Help Her Climax--Gloriously!
By Edward ("Ted") Pohlman, Ph. D.
Published by Edward Pohlman, Ph.D. at Smashwords
Copyright 2012 Edward ("Ted") Pohlman
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Contents Help Her Climax---Gloriously!
1 Manly Pride In Being Genuinely Helpful?
2 Linger Longer in Leisurely Lovemaking
3 "Use Your Head, Man!" [Oral Sex]
4 Lifetimes of Amazing Sexual Changes for Her and You
5 Loving More Than One? [Polygamy, Polyandry & Multiple Partners]
Her Psychology and Her Orgasm
6 Guilt Feelings and Her Orgasm
7 Is Her Conscience God's Voice?
8 Her Bible, Her Torah and Her Orgasm
9 Masturbation, Guilt and The Bible
10 Does She Want you to be "Daddy"?
11 Psychologically Best Times For Decisions
Her Secret Turn-Ons
12 Her Distinctive Preferences (and Fetishes?)
13 A Magical Secret that Helps some Women
Broad Ethical Responsibilities
14 Avoiding Deeply Unwanted Births
15 Babies! Root of all "Planetary Problems"?
16 Lessons from China for Your Bedroom?
We Men Have Problems Too
17 How Important is Your Penis?
18 Male Problems at Any Age [premature ejaculation; erection problems]
19 Sex After Sixty or Seventy [when young men, and young couples, get older]
Finally
20 2020; A New "20/20" Ethical Vision?
About the Author Books and Musical CDs by "Dr. Ted Index
Dedication:
To all lovers who are young at heart, whether they are old or young!
Chapter 1
Manly Pride in Being Genuinely Helpful?
Can you take pride and satisfaction in being deeply helpful to her? This is a whole basic attitude you can develop if you wish to. Make her happier, she'll make you happier!
“Pre-orgasmic” is a euphemism for women who have not learned to climax--"yet." The same attitudes and procedures that may help “pre-orgasmic” women, may also help women who already do climax, to grow into even more satisfying total sex lives.
Faking a Climax
Some women never climax—including some wives whose husbands think their wives climax. Pressure from us men may make a woman "fake" an orgasm. ("There, now are you satisfied, you jerk?") This can be done very convincingly, as shown in a movie where the leading lady sat in a cafe and faked an orgasm publicly. Another lady customer told the waitress, "I'll have what she's having!" It is difficult for a man to fake an erection. But women can learn to fake a "coming."
Climaxing "In Other Ways"
Some women can climax but only in masturbation, or only with a man's fingers or tongue, or a vibrator. But you may learn to better meet her needs. Many women fantasize that they are having sex with someone else, when doing it with their regular partner. (Ask her and she’ll probably deny it!) As you become more skillful, she may have less need to think of a movie star, because you are the most richly satisfying star.
Putting Her Feelings First
Helping her climax for the very first time. Or to climax for the first time with a partner. Or helping her climax in a more wonderful, beautiful way. These are the helping things I hope you can learn from reading this book, to do even more effectively.
Perhaps the one most important thing is for you to truly feel, deeply feel, that her joy and satisfaction brings great pleasure and pride to you. Somehow the rewards of learning that, will sneak up on you and hit you on the head with joy! You may find yourself meeting your needs in an indirect way, rather than more "selfishly."
"Animals!"
For some horny young men eager to conquer and stick it in her and get it off quickly and earth-shatteringly--maybe to put another notch in the belt and brag to the other guys---it may be unusual to think of her needs first. Among non-human mammals, the males get their horny satisfaction and do not appear to care much about whether females enjoy sex. Typically a human male must ejaculate to get a female pregnant; but there is no requirement that human females must climax or even enjoy sex, to get pregnant.
Female orgasm among non-human mammals does not appear to be common. (We are not assuming evolutionary theory anywhere in this book; some readers believe in strict creationism in six literal days.) Even if God specifically designed and built each species within a creation week of six literal days, a species still has to survive. For that survival, the male animal ejaculates. Female orgasm was never crucial. So maybe it is only natural that young men need to be horny and get it off quickly. But perhaps that is one of the ways in which we humans can be distinctively "not mere animals."
Animal Foreplay?
Non-human animals do not take much time for what we humans might specifically think of as foreplay. But many of the features of animal "body design" and behavior seem to reward males who win the battle and attract the female. The seemingly "useless" and "in-the-way" feathers of the peacock's tail seem to be part of the competition for the peahen's consent. (The peahen is less colorful than the peacock. In most bird species the male is much more colorful.) Some theorists have argued that the terribly cumbersome, beautiful "tail of the male" peacock may be a way of impressing the female, in effect, that "See, if I can manage even these complex and cumbersome things so well, I must be pretty macho!" Male birds' courtship dances and displays might be thought of as a sort of foreplay.
Incidentally, the Bible refers to the glories of the "groom coming out of his chamber," reminding us that in some cultures it was the man, and not the bride, who was dressed more strikingly (Psalm 19: 5). For you Christian Bible sleuths, compare this with the words attributed to Jesus in one of his parables, where it seems that even in His much later era, the focus was still on the groom (Matthew 25: 1-10). Like the birds?
Speaking of birds and other non-human animals: some of them mate for life in a monogamous twosome. But in other species there is a lot of what humans might consider promiscuous screwing around. For example, DNA studies of the eggs and little chicks, in the nests of some bird species, show that a mother bird often had sex with several males. In the lake on which I live, the Canada geese and the mallard ducks all swim near each other. Canada geese couples mate for life. But among mallards, every spring I see multiple males mounting the same female, much like what humans might call gang rape. Perhaps monogamy is a way in which humans can be different from "mere animals"?
