A Practical
Study for Groups, Couples and
Individuals Designed to Transform
Marriages
DREAM CONNECT BUILD
Marcel Sanchez
Copyright Information
Marriage Catalyst Smashwords Edition, Published by Marcel Sanchez
License Notes
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Unless otherwise indicated, Bible quotations are taken from The New King James Version of the Bible. Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, Copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189.
All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations taken from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version Copyright 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers.
Scripture quotations taken from the Holy Bible, New American Standard Bible (NASB). Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation
Marriage Catalyst Copyright 2011 by Marcel Sanchez, All Rights Reserved.
No part of this workbook may be reproduced in any form without written permission of Marcel Sanchez except in the case of brief quotations within critical articles and reviews.
Cover designed by Brenda Ulloa
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 - Dream: Remembering the Dream for Your Marriage
Chapter 2 - Dream: Establishing a Strong Foundation
Chapter 3 - Connect: Connecting to the Right Source
Chapter 4 - Connect: Love and Respect
Chapter 5 - Connect: Lost in Translation
Chapter 6 - Connect: Making Decisions Together
Chapter 7 - Connect: Reigniting Your Sex Life
Chapter 8 - Build: Getting Your House in Order
Chapter 9 - Build: Embracing Forgiveness through Grace, Mercy, Commitment and Faith
Chapter 10 - Build: Keys to a Growing Marriage
Chapter 11 - Build: Keys to a Growing Marriage… Continued
Chapter 12 - Build: Keys to a Growing Marriage… Continued
How do you define a Catalyst?
A catalyst is best defined as an agent for change. There are certain things in life that won’t work without the presence of a catalyst. In the world of biochemistry, a catalyst starts, manages, and accelerates change. The catalyst itself is not changed in the process. It remains constant. A catalyst can make things function more effectively by changing structure or bonding things together. A catalyst will do this to produce the best possible product or realize maximum energy.
A Growing Relationship with God is the Catalyst for Building a Great Marriage.
Preface
The moment had finally arrived after months of preparation. The guests all made it early to a ceremony where every detail was synchronized with complete beauty and grace. The pastor finished his message after the bride and groom exchanged their vows. They looked deep into each other’s eyes and displayed a radiant smile. The crowd was ready to stand to their feet in anticipation of the wedding celebration. It was the moment everyone was waiting for—the public announcement of husband and wife.
The pastor raises his voice and declares, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.” He looks at the groom and says, “You may now kiss your wife!” Most of us remember that very special moment as if it were only yesterday. Unfortunately, for some of us our wedding has become the only highlight of our marriage. From that day forward everything changed, but not necessarily for the better. We're not really sure how it happened. We're not really sure why it happened. But, one thing is certain, we need to do something about it before it's too late.
Growing Your Marriage Impacts Your Life!
Studies prove that a growing marriage dramatically improves health, creativity, performance at work, relational skills, your children's level of confidence, and personal net worth. Do you want your love for your spouse to grow deeper? Do you dream of building your marriage in the right direction? Do you wonder if your love for one another could ever be restored? If you want your love for your spouse to grow, make every effort to be intentional about growing your marriage the way God designed it to grow. Building a great marriage requires hard work.
A Growing Relationship with God is the Catalyst for Building a Great Marriage.
What will Marriage Catalyst do for my marriage?
Marriage Catalyst is designed to transform marriages by helping couples learn and apply the Biblical principles that will grow their marriage. This study will encourage those who are planning to get married by providing a practical plan to build a growing marriage. It will energize those who need a relational tune-up and provide strength for those who are facing significant challenges within their marriage. It will provide the practical tools to realize your dreams as a couple and as a family.
This study is designed to help you connect with your spouse at a deeper level while building a lasting marriage filled with purpose, laughter and hope. Our three-fold theme: Dream, Connect and Build will help your marriage arrive at its proper destination.
DREAM:
Discover what your marriage can be!
•
Cast a BIG Vision for Your Marriage
•
Establish a Strong Foundation
•
Understand the Purpose for Your Marriage
• Appreciate
Your Unique Shape as a Couple
CONNECT:
Learn Principles for Effective Communication
•
Understand What Your Mate Really Means
• Master
the “Rules of Engagement”
•
Create the Right Atmosphere for Love
•
Learn the Keys to Incredible Sex
BUILD:
Grow Your Marriage on Purpose
•
Learn to Make “Us Decisions”
•
Position Your Marriage for Generosity
•
Find Real Satisfaction
•
Persevere through Life’s Difficulties
Why is it important?
Growing your marriage should be only second to growing your relationship with God. It should on the list of top priorities for your life. Your marriage is your business. If your marriage is suffering, rest assured, every part of your life will suffer as well. Now is the time to invest in your marriage. Now more than ever you need to focus on growing your marriage and establishing a vision for what could be and should be. When you grow your marriage, the capacity to influence family, friends, business relationships, co-workers and even complete strangers, multiplies.
Ready or not your marriage will face hard times. Life’s challenges often arrive without warning. You can’t track them on radar and know the precise time of their arrival. But you can prepare by building a strong foundation to keep your marriage standing when unexpected struggles arrive.
