Before
I begin to tarnish John’s good name…
The Speechwriter’s Guide to Preparing a Funny Best Man Speech
By Brian Jenner
Published by Brian Jenner at Smashwords
Copyright 2010 Brian Jenner
‘It's good to see Sean looking so relaxed,’ I began in front of an audience of 250 mainly middle-aged Americans. ‘Apparently, this is the first wedding he's ever been to at which he doesn't feel guilty about having shagged the bride the night before.’
Total silence. I moved swiftly on
From Toby Young’s account of giving a Best Man Speech
About the Author
Brian Jenner was educated at Brasenose College, Oxford. After that he worked as a journalist on the Guardian, Telegraph and Daily Mail.
He has written two humour books, Men and Collections and I’m Just Phoning to Chase My Invoice.
He was a member of Toastmasters International for five years and he has written speeches for top politicians, businessmen and celebrities. He is the founder of the UK Speechwriters' Guild.
If you would like to enquire about his speechwriting services, visit his website, www.thespeechwriter.co.uk.
Table of Contents
Introduction
The Task you Face
The Delivery
A Speech Is a Speech, Not a Powerpoint Presentation
Creative Preparation: How to Get Started
Questions
Use your Subconscious Mind
Symbolism
The Story
What a Speechwriter Does
Rhythm and Rhetoric
Contrasts
Lists of Three
Puzzles
Images
Gags
Anecdotes
Quotations
Verse
Mood
Character
Classic Wedding Tips
Wedding Speech Issues
Dealing with Nerves
The Sex Issue―Why Many Best Man Speeches are Terrible
The Kind of Lines you’d Love to Use but Can’t
If there are Two Best Men
How to be Kind, with a Little Mischief
How Wedding Speeches Go Wrong
Speech Structure
Composition
Opening Lines
Place
Advice
Fillers
Longer Comic Models
Signing Off
The Tricks
The Folder
The Keys
The Envelope Trick
Some Wedding Stories
Finishing Up
Editing
Checklist
Rehearsal
Preparation
The Performance
Sample Speeches
My Best Man Speech for Dad on 11th June 2005
Best Man Speech for a University Friend
For ten years I have written wedding speeches for a living.
It has been fun. I’ve had conversations with men about their fiancées, their wives, their daughters and their friends, giving me an insight into their feelings and their attitudes.
If I was ever in danger of losing confidence in my service, I read copies of the speeches that clients were planning to deliver before I had any input. It’s not at all obvious how to write a good wedding speech.
The best man speech is the most fun to write. The audience wants to be entertained, everyone expects him to take a few pot shots at the groom and there’s scope to be humorous and sincere at the same time.
As the best man it’s your job to be witty and kind. When I work for a client, I get the material for the speech by conducting an interview over the phone. I’m always curious. What makes a good friendship? How does a man change when he meets his wife-to-be? What do a few anecdotes from school or university reveal about a person?
As a speechwriter, you find every speech is different, but each time you write a script, you get closer to perfection. Perfection is a mixture of the personal and the contrived.
The contrived amounts to the best one-liners, set-up lines and fillers that have a predictable impact: the secret formulae that only someone who writes speeches all the time would bother to collect. The personal is the background information you get from the individual you’re writing the speech for.
This book contains the contrived lines I have picked up along the way and some tools to help you come up with your own appropriate material. Using this book it’s up to you to personalise that information, and craft your own speech.
The Task you Face
The best man traditionally gives the last speech, coming after the father of the bride and the groom. It’s the easiest time to make people laugh because they’ve been warmed up by the previous speakers and they’ve had a few drinks to put them in a good mood. You’ve got a key role to play on the day. Your friend has decided to get married to a woman who he loves. He has chosen you to be his best man. For him, it’s the start of a long journey. It’s up to you to give him a good send-off.
You want to give an original speech, without it being totally experimental. I advise all my clients to speak for seven minutes. Seven minutes is the ideal length for a social speech. We work together on their script then it’s up to the groom to rehearse it.
