Seven Days Sober
A Guide to Discovering
What You Really Think About Your Drinking
by Meredith Bell
Published by Meredith Bell at Smashwords
Copyright 2011 Meredith Bell
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Introduction
The first drink I ever had was a glass of white zinfandel my aunt poured for me when I was 14 years old. My family had just survived a harrowing whitewater adventure where our raft had flipped over and dumped us into a river swollen from four days of hurricane-level rains. My parents, my aunt and I had all nearly drowned. We became trapped by the raging river and had to hike several miles through the wilderness and rain back to civilization. Our guides during this debacle weren't all that much older than I was.
The anxiety caused by the day's events made it difficult for me to fall asleep. But after I slugged back that glass of pink wine I had almost no trouble tripping off into dreamland. Bliss. My first experience with alcohol cemented in my mind that there was no quicker or better way for me to calm my nerves than to have a drink.
I continued to seek out opportunities to drink throughout my teens. My parents never kept any alcohol in the house, so I attached myself to friends who were able to procure alcohol for me and I kept them close at hand. The drinkers weren't usually my best friends, but I did seek them out on weekends and buddy up as well as I could.
I loved everything about drinking. The thrill of having something I wasn't supposed to, the loopy conversations, pulling something over on everyone's parents. I can honestly say I even enjoyed the taste of the cheap Milwaukee’s Best beer (the Beast!) we passed around the campfire after football games on Friday nights. And I loved the way drinking made me feel. I was an overanxious overachiever (still am), and I suffered from a low-grade depression that ran in my family (still do). The numbing buzz I discovered while drinking was a shortcut to an instant relaxation that I simply couldn’t find anywhere else.
Until I was in my mid-twenties I drank whenever I could, but my drinking stopped short of all-out destructive behavior. I considered myself a social drinker, and most of the people I drank with would have thought the same about me.
As fate would have it, I fell in love with and got married to a man who grew up in the Napa Valley wine industry, and we both made our living making and marketing wine.
Drinking became a part of every aspect of my life. My work revolved around promoting wine, my nights and weekends were spent drinking it, and every other activity in which I participated involved discovering, tasting, buying, storing, writing about and thinking about wine. It got to the point where I wouldn’t consider doing anything unless wine was somehow involved.
Going for a walk on the beach was tolerable only because there was a seafood place that poured one of my favorite chardonnays nearby. Working in my garden became sipping in the sunshine. Shopping outings were punctuated by a stop at the wine bar. Meeting a friend for lunch would often become drinking until ten o’clock at night. I threw wild parties. The cops came to my house for noise complaints nine times over a period of two years.
My drinking escalated as my marriage fell apart. I don’t think it takes an addiction expert to point out that situation of great stress can escalate escapist behaviors. But I actually experienced a year or more that found me breaking into night sweats if I didn’t have several drinks before bed. That’s when I got real honest with myself that – even though I made no effort whatsoever to quit – my relationship with alcohol was officially destructive.
But it’s taken me years to overcome it.
My first attempts to control my drinking included drinking water at parties until 9 p.m. in the hopes that I wouldn't get so completely hammered. The result of that was that, when 9 p.m. hit, I did all I could to catch up, and then drank until 2 a.m. Fail.
Then I cut out all hard alcohol. Then I only drank Thursdays through Saturdays. Then I tried the one glass of wine, one glass of water method. Then I gave up and just drank what I wanted whenever I wanted, thinking it was just a lost cause anyway. On nights that I wasn't able to drink for one reason or the other I suffered sleeping difficulties, night sweats and dark thoughts.
I knew I was a problem drinker long before I was able to tell anyone. And I knew it, really knew it, many years before I took any real action to quit.
Part of my problem with alcohol was that, since I made my living in wine for so long, my suggestion that I might need to cut back on my drinking was met with resistance. No one would accept that I had a problem because this level of drinking was no more or less than anyone else in our circle. I begged my husband to help me pay to go to rehab, but he refused. Drinking was just part of our lifestyle, he said, and I just needed to learn to control myself.
