions of the minority of believers had poisoned the opinion of outsiders as to the character of the majority.
Let’s call that (hopefully) minority: baaad sheep. As we look at these baaad sheep, we should remind ourselves that the “minority factor” is true for us as well. We’ve probably known hundreds of Christians during our lives. Only a small percentage, I trust, has hurt us. But hurt us they have. We want to look at some of the general areas in which we have been (or are being) let down by God’s people, focusing on behavior that is in conflict with his commands.
The chapters to follow won’t cover every potential brand of baaad sheep, obviously, and the problems we’ll address are not always discernible at the beginning of a church relationship. New members don’t introduce themselves by saying, “Hi, I’m Billie Jean and I struggle with gossip” or “Thank you for welcoming me as your new pastor. Over the next ten years I will molest three of your teens, seduce two married women, and leave my family for the secretary.”
When God seals us with the Holy Spirit as we put our trust in Jesus, he doesn’t add a tattoo of our particular areas of weakness for all to see…and aren’t you glad? If he did, however, everyone would be warned, would know better how to pray for us, and could even avoid us if necessary. We would see others the same way. That’s just not the way it works. We learn to recognize/respond to baaad sheep through experience, discernment, and (hopefully) through studies such as this one.
According to Pat Zukeran, in his article entitled “Abusive Churches”, he lists (combined with information from Dr. Ronald Enroth’s book, Churches That Abuse) several characteristics of abusive churches:
First, abusive churches have a control-oriented style of leadership. Second, the leaders of such churches often use manipulation to gain complete submission from their members. Third, there is a rigid, legalistic lifestyle involving numerous requirements and minute details for daily life. Fourth, these churches tend to change their names often, especially once they are exposed by the media. Fifth, denouncing other churches is common because they see themselves as superior to all other churches. Sixth, these churches have a persecution complex and view themselves as being persecuted by the world, the media, and other Christian churches. Seventh, abusive churches specifically target young adults between eighteen and twenty-five years of age. The eighth and final mark of abusive churches is the great difficulty members have in getting out of or leaving these churches, a process often marked by social, psychological, or emotional pain.1
These characteristics are significant to the problem of church abuse, and will certainly be addressed, but our primary focus will be the more subtle ways churches abuse through their members or faithful attenders…primarily believers…as was the case for Karen (Leininger) King, who wrote a paper entitled “Healed of Church Abuse” for Communion with God Ministries. Her willingness to share freely about her journey through pain and beyond can inspire us on our own journey:
I felt hopeless, alienated, and that God really didn’t care for me anymore. The past controlled my present and gave me a black, bleak looking future. These wounds were all inflicted by “Christians” and the Church. Maybe that is one reason it all seemed so much worse for me. Where I should have found love and support, I received criticism, judgment, condemnation, hurt, and loss of identity. While studying, it was a relief to find out that it wasn’t just myself digging up these past hurts, but that it was Christ gently bringing these events to my consciousness so that He could touch me and give me inner healing.2
In this book, we will look at our own hurts and learn ways to deal with them in a godly way through the healing touch of Christ. We will also learn how to avoid being baaad sheep ourselves.
I’ve come to the conclusion that if you’ve settled in your heart and mind, once and for all, that God exists…. you’re stuck. He’s God! He can do whatever he wants to. He doesn’t wait for our approval or permission. He never asks for our advice or preferences. Moreover, if we’ve further acknowledged Jesus as the Son of God and Savior of the world, we’re stuck again. Jesus told us to love one another. He also said something about forgiveness…like…we won’t be forgiven if we don’t forgive others? Something along those lines.
Sometimes the ways in which we are let down by fellow believers are relatively small. Sometimes they are huge, devastating. In presenting this book, I don’t in any way want to diminish anyone’s feelings of loss, abandonment, or betrayal. But we don't have to be controlled by those negative feelings.
Sometimes the hurt is so bad we are tempted to give up on the idea of church altogether. I understand—I’ve been there myself. But I pray that by reading this, you’ll reconsider. We don’t just need each other in the body of Christ to fulfill God’s sovereign purposes. We need YOU. And we need you to be healthy and whole, unfettered by unforgiveness, healed from those despicable hurts, ready to take the world for Christ.
I learned a lot while working on this and I hope you will too. And thanks…thanks for the opportunity to play a small part in your spiritual journey.
Chapter One
An Introduction
“‘A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another’” (John 13:34-35).
