60 Wrong Ways To Have Sex – and how to do it right
by Paul Jenner
Copyright
2012 Paul Jenner
Smashwords
Edition
By the same author:
Secrets Of The Kama Sutra (ebook)
A Little History Of Love (ebook)
Have Great Sex (Teach Yourself paperback)
Get Intimate With Tantric Sex (Teach Yourself paperback)
Have Mind-Blowing Sex (Flash paperback)
Amazing Sex The Tantric Way (Flash paperback)
Be A Hot Date (Bullet paperback)
Lost Love (Chambers hardback)
If you would like to comment on this or any of my other books I’d be delighted to hear from you: www.pauljenner.eu
Contents
Introduction
The 20 Biggest Mistakes Men Make
Wrong Way Number 1. Not taking directions from your partner.
Wrong Way Number 2. Not letting your partner stimulate herself during sex.
Wrong Way Number 3. Ejaculating every time.
Wrong Way Number 4. Ignoring her other erogenous zones.
Wrong Way Number 5. Using a vibrator like a penis.
Wrong Way Number 6. Ignoring the clitoris.
Wrong Way Number 7. Not performing cunnilingus well – or at all.
Wrong Way Number 8. Confusing the hood of the clitoris with the glans.
Wrong Way Number 9. Only offering a cuddle when you want sex.
Wrong Way Number 10. Not allowing enough time for your partner to get used to new ideas.
Wrong Way Number 11. Expecting your partner to act like a porn star.
Wrong Way Number 12. Not understanding how women think about sex.
Wrong Way Number 13. ‘Taking sex too seriously’.
Wrong Way Number 14. Mistreating (or ignoring) the G-spot.
Wrong Way Number 15: Worrying that you can’t satisfy a woman with a short penis.
Wrong Way Number 16. Not paying enough attention to hygiene.
Wrong Way Number 17. Not staying awake for your partner afterwards.
Wrong Way Number 18. Immediately dissecting sex.
Wrong Way Number 19. Rushing to the shower.
Wrong Way Number 20. Uploading pictures without permission.
The 20 Biggest Mistakes Women Make
Wrong Way Number 21: Not knowing how to give instructions in bed.
Wrong Way Number 22: Not practising enough on your own.
Wrong Way Number 23: Not showing enough enthusiasm.
Wrong Way Number 24. Not being active enough.
Wrong Way Number 25. Really taking control.
Wrong Way Number 26. Wanting a man to ejaculate every time.
Wrong Way Number 27. Washing and deodorising...too much.
Wrong Way Number 28. Making a fuss about porn.
Wrong Way Number 29. Wearing pyjamas.
Wrong Way Number 30. Refusing fellatio.
Wrong Way Number 31: Being too coy about sex from behind.
Wrong Way Number 32. Expecting to come from vaginal penetration alone.
Wrong Way Number 33. Blaming your partner for bad sex.
Wrong Way Number 34. Not thinking sex is serious.
Wrong Way Number 35. Settling for one orgasm.
Wrong Way Number 36. Using sex to get what you want.
Wrong Way Number 37. Neglecting the PC muscle.
Wrong Way Number 38. Refusing to ‘dress up’.
Wrong Way Number 39. Not studying how a man’s body works.
Wrong Way Number 40. Not providing enough ‘foreplay’.
The 20 Biggest Mistakes Couples Make
Wrong Way Number 41. Not communicating about sex.
Wrong Way Number 42. Not talking in bed.
Wrong Way Number 43. Not practising safe sex.
Wrong Way Number 44. Not making time for sex.
Wrong Way Number 45. Basing sex on lust.
Wrong Way Number 46. Only having sex at night.
Wrong Way Number 47. Not using artificial lubricant.
Wrong Way Number 48. Attempting anal sex without lubrication.
Wrong Way Number 49. Smoking.
Wrong Way Number 50. Thinking a quickie is great sex.
Wrong Way Number 51. Having sex without the trimmings.
Wrong Way Number 52. Always using the missionary position.
Wrong Way Number 53. The 69.
Wrong Way Number 54. Thinking you have to be gagging for it before you can have sex.
Wrong Way Number 55. Having affairs.
