Take My Advice
I Don’t Use It Anyway
By
Tammy Haldeman
Tammy Haldeman
Copyright 2011 Tammy Haldeman
Smashwords Edition
Take My Advice
I don’t use it anyway!
This book is dedicated to my sister, Robin Haldeman Jenkins, who is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. Robin, you are an inspiration to everyone who knows you. Your strength and faith and attitude are incredible and something I wish I could give to everyone.
To Lisa, thank you for your unending support and believing in me even when I didn’t. You are such a special person and friend. Thanks for “volunteering” your contributions.
To Lynnie, thank you for being my lifetime friend, honorary sister and editor at large.
Thank you to Heather Estay, author of its Never Too Late to Get a Life. Thank you for teaching me that you can write the same way you talk and giving me so much creative license without even knowing it.
THE EMPTY NAPKIN
So there I was sitting in the airport in Minneapolis, Minnesota trying to figure out how to eat my “meal in a box” thingy. Seriously, how does one gracefully, or any other way, do that? You have to rip the sides of the box just to reach the food and then there is still too much box left for it to resemble a plate by any stretch of the imagination. To my left were two young people working a crossword that looked to be very much in love. From my 40 year old eye they looked to be about “12.” Although I am sure in real people years they were 18 or 19. In front of me was a chubby Colonel Sanders looking guy in his gold power tie trying to eat his “meal in a box” while attempting to appear as if eating at the Gordon Ramsay in London. I am positive I looked like exactly what I was…a 40 year old in sweats, Tennessee sweatshirt, “Life is Good” cap and slip on Rocket Dog tennies I bought about a minute and a half before boarding the plane because I forgot mine at home. You see I do things like that. I buy sweatshirts from the places I visit and I impulse shop for tennies when I realize I have forgotten mine and I will not wear dress shoes with my sweats and I will not wear dress clothes traveling home from business trips. I believe it to be taboo.
I was jotting away on my napkin and taking bites that were a little too big. I was waiting for the plane that would take me a little closer to home; having just attended the year beginning meeting. It was March. Doesn’t the year still begin in January? Even the Wal-Mart year begins in February. It was about the time that Colonel Sanders got up to throw away his empty box that I realized there were actually places in the airport that sold notebooks and if I were going to continue my thought process I may want to give up on the napkin idea and graduate to honest to goodness writing paper.
I was returning home from a meeting that was supposed to be motivational. It was! As I sat there being inspired by the likes of Gene Kranz, flight director responsible for Apollo 13’s safe return to Earth and entertained by Garth Brooks and motivated by famous, motivational speaker Krish Danham’s protégé, Joel Zeff, it occurred to me that I was actually inspired and motivated! In fact it hit me like a ton of bricks. No wait. Stupid analogy. It hit me like when you are on vacation and you realize you left the stove on and everyone that might have a key to your house is with you and you have to frantically call your sister to have your brother-in-law break in your house to turn it off. That is how it occurred to me that I was inspired and motivated. However, it wasn’t inspiration and motivation that would cause me to do more as a leader for the multi-billion dollar company I worked for. It was the kind of motivation and inspiration that makes you want to do it for YOU! It was the kind that makes you say I can do more. I can be more. I can leave my own legacy. And all of a sudden it didn’t matter that I was 40. It didn’t matter that I was divorced. It didn’t matter that I was not from some rich or influential family. What mattered was that I had that plain white napkin sitting on the table right beside my “meal in a box” and I had a pen in my purse! I could either sit there and wish I had a lap top with me or I could grab that unused napkin and fill it with the thoughts I had flying around in my head. I could start jotting. I could fill the napkin. I could go buy the notebook. I could do what others had done. At some point the Zig Ziglars and Krisha Dhanams of the world had sat in a DQ in an airport with their own empty napkin just waiting to be filled with either the remains of their “meal in a box” or their inspirational thoughts they would later share with the world. Which would I do? At that very point I decided that I was not going to waste this year’s inspiration and motivation on anyone else. I was going to use it on the person I knew I could be. I was going to be the person who Krisha Dhanam and Joel Zeff told me they knew I already was! Suddenly I knew what my passion was. I couldn’t define it exactly. I could only do the napkin outline, but it was getting clearer and clearer and soon it would be notebook worthy and eventually it would become laptop quality. I would have written on the plane but instead I took all that new found passion and fell soundly asleep!
What Gives Her the Right?
So what do I know? What gives me the right to tell you anything about your life? What are my credentials? Let’s just cut to the chase. I don’t have any. I am not a psychiatrist. I am not a sociologist. I am not a psychologist. I don’t have a B.A. from anywhere. I only know what I have lived through. I only know what I know.