"Putting Her First"-- And the World's Great Religions
Whether you are religious or not, whether you are an atheist or a true believer, you can still respect the wisdom found in the great religious traditions that have survived through the centuries. The goal of service to others is central to most of these traditions. Many people report that helping others, making others happy, is the most satisfying aspect and goal of their lives. Putting her first in your lovemaking will pay off for both of you. "Do unto others (the ladies?) as you would have them do unto you."
Written for Lesbian Ladies too
Almost everything in this book applies to lesbian ladies too, ladies whose lady partners have never climaxed, or whose partners might be helped to even more satisfying orgasmic experiences. Lesbians sometimes say that another woman can be much more empathic with, sensitive to, and patient with, their female needs. But gentlemen, "Why can't a man….be more like a lesbian," at least in this regard?
We Humans are Not Just Machines
Improving our sex lives is not just a matter of learning to push this or that button. Sex may take place alone, but usually it is most satisfying with another person. This interpersonal context may be the focus of anger and hurting, exploitation, commercialism (sex for sale), coldness, regret, sorrow, guilt. But hopefully you can help make your mutual lovemaking a matter of great joy.
There is a common joke among "sexperts" about the man who talks about all the wonderful secrets he knows that can drive women wild, secrets guaranteed to make a woman magnificently happy—but who never seems able to make a woman happy! You can avoid being such a man.
Who “Owns” her Orgasm?
We men sometimes tend to insist that a woman MUST have an orgasm, for our sake. The simplistic boast is "Hey, I conquered her sexually;" the new macho boast may become "Hey, I bagged an orgasm out of her." There is some danger that even if you determine to be helpful, you may then feel that, "by gosh," with your new generous attitude, she darn well better climax—for your sake.
A woman’s orgasm is her own “property,” not yours. It is not there just to be a badge of your success, a scalp you collect, a notch on your belt. If she does not climax you may be angry or disappointed. That may even force her to start faking, to satisfy your ego.
If we were faced with just two choices--is the woman’s orgasm her property or yours--definitely it is hers. The same is true of a man’s orgasm: it is "his property." But it is not either-or; we can see a mutualism, a loving working together that helps the man climax, and where she is a definite key factor. For her, and for you, you are acting together and you each play a role in whether orgasm takes place.
"A Man Needs a Woman Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle"
The battle for equality between men and women has resulted in many victories, though there is still a long way to go before women are truly equal in respect, rewards and privileges. Some extremists in this battle have coined the slogan, “A Woman Needs a Man Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle!”
That is a wonderfully gripping and graphic figure of speech. A word picture is sometimes worth a thousand other words. That word picture grabs our attention and communicates. How ridiculous to think a woman needs a man! But could that equally well (or equally wrongly?) be said of whether a man needs a woman?
An “analogy” (usually something that makes the parallel by using the words “like” or “as”)—an analogy does not prove anything in itself. It just sets up a parallel. If the point being made is true, then the analogy simply makes the true point graphic, dramatic. But if the point being made is false, then a beautiful and gripping analogy simply drives in this FALSE point.
The true point is that women do indeed need us men; and we men need them! Most men truly and deeply need women. And most women need men. If necessary, we may be able to masturbate or take cold showers or abstain. We may be able to live without an intimate friend or partner. But we may still feel unmet needs when we are all alone. A century-old song moaned, "Nights are long, since you went away; I dream about you, all through the day…your buddy misses you." Longings like that can happen whether it is a gay or straight partner that we prefer and miss. (No, a woman does not need a man, if she has another good female partner and prefers that.)
Not Enough Good Men!
In North America, there are close to ten million more single older women than single older men! As a result many women—a far larger group than among men—must learn to get along without a close partnership with the opposite sex. But this does not mean that we do not feel a loss and a lack. Men, this may open up opportunities, if your moral views and your interests permit it, to "help out" in a situation where good men are scarce and you are a "good man." To come to the rescue, take advantage of the supply-demand ratio! In a chapter on love and sex in the older years, we will make some suggestions relating to this. (Chapter 19, but also you may be surprised at Chapter 5.)
Women are the Superior Sex
In the specific matter of sex, in several ways women are the superior gender. This is especially true as we move through middle age and into the older years. Although it is not common, some women are able to have a huge number of orgasms in the same lovemaking session. That is not true about most of us men!
Men are more likely to experience sex and orgasm as a specific, localized, genital matter. Women are more likely than men to feel erotic as a more pervasive, all-body process, and also to sense orgasm in that way.
On the average men seem to reach their physiological peak of sexual capacity in the late teens. Some time after the early twenties, on the average they begin to decline gradually, and this decline continues with age, though we men can be helped to minimize the decline. But many women do not discover their full enjoyment of sexuality until a decade or more after the age at which men seem to “peak.” Then if women do "discover orgasm" and if all factors are right, in general women seem able to continue this strong level of enjoyment as they age. Menopause need not decrease it. It can continue unabated into the eighties and beyond, as research has clearly shown.
We will give further details to fill in this quick sketch. But against this background, there is reason to hope that your partner, this wonderful creature we call woman, can with your skillful help enjoy a fulfilling sex life for all her years. So can you, though it may require added help in your latest years.
Must you Climax to have Good Sex?
It is definitely possible for men and women to have sexual experiences that they consider good, without climaxing. They may have good “sexual” experiences that do not include intercourse. If there is intercourse, it may not result in climax for the man, or for the woman, and yet still be perceived as good. Among some women who never climax, sex and intimacy are still viewed as good.
