Edited by
Nivlem Darcy
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 Melvin Perry
All rights reserved.
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ISBN:-978-1-4659-6282-1
Contents
DEDICATION
To truth, research, and government funding
Introduction
The recent discovery of the "Impurgated Austen" papers by Herbert Austen, the great-great-great-grand nephew of Jane Austen has caused much excitement. Mr. Austen discovered the papers hidden in the water closet at the original home of the Austens -- the rectory at Steventon, Hampshire.
The papers contained excerpts from Ms. Austen's novels which had been excised from the published versions and several unpublished short stories.
Many were surprised that Miss Austen, a spinster, was able to write so knowledgably about male anatomy and sexual matters, however, as mistress and manager at Steventon she would have had daily experience with farm hands, livestock, and the "female" problems of the domestics.
The papers were in a very delicate state -- crumpled, torn and tattered, stained and soiled, and quite sticky--though Mr. Austen admitted that he caused some of the stickiness by having an "accident" while reading the papers.
Also consistent are the kind of euphemisms used by well brought up ladies in the 18th century -- member would invariably refer to male genitilia while the foreskin would be hood.
The female genitals would be referred to by the French names for cabbage or cauliflower -- chou, petite chou, or chou-fleur and the clitoris would have a variety of polite alternatives like pea or bean or petite pois. Breasts would always be bosoms and nipples either tips or occasionally raisins or currants.
Jane Austen, always the astute observer of human nature, is at her best here, whether dispensing premarital advice, conceiving pre-Freudian theories of repression, or concocting fanciful adventure stories.
I have included in this volume some of the redacted portions from Emma and several short stories with the adventures of Emma and Miss Taylor.
Nivlem Darcy
Senior Executive Director
Global Head of Titillation
Institute for Prurient Studies
Ridge Pond, NY,
December, 2011
Emma - Introduction
The following excerpt was at the beginning of Chapter One of Emma. This section had mostly been excised as it focused on Miss Taylor's background.
Miss Taylor relaxed alone in the covered carriage. Her hand was under her petticoats stroking her chou fleur, which, glad of the attention, was firm and swollen.
The carriage was taking her to Woodhouse Manor and to her new job as governess to two fairly young girls. It was an exciting new undertaking, she was from a respectable family and no one in England knew about her past.
Not that there was anything particularly scandalous about her past, but she had had several experiences with the male of the species. She had lived with her recently deceased mother for the last ten years on the continent and was now returning to find a husband before the flower of her youth went completely to seed.
Miss Taylor had briefly met Mr. Woodhouse in London when she accepted the position. He was a man of medium height, recently widowed, perhaps forty years of age, still with most of his hair though speckled with grey, and only slightly tending to the rotund.
She had noticed the bulge appear in his trousers when she accidently brushed her hand against him.
She wondered what his member would look like. Would it rise tall and straight or would it curve upwards and perhaps to one side? Would it rise by itself or would it need the aid of her tongue and kisses? Would its head show through its hood? Did he even have a hood? Perhaps the hood had been removed because of a childhood accident or some strange religious or hygienic zeal of his parents? What color would the head be -- bright pink or dark and ominous like the Italian gentlemen. And she imagined grabbing it in her hand and squeezing the hard shaft and sliding the skin back and forth over the head and then taking the head in her mouth and sucking it like a ripe peach.
Would he pay attention to her chou fleur? Would his tongue find its way between her lips and caress the tip until her own liquids would come ...
Knock, Knock!!!
But then Miss Taylor realized she was still in the coach -- her undergarments were all quite damp . The carriage had stopped and the coachman was knocking and looking in through the window. They had arrived at Woodhouse Manor.
Six years passed quickly with Miss Taylor in Mr. Woodhouse's family, she, nominally a governess but, in truth, more to assuage Mr. Woodhouse's more basic needs after his wife passed away.
Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home; lived in the world with very little to distress or vex her.
She was the younger of the two daughters of a most affectionate, indulgent father; and had, in consequence of the marriage of her sister Isabella, became mistress of his house from a very early period.
Between Miss Taylor and Emma, soon came more the intimacy of sisters than of teacher and pupil. Often they would lie together while Miss Taylor instructed Emma on the proper use of a paraffin candle as a substitute for the male member.
