The
Process of Creating
a Healthy Lifestyle
by
Michael Hammes, Ph.D
Copyright
2011 Michael Hammes, Ph.D.
Smashwords Edition
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Table of Contents
Chapter
1.
Important Questions
Chapter
2.
The Dysfunctional/Unhealthy Lifestyle
Chapter
3.
An Ineffective Philosophy
Chapter
4.
Creating an Effective Philosophy/Thinking Process
We all want less suffering and more happiness. Yes, we have the good life, but the evidence suggests there are many people who experience a failed living process and suffer. We have been programmed to believe that if we make a lot of money, accumulate a lot of toys, get married, and have a few kids, then we will be happy. This is the image of happiness that we grow up with, and it all sounded so easy. Yet, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. The real world is messy, complicated, difficult, and toxic, and people get consumed as they chase the image of happiness. Clearly, we are not prepared to effectively manage this reality, and the result is a dysfunctional lifestyle. The truth is many people have a flawed thinking process that creates a dysfunctional life that results in bad decision-making and much emotional misery.
A Flawed Thinking Process
Flawed
Self Definition
+
Flawed Emotional System
+
Flawed
Mindset
=
Bad Decision Making
This flawed thinking process is strongly influenced by impulsive needs, wants, and desires. The outcome is bad decision-making that creates confusion, stress, and strain, and instead of making sense from this misery, people get consumed by the emotional turmoil. Eventually, people get pushed to their limit, and become mentally, emotionally, and spiritually bankrupt. Instead of creating healthy change, most people live in denial, see what they want to see, and rely on destructive behaviors as a means to numb their misery. It’s the easiest thing to do because mood altering never fails them. However, our naughty little habits often become addictions that will control our decision-making, and provide nothing, but emotional misery for the rest of our life. The idea of peace of mind, lasting meaning, and happiness become a fading thought.
The purpose of this text is to describe the development of a flawed thinking process, a bad decision-making process, and the creation of a dysfunctional lifestyle. The cause will be a never ending debate. However, most people know when their life reaches a dead end, and want to improve their life, but just don’t know how or what to change. The process begins with believing one is not a victim, and has the power to create a healthy life. Then one can begin to create a new and effective thinking process by understanding the variables in the formula below.
An Effective Thinking Process
Self
Definition (Integrity) (Dignity)
+
Effective Emotional System
+
Mindset (Options, Technical Skills,
Essential Elements, Beliefs, Rules & Guidelines)
+
Everyday
Living (Psych. Needs + Goals + Vision)
=
Life
Outcome = Happiness
The first task is to examine the concept of happiness because this is what we are trying to experience and we must know what it is. Then work from left to right beginning with addressing past unresolved emotional issues, which allows the real you to come into being. Then one can create an effective emotional system, and an effective mindset. This will set in motion the development of an effective thinking process that empowers one to make good decisions based upon healthy boundaries. Thus, the creation of a simple healthy lifestyle, peace of mind, lasting meaning, and happiness are now possible. If not now, when?
• Have you realized the life you have isn’t the one you want?
• Have you realized that happiness will not be experienced regardless of how hard you work.
• Have you ignored your physical health, and are experiencing health problems?
• Are you drinking too much, not spending enough time with your loved ones, have you had affairs, or do you keep attracting dysfunctional partners, and don’t know why?
• Do you feel that your significant relationship has lost its passion and you have become roommates?
• Do you live in an emotional prison?
• Do you feel like you are screaming inside and can’t be heard?
• Do you feel like you have lost your freedom and power, and feel trapped?
• Are you experiencing episodes of depression and anxiety attacks, and wonder why?
A fact of life is that we all want more happiness and less suffering. However, happiness is only for those who create an effective thinking process. Unhappiness is most prevalent and is manufactured by the unhealthy lifestyle, and the center piece is a flawed thinking process. This raises the following questions.
1. Are you happy?
2. Do you know what love is?
3. Do you know what happiness is?
4. Do you know how to produce happiness?
5. What is life all about?
6. Do you know how to change your life?
The clock is ticking and if you live long enough, you will end up in a nursing home, and your kids may select the one you go to. If you don’t end up there, then you will probably die sooner than later, but the question is still the same.
1. How do you want to experience life between now and then?
Assuming you are somewhat of a balanced person, and have a brain that is working adequately, you should have the capability to view life objectively. I think you will agree that no one wants any of the following experiences.
