Do
Republican Women Get Horny?
And other election-year mysteries.
by
Paul Giglia
Copyright © 2011 Paul Giglia
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My thanks to Michael Iapoce for editing this book. His sense of humor and numerous suggestions helped immensely.
Michael is the author of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Boardroom: Using Humor in Business Speaking. 2nd Edition, an indispensible book for anyone in business or any speaker that wishes to add humor to their presentations.
Cover design and art by Lars Melworth
Table of Contents
Michele
Bachmann: Who’s jerking off to this jerk?
Sarah
Palin: Nobody could be that stupid unless someone had fucked her
brains out
Mitt
Romney: Show me the holy undies!
Herman
Cain: A pizza his mind is a very small slice
Ann
Coulter: She wouldn’t have a warm and fuzzy side if her hair
caught fire
Rick
Perry: And you thought W was a moron
Newt
Gingrich: “I am not an amphibian! I am a Republican!”
Rick
Santorum: Unbearably Sanctimonious
Christine
O’Donnell: Even Doris Day Thinks She’s Taking Virginity Too
Far
Jon
Huntsman: Get the H Out of the GOP
Ron
Paul: No Relation to Ru Paul, and that’s a shame
The
Women of FOX News: FOXY Ladies
A
few final words
About
the Author
It seems like every other year lately has been declared “the year of the woman” by some optimistic political pundit or social commentator. From Oscar night to election night, women were the odds-on favorites to win at whatever they were involved in.
Hillary Clinton was supposed to finally break the glassiest of ceilings by cruising to the Democratic nomination for President, which office she probably would have won handily. Running against the last eight years of Republican mismanagement, two wars, and an economy that was the envy of Latvia and three African kleptocracies, Monica Lewinsky could have had the election in a landslide.
It was going to be a win-win for women either way: If Clinton didn’t become the first woman President, Sarah Palin would become (shudder) the first woman Vice President. In that case, I’d have pushed for a Constitutional amendment stating that upon the death of the President, the Vice President is required to jump into the President’s funeral pyre and immolate herself.
But every year the predictions turned out to be as premature as a 17-year-old boy having his first sexual experience. Barak Obama, against all predictions, won the nomination and the presidency. In a nation where being African-American doesn’t open many doors, there were a lot of people who woke up that Wednesday morning in shock, saying: “You’re kiddin’ me! The black guy won? Ain’t he a Muslimite?”
So how do we explain the last few years? Women have finally achieved political equality, though not the type that means parity in numbers in office. The equality is in their ability to dramatically influence large numbers of people by saying stupid things. Not just stupid – inane, insipid, insensitive, intemperate, inflaming, inconsistent, and in the national spotlight.
My guess is that the explosion of cable channels and 24-hour cable news shows – gluttonous open beaks begging for constant feeding – is the catalyst for the Babe Conservative Movement. While listening to Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Barbara Walters, James Carville, Mary Matalin, or Helen Thomas is sometimes painful in itself, looking at them all day is just damned frightening. Their demographic is people who died 15 years ago. By trying to fill all those hours of programming, the talent pool has been drained, only to find that Baby Ruth at the bottom really is a turd. And how many times can you watch Michael Moore pretending he’s just an average Joe without your mind wandering to the question, “Why can’t a rich guy like him who’s always on TV afford healthier food and a personal trainer?”
That’s when news and politics turned to an old show biz axiom: If you wanna keep ‘em in their seats, give ‘em sex. From the Scud Stud to Sarah Palin, networks have proven that as long as there’s something shiny and good-looking dangling in front of our faces, we’ll keep watching. Add in outrageous tabloid theories and a school system that lets Texas Creationists dictate the curriculum, and an uninformed citizenry is suddenly getting a high colonic of tits-and-ass journalism and airhead politics.
This book isn’t just about Republican women and their sexual desires. I wish it could have been, but you’d be surprised how hard it is to get these “ladies” to discuss how damp their panties get, and why. I’ve tried to contact them, and couldn’t get any replies except for the occasional restraining order and FBI grilling.