I tried to control myself, but the fact was that I was addicted to alcohol and I needed more than willpower to pull myself together.
You may not work in the wine and spirits industry, but since you picked up this book, I’m guessing that drinking is just “part of your lifestyle,” too. You might be questioning just how much it’s affecting your work, relationships, energy level and wallet. You might wonder what your life would look like if you quit drinking for a while.
I’ve worked one-on-one with a therapist, I’ve gone to AA meetings and read every book I could get my hands on that had anything to do with drinking. I've participated in some very successful hypnotherapy to help learn how to relax without chemicals. It’s been a long, lonely process to get to the point where I can feel like it is actually my choice to drink or not. Because even though I was successful, well liked, DUI-free and a happy-seeming drunk, the undeniable truth is that for over a decade I drank because I had to.
What I’ve realized from this thorough study is that one of my barriers for quitting drinking is the prevailing wisdom (and good advice in most cases) that in order for me to control my drinking I must never, ever drink again.
I’m a disciplined person, and I rarely shy away from a challenge. But I’ve found that this “never” thinking actually kept me from quitting. Looking out at the rest of my life without a drink was just too daunting. The AA folks wisely take things “one day at a time” for this very reason. But I had projected that “one day at a time” to be a soul-crushing, endless march of joyless days. And the fact that I kept drinking while pondering this made me even less likely to make a change. Daily drinking in any amount affects your ability to think and reason.
That’s why I wrote Seven Days Sober. If you're a daily drinker who is concerned about the affect drinking is having on your life, I propose here that you take a short, week-long break from drinking to determine your next steps. Seven days is a small, manageable amount of time that will allow you to take a breather from drinking in order to give yourself an opportunity to evaluate your habit, your addiction or your choice with a clear head.
This book is not about encouraging everyone in the world to quit drinking. It’s not even about encouraging you to quit drinking. What this guide will do is allow you a thoughtful time out from what has become a habit, pattern or hobby in order to help you arrive at a complete understanding of your relationship with alcohol. Or, more simply, you’ll have some time – just for you -- to dip a toe into an alcohol-free pool to see if it suits you.
This book is not designed to be a substitute for a legitimate alcohol rehabilitation program. It's simply a brief guide to taking a break from drinking so you can evaluate whether or not your current level of drinking works in your life. If you are experiencing painful withdrawals, vomiting, sweats, dehydration, dark thoughts, hallucinations or any other physical or mental issues as a result of stopping drinking, seek medical help immediately.
This is not something to be taken lightly -- people die from alcohol withdrawal.
If you have a drinking habit that is completely overshadowing your life, if you have had recurring legal troubles as a result of your drinking, if you are isolated and alone, Seven Days Sober may not be the plan for you. I encourage anyone who needs it to seek professional help at any time during the course of the book, be it right now or when the Seven Days Sober journey is complete.
If you're a social drinker, a binge drinker or someone who is just curious what life might be like without your nightly vodka tonic, give Seven Days Sober a try. What you decide to do about your drinking at the end of the week is up to you. You may discover that the amount you drink is perfectly fine for you goals and your lifestyle. You may learn that you have a more serious problem that requires treatment. Or you may find that living alcohol-free is an effortless choice and you decide to never uncork a bottle or mix a martini ever again. The point is that it’s your decision.
Like anything that we’re motivated to do, the enthusiasm out of the gate makes the early days a snap. The few days may be a breeze for you, and that’s great! But you could start to hit some emotional walls. You might feel that you’ve had success instantly so you start to think you can “reward” yourself with a drink because you’ve been so disciplined.
I encourage you to stick with sobriety for just seven days. You can read the entire book at once, or you can take it day by day -- or both. Be sure to check out the Special Section at the end that includes Sixty Things to Do While You're Not Drinking. There are several great suggestions in there for how to fill the time that's been left empty now that you're not drinking.
Read all the pages. Answer all of the questions in writing or in your own mind. Take the advice. Use the Special Section. When you’ve reached your eighth day, you may decide to reach for a drink – or you may walk away from alcohol for good. But I promise you that your perspective on drinking and the role that drinking plays in your life will be dramatically different no matter what your decision.
