Parenting
Strategies
Copyright 2012 by Deena Sao
Smashwords Edition
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each reader. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Dedicated to my parents, my in-laws, my Gentle Christian Mother friends and God, without whom I would not be the mom I am today
Table of Contents
Prologue
The Foundation: Nurture
Know Your Child
Discipline
Family Life
Education
Childhood Play
Rethinking Your Definition of Good Parenting
Bonus Tips
Study Guide
Prologue
I wrote this book because I've read a lot of other parenting books in which the featured family is, well, pretty darn perfect. It makes sense, because if you haven't had some semblance of success, then you can't be any kind of role model. Nevertheless, it was discouraging. Perhaps I was up against too many obstacles to even have a chance at good parenting. In these families the mom and dad went to church. Sigh. That was a pipe dream for me. Our family was far too dysfunctional. But then time went on, my kids got older and I proudly noticed that they weren't turning out half bad. One summer day we were at the beach and having the most wonderful time. Like a moment frozen in some sort of utopia - I looked at the scene in front of me and wondered, how is it that a family this dysfunctional can be this blissful? That contemplation led me to consider writing this book. I mean, doesn't every family have some sort of dysfunction? Wouldn't it be encouraging for people to know that good children can rise from even that? Our qualifications for dysfunction are impeccable:
A teenage, unmarried
mom
Mental illness
A high school drop out
A dad who spent
four years of his children's young life incarcerated
A single mom
struggling to survive
Poverty, bankruptcy, foreclosure,
homelessness
Addiction and anger
Despite our brokenness we are succeeding in raising good kids. Like a flower pushing through a crack in the sidewalk, our family perseveres. If we can do it, anyone can do it. You don't have much choice about the dysfunction in your family but the one thing you have complete control over is "the elephant in the room.” Call it out every time. That's the first step to dealing with your dysfunction. It's the only healthy way. It doesn't matter how embarrassing the dysfunction is. Alcoholism? Call it for what it is. "Dad's an alcoholic.” Sexual abuse? Don't pretend it never happened. Talk about it openly and honestly every single time the subject comes up. "Uncle Craig sexually abused children. He was a very bad man. He isn't allowed alone with children anymore. I will never let that happen to you (again- if, sadly, that word is necessary). I would protect you with my own life.” Your dysfunction probably isn't something you want to advertise, but don't let it be your family secret.
What you need to know
before reading this
We've all made mistakes. And we all believe in different variations
of child rearing. That's OK. The first chapter is about attachment
parenting. This can be a sensitive subject for some; particularly
moms. If you choose something different,
I don't judge you.
I say that in the chapter, but I want to repeat it up front. Read it
with an open mind.
If there are things you regret doing, don't languish over it. Guilt
over past mistakes does no one any good. Learn and move on. Start
today, with the children you have now and the babies and
grandchildren you may have in the future.
For the readers who do
not consider themselves a Christian
Sprinkled
throughout the book are references to the Bible. I do this because it
is meaningful to me. It is also meaningful to some of my readers. But
I do not think you must be a Christian to be a good parent. "Making
my child a Christian" is not even one of my parenting goals.
I speak
more about this in the last chapter: Rethinking Your Definition of
Good Parenting.
Study guide
instruction
Each
chapter has a matching study guide to go with it at the end of this
book. The first instruction for each chapter review is to highlight
or underline meaningful passages as you read them.
The Foundation: Nurture
Raising a child is the
biggest responsibility we can accept in life. It makes sense to read,
discuss and think about our parenting choices. There are methods that
are proven to be better for children than others. Taking the time to
learn about them can save a lot of time and heartache down the road.
There are so many facets and nuances of parenting - all very
important: discipline, education, play, family life; but the
foundation to raising healthy adults is where this book starts…
love.
Reactive Attachment Disorder - It happens when a mother doesn't
respond to her baby's needs. That child grows up to not trust people.
They manipulate, live in the moment and lack conscience. I have the
utmost respect for the parents who love these kids – many of which
are adoptive parents. They have the patience of a saint.
Unfortunately, not all RAD kids can be cured. They have to choose
to love and to trust again. Some of them never do. There is no magic
bullet. I think about RAD when I have a newborn baby. Being a mom to
a babe is a constant, never ending task, and yet, the most rewarding.
When she cries for me I would climb mountains to get to her. I think
of the babies whose mothers aren't responding - maybe they are dead
or gone - I'm not judging them, but for some reason a baby's cry is
not being answered. I imagine the pain in that baby's heart as I look
into my own child’s eyes and sing to her. I can understand how that
could make you never love again.
According
to a study in the December 2007 issue of Science
Magazine: babies in an orphanage compared to those never
institutionalized had a 26 point difference in IQ. Birth defects,
obvious medical problems and disabilities were all removed from the
equation for a fair comparison. Love, attention and attachment made a
twenty-six
point difference in IQ!
The opposite of neglect is spoiling. In any other context spoiling is
a bad thing, but spoiling a baby is perhaps the most vital task you
have in the first three years of parenting. It is the foundation to
healthy self-esteem. It enables that child to grow up and to love. In
our family, like most others, the baby is center of our love and
attention. If the toddler feels wronged - if he or she goes crying to
another family member that something has happened to them - we
immediately go to the offender and pretend to yell at them. We put on
a big show. Everyone smiles and winks at each other. It's just a
spectacle to make the baby feel special. And it works every time. He
or she feels vindicated. They feel that, no matter what, this family
has got their back. Sometimes they'll go through a stage in which
they start making up stories. "Casey hit me," the baby will
complain. I'll march into my son's room and demand in a stern voice,
"Did you hit Lilianna?! She says you hit her!" Sometimes
the child will look up in horror and defense. Then they'll see the
gleam in my eye and get the joke. I'll say something like "Bad
Casey! Don't hit Lilianna" and Lilianna will feel affirmed
and loved. I think she gets the joke too. But she loves it. I'm not
saying that this precocious toddler gets everything she wants.