Must you be Married to have Good Sex?
Traditionally many groups have believed that God/Allah requires that a man and woman must be married in order to have sex at all. There have been many changes among most cultures in many people's attitudes about this. Some hold that sex outside of marriage is sinful; others disagree. Some couples can have enjoyable sex without being married. But whether this is approved by God, or is sinful and bad in the eyes of heaven, is a question about which even deeply religious people disagree sharply. (See our Chapters 6, 7 and 8)
Must you be "In Love" to have Good Sex?
When “premarital sex” became much more acceptable among American youth, there was a need felt in the minds of some youth for some new standard. The more commonly accepted previous standard had been that you must be married to have sex. The new and more liberal standard (which many still consider wrong because it "tolerates sin") became that you should be “in love” to have sex.
Since many youth wanted to have sex, but wanted to feel they were doing the right thing, which they now defined as sex only when in love, they more quickly convinced themselves that they were “in love.” They now tended to fall “in love” and "out of love" and “in love” with a new partner more quickly, to justify and keep up with their various relationships.
Some people report having satisfactory sexual relationships with partners whom they like and feel close to but are not “in love with.” They often claim that intimacy, caring, closeness are important. Through a strange twist in the way we use words, it is possible to “make love” with someone you do not “love”! Thus you may not “love” your “lover”!
Many people would claim that the most satisfying and fulfilling sex relationships are with a partner whom they love. Some others, especially men, would disagree, sometimes citing the excitement and adventure of new “lovers.” On the average, statistically, more partners mean a higher risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs, the newer term for what used to be called VD, Venereal Disease). These include HIV/AIDS, which can kill you. In the U. S. each year, there are 19 million new cases of STDs each year, including 56,000 HIV cases, according to the Centers for Disease Control. A national survey in 2010 reported that "sexually active singles use a condom only one-third of the time." [1] (In this book, numbers like [1] refer to "References," sources, listed at the end of a chapter.)
She may require Many Loving Sessions before She ever Climaxes
There are many physical and psychological factors that affect whether a man, or a woman, climaxes. And on the average women are more sensitive to “hindrances” to climaxing than we men are. These hindrances can include a whole life history of learning and living, and it may be too much to hope that you can quickly overcome that. Even with your very best efforts, it may take a long time, many sessions over weeks or even months, with gradual learnings and changes, before the impact of your “new” approaches pays off in her climaxing, or climaxing more gloriously.
Orgasm is not the only possible goal, for a man or for a woman; better lovemaking, even without orgasm, can bring joy to both partners. Ultimately all you can do is create a good relationship in which she may be able, with your support and help, to enjoy a more wonderful love life. That will be wonderful for you, too.
My Background for Writing on this Topic
For thirty years I was a professor of psychology at a university in California, the University of the Pacific. For 20 years of that time, I taught large undergraduate courses in Human Sexuality. I also taught graduate courses in sexuality for people working to earn California’s Marriage, Family and Child Counseling credential, locally nicknamed "MFCC."
For a short time I was a staff psychologist in a psychiatric hospital. I married a girl from Intercourse, Pennsylvania (from whose post office the very first issue of Playboy magazine was mailed). We have two grown children, Douglas and Sharon. Over the years I have done a great deal of counseling with students and faculty in university communities, including marriage and specifically sex counseling.
I bring an extensive religious background to considerations of sex, and believe that religion and religious beliefs are often enormously important to our sex. (For those of a frankly more secular orientation, these factors are less crucial.) My parents were missionaries in India, where I was born and spent the first dozen years of my life. I became a clergyman in Ohio before becoming a psychologist, and still conduct Sunday services.
Since retiring, for 22 years I have "worked" 4 or 5 months a year on cruise ships. At various times my official job has been lecturer; ballroom dance class teacher; dance host for unaccompanied ladies; paid pianist; paid marimba player; or clergyman. No matter what the official job on that particular cruise, I always volunteer to conduct Sunday worship services if needed, and to play all the piano the bosses want, in the central atriums or anywhere else. I have worked on four "world cruises" of 3 or 4 months each; on the last one I was officially the ship chaplain, and also played piano, lectured, and gave individual psychological counseling (in a unique idea for cruise ships, a "Counseling Center" aboard ship) to guests who wished it. (I have never seen such a center on any other cruise ship!)
I have a seminary training, and a Masters degree in Theology as well as a Masters and Ph. D. in Psychology, both the latter two from the Ohio State University in Columbus. I have published twenty other books, been a consultant for two years to the Government of India, and for two summers to the World Health Organization in Geneva.
__________
Below is a "reference," in keeping with our policy of putting little numbers such as [1] in the writing itself, to refer to a corresponding number at the end of that chapter such as the number 1 below. The numbers do not continue from one chapter to another; the first reference in any chapter is numbered 1.
(1) Discover magazine, June 2011, p. 13
Chapter 2
Linger Longer in Leisurely Lovemaking
Our one single most important suggestion is to take a longer time—a very much longer time—in the lovemaking process. Young men tend to think of intercourse as the supreme and standard part of the physical sex relationship. Many women have never learned to climax in intercourse. Others have, but only if there is long, preliminary stimulation before intercourse. Or, they may never have climaxed at all. Or they have learned to do it "in other ways," such as in masturbation or with a vibrator.
Over many lovemaking sessions, you may be able to help her learn to climax if she never has, or to climax in other ways than her previous patterns. But the wisest general rule is to assume that your lady partner needs a very long time of patient foreplay and stimulation before you attempt intercourse--and before you ejaculate in intercourse (and perhaps lose interest in pleasuring her further).