Sincerely,
Meredith Bell
Before You Begin
The Decision to Quit (For Now)
People quit drinking for lots of different reasons. I’ve learned from personal experience that a “rock bottom” situation isn't always necessary for many of us to think we’ve probably had enough. Maybe it’s just one bad night of embarrassing behavior that haunts your memory – or worse – one bad night you don’t remember at all. It’s possible that you’ve just gotten into a three martini or one bottle of wine habit that leaves you feeling debilitated rather than exhilarated. Maybe you have a medical issue that isn’t compatible with drinking, or maybe you just want to rid yourself of all of your unhealthy habits. Some people quit simply for financial reasons – and that makes a lot of sense, too.
It doesn’t matter why you’re taking this break. The point is not to pore over every slurred word, hellacious hangover or disastrous decision. The point of your seven days is to refocus your thoughts about your drinking while simultaneously discovering ways to spend your time that contribute to your well-being rather than robbing you of it.
There are a few simple steps that are required to get started on this journey. None of these changes are permanent – it’s only seven days. Although you should be able to complete these first steps with relative ease, a little anxiety is to be expected. Work through it. Change is stressful for most people, but it’s important to take a moment to acknowledge that you are embarking on a journey that may be frightening for you and then do it anyway. Facing your fears is something that becomes easier once you’ve been sober for a while. A clear mind is an amazing anxiety reducer.
Here are the things you should do right away:
Buy or print out a wall calendar that encompasses your seven days sober time frame. You don’t have to put this in a public area, but do hang it somewhere you can see it. The calendar serves as a visual reminder not only of how much time you have left, but how much you have already accomplished. Mark every day you spend completely sober with an “X.” It seems simple and hokey, but I find that scratching those “X” marks at the end of the day makes me feel like I am in control of my time rather than the other way around.
Remove alcoholic beverages, mixers and other alcohol-related consumables from your home. At the time I did my first real seven days sober, I had left my husband and our massive wine cellar behind. The small apartment I lived in was alcohol free and I didn't go out and buy anything new. If you have a stash and can dump the booze then go for it. Pouring it down the drain, giving your bottles to friends or just recycling them are all great ways to make a physical break from your drinking habit.
Tell a friend or family member what you’re doing. You don’t have to tell them why but just letting someone else know your plan – and asking for their support – is a great way to stick to your guns. Choose wisely. Telling your most favorite drinking buddy that you're cooling your jets for seven days may result in a concerted effort to talk you out of it. Tell a long-distance relative, your pastor, a teacher or someone who doesn't have a vested interest in your continued drinking. An even better solution is to pick a friend to complete the seven days sober plan along with you. That way you can check in with each other and provide support when needed.
Come up with a reward. When you’ve been sober for the entire seven days, give yourself a little treat. I like to take myself to a spa, but you could treat yourself to a fancy meal, a trip, a million dollars – anything that works to keep you excited and engaged in this experience.
Look at your seven days as a gift, not a punishment. I was having a gossipy girls' lunch with a friend of mine recently who was telling me about the problems her husband was having adjusting to a major life change. He was bought out of a business that he helped to found and grow, and he was having a really difficult time figuring out what to do next. He spent a lot of time puttering around the house, and his drinking had taken a turn for the worse. As a person who worked in the alcohol industry since he was a teen, he had participated in his fair share of heavy drinking, but without the structure of full time employment it seemed that his drinking had taken on a different tone. The booze was harder, the nights were longer, the drinking started earlier… But what my friend was really focused on was that he needed to find some real work to snap him out of his downward spiral.
I suggested that he might just need to take a few days off from drinking to pull himself together. Just a week or so to relax, take a few walks and with newfound clarity tackle the next phase of his life. I in no way suggested that he needed to quit for good, just for now. To get a grip.
Her response chilled me, and I think about it all the time when I get a little craving for a glass of wine. She said, "If he stopped drinking, wouldn't that just be sad?"