Is your marriage ready for the storms of life? If not, the time to get ready is now! You can't have a healthy marriage without making significant investments of time, energy and resources. If you want to make a difference within your marriage and leave a strong legacy for future generations, grow your marriage. If there's no growth, there's no hope. Marriage is your business so make the investments that will keep it growing.
What makes Marriage Catalyst different?
Marriage Catalyst synchronizes Biblical truths with practical applications to help your marriage grow. It provides several real-life stories of couples who have walked down dangerous relational caves while helping illustrate the principles required to get out of what appears to be a hopeless situation. Although designed primarily for married couples, this study can be used by couples and individuals from all walks of life to help develop action-steps throughout their relational journey. Marriage Catalyst can be used in a group setting with discussion questions at the end of each chapter, or in a private setting where couples can be alone and engaged in conversation.
How will I benefit?
We truly believe this study will help you laugh a little more, increase your knowledge of God’s Word and provide a strong foundation for your marriage to thrive. It will help you make the right changes within your marriage for growth and lasting satisfaction. You and your spouse will walk away with practical action steps to build a thriving marriage and take your relationship to the next level. Our goal is to help you position your marriage for growth by establishing the right foundation for abundant satisfaction and real success. Get ready to Dream, Connect and Build your marriage.
Marcel
Sanchez
Founder
Marriage
Catalyst – Matrimonio por Diseño
http://www.MarriageCatalyst.com
Dream – Connect - Build
Chapter 1
Dream: Remembering the Dream for Your Marriage
Reigniting the Passion for Your Spouse
Key Scripture
Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8)
BIG Idea: Reigniting your marriage requires a clear vision for the future
Couples who dream together stay together. Following a clear vision and reigniting the passion for your spouse work hand in hand. Growing your marriage when plans to separate are in motion is highly unlikely. Great marriages aren’t built that way at all. Those who have a clear picture of their preferred destination can avoid many mistakes and simplify their purpose as a couple.
A great marriage requires great effort. The dream must be evaluated and shaped over time to sharpen the focus of the marriage. It’s not going to happen automatically. In this session we will learn the value of not only establishing a clear vision, but also the value of staying together and working as a team. Let’s face it, many marriages aren’t working as a team in any sense of the word. The dream for their marriage has been replaced with another reality and the passion they once embraced for one another is nowhere to be found.
Broken Dreams
The contentions of a wife are a continual dripping. (Proverbs 19:13)
Melanie and James have a very familiar story. They started the way many couples do here in the United States. They fell in love and after a series of circumstances, James decided to move in with Melanie before marriage. It was extremely convenient for James plus Melanie’s parents did not seem to mind at all. James and Melanie cared deeply for each other, but there was always something missing from their relationship. Although they sought satisfaction within their relationship, their effort always fell considerably short.
They fought often and exchanged heated conversations on a regular basis. They were young, highly opinionated, and strongly attracted to one another. The physical and emotional passion was present, but the commitment was missing. They lived their life on two opposite sides of the track. After several months of cohabitating James and Melanie decided to get married. Although not verbalized, they felt that getting married would help them work through their issues. They believed that getting married would help them find the satisfaction they were looking for, but it did not. After their son Jeremy was born, the fighting settled down for a little while, but the dissatisfaction was still present.
As the months passed, the intensity of their heated conversations took a sharp turn for the worse. Melanie and James made significant financial mistakes and blamed one another for their lack of available resources. Melanie began destroying James with her words and letting him know how she felt about his attitude, actions and lack of responsibility. James put up a good fight and decided to deal with his problems by running away from them. He dealt with his resentment by drinking with his friends and having sexual relations with other women. When news got back to Melanie, things got progressively worse.
James asked for forgiveness and Melanie decided to wipe the slate clean. But, after a short period of time it happened again. The fights continued and James returned to his old way of managing his stress. Melanie eventually divorced James within a few months of the second incident. James refused to accept full responsibility for his actions and Melanie refused to work through the pain a second time. It was painful to watch and it was even more painful to accept.
The divorce devastated James and Melanie. It hurt them deeply. The divorce was also very painful for their son as well. He was just a baby. He would now have to grow up in a divided home. His development would not be complete. James and Melanie started their relationship in the wrong way. They built their marriage on the wrong foundation. As a result, their marriage fell apart and left many wounded in the process.
Introduction
It happens every day with those whom we know and love. Whether we experience it directly or watch someone else go through it, the pain is very real. It saddens us in a profound way. Sometimes we know it’s only a matter of time. The warning signs get bigger and the fights get louder. We see the handwriting on the wall and it troubles us deep within our soul. We know it shouldn’t be that way. We know they started well, but what happened? You ask, “What happened to the dream of growing old together? What happened to the dream of being loved until death separated you? What happened to promises made before family, friends and coworkers? The dream that was once strong and permanent is now weak and abandoned.
Two words come to mind: broken dreams. Maybe for you it’s even more personal. Quite possibly the excruciating pain and sorrow we’re talking about is all too familiar. You’re the one asking, “What happened to us? I’m not happy with this relationship… I’m not satisfied. What happened to the dream we once shared? What happened to the conversation and the laughter we enjoyed so much as a couple? We may be better off materially, but relationally speaking we’re in bad shape. What can we do to reignite the flame? How do we hit the ‘reset’ button and revitalize our love for one another?”