Definitely not! But it is a gradual graduation to the next
stage. And never does that undying love come to an end. Every girl
needs to know that they are and always will be Daddy's little girl.
Gradually,
effortlessly, that baby will pass into the preschool years and start
to face the fact that the world does not revolve around them. They
will face the harsh reality that they don't always get their way.
They will discover the sad truth that the world is an unfair place.
But they will have the confidence to face this world because deep
down inside they know that they are loved. I have found that this
transition is spurned effortlessly by the arrival of a new baby. I'd
like to think that this is God's design for family. That there is
always a new baby to take the role of prince or princess as the
preschooler graduates from that role. And when Mom has hit menopause
and there are no more babies from her womb her first grandbaby comes
in the nick of time to prevent that last baby from being spoiled for
too long. I realize that this natural progression isn't necessarily
realistic in this society. Without that assistance from nature, a
parent must be more careful in reigning in their coddling as the
years progress.
Here is one woman’s story of how she lost the guilty feelings she
was having regarding attachment parenting and learned to just love:
I
am a planner and a researcher by nature. So when I found out I was
pregnant with my son I sought the advice out of women that I knew and
respected who had children. My own mom died when I was 19, and I felt
truly lost in many ways as I searched for the "right" way
to be a mom. I had a wonderful relationship with my mom, and I think
a lot of my angst in those first several months of my son's life was
because I just always felt like I was doing it wrong and that I
needed my mom there to help me.
One of the friends I ended up turning to was a friend who had four
children at the time. She recommended Baby
Wise so
I read it and it sounded like such a logical plan. I grew up in an
Evangelical home and attended an Evangelical college, and Ezzo's
admonitions against being "humanistic" in our parenting
practices really resonated with me. He set up the (false) paradigms
of doing it his way, which would lead to a respectful, God-fearing,
obedient child or
doing what those indulgent, undisciplined people who nursed their
babies on demand and rocked them to sleep, which would lead to a
fussy, clingy, spoiled baby who would think the world revolved around
him/her. Of
course!
I said to myself,
I don't want to have the second baby! I want the first one.
I just read the "secular" version of Ezzo's materials, not
Growing
Kids God's Way
and still the religious messages came through. Because of my
upbringing it really resonated with me and made me feel determined,
before my son was even born, that I wasn't going to raise him in that
"worldly, baby-centered, attachment-parenting way”.
I remember taking a breastfeeding class at the hospital where I was
going to deliver and even thinking, as they talked to use about
feeding on demand, "Oh, Ezzo said that lactation consultants
would tell us things like this that simply aren't true. I need to
just ignore this advice." After my beautiful, precious baby son
was born, and we came home from the hospital, I remember being so
petrified that I simply could not sleep, even though I was exhausted.
I was terrified that my son would stop breathing in his sleep. My
husband, who is Haitian, immediately put our son in our bed to sleep
and I freaked out and refused. He said, "But where else is a
little baby supposed to sleep? How are we going to know if he's warm
enough or if he needs us? Babies are supposed to sleep right next to
their parents!" I said I was too scared, and that we had to put
him in the bassinet next to our bed. I had a lot of trouble getting
him to nurse once my milk came in, on that first night home. I had
two lactation consultants come and visit in the following weeks. Yet
when they gently suggested lying in bed to nurse him and feeding him
on demand, I still
thought that these were exactly
the
type of people Ezzo had warned me against. It turns out that my son
had acid reflux and couldn't eat a lot at one feeding. He needed to
eat smaller bits more frequently. He woke up every 90 minutes and
because I was so convinced that co-sleeping was the worst thing I
could do I would nurse him and then hold him until he fell asleep. He
wouldn't fall asleep on his own, so I figured maybe holding him was
the best thing to try, because Ezzo seemed to say that nursing a baby
to sleep was the absolute worst thing to do. I remember calling one
of my mom's best friends in hysterical tears one night as I sat in my
rocking chair, rocking him to sleep, because I was afraid I was
creating a terrible habit. This dear woman, mom of three, told me to
throw all those ridiculous books away and just rock that sweet baby
to sleep because that's what moms do for their babies; that it was
normal, natural, and beautiful for me to do that. I tried to listen
to her but was still wracked with guilt that I was doing it wrong.
Those first six weeks are a blur of tears of frustration and anger
because I could not
get my baby on any sort of schedule, and he refused to do anything
that Ezzo said he should or would. I remember distinctly one morning
yelling at him (he must have been maybe 6-8 weeks old?) because he
woke up 90 minutes after eating and wanted to nurse again. Based on
Ezzo's advice, I should have just left him there to cry, because it
wasn't time for him to eat again....so I tried it. I put him in his
bassinet and let him cry. I was going to throw up. Praise God, my
husband came home from work in the middle of all of it and said "What
on earth are you doing? This is ridiculous. We are his parents. We're
both right here. What does he have parents for if we're not going to
go and get him when he cries?" He pushed past me, grabbed my
sweet baby boy, rocked him until he was calm and then gave him to
me.
After
that, I gave up on Baby
Wise
and just accepted that I was a failure of a mom and obviously just
didn't have it in me to be a disciplined person who could get a baby
on a schedule. I really and truly felt like a complete and utter
failure. I blamed myself for my son's sleeping and eating habits, but
I knew I couldn't keep following the "schedule" Ezzo had
told me would work. Then one night (and I really have to believe this
was the Holy Spirit's prompting) I Googled "Baby sleep issues"
and Dr. Sears' website came up. I read and read and realized, “Hey!
