FIVE SECOND FICTION
Volume Four
by Al Bruno III
rev 1.0
Copyright Al Bruno III 2011
Smashwords Edition License Notes:
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FIVE SECOND FICTION
Totally Twitterable Tales
by
Al Bruno III
Volume Four
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and One
Like most techs he performed his regular duties with a combination of skill, caffeine and quiet desperation.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Two
An online booking error resulted in Eric and his pals spending Spring Break in Amish country.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Three
Lenny knew that in a country where competitive eating was treated like an actual sport anything was possible.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Four
Morbidly obese Special Agent Mario Krump found it difficult to blend in at the Phish concert.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Five
Some superheroes could punch through time, Professor Mystical could pelt metaphysical concepts with loogies.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Six
She wouldn't shave her legs and he wouldn't shave his beard; the rasping noise of their lovemaking upset the cat.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seven
It was an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini that she shoplifted with relative ease.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eight
"What is a poem?" Zeth said, "A poem is a prayer in the darkness that cries out 'Remember Me' again and again."
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Nine
The Cheerleaders of the Wasteland escaped the mud by making a rope from their clothes. It was the greatest 5 Second Fiction ever.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ten
Somehow his journey down the road of vengeance led him to the off-ramp of horrific groin injuries.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eleven
It was the worst hangover of Lorelei's life but she had been warned that tequila and Theosophy did not mix.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Twelve
The enraged ghosts of Elvis, Bobby Darrin and Frank Sinatra went on a rampage destroying one karaoke bar after another.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Thirteen
Nature Boy the Lord of the Jungle truly began his big city adventure when he found the mini bar in his hotel room.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fourteen
When superheroes need backup they contacted the woman known as the Consultant- sidekick for hire.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifteen
Special Agent Mario Krump loved the smell of tear gas in the morning, because he was a mean son of a bitch.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixteen
The details of how he had survived the multi car pile up were spotty, much like his underwear when it was over.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventeen
Jason Magwier didn't know how the Cessna had found its way to the spirit world. He mused “An actual plane on the astral plane?”
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighteen
In all the stores it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas, unfortunately it was Arbor Day.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Nineteen
Was someone stealing Audra's underwear because they were a pervert or was a pervert trying to make her stop wearing underwear?
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Twenty
The studies offered irrefutable evidence that not only were people getting dumber, their stupidity was becoming weaponized.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Twenty One
All the heroes of River City showed up for Doomsday Girl's funeral, some of the villains too but no one felt much like fighting.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Twenty Two
When neat freaks rise from the dead they aren't worried about the flesh of the living, it's all about the staaaaaains.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Twenty Three
Each twin felt what the other experienced. Prom night was a disaster.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Twenty Four
He was a Retail Messiah, slashing the price of Indulgences and passing the savings on to your soul.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Twenty Five
Keeping a diary was boring so she began writing fan fiction about herself, from these humble beginnings a major religion was born.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Twenty Six
The aliens replaced all the world's leaders with idiot look-a-likes; things actually improved.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Twenty Seven
That night he dreamed of kissing an old girlfriend, coincidentally his wife dreamed she was plucking fuzzy peaches from a tree.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Twenty Eight
“I have no patience with computers,” Isobel said, “you stare too long into an operating system and it stares into you.”
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Twenty Nine
It was the fifteenth annual time travelers convention, tomorrow was the sixteenth annual time travelers convention.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Thirty
They tried to cure is impotence with a computerized implant but the firmware failed.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Thirty One
He worked as a cliff diver, bear wrestler and stunt driver; anything to avoid working in a call center.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Thirty Two
They caught pneumonia making love in the rain but they would tell you it wasn't phlegm they were coughing up. It was desire.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Thirty Three
With Captain Hero gone there was nothing to stop Psychotic Kid from doing things his way, so the rest of the team hid his costume.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Thirty Four
Very few ax murderers can succeed as corporate supervisors but those that do have teams with the highest productivity levels.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Thirty Five
Gary didn't see the point of getting the dishwasher fixed as long as they had a dog.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Thirty Six
The 80 year old coprophiliac's fetish for telemarketers caused them to create a Do Not Call list of their own.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Thirty Seven
CGI allows elements of two films to be blended but should the cast of Wizard of Oz met the plot of Cannibal Holocaust?
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Thirty Eight
All the bathroom walls in town advised Greg to call Sue for a good time and he had to admit she was a Hell of a canasta player.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Thirty Nine
The best part of there being no afterlife was the chance to get in the last word.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Forty
The worst part about there being an afterlife was the long lines for everything.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Forty One
The best part of there being an afterlife was the chance to finally get in those long delayed apologies.
