On the Mend
A Woman’s Survival Guide for Healing a Broken Heart
By Donna Meté
Foreword and Afterword by Beth Rosen, CSW
Diddo Publishing, Inc. New York
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Dedication
To
my beloved Dicksé
whose love and support fills me with joy
beyond
anything I’ve ever known.
Acknowledgments
To my mother, Jean Wagner, whose unwavering love and commitment gave me the foundation I needed to manifest my wildest dreams and find my one true love.
To Collette Linnihan; one of the wisest women I know and a profound change-agent in my life.
To Beth Rosen, CSW for believing in me and my desire to help other women whose hearts had been shattered. Her editing and advice were invaluable to creating and finishing this book.
To my editors Gail Eisenberg, Shana Kelly, Kathleen Wallace, Debralee Merchant, and Laura Alred, and Cheryl Hislop of Ldesign for book layout.
To my dearest friends, Margaret McClung, and Dorian Beighley: their friendship and compassion helped me restore my well-being and rebuild an exciting new life. Namasté
Foreword by Beth Rosen, CSW
While many books have been written about straight couples coping with the difficulties of relationships and how to handle a breakup, there are no books written specifically for lesbians. “Why do you need one?” asked some of my straight friends. “Aren’t all relationships the same?” The answer is yes and no.
On one level, they are the same in that any two people need to work hard at keeping a relationship going, but there are also a number of differences. First of all, two women will have a different way of communicating than a man and a woman. Secondly, some lesbians are friends first before they become lovers. Therefore, when there is a breakup, the two women are more often breaking up with one of their closest friends.
Additionally, the lesbian community is small, and when women end a relationship, they often want to continue having the same friends. This creates enormous difficulties for both women. When the two separate, they often try to remain friends, which is not as common with straight couples. This can be very trying for the one who wishes they could remain intimate partners.
Finally, lesbians are very often closeted at work or with family members. So, when they are going through a breakup, they often do not get to share how they are feeling with people they see every day. The strain of the breakup and having to keep it a secret is usually agonizing and affects people’s work and ability to function. Breaking up is hard enough, but going through it alone is even more difficult.
On The Mend is an important book because Donna Meté not only shares her personal story and how she coped with an abrupt ending (the most difficult kind) but she also shares with the readers important insights about how to cope with the end of a relationship. Donna Meté is a positive thinker and her thoughts, suggestions, and insights offer the reader a great deal to think about as well as an enormous amount of hope.
This is an important book for those of you who have just gone through a breakup or if you are thinking about ending a relationship. Read this book to receive guidance and support about how to either cope with being left, or end a relationship in a healthy way.
You are not alone, and the more you know that others have gone through what you are dealing with, or can speak to friends to get support, the more tolerable the healing process will be. If you are dealing with your partner’s departure or if you are a couple reading this book together, take your time. Read this book and use the exercises at the end of the chapters so that you benefit from Donna’s personal story as well as her ideas about what to keep in mind when you are recovering from the ending of a relationship.
Author’s Note
" You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."
Barbara DeAngelis
Couples separate and go their own ways each and every day. Some remain friends and others do not, but one thing is clear: Couples committed to terminating their relationship in a loving and kind manner probably worked hard to help each other understand and come to terms with the reasons for its ending. The couples who commit to this type of ending and understanding are courageous and kind and are usually able to move on in their lives more freely. Under these painful circumstances, it’s a testament to the power and impact of commitment and caring, something we are all capable of when we make the choice.
On the other hand, there are some women who are forced to make the decision to leave their partner because they are in emotionally or physically abusive relationships. Severing your relationship with a woman who has hurt you in this way is exactly what you should be doing, without a second thought.
However, this book is not for the survivor of abuse, or the woman whose partner has taken time to share in the responsibility for the ending of their relationship. This book is for women who believed themselves to be in a loving and caring relationship with a fully committed partner only to discover that their partner had other plans: leaving without full accountability or holding them in mind.
It always takes two to make a relationship, but it doesn’t always take two to end it. And this often leaves a mess behind. Most women feel blindsided and betrayed, with a lot of unanswered questions. This causes them to sink into a depression and state of mourning that can feel overwhelming and self-defeating. If you want to understand and come to accept the devastation of an ending by an uncaring or emotionally immature woman, then this book is for you. It is not meant to absolve anyone of responsibilities within the relationship. Rather, it is meant to expose the truth and (lack of) character of women who choose to leave without regard to the relationship or the heartache of the women left behind.