Adopting a sensible performance pace, it takes a minute to read 120 words. That means seven minutes is 840 words. If you’re dedicated you can learn those words by heart and speak without reading from a script.
The task you face is to deliver 840 words. Those 840 words, you will have written out and rehearsed over a dozen times. The prospect of doing a wedding speech, when described like that, is hardly daunting. Most nerves come from a fear of what could go wrong. Reading out 840 pre-prepared, familiar words, is not too difficult.
I divide the speech into blocks: a few lines to introduce the speaker, an opening joke, a line to set up the structure of the speech, some comments on why the bride and groom are so well matched, ending up with an emotional statement and a toast.
A speech is made up of lots of tiny ideas. It’s like a meal in a very expensive restaurant. You don’t just pile on the sausages, potatoes and gravy. You serve up small portions, beautifully presented with sauces and other garnishes. It’s about using subtle flavours, not delivering bulk.
The added advantage of restricting yourself to 840 words is that it provides a creative discipline. It’s like packing your suitcase for the airport; you’ve got to make some tough decisions about what is absolutely necessary to take with you. That focuses the mind and forces you to be succinct and creative.
For me composing a speech is like assembling an Airfix model. After interviewing the client in depth, I collect phrases and sentences which I copy and paste into a document. I then link the phrases together using my own words as the glue.
My clients don’t want me to summarise what they tell me. The former White House speechwriter Robert Orben talks about injecting ‘surprise, relevance and rhythm’ into a speech. Clients want to be supplied with funny or stylish ways of saying things. In speechwriting, we observe the experts and we imitate ideas until they are absorbed into our own personal way of doing things. The groom has to find a way to say what he wants to say in a style he feels comfortable with.
To write this book, I went through all my old speeches looking for the best one-liners, the best anecdotes, and the best way to phrase sentiments that are appropriate to all weddings.
As you read this book, put a small tick against those lines you like. When you’re ready to start writing, you can copy them into your own document to stimulate your imagination, or to use in your script.
Learning to speak in public is like learning to dance or play golf. The people who excel practise regularly. It’s great if you have natural confidence, but all that is really required is a determination to learn from your mistakes. At a wedding, the guests are not expecting a stand-up comedian. As long as they can hear you, and you make sense, they will be pleased. They’re rooting for you to do well.
Ten minutes after you sit down, they will have forgotten 80% of what you said. So keep calm and do your best. Even if you feel like jelly, the audience will not be able to see your inner wobbliness. It’s actually quite difficult to spot the signs of nervousness; most people don’t pay particularly close attention.
If you want to get some regular public speaking practice before the day, you can join a public speaking club like those of Toastmasters International or the Association of Speakers Clubs―you can find them all over the world. You may discover that public speaking is a pastime you want to pursue. Then stick at it. It’s a very useful skill to have because if you can make a good wedding speech, you can do a good after dinner speech. If you can do a good after dinner speech, you can make a good memorial speech. If you can do a good memorial speech, you can do a keynote presentation at a conference. You will be much appreciated by clubs and societies, friends, family and your work colleagues.
A Speech Is a Speech, Not a Powerpoint Presentation
Giving a speech is an old-fashioned ritual. It seems clever to show videos, photographs or something else like that, but in the era of Facebook, most people will have seen these photos. To use audiovisual equipment is to add to the number of things to go wrong and it disturbs the natural flow of the wedding. In the era of email and text message, it’s not appropriate to read out telegrams either. Maybe a day will come when guests not present send video messages like winners on Sports Personality of the Year, but I hope not.
Do stand up to deliver your speech―this may seem like an obvious point but I have seen many ‘seated’ speakers who could neither be seen nor heard.
Standing up also enables you to project your voice and make better use of body-language.
Creative Preparation: How to Get Started
Questions
For many best men, the hardest part is getting started. Whenever someone books me to write a speech for them, I make an appointment with him to do an interview.