Welcome & Purpose
Welcome to the Baaad Sheep unofficial support group designed with compassion to approach the topic of church abuse. The purpose of a support group is to share the love, grace, and mercy of Christ Jesus with others by sharing and bearing mutual burdens, expressing our love and care for one another, and encouraging each other so that we might find hope, joy, value, and renewed life. Health begins with one person, however - you. And me. We can better minister to others when we are healthy ourselves. Originally, this was written as a discussion group workbook, with set sessions and introductions to each session on a compact disk. Certainly, it could still be used in a group setting, but I also want individuals to find resolutions for themselves.
The Gospel, Reader’s Digest Condensed VersionRT
Since love is the fulfillment of the Law (Romans 13:10), did you ever wonder why God didn’t just periodically, post-Creation, send out a flier to everyone on the planet that read: Love one another.
Just think of all the time that could have been saved! Moses might have spent forty minutes on Mount Sinai. And after thousands of years of God’s singular message being repeated over and over, the church (and please note that when I say “the church” I mean the universal body of believers, not a particular one) would be exactly what he always intended it to be.
Yeah, right.
God went to extreme lengths to “flesh out” the radical concept of loving one another in the Bible. But just as a three-word flier was not adequate to fully explain his will, this workbook can’t come close to revealing everything about the present state of affairs in the church today. Rather, it is intended to help you—by engaging in a group study discussion—“walk out” what God’s Word teaches. If the world will only know (believe, be convinced of, buy into the whole idea) that we are Christians by our love for one another, it seems important that we learn to actually do it.
Biblical Blemish Cream
What will we not be addressing? For one thing, we won’t be talking about the hurts of the world, which are vast. I would encourage the group to avoid getting bogged down by “bad-boss” stories and the like. Handling these hurts is a valid issue—by all means, learn to forgive the world’s scoundrels too!—but our study’s focus is Christians. The church needs to be accountable for its part in turning hurting people away from its doors and from the Lord—one particularly disastrous result of being baaad sheep.
That reminds me of the stand-up comedian who left a gig, only to be accosted by an angry little group that had caught his performance. “We’re Christians,” one of the group sputtered, “and we were highly offended by the way you talked about Christianity.”
The comedian just smiled. “So forgive me.” Out of the mouths of babes and buffoons….
Jesus’ teaching is clear: in the world, there’s going to be trouble, that starts with T, that rhymes with P, which stands for People (John 16:33, with apologies to The Music Man lyricist Meredith Willson). Fallen man cannot help but reflect his spiritual depravity through word and deed. What we want to look at is the pervasive trouble within the body of Christ, also referred to as the church, the bride of Christ, the New Jerusalem, and the wife of the Lamb (see Revelation 21).
Paul wrote of Christ giving himself up for the church “to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (Ephesians 5:26-27). There is so much pain within the Body—so much Christian-generated pain—that I find it difficult to believe that Jesus’ return is imminent…an Extreme Makeover is still very much in progress with his bride.
We are also not going to discuss the actions of everyone at church whose behavior is suspect. There is, at any given time, a number of different groups within any given congregation, including people who have not formally committed to a relationship with Jesus Christ. They are raw material, not yet submitted to the Lord’s pruning shears.
Years ago the newspaper which ran my weekly column printed a story about a local bar. Seems the bar was holding a competition for the Sexiest Sounding Woman. Remember that restaurant scene in When Harry Meets Sally, in which Meg Ryan demonstrates how a woman might convincingly fake an orgasm? That's the idea. The next Sunday a woman approached me at church, tight-lipped with righteous indignation. “Can’t you do something?” She was offended that such an article appeared in the…secular…press.
Another time, I observed with chagrin as a women’s jail ministry team member confronted a regular worship service attendee over her choice of clothing—far too revealing for the woman’s sensitive tastes. In jail! A non-believer! Good freakin' grief. Why do Christians expect those who haven't committed their lives to Christ to even care about acting Christ-like, much less behaving that way? Actual, bona fide believers have enough trouble! If you don't believe me, check out current statistics for things like divorce, premarital sex, teen pregnancy, extramarital affairs, etc. The numbers for within church walls are consistent with "the world."
At church, there are…or should be, if we are evangelizing our community well…unsaved people in our midst. It would be pointless, fruitless, and invariably counterproductive for us to expect them to behave otherwise. Allowances must be made, outbursts gently overlooked, appearance taken with a grain of salt…within reason, of course. But churches that want all that enter their hallowed doors to get cleaned up in speech, dress, and actions beforehand should hardly be surprised by dust on the hymnals.
On the other hand, Christians who name the Name are and should be accountable to a higher standard. Sadly, it is not uncommon for God’s people to let others down. Regularly. In both little ways and big. Solomon wrote that it is a “glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11b), but it isn’t easy! In fact, it is often easier to forgive those "out there" who hurt us than fellow believers. Much easier. Our brothers and sisters in Christ know better, don't they?