Some of you are not married yet. You’re not easily convinced that marriage is the right path, but you’re willing to investigate it carefully. You’ve seen so many bad marriages around you. You think to yourself, “If I do get married, I’ve got to do my homework. I want to get it right the first time. I don’t want to make the same mistakes as my friends. What can I do to start well and finish well if I decide to get married? What should I do in preparation to fulfill my responsibilities to my future spouse?”
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.(Proverbs 18:22, NIV)
Maybe you’re living with your significant other and don’t see a need to make any changes right now. You’re comfortable and things are going fairly well. You might think, “What’s the big deal? We love each other . . . we’ve been together so long. We tell everyone we’re just like a married couple. We don’t really need to get married?” Two words come to mind: broken dreams.
The purpose of this study is to help you build the right foundation for a growing marriage by living out the principles found within the Bible. This involves understanding the source of true satisfaction for your life and integrating and embracing this reality with your spouse. Marriage Catalyst is designed to help you understand your unique shape as a couple and how to leverage your gifts, talents and life-experiences to grow your marriage and help other marriages grow in the process.
Before we get into the heart of our purpose, let’s review some alarming trends and troubling statistics. A recent study by The State of Our Unions Report found that marriage is in trouble here in the United States. The title for their late 2010 release is, “When Marriage Disappears—The New Middle America.” What they uncovered was a growing trend within a significant population group within our country, representing 58 percent of the adult population that cuts right to the core of the American dream. Middle America, those defined as completing high school, but not completing a four-year college degree, have rising rates of non-marital childbearing and divorce along with a declining rate of happiness within their marriage. When Marriage Disappears argues that shifts in marital morals, increases in unemployment, and declines in religious attendance are among the trends driving the retreat from marriage in Middle America.[1]
Marriage is increasingly becoming less of a priority for those in Middle America
When those who have a strong family heritage no longer embrace the value of a growing marriage we’re in big trouble as a nation. When those who make up the majority of working families decide to stop making their families work, other important factors within our society will steadily dissolve and stop working as well. If the children of these broken homes don’t have an opportunity to experience a healthy family, who will serve as an example for them to follow? Give your children a chance to excel and make a difference in their lifetime. Don’t let them become another statistic.
How will these changes impact churches, communities and the workplace? One thing is certain. The impact will not be beneficial for any. The likely result, as supported by this research, is that churches will experience more families leaving their congregations. Some of these families will leave the church without prior warning. Family counseling needs will increase and the number of children living within a single-parent setting will rise as well. Churches will need to develop ministries to reach children of these broken homes and help them work through these difficult realities. Some of these kids will drop out of school, join a gang, experiment with drugs and alcohol, or become pregnant. These realities negatively affect the social landscape our communities and the environment where we work each day.
Every marriage has equal opportunity to create an environment for their relationship to flourish.
The State of the Unions study found that more affluent marriages were staying together rather than heading to divorce court. A growing marriage however is not reserved for the highly educated or the rich. God has provided the recipe for a successful marriage. His plan applies to couples of all ages, education, socio-economic factors and people groups. As we will learn in the chapters ahead, every marriage has equal opportunity to create an environment for their relationship to flourish. Your marriage has implications far beyond you and your spouse. What you decide to do or not do with your marriage leaves a permanent mark on subsequent generations. Marriage is a BIG deal. Let’s change gears for a few minutes and explore the reality of divorce within our country.
Divorce Statistics in America for Marriage
Marriage and Divorce statistics (in percent)
First Marriage
= 45% to 50% marriages end in divorce
Second Marriage = 60% to 67%
marriages end in divorce
Third Marriage = 70% to 73% marriages end
in divorce
* Source: Forest Institute of Professional Psychology (http://www.forest.edu)
The idea of “you get better as you go” obviously does not apply to divorce and remarriage. The more you marry, the greater your odds are of becoming unmarried. We can all think of very famous people who are presently working on their third, fourth, or even fifth marriage. We expect celebrities to have at least two or three marriages as they move through their public career. From a purely pragmatic point of view it’s much better to get married once and stay married rather than trying to make it right the next time around.
Before you get married it’s wise to study what it’s all about. It’s important to understand what you need to do to prepare and remain faithful in this life-changing commitment. It’s important to build on the right foundation and invest in your marriage. It’s important to have a long-term perspective as life’s challenges come knocking on your door. If you’re already married it’s time to assess what foundation has been laid and what adjustments are needed to align your marriage correctly. You need to develop a strong plan to position your marriage for growth. Couples abandon their marriage at various ages, but pay particular attention to those who get married younger in life. Their lack of commitment and maturity is worth noting. Take for example, the Age at Marriage for Those Who Divorce in America:
Age at Marriage for Those who Divorce in America
Under 20:
Women =
27.6% / Men = 11.7%
20
to 24: Women
= 36.6% / Men = 38.8%
25
to 29: Women
= 16.4% / Men = 22.3%
30
to 34: Women
= 8.5% / Men = 11.6%
35
to 39: Women
= 5.1% / Men = 6.5%
Source: Forest Institute of Professional Psychology (http://www.forest.edu)
Shown in this research, many young adults choose to get married at a young age. Unfortunately many of these same individuals choose to get divorced at a young age. Maybe they thought Hollywood’s version of marriage would become their own. They had big hopes and dreams for their relationship. Maybe they believed their honeymoon would last forever. Maybe they believed their spouse would eventually change those “little things’ that served as a significant source of irritation. Or maybe these couples believed they were immune to temptation, financial hardship, or health-related problems.