Then I ask him the questions below, and I talk to him for about half-an-hour jotting down the answers. I allow the speaker to digress, and I follow up anything unusual he mentions.
You can ask yourself the same questions and jot down your own answers. Write out the answers to these questions, because as you write, more details and ideas will come to you. For reasons I will explain later, I’m always looking out for good stories, snapshot memories of the groom, unusual aspects of his character and anecdotes about how he has changed since he has met the bride.
Questions for the Best Man
What is the groom’s full name?
What is the bride’s full name?
What date is the wedding?
Where is it taking place?
How did you make friends with the groom?
Why do you think he picked you to be the best man?
How long have they been a couple?
Where did they meet?
Did they get together almost immediately?
Why are they so well-matched?
Are the families religious?
Is it a church wedding?
Will the vicar be at the reception?
Are you married?
What advice would you give him?
Is he losing his hair/ putting on weight/ becoming more middle-aged?
Does he play sport?
Is he good with money?
Does he gamble?
Is he a good cook?
Does he like cars?
Is he into clothes?
Is he romantic?
What’s his favourite film?
What’s his job?
What’s her job?
Where will they live?
Do you get on with her?
Did he ever do anything very rebellious?
Did he pass his driving test first time?
Is there a stag night?
Who are the bridesmaids?
Use your Subconscious Mind
To write a brilliant best man speech, you need to have loads of ideas and then you need to pick the best of them. When you’ve written down the answers to all these questions in a document, save the document and forget about it for a few days. Your mind will be working on the material subconsciously. When you open the document again, you’ll be able to spot the waffle and you’ll be left with the better bits. Good writing is not about how many brilliant stories you can come up with, it’s about how ruthless you can be in eliminating your not-so-good stuff. Do this over a few weeks and you’ll start producing something of real quality.
Symbolism
Warren Buffet says there are two things in life you need to avoid: an early death and a bad marriage. So this is an incredibly important day in your friend’s life. You may think the groom isn’t making an ideal choice. But your job is to assume that he is. Ponder the symbolism of the occasion. You’re a friend of the groom, and this day marks a dramatic change in his life. Your official duty is to thank the couple on behalf of the bridesmaids.
A married couple live for each other, and their children. A groom is giving up his old life and starting a new one. He will no longer be a friend who is always available. He will have the responsibilities of a married man. You may be able to find some words to express what this means for you, or for him. State in simple terms the significance of the day.
The Story
The best man’s speech requires you to tell the story of how the groom met his bride, how his life has changed since meeting her, why they are so well suited to each other, and why you are so privileged to be their best man. So you speech has a plot ―how George was before he met his wife to be, how he changed after he met her, and why it’s so wonderful that they’re together today.
Here are three examples of how I’ve written the story in a few lines.
Clare has been a wonderful influence on Rob.
Yes, he still loves cheesy music, especially Will Young.
Yes, he’s still accident prone.
Yes, underneath it all he’s still a dribbling lunatic.
But now he’s got Clare to keep him in check.
_____________________
Since meeting Serra, Riad has undergone a complete transformation.
He dresses smartly and he shows up on time.
His dish of choice is no longer burger and chips.
Instead he tucks into an extra large salad with no dressing.
_____________________
On their second date Tom turned up in shorts with deck shoes and socks pulled up very high. Claire says she remembered thinking, if he still looks good wearing those, he must be good.
_____________________
Some people think it’s vaguely shameful to use a speechwriter―a sign of inadequacy. This is absurd. Lots of people do their own tiling, but if you’re a tiler, you can finish the job in half the time. You know how to break a tile, you know how to use the right grouting and you know how to attach a tile to different surfaces. Because you’re familiar with all the problems, you’ve got all the tools and the experience. Why does anyone tile their own kitchen?
The advantage of being an amateur speechwriter is that you can buy books of humorous lines which you can put into your speech. By all means write your own jokes, but writing jokes is like tiling a bathroom. It’s a tricky business, and getting it wrong can damage your reputation.