No, this book is also about the Conservative men who have set the tone of political discourse in our nation, the political climate of the last few years, and the election that’s ramping up to get in our faces like Roberto Alomar spitting at an umpire. It’s about a group of people who tell us that our freedoms are being taken away, and all we have to do to get them back, ironically, is to surrender ourselves to their tender mercies, which includes waterboarding and letting the sick die. Yet these same politicians and commentators who want government out of everyone’s lives want to control the most intimate parts of our lives: Reproduction, sex, marriage, and of course who puts what where and with whom. When a contender for the Republican Presidential nomination can run a homophobic ad about freedom (love that Brokeback Mountain-style coat, Mr. Perry), I figure it’s time for me to take a step back and do what I do best: Ridicule them mercilessly.
This book is thus about which of these busybodies has put what where with whom, even if it’s speculation, while examining their agendas. And it’s about making you laugh a little when you’re watching the 400th political ad of the morning and need something to keep yourself from throwing your Xbox through the Sony 56” HDTV. (I’m on my third one of each, so think of this as my saving a lot of money on therapy.)
This effort is incomplete, too. You see, there’s still so much time left from this writing until the primaries and the 2012 election, so it’s impossible to stay current with all the stupid things Conservatives will say. I could write an entire book just quoting Sarah Palin’s monthly vomiting of idiotic remarks. Ah, so many morons, so little time.
Paul Giles
Michele Bachmann: Who’s jerking off to this jerk?
Like many of the women now fronting for the Republican Party, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is a lot hotter than her predecessors in the conservative movement. Let’s face it, while you might jump into bed with Ms. Bachmann, no one ever fantasized about being in a threesome with Jeanne Kirkpatrick and Phyllis Schlafly. Maybe Richard Nixon, but then he was married to Pat, who looked like she wouldn’t move while having sex on a waterbed in a tree house during a hurricane.
If there’s a reason other than her looks why Michele Bachmann has told Mr. De Mille she’s ready for her national close-up, I can’t think of it. It doesn’t take much for panderers to get elected to a seat in the House of Representatives. You just parrot the talking points your constituents want to hear, and make sure the dead whore in your bed isn’t a closer relative than your second cousin. Once you’re elected, though, getting the national spotlight to follow you across the political stage takes a talent for reading the public mood and a disdain for telling the truth.
Ms. Bachmann has both. She’s turned a backwater House seat into a Louis XIV chair. She’s the Representative of Minnesota’s District 6, which includes the cities of St. Cloud, Andover, and Blaine. The district’s major exports are Electrolux home appliances and political hyperbole. Sex is another of the weapons in Ms. Bachmann’s arsenal of asininity; not just that she uses her good looks to command attention, but also uses sex as a cause. Remember when what she calls “Obamacare” was being debated? She took to the House floor to denounce the bill because it would – I’m not making this up – put school-based sex clinics in all our schools to encourage promiscuous behavior in our now chaste students! (Where the fuck was Obamacare when I was in junior high?) Doesn’t sound like a woman that gets a case of the raging hornies to me.
Looking sexy seems more like a façade to disguise her deep-seated dread of anyone having it outside the strictures of the Bible. This became clear in 2004, when a bill to ban same-sex marriages in her state was being debated. Pounding the great homosexual conspiracy, she went to the airwaves to say, “…our children will be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal and natural and that perhaps they should try it, and that’ll be very soon in our public schools all across the state, beginning in kindergarten.”* She probably has the same nightmare every night – five-year-olds singing the gay alphabet song as part of their indoctrination: “A/C, D/C, G is for Gay; H, I, J, K, let me blow your P(enis).”
*Prophetic Views Behind The News, hosted by Jan Markell, KKMS 980-AM, March 6, 2004.