What my son is doing is not that out of the norm at
all.”
Then I found ezzo.info and it was literally like the scales fell from
my eyes. Sitting at the kitchen table, reading all of this
information about Baby
Wise, I
had a moment of pure relief and joy. My son woke up and, for the
first time in his short precious life, I didn't feel guilty about
going to nurse him. I felt empowered, I felt like I was free to do
what had been tugging at my heart this whole time...I could lavish
him with love and cuddles and snuggle and nurse him to my heart's
content and I wouldn't ruin him.
Truly, being set free from Baby
Wise
was one of the most liberating experiences of my life. I no longer
felt like a failure who just couldn't get with the program. Sleeping,
mostly due to my son's acid reflux, was still tricky for us, but I
stopped berating myself for it. I started wearing him in a wrap
during the day and going out for walks and not worrying at all if he
fell asleep in there. We started co-sleeping and I still do. I lay
down with him to go to sleep at night and he tries out all his words
while falling asleep, but "Mama" is his favorite. That's
how my precious little toddler falls asleep, with me by his side
rubbing his tummy, saying my name. If I had listened to Ezzo, I would
be missing out on all of this.
I think what I am most angry about with Baby
Wise is
that it stole away so many precious weeks from me in the beginning of
my son's life. I wish I could have just loved on him without all the
fear that Ezzo put into me about creating a spoiled baby. I am so
grateful that I found out the truth about biology and how God created
babies to eat and for moms and dads to nurture them. I just wish
someone had warned me about Baby
Wise,
or I had been educated enough to see it for what it was, before I had
my son.
An infant is in Ericson's
first stage of development: Trust
vs. Mistrust. To
master this developmental stage they must learn whether the world is
a dangerous place or a safe place. They must learn whether Mom and
Dad can be counted on or not. They need "maximum comfort with
minimal uncertainty.” This shapes their very core being; for the
rest of their life! This psychological understanding supports every
instinct we have to nurture and love our babies. It is also for this
reason I oppose infant swimming lessons - the kind where the baby is
taught to float until help arrives. Even if it mitigates the tiny
risk that a baby may drown, it is devastating to the development of
trust that the baby is learning.
Love is such an important ingredient in life that an unloved baby
will suffer from failure to thrive and can even die. Your first job
as a parent is to love in ways that the baby can understand: through
touch, voice, eye contact and meeting their needs. There is a culture
of parenting which I believe really grasps this concept of loving a
baby. It’s called “attachment parenting.” When I was a young
mom, of 18, I instinctively practiced attachment parenting despite my
lack of exposure to the concept or community. It wasn’t until my
fourth child that I had even heard the term! But love doesn’t
need a book or a name. A
mom's instinct is so beautiful and strong. I
co-slept and breastfed and I carried my baby around with me in my
arms everywhere. (A great bicep workout.) My static strength was out
of this world). When I went back to work full-time when my first born
was about nine months old, I continued to attachment parent as best
as I could. I would rush home from work and snatch him from my mother
in law. He was always crying hysterically for my milk. I would rush
him outside to the cold air which would get his attention, cool his
sweaty head, and calm him down. Then I would stick my nipple in his
mouth and give him the comfort and breastmilk he so desperately
needed. At home I would pretty much just lay in bed with him and
breastfeed him for the rest of the night - which didn't disturb my
sleep that much since I was co-sleeping. I could pretty much feed him
in my sleep, even if it was a lighter sleep. His reverse feeding
schedule eliminated the need for pumping at work. My supply didn't
suffer. (In fact, my fertility still didn't come back until he
self-weaned at 1 1/2). My (temp) job didn't last long. Thank
goodness. It was torture for both of us.
Bed sharing
Despite
my instinct, I was still confused by the messages I was receiving
from the mainstream. My son's first pediatrician told me at his very
first appointment that if I didn't get him in his own bed immediately
I would be coming back to her when he was 8 months complaining that I
couldn't get him in his own bed; as if the family bed is some sort of
travesty. I'd also read about "Ferberizing" your child,
which is all about getting them to sleep in their own bed. So, by the
time he turned one I was convinced that, as a good parent, I should
have him sleeping in his own bed (which was in his own room, on the
other side of the apartment). I had read that he would "cry it
out" but then eventually settle in. Well, he didn't. My husband
and I listened, tortured, as he cried hysterically for two
hours -
pulling on the doorknob which we had to duct-tape shut. Finally, we
couldn't take it anymore. We brought him to bed with us, angry that
we had listened to that ridiculous advice. We never let a baby cry it
out again. It went against every grain of our parental instinct - an
instinct that is there for a reason. An instinct meant to protect our
off-spring.
Sleeping with your baby is one of the most unaccepted forms of
attachment parenting in modern American society. (Though a lot more
people practice bed-sharing then admit to it). Some cities have even
put on ad campaigns against it. It is commonly believed that you risk
your baby's life every time you do it. But the science says
otherwise! Look closely at the so-called studies that conclude
that bed sharing is risky. They are often sponsored by crib or
formula manufacturers (because co-sleeping encourages breastfeeding).
Bed sharing is actually the safest place for your baby so long as it
is done in bed and not a chair or couch and never under the influence
of drugs or alcohol.
The risk of suffocation is actually lower.
"From 1980 to 1997, 75 percent of the mechanical suffocation deaths of US infants with a known place of occurrence took place in cribs, while 25 percent took place in adult beds." ~ September/October 2002 Mothering Magazine from the study:
Dorothy A. Drago and
Andrew L. Dannenberg, "Infant Mechanical Suffocation Deaths in
the United States, 1980-1997," Pediatrics 103, no. 5 (1999):
e59. (Note: in this study the word "mechanical"
included human cause).