So do we. And it hasn't stopped us from hurting people, now has it?
Sadly, hurts by Christians have affected, in ways both small and large, our definitions and perceptions of Christianity. Chances are you have plenty of negative examples. As you're reading, I hope you remember positive examples too.
I feel your pain…
There may be some reading this who have been so hurt by people within the church—or know people in such circumstances—that they have given up on attending altogether. I totally understand. As a teenager, I was molested by a trusted family friend in our church. Over the years, I’ve suffered from the gossip mill that routinely operates among congregations of all shapes and sizes. I’ve sought help and counsel from pastors and left wondering why I’d bothered. I know what it’s like to have someone at church say, “I’ll be there for you” and then disappear.
I know what it’s like to have Christian friends forsake me based on rumor or assumption—or even based on accurate information…to walk into church and not feel safe, shadowing my husband David so that no one is able to catch me alone and inflict more pain. I know what it’s like to watch people be publicly affirmed as pillars of the congregation who have knowingly hurt me and my loved ones. It was at just such a point during a Sunday morning service that David turned to me and said simply, “I think we need to be somewhere else.”
Unfortunately, “somewhere else” can easily become nowhere at all. Once we get out of the habit of regular church attendance, a myriad of other activities rush in to distract, take priority, and demand our time. Especially if you have been part of one church for a number of years, finding a new congregation can be extremely challenging. If the place you regarded as “family” didn’t work out, how can a new place—filled with complete strangers—possibly be better?
If you fall into the category of “formerly churched,” my prayer is that this book will encourage you to make the effort to step back into the fray. At least think about it. Church isn't the only place to worship God or learn about him, obviously. People were walking with him long before the first church building was erected, and they will continue to do so outside church walls. But we are instructed to gather for corporate edification(see Hebrews 10:25). Church isn’t full of perfect people, but it is full of people God wants us to learn to love. With all the potential for hurt in the church, you’ve got to admit it does make the perfect classroom!
Where there’s a will, there’s a way…
Prior to going on the mission field, David and I attended a YWAM Discipleship Training School (DTS) in Lindale, Texas. During the three-month classroom phase, we absorbed the wit and wisdom of numerous gifted teachers from bases around the world as well as non-YWAMers in the ministry of equipping the saints.
You can well imagine that much of a discipleship training program dealt with that sticky command of Jesus to his first disciples: love one another. Interpersonal relationships are extremely important when living in community, as missionaries often do, since that fishbowl existence stands as a daily witness to the mission field. As one man put it, “Jesus has given you the ability to get along with every other person on the face of the planet.” Communal living puts this precept to the test as none other I’ve experienced! Paul said it like this: “For he himself is our peace, who has…destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility” (Ephesians 2:14). In other words, we have the God-given ability to recognize interpersonal problems and deal with them appropriately.
Another DTS teacher said, “You can get along with anyone if you’re humble enough.” In most cases, that’s true. However, “getting along” isn’t all God is after. He wants a spotless bride, remember, not a social group that has learned to put on a pretty face every Sunday morning. There are plenty of other groups that can substitute for our deep desire to relate communally and corporately -- for some, "church" is Scouts, or community theater, or a civic group. Church can do things, however, that those groups cannot.
Please the Lord—please.
The New American Standard Bible version of Ephesians 5:10 tells us to “learn what is pleasing to the Lord.” We may be better able to understand what pleases the Lord when we, first, look at things that do not please him. Then we are better able to turn them around. Take things up a notch, spiritually. Dig a little deeper.
The purpose of this book, then, is to acknowledge with excruciating honesty that (1) God’s people regularly behave baaadly toward one another, (2) we should learn how to avoid such behavior in ourselves, and (3) we need to respond to the hurts and those who cause them according to godly principles.We'll look at specific ways in which God’s people let each other down. Many people responded to my invitation for help, coming forward with a willingness to share their story (some of them with tears) and the hurts that still—perhaps after many years—troubled them. Some of the illustrations I use in this workbook are from my own life; some are (as far as I know) imaginary. And don’t worry if you think you’ve recognized someone—names and details have been changed to protect the guilty.
Was it right to ask others…to ask you…to focus on so much negativity? It doesn’t seem…Nice (an important character quality, especially in the South). And aren’t we to “judge not”? Alas, Matthew 7:1 is one of the most misquoted verses in the Bible. As M. Scott Peck writes in People of the Lie, Jesus followed those words with the speck-and-beam analogy in which he taught how to help a brother overcome sin. “What he meant was that we should judge others only with great care, and that such carefulness begins with self-judgment.”3 That means that in some cases we’ll be talking about the baaad sheep I’ve known or heard about. In some cases, we will be talking about me.
