I Can’t Stop
Crying
It’s
So Hard When Someone You Love Dies
Updated and Revised
John D. Martin
and
Frank D. Ferris, MD
Foreword by Robert Buckman, MD, PhD
I Can’t Stop Crying...
It’s
So Hard When Someone You Love Dies
Copyright
©2011 by John D. Martin
Smashwords Edition
All rights reserved. No part of this work covered by the copyrights hereon may be reproduced or used in any form or by any means-graphic, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or information storage and retrieval systems-without the prior written permission of the publisher, or, in case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, a license from Access Copyright, the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency.
ISBN 978-0-9866196-1-8
Contents
Author’s
Update
Foreword
Preface
PART ONE - GRIEF:
It's
So Hard When Someone You Love Dies
Grief
Work
Permission
to Do What You Need to Do
The
Three Rs
PART TWO
- THE HEART:
Recognizing
Effects on Your Emotions
Loneliness
Anger
Guilt
Hopelessness
PART THREE - THE HEAD:
Recognizing
Effects on Your Life
What's
the Change?
My
Family, My Friends
Dates
Can Be Painful Reminders of a Loss
God,
Where Were You When I Needed
You
Most?
No
God
Saying
Goodbye
So,
How Do I Grieve?
Learning
to Live Without Your Partner
Resources
TO
CONSTANCE
AND
CHRISTOPHER:
With
your love, support, and
encouragement,
this book, and
all
the things that brought
it
together, were possible.
After the death of his
wife,
C.S. Lewis wrote of his grief:
"I'm
not afraid, but no one told
me
it would feel so much like fear.
I Can’t Stop Crying
20 years later
Author’s
Update
When I Can’t Stop Crying… was originally written, I knew that permission was an essential tool in recovering from grief. I understood by experience and somehow by instinct, that those who had suffered loss through the death of a loved one, needed perhaps more than anything else, to be able to feel, say and do what they must in order to begin to recover from their pain.
Society has such a hard time with grief; we don’t know what to say or what to do, so unfortunately, we often say and do things that cause the person who is hurting more pain. We don’t want to say something that might cause the person who has “lost a love” more discomfort, so we avoid what needs to be spoken of or at least offered. We try hard to speak of pleasantries and daily life, all the while hoping desperately that the one grieving doesn’t really need our help…what would we do then?
A cliché here, a bit of patronization there, all in the name of not knowing what to say, often makes the whole thing worse.
What I did not appreciate fully was that the power of permission is so profound that without it healing is impossible.
The true act of understanding another, caring for another, comes from our ability to be with them; to be still, and quite, present, honest and authentic and to be able “to go” where we are needed.
Permission is a gift that we offer ourselves, so that we can respond to the hurt of those we encounter. It allows us the courage to risk and feel, to reach out and offer honest compassion and care.
Permission is also what we need to offer those who hurt, those we care for. To be able to say, “it’s ok, do what you need to” Feel what you need to” “I will stay close, I will do all I can to understand your place”.
To those who try to help, want to help, need to help, be patient and risk being close and quite. If you allow it, your friends who hurt will share their story with you and they will in time and with effort “feel better”.
To those who need help and want help, allow others to come close, allow yourself to risk and share your pain. If no willing ear exists, write it down, sing it, scream it, find a way to be honest with your feelings, find a way to say and do what you must in order to “return to life”.
Remember that society knows so little about your needs and that so much of what you experience from others may cause you frustration, confusion and alienation.
Recovery is possible; know, however, that after you have lost a love, your lenses will never be the same. The world and all in it will look, sound and feel strangely different.
Even though I Can’t Stop Crying focuses on the grief experience of losing a partner, the words here can easily be applied to any loss in life.
Whether we are grieving the death of a friend, parent, child or sibling the reaction and inner needs remain so similar that the basics still apply. There are of course, slight variations, but the suggestions and observation here will easily be adaptable.
One of the things that I remember speaking of when I Can’t Stop Crying was first written was how the basic grief reactions that are applied here to the loss of a loved one are also pertinent to any loss. I regret that I did not elaborate on that.
It doesn’t matter whether we speak of grief from death or divorce, retirement or children growing and leaving home or any other life situation that causes us sadness from its drastic change or demise, the “Rules” are the same. Take time to take in what has happened to you.