Eager, Horny Studs
The typical young man is quickly erect and ready to start intercourse almost immediately. The typical woman, and doubly so the typical young woman, needs an enormously longer time before she is ready for intercourse, if indeed she ever is. We men tend to "project our feelings" onto female partners, assuming that they are ready for us to "put it in" just as quickly as we are ready to do so. In new young marriages, this is a common complaint, and marriage counselors hear it often. At any age in any relation-ship, it can be a huge problem. So: Keep thinking about taking L--O--N--G--E--R.
Why we Men Fail to take Enough Time
Our biology, perhaps our evolutionary heritage (if you believe in evolutionary theory), and our cultural learning, all combine to make us men "quick." Another reason: we may be afraid we'll have a premature ejaculation outside of her body. And sometimes we men are afraid our erections will disappear if we don’t climax pretty soon. If you engage in any sort of foreplay, even starting with hugging and kissing and sweet talking, or even if there is no direct manipulation by (or of) your penis, but instead you are concentrating more on finger manipulation of her genitals or using your mouth on them, that can lead you to an erection. This may be even more likely if she touches your “manhood,” as writers of romance fiction often refer to it. So here you have an erection, and you may well worry that it will disappear, so you’d better climax before you lose it and embarrass yourself and her. In old age, say after 60 or 70, men may be especially worried that this miracle will disappear!
Similarly, if you are in intercourse, you may get worried about losing your stiffness--so you plunge on to climax. And all this may mean you are all finished just when she is only starting to get really excited. If you are able to climax two or three times in a session, then you can assure her that “it ain’t over until it’s over” and you are still interested. But as you grow older, the capacity to do it more than once decreases (on the average), and for most older men one climax a session is the limit, if that!
Technically a man’s orgasm is not the same as ejaculation, though for most of us men they happen at the same time. There are men who have learned to separate them and have more than one climax but only one ejaculation, at the time of the last climax. This is rare. If you have only one shot in your gun, it means that somehow you need to spend a lot of time pleasuring her before you climax. This is because once you climax, somehow you tend to lose interest in sex for a while, and it may become a drag to try to whip up enthusiasm to pleasure her, after you know that “I've had it.” This is why they call it "foreplay" rather than "afterplay" (on my word processor, my spellcheck calls “afterplay” a misspelling).
Once I saw a humorous business card for sale, with the cartoon drawing of a Texas longhorn bull. The card read, “Longhorn Stud Service. Our customers always ‘come’ first.” There may be a lesson for us behind that humor.
Developing “Control”
Your wife (or sex partner) may admire you if you can develop “control.” In the sexual context they are not talking about domineering them and being a “controlling man,” but being in control of your penis and its ejaculation and climax. The word reminds me of my skiing, where good skiers learn to be “in control;” in skiing that means not to go so fast that you cannot stop if you need to, pausing on the slope before resuming and careening off down the hill again.
Holding off on climax is especially difficult for younger men, and somewhat easier for older men. There are various tricks by which men try to delay coming, such as trying to think about something else (even something unpleasant, but at least something neutral), or taking a very hot tub bath before sex.
Research supports that on the average older women are more likely to be “turned on” more easily and after less time than younger women. But unless you have clear indications to the contrary, it is always wise to assume, no matter what her age, that she needs longer "foreplay" than you need.
You can Learn to be “Resurrected”
Some writers have spoken of orgasm as "the Little Death." But sometimes we men "die" before climaxing! You can learn to accept the loss of erection after early excitement in lovemaking, and learn that you can regain it after longer foreplay that pleasures the woman—even if you lose it for a while. After you experience this a few times you can gain confidence, so that you need not panic if the erection disappears. You know that it is not a sign of weakness or symbolic castration or loss of manliness, but a normal experience. You know that you will usually be able to “get it back up again” when you have given your partner a long, long time in foreplay.
The False Idol of Simultaneous Orgasm
There are couples who frequently experience simultaneous orgasm. For them this is a fine experience. Experiment with the possibility, see if it works out for the couple of which you are one half. But don't feel jealous or inferior if this is not what you two experience; only a minority of couples do this. There are some real advantages in one person concentrating fully on enjoying a climax, and then both partners concentrating on the other person’s climax.
If your partner lady has not yet learned to climax, don't insist she must have one-- which can make her feel inferior to other women or some previous partner of yours, or make her fake an orgasm. If you simply cannot hold off your own climax, be generous enough to spend time pleasuring her with your fingers and/or mouth (see the next chapter), and see if she gets "tired" or feels worn out and really wants to quit trying, or if she may be working up to climax. And if she has had one climax, remember that many women are capable of having more than one, so keep on pleasuring her if she seems to want it. The typical man cannot maintain an erection for more than a few minutes. But he still has ten fingers and his lips and tongue.
We Men often Assume Women are like Us
As Professor Higgins said in My Fair Lady, "Why can't a woman be more like a man?" Perhaps the sheer fact that the male’s penis sticks out of his body makes it more likely that he will accidentally rub his equipment against the jungle bushes or the furniture and learn to find that pleasurable—and hence learn to masturbate.
We men may easily think women react just as quickly as we do. Our sexual equipment sticks out and “projects;” we may also “project” in another sense (now using the term psychologically): We easily project our own experiences onto women, and assume that their reaction time is like ours. Especially in the teens and twenties, on the average, women take a longer time to get excited, and a much longer time to climax (if they have learned to climax at all).