Then in an April 2005 town hall, Bachmann called the police in a panic after two lesbians tried to talk to her in a women’s restroom. This was just after a question-and-answer session was cut short by Ms. Bachmann when the topic of same-sex marriage arose. A state senator at the time, she told police she was “absolutely terrified and has never been that terrorized before as she had no idea what those two women” were going to do to her. It seems a former nun had followed Ms. Bachmann to discuss her views on theology. Her homophobia knowing no bounds, she began screaming that she was being held against her will. I’m not sure what she thought would happen to her in that bathroom. Perhaps in her mind the nun was going to pull out a ruler and rap her knuckles until she confessed her repressed desire to muff dive Melissa Etheridge. Whatever the reason, I certainly wouldn’t depend on a President Bachmann to take seriously her oath to uphold the Constitution when it comes to equality.
Early in July 2011 Ms. Bachman also decided to sign a pledge that included a ban on “all forms of pornography.” But what’s pornography to her probably isn’t pornography to people with working genitalia. Who gets to decide? I mean, other than the Supreme Court that decades ago said that the First Amendment doesn’t allow prohibiting any form of speech unless it’s eroticism that’s “patently offensive” and utterly lacking in any “serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value”. As with other Republicans who shit bricks about the erosion of our Constitutional rights, she has no problem with gutting the First
Amendment. Besides, if we can prohibit speech that’s patently offensive, her mouth should be the first one sewn up.
In 2009, she opened this Freudian window into the mind of an uptight Minnesota housewife. Discussing federal spending, she said, "During the last 100 days we have seen an orgy. It would make any local smorgasbord embarrassed…The government spent its wad by April 26." I got an erection just reading that slutty statement. Someone should give Ms. Bachmann a list of sexual references to avoid, along with an explanation of what “spent its wad” means in the locker room. If an advisor doesn’t clue her in, I fear what her next speech might bring:
When I was a little girl I lived in Waterloo, Iowa. We had a house near an arid hill that we’d climb. It wasn’t really an arid hill as much as a dry hump in the landscape. But we climbed it anyway, and then we’d go down on each other’s wagons.
It was a simpler time back then. We didn’t have the Internet. We’d do things as a family, like making fudge to give to the poor. I’d do the cooking, and my brother would pack my fudge. He was a great fudge-packer, known throughout three counties as one of the best fudge packers they’d ever seen.
But now I’m in Congress, and I’m mad! We need jobs! Every chance I get I’m out there shaking hands with the unemployed. And you should see the gratitude on the faces of those men, especially when they belong to a union and I reach out to their members.
I love my job. Sometimes I feel like Moses, leading my people out of bondage. And that’s where we’re headed in this country. Bondage! When what we really need is discipline! And I’m just the person to whip everyone into shape.
I’ve travelled everywhere, and I know this is the greatest nation on Earth. I wanted my husband to see that, too, so I bought him an around-the-world trip. I guess you can say he’s gone around the world on me. Heck, he’s gone around the world on me many times.
I’m worried about deficits, and those public employee unions are killing our states. Why should the salaries and benefits of garbage men be so high? They’re rude! Every week we get woken up by the noise some burly trash collector banging my can. If he’s going to bang my can, at least do it quietly so my husband doesn’t notice.
Not every nation is as prosperous as ours. Like at my house, we have 24-karat gold bathroom fixtures. I like to say we take golden showers. Shouldn’t everyone be able to take warm, golden showers like my husband and I do?
Sexually repressed people often deny unpleasant truths, and Ms. Bachmann certainly fits the profile. I can imagine her taking to heart her mother’s advice about sex: “Just close your eyes and think of Reagan.” The unpleasant truths Ms. Bachmann represses tell a lot about how naïve she is. She’s like a child who denies she’s broken a lamp, and convinces herself she didn’t so she won’t think of herself as a “bad girl”. Then too, she received her J.D. degree from Oral Roberts University, which is so Freudian even Oedipus would recoil in disgust.
Michele Marie Bachmann was born Michele Amble on April 6, 1956 in Waterloo, Iowa. Her family, described as Norwegian Lutheran Democrats, moved to Minnesota when she was 13 years old. After her parents divorced, Ms. Bachmann was raised by her mother, whose second marriage brought the kid-total in her house to nine. Graduating from high school in 1974, she then spent time in Israel working on a kibbutz, where I’m sure her efforts to bring the Word of Jesus to everyone in that Jewish state was greatly appreciated.