The divorce rate in our country has followed an unexpected wave. During a time when divorce was expected to reach a new altitude it actually fell and remained relatively stable.
* Source: The National Marriage Project, University of Virginia
The economic tailspin that started in late 2005 had a significant impact on the divorce rate in America. At first glance the divorce rate appeared to soar without end until the financial storm arrived. Since money was not a major concern for those reaping years of steady financial gain, moving out and living on one income was not beyond their reach. The decision to leave their spouse was made easier as a result of their personal wealth and ability to maintain a household on their own. Things changed quickly when couples were faced with unexpected financial realities. Walking out and living on your own was no longer a sustainable option for many to consider. Divorce rates fell from 17.5 per 1,000 married women in 2007 to 16.9 per 1,000 women in 2008 (after rising from 16.4 per 1,000 married women in 2005).
This divorce decline suggests that most married couples have not responded to the economic crisis of the moment by heading for divorce court; instead, judging by divorce trends, many couples appear to be developing a new appreciation for the economic and social support that marriage can provide in tough times. Thus, one piece of good news emerging from the last two years is that marital stability is up.[2]
Divorce directly impacts the health of our economy. I’ve never heard of a couple tearing up their divorce papers after considering the potential harm their divorce will bring to our economy. But, make no mistake about it, divorce chips away at the short-term and long-term health of our economy. One study found that one single divorce can cost taxpayers up to $30,000.[3] Increases in crime, welfare, prescription drugs, domestic violence, food stamps, court costs and other impacted areas carry a significant economic punch to our nation. Consider this in light of the number of divorces in a given year. The negative effect that divorce places on our economy is enormous. If we had a way to measure the multi-generational impact of divorce on families and our economy I believe the numbers would skyrocket much higher.
The negative effect that divorce places on our economy is enormous.
On November 10, 2010, the U.S. Census Bureau reported that men and women are waiting longer to get married. Some, as we’ve mentioned, are cohabitating whereas others are simply waiting longer to get involved in a serious relationship or make a long-term commitment. As a result changes in household composition have taken place, reducing the average household size from 2.62 in 2000 to 2.59 in 2010. The percentage of population that is married is now only 54.1 percent, down from 57.3 percent in 2000, 62 percent in 1990 and 72 percent in 1970. There’s a growing amount of controversial evidence that illustrates the net effect of cohabitation for couples who eventually get married. That effect is failed marriages.
Those who live together before marriage have a greater chance of experiencing relational problems and separation. In other words, cohabitation increases your chances of divorce.[4] Over the last 50 years the amount of couples who have decided to cohabitate has soared. Today, six out of ten marriages are preceded by cohabitation.[5] Fifty years ago this trend was almost nonexistent. Among those who find themselves in lower educational and income levels the number is even higher. Those who have no religious affiliation tend to cohabitate at numbers greater than 60 percent.
Six out of ten marriages are preceded by cohabitation.
The shift has made its way out of Hollywood and into the lives of those whom we know personally. Does this number trouble your heart? Have you thought about how you will respond to your children when they ask, “Why are they living together like a married couple before getting married?” If not, prepare yourself. The question will eventually arrive without any warning. This “safety net” has been developed in part to give couples an opportunity to “test” their partner before moving forward in marriage.
Miscellaneous Statistics
• Percentage
of population that is married: 54.1%
•
Percentage of
population never married: 24%
•
Percentage of
population that is divorced: 10%
•
Percentage of married
people who reach their 5th, 10th, and 15th anniversaries: 5th: 83%;
10th: 65%; 15th: 55%
•
Percentage of married
people who reach their 25th, 35th, and 50th anniversaries: 25th: 35%;
35th: 20%; 50th: 6%
• Number
of unmarried couples living together: 5.5 million
• Fatherless
homes account for:
63% of youth suicides
90% of
homeless/runaway children
85% of children with behavior
problems
71% of high school dropouts
85% of youths in
prison
50% of teen mothers
* Sources: U.S. Census Bureau, National Center for Health Statistics, Americans for Divorce Reform, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Institute for Equality in Marriage, American Association for Single People, Ameristat, Public Agenda.
The Center for Human Resource Research (CHRR) revealed that divorce drops a person’s wealth by a staggering 77 percent. This nationwide study provides some of the best evidence to date of the devastating financial toll divorce can have on a person's wealth. The study of about 9,000 people found that divorce reduces a person's wealth by about three-quarters (77 percent) compared to that of a single person, while being married almost doubles comparative wealth (93 percent).[6] These numbers are significant because they represent such a large portion of our population. We’re not alone in this problem. This drastic change in wealth can be found in other countries as well.
Marriage is the greatest platform to do life and celebrate life together
Marriage and happiness are connected
Are you surprised by such a bold statement? Research scientists repeatedly point to this encouraging reality. Sharing life together with someone you’re committed to unto death has an abundance of benefits. Your physical, emotional, social, psychological, and spiritual health all benefit from a growing marriage. Not only can you share the burdens of life together, but you can also celebrate the good times unlike any other relationship known to mankind.