Men who are very quick to climax lead to jokes about “Slam, Bam, Thank You Ma’am!” and “Touch and Go,” or an “On again, off again relationship.” A joking definition of "premature ejaculation" is "before the woman is ready for him to do so."
You can view this slower female rhythm as some sort of handicap, some interference with what we men want to do (getting on with intercourse and quick orgasm). Or you can profit from realizing how much she needs this longer time, gladly spend this time, and you can learn to enjoy the process of longer, leisurely lovemaking. We pay more money for a longer massage, longer phone call, longer time parking, longer vacation, and so on; why not view more time in lovemaking as better?
Some high school boys do a “Circle Jerk,” a contest where the first to come wins! As if speed is good. Even if we guys know theoretically that gals are “slower” to awaken, we may think this means just a little bit slower. But the man-woman difference here, for youth, is a big difference! (This is a statement of averages, especially in younger years; but some women become quickly excited and can climax quickly.)
Movies give a False "Picture"
There has been increasing frankness of movies in showing couples having sex—not just X-rated movies but ones for more general over-18 audiences. These scenes of lovemaking may give a false impression. They often show a few seconds of caressing and what may be warmup foreplay, including oral sex, but very quickly they “cut to the chase” and have women writhing in intercourse in what is a clear signal to watchers that orgasm is occurring. Since the love-making is part of a more extensive plot and story, naturally the movie cannot dwell on foreplay for a half hour.
But it creates the impression that after a short warmup period a woman should be all hot and ready to climax. You may find yourself thinking, "Hey, if that star in the movie can do it, why can’t my lady? Is there something wrong with her?" Another joke: the high school lad said that naturally he could not do it as well as the guy on screen, because that guy constantly had a director coaching him on how to do it right!
Social and Cultural Learning
Most societies are much more tolerant of male than female premarital sexual activity. Often boys are encouraged to be pushy and sexually aggressive, while daughters are carefully guarded and trained that it is a terrible shame to be involved in pre-marital sex. In the extreme this can take the form of covering the faces of women in public, or of clitoridectomy, crude surgery on the clitoris to keep females from being excited by sex. One popular magazine quoted an estimate that around 100,000 women had been subjected to this "female genital mutilation," also called "female castration." Often it has taken place at very young ages, done by an older woman, often using very primitive tools such as a sharp stone or rusty razor blade. Fortunately it is becoming less common in most regions.
In some non-Western societies today, a woman is viewed as being “spoiled” as a potential marriage partner if she has ever had sex—even in the case of rape. Whether or not she is somehow blamed for the rape, it destroyed her virginity and makes her ineligible as a wife. The financial consequences for her and often for the parental family who may have to support her “forever,” are serious. The emotional ones may be worse.
In Western societies there has also been the Jewish and Christian tradition that women should be virgins at marriage. When the family believes that virginity until marriage is crucial, as was more common on the average in the past than it is today (at least in the West), they may teach the girl that it is wrong to touch yourself “down there” and wrong to have hotsy, horny feelings. Thus emotions of shame and guilt get associated with sexual excitement, much more so on the average for females than males. Women learn to clamp down on their sexy feelings, consider that evil forces produce them, and even deny that sexual feelings exist. Not surprising if they then have trouble climaxing!
“The Two Women Inside Me”
Many women with deeply religious and conservative views, experience a split within themselves between two women. There is the nice respectable decent chaste smiling girl who goes to mass or church or synagogue all dressed up in Sunday best. But if they get sexually excited, a different and more animalistic lustful woman emerges. Some say “Hey, that isn’t me!” One way of explaining this is that the devil gets into us and prompts these base, sexy desires.
This split, for both men and women, has been described in many ways for centuries. In the Christian scriptures, the New Testament, Saint Paul wrote about the lusts of the flesh versus the things spiritual. (Romans 7: 15-23) Freud contrasted the id, which shares with non-human animals the passions of lusty sex and angry hostile acts—contrasted with the super-ego, including the conscience, which Freud believed to be learned from parents and society. The good and the bad, the good angel and the devil. A movie was titled “The Devil in Miss Jones.” Fiction has described this in many ways.
Both men and women can experience this conflict between good person and bad person; women are especially likely to have been trained to squash down sexy, lustful feelings.
Turning on a little Switch at the Wedding Ceremony
For families with traditional views, it might be nice if people came equipped with a little button in their heads which the priest or rabbi or clergyman could switch on at the wedding ceremony. Before the wedding, the button would be in the "off" position, and sexual excitement would not occur and there would not be these temptations. At the wedding, the button would be turned "on," and now suddenly sex would seem good and wonderful and exciting.
Instead what has often happened is that women have been reared with such strong beliefs about sexy feelings being wrong, that repression and guilt and denial about sex carry right on into their marriages. Horny husbands, bashful wives. It may take many lovemaking sessions to turn on that switch!
Her Need to be “Selfish” for a While
We do not usually like the word “selfish,” and we idealize people who are generous and unselfish, and indeed I have urged you as a man to try to get joy from helping your partner in an unselfish way. But for many women, in order to climax, she needs a period of time when she can focus fully on her own sexual feelings and experiences and yes even fantasies. During this time she must be free to forget about everything else, including your needs, and zone in on erotic, horny, sexy feelings. She may be the soul of generosity most of the time, sacrificing for her children and her man and doing a job in a profession that is very service-oriented, truly a servant of humanity. But for this brief time she needs to attend to her own sexy feelings. It is in that sense that we speak of her need to be “selfish” for her to climax.
