FAT CHANCE I’LL STARVE TO DEATH
By
Ron Shillingford
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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Fat Chance I’ll Starve to Death
Copyright © 2011 by Ron Shillingford
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Anorexia had taken a hold once more.
After years of keeping it under control, Josephine Fielding’s weight was spiraling out of control again.
Down to eighty-three pounds and still losing, death by starvation was a real possibility.
The relapse started when a hamstring injury playing volleyball prevented Jo from exercising daily. She checked into her eighth institution since first showing signs of anorexia at fifteen.
“I’m sorry doctor, but as soon as I pulled my hamstring and knew I couldn’t exercise for awhile I started panicking. When I got the all clear to exercise again I started overcompensating and making sure I only had a maximum of five hundred calories a day.”
Dr Nelson Kogbara understood but only to a point. Where he came from in Nigeria skinny people wanted to be bigger and were usually only thin because of malnutrition and poor food choice through poverty. When growing up in the Niger Delta, to Dr Kogbara big people were usually wealthy because they were the only ones able to afford to eat well. Anorexia was virtually unheard of in Africa.
“What happened after you were given the all clear to exercise, Josephine?” he asked.
She lowered her head to avert her eyes from his, feeling immersed in shame and guilt. “As soon as I could, I started exercising like a demon - but without increasing how much food I ate. I have this phobia of excess calories. I can't sleep if I feel I haven’t exercised enough. Two hundred press-ups and two hundred sit-ups before I can even think about sleeping. I’m not comfortable resting until two hours after eating.”
When Jo was thirteen she only weighed forty pounds and had to be fed through a tube for months. She had never had a period so was resigned to being unable to have children naturally.
Taking medication daily was a lifelong health factor after ruining her oesophagus from constant purging. At twenty-eight she already had osteoporosis – brittle bones normally associated with old people - and had broken bones from being hugged from being so frail.
“I feel like a failure, doctor. I wrote a journal when convinced that I’d beaten this illness, but now it’s completely controlling me again. I have to know exactly what I’ll be eating days in advance so I can prepare myself mentally. It just completely controls every aspect of my life. It’s tormenting. Everything revolves around this regimented schedule around food.”
At Dr Kogbara’s clinic in Madison Avenue, Jo was initially an in-patient then had to attend every day where she had to eat when told. Staff supervised patients to ensure they didn't throw up their food.
Jo claimed hearing a voice in her head. “It’s all about guilt, constantly reminding me that I don't deserve a nice life and to be happy. You’re insignificant to the whole world. Extreme self-loathing. I thought of harming myself when I heard a friend dissed me recently, because that justifies how I feel about myself.”
Her sister Maria on the other hand was experiencing quite a different weight problem. At two hundred and forty pounds, Maria was twice as heavy as usual. Being only five foot two tall her tiny frame was not carrying the excess very well and plenty were prepared to let her know in no uncertain terms. For an American to be so big in a land of already obese people that you stood out, this was the ultimate shame.
How did I get to this point? How has my life spiraled out of control? I wish I had the willpower to say no.
Maria was in a bright purple tracksuit, wore thick horn-rimmed glasses and sported special makeup which gave her an all-over larger look.
She strolled through the Manhattan streets, attracting stares from onlookers as she guzzled two hot dogs at once, applied make-up on and animatedly hailed a taxi, loose flesh wobbling in all directions. When she finally got a taxi, Maria visited Jo at the clinic.
Nobody would ever believe they were sisters judging by the weight differential.
I know Jo has her problems but sometimes I wish I was that thin too, and then I wouldn’t have to worry about what I eat and deal with those horrid people.
Jo stopped attending the clinic the following week. She returned to living near Yonkers with her mother Barbara who could monitor her eating habits. Jo living alone was a disaster as she found it easier to allow the anorexia to control her. As a web designer she could stay in her apartment for days, literally wasting away.
“You’re far better off here with me, Jo. I don’t want you eating absolutely nothing again, drinking only water and running and exercising way too much.”
“I’ll try mum but you know, it’s always that fight between food and fat. And fear of fat always wins.”
“I know you’ve heard it over and over but you are definitely not fat, far from it. Severely under-weight darling, which is why you have all these health issues. You are in denial, Dr Kogbara said.”