The
risk of SIDS is lower.
“Sixteen percent of SIDS was attributed to bed-sharing and roughly 36% to the baby sleeping in a separate room.” ~Young J. Night-time behavior and interactions between mothers and their infants of low risk for SIDS: a longitudinal study of room sharing and bed sharing. PhD thesis: Institute of Infant and Child Health, University of Bristol, 1999.
Some of the reasons for a lowered risk of SIDS are:
The baby isn't trained to sleep for longer hours which lead to a deeper sleep.
Breastfeeding throughout the night also plays a vital role, perhaps also because it keeps babies from falling into a deeper sleep.
Bed-sharing babies who breastfeed naturally sleep on their back (or side).
The adult is always aware of the temperature of the child; both from observation and from her own feeling. As she adjusts her own temperature by removing blankets or covering up she also adjusts her baby’s temperature. Overheating increases a baby’s risk of SIDS.
The mother's breathing and heart rate help regulate the baby’s.
Most importantly, the mother is always in tune with her child; always within an arm's length. She wakes when there is a problem; apnea for instance.
The
American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t advocate bed-sharing, yet
they recognize the scientific proof that sleeping, combined with
breastfeeding, lowers the risk of SIDS. Their solution to this
awkward conundrum is to recommend that babies sleep with
pacifiers.
I actually have a home-video of myself sensing the restlessness of my
baby and sticking my breast in his mouth without opening my eyes- or
what appears to be- even coming out of my sleep. It's amazing to
watch. Adults don't roll out of bed. We have some awareness when we
sleep. A mother's awareness is heightened. She does
not
roll on her baby.
With bed-sharing I fall asleep staring blissfully at the joy of my
life. Stress hormones are lower in co-sleeping mothers and babies.
There is nothing more peaceful than falling asleep to the touch and
sight of your loved one.
Breastfeeding in bed is easier than getting up to make a bottle or
getting up to breastfeed. Bed-sharing enables the working mom to
switch the feeding schedule almost completely to night time, so that
her supply doesn't suffer despite the long hours apart from her
little one.
My in-laws are immigrants, so I get an inside view in child rearing
in another culture. One thing they did very naturally was to sleep
with their babies and when they are preschool age transition them
into sibling's beds. (Because who wants to sleep alone after knowing
the joy of cuddling with someone you love)? I thought this was
pretty ingenious and so I did it with my kids. It works like a charm.
In fact, my fourth born loves to crawl in with her brothers but I
have to keep her out of their room because she keeps them awake. I
imagine she will transition quite easily when the time comes. The
only drawback is that one of them can keep the others awake. Reading
a book to them or (gasp) leaving the TV on until they are drowsy goes
a long way. So does occasionally poking your head in and telling them
to stop fooling around and go to sleep. Taking the offending child
into your bed is also a solution. Now that my kids are older my 14
year old does an amazing job in getting his brothers to settle down
to sleep. Obviously that advice won't help a lot of people but it
could give you hope. The best advice I can give you, in regards to
bed-sharing, is to either buy a king sized mattress or push two
mattresses together.
Totally random bit of trivia: bed-sharing is mentioned in the Bible.
"Then the one inside answers, “Don't bother me. The door is
already locked, and my children are with me in bed. I can't get up
and give you anything.” Luke 11:7 NIV (If you're like me you are
curious what that is referring to. It is talking about the man at the
door being persistent in knocking/asking and that that is how we
should be with God in prayer).
Kangaroo Care
Kangaroo
care became en vogue in North American NICU’s in the 1990’s. The
skin to skin contact between premature babies and their parents has
been shown to improve their health and chances of survival. This
occurs because of the natural regulation of breathing and temperature
that takes place. The emotional attachment felt between the two can’t
be underestimated either. I utilize this technique for my babies long
after they come home from the hospital by sleeping with them at night
both of us shirtless. The skin to skin connection is indescribable. I
know he knows my scent. Neither of us can sleep without each other –
in a good way. In that
first-time-crush-just-fell-in-love-and-can’t-get-you-out-of-my-head-can’t-live-without-you
kind of way.
Breastfeeding to sleep
With my
first-born I struggled with the guilt of breastfeeding him to sleep.
Am I creating a bad habit? Would he ever learn to fall asleep
on his own? It took me years to realize that, no; it is not
a bad
habit! It's a beautiful bond between a mother and child. It was meant
to be. It's our twisted society that says a baby must be independent
of the mother whose womb it recently inhabited. This breastfeeding to
sleep thing can, nay, will continue for years. But many years and
many children later I know in my heart that the culture is wrong.
The mama instinct is right.
Co-bathing
It is
seldom discussed in attachment parenting materials but it's an
integral part of parenting in our house. I bathed my first born the
standard American way: in the plastic tub. (In fact, he was used as a
demonstration baby in the newborn ward for bathing. It was kind of
upsetting for me because I was hormonal and he was fussing). I don't
know at what point I discovered the joy of bathing and showering with
your baby but I know it happened before baby number two because none
of my other babies ever bathed alone. I place them in a bassinet on
the floor of the bathroom while I shampoo and shave. The sound of the
water mesmerizes them and it doesn't take long for them to associate
the sound and the humidity with the enjoyable experience about to
come. When I'm ready I bring my naked baby in with me and just hold
them against my chest, letting the water run down their back. They
relax in pure bliss. I like to think that they are remembering
being in the womb. When they are new and small, the feeling of their
tiny body curled up against your chest is indescribable. The contrast
to the plastic-tub-bath is striking. (I can see in my mind right now
the newborn with his arms flung out and fingers splayed; alarmed by
the unconstraint.) And just like co-sleeping, the natural transition
from bathing with you is bathing with siblings. It's not an uncommon
request in this household for an older sibling to take a younger one
in with them while they are showering or bathing.