If you are looking for some professional that has lived the perfect life with the same husband for over 35 years and has two wonderful children in college and a great career to give you advice on how to get through the turmoil and day to day struggles of life altering things like divorce, you have come to the wrong book. I am merely someone who lived to tell about it. I am just a girl who married for better or for worse but when it really got worse I bailed! I am that girlfriend that you pick up the phone and talk to so the two of you can solve all of the world’s problems by talking it to death for a couple of hours while you clean your house. I am the person who may not know it all but will analyze it beyond all recognition until we both think we know it. If you aren’t really looking for an Oprah or a Dr. Phil then you have come to the right place. There is a saying that goes, “We will cross that bridge when we come to it.” Sister, I have come to the bridge and my saying has become, “We will jump off that bridge when we get to it.” See the difference between all of the professional’s books and this one is this; I made it to the bridge and yet I found no way to simply cross. I knew if I was ever to get to the other side and be able to keep going I was going to have to make that leap of faith. I needed to jump! So if you have come to that same bridge and find no place to cross and you are searching for a little help jumping off that bridge and getting on with your life then this is your book.
Throughout my 40 years I have gained a little knowledge and wisdom and some of it I have even applied to my own life as a test for you. You’re welcome! I have gleaned little nuggets of truth that have always worked. I have gathered little tidbits that have sometimes worked, could have worked if applied correctly and never worked on any of my stuff, but who knows you may get lucky. So instead of hording all of this gaining, gleaning and gathering, I will attempt to share it all with you through some anecdotes, stories and accounts of things I think, know, or have lived to tell about for your reading pleasure. There are things I have developed a stance on. These are the things I lovingly refer to as the Tammy Theories! I have a theory on almost everything that you will encounter in your life. Don’t worry I only plan to share a handful. If you are lucky enough to be in my circle of loved ones you have already heard most of them. I am not going to list them off one by one. You will just have to read on and find out how good my theories are and decide whether any of them apply to your life. Have I piqued your interest? I have piqued mine! I think it will be fun for both of us to see how I might squeeze these great theories into this book without knowing what your current situation is. You, as a reader, now have the responsibility of hanging in there and reading page after page to see if I deliver or not. My first theory is; a great percentage of people have already glanced ahead by this point just to see if they can locate one or two and then come right back here, read this and either smiled or laughed at themselves because I called it. That theory is not my first life-learned theory by the way. That was just an observation of human nature that I think is a probability. My instincts have carried me a long way and perhaps, just perhaps, they can take you for a jaunt as well. Really, that is what my theories are all about – instinct. Trust them! Make them your friend. If your instincts say this is not the guy for you, he isn’t. If your instincts tell you that someone is cheating, they probably are.
If your instincts tell you it is time to move on it probably is. If your instincts say that you need to hang in there for a little longer or you will feel cruddy about yourself that is true too. Honey, you know you better than anyone knows you. Trust yourself. Now if you are one of those people who need to see the proof, I will address that also. Webster states that instinct is a natural or acquired tendency and then explains tendency as an inclination to move or act in a particular direction or way. In other words when your instincts speak to you it is natural for you to follow that instinct. If you don’t you are really going against nature as it was intended to be and nothing good can come of that.
Okay, I say all of that to say this. When I was going through my divorce everyone thought they knew what was best for me. The only thing I knew is I didn’t. I remember distinctly saying over and over again, “I don’t know.” I used that statement about everything that had to do with me. I don’t know. Should I file? Note. I couldn’t say the “D” word so I would never have said, “Should I file for divorce?” I don’t know. Should I stay and pretend its okay? I don’t know. Should I stay in the house? I don’t know. Should I fight for full custody? I don’t know. Sometimes I said it for no reason at all. I would just walk around mumbling “I don’t know” until someone asked me what I was doing. So don’t worry if you don’t know. Take your time to search yourself and your instincts until you do know. Your instincts will guide you and if you misread one of those answers just jump off that bridge and use your instincts to lead you to the next one. If everyone is telling you to take him for all he’s worth but your instincts are telling you that you will feel crappy later if you do that, follow that instinct and make darn sure of the reason and do what you know is right. If everyone is telling you that you need to fight for full custody but you feel like your instincts are leading you into some joint custody right off the bat just to keep it civil for the kids, do that. There are no set in stone right answers in any of this. There is not a rule book. There has never been one and this sure isn’t it.
Some of this may seem like really bad advice later when you have shared custody and you have no money but trust me when I tell you when you are true to yourself it will serve you better later. I firmly believe that when you are taught “do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” they leave out one part. It should be taught as, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you no matter what they have done to you in the past.” My X could be vicious in some ways. He could cut me to the quick faster than anyone in the world. When someone does that your first instinct is to say, and I did, “If the person who is supposed to love me the most in the world thinks I am a piece of crap, maybe I am.” Not true. Not true! Not true!! The person who is supposed to love you the most in the world should treat you as a prize in their world and if they are not that is not about you. That is about them.