Realize the loss; or in simple words, understand what has been taken from you or what you will miss.
Recognize what this loss will mean to you. What will my life be like now? Where do I go from here? What are my options?
Then, only then, after a lot of hurt and hard times consider rebuilding your life without what has been lost.
These acknowledgements are key to understanding where you are, what you need and determining where and how you need to go from here.
Listen to the voices in the pages that follow, they are all hurting, they are all you and I.
From here you go differently, from here you are new.
I Can’t Stop Crying…It’s So Hard When Someone You Love Dies is a book for all who grieve or who have ever experienced the pain of separation from someone or something loved.
jm
Foreword
For a variety of reasons, our society has lost touch with the process of understanding and accepting death and grief. As a result, we seem to have difficulty grieving in a normal and healthy way. In this book, the authors address that lack, offering perspective to the person who is grieving. They explain and document the different components of and reactions in the grief response, to create a coherent and sensible picture of what is often a bewildering and confusing time.
Using the three Rs - realize, recognize, and rebuild - this book emphasizes the often-forgotten point that grief, however painful, has a purpose and an objective - to allow us to reconstruct our lives after a major loss. In addition, it underlines the differences between healthy and unhealthy grief reactions. Using their own experiences as grief therapists, the authors offer practical advice, shedding light on a topic that is clouded by misunderstanding.
I Can't Stop Crying can and should be read by anyone going through grief, and perhaps by everyone else as well. Our society needs to be re-educated in understanding grief. This book is part of that much needed enlightenment.
Dr. Robert Buckman, author of
I
Don't Know What to Say:
How
to Help and Support
Someone
Who Is Dying
Preface
If you have ever experienced the death of someone close to you, such as your spouse or partner, or a close friend, you will remember just how different you felt after his or her death. Whether the death occurred recently or several years ago, you may still be feeling very different. These feelings are often overwhelming and so personal that other people seem to have great difficulty understanding them.
In our daily work, we see many people who have experienced the death of someone close to them, or the loss of something significant to them. Throughout this book, these people, the true experts, will speak to you about their feelings, and their struggles and situations. Through their experiences, we hope you will see that you are not as alone as you might think. We will also suggest ways that might help you cope with your loss and feelings.
Most often, the grief that we see is in response to the death of a partner. We use the term partner to refer to all of the important relationships (e.g., spouses, common-law and gay/lesbian partners, lovers, parents, siblings, intimate friends, companions.) that people share in life.
This book will speak about the grief associated with the loss of a partner. However, we believe that the issues we present can easily be applied to the grief associated with any death, or to any situation where there has been a significant loss.
We have heard all of the stories in this book many times. Any resemblance to a real person is only coincidence.
Although this book is the result of collaboration between two authors, for simplicity we shall speak as one voice.
We would like to give special thanks to those who contributed significantly to making this work possible: Helen McNeal, Reverend Alan Tipping, Dr. Robert Buckman, Heidi Winter and especially Barbara Durette without who this new edition would have never been possible
PART ONE
G R I E F
It’s So Hard When Someone You Love Dies
Grief Work
Sarah Duncan called me a little over a year ago. Her name was not familiar to me, but what she told me was very familiar. I hear stories similar to hers many times over the course of a month, sometimes daily.
"You don't know me," she began her voice shaky at best, "but I've heard of the work you do, and Dr. Johnson suggested I call you."
"What's going on, Mrs. Duncan?" I inquired.
She told me that her husband, David, had died of cancer about nine weeks earlier. She told me how lonely she felt, how alone she felt without her husband, how no one seemed to understand her feelings. She told me that life didn't seem to have any meaning for her. But most of all, she said,” I can't stop crying."
Death is the most closeted, forbidden, and frightening subject I know of. Because of the unknown, not I or anyone else can dispel the fears each of us may have about death. Although I have seen more death than I care to think about, I still can't be positive of what's beyond it. But I do know something about grief. Although we can't stop people from dying, we can do a great deal to help those who, like Sarah Duncan, can't stop crying.
To lose someone you love hurts, and it will hurt for a very long time. A major part of your life is gone, and it will never be back. It often feels like you have been robbed or cheated, or like something very significant has been ripped from you. No one can undo this hurt. Anyone who suggests to you that it's not so bad, that everything is going to be fine, that you need to focus on the good things and forget your pain, is probably too uncomfortable to really hear about your grief. It is important to find someone who will simply listen to you, and help you through these stressful times of change.