Married people are happier than unmarried ones of the same age, not only in the United States, but in at least seventeen other countries where similar inquiries have been made. And there seems to be good reasons for that happiness. People who are married not only have higher incomes and enjoy greater emotional support, they tend to be healthier. Married people live longer than unmarried ones, not only in the United States but abroad.[7]
Living together and forgetting about marriage is not the solution for finding relational happiness. A lack of serious commitment does not produce what God originally planned for marriage. A 2002 study of 12,571 men and women aged 15–44 living in households in the United States was performed based on the National Survey of Family Growth. The results were very interesting. Couples were increasingly choosing to cohabitate prior to marriage. This should not surprise us at all with the recent trends on our culture.
More than 40 percent were married during the interview compared to approximately 9 percent who were cohabitating. Of those who were married, 78 percent lasted five years or more. Those who were cohabitating experienced significantly less success. Less than 30 percent of those who were cohabitating lasted five years or more.[8] The study found that some of these cohabitations eventually transitioned to marriage while others fell apart. Cohabitation is not the answer for avoiding marriage. Building a thriving relationship starts with an unyielding commitment to stay together forever.
Marriage contributes to the best sex [9]
In other words, marriage provides the highest levels of physical satisfaction and sexual pleasure for both men and women. This reality has been a part of God’s plan all along. He is the One who designed sex. He fully understands what it takes for your marriage to prosper sexually. The best sex is not reserved for those who have multiple private affairs or for those who cohabitate prior to marriage.
Your greatest sexual experience was designed to be fulfilled by your spouse.
The peak of your sexual intimacy was designed to be awakened within the holy environment of your marriage. Sexual peak performance flows from holy relational living. Your spiritual life deeply impacts how you respond sexually. Stop making comparisons with what Hollywood claims to be the recipe for great sex. They don’t have a clue. The best environment for extraordinary sexual intimacy is within a marriage relationship between husband and wife. Don’t look outside this protected circle of intimacy for something or someone else. Give yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord and without reservation to your spouse.
Marriage helps people feel included [10]
In other words, it significantly reduces feelings of loneliness. There are countless songs regarding loneliness and abandonment. Marriage significantly bridges the loneliness gap. Marriage includes rather than excludes. As my good friend Bud McCord always says, “Love is being included.” This is why we must abandon independent decision-making when we decide to get married. Marriage is all about including your spouse in the decision-making process. Marriage is about embracing what they have to offer your relationship. Including your spouse in the important decisions of life is foundational to a growing marriage.
Marriage protects women from multiple forms of violence [11]
A woman is less likely to be alone and susceptible to violence within a marriage relationship. Husbands serve as a strong shield of protection for their spouse. They are the ones who stand in the gap and defend their spouse from incoming danger. Husbands serve as the public presence for all threats, accusations and relational problems. If violence penetrates the relationship, the husband is the one absorbs the pain. He is the one who takes the lead to resolve issues that intimidate his spouse. We’ll take a closer look at the importance of this point in a future chapter.
Marriage provides the best environment to raise a strong family.
Marriages give children the best opportunity to live a stable life [12]
Having mom and dad at home serves as a pillar to handle life’s challenges and build a strong future. Children are happier when mom and dad stay together. They can adapt better to stress and remain optimistic about the future when compared to children from unstable homes. Marriage gives children an opportunity to have a positive life outcome. Those children who find themselves in single-parent families are more likely to experience abuse, depression, school failure, and delinquency—at two or three times the rate of children in married, two-parent families.[13] Marriage works best and children thrive the most when couples stay together and allow God to lead their relationship.
The team approach to raising children is a marvelous idea. God knew we would need a life-long partner to help us raise our children. When one of your children brings you to the end of your rope your spouse has an opportunity to step in and continue executing your strategy for parenting. By observing the synergy and unity displayed by your marriage, your children will understand their place and learn principles of respect, communication, mutual submission, honor, and serving to name just a few.
Have you ever wondered how teenagers view the importance of a stable marriage? In 2009 the percentage of high school seniors who said having a good marriage and family life is “extremely important,” was very high. The study consisted of 6,000 boys and 6,000 girls. The results were encouraging. The study found that 72.2 percent of high school boys and 80.5 percent of high school girls held marriage in high esteem.[14] Many of these have experienced the heartbreak of divorce within their own family, but they still manage to see the importance of having a good marriage and family life. Unfortunately, a group of those surveyed are open to living together before marriage or as an alternative to marriage.
A growing marriage has a powerful impact on your children.
Marriage leads to a more consistent and productive worker [15]
How would companies change if increasing productivity was the norm for their workplace? What would happen to their profits? Imagine if there were no more “sick calls” to worry about on the Friday before the long weekend? Let’s face it . . . marriage helps develop consistency in people. It builds a life-rhythm into those who were previously irregular in their behavior. Your marriage can improve your reliability as an employee, manager or business owner. There’s something about marriage that settles you down and gives you a new perspective on life. It’s not that you no longer take risks. You still take risks… calculated risks.
Research has found that marriage significantly raises your net worth.[16] This increased workplace consistency and productivity carries over into your wallet as a married person. Those who are married, as a rule of thumb, find themselves in a better financial position than those who don’t or those who decide to terminate their marriage. When you marry you are no longer thinking of only your own financial needs. There is now a spouse to consider in this equation. Your decisions are therefore broader in scope and wiser in execution.