I have always been one of those people who can’t tell if God is talking to me or not. You know what I mean? You hear people say, “God spoke to me.” Well, if He speaks to me He needs to kick it up a notch or I need a new celestial hearing aide. Most of the time I think, “Maybe that is God speaking to me,” and then talk myself out of it and decide it’s just me talking to myself. So whether you call it God speaking to you or nature or instinct or women’s intuition, trust it.
Let me tell you about a time my instincts were in full working order. I finally think I am ready to date. I am at a local bar with a large group of friends and I meet this guy. He is obviously in the military. There is a military base nearby, so most of us grew up being able to spot a G.I. from a mile away … our moms told us they were bad news, just out for one thing. You know the type. So anyway, I just want someone to dance with and maybe take me out to eat to sort of test the waters. I am feeling bold, with a little liquid courage under my belt so when we make eye contact I am pretty sure he is interested. While he is making eye contact with my eyes I am making eye contact with his left ring finger. Nope. Nothing there. When the next slow song came on I motioned for him to come out on the dance floor and dance with me. By the way, alcohol impairs instincts! So we dance and he seems nice enough. He tells me he is divorced with one son. He is talkative, interested in me and what I like to do. It is one of the last songs of the night. He asks for my phone number so I give it to him.
He calls me the next day and the day after that and every day that week. He calls me from work and late at night. He asks my favorite color and flower and kind of movie. He asks where my favorite place to travel is. He even calls me and lets me talk to his son. By the end of the week something just doesn’t feel right. I can’t put my finger on it, but something is wrong. I know he is going to ask me out. When he does, I am honest. He says, “So should we get together tomorrow night.” I say, “No, I don’t think so.” He asks why and I said, “I just think that it should feel right and I should be excited to go and I am feeling very apprehensive.” He gets angry and hangs up. I tell my sister and she says, “Well if you didn’t feel good about it…” That’s it. That’s all she said. We know about instincts in our family and we even trust each others. I tell my friend and she says, “Well if you didn’t feel good about it…” but she has that tone in her voice like she wants to say, “Quit finding something wrong with every guy.” A few weeks later I have completely forgotten about ‘military guy.’ I am driving out of my sister’s driveway and my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number but for some reason I answer it. A woman on the other end says, “Who is this?” I said, “You called me. Who is this?” She rattles off some name I have never heard. I said “Can I help you?” She said, “Do you know who I am?” I said, “No.” She then gives me a male’s name I have never heard and asked if I knew who that was. I told her, “No, I have never heard that name either.” She said, “Well that is funny because your number sure is on his cell phone bill a lot.” I said, “I have never heard of that person before, but if my number is on the bill maybe I do know him. Is he from a fire protection company?” I am thinking of people I deal with at work. She says, “No, but are you military?” I said, “No.” She politely thanks me for my time and we hang up, both of us thinking it is something work related.
I get home and start ironing. I do my best thinking while I am either in the shower or ironing. All of a sudden it dawns on me how close the name she gave me is to the military dude’s name; the guy that was calling me, that I danced with and almost went on a date with. I freaked out. I called her back and said, “I met a guy a few weeks ago that was military. He gave me this name and told me he was divorced. He asked me out but something didn’t feel right about the whole thing so I told him no and I didn’t’ go. Could that be your husband?” She asked me to describe him. I did and told her his son’s name. She said, “That’s him and this isn’t the first time he’s pulled this.” I told her how sorry I was she was in such a position and she thanked me for being honest about everything. Thank goodness I trusted my instincts on that one. I would have hated the first date since my divorce to be with a married guy who didn’t even give me the right name! Trust those instincts girls.
The Tammy-theory is this; God gave us instincts so we would better know what to do in certain situations, because even though God is everywhere, he can’t make all of our decisions for us.
Let me give you an example of a time my instincts weren’t working so well. This one my friends and I lovingly refer to as “The Date from Hell.” I say lovingly because it has become the story that makes my friends actually run over to me when we are out and say, “Tell your ‘Date from Hell’ story.” I was taking a couple of classes the summer after my divorce Forgive me as I go off on a bit of a tangent and then resume my story, I can’t control myself. Do that too. . Do something you have always wanted to do but never did because of the person in your life. If you said, “I would like to take yoga classes,” and the X said that would be a waste of money, then take that yoga class! It will be good for you. It will give you self esteem and a sense of self and a sense of freedom. And it will empower you to make decisions by yourself, at a time when you may have had little experience with making independent decisions, not to mention that it’s great to let X see you happy. I would never encourage revenge but if that is something you desire you need to know your happiness is your greatest revenge. Fortunately it will also be your greatest reward, which is way more important.