Upon graduation from Winona State University she married Marcus Bachmann (both events in 1978), a clinical therapist who tries to keep Ms. Bachmann safe from homosexuals by practicing “reparative therapy” to turn gay people straight. Ironically, there’s been a lot of speculation that Mr. Bachmann doesn’t have a PhD in psychology, isn’t licensed to practice in Minnesota, and prefers large dicks to women’s pussies. I have no idea what his sexual orientation is, but a lot of people believe he and J. Edgar Hoover both liked to shop for their clothes in the lingerie department of Macy’s.
If true, that’s just one more example of her bible-inspired blindness to reality. For example, she once said that she didn’t want to attend law school, but her husband commanded her to go. She agreed because “the bible says be submissive to your husbands.” When asked during one of the Republican Presidential nominee debates if she was planning to be submissive to her husband if elected president, she said that submissive means respectful.
Certainly it could include respect, but when you’re submissive it’s usually the kind of respect you give while dressed in leather, chained to a post, and screaming, “Oh, yes, Marcus! I’m a dirty, dirty, dirty girl! Whip me more, Marcus! Again! Again! Tighten the nipple screws, my cockmaster!” I wonder if their safe word is Liza?
By telling us she was “commanded” to attend law school by her husband, we see the specter of a president awoken by that 3:00 a.m. phone call about a national emergency having to shake her husband and saying, “Wake up, Marcus! The Chinese have launched a nuclear attack and I need you to command me to retaliate!”
She also likes to back up her talking points with bizarre, historically inaccurate and possibly delusional statements. Here’s on of my favorites: “Our ancestors had different cultures, different backgrounds, different traditions. How unique in all of the world, that one nation that was the resting point from people groups all across the world...it didn't matter the color of their skin, it didn't matter their language, it didn't matter their economic status...once you got here, we were all the same. Isn't that remarkable?"
Yes, it’s remarkable all right. Remarkable that she’s never seen old photos of store windows displaying signs that read, “No Irish.” Remarkable that she’s blind to the anti-Chinese legislation that dominated the 19th and early 20th centuries. And it’s remarkable that 20 million slaves didn’t collectively roll over in their graves. But then, she seems to have the same sort of delusions about slavery when she said that, though slavery was a “scourge” on American history, "…we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States...I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forebearers (sic) who worked tirelessly – men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country."
Ignoring the fact that John Quincy Adams was not a founder of this nation, being the sixth President of the United States, our “forebearers” must have had a different definition of working “tirelessly” against slavery during 1787’s Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia:
Charles Pinckney, South Carolina: Oh, if only we could end slavery in my state and all through the south!
Benjamin Franklin, Pennsylvania: Yes! Slavery is a scourge that must be extinguished! Let’s do it!
CP: I have worked tirelessly to abolish this damnable institution! Just today I tried to lift that heavy feather quill pen to scratch out the clause that protects slavery, but it was beyond my poor body’s strength!
BF: Well, Charles, as I always say, there is no gain without pain, a penny saved is a penny earned, and you’re a sack of horseshit moldering in the summer heat.
I’m not sure what kind of moron could believe that the framers of the Constitution devoted themselves to ending slavery yet somehow couldn’t have been bothered to simply omit the offending Article, but it’s probably the type of moron who represents Minnesota’s Sixth District and daydreams about redecorating the Oval Office with lawn jockeys and movie posters from Gone With the Wind.
Her stupidity and demagoguery would all seem funny, the ravings of a paranoid politician of the Joseph McCarthy-type, if House Speaker John Boehner hadn’t chosen Ms. Bachmann for a position on the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence. That’s the committee that oversees the CIA, NSA, and the entire U.S. intelligence community.
If George W. Bush giving contracts in Iraq to friends at Halliburton is like letting the fox guard the henhouse, then letting Bachmann oversee intelligence is like letting some stupid twat oversee intelligence. (Sorry. There’s just no cliché that can do justice to Boehner’s boner choice.)