Masturbating in Your Presence
There are women who need to masturbate in order to climax, and if she is this way, you may be able to work out a relationship where she feels comfortable masturbating in your presence, perhaps after you have stimulated her with hugging and kissing, stimulated her by the excitement of your penis while she holds it or sucks it or has intercourse, until she turns to self-stimulation with her fingers, vibrator, banana or whatever. She, too, needs to be able to concentrate on her own feelings, being “selfish” for a while in order to climax. Such a woman may be able to transfer from masturbating in your presence, to climaxing through your stimulation of her. But not always….
Can she Trust you to Keep on Meeting her Needs?
She needs to feel that you will continue to stimulate her for just as long as she wishes you to do so. Most orgasmic women do not climax every time they engage in sex. If she decides that she just cannot “make it” today or tonight, she knows she can tell you that and you will not look down on her for it. But barring that, she needs to feel you will keep on with the stimulation, and not run out of patience with her. (Incidentally, the old popular song “Didn’t we almost make it this time” fits the sexual scene and couples' attempts to achieve climax, and perhaps was written with all that in mind.) In sharp contrast was a song popular in the 1940s, "Give me five minutes more…only five minutes more of your time." One variation, sung by some naughty males when I was in high school, was "Give me one minute more…I won't need the other four!"
If she feels that she only has a limited time before you get impatient and give up, that fear can make it more difficult or impossible for her to relax and focus and climax. Ideally she needs to feel that your stimulation of her is not just a sacrifice for her sake, but that you are enjoying what you are doing. That may be a "tough act." As the pro actors say, the hardest thing to "act out" is sincerity….
Even if you find it a little bit boring to keep on stimulating her for so long, is she worth a little sacrifice in the overall perspective? She may be doing things for you that help you but are a little wearying for her, including what she does professionally or on the job, or even (if you are her husband) what she does at home with homemaking and bringing up and caring for your children.
Candles, Dinner, Lighting, maybe Wine
In a wider sense, the whole process of what you do together for the hours that precede actual sex may all be part of the preparation, the buildup, the foreplay. This may include a pleasant movie or TV show; dancing; perhaps wine (if you drink) with a nice meal. And the setting of the room and bed (or other location) where you make love, the lighting and privacy and decor and almost anything in the room and the location, can all be helpful. Some of us avoid alcohol or recreational drugs because of religious beliefs or family teaching or traditions; for others of us, these are considered useful aids and in a wider sense, all part of the "foreplay."
The “Bottom Line”
On the average, women need a long time of stimulation if they are to achieve orgasm. This is less so as women become older, perhaps because they have had more sexual experience.. But if you are at all unsure, follow the general rule: women on the average need much more foreplay than you yourself do.
Chapter 3
"Use Your Head, Man!"
We men are used to thinking of our cocks/dicks/tools/penises as totally central to two-person sex. And we are so proud of them! But many women do not find their maximum sexual excitement from the wonderful male item. Every woman is a different individual, and your job includes trying to figure out what brings her maximum pleasure, and then provide that if possible. She may not know that herself, or she may. Try out different things. Talk with her after your heated activity of lovemaking, and explain why you are asking what things she most liked about what just happened: so that in future sessions you may make the lovemaking "even better, if that is imaginable!" Use your head, in the sense of thinking wisely. And use your head in the literal sense of putting your mouth between her legs.
Technical Terms, and Research
Cunnilingus is the formal term for the man, or a lesbian lady partner, putting the mouth on the female partner's sexual opening and vaginal area.
Fellatio is the parallel term for the woman (or gay man) putting the mouth on the male partner's penis. Informally, in slang terms, this is often called a "blow job," though there may be as much sucking as blowing.
Oral sex is a broader term to include all of the above, whichever gender/sex the recipient may be. Another term for the same thing is "going down on" a partner.
Different individuals may have very different psychological perceptions of oral sex. Some men find fellatio more satisfying than intercourse, and/or glorify the idea of a woman's "giving me a blow job." For either sex, and for the "receiver" and/or the "giver" of oral sex, there may be some aspects of submission, of serving the partner, of service or servitude, in oral sex. You may feel that you are humbling yourself, or even debasing yourself, bowing low in servitude, to pleasure her with your mouth--and this servitude may be a pleasant and satisfying, or more negative, perception. Either way, try putting her satisfaction and pleasure first.
Many women find that they can only climax with your mouth, or with your finger manipulation, or a combination of the two. I have asked my classes in sexuality to fill out an anonymous, totally confidential questionnaire that bears on these specific questions. (Each person does indicate his or her own gender.) In their experiencing of their own sex response, or of the partner's response: do women seem more turned on by intercourse or by oral sex? Do men…(same question).
I have also asked the same question in group discussions and group therapy. These are not major formal research studies but the results suggest that many women experience greater sexual satisfaction, and are more likely to have satisfying climaxes, with a man's lips and tongue than with his penis. Probably more women find their greatest satisfaction from a man's mouth, than those finding the penis as best.. There is also the psychological, symbolic factor of doing it in the famous, traditional way--via intercourse. But usually you don't have to choose, and can offer both usually, if she wants both, and if you do not have erection problems that make intercourse difficult or impossible.
Another Good General Rule
We have already suggested one general rule that works most of the time: Take a lot longer in leisurely foreplay than you yourself may need, or think that she needs. Now here is a second general rule that works most of the time: try using cunnilingus, oral sex where you are "giving" your mouth to her, and see how that works. Try it as part of foreplay; or after you yourself have climaxed; or at any point in the lovemaking. Some women do not want anything to do with your fingers or your mouth in their genital area; they want intercourse specifically and to focus on that. But this seems to be a minority. Especially if you have not made love to this woman before, try both the general rules suggested. (We are not assuming or encouraging the "immorality" of having various partners, nor taking any moral position one way or another. But a multiple-partner pattern is a reality in the sex lives of many men.)