Research conducted at the University of Colorado indicates why marriage is so beneficial to adults. Generally, compared with those who are single, married individuals eat better, take better care of themselves, and live a more stable, secure, and scheduled lifestyle.[17] Marriage really is a win-win proposition. Although challenging, marriage is filled with more benefits than most people realize. Of course these benefits are directly connected to their willingness to submit to God’s purposes for marriage.
Marriage can leverage the financial strength of each partner to save more for the future and plan for unexpected events such as unemployment and health related issues.[18] Creating and implementing a strong financial plan in areas of investments, insurance, and retirement is more likely when couples choose to get married and stay married. Married couples stand a much greater chance of reaching their financial goals and extending their generosity to others. They tend to provide greater financial support and generosity to those who find themselves in financial turmoil. Marriages can serve as extended families to those who find themselves on their own and unable to gain a consistent hold on the road of life.
Marriage the way God intended has a clear life-advantage.
Married men and women contribute to society more than their unmarried peers
We see this reality displayed in advanced cultures and even in those who are considered underdeveloped. Husbands and wives are not as likely to be a burden to the government, the health care system or drain on a company's health insurance benefits because of their better health and increased ability to recover from illness quicker and more successfully. They are less likely to miss work because of illness. They are not likely to jump from job to job. They are less likely to suffer from alcoholism and other substance abuse and less likely to engage in other risk behaviors.[19]
Looking for love
In 2010 the online dating industry generated $4 billion in annual revenue. The online dating industry is expected to grow at a rate of 10 percent.
North America
• According to Hitwise, there are about 1,400 online dating sites in North America.
• Overall the online dating industry is up this year, but the related wedding industry (which is worth $60 billion) is down 24 percent.
• Roughly 40 million American singles use online dating and social networking sites to meet new people.
• Singles who are more likely to use dating sites are ones who are more sociable and have high self-esteem. They also put more value in romantic relationships.
• 49 percent of Americans know of someone who has found a date online.
• 28 percent of Americans know more than one person who found a date online.
• According to Nielsen, online dating sites generated 27.5 million unique visitors in June, 2009.
Europe
• In the UK there are 8 million singles. In 2008 they went on 24 million first dates with 69 percent being arranged through online dating and social networks.
• Estimated by 2011 there will be 15 million singles in the United Kingdom and the value of the dating industry at that point will be over £1billion.
• There are 15 million singles in Britain. A third are looking for love online.
• In the UK, 20 percent of people married between the ages of 19 and 25 met their spouse online. For all ages, the average is 15 percent.
• Every month 7 million UK singles visit a dating site. This is a 27 percent increase over last year.
• In the UK, singles aged 55 and older are the most active online daters.
• 62 percent have used a dating site and have gone out on average 8.2 dates and had 2.1 long term relationships.
Asia
• Japan - Over 1,600 dating sites registered in the first month of the new regulations law.
• India - There is estimated 15 million online dating users in India.
Australia
• Singles 50 plus have been increasingly using online dating sites over the last few years.
• Some dating sites are seeing a 30 percent increase in these members each year.
Source: http://www.DatingSiteReviews.com
Although marriages are steadily decreasing the pursuit of love is rapidly increasing.
Remembering the Dream
There’s just something about it that grabs our heart. We love to see it in movies and even more so, with those whom we love and care about very much. They’ve been waiting for mister or misses right. Many of their friends have already found their soul mate, but for some reason they have not. They don’t complain about it and they don’t compare themselves to those who have found their true love. They do however wonder, “When is it my turn? When will I find that one person who I can spend the rest of my life with? She asks, “When will I find my knight in shining armor?” He ponders, “When will I find my beautiful queen?”
Suddenly, they meet someone who captures their attention in the most unusual place. It comes as a complete surprise to both of them. They begin to talk, laugh out loud, and smile much more than expected. The experience is so refreshing . . . so pleasant. Before they part ways for the evening, they decide to exchange their contact information and stay in touch. Three hours later the phone rings and they talk until 4:30 AM. To their amazement they’re not even tired. Where did the time go? It went by so fast. The first conversation led to a second and the second led to a third and so on and so forth. They were never that way before. They didn’t even like talking on the phone, not even with their friends. This pattern continues over and over again for several months.
Contrary to past relationships, the guy begins to write long letters about how he feels when they’re together and how beautiful her hair looks even on rainy days. He spontaneously begins to send her long-stemmed roses, chocolates and fuzzy teddy bears. He may have been relatively cheap when it came to purchasing gifts. Now he no longer considers his spending for the one he adores an expense, but an investment. He starts caring more about how he looks and how he smells.
The girl has this glassy look in her eyes like someone skipping through the clouds to reach the end of a rainbow. It’s hard for her to concentrate at school . . . it’s hard for him to hang out with the guys. They begin to miss important meals as a result of not wanting to break the flow of their conversation. They want to spend every possible minute looking into each other’s eyes and sharing their hopes and dreams for the future with one another. They simply can’t get enough of one another. This is exactly what they were dreaming of and they’re determined to live out this dream one moment at a time. Do you remember how you felt when you first met your spouse? Can you recall how you changed and started doing things that caught others completely by surprise?