“Sorry mum, but I see everybody as fat, even if they are normal. I crave to be as slim as catwalk supermodels. You know, the really, really skinny ones. To me they are my fantasy size.”
“You’re already their size. Thinner, in fact. It’s all your state of mind, Jo. Here, try this vegetable soup I made. It was always your favourite. At least a few mouthfuls. Please.”
The next two hours was a typical encounter between Jo and her arch-enemy – calories. She stirred the soup around as if hoping it would evaporate into thin air. When Barbara encouraged her to “eat up, sweetie, it’s good for you”, Jo reluctantly scooped up a spoonful and moved it tantalizingly to her lips, deliberately spilling most of it back into the bowl on the way. Barbara fought back the urge to grab the spoon and force feed her because from past experiences dating back to childhood knew it would be futile.
Maria couldn’t believe all the public hostility towards her. Okay, she was a big girl but there was absolutely no need nor justification to be openly rude to a total stranger.
“Mum, did you see the size of her ass. Huge!” said one child ignoring the fact that he was not out of earshot. He even held his arms wide to demonstrate the width.
The mother was equally insensitive. “Yes, Tommy, it was massive. I thought I had a big backside but hers covers three continents.” They laughed.
“You should be ashamed of yourself,” a little old lady declared as Maria munched on a slice of pizza. “In my youth, just after the war, there wasn’t enough to eat to get fat.”
And so it went on. Feeling pretty low as she snacked on a bag of Doritos on a bench in Central Park, Maria did not notice the young man in dark blue Boss suit wearing a Cartier watch and attracting plenty of female attention for his chiseled features. A little gaunt, the only criticism of him was that maybe he was on the thin side. The bones on his shoulders were protruding.
“Hi, I’m Jasper, do you mind if I join you?”
“Eh, no, not at all. I’m Maria. Have a seat.”
They chatted away for a few minutes before Jasper left to return to work. Maria couldn’t believe her luck. She was going for a date with hunky Jasper that evening. Of course, she had reservations about his motives, but for the time being she was just enjoying the moment.
Jasper claimed to be a Mercedes Benz salesman fed up of vacuous pretty girls and now wanted to date someone for their “inner beauty and purity of soul”. They would meet at the Casbah, Manhattan’s trendiest watering hole for the pretty set, at eight that night.
Maria ensured she told him she had a degree in anthropology, could speak Spanish, French and a spattering of Italian and had worked during the summer for children’s charities in Brazil when a student. Maria had been fat for long enough to know what a gorgeous man like Jasper really thought of big people like her.
I’m not sure what he’s up to but I’ll play along with it. If only he knew the real me!
When she returned home, Jo was still sipping from the bowl of soup.
“It’s good to see you getting something nourishing, Jo.”
“I’m trying, but, as you know, it’s not easy. Wish I could eat normally like you guys.”
“Just listen to everything Dr Kogbara has taught you and you’ll be fine.”
Maria went upstairs to change for her hot date. When ready she jumped in a taxi and made sure she got there half an hour before just so that she was suitably relaxed and perfectly poised.
Dr Kogbara phoned Jo’s house.
“Hi Jo, I’m going to make you an offer I hope you find very hard to refuse. I’m sure it will help with your recovery, possibly keep you well for ever.”
“Yes, doctor. Anything. Anything. This disease has blighted my life for far too long.”
Dr Kogbara made a home visit to see Jo, Barbara and the girls’ stepfather Charlie. Dr Kogbara suggested that Jo and Barbara go to Abuja, Nigeria’s capital, for two weeks partly to help Jo’s recovery and also for her to see what masses of malnourished people go through in their lives.
“Abuja is a lovely city with modern facilities, but it also has its poverty, like anywhere else. My theory is that it may jolt you into appreciating your own issues with food and maybe take a more positive attitude to it. I have a general health clinic there that can monitor your progress Jo and give you any advice and support Barbara.”
Jo smiled. “It sounds okay in principle. Let me think about it, please doctor.”
“Thanks, we’ll certainly give it plenty of thought and get back to you shortly,” Charlie said.
