The key to survival is knowledge! Knowledge of what makes adolescents tick, what’s happening physically and mentally, of the confusion, explosive sexuality, intense crushes and disruption of relationships between parent and teen.

The material in this book will make the journey from twelve to twenty (and beyond) more understandable and hopefully less painful. With understanding and knowledge, adolescence can be fun for both teens and their parents. So with this optimistic possibility as a starting point, let’s begin.

Adolescence begins with a well-defined, maturational event, puberty, and ends in a more nebulous manner. Chronologically, the end of adolescence is usually defined by the attainment of age 20. But as many parents know, as do those of us who never really want to grow up, adolescent themes and behavior can be found in any age group.

In a simplified manner adolescence may be defined as those years in which the mind catches up to the body and learns to deal with the profound physical, sexual and psychological changes which have taken place.

PUBERTY

Puberty refers to the biological and psychological events which surround the first menstruation in the girl and the first ejaculation in the boy.

Mary knew it was coming but was terrified that her first period would occur at school. John’s first ejaculation was a wet dream. After thinking that he wet the bed, he felt a sense of excitement but was horrified to think that his mother would see the spots on his pajamas and sheets. No picnic, this transition to adulthood.

Puberty signals the beginning of a process of physical change which renders the mind of the elementary school-aged child inadequate to manage the physically and sexually mature body. It is a particularly difficult time for those who develop very early or very late.

Ten-year-old Sarah had her first period at age nine and had prominent breasts by the time she was ten. The boys teased her unmercifully, saying she needed bushel baskets for her breasts. Of course, they teased her because they were terrified of what she had become.

Sixteen-year-old Jeff desperately wanted to ask a girl he liked to the junior prom, but he had not yet gone through puberty and looked like he was eleven. He finally got up his courage and asked her. It pains me to say that she laughed at him. Jeff was a very late bloomer, at the end of the bell shaped curve of when puberty occurs (between the ages of eight and sixteen for almost everyone). He ended up being six feet tall, good looking and very successful with the ladies. But the memory of that horrible rejection still pained him in his forties.

Reactions to Puberty

Because of the outpouring of growth and sexual hormones, the comfortable balance between mind and body which existed in the elementary school years is shattered. Suddenly, the impulses are stronger than the ability of the mind of regulate and control them. This imbalance is similar in nature to that which existed between the ages of 1 to 3 and caused the developmental disturbances of the toddler. (If you’re interested, take a look at Guiding Your Toddler’s Development at www.colarusso.info.)

Regression in the form of silliness and immature and unpredictable behavior is a common normative response. Thirteen-year-old Johnny, who had been a quiet, very well- behaved kid, greatly embarrassed his parents one evening when he blurted out to a close family friend “You have a big nose!” The friend had been in an automobile accident and was very self-conscious about her changed appearance resulting from her injuries. Johnny would never have made such a remark when he was ten.

Another normative response which drives parents crazy is the shift from openness to secretiveness. At home, the secretiveness is manifested by increased demands for privacy such as signs on the bedroom door which read, “Grown Ups Stay Out!” and bathroom door being locked during the hours that are suddenly spent in that room for some unknown reason. Of course, we can guess what’s going on in there, can’t we?

Also, requests for information about the day at the dinner table are greeted with grunts or one-word responses. Sometimes, the changes in behavior from open and friendly to secretive and moody are so startling and sudden that parents are totally bewildered and dismayed. The teenager doesn’t always understand why he or she has changed so much either. But the old way of relating to parents just isn’t comfortable any more. At school and in their peer group the secretiveness is reflected in the formation of secret clubs, cliques, and ‘best’ friends with whom sexual information (and misinformation) and gossip is shared and pooled.

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Table of Contents

INTRODUCTION

PUBERTY

Reactions to Puberty