• NO ONE WANTS TO SPEND ANY PART OF THEIR LIFE IN JAIL OR PRISON.
• NO ONE WANTS TO GET INTO A BAD RELATIONSHIP.
• NO ONE WANTS TO BE HURT BY SOMEONE ELSE, OR TO HURT SOME ONE ELSE.
• NO ONE WANTS OTHER'S TO USE THEM OR EXPLOIT THEM.
• NO ONE WANTS TO GIVE UP THEIR FREEDOM TO SOMEONE ELSE.
• NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE THEIR FRIENDS MAKE BAD CHOICES FOR THEM.
• NO ONE WANTS TO LIVE A LIFE OF EXTREME LONELINESS.
• NO ONE WANTS TO BE DEPENDENT UPON OTHERS FOR THEIR HAPPINESS.
• NO ONE WANTS TO BE POOR.
• NO ONE WANTS TO EXPERIENCE A LIFE THAT IS FULL OF MISERY AND PAIN.
• NO WANTS TO BECOME AN ADDICT.
• NO ONE WANTS TO BECOME MENTALLY OR EMOTIONALLY DISABLED
The above experiences often define life for many people because they live with a flawed thinking process that leads to bad decision makings that result in a lot of suffering. This suffering can be minimized and even prevented if we can learn to think differently.
Chapter 2
The Dysfunctional/Unhealthy Lifestyle
If you were in an airplane looking down, you would see the image of happiness, as most people have many amenities of a modern society. The nice house, nice cars/trucks, HD TV, and many toys they use for fun. However, look beneath this image, and you will see signs of serious dysfunction.
• An insatiable appetite for drugs.
• Alarming rates of crime and violence.
• Alarming rate of suicide and suicide attempts.
• Alarming rate of failed marriages/relationships.
• Alarming rate of addictive behaviors.
• Alarming rate of sexual transmitted diseases.
• Kids acting out through destructive behaviors.
• The dysfunction of our politicians.
• The prevalence of white collar crime
• Alarming rate of eating disorders.
• Excessive shopping and gambling.
• Don’t forget an obsession with sports and sex.
Look a little deeper, and you will also notice distressing psychological symptoms of a dysfunctional life such as: anxiety attacks, nervous breakdowns, the mid-life crisis, long periods of depression, dissatisfaction, excessive anger, rage, and frustration. These psychological symptoms are the by-product of a dysfunctional life caused by a failed thinking process, and a bad decision-making process.
Another common symptom of a dysfunctional lifestyle is poor time management. Some people work long hours, ignore their families, and loved ones, and also ignore their health. Others do the least amount of work required, and just survive because they are lazy. Usually this imbalance of time and energy is often for the love of money, self validation, and/or being lazy. These are problems related to a lack of self discipline and misplaced priorities that cause many other stressful problems. One problem is a life revolving around making as much money as possible, at any expense. Then there are problems of not making enough money, and/or in not managing money. Presently, there are people who have a huge crisis because they have not managed their money, and then there are the many that have lost their job, and have little money. We have been programmed with the perception that making money and a lot of it is the path to happiness. Money allows us to buy things that we think will provide happiness, and provide self validation. Wealth is how we generally define success, and there is nothing wrong with making money. However, making money will create problems when it is at the expense of significant relationships, which is often the case. Money is nice, but it cannot buy happiness.
The pressure to make money often creates a tread mill experience. We have to work harder, and commit more energy to this cause, and we can’t quit because usually we have a huge financial deficit, which has to be paid. This is often at the expense of loving relationships, and there are people who believe money will be a solution to their problems. However, it appears the more money and things that we accumulate, the more complicated life becomes because to effectively manage all aspects of living is very difficult. Instead of money being the solution, it often creates more emotional suffering because we often lose our sense of self, and we compromise our loving relationships.
Some people believe a dysfunctional life is a product of bad luck. He/she is drinking because of a bad life experience, or what most might label as bad luck. There is good luck, and bad luck, at least so it seems. In some instances, there is bad luck where one can just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. However, in many instances we create our bad luck. Examine bad events, and determine the process of how you arrived in that situation. Anyone who has a dysfunctional life is always stressed because they are always doing things for the wrong reasons, and this leads to making bad decisions that create crisis after crisis. They might see this as bad luck, but in reality, it is bad luck they have created because of making bad decisions often based on emotional impulses. For instance, it is common for people, when under a lot of stress, to regress back to old bad habits that provide pain relief. The most common choice is using drugs that only enhance bad decision-making, which creates more bad luck. Discontinuing bad decision-making is extremely difficult, and thus, more bad luck. On the other had, people can also create good luck by having a sound decision-making process that incorporates a thorough thinking process guided by healthy boundaries. Good luck will be the outcome.