Baby-wearing
As I
mentioned in the first paragraph, I instinctively carried my
first-born with me everywhere. I wasn't aware of the whole
underground, crunchy sling fetish. The only slings I could find in
the store were those Bjorn ones and I had a hard time getting the
baby in and out of it easily. It turns out that all the best ones are
found not in stores but online. The Moby Wrap is a favorite baby
sling and the Mei Tai is a favorite toddler sling. I prefer pouch
slings for newborns because of their ease of use. It actually wasn't
until my fourth baby that I heard about these and my fifth baby that
I actually got them. But hey, better late than never! And, in
the meantime, like I said: carrying babies is a great arm workout.
Breastfeeding
There are
reasons a woman cannot breastfeed; HIV for instance. That is what
formula is for. If you need to formula feed you absolutely need not
feel guilty. I do not judge you! I start this paragraph with these
words because I know this subject is highly charged and I hope what I
present can be received without hard feelings by the reader. When a
mother wants to breastfeed and can’t, it can be devastating. When a
mother chooses to formula feed, the lactivists among us can be
grating. But if it is still within your power to make this decision
for your child it is important that you know all of the facts.
The best
food for babies, in order, is: breast milk from mother, breast milk
from another mother and formula. Mothers can link up via the internet
now to share their extra breast milk. A Facebook site: Human Milk 4
Human Babies is one place to find local mothers who have extra milk.
The risk of disease transmission is very low given that there is no
monetary exchange. There is no reason for a woman to lie about their
status (and most were tested very recently, during pregnancy). It is
also possible (though by no means easy, and not guaranteed) for an
adoptive mother to stimulate milk production with medication and
regular pumping.
Breastfed babies are healthier. They get less ear infections,
upper respiratory infections diarrhea and rarely, if ever, suffer
from constipation. I’ve had mothers ask me if they should
breastfeed when they are sick. Absolutely! The baby is already
exposed to the germs, at least give them the antibodies in your
breastmilk to fight those germs. The same goes for smoking moms. If
you smoke your baby is at an increased risk for upper respiratory
infections and SIDS. Reduce those risks with breastfeeding. Breastfed
babies also have a lower incidence of obesity, allergies, asthma and
diabetes. Babies who are breastfed a full year have approximately a
five point higher IQ than formula fed babies. This is on top of the
IQ benefits of love and attention.
Breastfeeding moms have a lower risk of ovarian cancer, breast
cancer, heart disease and diabetes. Some benefits of breastmilk
(baby’s IQ, for instance) require a year to get the full benefit,
but the lessoned risk of diabetes in the mother takes effect after
only one month of breastfeeding! A breastfeeding mom burns
calories and their uterus contracts faster, returning their body to
pre-pregnancy shape faster.
The first three days after your baby is born your body is producing
colostrum. On day three (more or less) the milk comes in. (Prepare
for breasts the size of cantaloupes!) Colostrum is packed with
antibodies and calorie dense. It’s perfect for newborn’s tiny
stomachs (which are about the size of a large marble). If a formula
feeding mom can just give their babies colostrum the first three days
it is such a gift!
The best part about breastfeeding, for me, is the way it soothes my
baby. It reduces pain. When the nurse came to take the heel prick of
my newborn in the hospital I asked her to place a warm wet cloth on
her heel first to draw the blood to the area and I breastfed my baby
during the prick. She didn’t even make a peep. It’s also a great
distraction when you need to quiet a baby or toddler.
Sadly, a lot of doctors are not very informed about breastfeeding.
Some tell moms that they can’t breastfeed because of jaundice, for
instance; despite scientific evidence to the contrary. They tell them
they can’t breastfeed because of a medication they are on even when
Thomas Hale's book, Medications
and Mothers' Milk
says otherwise. (This is the thoroughly researched Bible of
medications and breastfeeding.) Seek the advice of a La Leche League
leader or a lactation consultant before quitting breastfeeding.
A common
reason that women stop breastfeeding is low supply. The secret to
increasing your supply is to pretty much camp out in bed all day and
night with your baby, minus your shirt. Let your baby use you like a
pacifier. Sometimes you feel like a cow! But I like to think of it
positively. Just like the beginning of your marriage is called a
honeymoon, this period is your baby-moon. So enjoy every moment of
cuddling with your baby. Everyone else can just go away (and for the
moms with older kids, yes, the TV can be your best friend at this
time). Every so often your baby will go through a growth spurt and
want to feed nearly every hour for two to three days. Some common
growth spurt times are 7-10 days, 2-3 weeks, 4-6 weeks, 3 months, 4
months, 6 months and 9 months <www.kellymom.com>.
It
takes several days for your supply to increase, so have
patience.
Here is a story that brought tears to my eyes; a testament to the
power of breastfeeding. It’s written by Sasha Breeze on her
blog <http://sashabreeze.blogspot.com>.
Breastfeeding Saved My Son's Life
…or at least I believe
so. Let me explain. Our son Aiden was born on a gorgeous June day in
2006 weighing 8 pounds 7 ounces and was 21 inches long. He was
quiet at birth but even without the strong "Hello World!
It's me!" cry that you usually hear, Aiden seemed perfectly
healthy and took to nursing like a champ from moment one. So it took
everyone by surprise that by the time he was 6 months old he had not
grown as expected. He was a chubby little guy, but he had hardly
grown in length at all.