The plot of the best man speech is always the same. George meets Alice and they fall in love and decide to get married, thus saving him from squalid bachelordom. But in any drama, you need to describe the characters.
George is a character. Let’s say he’s a lawyer, a gambler and a lover of football. As a speechwriter, it’s hard to make up jokes especially for George. But I can collect funny things about lawyers, gamblers and footballers.
When I write a speech, I dig out those phrases and I adapt them, so they can apply to George. It’s actually extremely difficult to find these lines. They’re usually lines that are structured. They have a rhythm to them and they tend to be very simple. When I watch a film or a TV programme, or hear a good line on the radio, I always rush to write it down. They’re like gold dust, because if they’re funny, they will fill two lines of a speech. These lines can be reused for dozens of clients. Finding two lines that are both funny and appropriate for all occasions is a great way to reduce the workload. I have 20 of the 840 words I need to earn my fee! Later in this book I’ve listed nearly all the best ones I have created or collected during the past ten years.
I once had a client who complained that the speech I had written for him had too many short words in it. He presumably thought that he deserved a few long words if he was paying so much money. Actually, it’s almost impossible to be too simple in a best man speech. The only time guests will be disappointed is if they have a very brief speech. ‘I am a man of few words,’ said Michael Jackson in his best man's speech at the wedding of Liza Minnelli, ‘but please raise your glasses to the bride and groom.’ How pathetic!
Rhythm and Rhetoric
One of the things you learn as a speechwriter is that what is written to be said, takes a different format to what is written to be read.
In a speech, we’re looking for rhythms. It’s not just the idea: it’s the way it’s expressed. The way the sentences contrast with each other, or hang together. The art of giving a good best man speech is to say a few things about the groom’s character that are true and entertaining. You don’t want to say much that is true but not entertaining. It’s better on balance to say things that have the ring of truth, but are also very entertaining. It’s fair to exaggerate for comic effect.
When we are taught to write in school, we adopt a formal style. We avoid using a conversational tone. However, that means that when we write speeches, we are always tempted to fall back into that style, when in fact, in a speech, we need to introduce an informal style. A speechwriter puts the words into a format that makes it easy to understand and entertaining for the audience.
You need to avoid long convoluted sentences, with sub clauses. Ideally every ‘thought’ or sentence should be less than 20 words. That makes the script much easier to read out.
When we speak in conversation, we unconsciously use ‘figures of speech.’ The techniques we use are very simple, but you need to be able to identify them. When you write poetry, you have to put the words into forms. There are sonnets, odes and ballads with set numbers of syllables and rhyming patterns.
Writing a speech involves using similar forms, but they’re much easier to master. You need to translate what you want to say into a figure of speech. The bulk of this book is made up of examples that fit into these categories, because they are the forms that the best speeches are written in.
The easiest figures of speech to master are:
Contrasts
Using contrasts, you give ideas clarity, sometimes with humorous effect.
What women want? To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held.
What men want: tickets to the boxing in Las Vegas.
_____________________
As we all know: Men love women because women are the loveliest things on God’s earth. Women love men because chocolate can’t mow the lawn.
_____________________
A famous poet once said, marriage should be a duet―when one sings, the other claps.
_____________________
Mimi is a very warm-hearted and generous character.
She’s the yin to Jonathan’s yang.
She’s loves organising parties, while Jon loves going to parties.
She’s very determined, while Jon can change from day to day.
She can be a little flighty, while Jon always has a clear sense of the bottom line.
_____________________
Their relationship is built on contrasts.
Alan can be a bit wild, while Susan is very sensible.
Alan is a good listener, and Susan is a good talker.
Alan likes to think he’s the boss, while Susan is the one who makes the decisions.
_____________________
Lists of Three
In conversation and when we tell stories, we seem to like to package up information in threes. It’s a very common technique in speeches too:
Alan has some other qualities that will serve him well in the future.
He’s a great cook.