Evidence provides a very clear picture that we are not prepared to live in the modern world. We have become a functioning dysfunctional society. Our dysfunctional life reflects the values of the time with money, immediate self gratification, and being self centered being the most important. It is no accident most people keep stumbling along through life making the same mistakes over and over, and experience more of the same misery. Sometime during mid-life, many people lose their passion for living, become consumed by their role, and become overwhelmed with the misery caused by their dysfunctional life. Instead of the experience of happiness, they experience anger, and anger is always the enemy.
Eventually, because of a dysfunctional life, the individual has failed to nurture themselves, and their loving relationships, and experience a life of emptiness. Life becomes a complicated mess, which often turns into one crisis after another. At some point, the emotional strain becomes too much, and the individual becomes mentally, emotionally, and spiritually bankrupt. To escape this misery, many people rely on a quick fix, and over time these become addictions. Life then gets progressively worse because addictions will take control of our life, and our problems will only get worse, as our main concern is feeling better at any price.
One thing for certain, complicated lives become messy, and spin out of control. Eventually the individual self destructs, as their dysfunctional life produces stressful life changing events for them, and their loved ones. Look at John Edwards, Mel Gibson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlie Sheen, Bill Clinton, Mickey Mantel, Marilyn Monroe, Jim and Tammy Bakker, Michael Jackson, Steve McNair, Lindsey Lohan, Elvis, Amy Winehouse, and don’t forget Tiger Woods. They all had so much, but life spun out of control because they constantly made horrible decisions based upon a flawed thinking process. People, who love themselves, don’t throw away their life by making bad decisions.
Dysfunction in the Work Place
Recently, the ill-affects and high cost of stress, and other dysfunctional behaviors within governmental agencies, the corporate world, and within the educational system have come to the forefront. Stress negatively impacts performance, innovative thinking, and the monetary cost is enormous, which has been reported at 300 billion dollars in the corporate world. The affects of being stressed include: fear, anxiety, anger, and frustration, and these will have a negative affect on job performance. Most people cope by mood altering, skipping work, work less, and getting even. Some even reach a breaking point, and retaliate with violence, and some commit suicide. Generally, employees are unable to manage their time, and the pressures of the job because of a flawed thinking process. However, often the source of stress comes from being mistreated by peers, and also from inadequate administrative policies. It is no accident there are more episodes of worksite violence, and if not addressed, it will only become more frequent.
School Environment
Unchecked bullying behavior at the school level will not only continue, but will also lead to other destructive addictive behaviors for the bully, and the victim. This dysfunction will continue well into their professional career, and have devastating affects in the workforce, and not to mention the emotional devastation within the inner circle of loved ones. Bulling behavior has a negative impact on learning behavior because students are not equipped to effectively manage extreme emotional distress of fear and anxiety. They feel vulnerable and unprotected, which is understandable. They also fear that if they seek help they will be seen as being weak, and this only creates more fear, anxiety, and a sense of vulnerability. This unhealthy state of mind results in poor academic performance, which has a devastating impact on self-confidence, and their future. They often develop destructive coping behaviors, which may include: violence, drug use, and dropping out of school. Students drop out of school because of serious unresolved emotional issues that override their motivation to learn. Furthermore, schools are unprepared to provide assistance for these students. In essence, without corrective intervention, the victim of bullying, or any abusive behavior will become psychologically damaged, and often develop life long destructive coping behaviors that lead to an unhealthy lifestyle.
Corporate Environment
Innovation begins with a thought, a concept that is usually fostered by a safe environment that stimulates a creative thinking process. The corporation that creates such an environment, will often become the leader in innovation, and thus, have better earnings. Bullying behavior in the corporate environment creates fear, frustration, and anxiety. This toxic environment hinders creativity, basic job performance, and corporate earnings.