Wrong Way Number 56. Not keeping fit.
Wrong Way Number 57. Drinking too much.
Wrong Way Number 58. Mistaking conflict for excitement.
Wrong Way Number 59. Always following the same routine.
Wrong Way Number 60. Ignoring technology.
Introduction
I wouldn’t like anybody to use anything in this book to tell a partner: ‘Look, you have to do this. It says so in the book.’
Nobody has to do anything.
My aim in writing the book is simply to point out:
•Some of the things women say men get wrong
•Some of the things men say women get wrong
•Some of the things couples get wrong.
Most important of all, I provide the solutions.
The 20 Biggest Mistakes Men Make
Wrong Way Number 1. Not taking directions from your partner.
This is a huge, huge, huge error. Believe me, it’s hard to make a bigger blunder than this one. But a lot of guys do make it.
This is the kind of thinking:
‘I’m not going to be bossed around in bed. I make love the way I make love. If she doesn’t like it that’s her hard luck.’
Yes, it certainly is her hard luck. But it’s yours as well. Here’s why:
If you don’t make her as excited as she could be then she won’t be as wet as she could be, her vagina won’t be as engorged as it could be, her breasts won’t be as swollen as they could be, her orgasms won’t be as powerful as they could be. And so on.
But that’s just the start of your mistake. There’s worse. If you reject her requests she’s going to stop making them. So you’re never going to hear how much she wants you to...to...
Well, that’s exactly it. You’ll never know.
Nor will you ever hear how excited it makes her to fantasize about...about...
What could it be? Masturbating in a café? Having sex in public? A threesome with you and her best friend?
So you’re missing out on a lot.
Apart from all that, you’ve just got completely the wrong attitude. The whole point of having sex with another person is not just to receive pleasure but also to give pleasure. The way you’re carrying on you just won’t make her very happy in bed.
And the right way...
The answer to this one is very simple. Imagine you told your partner how you like your penis to be stimulated and she completely ignored you and did something different, unexciting and possibly even painful.
Exactly! You wouldn’t like it. So don’t ignore her requests. It takes a certain amount of courage to say what you want in bed. So when she tells you...
Just do it!
Wrong Way Number 2. Not letting your partner stimulate herself during sex.
This is another huge mistake made by inexperienced men. Their thinking is this:
‘If she’s playing with herself while I’m having sex with her that means she’s not enjoying what I’m doing. It’s like she’s saying I’m not capable of giving her an orgasm. It’s an attack on my masculinity and I’m not putting up with it.’
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Of course she’s enjoying herself. But the fact is, the vast majority of women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone. Going in and out of the vagina is not enough. Clitoral stimulation is needed as well.
And someone has to do it.
Just think about it for a moment. Who masturbates your penis best? You or someone else? Who best knows when you’re about to have an orgasm? You or someone else?
And the right way...
The fact is, just as you know your body best, your partner knows better than you ever can the exact moment for clitoral stimulation. She knows when to do it, how hard to do it, how fast to do it, how long to do it... And, in fact, if she doesn’t do it, you should encourage her. Let her know that you’re happy for her to masturbate whenever she wants during sex with you – or at any other time. That’s the way for her to have truly awesome orgasms. Relax about it. She won’t be wanting masturbation instead of you. Her masturbation will make her want you inside her all the more.
That’s not to say, of course, that you can’t also play with her clitoris. Tickling, stroking, rubbing and licking are all great and, if you’re doing it right (see Numbers 6, 7 and 8) you can give her orgasms and make her really wet inside. But never imagine that you have sole rights over her clitoris. It’s hers, after all.
Wrong Way Number 3. Ejaculating every time.
Western men are under the impression that ejaculating is the whole point of sex. Well, it’s not. Enjoyable as it is, unavoidable as it is from time to time, ejaculation is actually the enemy of sex. Here’s why:
•Once you’ve ejaculated you can’t have sex again for a while.
Case proved.
Okay, if you’re a real stud you may be able to continue after a few minutes, and there are certainly men who can ejaculate several times in one session. But the truth is that most men stop after ejaculating just once. That’s why I say ejaculation is the enemy of sex. If you want to be able to enjoy sex every day, for as long as you want, then you need to be able to control ejaculation, so you only ejaculate when you decide to.