Second Fiction Six Hundred and Forty Two
The worst part of there being no afterlife was the lives wasted in anticipation.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Forty Three
It wasn't until an army of giant robots attacked the junior prom that Kevin began to suspect his father was a super hero.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Forty Four
To keep her husband she had her chin tucked and her nose trimmed but then she really wasn't the woman he'd fallen in love with.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Forty Five
It was just like Audra to bring witchcraft to a gunfight.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Forty Six
Teen heartthrobs and porn stars share equally obsessive fan bases and roughly equal shelf lives.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Forty Seven
It wasn't until his fourth adventure that the Ironcommando discovered that severe allergies and armored battlesuits didn't mix.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Forty Eight
Julie was the kind of beautiful, sexually aggressive woman all men dreamed of meeting but were then terrified of if they did.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Forty Nine
This year's reality show hit followed programming executives as they scrambled to create this year's reality show hit.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty
Everyone expected Amazing Ed to fight Fuego over leadership of the team, no one expected him to grease himself so throughly.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty One
Rex struggled to recall the name of the girl he had almost gotten the third base with but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Two
Amazing Ed explained to the kids that superheroes hid their identities to protect their loved ones, just like strippers.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Three
Costumes with sculpted rubber and latex muscles might be all the rage but Captain Hero still did sit ups every morning.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Four
Thane was not afraid of combat because death meant nothing to him and he was not afraid of magic because he had no imagination.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Five
Very few have mastered the art of making erotic potholders, even fewer will admit to it in polite company.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Six
All good things must come to an end which is why Billy's accordion recital seemed to go on forever.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Seven
It wasn't until Karl placed a personal ad looking for a girl with a 'nice rack' that he learned how many dominatrixes were in town.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Eight
The ninjas had him cornered in an onion field and Fuego just knew it was all going to end in tears.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Nine
There was no comfort for him, not even in sleep because the darkness behind his eyelids seemed too much like death.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty
Erato quickly learned that, goddess or not, fighting super villains, in her toga was a recipe for disaster... and nudity.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty One
Stan found he got more respect around the office if he began every conversation with the term “Foolish mortal!”
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Two
Karl prided himself on his perfect recall and pornographic memory and that isn't a misprint.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Three
For every successful adventurer like Indiana Jones there is a tragedy like the case of Dysentery Smith.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Four
Jeff's journey brought him to a town where conflicts were still solved the 1980's way – with contests of skill and breakdancing.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Five
Brazloe tried to intimidate his enemies into leaving by tasering himself, once he lost control of his bowels they did.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Six
Cyborg hero Rusty Johnson caught the alien sausage factory as it began to collapse on the school bus, suddenly he got an itch.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Seven
One after the other the grateful school children hugged cyborg hero Rusty Johnson, later he realized one had stolen his wallet.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Eight
By the time he worked up the nerve to share his feelings with her, she was already sharing her feelings with someone else.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Nine
The serial killer worked in a discount store and only killed people born under the sign of the fish- he was always slashing Pisces.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy
His affair with the girl from Macy's began as entertainment but quickly moved in to domestics.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy One
Torn between science and religion Stan worried that he worsened global warming every time he touched himself.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Two
Many writers sell their souls to the Devil but in doing so they become editors.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Three
The advertisement read 'Erotic Fireplace' and it was obviously a typo- despite that a new fetish was born.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Four
100 years in the future a flu virus began traveling and mutating via the medium of bad movies; the MANOS strain killed thousands.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Five
Reading movie and comic book blogs gave him a nightmare about Mario Bava directing a film about Aquaman called 'KRILL BABY KRILL'
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Six
The only thing more dangerous than a vampire with a foot fetish is a zombie on a moped.”
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Seven
In the future technology will be indistinguishable from magic, but no one ever needs to reboot a magic wand.
Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Eight
How many hours of decadence are left until the Mayan Apocalypse?
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Nine
As a young man your orgasms are explosive and your bowel movements are relatively dry, as you grow older this slowly reverses.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty
Like most supervillains he was color blind and obsessive compulsive.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty One
Corporate decided to reduce staff without severance packages by 'accidentally' releasing wild bears into selected office buildings.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Two
The peace talks broke down when no one could settle on what style of barbecue sauce would be used at the cookout.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Three
The superhero team decided that buying a private jet was better than trying to get a viking and a cyborg through airport security.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Four
Hospitalizations are like wars; a sudden outbreak of chaos and fear followed by a period of slow economic recovery.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Five
Audra DiMico collected conspiracy theories the way other girls collected plastic unicorns.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Six
They were Clown Scare Investigators but had to change their stationary because the name CSI was already taken.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Seven
"The difference between a go-go dancer and a stripper is measured by the depth of her thong and the emptiness of your wallet."