The bully uses this behavior as a means to intimidate another for more power, control, and a feeling of importance, and a short term high. The bully will harass the person they perceive as most vulnerable, and use verbal and body language to intimidate them. The individual being bullied will often experience fear, uncertainty, anxiety, which adds up to stress, and a lot of it. Soon the victim of bullying will not want to come to work, and not enjoy their work. Without intervention, good employees may begin to look for different jobs, or file a lawsuit against the corporation for not taking corrective action. In essence, bullying behavior, and other destructive behaviors, creates an unhealthy work environment that prevents creative thought, innovation, and negatively impacts corporate earnings.
Community Dysfunction
Where ever your home was, it was probably made up of dysfunctional people because every community or city is dysfunctional. In large cities dysfunction makes the news, but in small towns it is the local gossip such as who is having an affair, or how much money someone lost at the casino, or who lost a job, or who is getting divorce, etc. Everybody knows about the obvious dysfunctional family, but it is the near perfect family, that is not noticed as being just as dysfunctional. Every community has their alcoholics, the workaholics, the gambling addicts, etc., and we all interact with these individuals. The accumulative affect of the community is a collective dysfunctional consciousness, which has some negative influence on the development of a flawed thinking process. For example, if everyone drinks alcohol, then the norm is for everyone to drink alcohol, and almost everyone does because it is really difficult to go against the norm. Another present day example is tattoos; many young people have them for the feeling of acceptance, to be noticed, and to create an identity. They don’t ever consider the consequences because they see what they want to see. In essence, not only do we grow up in a dysfunctional family, but we get a double whammy by the influence of a dysfunctional community that contributes to a flawed thinking process.
The Good Life and Suicide: The Breaking Point
A few years ago, I got a call that a friend had committed suicide. Of course everyone in the community was in shock, and could not understand why this happened. Jim was married, had children, a lot of money, and all it could buy. They had the image of the good life.
Jim was very smart, had a lot of common sense, was good looking, had a great work ethic, and all the attributes required for success. At least so it seemed. However, looking back, there was a deep reservoir of anger within him. Everyone could feel this anger, and kept their distance because they feared his anger might turn to violence. Jim grew up in a toxic family environment, which created much emotional turmoil because his parents had to deal with their own emotional issues and addictions. Unfortunately, the parents were emotionally unavailable for the children, and this led to the creation of a flawed self-definition, which manifested into a flawed thinking process.
His dependency on alcohol became obvious in mid-life. It was during this time his marriage began to fail, and his dependency on alcohol increased, as other parts of his life also became chaotic. What little love he had in his life was quickly fading, and the living process became an empty experience. The accumulative emotional pain was getting progressively worse, which increased his use of alcohol. Alcohol became his best friend as it provided pain relief for all of his accumulated emotional misery.
The addict doesn’t even realize the depth of their problem because of denial, which allows them to see what they want to see, and not what is (Nakken, 1996). Denial is a component of a flawed thinking process, and keeps the addiction in firm control of the decision-making process. Addictions are about a shame-based identity that manifest as a flawed self-definition, a flawed emotional system, and a flawed mindset. If you love yourself, you will not make choices that cause great misery. You will be able to create healthy boundaries, and manage your feelings and emotions. Jim was unable to do any of these because of denial, and because he was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually flawed and defective. With time, he became more and more isolated as his relationship with his wife grew progressively worse, and his addiction grew stronger. Eventually the need to escape his pain grew stronger and stronger, and the power of addiction took total control of his decision-making. His drinking went from bad to worse as his life spiraled out of control.
At the end, his wife informed him that she was leaving the marriage, and the combination of this failure, and his intense internal pain became too much. Suicide was a reaction to an intense inner pain, much confusion, and pain from living without love. His dysfunctional life was put in motion when his parents created a toxic family environment that was absent of adequate love. The result was the development of an ill-defined personal philosophy that resulted in a flawed thinking process, and bad decision-making. His life became a toxic experience, and the only solution was to cope by numbing the pain with alcohol. This dysfunctional life could have been treated, if he would have participated in therapy to deal with unresolved emotional issues, and then learn to love himself. He did the best he could, but was doomed to fail because of a flawed thinking process. That year, there were two other suicides in the community.