Take these examples of her intelligence expertise. She believes Hezbollah is planning to put missile site in Cuba; that we should have helped the repressive Middle Eastern governments crush the Arab Spring uprisings; that we had no justification for helping to overthrow Muammar el-Quaddafi; we should support the Israeli building of settlements in the West Bank (“All we’re talking about is Israel building apartments on their own land. This is their land. The word 'occupy' is a word that’s used by the Palestinians. This is Israeli land. End of sentence. Period.”); we should do anything to support Israel, not because they’re an ally, but because of a biblical injunction that betraying Israel will curse us (“As a nation we have been blessed because of our relationship with Israel, and if we reject Israel, then there is a curse that comes into play.”); and that if American troops are withdrawn from Iraq, Iran will invade and take over (“We all know what’s about to happen. Iran is waiting in the wings. Iran cannot wait to penetrate.”)
Let’s see. Cuba knows we almost went to DefCon One with Russia over missiles in Cuba, so I doubt Raoul Castro is going to let his island be incinerated for the sake of Hezbollah; the Arab Spring brought democracy to those nations that threw off their tyrants, so Ms. Bachmann must be pro-repression and anti-democracy; Quaddafi ordered the terrorist bombing of Flight 103, so it was certainly our business to help get rid of him; the West Bank is outside the official borders of Israel, and under international law they cannot build settlements on occupied land; our relationship with Israel began in 1948, whereas our nation began in 1776, so we as a nation were blessed long before Israel arrived on the scene; and as far as her contention on Iraq that “Iran cannot wait to penetrate”, she just can’t help but misuse sexually charged terms.
Then there’s this Bachmann statement during an interview with conservative radio host Scott Hennen. Discussing the G20 Summit, she said that she does not want America to be part of the international global economy. “I don’t want the United States to be in a global economy where our economic future is bound to that of Zimbabwe. We can’t necessarily trust decisions that are being made financially in other countries.” True, but who the hell can trust the financial decisions of Republicans in this country, who deregulated the financial industry and caused the last two economic meltdowns? Of course, we don’t have to be part of the international global economy. We could move the entire nation to Mars and shoot down any cargo spaceships that try to import Sony TVs or Saabs. Shut down the entire import/export system. Adam Smith would be proud!
She was also the dimwit who, during a November 2010 interview with Anderson Cooper, decided to answer a question about cuts to Medicare and Social Security with a tirade against President Obama’s trip to Asia. She said the trip "is expected to cost the taxpayers $200 million a day. He's taking two thousand people with him. He'll be renting out over 870 rooms in India. And these are 5-star hotel rooms at the Taj Mahal Palace hotel. This is the kind of over-the-top spending, it's a very small example, Anderson." She was quoting a press account from India attributed to an anonymous government source. The $200 million-per-day figure is ludicrous, but so is the fact that she is one of the people that oversees U.S. Intelligence.
Ms. Bachmann has proven herself to be the most credulous candidate imaginable. There seems to be nothing she won’t believe, except that her husband’s fondest wish is to be a choreographer on Broadway. During another Republican Presidential nominee debate she tried to score points against then-leading Rick Perry of Texas for signing a bill that made it mandatory for young women to receive the vaccine for the human papilloma virus (HPV) to prevent cervical cancer.
Ms. Bachmann, always ready to open her mouth anytime there’s not a dick near it, attacked Gov. Perry by saying the vaccine was dangerous, claiming, “I had a mother last night come up to me...she told me her little daughter took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation thereafter.” If true, I wonder how many times Ms. Bachmann was vaccinated to make her that brain damaged? Of course she couldn’t document the story, nor could anyone else, but if you’re a Conservative, just thinking up a whopper like that is enough to put millions of women at risk from ovarian cancer.
She’s been elected to her seat three times so far, and looks to win again in 2012. You’ve got to wonder why the people of her district would continue to vote for someone who sounds like she’d have to take off her sweater to count to two. I suppose her constituents may agree with her philosophy and strange beliefs. If that is the reason, I’d definitely ask the EPA to test Minnesota’s water and air to see which hallucinogenic agent is fucking up so many neural pathways in their brains. (Maybe that’s why she wants to get rid of the EPA. They might uncover some GOP mind-control experiment. That would explain a great many Republican election victories.)