Here’s another thing. Ejaculation causes something called the ‘sexual hangover’. Instead of feeling happy and loving after sex, you feel irritable.
•Your dopamine level, which will have been very high during sex, plunges rapidly.
•Your androgen (‘male hormone’) receptor density falls.
•Your prolactin level rises, causing a sensation of fatigue and even mild depression, reducing your testosterone level and your sex drive.
The effect is most marked in older men but younger men can feel it, too.
So the next question is: How do you control ejaculation?
And the right way...
All kinds of bizarre methods have been described in sex books. I’ve tried all of them. Some don’t work and some require superhuman muscular finesse. But, in fact, controlling ejaculation is very simple. My method has two parts:
•Mental
•Physical
Here’s how the mental part works:
Make up your mind that, no matter how strong the urge, no matter how much you crave release from the tension, you will not ejaculate. Learn to love that tension. Think of it as the force that keeps you animated. Which it is. As the excitement builds up, tell yourself that ejaculation is not success, but failure. Whatever you do, don’t think any sexual thoughts when close to the point of no return (PNR).
And here’s how the physical part works:
When you feel yourself close to ejaculation, cease thrusting and pull both your spine and your stomach in. Do your best to get your navel onto your backbone. At the same time, let your tongue hang out and pant like a dog. Hard. Really hard. Okay, you might not look at your most attractive at that moment but your partner will probably be pulling a few faces of her own as well.
Tip.
Practise ejaculation control during masturbation. Aim to continue self-stimulation for an hour without ejaculating.
Wrong Way Number 4. Ignoring her other erogenous zones.
Are women more sensual than men? And is that why they enjoy being caressed all over their bodies? Or is it just that, compared with most men, they’re not in such a hurry to get to intercourse?
Whatever the explanation, the attitude of a lot of women is this:
•I wish he wouldn’t go straight for my clitoris and vagina. I’d like him to caress and massage me all over, working on my other erogenous zones first.
Where are those other zones?
Well, every woman is slightly different. But we’re mostly talking about:
•Kissing her lips
•Nibbling her ear lobes
•Blowing in her ears
•Nuzzling, sucking and nibbling her neck
•Tickling and caressing her breasts
•Sucking her nipples
•Sucking her toes (especially the big toe of the left foot)
•Stroking her inner thighs and buttocks.
There are some other important erogenous zones but, like the clitoris and vagina, they should be played with later. They are the labia, the perineum (between the anus and the vagina), the anus itself, and the G-spot inside the vagina (see Number 14 if you don’t know where it is).
If you think all this is boring you’re making a big mistake. Here’s why:
•You’re demonstrating you don’t really care about your partner and are only interested in your own satisfaction.
•You won’t be arousing your partner as much as you could with the result that (a) she won’t be as exciting to have intercourse with, and (b) she won’t be so eager to have sex with you again.
It has to be said there are some women who also think ‘whole body foreplay’ is boring. They also like to cut to the chase (the clitoris and vagina) straight away. And if that’s what they want, that’s what they want. But even with such a woman, you should at least ask her to let you try out your skills with her less famous erogenous zones. It may be that’s she’s just never been caressed and massaged very well before.
And the right way...
So what’s the right way to do it? Well, it all depends on the particular zone. The best approach is to arm yourself with a range of accessories and see what works. For example, you might try:
•Feathers
•Brushes of various kinds
•Massage cream
•Massage oil
•A loofah
•Breath
•Your beard (if you have one)
•Ice
•Fingertips lightly
•Fingertips with more pressure
•Fingernails
•Lips
•Teeth
Then just settle down to give your partner your entire attention. Focus on her pleasure, and it will become your pleasure, too. And if you’re good at it, you’re going to find a lovely, hot, wet vagina waiting for you...
Tip.
A great way to end a massage is to oil your own naked body then rub it all over hers.
Wrong Way Number 5. Using a vibrator like a penis.
Okay, okay, it probably looks very much like a penis. Vibrators generally do. But you shouldn’t use it like a penis (unless you’re specifically asked to). Here’s why:
•When women masturbate on their own they seldom insert anything into their vaginas.