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Eight
Scientists are working on an equation to correlate the relationship between children's' bedtimes and when they actually go to sleep.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Nine
Most of Zeth's anecdotes ended with the words- "Then I shot him." but no had the nerve to complain about it.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety
The Local Heroes tracked down the Invisible Zeppelin by listening for the sound of birds whacking into the side of it.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety One
Captain Hero returned home to find crime rampant, property values down and the toilet in his secret base hopelessly plugged.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Two
"The only thing worse than being blogged about is not being blogged about."
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Three
With a time machine you can truly enjoy a month of Sundays but one Tuesday a week is still more than enough.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Four
The only thing that made stake outs bearable for Special Agent Mario Krump was his Ez Bake Oven with car port adapter.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Five
Abner held up the vampire's chamberpot and said, "It's a dead man's potty!"
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Six
Magwier claimed that the secret for remaining incognito was never to order Chinese take out from the same place twice.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Seven
Most ATMs have significant cash memory.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Eight
No one wanted anything to do with the Tooth Fairy's sadistic cousin the Finger Leprechaun.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Nine
Their lovemaking was ruined when the smooth jazz station playing on the radio suddenly changed formats to all polkas all the time.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred
She had memorized the names of all the divine messengers perfectly, you could say she was angel retentive.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty One
Rex struggled to recall the name of the girl he had almost gotten the third base with but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Two
Amazing Ed explained to the kids that superheroes hid their identities to protect their loved ones, just like strippers.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Three
Costumes with sculpted rubber and latex muscles might be all the rage but Captain Hero still did sit ups every morning.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Four
Thane was not afraid of combat because death meant nothing to him and he was not afraid of magic because he had no imagination.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Five
Very few have mastered the art of making erotic potholders, even fewer will admit to it in polite company.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Six
All good things must come to an end which is why Billy's accordion recital seemed to go on forever.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Seven
It wasn't until Karl placed a personal ad looking for a girl with a 'nice rack' that he learned how many dominatrixes were in town.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Eight
The ninjas had him cornered in an onion field and Fuego just knew it was all going to end in tears.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Fifty Nine
There was no comfort for him, not even in sleep because the darkness behind his eyelids seemed too much like death.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty
Erato quickly learned that, goddess or not, fighting super villains, in her toga was a recipe for disaster... and nudity.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty One
Stan found he got more respect around the office if he began every conversation with the term “Foolish mortal!”
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Two
Karl prided himself on his perfect recall and pornographic memory and that isn't a misprint.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Three
For every successful adventurer like Indiana Jones there is a tragedy like the case of Dysentery Smith.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Four
Jeff's journey brought him to a town where conflicts were still solved the 1980's way – with contests of skill and breakdancing.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Five
Brazloe tried to intimidate his enemies into leaving by tasering himself, once he lost control of his bowels they did.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Six
Cyborg hero Rusty Johnson caught the alien sausage factory as it began to collapse on the school bus, suddenly he got an itch.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Seven
One after the other the grateful school children hugged cyborg hero Rusty Johnson, later he realized one had stolen his wallet.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Eight
By the time he worked up the nerve to share his feelings with her, she was already sharing her feelings with someone else.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Sixty Nine
The serial killer worked in a discount store and only killed people born under the sign of the fish- he was always slashing Pisces.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy
His affair with the girl from Macy's began as entertainment but quickly moved in to domestics.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy One
Torn between science and religion Stan worried that he worsened global warming every time he touched himself.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Two
Many writers sell their souls to the Devil but in doing so they become editors.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Three
The advertisement read 'Erotic Fireplace' and it was obviously a typo- despite that a new fetish was born.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Four
100 years in the future a flu virus began traveling and mutating via the medium of bad movies; the MANOS strain killed thousands.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Five
Reading movie and comic book blogs gave him a nightmare about Mario Bava directing a film about Aquaman called 'KRILL BABY KRILL'
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Six
The only thing more dangerous than a vampire with a foot fetish is a zombie on a moped.”
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Seven
In the future technology will be indistinguishable from magic, but no one ever needs to reboot a magic wand.
Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Eight
How many hours of decadence are left until the Mayan Apocalypse?
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Seventy Nine
As a young man your orgasms are explosive and your bowel movements are relatively dry, as you grow older this slowly reverses.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty
Like most supervillains he was color blind and obsessive compulsive.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty One
Corporate decided to reduce staff without severance packages by 'accidentally' releasing wild bears into selected office buildings.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Two
The peace talks broke down when no one could settle on what style of barbecue sauce would be used at the cookout.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Three
The superhero team decided that buying a private jet was better than trying to get a viking and a cyborg through airport security.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Four
Hospitalizations are like wars; a sudden outbreak of chaos and fear followed by a period of slow economic recovery.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Five
Audra DiMico collected conspiracy theories the way other girls collected plastic unicorns.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Six
They were Clown Scare Investigators but had to change their stationary because the name CSI was already taken.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Seven
"The difference between a go-go dancer and a stripper is measured by the depth of her thong and the emptiness of your wallet."
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Eight
Scientists are working on an equation to correlate the relationship between children's' bedtimes and when they actually go to sleep.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Eighty Nine
Most of Zeth's anecdotes ended with the words- "Then I shot him." but no had the nerve to complain about it.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety
The Local Heroes tracked down the Invisible Zeppelin by listening for the sound of birds whacking into the side of it.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety One
Captain Hero returned home to find crime rampant, property values down and the toilet in his secret base hopelessly plugged.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Two
"The only thing worse than being blogged about is not being blogged about."
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Three
With a time machine you can truly enjoy a month of Sundays but one Tuesday a week is still more than enough.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Four
The only thing that made stake outs bearable for Special Agent Mario Krump was his Ez Bake Oven with car port adapter.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Five
Abner held up the vampire's chamberpot and said, "It's a dead man's potty!"
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Six
Magwier claimed that the secret for remaining incognito was never to order Chinese take out from the same place twice.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Seven
Most ATMs have significant cash memory.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Eight
No one wanted anything to do with the Tooth Fairy's sadistic cousin the Finger Leprechaun.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Nine
Their lovemaking was ruined when the smooth jazz station playing on the radio suddenly changed formats to all polkas all the time.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred
She had memorized the names of all the divine messengers perfectly, you could say she was angel retentive.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and One
Fuego's conversation about grooming with Amazing Ed became an argument about whether or not excessive nose hair was a superpower.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Two
For Magwier there was no WHEN, there was no SOON; there was only a never ending chaos of NOW and IF.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Four
She tried to shake it like a Polaroid picture but nothing had developed yet...
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Five
Captain Hero turned to Amazing Ed, “What the Hell kind of a power is 'Sonic Vision'?”
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Six
All the super villains wanted to team up with Laserface- The Man With The Hologram Head because his name was so damn cool.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Seven
The waters of the grotto in the Playboy Mansion spawned the first Shoggoth in 10,000 years- and it had herpes.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eight
It wasn't that he was a bad comedian, he just needed the vegetables.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Nine
He promised her he would wait for her until she came back; he didn't promise her he would wait alone.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Ten
Christmas was his favorite time of the year to go door to door telling kids there was no Santa Claus.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eleven
She only spoke perfect French when she was orgasming, these days all her husband could do was give her a slight accent.
5 Second Ficton Seven Hundred and Twelve
"Can we play CSI?" my kid asked.
I said "Sure"
And now my keyboard is covered with flour.
5 Second Ficton Seven Hundred and Thirteen
A TV show was created that instilled good feelings and world peace. Since it was on FOX it was canceled immediately.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Twelve
It was a classic online romance; their emails were elaborate, their tweets were ribald and their webcams were soft focus only.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Thirteen
It was tradition that Fuego never remove his sacred luchador mask, it made undercover work nearly impossible.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Fourteen
The gym teacher could fly, the guidance councilor was an alien and the truant officer was a ninja; super hero academy was tough.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Fifteen
After repelling one invasion after another Rusty Johnson finally figured out why the aliens kept attacking - they were assholes.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Sixteen
12/01/2019 was the day that real light sabers were made available to the buying public. "Begun the Nerd Wars have."
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Seventeen
Erato stopped being a muse in favor of being a crimefighter - no more hours of listening to demo tapes for her!