Sad? Taking a break from a substance you don't need and that is clearly standing in the way of your forward progress is sad? Taking a break from your nightly buzz to re-focus on the things in your life that you really want is sad? Looking at your life through clear eyes to create an actionable plan to meet your goals is sad? I guess it's sad if you view getting ripped and hungover as a reward for your hard work, a symbol of a life well lived or something you've earned. But let's get a little perspective – it's only a few days, after all.
It's not sad to say no to alcohol for a little while. What would be truly sad is if you kept drinking to run away from the problems you need to face rather than dealing with them and building the life you've always dreamed of.
This week, I encourage you to embrace your seven days of sobriety with joy, enthusiasm and vigor. There is nothing sad about taking control of your life.
There’s a wonderful quote in Allen Carr’s book, The Easy Way to Stop Drinking. He says that after you complete his program you’ll change your thought from “I don’t get to drink anymore” to “I don’t have to drink anymore.” I love that sentiment, and will rephrase it here for our purposes: You don’t have to drink for seven days. You can step away from an addictive substance that you know isn’t healthy, that makes your thinking muddled and that depletes your energy. You simply don’t have to do it. For seven days, you’re free. And if you choose to see it as a gift you will be thoroughly rewarded with better sleep, more free time, an energetic outlook and the serenity that comes with knowing you’re more in control of your life than ever before.
Schedule your seven days at a time when you can be successful. It’s admirable that you’d want to take on a week of sobriety during your sister’s wedding week, before graduation or as your family reunion approaches. I fully support that – especially if you believe that sobriety during these events will help you enjoy them more (it will). But I ask you to be realistic about your decision and to try your seven days when you know you can accomplish them. Don’t sabotage yourself.
If you can, remove events where there will be drinking from your schedule. When I first started with seven days sober I found it easiest to just eliminate after work bar trips, weekend dinner parties and evenings out with the girls so I could take the sober life for a test drive. It was just easier for me. However, if you find that this is impossible, I have shared some tips in Day Two on how to sail through these events soberly.
Ask for medical help if you need it. If you are experiencing serious detoxification issues such as shakes, sweats, hallucinations or physical pain, I urge you to see a doctor immediately. I will repeat: This is not something to be taken lightly -- people die from alcohol withdrawal. This guide – savvy as it may be – is not designed to provide the qualified medical assistance you need for a severe and overwhelming detoxification process. You and your doctor should decide how you should proceed with any treatment.
Keep a journal if you'd like, or at least be prepared to spend some time on the questions posed for each day. At the end of each day's "lesson" there are some questions and ideas that you're encouraged to ponder. I've tried to provide some queries that would get you thinking about your drinking in ways you may not have up to this point. The idea is not to judge you or put you on the spot in any way – only to allow you to get an assessment of how you're really feeling about the role alcohol plays in your life.
Ignore Your Inner Voice
Like a dear friend who you love but who gets you in trouble with their constant need for rowdy shenanigans, your inner voice is going to work like hell to get you off track. It's going to say things like:
"You haven't had a drink for two days! Congratulations. Problem solved. Now gimme a drink."
"What's just one? You can have one drink tonight – that's not really considered 'drinking.' Just one. A small one. And then you can stop."
"You had a difficult day. Your boss is an asshole, your mom's mean, the kids are driving you crazy. You can't get through this without a drink."
Ignore! Ignore! Ignore! Do not pay any attention whatsoever to your inner voice. You can't trust it right now. When it gets going, simply explain to it that you have made a decision not to drink this week so it needs to shut up. And then ignore it some more. Your inner voice cannot be trusted with anything this week.
This is Not the Week for Major Life Changes
Taking a break from drinking – any amount of drinking – is enough for now. The idea here is to pause, reflect and renew so that you can approach your relationship with alcohol with a better understanding of its role in your decisions, your health, your happiness and every other aspect of your life. I caution you against using your newfound energy to make a clean sweep of everything that's not working for you.