And in some, we’ll be talking about you.
ChapterTwo
Gossip & Cliques
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God…” (Ephesians 4:29-30a).
A French philosopher once said that we are much harder on people who betray us in small ways than people who betray others in great ones. When it comes to gossip, I’d have to agree. Gossip does no physical damage, unless you consider the tremendous stress it can cause…and doctors do tell us that stress exacerbates physical decline.
If we ignore gossip—is that even possible?-- it doesn’t actually damage us mentally or emotionally. Why is it, then, that Gossip is one of the most…well, gossiped about…problems in the church today?
I suppose one of the reasons is that we act as if we’re all part of one family, the family of God. But have you ever attended a family reunion? Everybody has a story to tell on someone else. Family can get away with talking about Cousin Marvin’s mysterious cosmetic surgery or the fact that little MaryBelle couldn’t, in good conscience, wear white at her wedding last June. Family can talk about it, but don’t let family catch an outsider discussing it. We don’t air the family laundry in public.
But that is exactly what can happen in church. A few people feel so comfortable in the church setting, so at home, that they forget not everyone wants to know everyone’s deepest and darkest secrets. Okay, okay! They want to know everyone else’s secrets, they just don’t want everyone else to know theirs.
Then there’s the fact that having a juicy morsel to share with a friend gives us the opportunity to act all caring and spiritual and superior. It's the verbal equivalent to watching "Hoarders." We pat ourselves on the back and say, "At least I'm not that bad!" It just feels so different when our names are making the rounds, doesn’t it?
King Solomon wrote that gossip separates close friends. It also destroys marriages, upsets delicate balances found within congregations, preys on the weak, stirs up unrest…there is absolutely nothing positive to be said about gossip—a sentiment obviously rooted in the fact that I’ve been gossiped about too many times myself. It hurts.
We don’t expect our friends, our trusted fellow Christians, to spread untrue or unkind information about us. We don’t relish the thought of being the subject of conversation when we’re not also part of the conversation. When we discover that people have been talking about us (and we always find out, don’t we?) we feel somehow degraded, soiled. It’s like someone has gone through our closets and worn our best clothes without getting permission first. Then they return them with dirt clinging to the hem, and gravy stains all across the front. Yuck!
When gossip happens, it hurts. We feel let down. How could he? How dare she? Well, for one thing, they probably never thought they’d get caught. The people they trusted to keep their news confidential, however, were just as untrustworthy as they were…and the vicious cycle continues.
A Spanish proverb says that whoever gossips to you will gossip of you. Don’t think that just because you only listen to gossip you’re off the hook. Listening encourages the sinner to continue to sin, and that's never a smart idea. King Solomon further advised readers not to even associate with gossips. If more people followed his advice, the gossips would have no one to gossip to and they might actually try being quiet for once.
You can tell the apostle Paul had little love for those who slander others. He told Timothy to put a muzzle (so to speak) on the young widows who had adopted the practice of flitting from house to house talking about everyone’s business but their own. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find out that they were talking about Paul…no one likes being gossiped about, even apostles.
Christian gossips—two words that should never, really, be put together—conveniently hide behind hyperspirituality. “We really need to pray for Mr. Moo,” one will start. “He is going through such a hard time right now...” and on and on it goes until everyone at prayer meeting knows each delicious detail of poor Mr. Moo’s predicament. Listeners are led to believe that Gloria Gossip is only sharing so that they’ll be in a better position to pray.
I must have missed the verse that says God requires our intellect in order to answer our intercession.
Because gossips tend to stick together out of the desire for self-preservation, they tend to get cliquey. Cliques aren’t necessarily filled with gossips, but the two often go hand-in-hand. Cliques have no part in the body of Christ, either. Jesus prayed we would be one, even as he and the Father are one. Unity is the goal for believers; cliques are therefore counter-productive.
On the severity scale, gossip may rank fairly low, but think about the damage one little poison-tipped arrow can do. James wrote in his letter to believers that the tongue is like a fire, set on fire by hell and burning down entire forests of credibility and conscience. He called the tongue a “world of wickedness” that contaminates and depraves the whole body, which also applies to the body of Christ.
Without gossip, the book of Proverbs says, the quarrels stop. You’ve probably experienced this within the church or possibly another group. When people in conflict sit down, face to face, to discuss their problems, solutions are fairly often the reasonable by-product. However, when a few folks simply run their mouths to whoever will let them…conflicts increase. Bitterness deepens. Rifts grow wider. Relationships grow colder. Churches lose their effectiveness.