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eighteen
Amazing Ed's quest to capture the villain called Sandstorm during a blackout was his darkest and grittiest adventure.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Nineteen
He was a stunt pilot that had been left standing at the altar twice, you could say he had a history of near Mrs.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Twenty
As the network failed Corporate tried to get through to IT but Dave from IT was busy Twitterng about how quiet things were today.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Twenty One
“The World Eater is coming,” Captain Hero said. “He's already eaten a planet and it didn't agree with him. This could get messy.”
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Twenty Two
Struggling to escape the nerhu straitjacket Psychotic Kid realized that Fadman was using CB radios to control his army of Furbies.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Twenty Three
For Major Kurthers the worst thing about being in the trenches was Private Jenkins farts; they smelled just like mashed potatoes.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Twenty Four
In his struggle to not become the kind of man his father was he ended up as something for worse.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Twenty Five
All his siblings and cousins had bowel disorders, it brought a new meaning to the phrase "Runs in the family."
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Twenty Six
The low point of Dr. Posideion's career was mistaking the sound of a porn star with laryngitis for the cry of a wounded porpoise.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Twenty Seven
Special Agent Krump spent days searching for a cross dressing albino before he realized the sketch artist had it in for him.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Twenty Eight
Writing slashfic during his lunch hour didn't get Dave fired, accidentally emailing 'Red Shirts and Pink Parts' to the CEO did.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Twenty Nine
Years ago she had told him he was all that and a bag of chips, now she realized she should have told him to lay off the chips
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Thirty
Like all great men he had a great women behind him- to find him find his keys, his wallet, his glasses...
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Thirty One
By the time Ken learned the warranty on his hip replacement didn't cover booty shaking related damage it was far too late...
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Thirty Two
There were many bills introduced to outlaw time machines but each one ended with legislator's parents never having met.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Thirty Three
Techno-Pimp spent long hours perfecting his iWhore app but it was always one bug or virus after another.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Thirty Four
No one ever suspected Mrs. Butterworth's scandalous past as Lady Marmalade.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Thirty Five
In retrospect Colin realized he should have mentioned his priapism to the people hiring department store Santas.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Thirty Six
They called her 'Lady Napalm' because she had a way of inflaming your privates.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Thirty Seven
Many superheroes cheated death but no superhero ever came back after a public beatdown from the Legion Of Evil Ballerinas.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Thirty Eight
Mom wrapped the Christmas gifts with the zeal of a pissed off dominatrix.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Thirty Nine
Every year hundreds of teenage werewolves are killed while trying to light their farts.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Forty
Scientists eventually realized that never ending arguments about global warming significantly increased global warming.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Forty One
A lifetime ago he broke her heart, a lifetime later he was heartbroken with regrets.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Forty Two
Zack immersed himself in all aspects of social networking until he finally confirmed people just didn't like him.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Forty Three
His friends and his pornography had trained him to expect that part of a woman’s body to be shaved clean, or at least artistically.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Forty Four
A serial killer had left Agent Quinn claustrophobic, Agent Krump's gunfight at Krispy Kreme left him with a fear of sprinkles.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Forty Five
Their 5 year mission at an end the crew of the Starship Persea returned home brimming with tales of adventure and alien parasites.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Forty Six
It wasn't the first time Karl had spent all night buying drinks for women of loose morals and questionable dentistry.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Forty Seven
Enticed by our television transmissions the horny aliens came to Earth only to learn they had been watching all the wrong channels.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Forty Eight
Kid-friendly super hero Mr. Nice Guy's team up with Viking superhero Hrothgar was a storm of bloodshed and hugging and bloodshed.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Forty Nine
He held the Necromonicon above his head and with a cry of horror told the world, “It's a scrapbook! A scrapbook!”
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Fifty
Mike loudly announced, “I'm going to go tinkle.” and the rest of the biker bar fell silent.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Fifty One
He came of age during the sexual revolution and was hit by shrapnel on several occasions.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Fifty One
He came of age during the sexual revolution and was hit by shrapnel on several occasions.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Fifty Two
The rivalry between the Dunwich and Innsmouth University football teams was aggravated by their non-Euclidean playbooks.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Fifty Three
She wanted their lovemaking to be a symphony of pleasure but all he wanted to do was get to the triangle solo.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Fifty Five
All the goth kids want to be visited by the ghost of Christmas future.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Fifty Six
No one was warned about the vampire uprising but they all knew that AN ATHLETE WAS CAUGHT CHEATING ON HIS WIFE!!!