I strongly recommend against the following actions during your seven days sober:
Breaking up with a spouse or partner
Moving
Quitting your job
Starting a new job
Finally telling your family/mother/father/best friends what you REALLY think of them
Getting married
Starting or quitting school
Starting a new hobby
Starting a new romantic relationship
Changing your haircut or hair color
Getting a tattoo
You might suspect that these major life changes would make it difficult for you to stay sober, and that's actually true. But that's not why I'm cautioning you against it. I believe that this program is most effective when you are living your life just as it is now. It's the only way to truly discover your true relationship with alcohol, not the relationship you have with alcohol when major parts of your life are completely new, fresh and different. Basically if something major changes simultaneously you're not going to get a really accurate picture of your drinking habits and beliefs. Keep things the same just for this week to see where you land at the other side.
However, if you recently completed some of these major changes and are trying seven days sober as an addition to a positive life change, then that's terrific. And if you make the decision while you're sober for seven days to take on any of these things when you're done, then you know you made the decision with mental acuity, and an attitude uninfluenced by mood altering chemicals.
You Can Keep Your Seven Days to Yourself
This is your private journey. You can stay home every night and read, watch TV and knit to get through your seven days. You can leave town and stay in a hotel, at a resort or housesit for seven days. You can do this as quietly as you choose. It is no one's business but your own, and if you decide to keep it to yourself that is a fine decision.
If you do decide to go this completely alone, be your own best friend. I have a tendency to beat myself up about how I used to behave when I was actively drinking. I feel regret and shame for the nasty gossip I spread, the hurtful things I said about my friends and family, the important events that I missed.
I caution you to avoid letting yourself slip into this kind of thinking. If you find yourself feeling ashamed, embarrassed, guilty or sad, talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend about the same thing. Would you continue to lambast him for the mistakes he made? Or would you tell him that the past is the past, and that he can make positive changes in the future, starting right now? Would you help him spiral down further into depression by calling him names, or would you comfort and soothe his battered spirit with uplifting words and gentle humor?
Be careful how you talk to yourself. Be supportive of your bruised ego and be gentle with the language you use with yourself right now. You're doing a good thing. And tomorrow is always another opportunity to make things right.
My First Time Quitting
My first real attempt at long-term sobriety wasn't my choice. Oh, I knew that I needed to quit, and I had gone one or two days without drinking before, but I never honestly considered quitting for good. What was different this time was that I was seeing a therapist to help me with the depression I felt throughout my marriage and my sadness that the marriage was ending. We were successfully addressing many of the emotional problems I had been struggling with, and I found the process to be incredibly rewarding. Even though it was very painful, I was developing insight into my condition and building trust with my therapist, who I thought was a very competent, intelligent and thoughtful partner.
I was about 12 weeks in to weekly, sometimes twice-weekly, sessions and seeing real progress. That's when she told me she would not work with me anymore unless I quit drinking.
She claimed that we would be unable to continue with any real work unless I got the alcohol completely out of my system and learned to deal with life soberly. To say this came as a shock is a massive understatement. I was doing so well! I was really getting somewhere! Did she really think I needed to quit drinking? How could this be if I was feeling so much better?
Her firm answer was that she would terminate our working relationship if I did not commit to attending AA meetings.
I drove home and collapsed on my floor, where I sobbed myself to sleep.
The next day, she took me to my first AA meeting. I remained sober for nearly two years.
Day One:
Begin at the Beginning
Congratulations! You are taking the first step toward a better understanding of the role drinking plays in your life. This is your time to press the reset button, clear the cache and face the reality of your drinking head on. This is not a punishment or a reproach in any way. In fact, this seven day sober time out is a small gift you're giving yourself, a slight nudge toward living a more fulfilling life with or without alcohol.
On this first day you're going to spend a little time preparing your mindset for the rest of the week. I'm going to explore some of the expectations and emotions you may experience and offer some advice on how to best handle each one. I've experienced everything on these pages and can tell you with certainty that, although you may be very uncomfortable at times, you will be very glad that you stuck with it at the end. Just stick with it!