A King’s Dream of Love
At the time of his 40-year reign (971-931 B.C.), King Solomon was the wisest, most talented, and richest king who ruled. He was internationally recognized for his great wisdom. People would travel from all over the world and bring King Solomon great gifts from their particular country. They wanted to hear his wisdom and listen to the King who was wise far beyond his years. Solomon’s understanding exceeded the expectations of those who heard him. He spoke 3,000 proverbs and wrote 1,005 musical works (1 Kings, 4:32).
King Solomon fell in love with a young Shulamite woman. Unfortunately, Solomon would later claim 699 additional wives to his list. To express his deep love and respect for the young Shulamite woman, King Solomon wrote a work of poetry in the form of a song to describe his great love. Within this song, the Shulamite woman also describes her love for King Solomon. Solomon, the Lover, and the Shulamite woman, the Beloved, have groups of people who interject throughout this song, giving the relationship a broader appeal. We’re reminded in this song about the real emotions that exist when love is found. Moreover, we’re reminded of the purity of love and its great beauty within the parameters of marriage.
Many believe the setting for this romance was in northern Israel over a period of two years or less. The song takes us through three major phases. We experience a portion of their courtship, the engagement, and get a glimpse of some of their struggles, hopes and dreams. Second, we’re able to receive a beautiful picture of their wedding experience and life as a young married couple. Finally, the realities of married life begin and we’re brought into their first disagreement as a couple and how they each handle the situation. The following four characteristics describe the courtship process, the progression that leads to the engagement to the one you love.
1. Anticipation
Anticipation is when you’re counting the seconds before you see them again. It’s an emerging eagerness that grows with time. If you could, you’d repeat the moments you spend together over and over again. You just can’t wait to see them again. The time you spend together is a wonderful and invigorating experience. When you hear a song on the radio or see a couple holding hands as they walk along the sidewalk thoughts of the one you love come rushing in faster than you can possibly process.
You just can’t wait to hear their soothing voice. It’s time to refresh your soul with their presence. The thought of them makes you start singing a new song. Something inside you has changed and words cannot accurately describe how you feel deep within. You know one thing for sure . . . you’re in love! You want time to fast forward when you’re not together and come to a complete stop when you are. In the context of an engagement, you’re not only tracking the months, but also the days, the hours and the minutes . . . right down to the very second before you say, “I do.” Consider the anticipation from Solomon’s bride-to-be, the Shulamite woman.
Beloved
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you! Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers... How right they are to adore you . . . Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday. Why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends? (Song of Solomon, 1:2-4, 7, NIV).
2. Praise
Praise is when you celebrate the characteristics of the one whom you love. It involves regularly declaring how valuable they are to you and expressing this great value to others. When you praise the one you love, it demonstrates how much you cherish and appreciate them. In every growing relationship, praise is part of the equation. When you’re secure in your relationship there won’t be a celebratory deficit.
Praise is the overflow of a heart filled with gratitude. It is amazing how easily praise flows from the lips of couples during the time they are seriously dating. They usually don’t rehearse what they’re about to say or practice the sound of their tone out loud. It just flows. It flows from the anticipation. It flows from filling their minds with good things, lovely things and pleasant things about the one they love. No wonder the Apostle Paul encourages us to focus our mind on the right things. He understood how they would affect the way we think, what we say and the actions we carry out.
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (Philippians 4:8)
Lover
I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh. Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. We will make you earrings of gold, studded with silver… How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves… Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens. (Song of Solomon 1:9-11, 15, 2:2, NIV)
Beloved
While the king was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance. My lover is to me a cluster of henna blossoms from the vineyards of En Gedi . . . How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming… I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. (Song of Solomon 1:12, 16)
3. Delight
Delight is when you find the time with the one you love thoroughly enjoyable. Like a breath of fresh air they refresh your soul. It really doesn’t matter what you do or where you decide to go as long as you’re together. Delighting in the one you love has nothing to do with location or luxury. It has everything to do with the depth and quality of your relationship. For this reason, your desire is to generously grow your relationship and maximize the time you spend together. Regarding time spent together as delighting requires both quantity and quality. Listen for these two qualities as we gain further insight into the love of King Solomon, the Lover, and the Shulamite woman, the Beloved. Notice the attention to detail as they describe their great delight for one another.
Beloved
Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me. (Song of Songs 2:3-6, NIV)
An apple tree represented a sweet fruit. The Shulamite’s desire was to be fully embraced with Solomon’s love. She found his love to be richly pleasant to her senses. The imagery here is truly poetic. Solomon was the one who brought her great delight. Her growing desire for King Solomon envisioned his presence providing protection, comfort, nourishment, delight and romance.
Beloved
Listen! My lover! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills. My lover is like a gazelle or a young stag. Look! There he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, peering through the lattice. My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me." (Song of Songs 2:8-13, NIV)
Notice the admiration in her heart as she’s captivated by the sight of his athletic abilities and unwavering pursuit of her love. She recognizes his great physical attributes such as speed and agility. She enjoys his invitation to escape and explore the beauty of the earth together. As they embark they’ll notice the change of seasons and experience a new beauty unfold before them. As this season of beauty matures so does the love they each have for one another. They begin creating songs as they experience this great adventure together.