You need to find out what is important to you. You have been you with X for a long time and now you need to find out who you are without X. What decisions would you have made in certain situations? What kind of wall paper would you have put in the bathroom if he didn’t hate it? What color would you have painted the walls in your bedroom if he didn’t say that it would look retarded? Men do that. They don’t have the ‘picture it’ gene God gave us. You know that gene we have that allows us to picture exactly how the room will look when we do exactly what we want to it. Most men are missing that gene. You say, “I would like to paint the bedroom a plum color.” He envisions purple and belligerently says, “There is no way you are painting the walls of the room I have to sleep in Viking purple.” They do that too. They equate it with something they can relate to, like sports or cars or beer.
Sorry, back to the story. So I went to the class and afterward I met this guy at the local bar/restaurant. He was very noticeable since he is very tall and quite nice looking. He had a nice smile. We hit it off right away and I found out he is divorced and he has the largest share of custody of his two girls. I thought well he can’t be too bad if he got custody of the kids, right? We talked until the place was about ready to close. He told me he would really like to see me again. I gave him my phone number and we decided we would do something that Saturday because neither of us had our kids that weekend. This happened on a Thursday evening. As I was leaving the parking lot I received a text message on my phone. It was from him. It said, “Two more sleeps until I get to see you again.” I thought I had found the love of my life! The next day I received a message saying, “One more sleep.” I couldn’t believe my luck. He called the next night and we decided that if I traveled to his house that would be awkward because I wouldn’t want to stay overnight and the same thing would happen if he came to my house. We live about an hour and a half away from each other.
Here is where my stupidity kicked in, my instincts flew out the window and I got dumb. He said he had never been to the Mall of America, which is about a two and a half hour drive away from my house. We decided to meet at a Wal-Mart store near the restaurant where we met on Thursday. I got there first. As soon as he drove in and parked his car and took it for granted that I was driving, a red flag should have gone up. Nope. Nothing. He put his things in my car and away we went. He immediately started talking about his job and how good he was at it. I thought, “Oh he is trying to impress me. That’s kind of cute.” We carried on a nice conversation on the way. It seemed as though things were going fairly well. We reached our destination and started to walk around. He immediately started cutting people down. He would say something like, “Gee, maybe we should have checked the mirror before we left the house.” Or “I guess she couldn’t find the brush this morning.” Or, “They must have been running a special on gaudy outfits.” He only said these things to me but I did not like it. Then, we decided to have lunch. The old instincts finally found me when he said, “One time I was in a meeting at work and I got so mad I got a nose bleed.” Now I have been angry and I have even felt like getting up and leaving a meeting but I don’t know anyone who actually got so angry they gave themselves a nosebleed. My friends, the instincts were screaming anger management issues. And yet we shopped on.
I discovered early on that he had a thing against people who like Harley Davidson, which is roughly half the population or more these days. So we went into a shop that had pictures of Harleys and he was making rude comments the whole time. I was not impressed. We were wandering in and out of stores and he went in one I just wasn’t interested in going into. So I was standing at the railing with my packages dangling in my hands, while I watched the people on the floor below. All of a sudden he came out of the store, walked up behind me and cracked me hard on the ass with his hand! I literally had to make a last second grab for my packages I nearly dropped to the floor below. I was speechless and it is no small feat to render me speechless. At that point he draped his arm across my shoulders and we walked away, he mercilessly cutting people down, me in a state of shock. I continued walking through the mall thinking, “What did I get myself into here? How can I get myself out of this mess?”
We looked at some funny t-shirts in one store. One would think that would be harmless enough right? As we walked away he referenced one particularly vulgar shirt and said, “I’ll wear that when I meet your dad.” My mind screamed, “WHAT?”, while I stood there speechless yet again. Oh there’s more. We were going up the escalator when he said, “Right there” and pointed to a spot on his neck. I looked and saw nothing. Again he pointed to a spot on the side of his neck and said, “Right there.” I still saw nothing. I was thinking perhaps luck was with me and he had been bitten by a bee and he was extremely allergic and his throat was going to swell shut and I would call 911 and drive home alone. Nope. No such luck. “I need a kiss right there,” he said. Now I know why my mother made up the word ‘umpteenth.’ I was in shock for the umpteenth time that day. What could I do? I leaned over and gave him the kind of peck you would give to the dog the neighbor kid wants you to kiss goodbye. You know, “Don’t forget to kiss Skippy good bye too.” So you do.
Oh yeah, we aren’t done yet. By this time it’s getting late and we are both hungry, so we decide to go to Bubba Gump Shrimp. The waitress seated us and asked if she could get us anything to drink. My “date” requests a 22oz. Bud. I asked for a bottle of light beer. By this time I needed a drink. She set the glass in front of him and before she could walk away he had it guzzled. Yup, I was in shock and this time I couldn’t hide it. He responded to my look of horror with, “I told you I was thirsty. I will take another one of those.” The waitress brought him another and again he had it gone before she walked away. So, now I am thinking ‘Great anger management issues AND a drinking problem.’