There Are No Epiphanies
Throughout all of my years of drinking I kept waiting for that “movie moment” where a certain event, action or decision would result in complete clarity – a moment where my next steps would be illuminated in glorious golden light. A moment that would instantly snap me into some sort of resolve I hadn’t been able to muster on my own, despite numerous warning signs. We see this magic moment all the time in films and on TV. The hero witnesses something life changing and never again cheats on his wife, takes another drink, steals money from orphans, beats his kids… Or the epiphany instantly fills him with motivation to pen his novel, train for that marathon, apply to night school or any number of other things that would be life changing in a positive way.
If you’ve been waiting for the epiphany that makes quitting drinking absolutely effortless, stop right now. It’s not coming. There are no epiphanies. Epiphanies are made up by screenwriters to make their storylines fit into 90-minute blocks of time. No one is interested in a movie that shows the actual minute-by-minute effort that goes into making true and lasting change.
Real change happens day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute. True accomplishment is measured in small, seemingly simple decisions. Will I head to the bar with my friends this afternoon or will I go for a hike? Will I flip through the channels before I go to bed or will I spend an hour working on my book? Will I drive to McDonald’s or to the gym? Will I mix one more cocktail or will I put myself to bed?
There are no epiphanies. If you can get your head around this one life lesson, your ability to make better decisions will increase with practice in every single moment. Stop waiting for the sky to open up and for flashes of brilliant light to make your life work. It’s not coming. But know that your opportunity to make better decisions is happening right now, in this moment, always in this moment.
Emotions May Run High This Week
Although I am a big believer in the ultimate positive outcome of taking any-length break from drinking, I am not immune to some of the emotions that come along with abstaining from alcohol. Here are some of the things you may feel during your seven days. I ask you to remember: these feelings are just feelings. They are not permanent. The more you sit with them, the less overwhelming they will become.
Euphoria
At some point you may be so overtaken with energy that you feel you can pretty much accomplish anything. This is a wonderful feeling, but I caution you to approach it like you would any of your more “negative” responses. Exercise, take a brisk walk or tackle some of the projects at the end of the book when you’re feeling this way. Try to monitor it, though. Don’t take on a five-day project when you’re in this mood because it may not last. Enjoy it while you can, but if it goes away don’t beat yourself up about it. Moving through euphoria and back again is part of your emotions stabilizing. You’ve been influencing your emotional state with alcohol up to this point so it makes sense that you’re going to have some highs and lows that are seeking you to balance them with booze. Just take a breath, enjoy the high energy and relax.
Anxiety
I have a lot of personal experience with anxiety. I’m anxious when I drink and I’m anxious when I don’t drink, but the sober anxiety tends to be more manageable. If you’re feeling anxious about how you’re going to get through the next seven days, that’s completely understandable. It’s likely that you’ve been using alcohol as your main coping mechanism and without something to replace it you’re going to feel a bit like you’re on a high wire without a net. This is the addiction to the alcohol and the routine talking, and don’t let it talk you out of your plan. Anxiety is the normal condition of life. Without a little healthy anxiety we wouldn’t show up to work on time, wear our seatbelts or lock our doors at night. When anxiety comes knocking, call it out for what it is: a distraction from your task at hand. And remember, the best way to handle anxiety is to breathe deeply – not take a drink.
Boredom
If you’re accustomed to highlighting your day or the events you attend with an alcoholic beverage, it’s entirely possible that you will not know what to do with your free time. I drank every single day for about ten years, and when I finally decided to give it a rest I lacked the imagination to see what I would possibly do instead. I would get home by six, pour myself a tall (and by tall I mean TALL) glass of chardonnay and spend the evening chatting on the phone, watching reality TV and drinking. Would I exercise? Nope. Go for a walk? Never. Create something? Nah-uh. For the first few days after I quit I just sat on the couch and chewed my fingernails. Then I cleaned. Then I mustered up some courage and started discovering better ways to spend my time.
Over time I found that the things I enjoyed doing were no longer compatible with drinking. I discovered that I love to hike, practice yoga and write. I enjoy riding my bike, working in my garden and organizing my finances. You might find that you like to do other things with your time, but until you open up that space in your life and let in some boredom, you may not every be motivated to find anything to do other than drink.