•Imagine being a woman and seeing a guy coming towards you with an unnaturally hard, probably unnaturally large, orange missile in his fist, and wondering exactly what he’s going to do with it.
In the wrong hands a vibrator can hurt a lot. The vagina at rest is pretty small. And at the end of it are ovaries which are pretty delicate. Think testicles. So no woman wants to risk a man ramming a vibrator up her.
And the right way...
The expert way to use a vibrator is...to ask where she uses it on herself. For most women that will be on the clitoris – and possibly the nipples, labia, and entrance to the vagina (because only the outer third of the vagina is very sensitive). If she’s never used a vibrator before, you could hand it to her and invite her to explore the sensations for herself. Then you’ll get a pretty good idea of what works and what doesn’t.
What works for most women is this:
1.Hold the vibrator still on one side of the clitoris
2.Hold the vibrator still on the opposite side of the clitoris
3.Hold the vibrator still on the hood of the clitoris
4.Hold the vibrator still (and very gently) on the exposed glans of the clitoris.
The reason for working up gradually to the glans is that many women are too sensitive to be vibrated there straight away. It may actually hurt. If so, just continue to pleasure her on the hood or to the side.
If you’re not too clear about the clitoris take a look at Numbers 6, 7 and 8.
Tip.
No woman wants to have a vibrator used on her that’s been used on anyone else. If she has her own vibrator then there’s no problem. But if you’re supplying the vibrator it should be a new one that you only use on her – the first time, produce it in its unbroken packaging so she knows.
Wrong Way Number 6. Ignoring the clitoris.
Quite a lot of men still assume it’s vaginal penetration that most excites a woman. Wrong!
Here’s why:
•The vagina is not the female equivalent of the penis; it’s the clitoris that’s the equivalent of the penis.
You want to be stimulated on your penis and she wants to be stimulated on her clit.
If you want to know what it feels like to be a woman, then imagine that your penis is a clitoris and that your anus is a vagina. That’s about as close as a man can get. So where would you prefer the stimulation?
What happens with a woman is that after she’s become thoroughly excited she (usually) craves the sensation of her vaginal lips being opened and her vagina being filled. Women have this receptive aspect to their sexual characters. Having already been excited by clitoral stimulation, very many women will then come through vaginal stimulation.
But the key point is this:
•Only a minority of women come from vaginal stimulation alone.
I’ve had quite a few women tell me rather sadly that they can only come with a ‘hand job’. And I tell them they’re perfectly normal.
And the right way...
So what should you do? You should encourage her to rub her clit when she wants (see Number 2), you should rub her clit when she wants, and, most of all, you should give her a thorough licking (Number 7).
Wrong Way Number 7. Not performing cunnilingus well – or at all.
A lot of guys are very happy to ask for a blow job, but then refuse to perform cunnilingus in return, or do it only very reluctantly and badly.
Guys, this is another big mistake. If you don’t already love her vulva then learn to love it. It will be the best thing you ever did.
The first thing to point out is that girls are far more particular about hygiene than guys. Okay, you may be the most hygiene-conscious guy on the planet and she may not be very particular, but that’s unusual. If she’s willing to lick you, you should be willing to lick her. True, girls have this thing called menstruation. But it would be a very rare girl who asked to be licked at that time. When a girl isn’t menstruating you can happily eat your breakfast off her vulva.
The second thing to point out is that cunnilingus (from the Latin cunnus meaning vulva, and lingere meaning to lick) is the surest way to drive a girl wild with desire – and to make her come. So when you move on to intercourse she’s going to be lovely and wet inside. Yes, a fingertip applied to the clitoris is also very popular, but a warm, moist tongue is supreme.
And the right way...
What, then, are the best cunnilingus techniques?
The first thing is for both of you to get nice and comfortable. It could be a long time. And nothing is more comfortable than lying on a bed – she with a pillow or two under her buttocks and you between her thighs. With her crotch raised up like this you can sweep your tongue over everything from one end of her crack to the other. Another nice idea is for her to sit on a stool at the breakfast bar with her legs up on the bar and you standing between them.