Summary of the Dysfunctional Life
Despite having the many wonderful amenities provided by modern technology, we are not a very happy society. Most people have little restraint, and their decision-making is controlled by impulsive needs, wants, and desires. This usually leads to doing whatever it takes to feel good because most people live for the moment. This becomes the dysfunctional lifestyle caused by a flawed thinking process. To cope with our emotional misery, and unhappiness, we look for quick fixes to mood alter. Over time, our bad habits become addictions, and now we enter a whole new world of dysfunction and misery. Life will become isolated around our addictions, and our loving relationships will be compromised. Eventually, we become mentally, emotionally, and spiritually bankrupt and our suffering will continue with no solution in sight. We have become a functioning dysfunctional society. The good news is that this dysfunctional unhealthy lifestyle can be prevented, and is also treatable. This requires an individual to learn how to create a new and effective thinking process, and to address unresolved emotional issues. The accumulative affect is the creation of an effective thinking process, and a good decision-making process that results in making better decisions that create a healthy lifestyle.
A Flawed Thinking Process
Scot Peck (1979) believed that bad decision making is a form of mental illness caused by a disordered relationship between the conscious and the unconscious. Recognizing, and utilizing the unconscious is essential in creating and living a healthy life. This disconnect is common because most people are unaware that they have this inner dimension. We are programmed to believe that the physical reality is all that matters, and satisfying our uncontrollable needs, wants, and desires is what’s important. No one knows what the unconscious is, other than it is of another dimension. We know that it communicates with us, and tries to make us better. It communicates through dreams, sudden unrelated thoughts, and what we call intuition. All of these types of communication are really divine guidance. It is also a memory bank, as it records everything that has happened to us. Our unresolved emotional issues are housed in the unconscious, and become a cause of our flawed self-definition and a flawed thinking process.
The unconscious is accessible to everyone, but only if one takes time to listen. But why do people not listen to this wonderful source of wisdom? The answer is because they don’t know it is there, they are impatient, and have a flawed thinking process. Furthermore, most people don’t do well with emotional misery, and want a quick way to medicate it. The next time you experience a situation that requires a decision, take time to ponder what to do, identify your options, and the unconscious will give you messages of what to do, and it will never be wrong. Since many people ignore the unconscious, they are left with a flawed thinking process controlled by emotional impulses.
Spirituality
What does it mean to be spiritual? A primary role of religion is to enhance spirituality, but this is often sacrificed because control is more important. Control is acquired by implementing rigid rules, and concepts that often create fear, shame, and guilt. The result is a very structured reality with little room for the imagination and to grow spirituality.
Spirituality is about expanding one’s consciousness, and thinking beyond religious concepts. It has to do with mystery beyond the physical reality, as it relates to the interplay of nature, a higher being, the universe, life, death, and the pain and suffering of life. It transcends the rules and concepts of religion. Think of it as the mystery of it all. The development of one’s spirituality is a life long process, and the instrument is one’s imagination because no one has all the answers about life and death, and all the things that happen in between. Spirituality also includes aspects of higher consciousness, self-efficacy, self-actualization, love, and self-assertiveness. It is a higher level of functioning, which is dependent upon an effective thinking process that allows one to question and examine the mysteries. Not everyone develops these qualities, or evolves to a high level of consciousness because of insecurities, of being programmed with religious concepts, and also from the fear of change. Change in living and in thinking is often feared because one must first give up an old way of thinking, before creating a new thinking process. The giving up an old way of thinking leaves a void, and a sense of living without direction and meaning, and this makes it easy to maintain the old way of living. Maybe it is a miserable life, but it is predictable because it creates a daily routine that we often become comfortable with.
The development of one’s spiritual aspect is usually enhanced when one has a life changing event. Some will grow more in six months following a life changing event, than most grow in their entire life. Why does this happen? The life changing event upsets all the pieces that make up their philosophy. It is like a puzzle that takes time and effort to put all the pieces together. Once it is completed, you trip and fall into the table, and the puzzle falls off the table into many pieces. Now you have to put it all back together again. The same thing happens to our philosophy when we experience a life changing event. It falls apart, and it requires a lot of time and effort to put the pieces back together, however, unlike the puzzle, the pieces don’t all fit, and new pieces have to be created.
The reason that all the parts don’t fit is because the intense emotional pain forces us to ask questions about life, to examine beliefs, and to question the whys and how’s to living. Think of when you returned to your high school reunion, and you could not help but notice how some classmates have grown consciously and spiritually, and some have not. Personal growth is limited, or seldom happens, if one never faces new challenges and experiences, or if one becomes imprisoned by anger. One’s spiritual growth and potential is related to the degree of difficulties, challenges, and how one manages the feelings and emotions of difficult events. Creating new pieces takes a lot of emotional work and is painful, but when you create new pieces that fit, you then have a new philosophy, an expanded consciousness, a new reality, and an enhanced spirituality. Life gets better.
