Four-Hundred and Twenty Characters
By Tanya Schatzman
Copyright 2012 Tanya Schatzman
Smashwords Edition
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Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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I’m from Cleveland, Ohio. Jesus and I are mad cool. I spend my days working on how not to work for the rest of my life.
These are pieces of my life in the length of a Facebook status.
All true. All foolish. All Status-ready.
I banned the 'Sleepy Beauty game' from the kids at daycare cuz all them lil kids really wanted 2 do was kiss each other N the mouth. Triflin 4 year olds.
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I saw a lil boy take a nasty fall down the steps comin from the pool. He got up like a G & didn’t even kno his chin was bleedin. I was like, aw man, I should tell him. WRONG. He saw blood & went NUCKIN FUTS. So I calmed him & walked him home, makin sure he didn’t pass out. Awkward moment when a stranger brings a bleedin child home 2 mom.
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I was visitin a friend. It was late. I had never been there before. My phone DIED N mid-direction givin conversation. Luckily, I had my wall charger. I stopped at every broke down gas station, unplugged their vending machines & stood there on the phone. Then, I had 2 switch 2 house porches & HOPE no one saw me & called the police.
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My friend told me this man N St. Louis pulled a woman's head off on a public bus, a couple years ago. Like, yanked her head clean OFF her shoulders & she died on the steps by the door...Ummmmmm no he didn't. Show me CNN’s coverage on that story.
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My friend gone say...'Do I really have 2 actually READ the Bible, or can I Google it?' Ahhhhhh hell bound! ...How U gon Google the Gospel. Ask Jeeves bout Salvation. Wikinewtestament.
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I’m completely against dudes with hoop earrings. Especially LARGE ones that dangle back & forth, hittin Ur chin when U walk...then when U throw N a slick back, slashed shirt & skinny jeans....I hate U. & it's hard 4 me 2 hate somebody...but U made me.
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I think it’s funny when Black people R singin 'White music' & then look at U like, 'yeaaa, I listen 2 EVERYTHING' like they should get a reward 4 knowin Miley Cyrus's ‘The Climb’. No, I'm not impressed. I'm lookin at U like this cuz you’re loud. & we're N Kroger.
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I’m part-timing it at Macy’s, right...I promise i'ma get fired. I can bite my tongue but my facial expressions do me N. Like when nice, super sized people R tryin on petites wonderin Y the arms R tight & need help gettin outta the shirt...do better.
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I was talkin 2 my friend last night, who recently became a strip- errrr…. Adult entertainer (Can't knock the hustle). But Y is she is out on medical leave cuz she got a lil ambitious on the pole & pulled her hamstring doin some crazy acrobatic split, tho…
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I was WEAK at this lil pre-k aged girl...it was art time & all the kids were drawin pictures of their families. She drew hers with PUBIC HAIR. She showed it 2 me & my eyes teared up tryna not laugh N her face. That’s not goin on the classroom wall, lil girl.
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I watched a dude make it rain, throwin 20’s on the floor during this TERRIBLE middle-of-the-club break dance bboy type performance. My friend snatched it up soooo fast. He was like, ‘can I get it back?’ DENIED. 10 minutes later, he was like, ‘4 real tho, lemme have it.’ NO. We were leavin & dude SNAPPED screamin like, eff U, that’s effed up...so she told security we were being harassed. Later, we got White Castle. Thanks, bboy.
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I definitely got food stamps! Sure, I may not have a couch or sufficient home accessories but I got steak, shrimp & 5 kinds of breakfast bars. I'm eatin so good on the floor by candlelight...
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I need my friend 2 get a better choice of weapon. She sleeps with a mini hammer under her pillow. Ummm people have GUNS. Unless you’re buildin a bird feeder, U won't make it...
I met a girl who used 2 B deaf. She said she woke up one day & could all of a sudden hear. I support it. I love miracles & the unbelievable stuff. But she still SOUNDS deaf & I feel terrible 4 wantin 2 laugh, everyday. We were on break together, yesterday & she was talkin SOOOO loud & I was RIGHT there. Like, 2 feet away. I was OVERLY attentive tryna compensate 4 my inner @$$hole...
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I got a plan 4 when I quit. I'll give em 2 weeks, but on the last day, I'm stealin ALL the glitter out of ALL the classrooms & throwin it up & down the hallways & all N the director's office...then I’ma drop the bottles like sexual chocolate & walk out. Clean that up B!!!!!!!!tch. U can try but U gon B OH so sparkle-y forever.
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I had a convo with a girl pushin 12 or 13 who still FULLY believes N Santa. I feel like that’s unacceptable. She must B homeschooled. Cuz if UR parents let U still believe… Ur peers wouldn’t. I don’t kno when I stopped, but it was well b4 I couldn’t order off a kids menu.