Begin by just breathing onto her vulva. Tantalise her a bit. Next, tease her labia with the tip of your tongue. As the labia open and you taste her juice so you can begin to make more vigorous, sweeping strokes with the flat of your tongue. Quite soon she’ll be wanting more attention paid to her clitoris. Flick the tip of your tongue over the tip of her clit, getting faster and faster. To increase the excitement, retract the hood of the clitoris just a little and work on the exposed glans (unless she’s too sensitive for this – see Number 8). When your tongue gets tired you can continue to stimulate her with your lips, chin and, if you have one, beard – just gently press against her and move your head a little up and down very quickly.
Tip.
Remember: oral sex is not safe sex. You can catch various diseases including syphilis and gonorrhoea.
Wrong Way Number 8. Confusing the hood of the clitoris with the glans.
Not so long ago the clitoris was still a mystery to a lot of men – and quite a few women. There was a joke that went like this:
•Question: What’s the difference between a pub and a clitoris?
•Answer: It never takes a man more than ten minutes to find a pub.
In fact, just about every man nowadays would say he could put his finger straight onto his partner’s clitoris. There it is, that lovely little organ, like a tiny, soft, pink cashew nut, nestling where the vaginal lips join together above the vaginal entrance.
Well, so far so good. But what you’re actually putting your finger on there is just the shaft and hood.
You can think of the entire clitoris (or the clitoral system, as some sexologists call it) as being somewhat like the penis. The really sensitive part of the penis is under the foreskin (if you have one) and known as the glans. The clitoral system also has a glans, and it’s under the hood. To see it, place a finger very gently on the hood and retract it a couple of millimetres up towards her mound. You will there see revealed a tiny, probably redder, organ. You’re looking at the ultimate sex ‘toy’. The thing that, properly treated, will drive a woman crazy.
But if the clitoral system is like a penis, where’s the rest of it? The answer is inside. Just as the penis becomes engorged with blood, so the interior part of the clitoral system, running along the vagina, also becomes engorged. And just as with men, the speed of engorgement varies according to the intensity of excitement, age, health and so on. You can tell how things are going when you’re in the vagina. When there’s little or no engorgement it feels unresponsive. When it’s fully engorged it feels tight, fleshy and electric.
And the right way...
If you didn’t know about the glans then you’ve probably only ever been rubbing the shaft and hood. That’s fine as far as it goes. In fact, some women have a glans so sensitive they won’t want you to rub or lick it, anyway. But for the rest, the glans is where the action is, once the excitement has built up. So you need to retract that hood. Stimulating only the hood is the equivalent of stimulating the glans of the penis through the foreskin. Nice, but not mind blowing.
Just remember, the glans is very, very delicate. Don’t be rough or it will cause pain, not pleasure.
Wrong Way Number 9. Only offering a cuddle when you want sex.
This one is poison in any long-term relationship. Once a woman discovers that your cuddles are conditional on being able to have sex afterwards, so she’ll learn to reject them. It’s not that women don’t enjoy sex. It’s that they want cuddles far more often than they want sex. Your partner will learn (because that’s what you’ve taught her) that to avoid sex when she doesn’t want it, so she’ll have to avoid cuddles. And avoiding them becomes a habit.
Apart from that, women simply resent men attaching conditions to something that should be given freely. It hurts them. It makes them cynical.
That may not bother you very much when you’re twenty or thirty but by the time you get to fifty or sixty life without cuddles is a sad life.
And the right way...
The solution to this one is very simple. Give your partner plenty of non-sexual cuddles every day. No hands on tits. No hands down panties. Just nice, caring hugs.
And the funny thing is, you’ll not only have a much better relationship as a result, you’ll also have more and better sex.
Wrong Way Number 10. Not allowing enough time for your partner to get used to new ideas.
This is the mistake that turns something beautiful into something of a battleground. Here’s the standard scenario:
•You see something in a magazine or on a porn site and immediately want to try it out. Your partner, on the other hand, is happy with things as they are and doesn’t see the need to experiment with new things.
Scornful words and tears follow. And they’re quite unnecessary. Here’s why:
•If you’re in love, you have plenty of time - a lifetime, possibly.