"Wetness," Moisture and Lubricants
Intercourse when the whole vaginal area--the "cave" of her genitals--is dry, may be painful for the woman and also less pleasant for the man. An obvious good general rule is never to have intercourse unless her vagina is "juicy," "dripping wet," well lubricated. This has led to the use of various jellies and lubricants, which are better than nothing if she is "dry."
But the use of artificial lubricants may in some cases be a mistake, since it can take the place of an important "signaling device" for you, her own natural lubrication. The usual indicator that a man is ready to have intercourse is his erection. There is no corresponding obvious "erection" of a woman's clitoris or other sexual equipment, and research has shown that the clitoris often disappears under its clitoral "hood" just when she is most excited and approaching orgasm.
So the best indicator that she is ready for intercourse--and in this sense is a parallel to your erection-- is whether or not she herself is naturally lubricated in the vaginal area. This guideline may be inappropriate for some women, especially those who are menopausal or post-menopause or in old age. But in general, a wet vaginal area signals readiness, and using an artificial lubricant may make you think she is ready for intercourse when she is not. If you or she wish a lubricant, one handy lubricant in emergency is your own saliva, which you can spit into your cupped hand and then apply.
Remember that good man-woman sex does not require intercourse at all. It requires mutual enjoyment and intimacy and respect, whether or not either the man or the woman or both are able to climax, and whether or not intercourse takes place. From your male viewpoint you may feel that the key and ultimate goal of the whole activity is intercourse, and/or erection, and/or ejaculation. But none of these is essential to satisfying sex--and this fact is especially important to remember if you have erection problems, whether because of old age or for any other reason. You still have ten fingers and your lips and tongue.
Using your mouth between her legs also gives you a chance to provide a different sort of "natural lubricant," aside from her natural vaginal lubrication: that handy saliva. It is never out of place, if you two find that she enjoys cunnilingus, for you to use lots of saliva, maybe drinking water or fluids to help make more saliva, as you lick and suck her. Slobber it on! Or try a commercial jelly or cream.
The Geography of Her Erotic Areas
A woman's breasts may be a very sexy area for stimulation, and this is true whether they are larger or smaller. There is no correlation between "big boobs" and more enjoyment of stimulation there. Also, other areas, including her ear lobes or neck, may be good places for you to stimulate. Every woman is different, and you may need to learn more about the particular "erotic map" of this lady. Maybe ask her what she finds stimulating. (One joke is about the guy who said he was having sex these days but didn't feel he knew her well enough to talk about it….)
But in general the vaginal area is a major focus for your fingers, mouth and of course your penis. The perspective you get if you use your head (mouth, lips, tongue) is not the same (close up) as the perspective of some abstract diagram. The geography of the continent "Down Under" is important.
Speaking of this as a closeup "view" may be the wrong term, since lovemaking may be in the dark, and/or you may have your eyes closed.) You need to be sure to find her clitoris with your tongue or fingers (or both at different times) or finger and mouth both "working" together). The clitoris is a small knob of flesh, on the "roof" or upper side of her vaginal opening, just inside the "lips" of her opening. In slang terms these are her "pussy lips" and her clitoris is the "clit," "clitty," the magic "love button." (The slang term "pussy" is used to refer either to her clitoris, or more generally to the whole vaginal area.) Gently lick her clitoris with your tongue and/or suck on it with your lips.
Take a long time in leisurely pleasuring her clitoris in this way. Research has shown that often the clitoris "retracts" or withdraws somewhat into the fleshy "hood" that is sort of a cover for the clitoris. When and if this happens with the clitoris seeming to "disappear," sometimes a partner wrongly concludes that the woman has lost interest in lovemaking somehow. Exactly the opposite is true; her sexual excitement leads to this retracting, this "disappearing."
Finding Her Urethral Opening
The urethra is the flexible, small-diameter piping through which a woman's or man's urine is discharged. It is a bit like a flexible "straw" in the body. Women and men have quite different locations for this "plumbing," of course. A man uses the same tool, his penis, for both urinating and ejaculating. But in women as versus men, the urethra develops differently in fetal development. In a sense women have the superior equipment, with a totally separate "sex organ" that is devoted exclusively to sexual pleasure, the clitoris. (Your penis, by contrast, is used for both intercourse and urination.) Her urethra opens into her vagina.
This difference in how we are built means that we men can much more easily and conveniently urinate, use a urinal while standing, or point and shoot behind a tree. Women, by contrast, must squat down and go through a more cumbersome and time-consuming process, to urinate. In rich societies they customarily sit on a toilet, require more water for flushing than does a urinal, require more restroom space, and need more privacy. (In the India of my birth and childhood, peasant women and poor women in cities often had to squat beside the road and discreetly wrap their flowing sari garments about their legs as the only privacy they could find.)
Urine is technically a sterile substance, in the sense that normal healthy urine does not contain bacteria or anything that would spread disease. In this sense it is a completely clean substance, in sharp contrast to fecal material. But often society has taught us that anything connected to elimination is "dirty"--an attitude that can easily confuse children into thinking that because the female organs of urination are close to the sex organs, therefore the whole area "down there" is dirty and nasty and to be avoided.