Our pediatrician ran some test and our son was given that dreaded
label no parent wants to hear "Failure to Thrive.” That night
as we were preparing for bed we got a call for us to go to the
children's hospital. Aiden's blood work had come back and his
sodium was dangerously low, our pediatrician sounded so worried
over the phone. I asked if we could wait until tomorrow. Her
response? "No, you don’t understand how serious this is,
you have to leave now, just put him in the car and go now."
We were terrified.
Once at the children hospital we were entered into a whole new world
of doctors and specialists and something always in the background
going beep. We never did figure out what caused his low sodium levels
but now, after the birth of the twins, I suspect he also
had Pseudohypoaldosteronism, just a less severe case.
The
doctors at the children's hospital were also concerned about Aiden's
lack of growth and that is when the real roller-coaster started. We
tested for one disease after another and still it remained a mystery.
Finally they suspected a brain tumor and we were told he would need
an MRI. As you probably already know you have to lie completely still
to have a MRI done so for a little guy like Aiden you have to
sedate them so they will not move during the test. This would be the
first test that either my husband or I would not be able to hold him
through and it was breaking our hearts. We went to the little waiting
room they have down the hall from the machine and held him until
the medication did its work and he was "under.” Handing him
off to the nurse that came to get him for the MRI was one of the
hardest things I had ever done up to that point in my life.
We sat nervously in the room holding hands. Tommy suggested cards, I
said no, my heart wouldn't let me do anything but crave my little boy
back in my arms. Finally after an agonizingly long wait the door to
the room was flung open by a frazzled nurse who quickly barked a
rather unexpected question "You still breastfeed right?"
Confused I answered her, “yes” and she grabbed me by the arm and
started rushing me down the hall. In tears I walked into a room to
see my little boy motionless on the table with a team of doctors and
nurses surrounding him and alarms going off everywhere. The nurse
told me to nurse my baby "You can’t pick him up but lean over
him and let him nuzzle you." Crying almost hysterically, I
did as she told me to. Aiden for just a moment made no response but
then his head turned to me and he made a soft little grunting noise
as I put my nipple into his mouth. He was too weak to suckle but he
began to breathe softly and then, like magic, the alarms stopped and
everything calmed down. I became aware that the room of doctors and
nurses slowly started thinning out with several of them shaking their
heads in amazement "I can’t believe that worked. She was
right." The nurse just grinned as she double checked
machines and straightened things back up and with a wink said "Of
course I was."
Yes, she was right and I thank God for that angel of mercy and
whoever it was that taught her to be so wise about the nursing
relationship. Breastfeeding is more than just a way to give your baby
food; it is an unimaginable bond between mother and child. Something
so powerful that even the feel of my breast and the smell of me, his
mother, was enough to, I believe, save my son's life.
The scientific
perspective of attachment parenting
Michael Meaney, director of the Program
for the Study of Behavior, Genes and Environment at
McGill University, has researched rat behavior and genetics.
What Meaney's work would show in detail is that a baby's early environment determines how and even whether certain important genes will be expressed throughout his life...the way that a mother treats her baby early in life literally affects which DNA gets transcribed and, therefore, the physiological path the baby's brain and body will take... extra nurture doesn't just affect babies' behavior during childhood and adolescence. In females, it also changes their maternal style when they have their own offspring and, thus, affects the behavior of the next generation. When these baby rats became adults, their mothering behavior was not like that of their biological moms - it was like the nurturing style of foster moms! If a rat was raised by a high licking mom, that's the kind of mom the baby rat became. And the same was true for their babies, too. The grandchildren of the original rat mothers took on the maternal style with which they'd been raised. ~ Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential - and Endangered by Maia Szalavitz and Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.
Teenage moms and
attachment parenting
The Dr.
Phil show started out with a bang when, in 2003, he introduced a
family he called “The Dr. Phil family” because we would be
following their progress in depth over the season. We viewers
immediately fell in love with this mom, dad and two teenage daughters
who were struggling but willing to put in the work to succeed. The
obvious "issue" - the one that spurned them to seek help -
was the elder daughter, Alexandra, pregnant at 15. In the months that
followed we watched them make strides toward a better life. Nearly a
decade later, though, the results have been disheartening. Alexandra
has permanently lost custody of two of her three kids to her mother,
and temporary custody of her third. I don't pretend to know what goes
on behind the highly edited clips, and surely her drug addiction
played an enormous role, but one big mistake jumps out at me.
According to the show, when Alexandra's baby was born she went back
to high school, putting the child in day care and on top of that went
to work. Talk about a recipe to ruin the bond between a mother and a
child! This belief, this misconception, that parenting teens
need to "continue their education" and work to support
themselves is prevalent. It is far more important for them to become
a good parent! This is better for them and their offspring. But
even if it were only in the best interest of the baby, that would be
enough. Education absolutely doesn't have to suffer for an at-home
mother. That is what homeschooling, tutoring and online classes
(college included) are for! A break from work is absolutely called
for. I would recommend, for anyone reading this book, who has
influence on a teenage mother, to show her the options for schooling.
Homeschooling is legal in every state and can be formulated to match
the needs of a mother. (For more information, see:
<www.hslda.org/hs/state/>.)
There are online curricula available and some public school systems
provide tutors.
Some
might say it is irresponsible of a young person to make a baby and
not immediately go out to support it. With the support of a husband
and extended family no child would ever need government assistance.