The stories, exercises, and insights contained in this book will serve as tools to help bring you understanding and acceptance, as well as help guide you towards an exciting new future and, eventually, a healthy, loving relationship. Despite your present pain, with some work and perseverance it gets so much better after this. This book is for you!
Introduction: Why I Wrote This Book
“It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.” -George Bernard Shaw
In late 2005, I experienced the loss of a relationship with a woman I cared about deeply. Though we only shared 14 months together, it was almost always blissful and we fell passionately in love. Early on in the relationship, I was afraid of my feelings because being in love meant I had to be vulnerable and that I could be hurt more than I had ever imagined. I had never experienced an attraction or desire to be with someone as strongly as I had with her. Everything about her and us moved me in ways I had not expected. I was shaken by what I had begun to feel but, like most women, I eventually relaxed and allowed the relationship to unfold. I told myself everything was okay and that it was safe to let go of my armor.
When apart, our days consisted of numerous e-mail messages, texting one another, or phone calls discussing the latest trivialities which almost always closed with a proclamation of how much we loved and missed each other. It was a brief but deeply romantic time. Our dates and trips to the mailbox would become an adventure, as we awaited what new card, poem or token we might find next, each always filled with grateful banter about how blessed we felt to be in each other’s lives. Mementos and unusual, spontaneous gifts became the norm; intimacy was an ongoing exploration of each other’s deepest desires and became “tantric” in the months that unfolded.
And yet, in spite of our nurturing, endless proclamations of love, and the work we did within the relationship, it ended…and it ended horribly. It became one of the more painful experiences of my life. I, like many women, did not have a voice at the conclusion of my relationship. I was denied an opportunity to be heard after having been informed of her decision to leave...via voicemail. was crushed and confused by how she departed, and the ease with which she completely disengaged from our life.
What began as a discussion about how much time to spend together over a holiday weekend suddenly turned into a “take-it-or-leave-it” ultimatum. I expressed my desire to be more spontaneous and organic in our relationship. We spoke about whether she truly wanted to be involved and commit to the work necessary to be together. Expressing myself did not go over well. She became “triggered” and furious with me.
For an outsider, this conflict might seem simple and you would think, easily resolved, but alas, it was the beginning of a startling ending that would completely change my future. I wouldn’t hear from her again until receiving a voicemail message when she officially ended the relationship four days later. Her message was intended to prevent any further inquiry from me so she could “get on with her life and not waste anymore time.”
I was enraged at how she escalated the event to a dramatic conclusion without any dialogue or accountability. As an adult, I had never been the recipient of punitive behavior by a partner like this. I had nothing to draw upon for help. I phoned repeatedly in an attempt to gain insight. It was the first time we had not communicated and worked through an issue as a couple and I was dumbfounded. I tried to reconcile the craziness of what had transpired, but she would not take my calls. Faced with this reality, I became overwhelmed and flooded with despair, and soon found myself emotionally paralyzed and deeply depressed.
I needed help. Does any of this sound familiar?
Far too many women find themselves in situations just like this: abruptly abandoned in what feels like an uncaring or insensitive manner and without honest answers. This is not “dyke drama.” It is a hurtful behavior in which some women engage to manage you and your relationship. Unfortunately, the aftermath that ensues can become more and more painful as you are left to wonder and ask yourself what really happened. Heartache and despair can escalate to seemingly overwhelming proportions. And, if that isn’t hard enough, you may also confront old wounds from childhood an unexpected departure of your loved one will conjure. When left with no clear or honest answers, you will do what most people do. You attempt to answer the questions yourself.
There are countless reasons why women leave. Chances are you will never get the answers you are hoping to receive. In spite of this, you must do everything you can to put your life back together again and move on without her. Your responsibility is to yourself and your physical and emotional well-being. Most likely, your ex is not coming back and there is no one to fix the situation except you. Healing is a difficult process and this is a time to seek as much support as you can. When confronted with a life change such as this, you must take necessary steps to care for yourself and understand the dynamics that can prevent you from moving on and keep you stuck in your sorrow. Whether it is sadness, doubt, fear, obsessive thinking, depression, anger or hostility, you have to trust in the healing process and trust that you will eventually find the answers to ease the pain and find happiness and acceptance: acceptance of the breakup and forgiveness of yourself!