But it could just be that she’s a babe, and there are a lot of old geezers in her district that began buying Viagra® as soon as they laid eyes on her comely face and legs that stretch to infinity and beyond. She’s probably nailed down the great horny lecher vote for as long as she can afford cosmetic surgery, push-up bras, and hairspray.
Being a Christian and moralist, Ms. Bachmann holds the world to the highest standards of behavior. Who’s fucking whom is of great concern to her, especially if both sexual partners pee standing up. Assuming she’s not an intentional hypocrite, only one who’s blind to introspection, we’ll take her word that she’s followed Christian moral principles. So does that mean she was a virgin on her wedding night? If so, it follows she never got horny enough to spread ‘em for a boy out behind the high school gym. (Her reverence of the Founding Fathers’ moral standards doesn’t seem to take into account that in the 18th century, about one third of all women went to the altar pregnant.)
If she were a virgin on her wedding night, she’d certainly want to prove it to her family. Maybe she took a page from some nomadic, Middle Eastern tribes and had her fist-pumping husband run out of the bedroom waving a bloodstained sheet to the applause of her in-laws. But if she was the slut the rest of us are, then a little pig’s blood pre-positioned in her vagina would fool her naïve and also virginal husband.
Then there’s the stick she has up her ass about Planned Parenthood. You have to wonder if her opposition to that fine organization has anything to do with a fear of sex, at least as a pleasurable experience. Ms. Bachmann has called for the defunding of Planned Parenthood, which provides cancer screenings, HIV testing, breast exams, and other health and prenatal care services. Only 3% of their work is abortions. It also provides family planning services. Family planning involves birth control, birth control involves sex, sex involves pleasure, and none of those seems to involve Ms. Bachmann.
Her objection to Planned Parenthood, of course, is primarily a matter of her objection to abortion, followed closely by her objection to separating fact from fantasy. Calling Planned Parenthood a criminal enterprise (no, really!), she said, “We’re giving money to corrupt groups like Planned Parenthood [that is] committing crimes and enabling young, minor girls. This organization has by their own records performed 324,008 abortions in 2008 and 2009, and that’s in addition to the trafficking of underage girls that has gone on under Planned Parenthood’s nose.”
In the middle of the night, when she’s sleeping soundly, do aliens transport her to the mother ship, implant wild ideas in her tiny human brain, then sit back and laugh as they watch what happens when she repeats their little jokes? Enabling minor girls? Trafficking of underage girls? I assume she means that they treat women who’ve had or are contemplating having sex, in which case Ms. Bachmann could probably use a ten-inch trafficking as soon as possible.
But I doubt that she’s the type to do anything fun, even to herself. (Her version of the Divinyl’s hit is, “When I think of you, I touch my crucifix!”) If she had normal sexual urges she might understand why Planned Parenthood is so essential to women’s health. For one thing, a good, active sex life has beneficial effects on both the body and the mind. (Considering the state of her mind, I’m betting she hasn’t gotten laid in 15 years. And taking into account her husband’s screamingly gay behavior, 15 years is the generous estimate.) And for another, Planned Parenthood, which by law can’t use federal funds for abortions, shouldn’t get 100% of its funding cut because of a 3% abortion rate.
The name Planned Parenthood should give Ms. Bachmann a clue as to what they’re about. A lot of it is contraception, which so many Republicans are against. They’re just as opposed to contraception as they are to abortions, not making the connection between contraceptives use and fewer abortions. Ms. Bachmann probably thinks all people have the same self-control/low sex drive that she has. And like H.L. Mencken’s definition of Puritanism, she “lives in fear that someone, somewhere may be having a good time.”
Of course, this is all speculation. Ms. Bachmann’s sex life isn’t something I’m privy to. We know she gave birth to five children. But unless some sordid amateur-porn home videos turn up, it’s entirely possible that those kids were the only flesh to have passed through her vagina. All it would take is a turkey baster, a guy in the bathroom with the latest copy of Conservative Cunts Magazine, and a tube of K-Y Jelly.