But it benefits no one to separate a baby from its mother. When I was
a single mom I decided that my time was worth no less than
(approximately) 12 dollars an hour. Less than that and I wouldn't
leave my very young children. And, frankly, nothing was worth leaving
them 40 hours a week. Until I got a part time job as a personal
trainer my only choice was government assistance and living with my
parents. The contribution I made to society - the investment in my
children, was worth far more than the pittance I received from the
government: the exceptional nutrition and healthy lifestyle/exercise
I provided leading to decreased healthcare costs, the puzzles, songs
and learning that took place will lead to an increased contribution
to our Gross Domestic Product and a savings on remedial education,
the bonding and the moral, ethical and religious training leading to
a lower incarceration rate and greater law abidance, especially
important since the children’s father being in jail automatically
puts them at risk for repeating the cycle and the development of
contributing adults who will pay taxes for nearly fifty years. The
taxpayers got their money's worth.
How
to make parenting complicated (A humorous commentary)
Sleep deprivation: Make sure you put your baby in a separate bed from the day he is born. Since he has spent the first nine months attached to you he'll feel alone and scared. He'll wake up frequently, causing you sleep deprivation. Don't consider actually sleeping with your baby; a position which would be a constant comfort to him, making feedings easily accessible.
Feeding: Make feeding as complicated as possible. Worry about sterilization of bottles and warming of formula. Force yourself out of bed (or a complicated pre-bed routine) to feed the baby at night. As the child gets older buy expensive baby food or spend hours making your own instead of supplementing your breast milk with table scraps from your own plate.
Bathing: Scare your newborn by placing him naked and alone in a bath. Don't bring him into the bath and shower with you where he will peacefully enjoy the water while being cradled in your arms, staring in your eyes with adoration.
Traveling: Make every trip an elaborate expedition requiring large amount of baby stuff. Even though your baby will do fine with just an extra diaper and some wipes and your breasts, make sure you bring half the nursery with you.
Baby holders:
Buy all sorts of contraptions to hold your baby. They'll not only be
expensive but take up tons of room and difficult to bring with you if
you go anywhere. All of these things could be replaced by a simple
sling, but that piece of cloth, which held babies in most previous
generations, is not complicated enough for modern parents.
Know Your Child
You
cannot be a good parent unless you get to know your child intimately.
Starting in the womb mothers notice “this is a very active baby"
or "she's quiet.” And then that day comes when you meet your
little one and you can see he's got blue eyes and brown hair"
and long fingers. Over the next few months you notice that your child
is inquisitive, bright, and athletic. As the years progress you see
that your child is right or left handed, social, funny. But that is
only the beginning!
Do you know your child's love language? This is the form you
should be sure not to neglect when showing your child love. Do you
know which form of intelligence your child scores highest in?
This is the area you should provide the most opportunities for your
child to develop. What is your child's learning style? This is
the best way for you to present important new information to them. Is
he a morning bird or night owl? This information helps when
formulating routines; chores can be expected when they are most
alert.
Every day your child is developing and has different strengths and
weaknesses. Your job, as a parent, is to stay on top of those things;
be continually aware of them so that you can provide opportunities to
work on their weaknesses and excel in their strength. For instance,
my five year old had a passion for skateboarding. This was new
territory for me, as no one else in our family has an interest in
skateboarding. But I made an effort to take him to the skateboard
park regularly. Two years later, his interest hasn't waned. My
efforts are rewarded. I'm not saying he has a future as a
pro-skateboarder, but he has gotten a ton of good exercise. His
coordination and balance is exceptional. He has a topic of interest
to relate with new friends. I had the privilege, as his mom, to help
facilitate all of those things.
When I started homeschooling my son in sixth grade, I discovered that
he couldn't do long division. I felt embarrassed that I hadn't
noticed it before, but that's one of the benefits of homeschooling -
you don't miss things like that. I was, then, able to concentrate on
that skill. That's my job as a parent. I'm preparing my children for
adulthood in all areas of life. To do that, I have to know their
strengths and weaknesses. I have to know them intimately.
Some aspects of your child are more elusive than others such as food
allergies, mental illness and mysterious physical illnesses (I would
be remiss to not mention Lyme disease as a potential mystery illness.
If you suspect Lyme disease or are interested in learning more about
it I highly recommend the book:
Cure
Unknown: Inside the Lyme Epidemic
by Pamela Weintraub.) You
have the formidable job of figuring these out. Like a mystery.
Thankfully we have the internet to help us in our search; a tool
previous generations didn't have the privilege to exploit.
Mental
illness
Diagnosis is a crucial element in relationship survival when someone
has a mental illness. Without it, intolerable behavior can’t be
understood or explained or properly responded to. I’m not talking
about labeling a person or holding it over their head as some sort of
deficiency. I’m talking about gaining a fuller understanding of
them as a person and utilizing the research that is out there.
An example
of a marriage that, I’m convinced, disintegrated from a lack of
diagnosis was that of Terry and Linda Bollea (Hulk Hogan and his
wife). In his autobiography My
Life Outside the Ring,
Terry describes her behavior, which appears to be bipolar in nature;
culminating in her divorcing him for a 19 year old boy. An example of
her depressive behavior from the book: “There were times when it
seemed like nothing I did would make her happy. She seemed to
complain all the time about everything” (page 148). An example of
her manic behavior: “In a two week period she would go to Wal-mart
eight to ten different times and spend two or three grand each
visit!” (Page 174). And getting a 19 year old boy-friend just
screams bipolar. It’s such a tragedy that their marriage wasn’t
given a decent shot through proper treatment and a fuller
understanding.
Diagnosing mental illness has made a huge difference in my own
marriage. It enables us to seek treatment and gives us an
understanding of behaviors that can’t be cured.
ADHD
Understanding ADHD is critical when parenting a child with the
disorder. ADHD has a wide-range of ramifications on a child's (and
adult's) behavior. It can affect their mood and cause them to appear
to be out-right defiant. For instance, disobeying an order may be an
example of impulsiveness. He may be wondering “what would happen
if…” and then act on the thought before thinking it through or
considering your direction. Or he may have been so distracted he
didn’t even hear you. Often it is useful to get down on their level
and look them in the eye while speaking with them. If the environment
or the child is particularly loud speaking in a whisper can get their
attention. When disciplining an ADHD child your expectations for them
must match their ability.