Chapter 3
An Ineffective Philosophy
A life long task is to enhance our spirituality, and this occurs by fine tuning our philosophy, which expands the consciousness. Everything that is fine tuned runs very smoothly. Think of this as taking your car in for a tune up, we also must fine tune our philosophy, if we wish to create a healthy lifestyle. This is a difficult process because the truth keeps rapidly changing and this causes much confusion as to what is real and not real. For instance, Galileo told the world that the earth was not the center of the universe and was put under house arrest for doing so. The church resisted this concept because it threatened their ideology and limited reality because both provided power and control over people. There just was no way Galileo could be right. Plus, it is always easier to see what you want to see, especially when it serves your purpose. We often do the same thing. We resist what is true because it easier to defend our ineffective reality, even if it causes suffering. It is what we know.
The reality for many people is molded by specific beliefs that life is fair and love and happiness are guaranteed, once we make money, get married, and become successful. It is also influenced by various lenses that filter reality that includes money, physical beauty, politics, religion, and ethnicity. These interact with our sense of self, and we often create the reality we want to see. Furthermore, a flawed self-definition will create a distorted view of the world, tainted with fear and anxiety, which is not a good thing because we then approach living the same way. The result is a flawed thinking process and a bad decision-making process.
Eventually, bad decision-making leads to a dead end because the misery and suffering is a 24/7 experience, and it becomes too much to deal with. Individuals who want to create a healthy lifestyle often seek therapy because they don’t know the problem nor know how, or what to change. A positive change occurs, when a therapist helps the patient address their unresolved emotional issues, which free them from their emotional prison, and also help the individual expand their consciousness. The result is an improved thinking process that creates a sense of hope that life will get better.
Presently, the personal philosophy reflects a societal philosophy that manifest as a flawed thinking process with little restraint that suffocates the human spirit. We live this way because no one has taught us to create a new and effective philosophy. One that provides an effective thinking process that nurtures the human spirit, and empowers the individual to live an enriched healthy lifestyle.
Personal Philosophy: A Flawed Thinking Process
An ineffective philosophy begins to formulate when there is a disordered relationship between the conscious and the unconscious. This gives birth to a flawed self-definition, flawed emotional system, and a flawed mindset. The accumulative interaction affect is a flawed thinking process.
A Flawed Thinking Process
Flawed
Self Definition
+
Flawed Emotional System
+
Flawed
Mindset
=
Bad Decision Making
The underpinnings of the ineffective personal philosophy begin with unresolved emotional issues caused from a love deficit during childhood (Peck, 1979).
Flawed Self-Definition (FSD)
The concept of dysfunction (Friel & Friel, 1988) is well documented, and it begins with a flawed self-definition. In the literature, it is often referred to as a poor self concept. It is the product of psychological scars from childhood that manifest as shame. Shame is experienced as a deep feeling of being flawed and defective, and is toxic to the human spirit because it erodes our sense of self. The result is the manifestation of an insecure ego, which is a flawed self-definition.
Think for a second, and recall an event when you did something bad. How did you feel the next day? Did you look in the mirror and not like what you saw? This is shame, and when we have a dysfunctional life, we experience continuous shame that we ignore and repress into the unconscious. Shame often manifest as a gnawing feeling, which we usually believe is a stomach problem. Eventually, many people develop a dependency on a destructive behavior to numb this feeling, but it often returns.
The development of shame begins in infancy when there is a lack of love. An infant/child may lack cognitive abilities to process an experience, but is able to detect painful anti-love messages. These messages come in various forms. Verbal abuse is the most common form of anti-love, and is often experienced when caring adults make statements as: you’re stupid, dumb, or screaming and, or scolding the child. Criticizing is a very damaging practice because the child believes they are flawed and defective. Another destructive verbal practice is when a child is constantly put down. Call your child dumb or stupid enough times and they will eventually believe what you tell them. Then there is physical abuse as slapping, striking, or hitting the child. Not only do these cause physical pain, but also give the message that the child is not a valued human being and they will develop internalizing this belief.
Parents who frequently argue, or verbally fight create an environment of fear, and distrust, and the child will have issues of trusting anyone. At sometime, the child may even feel responsible for the parental conflict, which reinforces their belief they are flawed and defective. Parents who create very strict boundaries or totally lack boundaries are also guilty of not providing adequate love.