Even before Miss Taylor had ceased to hold the nominal office of governess, the mildness of her temper had hardly allowed her to impose any restraint as Emma would inspect and manipulate the tips of Miss Taylor's bosoms while allowing her tongue to explore Miss Taylor's chou-fleur; and the shadow of authority being now long passed away, they had been living together as friend and friend very mutually attached, and Emma doing just what she liked, often with the riding crop on Miss Taylor's buttocks; highly esteeming Miss Taylor's judgment, but directed chiefly by her own.
. . .
Usually, once a week, Miss Taylor would visit Mr. Woodhouse's chambers at night, dressed not in her usually sedate beige dress, but as a French parlour maid and inquire if there was anything Monsieur Woodhouse required -- perhaps a digestif? -- was he still hungry? -- peut etre a little chou-fleur? Today the chou-fleur was very fresh and firm and had been prepared for the goût anglais -- or voulez vous un baiser du pipe? -- perhaps an enema? -- perhaps a spanking?
. . .
At other times, she would approach Mr. Woodhouse (dressed in the same attire) and say she was very worried.
When Mr. Woodhouse asked what was wrong, she would take his hand, guide it under her petticoat and place the forefinger on the tip of her chou-fleur and say "See how firm my petite pois is, it feels like an haricot-- Please Monsieur see what is wrong!"
When Mr. Woodhouse bent his head close to her chou-fleur, she would take his hair on both sides and thrust his head so his nose would rub up and down between her lips and then say "Oh, Monsieur, please, distend your tongue inside my lips -- I fear I have a cramp inside"
Mr. Wodehouse would oblige and after several minutes remove his trousers -- his member now being fully upright -- would finish the work with it.
"Oh, Monsieur, that was perfect -- I am cured. Monsieur is a most excellent physician."
. . .
Still other times, dressed as usual in her French ensemble, she would march forcefully in with a wash basin and say "I am worried about petite Monsieur -- he has not been getting enough exercise of late. Please stand up"
When Mr. Woodhouse stood up, Miss Taylor, would unbutton his trousers and pull off his undergarments. Then wash his member and say with distress "See how poor petite Monsieur hangs sadly!!! He needs more exercise. "
Then she would take petite Monsieur in her mouth and, exerting considerable pressure, pull it out to its furthest limits. Then sliding back its hood, would lick its pink tip until it was swollen to a more robust size. Then Miss Taylor would gently apply her teeth forward and backward and then lick its underside slowly from it base to its tip.
"Yes, I believe you are quite right, Mademoiselle Pamplemousse" Mr. Woodhouse would exclaim. "The little fellow has been quite lazy lately."
"Well then he must be given a rigorous regime today" Miss Taylor would reply, waving his member, by now quite firm, with her hand at its base. Then slapping his member in the palm of her other hand added "We will restore him to his former glory!" Then she applied more suction with her lips and gave it a final kiss before throwing her uniform on the floor.
"But it is very cold out today. Petite Monsieur needs his coat" and with that Miss Taylor reached into a rose-scented bottle and pulled out a home-made French letter lettre français which she rolled over his member.
Then, both quite naked, Mr. Woodhouse seated in an upright in his favorite chair, Miss Taylor would bestride him, insert his member in her chou-fleur and push her bosoms onto Mr Woodhouse's face. "Yes, I can feel him inside me, he is enjoying himself" she would exclaim.
"Yes, I believe the little fellow is quite happy now" Mr. Woodhouse would reply. As Miss Taylor moved slowly up and down petite Monsieur, Mr. Woodhouse busied himself nibbling or licking the tips of Miss Taylor's bosoms and tossing them up and down, because even though they were very firm they bounced in a very agreeable manner.
After some time, Mr. Taylor would say, "Wait, wait, I believe the little fellow would like to go to have a race. Together they would rise and stumble to the divan where Mr. Woodhouse would mount Miss Taylor and say "Let me see how the track is today".
And with that, Mr. Woodhouse would bend his head down to Miss Taylor's chou-fleur , look about, root around with his nose, then lick the chou-fleur, inserting his tongue deep inside and moving it around, exploring all the folds and crevices and massaging the tip until all was well lubricated. Then he reinserted petite Monsieur and said "Yes, it looks like a fine day".