Besides those five kids, she also claims to have raised 23 foster children. Here she’s playing fast and loose with the facts. You’re shocked, I know. In a statement by Kris Harvieux, a former senior social worker in the foster-care system in Bachmann’s county, some placements were almost certainly short term. “Some of them you have for a week. Some of them you have for three years, some you have for six months,” said Harvieux. “She makes it sound like she got them at birth and raised them to adulthood, but that’s not true.”
So besides crusading against homosexuality and sex, what exactly does she stand for? From her web site Bachman for Congress:
Representative Bachmann has developed a reputation as a principled reformer who stays true to her constitutional conservative beliefs while pushing for real reform of the broken ways of Washington. In Congress, Michele Bachmann is a leading advocate for bipartisan earmark reform and tax relief and is a staunch opponent of wasteful government spending.
She may say she wants to fix Washington and is “a staunch opponent of wasteful government spending”, and has often tarred Democrats with the socialist brush, but hypocrisy, thy name is Bachmann. Her Better Dead Than Red attitude changes quickly to Show Me the Money when she has the chance to receive federal funds. Her ownership stake in the family farm has netted her over $250,000 in farm subsidies. You’d think a person who doesn’t believe that the government should help poor people would object to taking money for a farm she doesn’t work.
Ms. Bachmann chairs the Tea Party Caucus, which is kind of like being the Queen of Crazyland. No actual Tea Party members are in Congress. There are Democrats, Republicans, and Independents. Not one Congressperson elected ran on the Tea Party ticket, but conservatives like Ms. Bachmann, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan co-opted the Tea Party message, which they received in spite of their aluminum foil hats. Bachmann saw an opportunity to aggrandize her insignificant status by forming a fantasy caucus. Maybe it’s like a fantasy baseball league. She and Paul Ryan draft their fellow Tea Party-leaning Representatives and keep score by tracking their strikeouts at the polls and how many hits they succeed in making the middle class take.
That brought on one of her more embarrassing appearances. (As though any of them don’t feel like an Onion parody.) The official Republican response to President Obama’s State of the Union address came from Paul Ryan. Believing that one lying asshole wasn’t enough to foist upon the American people, Ms. Bachmann arranged her own Tea Party response, which was aired by that “trusted” news source, TeaPartyHD, billed as a “television and Internet network”. CNN was there, too, as well as some visiting Japanese businessmen who mistakenly thought she was a stripper about to bump and grind on the pole behind her holding the American flag.
If only that was what she was there for, it would have been less embarrassing. During her response, she looked the entire time at the TeaPartyHD camera - broadcasting to possibly hundreds of viewers - and ignored the CNN camera. Anyone watching CNN saw a woman wearing enough makeup to attract a horny raccoon who appeared to be talking to some of her imaginary furry forest friends off to the left. She later explained that the teleprompter she was reading from was on the TPHD camera, but damn, even the idiot women you can watch in online amateur porn videos will glance over at the camera while they’re getting their teeth flossed by their boyfriends’ pubes.
After blaming the Bush recession on Obama, along with claiming the Tea Party is a “dynamic force for good in our national conversation”, by which I suppose she was referring to their racism, birther fantasies, and Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged philosophy of labor and masters, she ended with this grammatically ludicrous and historically inaccurate story:
“The perilous battle that was fought during World War II in the Pacific at Iwo Jima was a battle against all odds, and yet this picture immortalizes the victory of young GIs over the incursion against the Japanese. These six young men raising the flag came to symbolize all of America coming together to beat back a totalitarian aggressor.”
Only a bobblehead like her could think that the Tea Party, Iwo Jima, and Americans of the 1940s have anything in common. For one thing, the Tea Party represents Americans not coming together for their country. In fact, if they had been in power on December 7, 1941 our GIs would have had to buy their own bullets before going off to war, because the first thing they’d have done after Pearl Harbor is cut taxes and bitch about having a standing army.