As you read, you are going to explore every aspect of this process and each of the tools that you can use to alleviate some of the pain, rid yourself of the confusion, and begin to mend. Through these insights and exercises, you’ll come to understand and eventually accept that what you’re feeling and experiencing is normal and absolutely necessary to get to the other side. You won’t feel as alone in your sorrow or different from others. Your shame and self-loathing will disappear, along with those nagging negative beliefs. You will get to a point when you’re able to embrace that the ending was not entirely about you, it was also about her and her journey, wherever that may be. You will be okay with the outcome and know that in spite of the enormous heartbreak, you are much better off now. Had you remained with someone who didn’t care about you as you needed, and wasn’t committed as you had hoped, the relationship would have been unhealthy and you would have been unhappy.
You will be okay with all of this eventually, and can look forward to mornings when the sun shines through your window and you can awake with a smile on your face instead of tears. You will come to embrace each day as something wonderful and new to be experienced instead of approaching it with dread. Trust the process. Contentment and joy will come in time.
It took quite a few months but I put myself back together and became stronger and more confident than I could have ever imagined. I am grateful that the relationship taught me more about myself, but I am even happier that I moved on to experience much more powerful relationships. And though it may not appear to be the case at the moment, there will come a point at which you will have this sort of acceptance and insight as well. But for now, in spite of the pain of your ex’s departure, it’s time for you to find the strength to begin to put the pieces back together again.
This book is about the anatomy of a departure, the transformative journey through the many stages of loss and the processes that will unfold as you begin to understand and discover the gift the breakup will eventually offer. It is a vehicle that I hope will direct you to a path and a method to heal your heart and re-create a life with love far deeper than anything you could have ever imagined.
And, even without the ability to reconcile, you will come to believe your former relationship is better left behind. It will reveal where and how deeply your heart had been wounded from earlier experiences, and how you can use this knowledge to heal yourself at a much deeper level. Through this journey, it is my hope that you will come to believe that being left is not just an ending. It is a gift, a beginning, and a rare opportunity to challenge your old definitions of love and relationships and who you believed yourself to be. It is a catalyst for creating an exciting new you with a deeper and richer life if you are ready to embrace change. Once healed, you may not attract the same woman again, but if you do, your outcome may be quite different because you are different!
I will be honest with you about this process: it can be long, hard and painful, but if you follow all of the steps needed to heal, it is my hope that you will find a new depth of self-love and the possibility of more rewarding relationships ahead. I never believed I would laugh and feel joy again, but I do. I never believed it would be possible for me to feel a deep sense of confidence and contentment with who I am, but it now thrives in me. I did not think it was possible for me to feel excitement and love toward another woman, but I have. This path has led me to meet extraordinary people who have opened my heart and my life to a passion I never thought possible. Healing after my loss was one of the toughest journeys I have ever had to travel, but I made it back home, a new home, and I’m better for it. Trust that in time, you will be too. I hope you’ll join me along this divinely, enlightening path to power and self-love. -Donna Meté
In Chinese, the concept “crisis” is a combination of the two symbols for “danger” and “opportunity.”
Chapter 1: The Anatomy of Endings and Sudden Departures
"Love
never dies a natural death. It dies because you don’t
know
how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and
errors
and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds;
it
dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." Anais
Nin
Few events in life can send your sense of value and self-worth plummeting. Being left suddenly by someone you love without understanding, fair warning, or full accountability is one of them. It is a spiritual wound at the deepest level. Unfortunately, it happens far too often and partners are generally void of honest or meaningful reasons for their stealth departure. Some of their explanations may sound valid but, as you will see, are eventually exposed to be without merit. These lame excuses are filled with generalities of what the person believed to be a problem in a relationship, or are too banal to ever reasonably be considered a dealbreaker. In spite of this, they insist it is reason enough to justify leaving the relationship. Most women have no choice but to learn how to accept their ex’s baseless reasons over time. They have no interest in communicating or working through the issues because they either lack courage, don’t really care, or know their reasons are thin or unreasonable. Engaging in a meaningful dialogue would mean they’d have to confront themselves and take responsibility for their actions and decisions. They are not committed to their partners or the longevity of their relationships.
Whether you’ve been left for no reason, or were provided a confusing explanation, chances are you have been thrust into a painful state of depression, grief, anxiety, disbelief, anger, and sadness. You’ve likely become plagued with fears, doubts, fantasies, and negative self-talk. Many women find themselves obsessed with their ex and the trauma of the ending. They are left to replay the story and the events that they believe may have lead to their partner’s departure. You may continually (and obsessively) ask yourself question after question as to why it all happened.
○ Why did she really leave?
○ Was I ever really loved?
○ Why did I stay during those challenging times?
○ Is she seeing someone else?
○ Did I do something wrong?
○ And then the inevitable…If only I had/hadn’t _______ (you fill in the blank) she would not have left.
This statement presents you with many self-destructive ways to answer an unanswerable question, and feel worse about the breakup and yourself. When my ex suddenly ended our relationship, here’s what I found myself saying:
If
only:
○ I hadn’t spoken up and didn’t ask for more time
○ We had more sex
○ We had less sex
○ I’d tried to stay on the phone
○ I’d hung-up on her, she would have come crawling back
○ I’d played hard to get
○ I wasn’t so needy that day
○ I expressed my needs differently
○ I’d been able to be myself
○ I held back my tears
○ I’d left that relationship months earlier when I thought I should ...then she would have stayed!
Engaging in the process of “if only” attempts to help you make sense of what happened and take control of the present scenario and the breakup. But trying to control or change the events comes at a cost. It is yet one more way you avoid feeling the pain of her actions and blame yourself for something you did not entirely cause. Self-blame and doubt can wreak havoc on your self-esteem if you continue to pontificate the what if’s. It doesn’t matter how you fill in the blank because all answers become conjecture and, as you will come to realize, completely untrue. Taking it one step further, some women begin to believe... there must be something wrong with me... I must not be worth the effort or she would have stayed. But, sadly, as you begin to blame yourself, you unknowingly deepen the pain and prolong your healing.
My self-esteem plummeted when my ex departed. I looked at every part of myself and began to believe that I was flawed or she would have stayed. I told myself I was unlovable, that there must be something terribly wrong with me. These thoughts did nothing but setup a chain of negativity that kept me depressed and immobilized. Through a lot of therapy and reflection, I realized that this belief is normal for women who are left with unanswered questions. However, it is toxic to your self-esteem and healing in that it perpetuates the untruth that the ending had only to do with you. This thinking will keep you depressed and in pain unnecessarily. The negativity becomes self-directed, diminishing your self-esteem and internalizing your anger towards the wrong person…you! Your anger belongs entirely directed toward her. We’ll talk more about that in Chapter 5.
Nevertheless, irrational thoughts may continue, which is often how we cope with painful events. But, you can’t control her, or what happened. These thoughts actually act as a defense against feeling out of control. Try to remember: the breakup was not entirely about you!
Abrupt departures are confusing and make the loss more painful and difficult to process. It wasn’t any flaw in you that “made” her leave – she decided this all by herself. It was her flawed thinking or beliefs and behavior that propelled her to go.
When women depart without considering their partner’s feelings, they’re likely driven by some unknown force and/or an irrational or unreasonable behavior. You must find a way to believe that you are okay and, more importantly, that she left carrying her own tattered bags... not yours. Chances are she’s taking that same baggage with her into subsequent relationships. You’ll eventually be capable of wishing her the best, but for now, you must try to close your door and begin to heal. Eventually, you will feel grateful that you are no longer the welcoming committee for someone’s dysfunctions. Nor will you believe you have to defer or diminish your power in order to be loved. We do not have to completely alter our core selves to be wanted and cared about when we are partnered with an emotionally available and intelligent woman who accepts us. Soon, you will celebrate your single-hood, reclaim your true self and every bit of your power.
When your ex abruptly departed, she was unaware that she was reacting to a deeper issue that she was avoiding or unwilling to confront. But none of us can hide from these deep, sometimes dark aspects of ourselves just because we’ve closed a door behind us and refused to evaluate reality or explore our feelings. Our shadows, behavior, and abuse or neglect catches up with us at some point in life. There is a wonderful saying: “That which you resist, persists.” Her decision to leave and avoid accountability is part of her stuff and internal dialogue about her story. This dysfunction belongs to her, not you. Allow yourself to take that in fully and release any responsibility you may be feeling about the way in which she chose to end the relationship. It’s not your burden. It is her ultimate failure and, if she continues to function by fleeing or shutting down, it will be her eventual undoing.
This is a great exercise to ground yourself in some of the reality about your breakup. When you allow yourself to examine the actions and behavior of your ex, you may even begin to see clues that she was considering departing long before she did. More than likely, you’ll experience a few “ah-ha’s” as you look back on her most recent behavior. Sometimes, after a few months or even a year together, people find it difficult to maintain good or reasonable behavior and this is when problems generally arise. Think about it. Did your ex stop calling as often or stop wanting to spend as much time with you? Did she begin to distance herself in other ways such as a disinterest in sex? Did she stop doing little things that demonstrated you were thought of with love? She may have even begun picking on you about petty issues or become confrontational. Consider these warning signs.
Towards the end, these behaviors were used to challenge you and provoke an ending. They were used because she was begging for an out. It was only a matter of time before she acted upon these feelings. Pulling back from the relationship without explanation allowed her to begin the distancing process, fully conscious of her behavior but without regard for you. She had little at risk in the relationship when the ending finally took place. Ultimately, she left nothing behind which she felt sad or sorry to lose. In fact, she left long before she went away for good.
It’s normal to wonder how and why it was so easy for her to just “get on with her life,” as my ex did. But look at your list. Try to find the “ ah ha’s.” She probably spent time planning or considering a flawless exit and an emotionally distant departure. If you expect her to share in your sadness about this, you will most likely be very disappointed. Her behavior made it a virtual breeze to walk away from the relationship. Sadly, your ex may not have had a clue about what was really going on inside her head. But keep in mind, she might have been out of touch with her true motivations for leaving and was merely reacting to something she didn’t, and doesn’t, fully understand or see. Nonetheless, when confronted with her behavior or a request for answers, she will probably avoid you, leaving you with a bundle of emotions and questions.
There are a number of excuses women use when they want out of a relationship. Some are more creative than others. I’ve listed a few of the more common ones I’ve come across for you to consider. Are any of them hauntingly familiar?
I. Gaslighting
The term gaslighting comes from the 1944 psychological thriller, Gaslight. In the film, the Gregory Peck character tries to drive the Ingrid Bergman character crazy by using subtle and deliberate forms of deception in an attempt to gain her family fortune. poiler alert: it almost worked!
Gaslighting is a common type of brainwashing in which a person will twist reality and attempt to confuse their victim. When confronted with an issue, a person who gaslights acts nurturing, patronizing, defensive, or condescending toward you. Gaslighting generally occurs when your partner is doing something she doesn’t want you to know about. Whether it’s seeing someone else, taking drugs, or drinking, she’ll do everything she can to manipulate you so you feel a little confused, ashamed, or crazy. That’s her objective. Feeling this way generally evokes doubt, and enough doubt can evoke your silence or submission. his helps her execute her game plan without as much interference from you.
Gaslighting is high on my list of “easiest and most cowardly ways to leave your lover.” Here’s what a typical gaslighting scenario looks like:
If you suspect your partner is having an affair with Ms. X and you begin to question her about some odd behavior you’ve noticed, she may immediately become defensive, or overly nurturing and patronizing, while insisting that they’re “just” friends or “just” colleagues.
She’ll then try to control the conversation by telling you that you’re being overly emotional, paranoid, or insecure. he may even console you in your vulnerable state, which may evoke shame or embarrassment at having brought it up. nfortunately, many women believe their partner and question themselves or their own emotional well-being. This may go on for months, until she leaves the relationship and you discover that what you suspected was going on was actually going on!
II. The “No-Win” or “Non-Negotiable Out” Excuse
This may be a sudden announcement that goes something like this: “I no longer want the same things you do.” here is no room to maneuver with this one because it’s incredibly cut and dry. asically, what she’s really thinking (but is too afraid to admit) is: “Look, there’s no hope because I’ve decided the best way out of this relationship is to tell you that I don’t want what you want and I will not change any aspect of this because my mind was made up awhile ago.”
Only a woman looking for a non-negotiable out ill use a major issue, a dealbreaker, so that she’s certain you’ll agree with her reasons for ending the relationship. hat makes this especially troublesome is that this is not altogether the truth. Your partner doesn’t feel what she’s expressed and here’s how you’ll know this:
Scenario One: You and your partner are having relationship trouble and decide to go to couples therapy. After a few sessions, she suddenly announces she wants out of the relationship and that your differences are irreconcilable. She’s unwilling to continue therapy with you and bolts. Her REAL motivation for agreeing to therapy was to use it as a way to leave you and still feel as though she did the right thing. It’s manipulative and happens far too often!
Scenario Two: How many times have you seen or heard someone say, “I am not ready for a relationship,” and several months later, they’re setting up house with their latest partner? It happens.
Scenario Three: You and your partner have been together for several years. ou met, fell in love, agreed you wanted children and then surprise! She doesn’t want them anymore…nor does she want you. he insists on leaving the relationship without trying to work things out. his is the key point: he lacks the interest and motivation to work through the issue, or explore it in more detail together. Children become a secondary issue, an excuse that provides her with the easiest way out.
Excuses like these are transparent, and become easy reasons (excuses) to leave which offer no alternatives because the issues are always deal-breakers. hat is her goal. he doesn’t leave wiggle-room because it means she’ll have to work a little harder, and, again, all she really wants is to move on without you. mportant reminder for the no-win excuse: don’t allow this to shake your self-worth. Her real reasons for leaving will probably remain a mystery and there’s not much you can do to change her mind. t’s really NOT about you!
III. The Victim Excuse
Some women actually make themselves out to be helpless victims, even as they inflict more damage and leave. he victim excuse is used often in combination with the manipulative excuse I note below. ts intention is to skew your assessment of her and make it appear as though her issue is beyond her control and without any hope of resolution. he positions herself as powerless in some way and, therefore, unable to do what is generally within her capacity as a human being.
The victim excuse begins and sounds like this... I can’t’... I can’t move forward with you.I can’t give you what you need.I can’t be what you want me to be.I can’t be monogamous.I couldn’t keep my hands off her.I can’t stop drinking.I can’t stop smoking.I can’t stop eating.I can’t live with you.I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. ill in the blanks again.
When someone says “I can’t,” what they are really saying is that they won’t or they don’t want to. Women use these phrases as a way of cushioning their true motivations. The real meaning behind this is that she is no longer that interested in you or the relationship, not motivated enough, and will not work at whatever the issue is, whether the issue is within her or with you. he operative words here are will not, not, cannot. She has chosen not to do something and to be in denial about it.
Of course, your partner has the right to leave your relationship. ut a mature partner will always choose honesty and integrity first, in spite of the repercussions, and give you a voice in the process as well. By withholding her emotions and experiences, an immature partner denies you your right to participate in the issues, and only prolongs the heartache when the relationship ends. Your heartache is compounded when her reasons for leaving are vague or unreasonable.
IV. The Manipulative Excuse
This excuse is deceptive and extremely clever. It sounds as if your partner has your best interests in mind and is actually “doing you a favor” or “sparing you the pain” of remaining in the relationship because your needs clearly won’t be met. gain, she won’t be honest with you about what’s really going on.
Here’s what this scenario sounds like:
“Baby, I can’t give you what you need. ou’re a beautiful person and you deserve better. love you.” hese excuses always end with some false proclamation about how wonderful or beautiful a person you are. t is the elixir to help it go down easier and avoid confrontation. t’s doled out as a noble act of kindness, while in reality she is trampling on your heart and being dishonest.
Don’t be fooled by this!
The victim part of this is the “I can’t,” a form of helplessness used by your partner that attempts to convince you that the issue is out of her control. he manipulative deception is “you’re a beautiful person and you deserve better.” his is used to avoid scrutiny or confrontation. t’s a pat on the head meant to deflect her deception. f she possessed integrity and were compassionately honest, you would be grateful for the courage it took for her to express it, even though it hurt!
But there is no courage in “I can’t,” because she’s hiding her real reasons. mature conversation, in which she took responsibility, would have gone more like this: “Baby, I don’t want to move forward with you. will not give you what you need because I no longer have any interest in doing so. ou deserve someone who wants to be involved, but it’s not me.”
Unfortunately, manipulative excuses perpetuate the untruth that there must be some flaw in you . After all, if “you’re such a wonderful, beautiful person,” why on earth is she leaving?!
When women leave using any of these excuses, it’s generally about them: their insecurities, acting out, their internal fears or dialogue around intimacy, their frail or stubborn egos, an unwillingness to work at relationships, their over-reactions to emotional triggers, an unrealistic pursuit of perfection in a relationship or with a partner, their lack of commitment to anyone or anything, their desire to be free, or maybe even a recent, lustful affair. Relationships take a lot of hard work and some partners don’t want to make the effort to work through common intimacy issues. Who knows? Their reason for leaving could have been just about anything.
One thing is certain, a sudden, unexplained, or weak excuse departure is a reflection of her own emotional immaturity and inability to explore the problems she believes to be present in your relationship. She abandoned the relationship quite a while ago and chose silence over confrontation. I call these women lazy lovers and there are a few truths you can be sure of with them. It’s clear that something is happening internally that she may or may not be aware of and she will not be open and honest with you. It is all about her, and the departure had little, if anything, to do with you. You can sit and stew about all the flimsy excuses she gave you, but you will probably never know the full truth. The bottom line: she was an emotional coward. It was easier for her to packup and leave, and far less work because gone was exactly where she wanted to be.
Some women are very much aware of the deep emotional wounds that drive their behaviors, yet they choose not to confront them. Their continual acting out prevents them from being fully committed in any of their relationships or from developing partnerships that are healthy and sustainable. We’ll talk more about this and identifying childhood wounds in Chapter 6.
My ex used a combination of the victim and manipulative excuse when I was informed she “could not give me what I needed,” “could not move forward with me,” and that “I deserved better.” I thought her statement was odd, as I had never asked her to give anything other than what worked for both of us and nothing had changed in our relationship up to that point. When confronted, she simply walked away and became punitive as the ending took place. I never understood why she reacted the way she did or why she refused to work things out. But, I came to know that her behavior was cowardly, manipulative, and left us no room to reconcile. Her internal story became the perfect alibi: I can’t.
This does not provide honesty or accountability about what your partner is really experiencing. Remember, “I can’t” means “I won’t” or “I don’t want to.” It isn’t forthcoming and it excludes you from the process. She makes it a done deal without regard to her impact on you and your feelings. As a result, you can feel confused about the ending for weeks, months, or longer. The behavior of my ex became a hard lesson in the art of manipulation and avoidance. Needless to say, I was left feeling bewildered and blindsided, completely normal reactions when excuses like this are used.
The avoidance inherent within these excuses only contributes to the damage and heartache left behind. You must not allow them or your ex’s deep-seated issues to impact your self-worth. She has chosen not to commit. When you begin to fully “see” your ex and the dysfunctional behaviors that stem from her childhood wounds, it is my hope that your confusion will begin to subside. The impact her excuses have had on your heart will diminish and you will gradually begin to feel your own power and self-confidence again.
In the meantime, try to understand that as unreasonable as they may be, her excuses served to justify her decision to leave. You cannot stop her and if you still attempt to change her mind, you are likely postponing the inevitable. She really wanted to go. Ask yourself this very important question every day, as many times as necessary, in order to take the first step toward moving on: do you really want to be with a woman that doesn’t want to be with you? The answer is an emphatic NO. You are worthy of much, much more. You are worthy of being with a healthy and committed partner who is capable of being with and committing to you on all levels. You do not have to compromise your deepest needs in order to be loved by someone who is half-involved. You will eventually meet and connect deeply with a much healthier woman, and you are okay just as you are.
EXERCISES
a) There are many ways woman begin to separate without communicating their feelings. Try to think about the subtle ways your ex began to move away from you and the relationship. List them in the space provided. Doing so will enable you to add clarity about the events or her behavior that led up to her departure. My ex began to...
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b) Now that you’re able to see some of the behaviors that led to her departure, it’s time to look at your behavior and make sure you’re not allowing yourself to be a victim in this.
True
or False:
I see myself as a victim: True - False
Somehow, I unknowingly caused the breakup: True - False
I usually pick the wrong people to fall in love with: True - False
My needs are too much: True - False
She left me even though I didn’t do a thing to cause her to leave: True - False
She never thought about my needs during the relationship: True - False
If only she knew how much I loved her, she wouldn’t leave: True - False