So how does all this relate to oral sex? Why is it important for a partner to find the lady's urethral opening? Because the same muscles and equipment that she uses to control the starting and stopping of urination, are the same ones that make up her "orgasmic platform," and can be very important to her sex excitement and climaxing. Our chapter on this topic Cha. 13) is the "lucky number chapter."
For purposes of the present chapter, we simply emphasize that finding and gently manipulating her urethral opening can be, in the case of many women, very crucial to her sexual enjoyment. So where is this opening? It is also on the "roof" or top side of her vagina, but a little farther back than the clitoris. As you pleasure her, try feeling with one finger until you find the slight indentation, and the different texture of the skin, with more of a corrugated ring around the opening, less smooth than the rest of the vagina. Whereas the clitoris feels like a bump that sticks out farther than the vaginal surface, the urethral opening is more like a tiny depression surrounded by its corrugation of muscles. (These are what control her urination, but also may be important to her sex pleasure.)
Her Mysterious "G-spot"?
Much has been made of stimulating a woman's so-called "G spot." This is named for an OB/GYN writer who promoted it, Dr. G. There is some doubt as to whether it actually exists. Possibly this spot is really another name for the opening of her urethra. Descriptions of the location of this "G-spot" place it a bit farther in than her clitoris but forward of her urethra. Is it really there? Go explore.
Try using Both your Finger and your Tongue Together
Some women who are less inhibited and more willing to give you some "directions" may say, "Put your finger in!" Even if she does not say anything, during your act of cunnilingus, about using your lips to suck her and your tongue to manipulate her clitoris, try this: put a finger "farther in" than your tongue, and at the same time as your oral activity, simultaneously manipulate her urethral opening with your index finger or middle finger. For some women, that can be a crucial help to climaxing.
Older Men, Erection Problems, and Using your Head
Some men believe that the only true sexual activity is intercourse. So if they are having erection problems, they may feel there is no "point" (bad pun intended) to lovemaking. We men may be horribly embarrassed by that.
But if erection and climaxing are both impossible: you still have your ten fingers, and your "head" (lips, tongue, mouth) and can bring great pleasure to her that way.
We discuss male sex problems and oral sex or finger sex in Chapters 18 and 19.
Chapter 4
Lifetimes of Amazing Sexual Changes…
…for her and for you, and for all individuals and couples, and the relationships of couples. We are referring to changes that will occur for you, and for her, whether you and she stay together as a couple "forever" or not.
Men and Women Change Over Time
Whatever age you are now, in ten years you will be ten years older, and in twenty years, twenty years older! (Inevitably, barring the alternative!) We, as individual men or women, change in our sexuality and sexual behavior with age. But also the balance, the relationship, between men and women (and between the same man and woman in a marriage), also typically changes as the years go by.
There are always some exceptions. But the general overall average pattern that has emerged from research in the U. S. is that in their teens and early twenties, men are at their lifetime peak of sexuality. This is inferred from the number of ejaculations (or "outlets," whether from intercourse or homosexual acts or masturbation or whatever). But it also is consistent with average male testosterone levels at different ages.
Twenty years later, in their thirties and early forties, men's activity and capacity and sexual interest seem to be a bit less. Still another twenty years, in men's fifties and early sixties, these indicators are at even lower levels.
Women, by contrast, have seemed to be on the average much less sexually active and aware in their teens than they are at later ages. Amazingly, if women once get the hang of how to climax, they seem to be able to do this for the rest of their lives if they wish, through the years of menopause and right into their 80s or 90s.
Of course if they become widows or are divorced, and their religious or other beliefs prevent them from masturbating or having sex without marriage, then they may stop doing what they are capable of doing. But the capacity to have an orgasm seems to last almost forever for women, especially those who have earlier learned how. Often it seems to be the absence of a suitable partner, because of divorce or widowhood, that keeps women from experiencing their full potential in the later years. In contrast, we men "go downhill" on the average as we pass through our sixties and seventies and eighties.
Outdated Research because a Culture Changes?
This overall picture of man-woman changes, accepted by "sexperts" in general, is based partly on research from earlier decades; as premarital sex and young sexual experiences have become more acceptable in very recent decades, the extreme man-woman differences in youth may be much less. But the patterns still seem to hold true overall.
These statements are overall averages. But they suggest that overall, couples who are both in their teens find the male much more aggressive and horny than the female. This "balance" changes by the thirties and forties, where the same couples may find the women at least as strongly interested in sex as the men. And by old age, there may be a sort of reversal of the balance, where the women are more eager and able, and their men have often somewhat lost interest.
There may be a sort of poetic justice in old age, even seeming to some like a justifiable revenge with aging, for women's having had to put up with overly horny men in their teens. We return to this man-woman balance in Chapter 19. Incidentally the term "horny" reminds us of an animal's two horns (okay, some rhino species do not have two!). And this in turn reminds us of the Freudian emphasis on "penis symbols," horns but also guns and arrows and bow ties and neckties and pens etc. ad infinitum.
Young Animals are Ready Quickly
In most animal species, the males are the eager, aggressive, horny sex. For pregnancy to occur, it is necessary for the male to ejaculate. But it is not necessary for the female to climax. We are not assuming here that the evolutionary theory is correct, nor are we taking sides in the debates over creationism-versus-evolution. But what we just said is also true of humans: for the homosapien species to continue, it is necessary for males to ejaculate. At some times in early history when our species was in danger of not surviving, ejaculating very quickly may have been important. But in a bedroom with the door locked, this urgency is no longer there. It was never, and is not now, crucial for human females to climax, for pregnancy to occur. (Our Planet has no shortage of pregnancies.)