Homeschooling is ideal for an ADHD child. It's the structured
environment of public school that makes ADHD a problem: the sitting
for long periods, the need to be constantly quiet, still and paying
attention to things that bore the child. By taking them out of the
environment you have just solved 75% of the problems. You are left
with the behavioral difficulties.
The flip side of ADHD is the ability to hyper-focus. Monopolize this!
I would read everything you can about unschooling. Learning to trust
your child to learn as the interests unfold will remove the battles.
You don't want to replicate the public school battle. (i.e. "Sit
down! It's time to do your math workbook.") That totally defeats
the point of homeschooling! After giving my ADHD child two
years to mature and decompress from school - two years of totally
relaxed homeschooling/unschooling, he went back to middle school on
medication and is now an honor roll student. I hear nothing but
compliments from his teachers. If homeschooling all of your children
is not feasible, consider homeschooling the student who could benefit
most from it. One of the years we homeschooled our ADHD child, his
two brothers were in public school. It was just him home. We did not
encounter any issues from this, such as jealousy.
One book I recommend, on the subject of ADHD is ADHD:
Living Without Breaks by
Martin L. Kutscher M.D. (Author) and Douglas, M.D. Puder
Food
allergies
My 7 year old son was always sick. At first we thought he was faking
it to get out of school. But then he started throwing up. We thought
it was strange that he threw up whenever he was at a birthday party.
Then came the stomach pains. He was missing a lot of school and his
behavior was out of control. Finally one day, when I went to pick him
up from school he was in the nurse's office, laying in the fetal
position, crying and clearly in intense pain. I couldn't ignore the
problem anymore. I took him to the emergency room. (Side note: I was
three days past my due date at the time!) They did a variety
of tests but couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. I was
beginning to suspect this could be a food allergy because the problem
had been going on for so long – two years! It just couldn’t
be a gastrointestinal virus.
I recalled an incident when he was a baby. I had made homemade bread
with whole wheat flour and then ate the entire loaf in one afternoon
(blushing). After breastfeeding him he broke out in hives from head
to toe. I took him to the emergency room where they gave him Benadryl
and he was fine.
Remembering that incident, I thought wheat would be the first food I
should try eliminating. So we did and I was right. He is gluten
intolerant, which means he can’t eat wheat, barley, rye or malt.
That would explain vomiting at every birthday party - birthday cake.
If he were to eat gluten now he would become extremely
ill. On
a gluten free diet I have my son back. He is healthy and pain-free.
My son is not the only one in the family with food sensitivity. My husband is lactose intolerant. He didn’t figure this out until he was an adult. For years he suffered from stomach pains and diarrhea whenever he ate dairy. This is actually very common. Most Asians and Africans are lactose intolerant. Which, interestingly, means that the majority of the world population is lactose intolerant.
Sometime
later I was chatting with some friends who had family members with
food allergies and I asked, "Is it possible that acne could be
caused by a food allergy?" I have struggled with acne my
whole life. I kept waiting for it to go away with age, but it never
did. My friends replied,
"Absolutely.”
"Yes.”
I said that I had noticed a correlation
between sugar and acne. Could one be allergic to sugar? They
suggested that it was more likely corn. Corn? No, way. I don't
break out when I eat corn on the cob. Besides, how often do I even
eat corn? They pointed out that corn
syrup is
in everything sweet. There was no harm in testing the theory, so I
started avoiding corn products. (A difficult food to avoid!)
They were
right!
I am so thankful that I now have control over my life, no longer
having to wake up thinking, "What will my face look like today?"
And I feel blessed that, unlike my son, I can cheat if I want to.
Meanwhile
our frustration with our four year old's skin grew. He had seemingly
untreatable whiteheads. For years we scrubbed his face at night to
slough off the dead skin. We had taken him to the pediatrician and
gotten a prescription for a cream that didn't help. When he started
getting them on his upper arms and legs we knew we couldn't ignore it
any more. I thought, this
could be a food allergy.
My first guess was corn since corn affected my
skin.
And it was! Still, sometimes my husband was skeptical. "Come
on," he would say. "He still has bumps. We need to take him
to a dermatologist."
"You bring him Doritos and soda as a treat!" I exclaim. And
it's true. When my son avoids corn, the bumps subside. Evidence like
that can't be denied.
Genetics
Genetics are a big part in how our children turn out. You're probably
thinking, "Sure: cancer, a little bit of personality, blue eyes,
etc." Well, I'm convinced it's so much more than that. How is it
that I have raised all my kids exactly alike and one of them will eat
anything- I mean, like fish eyes, snail, vegetables, anything-
and another one has to be cajoled to eat just an apple!? (Science has
already proven my intuition on that one, with 78% of picky eating
being attributed to a specific gene according to a 2007 study
published in American
Journal of Clinical Nutrition).
How is it that I have one child who dreads baths and showers, yet the
others hop in at every opportunity? Here are some more examples of
“coincidences” from my life: As a child I was terrified of dogs.
My son is too, for seemingly no reason. My first grader came home
from school and told me he wants to play the drums and trumpet. Guess
which two instruments I always wanted to play growing up. How about
my husband? - Whose parents and sisters are some of the most talented
chefs on this planet. He never once helped in the kitchen or watched
his mother cook, but now whatever ingredients he touches turns to
magic. My mother confided in me, when all of her children were grown,
that she was shocked how much genetics influenced how we turned out.