What a great picture of maturing love. There’s anticipation, praise, delight, admiration, pursuit, and shared experiences with one another. Although this particular scene was at the peak of their courtship, it reminds those of us who are already married about the importance of creating an environment for extraordinary intimacy to keep the flame burning. Isn’t this the kind of relationship we all dream of having? We’re talking about a love filled with anticipation, mutual praise and a regular dose of thrilling experiences with one another. A love that brings contagious laughter and great enjoyment to our heart each and every day is what we all long to share with the one we love.
Lover
My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely. Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom. (Song of Songs 2:14-15, NIV)
As Solomon continues to quote his beloved, they each recognize the importance of catching the little foxes that ruin not just any vineyard, but their particular vineyard that is in bloom and prospering. Your marriage is continually under attack. For this reason, you constantly have to be on guard. You have to be intentional about protecting your heart and protecting your marriage. There are foxes, little foxes, who are trying to destroy what you have.
These may appear to be rather cute at first, but make no mistake about them; their purpose is to destroy what is being built. They want to stop your love for one another from growing. They want to unnoticeably sneak in and steadily chip away at the very roots of your love. It’s no secret; your love for one another will experience considerable attacks. It may have been fighting through a surprise attack from a little fox just this last week. Take every attack on your love f or one another very, very serious. When these foxes surface, you have to tackle them together and completely remove every trace of them from your marriage. The next two verses provide us with keys for a good defense.
Beloved
My lover is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, turn, my lover, and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the rugged hills. (Song of Songs 2:16-17, NIV)
As you delight in your spouse, remember to delight solely in their love. You belong to your spouse and your spouse belongs to you. This love is not to be shared with another. It is reserved only for your spouse. Exclusivity will protect your marriage from great turmoil and heartache. Distinctiveness will give you the necessary leverage to keep the foxes out of your marriage. Fight for your spouse and delight in them alone.
4. Desire
Desire is a strong and compelling inner drive that drives you to the one you love. It involves passion, planning, pursuing and persevering. Since you long to be with the one you love, you create a plan to make sure your desire is turned into a reality. You pursue opportunities to grow as a couple by participating in a variety of relationship building activities. Passivity is nonexistent at this point. You proactively search for the next great adventure to share with one another to build fun memories. It may be a new restaurant or an unexplored picnic spot. It can be a craft fair, art festival, a new bike trail, or some other fun activity experienced with the one you love.
Last but not least, you set up boundaries to protect the sexual purity of your relationship. You recognize your personal weaknesses and make plans to protect the integrity of your relationship. This planning becomes a powerful force and a protection within your relationship. Your resolve in this area will greatly determine the current and future success of your relationship. Although you’re fully aware of this temptation during your days of courtship, you take the right steps and intentionally choose not to place your relationship in danger of compromising your sexual purity. In short, you choose to wait. Now consider the very real desires of the Shulamite woman.
Beloved
All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but did not find him. The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. "Have you seen the one my heart loves?" Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother's house, to the room of the one who conceived me. Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. (Song of Songs 3:1-5, NIV)
Anticipation – Praise – Delight - Desire
Marriage Catalyst Activity
From your perspective think through the BIG picture, the dream for the destination of your marriage. For this activity write at least one point, one short phrase in each section to describe what this dream would look like. These can be a combination of several characteristics, action steps and milestones such as spiritual, personal, relational, family, physical, educational and career milestones to name just a few. Think long-term and think BIG. Be creative and carefully think through your responses. For those who are single, have some fun with this exercise.
Reigniting your marriage requires a clear vision for the future. What characteristics, action steps and goals best describe the desired destination for your marriage in the next 10 Years, 20 Years and 30 Years?
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Spiritual
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Personal
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Relational
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Family
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Physical
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Educational
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Career
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Financial
Next, compare your answers with those of your spouse and agree on the top characteristics, action steps or goals for each section. Write down a blended final product that both of you can agree on and build towards the future for the next 10 Years, 20 Years and 30 Years.
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Spiritual
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Personal
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Relational
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Family
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Physical
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Educational
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Career
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Financial
The Big Application: Making Personal Adjustments
What are the top three applications gained from this session for you to immediately put into practice within your marriage? Think through these applications carefully. First focus on what God is showing you to change within your own heart and life rather than focusing on what your spouse needs to change. Next, consider this application in light of your relationship as a couple and what needs to be adjusted to grow your marriage. Prayerfully write down your responses to each application in the form of an action plan.
1. Application
What specifically do I need to change as it relates to this application? What do we need to change?
How can I do this in a practical way? How can we do this together?
By what date can these changes begin? How will this application benefit our marriage the most?
2. Application
What specifically do I need to change as it relates to this application? What do we need to change?
How can I do this in a practical way? How can we do this together?
By what date can these changes begin? How will this application benefit our marriage the most?
3. Application
What specifically do I need to change as it relates to this application? What do we need to change?
How can I do this in a practical way? How can we do this together?
By what date can these changes begin? How will this application benefit our marriage the most?
Application Questions
1. Reflect back on the research regarding “Divorce in America.” What were two of the most alarming statistics for you personally? Explain your answers.
2. What would you say are the three greatest benefits of a marriage between a man and a woman? How would you rate these is descending order?