Embrace boredom! If you find that the boredom is overwhelming, I invite you to check out the Special Section at the end of the book. It’s filled with clever ways to spend your non-drinking time and the resources to help you on your way.
Anger
“Everyone around me drinks, so why am I the one who has to quit?” “Why can’t I be allowed to have a few drinks and not feel like crap the next day?” “This is so stupid. Drinking is a part of my life and it’s going to be impossible for me to quit.” This is the anger talking, and it’s going to be loud. I was so angry and bitter when I was first told that I had a drinking problem that I was absolutely unbearable to be around. I just didn’t get why it is that I had to focus on my drinking while everyone else I knew was off blissfully imbibing whatever it is they wanted whenever they wanted and nobody was getting on their case about it.
I moved through the anger – the snapping at people, the lack of patience with absolutely everything – without a drink. When I got to the other side I became aware that my anger was really my fear talking. I was afraid that I couldn’t do it. I was terrified that I couldn’t quit drinking even if I wanted to. And I put this wall of anger up to justify why I shouldn’t even try.
The fact is that I don’t really know how other people’s drinking affects them. Maybe they do sail through a bottle of wine a night and wake up the next morning refreshed and ready to take on the day. Who knows? But that wasn’t my experience. Mine was one of blackouts, inappropriate behavior, vomiting and exhaustion. So I could be mad about that, and I was. I was furious. But I soon realized that if I channeled my anger into something positive, I stopped feeling mad and started to feel energized about my new life direction. Let others keep drinking if they want. But try to keep it in perspective. Quitting drinking for seven days isn’t anything to be all that angry about when you consider all the positive things you’re getting back.
Sadness
For many drinkers, including myself, saying goodbye to alcohol feels like a death. In many ways it is. If you’re really being honest about your drinking problem (if you, in fact, have a drinking problem) then at some point you will have to face that a part of you is going to go away and never come back. Be sad, but don’t worry. The part of you that you’re grieving for is your unhealthy part, the sick part of you that feels that it needs a chemical booster to get through the day. In Allen Carr’s The East Way to Quit Drinking, he makes a brilliant point that human body has everything it needs to manage its own stress – we don’t need outside chemicals. The unhealthy part of you has tricked you into thinking that it needs alcohol to function. You don’t.
But that doesn’t mean that you won’t mourn the loss of this crutch. I saw a comedian once – I wish I could remember whom because I would love to offer the credit here – who said that quitting drinking was much harder for him than quitting smoking. When asked why, he responded that “you don’t ever sit around with your friends and say remember that time we bought a pack of cigarettes and stayed up all night talking?” The alcohol has been part of your friendships, part of your mealtime rituals and part of your nightly unwind routine. You may feel like you’re losing a friend.
There are two things to remember when the sadness washes over you: 1) You’ve only committed at this point to seven days. Your friend just went on a vacation. 2) If you do decide to say goodbye forever at the end of this journey, you’re saying goodbye to a friend who stole your money, stole your time, brought unnecessary drama and anxiety to your life and who continually zapped your energy. Feel sad, but see the sadness as a temporary blip. The real joy awaits you around the corner.
Regret
One of my major stumbling blocks in my sobriety are my sometimes overwhelming feelings of regret. Not only did I screw up relationships, jobs and opportunities with my drinking, but I robbed myself of some really productive years. There are some things that passed me by that now, because of my age, I'll never be able to do again. There are also some people whom, because of my carelessness, I'll never be able to speak to again. There were some great jobs that I should have had that I didn't take because I was too focused on my drinking.
Case in point: After I had been in the wine industry for a number of years I was feeling ready for a change. I applied for and got an interview with a very well respected national tea company. This was a really entrepreneurial group with an exciting philosophy not only about business but about life and simple pleasures. Despite the fact that I showed up to one of my interviews with a massive hangover, I was offered the job at an astonishing salary and I took it. I gave two week's notice at my other job and celebrated a few days of "short-timer's syndrome" – that joyful condition experienced by those who are about to leave or change jobs.