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I always crack up at kids jus learnin how 2 cuss & think its SOOOO cool…cuz they’ll walk home from school being all loud & cussin 4 NO reason like, ‘B!!!!!tch I got all my muthaf*(kin stars N class & got a damn blow pop. Is U serious? I was like hellllllll naw Mrs. Klein's @$$ kno I shoulda got my G-D Reese's cup, I SWEAR I hate her @$$.’ Mannnn I be N the car WEAK like ALL yall prolly N basement classes.
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I put these jeans on a chair N my room 2 dry after I washed em & went 2 sleep. Mannnn I woke up N the middle of the night & saw legs like somebody was sittin there & scared the sh!t outta myself. I tensed up but couldn't even move, tho. I woulda been one of those cases where the coroner was like, 'there R no defense wounds' ...jus dead.
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I went 2 Jack N the Box's drive thru & heard barkin when I got 2 the window. I said, ‘sir, is there a dog where my food is gettin made?’ He said, ‘yea.’ I said, ‘yeaaaa that’s def not allowed or sanitary. I’ma need an extra shake & medium seasoned curly fry b4 I call this # on the back of the receipt.’ Got eeeeem.
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I have a job interview N bout an hour. After 10 minutes in, I’ma jus B like 'whoa, whoa cut the small talk- we got a deal or no? I don't have time 4 this.' I figure that will show leadership ability & initiative. Then, I'ma B like, 'well, Y don't U think bout it & let me kno. Here's my card.' & walk out. That should show I'ma big deal. Only big deal people have cards & a planned exit. I'm N there.
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I was at Walgreens. This lil boy walked up 2 me & asked if I wanted 2 buy a coupon book 4 some fundraiser. There was an awkward silence cuz lil dude had the same hair as the brother from the parent hood- the part down the middle & the chili bowl braids. I'm like, not if these coupons R from mid 90's, too, cuz I’m positive they're expired.
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I was watchin Gangland & saw it was on Nashville, so I turned it up. I saw pictures of a bloody murder at an intersection 6 seconds from my house. I said, aw sh!t. The Brown Prides wear Cleveland Browns jerseys & khaki dickies & commence 2 murk lives…so I’m callin 911 on every Browns jersey. I knew they couldn’t REALLY B fans.
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I was runnin yesterday, iPod blarin, zoned out when this car rolled up on my right & signaled 2 me. I pause, take my headphones out & this woman says 'B careful, there’s a dog behind U.' I turn around & this random stray dog is runnin up. The car pulls off. So, I’m alone N the street tryna show no fear so this dog don’t maul me…but I’m thinkin dangggg I couldn’t get a ride 2 safety tho?
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I was approached by a dude: HIM: Vanessa? ME: (smile) umm, no HIM: oh, U look like a Vanessa. what IS UR name? me: Tanya. HIM: 615.290.8549? ME: what? no (confused) HIM: oh, that looks like UR number. what IS UR number? ME: WEAAAAAAAK
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I was standin N line behind this lil boy at CVS that couldnta been older than 12. He had gum, deodorant & condoms. WHAT R U strokin lil boy? I feel like they musta been 4 an older siblin or something. I wouldnta sold em 2 him without proper ID. AND he rode his bike 2 the store cuz I followed him out.
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I was at work & the girl next 2 me was inputtin a man's info N the system. He was from some small town N Kansas. She was lookin at the drop down menu & goes, 'Omg Tanya. Kansas isn’t N here. It jus goes from California 2 Colorado, what should I do?' I'm like, spell it right, ass.
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I was weak at the people buyin the bologna sandwich breakfast meal at Hardees. 1, that U go thru with the order with a straight face. 2, that U have a taste 4 public bologna. 3, that U spent hard earned money that prolly ain't N abundance 2 buy the symbol of poverty. Save up a few bucks & get U some sausage or something.
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I was at work, washin my hands N the bathroom. U kno how when U look N the mirror U see people's feet N the stalls behind U…? This lady had the LARGEST draws at her ankles. Like, the elastic was around the actual ankle but all the fabric folded OVER her shoes & onto the floor. I got soooooo weak at the sink like how is that possible...jus huge.
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I found an old tape with '93.1 Jamz' written on it. I used 2 record the mixes off the radio like it was my JOB. I stayed with a fresh box of blank tapes. I duct taped a radio with the sky high antenna 2 my handlebars, thru a couple playin cards on my wheels with the clothes pins & was ridin OH so classy bumpin Tag Team. We used 2 fill up our super soakers with bleach & eff ALL the kid’s clothes up on the street & scream ‘whoop there it is!’
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My cousin had a very odd lookin baby a couple years back. She sent me a picture soon after she was born & I had 2 really take it in. I haven’t seen her N years so she sent me another picture & the baby is the cutest lil toddler. I had little faith tho...but that seed blossomed 2 a mighty sunflower.