For many people, there is a common strand to the experience that follows the death of someone close. It is grief work. That is precisely what you must do. Many people feel that their pain will subside in a few weeks, or even a few months. While many claim that they are okay, I have yet to meet anyone who can truthfully and realistically cope with the death of someone close to them in much less than a year. Often it takes much longer than that.
As you read this book and work through your grief, remember three very important principles:
1. Your feelings are subjective and unique. No one else can determine the weight or significance of your feelings.
While others can have some idea of what you are feeling, the depth and pain of your feelings are unique to you. I have seen people in terrible pain and anguish over the death of a pet, and I have seen others who were not terribly upset over the death of a relative. While the latter situation may be rare, it does happen, and other people must never assume that they know what you are feeling.
2. Feelings have no moral value. They are not good or bad, right or wrong; they simply exist and need to be recognized and acknowledged for what they are. How we express our feelings may have moral value, but the feelings themselves do not.
To feel anger at a partner for dying may not seem right to some, especially if the person did not choose to die. But, if it's your feeling, it must be expressed, and heard as legitimate. By not being able to express your feelings, even the ones you believe are silly, you deny yourself the permission you need to begin to work through the emotions associated with your grief.
3.Where your grief and the feelings that accompany it are concerned, time alone will not heal you.
Many people will tell you that in time you will feel better. My experience tells me that is not the case. You must face your feelings and gradually work through them.
No amount of time will heal your loneliness, anger, despair, fear or whatever emotions you experience in your grief, unless you do the necessary grief work.
A broken bone will never heal properly unless it receives care and attention. Your feelings are a lot like that. Time alone may soften your hurt, but it will never help you deal with or resolve your pain.
Grief is not an illness or a disease. However, grief takes healthy and unhealthy forms, and it is often very hard to tell them apart. With guidance, pitfalls can be avoided, and grief can be resolved. Assistance does not have to come from an expert. It can be supplied by someone who truly understands the basic principles of grieving and will listen to you express your pain, without judgment, for as long as you need to be heard.
Take heart, Sarah. You needn't cry forever!
THE HEART AND THE HEAD
Sooner or Later We All Die
We know that sooner or later all of us will die. It is one of the few things we will all experience. While death is not a pleasant topic, when we are feeling well and are not facing death imminently, we can usually speak about it rationally. We know that there is a cycle to life that begins at conception. It progresses through childhood into adulthood and middle age, and, for many, on into old age. Somewhere in the cycle, death is written into the plan. We don't know when, but there is no escaping it.
For many death is frightening because it is unknown. But death need not be an awful or ugly thing. Also, it is not necessarily tragic. It is a natural part of the life cycle that we see repeated around us every day. It is something we can plan for, speak of, educate ourselves about, and even celebrate. Death is an event that is deeply intimate and sacred for those who share in it
With that in mind, the major world religions have attempted to address death, not as something to be feared, but as a passage from our mortal physical existence to a spiritual one. Certainly, the concept of "heaven", an afterlife or re-birth sees death as a transition to something new.
Of course, that's all fine if you are not facing your death or the death of someone very close to you. If you are facing a death or have recently experienced a loss, what may have seemed very reasonable or even matter-of-fact may all go out the window. This is where the heart and head can come into conflict. What seemed reasonable before may no longer make any sense at all.
Love provides us with a good analogy. When it's new, there is nothing reasonable about it. You often don't act like yourself or do the responsible thing. Your heart can cause you to do ridiculous things that your head thinks you shouldn't. New love wants to stay awake all night talking and touching, even though your head knows very well that your body needs sleep. Alas, the rest of you is paying much more attention to your heart than to your head.
Death is just like that. Intellectually we know that death is a part of life, a transition to another existence. All people will die. But these reasonable views get pushed aside when your heartache tells you that you're lonely, angry, lost; that you miss the person terribly, and feel betrayed. All of these feelings override the intellect.
Some may suggest that these feelings aren't real. They are real, and very much a part of grief. While you are grieving, anything is possible. Vivian explains it like this:
"I couldn't think straight. I lost my keys twice, missed several appointments, turned down the wrong street on my way home, and locked myself out of the house."
When someone you love dies, things can become very unreasonable and all the common sense in the world seems to be of little help. Your heart is hurting, and that's all you are likely to be aware of for a long time.