Then, as he would start thrusting, slowly at first, Miss Taylor would say. "Ah, Petite Monsieur is very slow -- he must be driving his mother to Church today. He is very lazy." And with that Miss Taylor reached a nearby riding crop and, by several applications to Mr. Woodhouse's buttocks, spurred on petite Monsieur.
As Mr. Woodhouse picked up momentum., she would add "Ah, Petite Monsieur has left his mother and is going somewhere in a great hurry".
Faster and faster -- their conversation stopped, replaced by beads of perspiration. Miss Taylor, giving short squeals and Mr. Woodhouse low grunts and then the final blow, Miss Taylor felt the spurt inside her, followed by a few more desultory thrusts, and then Mr. Woodhouse gruntled contentedly and rested on her bosom.
"Yes I felt him very nicely. Petite Monsieur was in good form today. He felt very nice in my chou-fleur. We must go to Ascot next week" and they both laughed heartily and contentedly.
Then, Miss Taylor, ever prudent, would slip the lettre français from Mr. Woodhouse's limp member and empty it into the base of the aspidistra.
...
When Miss Taylor had first arrived, she observed one of the maids with child and that several of the other household help had very young children. Making the obvious conclusion, she brought the culinary staff together and instructed them in the preparation of les lettres français.
From the intestines of one sheep about 10 or 12 good quality lettres could be obtained.
First, a quantity of rose water was boiled and allowed to cool in several bottles. Also boiled and allowed to cool was a quantity of fine strong thread and a wooden spoon with a thick smooth handle. Next the kitchen maids were instructed to scrub the intestines thoroughly inside and out and then quickly rinse them in hot water.
Next, the intestines were cut into nine inch pieces. For each piece, one end was firmly tied off with the thread, the extra thread and piece of intestine was clipped off and the intestine was inverted so the thread was inside the lettre.
Then each lettre was pulled over the spoon handle, covered with a light coating of oil and rolled up.
When finished, all the lettres were distributed in the jars of rose water and sealed tightly. MIss Taylor and Emma each took one jar and the rest were distributed amongst the female staff.
All the staff were then sternly chastened that it would be grounds for immediate dismissal if they allowed Mr. Woodhouse, or any other person to have their way without using the prepared lettres.
A Governess Instructs
Miss Taylor had been an excellent governess and the girls became proficient in music and the romance languages as well as knowledge of the basic rituals of marriage.
She explained marriage customs by having the girls observe the farm animals in spring. Upon seeing the stallion mount the mare, Emma expressed shock that the husband would place his feet on her back and asked if men had two foot long members and if this would cause discomfort to the wife's chou-fleur.
Miss Taylor laughed and explained how the girls would be lucky to have a husband with a member longer than six inches and girth of more than one inch. "No larger than the candles we sometimes use." she reassured them.
"But does it hurt?"
"Not usually, as long as you make suitable preparations"
"But, do we like it?" continued Emma.
"Observe the animals" instructed Miss Taylor. "Obviously the stallion is enjoying himself. But consider the mare. She does not seem inconvenienced. Notice how she continues to eat hay even during the stallion's most vigorous exertions."
"And so it is with humans. For a woman, it is not unpleasant with a suitable man, however, your husband will probably not be that suitable. Still, you must endeavor to make him believe you are enjoying it. It will make him more amenable, my dears, to your purchases of fine linens and apparel."
The girls giggled.
"If your mind wanders during these relations, plan your shopping list or what you will wear to the next party -- it makes the time pass more pleasantly and your husband will not notice or interrupt you."
The girls could still not understand how the male member could fit in men's' trousers without being noticed.
To explain this, Miss Taylor obtained the services of a stable boy, a hearty easy going fellow of fifteen years. When they had removed his trousers and undergarments, the girls saw the limp member hanging, they expressed shock.
"How could man, God's most noble creature, have such an insignificant object to perpetuate the species" shrieked Emma.
Then Miss Taylor asked Emma to hold the stable boy's member. Emma at first touched it gingerly as if petting a frog or newt, then took the limp object in her hands and gently tossed it up and down.
It changed rapidly and became quite firm, and Emma fascinated by the change continued to bounce it up and down, watching as the tip began to show from under its hood. The stable boy closed his eyes and grimaced -- his member no longer bouncing in Emma's hand, but standing rigid straight out at right angles and then spurted a large quantity of milky liquid onto Emma's hair, face, and pinafore.
This was cause for much merriment and the girls, Miss Taylor and even the stable boy all laughed heartily.
"Oh, dear! It is very salty!" exclaimed Emma as the liquid rolled down her face. Emma wiped her hair and face with her petticoats which left brown stains that the maids could never remove.
The boy's member continued to throb up and down, but with reduced vigor, eventually sagging mournfully with a drop of milky liquid still slowly dribbling out.
"That is the problem with young men" Miss Taylor laughed. "They come and go before you have finished greeting them."
"But watch, there is more to learn" continued Miss Taylor as she reached over and with her handkerchief, wiped the boy's member clean. She lifted his member and said "See this sack which hangs below. It has two spherical or perhaps ellipsoid objects which we call walnuts."
"Ha Ha!" cried the boy "Those are my b_lls!"
"Boy! Please watch your language! You are amongst young ladies. Those types of words are only appropriate in the stable. Henceforth, when in our company refer to them as walnuts!"
Much chastened, the boy became sullen, but Miss Taylor cheered him up with a small glass of brandy and continued her explanation.
Holding his member again, she took the walnut sack in her fingers and stretched it so that the walnuts moved beneath the skin. "I am not sure what purpose these serve -- some say that is where the man's seed is produced., but in any case, they are very delicate and must be handled very carefully. You must never hit or strike them unless you need to punish the man. A quick kick here will disable a man" she said winking. "Come, both of you, hold and inspect them."
"I hope they don't explode on me like they did a few moments ago" cried Emma, as she fondled the sack.
Then Isabella clumsily grabbed the sack and the poor boy winced.
"Careful Isabella, you are not milking a cow!" shouted Miss Taylor, "The poor boy is in pain."
Isabella let go, and Miss Taylor gave the boy a little more brandy.
"I think we are ready to proceed with the lesson" said Miss Taylor as she got up and pulled out a French illustration from the desk drawer. "Men usually recover after discharging their seed in fifteen minutes to half an hour depending on their age, vitality, and interest." And with that she showed the picture to the stable boy.
The picture was very well executed in vibrant colors and showed a naked man with four naked women and a donkey. One woman had her chou fleur on the man's nose and a second woman was sucking on his member. The other two women were inverted, each with her tongue in the other's chou fleur. It was not clear what purpose the donkey served.
When the boy looked at the picture, his member again stirred into life. When Miss Taylor deemed him to be ready, she put away the drawing.
"Girls, see how straight it stands. Observe the parts. The shaft stands straight out from the walnut sack. See how the end is covered by a hood."
And here she took hold of the member and pulled back the skin so the head was uncovered -- a bright pink bulb.
"It looks like an apricot" exclaimed Isabella.
"But it is the wrong colour -- its a bright rosy pink" rebuked Emma.
"Try it yourself, girls", Miss Taylor ordered.
And with that both girls started pulling the skin back and forth over the head.
Miss Taylor observed that the boy once again had a pained expression on his face.
"Quick girls, aim it at the aspidistra!"
Emma swiveled his shaft and just in time, as more milky liquid shot out, landing in the leaves of the aspidistra.
"Not bad, but you should have aimed for the soil in the plant
pot, not the leaves."
Isabella's Wedding
In recent years, as the political hostilities between France and England heightened, Mr. Wodehouse became patriotic and began to prefer the services of real English maids, to Miss Taylor`s faux French version, and as the girls grew, she was even less as a governess than a friend, very fond of both daughters, but particularly of Emma.
One day,Isabella told Emma and Miss Taylor of a marriage proposal from Mr. Bollins, the rector of the neighbouring parish. Before Miss Taylor would allow Isabella to announce the engagement, she insisted that she be allowed to evaluate the prospective groom. Isabella being twenty nine years old and of an increasingly heavy disposition was of a mind to accept any proposition from any male who had even a modest income.
A meeting was set up with Mr. Bollins. Isabella would be present and Emma was allowed to watch secreted behind a screen.
"Mr. Bollins, I am very glad to meet you." said Miss Taylor, "I have been Isabella's governess since her early childhood and have brought her up well-mannered and virtuous. Since marriage is such a pivotal change and will determine their future happiness, I feel I must add my advice before Isabella can accept. And so I should like to know more about you. "
"So many men these days are artistic and do not like the company of women. They prefer to be with their male friends and only enter marriage to comply with social conventions or secure an adequate income."