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watched IT last night & didn’t even cry. I used 2 B scared of the WHOLE bathroom. IT came out the sink, Candyman murked from the mirror, Freddy took lives N the tub, gremlins terrorized from the toilet. Eff that. I would jus pee N the bed & pretend 2 take baths. Hygiene was not worth dyin over.
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I almost got tricked by the toilet dream last night.
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My coworkers ask her 4 change every single day, like I don’t ever want anything out the vending machine. 55 cent here, 45 cent there...no exaggeration whatsoever, I give out $1,390.35 every week. & I never get baked ruffles cheddar N’ sour cream.
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I was walkin N my complex & this woman asked was I from Indianapolis. I said, ‘no, but I went 2 school there.’ She said, 'oh, I'm from there & I saw U had a Purdue plate on UR car.' 1) Y do U jus kno my car. She then said, '& I used 2 work at Macy's, too, what a coincidence.' Now, I have an old badge N my car, BUT 2) Y were U LOOKIN N my car. I don't like the way I felt after that convo...don't trust her. Creeper.
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I went out with dude & was scared 4 my life. Over tortillas & salsa he showed me his bullet wounds. Then my quesadilla came out & we were onto his only regret N life which was gettin a minor hooked on drugs & watchin her sell herself on street corners. I knew he had been in/out of jail so I asked Y he went the 1st time assumin it was drugs/guns...he said KIDNAPPIN. Nope, can't do it. I signaled 4 911 refusin 2 B a victim.
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I went 2 a friend’s house whose place used 2 have roaches. Yesterday, I get home & see an unidentified insect & went NUCKIN FUTS. I drowned it N raid, took pix & sent 2 everybody I knew askin what it was, TRIPPIN. I shook out & sprayed ALL my clothes with raid, on a MISSION at midnight. The verdict came back that it was a baby cricket. I swore I had roaches 4 like an hour. Gotta rewash all my clothes.
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I was talkin 2 this dude who said he was shot N his pinky finger. So random. He showed me his hand, & was like 'I haven't been able 2 move my pinky N 15 years'. Y was his pinky SOOOO smooth, tho. It had NO knuckle wrinkle lines whatsoever. I got TOO weak at that. I've never seen a pinky so flawless. But he can't bend it. Every time he drinks he looks so snobby.
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I was walkin back 2 my car last night, talkin & heard [ker-plack!] (sound of a gun shot). Turned around, 2 chicks dove bare-kneed 2 the ground behind a truck. A security guard ran PAST us with a cigarette like, 'RUN!'. It was only like 3 people outside...I thought I was hit. Felt like Vivica N set it off.
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I got blood drawn at this free health fair yesterday & this 6 ft, 275 lb man passed clean out behind me sprawled all out on the floor. Doctors/nurses rushed all over tellin me 2 move. Meanwhile, I got a needle stickin out my arm bleedin slow as HECK, so I’m against the wall holdin my own junk watchin the chaos. I’m like, can I get some help with this tube of blood- ill escort myself out.
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I was gettin my oil changed at bout 11pm N an apartment complex parkin lot, last night. Jus as we were finishin up, I look up & see a wolf/coyote thing prowlin N front of my car. Let’s talk bout how quickly I was N my car. All I kept thinkin bout was the discovery channel & how those creatures R MURDERERS. That & there gotta B more cuz they travel N packs like Jurassic park raptors.
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I got stuck on the highway 4 3.5 hrs last night. Car off, out of the car, 2012 type stuck. Some college kids thru on a banana & ape suit & chased each other between cars. I played 'I spy' with 5 yr old twins N the car behind me. The semi next 2 me gave me some chips & water. The sun went down & dude played a movie on his back headrest. & I was 17 miles from my house...PISSED.
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I watched 3 dummies get fired from work yesterday. They asked me 2 help with there lil scheme & I told em they were STUPID & to quit talkin 2 me. They better B glad I didn’t get called N cuz I woulda snitched out the gate. I ain't got time 2 B unemployed. 1 gon text me 2 put N a good word 4 her, today. Please. Ur desk is already taken. I'll put N a good word on Careerbuilder.
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I was takin a picture of this chick’s jeans cuz she was bout 6 ft 2 & had gold lightning bolts down the side from her hip 2 her ankles. Her homegirl blasted me like, ‘U takin a picture?’ I said ‘HECK YES! It’s Christmas season I'm sendin a picture 2 my boyfriend cuz I GOTTA have them under my tree, girl.’ Both of em was like 'I kno that’s right' ...I DIED. TOO weak...teared up even.
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I go walkin N all black at dusk, keep 1 hand N my pocket at drug stores, pace around N empty gates at airports...jus act as suspicious as possible N public. The looks R priceless...folks B nervous as heck, I gotta start tapin em. If they only knew I was so weak inside...
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I was on a dummy mission & turned around N a house's driveway. I turned off my headlights so I wasn’t all rude @ 1 am & 4got 2 turn em back on. I drove bout 50 ft & slammed my brakes on cuz this big ass deer was CHILLIN N the street. I realized my lights weren't on, so put em on N the deer’s FACE (stupid) & pissed it OFF. I threw the car N reverse & PEELED on it on some fast & furious scared 4 life type junk.
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I seen this dude sleep at the light. My inner superhero came out & I had 2 save him. He did NOT wake up 2 horn blows. My friend was like, 'is he dead?' I'm like, 'maybe.' She jumps out, bangs on his window. Drunky didn’t wake till she OPENED his door. I see a cop at the intersection starin, waitin. My superhero subsided. Sleep dude peeled off & the cop pulled out behind him. He def got a DUI & I got waffle house.
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I was up at 4am with my only other friend that would B. I decided 2 make bacon, so I text her "I’m bout 2 make bacon.' She replied, 'mmm that sounds good' …but NOT 2 me- Accidentally 2 her boyfriend. He was a WEE bit mad when he saw it. At 4am, that’s DEF taken outta context. WHO is gon believe you’re talkin bout BACON at 4am? She was cheatin.
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I went 2 the Mexican dollar taco stand. Dude speaks ZERO English, so U jus point at what U want & hand over money. I got 4 .99 cent tacos & paid with a $20. He gave me back a $10 & 2 $5s. I was like ummm...I held the bills up & said 'no.' He said 'yes.' So I walked away...don't gotta tell ME twice. I tried, Jesus.
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I was N my car N a parkin lot, chargin my phone. It was a nice day, my windows were down & I was chillin listenin 2 Lil Wayne. This old White lady was gettin N2 her car next 2 me when the song was changing. Wayne came on WAY loud & vulgar like 'Pop that P&#$% & shake that ass!' She turned around with a face like 'What N the world..' I was stuck. I jus looked at her thinkin, man I jus solidified the stereotype.
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I was talkin 2 a friend & decided: N a flexin battle, there's no comin back after U get UR heart ate. U cant jus eat UR competitor’s heart after they already took urs, that’s wack. & if they had the balls 2 eat UR heart they already feel Like they got U. The only way out MAY B takin their brain, but that’s a toughie 2 pull off with no heart. U jus gotta re-battle & hope U get the heart 1st.
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I took a lil boy OUT at Walgreens. Kneed him straight N his chest. He took it like a champ, tho. I turned the corner on the aisle & he was runnin full speed around the other side. His mom was too weak...I felt horrid tho. Who jus TKO’s public children.
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I put olive oil N my tea, this mornin. Thought it was effin honey. Then. I got 2 work & saw my toothpaste N my purse. I don't kno what I meant 2 grab yet, but I kno I’ma B pissed when I figure it out. & I’m so hungry, but I’m too tired 2 chew.
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I was at the store & this old lady dropped her lil coupon book. I was walkin by & started 2 pick it up 4 her cuz she was 97, & she said 'uh-uh that's mine'. I said fine U old lady, pick it up urself. I still get my good points cuz I tried.
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I was walkin N2 Macys, holdin the door 4 this old lady & she literally collapsed on me. I caught her, but she was jus chillin, limp & nobody was around so I kinda dragged her 2 this chair. She said 'I’m ok, jus call my nephew' so I did & dude is N Arizona. He asked me, 'well, what am I posed 2 do from here?' Ummmm attitude from a stranger? Cool.
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I was N Wal-Mart, & cut across the fabric aisle. This woman was like, ‘can I ask U a few questions?’ She handed me this survey talkin bout sewin & junk I don’t do. She was handin out $20 gift cards 4 people who did it. I filled that thing out so fast, like how DARE U take away my fabric samples. I need 2 touch & visualize before I buy. & I don't want all pre-cut floral patterns. Where's my gift card.
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I got home & a package was outside my door. I got excited like, oooo who sent me something. I open it up with my keys & its 4 HUGE back fat slimmin Lane Bryant Bras. WTF?? I was salty at first like somebody got mass jokes...then I flip it over & it's clearly 4 a Marie Hardy. I done opened her package & got these parachutes sittin N my livin room. Now I'm embarrassed cuz I demolished the box. Def not payin 4 shipping.
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I work rich people's parties. This dude came N & asked was there a place 2 put his coat. I have a closet behind my desk, so after some intense quick thinkin, I said HECK YES. I wrote a number on a post-it 4 him & marked his hanger. I proceeded 2 do that with the rest of his 25 or so guests & walked out with bout $90 N tips. Settin up a coat check racket was my best decision of '09. By any means necessary.