Permission to Do
What
You Need to Do
Years ago, people were much better at coping with the death of someone close to them than we are today. Then, the cycle of life was more apparent to everyone. The family was much closer. Children were born at home, and it was common for people to die at home. These events took place within the supportive structure of the whole family. Together, family members got a sense of life's coming and going.
Today, birth and death are often handled by specialists in institutions. Babies are born in high-tech delivery rooms. People frequently die in acute-care hospitals, and loved ones are sometimes not present. Mary told me:
"I spent so much time and energy looking after Neil while he was at home. When we had to admit him to hospital, the hospital staff who were essentially strangers took over his care and we lost all control. In the end, he even died alone as they wouldn't let us stay the night with him."
With so many people dying in institutions, many of us no longer experience the natural, full cycle of life.
Making matters worse, the strong family unit that existed in the past is, in many instances, now gone. The support that the grieving person would have been able to expect from the extended family has vanished.
Distance, from the dying and the family makes death more frightening and unreal, and we know less about how to cope with death, and the grief that follows it.
People often ask me what the key is to dealing with grief. I have come to believe that so much of coping with grief is giving yourself permission to feel the deep pain and emptiness that come with losing someone very close to you.
Jack is a young man who came to see me six months ago. His wife, Trish, had died more than a year earlier. Although he had spent time with his family doctor and two psychiatrists, he felt that he had made very little progress since her death. At the end of our third meeting, he told me something quite astonishing, something you may already have experienced:
"You are the only one who has given me permission to grieve, the only one who has said it's okay to feel sad and lonely. With you, it's okay to cry, to get angry, to go with my feelings. Everyone else told me to get on with it, to move forward and let the past be the past."
Permission is indeed the key to grieving. Without permission, you can't even get started. People sometimes don't understand that you need permission to grieve. George recounted his experience:
"Since Sue died, I can suddenly get very sad, particularly when I am out. I can't help it. I just start to cry. Often the people around me feel awkward and make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Recently I went to visit some friends. We went out for dinner, and all of a sudden, I started to cry. My friend and his wife started fidgeting and fussing. First, they filled my wine glass. Then they started talking about things that were pleasant, and when I didn't stop crying, they said, 'What can we do for you?' 'Please just sit with me,' I said. You'd have thought I had asked for the moon. They had no idea what I was talking about, and just sat there looking confused and scared. All I wanted was for them to be close to me, and they didn't know how to do it. That's not crazy is it?"
George's need to have his friends just sit with him is understandable. However, like so many of us, they couldn't understand, and weren't comfortable with simply doing nothing more than granting him permission to grieve.
Our society is not comfortable with granting someone permission to grieve openly. By and large, we are private people who keep things to ourselves. Even as children, we are told, "Don't yell. The neighbours will hear" or "Pull yourself together and stop crying. Do you want everyone to see that you're a mess?" But, when you're grieving, a mess is exactly what you need to be for a time, and you need to know that you have permission to be that way until you've taken the time you need to work through all of those difficult feelings. Jack recalled how others reacted to his grief:
"Everyone kept telling me to pull myself together. You've got to look to the future. You've got to get on with your life.' All it did was tell me that people didn't want to hear how hurt I was, and they made me feel like I was doing something wrong."
Our society doesn't approve of displays of emotion. As a child I was told that boys need to be strong and don't cry. The only emotions boys are allowed to show are aggression and, occasionally, anger. Girls are allowed, even expected, to cry at times, but even they are considered to be whiners if they show too much weakness or emotion. Michael found such expectations to be particularly difficult:
"I came back to work a few days after my wife's funeral. Everyone told me how terrific it was that I hadn't cried or broken down. How strong I was to get right on with things. The truth was, I wasn't eating much at all, my energy was awful, and I was crying myself to sleep every night. But, after all the undue congratulations, there was no way I could tell anyone what a mess I was inside."
Unfortunately the permission we, like Michael, need so desperately in order to commence and continue our grieving is denied us even at our place of work. I work in a hospital. We're supposed to be sensitive to death and grief, but, if someone close to me dies, I am allowed only three days of compassionate bereavement leave! Three days, can you imagine? I understand that this is close to the standard leave permitted in many workplaces. Karen told me of her boss's reaction to her request for more time to grieve: