EXPENDITURES
OF
THE
HEART
Roger Dale Trexler
First Printing — December 2011
Cover Illustration by my son,
Darrien James Trexler,
now 9 1/2 years old, drawn when he was 8 1/2 years old.
©2011 Roger Dale Trexler.
All Rights Reserved.
A BRIEF EXPLANATION OF THIS VOLUME
I was diggng around on my desk the other day and realized I had a few too many loose poems laying around. I oftentimes write them on scrap pieces of paper and throw them on my desk for later use. Such is the case with these poems.
Merry Christmas, everyone. May 2012 be a prosperous and loving one for us all.
Roger Dale Trexler
12/18/11
EXPENDITURES OF THE HEART
I paid for it with my heart
a price no bank could touch
no lottery could pay
no friend could offer a loan
paid back
with interest
It was a payment of the soul
an expenditure of the heart
made over time
with no dividends
returned.
RELEASE
Trapped
in the beauty
of the moment
a glare in her
eyes
revealing
the mysteries
that lay within
the scent of her
flesh
as I have only
imagined
—it smells like freedom
and release.
MY CHRISTMAS
Who needs Christmas
when I have you
your smile
your warmth
your love
—a gift
that lasts
all year long.
A BLANKET OF LEAVES
A blanket of leaves
covers the ground
hiding
obscuring
the remnants of my love
nestled
in the cool, dry earth
beneath a multi-colored fabric
supplied by God
and time
and hate, or what passes for it
covering
hiding
enveloping
the love that I once knew
in the spring
before Autumn
took hold.
GO AWAY BLUES
I don’t want summer
to be over
I don’t want to feel
cold
or know the darkness
that winter brings
I want to feel the sunlight
on my face
the joy
of my children playing
the sight of a woman
in her summer clothes
but, the wind whispers
winter
with each passing day
and,
soon,
though I do not wish it to
Summer
will go away.
WORTHY
In twilight
I roam
with no place
to call home
and no one
to answer the door
with a loving smile
and open arms
when I arrive
—a simple touch
to make the journey
worthwhile.
ASSHOLES
The walls close in
sometimes
they mock you
laugh
find it funny
that you are alone
The walls
can be assholes
sometimes.
MITTENS
My kitten’s
lovely mittens
glitter on
each paw
one is silver
and one is gold
and,
as she runs about
the house
my kitten’s
lovely mittens
never grow old.
IN ABSENTIA
In absentia
I mourn
the death
of your love
if ever you did
love me
—perhaps,
that too,
was absent
all the while.
CHILD-LIKE
Oh, to be child-like again
fresh from the womb
to see the world
through open eyes
agog with wonder
every day
an adventure
every moment
a joy
to be cradled
in comforting arms
—a love
unconditional
and complete,
why,
I wonder,
do we surrender
our inner child?
what does adulthood
have to offer
in return?
ON THE MORROW
Part 2
On the morrow
I will love her
as much as today
I could not
make it go away
as she has
nor would I try
and, though her love for me
was a lie
I will still love her
on the morrow,
but I will not cry
because
she lied.
MODERN DAY LOVE
Deleted your number
from my cellphone
gave another girl
your special ringtone
on the Internet
we’ve broken ties
Facebook, Myspace and Twitter
no longer tell your lies
I deleted you
with the flick of a switch
goodbye,
see ya later,
my Internet _ _ _ _ _.
PHOENIX
Rising from the ashes
I soar
into the lonely sky
looking down on you
and wondering why
the fire that burned
passed us by
I thought our love
could know no bounds
till you proved
the fire of love
could be extinguished
without a sound
And, now, I am reborn
The Phoenix
rising from the ashes
of your Hell.
COCOON
In this
cocoon
I store
all the memories
that brought
me joy
—my girls
—my boy
—the love of my life
or, so I thought
when I took a wife
oh, how I prayed
that it was so
but, it was not
Yet, I will store
the love
I had for her
there
in my cocoon
alongside all
the beauty
I have known
in my life.
YOUR GHOST
Your ghost
sat beside me
Your ghost
laid beside me
in the place
where you used to
lay
Your ghost
spoke to me
saying the things
you used to say
Memories are the most
I can expect now
that you are a ghost.
UNFINISHED SONG — “Let Me In”
Baby,
I’ve been drinkin’
I know it’s late
and we ended
with such hard words
I didn’t mean
to make you feel this way
(Chorus)
If you let me in
I will make it a night
to remember
If we kiss again
it will seem like
the first time.....