I drank like a rock star every night, and drove to my current job hungover every morning. About a week in to this all-out revelry, I started to get worried. I was a heavy drinker who stayed up late every night with my best friend, chardonnay. Every morning was an endless set of machinations designed to hoist me out of hangover hell. But in the wine business, this behavior was sort of overlooked. I could get away with being a little sluggish in the mornings simply because most other people at my office were in the same boat.
I worried that these tea drinkers might not be so supportive. They may expect me to hit the ground running at 8 a.m. sharp instead of lingering around the soda machine until noonish. They may not shrug it off if I show up a few minutes late because I just couldn't get my shit together in the morning. They may not find a high-functioning alcoholic funny, cute or "just one of us."
After a few days of handwringing, I called the man who was to be my new boss and told him I wasn't going to take the job. I didn't tell him why, but I knew in that moment that I was cementing my future as a heavy drinker – and I just didn't care. At that point I was in full blown addiction and I would have done anything, even sabotage my career, to keep feeding the beast. I found a new job in the wine industry and I kept up my old drinking pattern for several more years because I could hide it in plain sight.
I still see ads for the tea company, and I buy their wonderful products all the time now since I no longer buy wine! But I always wonder what might have been if I had taken that job and gotten sober sooner.
The point is that we all have things we've done to preserve our drinking that we can beat ourselves up about. You may regret the way you talked to your kids one night. You may regret driving home from the bar. You may regret not having children because you didn't think you could quit drinking for nine whole months (that was also me). You are not alone in regret. Everyone has been there.
To deal with regret I have to acknowledge the feeling and be honest with myself that yes, this did happen and, yes, it is my fault. But then I spend a few minutes thinking about all the things in my life for which I am currently very grateful. Wonderful things that I may not have at all if I didn't make some bad decisions along the way.
Loneliness
For a lot of us drinking is a social activity. For many of us it’s our main social activity. We gathered our buddies after work and got the blender going or popped the corks. We hung out at all-day barbecues where there was loads of beer and burgers. We look forward to our girls’ nights or our guys’ nights where we drink too much and get silly.
If you’ve decided to forego some of these activities this week while you’re not drinking you might feel lonely. If you go to these activities are the only one not drinking, you still might feel lonely.
Loneliness is a tough emotion to tackle because sometimes it’s simply the by-product of something else. For example, how many times have you been in a room full of people and still felt lonely? How many times have you been completely alone and not felt lonely at all?
You see, loneliness can often be a manifestation of the sadness or a depression we feel from being unable to really connect with people. Oprah Winfrey once said something that really resonated with me. She said, “All people just want to be seen.”
In my own drinking journey, the crux off all of my sadness, anxiety and loneliness came from my desire to be truly seen. I used alcohol to connect with people on some level, but it was artificial. I was just as lonely as before, only now I was also throwing up in my hostess's backyard and passing out on her coffee table.
Look at your loneliness to see where it really comes from. Do you miss the drinking or are you longing for a real, intimate connection based in reality? Reflect on this feeling of separateness to see if it’s really true – are you really alone? Or are you just afraid to share the deeper part of yourself? The deeper part you’re covering up with alcohol?
Screwed Up Sleep
This isn't really an emotion, but when your sleep patterns get out of whack it can send you into an emotional tailspin. If you drink every day it's quite likely that your brain is reliant on the relaxing effects of alcohol to help you drift off. When you remove the sedative your brain simply might not know how to calm down. Don't worry. This is an extremely common side effect of quitting drinking and it will only last a few days. My best advice is to not panic, just use the time while you're awake to take on some of the activities at the end of the book. The Japanese have a belief that when the mind refuses to sleep, it's because there is a problem it wants to be working on. Embrace your insomnia and use the time for reflection, going for a walk, finishing up that work project or simply catching up on some reruns. It may be a bit frazzling, but it will pass. And when it does, the deep, satisfying sleep you enjoy while sober will surprise you.