Maria sat waiting patiently for Jasper in the Casbah. She waited and waited…and waited. Not surprised, he did not show, she rang and texted him but he did not respond. Annoyed but not totally crushed, Maria tracked down the Mercedes dealers Jasper claimed to work at the next day, the one on 770 11th Avenue, between 53rd and 54th Streets. Full of bravado as she searched the vast showroom for him, she waited patiently when finally spotting him talking to a couple who were evidently keen to buy one of the fabulous sports models.
When after half an hour they left having shaken Jasper’s hand and promising to return, Maria seized her chance and approached him.
“Hello Jasper, how are you? Fat chance you’ll remember me though.”
“Hi, how are you? Where do I know you from?”
“Forgotten me already! Wow, I thought I’d made a very big impression. Very big.”
“The voice sounds familiar but I’m not sure where we met.”
“It’s Maria. Central Park yesterday.”
Jasper took time to gather his thoughts.
“Nope. Still can’t remember. I couldn’t possibly have met such a beautiful woman like you and not remembered twenty-four hours later.”
“Actually, we met on the park bench and we arranged to meet in Casbah last night only you didn’t show up.”
Jasper took a step back and looked her up and down.
“But you were a big girl then. Really huge. How could you have lost half your body weight overnight like that?”
“Hah! Strict diet,” Maria laughed. “Emergency gastric band op. Slept in a sauna. Liposuction for ten hours…”
Jasper was not amused.
“Actually, I work in promotion and was hired by a reality TV company to spend a few days in a fat suit in a hideous purple track suit to gauge the public’s response. You sounded so genuine about liking me but I knew it was too good to be true. So, here I am, the real me.”
Maria held out her arms and spun her curvy frame around for his admiration.
Jasper pulled out his BlackBerry, tapped some buttons and showed her an image. It was of a very round, dark haired woman cuddling two small children.
“That’s my late wife, Nadia, the mother of my kids. She died last year when undergoing surgery to have a gastric band fitted to help her lose weight. I didn’t want her to have it in the first place. I loved her exactly the way she was. You see Maria; I genuinely do love big women. Some men in this world do. People may see us as perverts or weirdoes but there’s nothing wrong with that. Nadia had a heart of gold. We were college sweethearts. I’ve tried to date slim, pretty girls like you but they just don’t do anything for me. You reminded me of my wife and I wanted to get to know you as a big woman. I phoned the Casbah three times asking if a big woman was there by herself but obviously they could only see the slim you. That’s why I didn’t show.”
“Well I’ve never been rejected in that way before. Are you sure there isn’t a chance of us at least going on a date?”
Jasper started walking away smiling.
“Put on at least a hundred pounds and maybe I’ll think about it.”
Jo ended up staying in Nigeria for a month. Initially hating it at first, the total culture change was a shock. But with Barbara they received so much kindness from Dr Kogbara’s staff at the clinic and the Abuja people they were introduced to that they were both sad to go.
The best part of the stay was that she saw how disadvantaged the poorest people were and how little choice they had for basic food which she had always taken for granted. That completely changed her mind set. She even managed to gain four pounds.
Previously difficult to employ because of her frail condition, through Dr Kogbara she was able to find work, visiting schools to advise pupils on good nutrition and to warn teachers and parents alike on the early signs of anorexia. Jo also advised girls to not to try to emulate the angular models and celebrities lauded in the media for being thin. “Most of them go through agony, have serious health issues and are very unhappy.”
That work led to her counseling adult groups around New York.
One evening Jo arrived home and in conversation with Maria mentioned that at an adult help group there was a charming, dapper man who stood out from the rest not only because he was one of the few men she saw suffering from anorexia, he claimed that the disease had taken hold because his wife had died young mainly from being obese.
“He claimed he wanted to join her, Maria. And as it was too much food that killed her, he felt that too little should kill him to balance the order.”
“What was his name?”
“I can’t tell you that, confidential.”
“Let me hazard a guess. Jasper was it?”
My God! How did you know?”
Maria explained her brief encounter with Jasper. The next day Maria went back to the TV studio and retrieved her fat suit. She insisted on the make-up department giving her a makeover like before.
“Hey, Jasper, remember me,” she said at his workplace. “How’s about a drink at Casbah tonight?”
Jasper laughed heartily for the first time since Nadia’s death.
From that day his anorexia was a thing of the past and his family and friends need not worry about losing him.
He also found romance. With a slim girl called Maria.