UNFINISHED SONG —
“Loving You Is Like Pissing in a River”
(chorus)
Pissing in a river
and I don’t know why
pissing in a river
send the stream so high
Pissing in a river
you shouldn’t have lied
and there is no need
to smile so wide
Your love is like my urine
mixed with the muddy water.....
ODE TO A “HO”
(written as a “Beatnik” poem...imagine a smooth bassline playing along.)
The sun in the sky
is so high
why?
It makes me wanna cry
when you lie
the fields are green
with toasted almonds
and cheetahs run wild
at the nature preserve
kick the can
to the curb
it’s all so groovy
Your Momma’s got a lot of nerve
birthing a thing like you
and she must be proud
knowing that you suck so loud
and the sky is like
a tinsel tree
shimmering down on me
But then, you always were a sucker
a lover and a fucker
hell bent on Armageddon
no wonder the sky is so blue
God cut a fart
and he thought of you
or maybe he shat his pants
clinching off a tight one
that got by, anyway
I’m not for sure
You’re kinda like AIDS
there is no cure
and the grass turns brown
when you come around
you keep it fresh
with Clorox bleach
at least the regions
you can reach
for the rest
steel wool
keeps it cool
and rough
—just the way you like it
or, at least, you said you did
till you had kids
then the fire went out
vacated, like your spleen
on EX-LAX
and that’s the facts
you need to know
that,
and don’t eat
the yellow snow.
IN THE RUINS
In the ruins of beauty
a beauty I thought was mine
I saw
the remnants of a love
I thought was undying,
now, dead and decaying
a heart
cast upon the rocks
abandoned and torn
like an old photograph
of happy days
when I used to lay
in her arms
and dream
that nothing
could tear us apart
What a simple conceit
absolute and complete
a tiny web
a spider spun
to catch its prey
its dreams
of happy days
undone
The ruins
remind me
that there was something
something better
or so I thought
before
before she went away
I gaze upon the ruins
but,
try as I might
I can not recall
what it looked like
when it was whole
I know there was love there
before
but, now, the damage is done
and the ruins that extend
to the horizon of my heart
tell me
that love
is no more.
CHILDLIKE
Version 2
Oh, to be child-like again,
fresh from the womb
unscathed
by this life
to see the world
through eyes
open with wonder
every day
an adventure
an exploration
and, every night,
a dream
Oh, to feel cradled
in comforting arms
the world, outside
a million miles away
and I lay
with you
feel your heartbeat
feel your love
feel you
—at all.
THE GOLDEN CARROT
(a child’s poem)
Captain Jack O’Rabbit
and his valiant crew
that numbered thirty-one (adults)
and two (children)
were on the quest
for which they’d sworn
to find the golden carrot
the greatest carrot
ever born
With his first mate,
Harry the hare,
at his side
Captain Jack and his crew
searched far and wide
left to right
and to and fro
every cranny and every nook
there was no place
they would not look
no place they would not go
For, the golden carrot
they all were told
had magical powers
and glowed
They searched by land
and searched by sea
they looked everywhere
they thought, and thought not
it might be
until they’d sailed the world
and walked from sea to sea
there was no place they did not look
but, the golden carrot they did not see
Until one day
they stopped to rest
and lo and behold
from the ground grew a carrot
the largest they ever did see
so they dug and they dug
and pulled and pulled
until they pulled the carrot free
but, it was only a carrot
though gigantic in size
they opened their noses
and closed their eyes
the delicious scent
was something they knew
so they bit the carrot
and started to chew
the magic was there
after all
as their bellies did fill
they knew they had found
the golden carrot
the greatest ever born
growing out of the ground
for the gold was in the nourishment
their bodies did feel
and they would
for a long time
because a thousand golden carrot stalks
covered the hill.
LIGHT MY WAY
In this darkness
that never ends
I look for her
my truest friend
a woman who can light
the way
drive away the gray
and brighten my day
Where are you?
I can not see
and, I fear, the darkness
that never ends
will consume me.
GONER
She left
out
gone
scadoodled
hit the road
didn’t let the door
hit her in the ass
on the way out
who’da thunk it
she had half a brain
after all.
THE ROAD
In the distance
between heartbeats
I saw you
your eyes
glistening with a fire
a desire
for things unknown
and I wished
for nothing else
than to be alone
with you
as we walk
together
down that road.