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Fifty Seven
She thought a 'Sewage Smoothie' was just an ironic name for the drink, she realized later the bartender was a sick sick bastard.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Fifty Eight
You'll know if a time traveler didn't like your Christmas gift because he will already have the receipt.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Fifty Nine
The Corporate Safety Specialist died from complications of a paper cut received while hanging colorful and informative signs.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Sixty
“The main difference between a blogger and a terrorist is that people occasionally pay attention to what terrorists have to say.”
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Sixty One
A postal error sent many childrens' letters to Mexican wrestler Santo instead of Santa Claus, and a new Christmas special was born.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Sixty Two
Magwier sneered at the decorations, “Holiday sentiment to humanity is like sterilizing a blade before you slit someone's throat.”
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Sixty Three
History teacher Mr. Roberts had an unhealthy musk and a love of spicy colognes, when the students were bad he shut the windows.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Sixty Four
She converted to Atheism to Catholicism because a good dose of shame made sex all the better.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Sixty Five
“There's nothing worse than outliving someone you admire,” Zeth said. “That's why I don't believe in heroes.”
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Fifty Four
The Capslock Avenger was a noble hero, BUT SUBTLETY WAS NOT HIS STRONG POINT.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Sixty Six
Werewolves never tell anyone to have a Merry Christmas, some however will wish you Happy Howlidays.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Sixty Seven
Look,” Judy said. “I like the strong silent type but when we're screwing can you at least grunt or something?”
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Sixty Eight
The superhero known as Amoeba Man could divide into two Amoeba Men but they frequently argued about which of them was the sidekick.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Sixty Nine
Every year corporate served a lavish Christmas dinner to all the employees and just to keep them humble they served venison.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Seventy
Harry Balzak hated telling people his name.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Seventy One
And what to my wondering eyes should appear but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer! Yep the acid had kicked in.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Seventy Two
It would have helped if the Voice of the Resistance hadn't been so squeaky and annoying.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Seventy Three
A December snowstorm stranded Karl far in a motel full of strippers with boundary issues. It was the best Christmas ever.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Seventy Four
Doomsday Girl was alive! Captain Hero found it darn unnerving how often things like that happened in the superhero world.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Seventy Five
Fighting in Harnett's Rebellion left Megan scarred and limping; the war left her a mercenary, her wounds left her cruel.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Seventy Six
No matter where he went he smelled gravy.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Seventy Seven
He never used hashtags because he wanted to live in a place where the Tweets have no name.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Seventy Eight
“No one gets everything they want for Christmas because most people don't know what they really want.”
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Seventy Nine
Disagreements about how to coordinate the non-violent protest resulted in a fistfight.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eighty One
“Not many people can appreciate the subtle eroticism of wargaming, mostly because there isn't any.”
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eighty One
Hrothgar the Viking had lost his sword in a card game, his heart to a mermaid and his virginity to a centaur. All on the same day.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eighty Two
Not unlike small businesses most super hero teams fail within the first year.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eighty Three
“One thing's for sure,” she thought as her soul reached the deepest pit of Hell, “I have nowhere to go but up.”
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eighty Four
Most starships gained a unique odor during their 5-year missions, the Persea smelled like urine and sweetened breakfast cereal.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eighty Five
Doomsday Girl returned from the dead with renewed strength, purpose and, much to Captain Hero's delight, improved muscle control.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eighty Six
Judy had two talents magic and dirty limericks; she vowed someday to combine the two and conquer the world.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eighty Seven
Many people gained super powers from accidents but only the Amazing Flambe got his from mistakes made while deep frying a turkey.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eighty Eight
The Great Fashion Implosion was caused by someone wearing a Members Only Jacket and an Old Navy sweatshirt AT THE SAME TIME!
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eighty Nine
Virtual reality technology allowed users to experience life as a large breasted woman and everyone loves First Person Hooters.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Ninety
It wasn't the first time MightyWoman visited River City, but it was the last time she parked her car on the street.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Ninety One
They were both ugly but when they made love it was a beautiful thing, unless you were watching.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Ninety Two
The Executioner's equipment was paid for by a fee levied on the peasants. In other words all his axes came from taxes.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Ninety Three
Super-villain Midnight Chicken rarely stayed in jail for long because all he ever managed to steal was a few bucks.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Ninety Four
The terrorists emailed their demands but misuse of the spell-check feature led to confusion and tragedy.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Ninety Five
Sure every guy wants two chicks at once, unless he's getting a full body cavity search from TSA screeners.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Ninety Six
Jason Magwier didn't consider what he did cheating death, it was more like a drawn out game of Three Card Monte with destiny.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Ninety Seven
He unleashed a torrent of obscenities and then demanded to speak to a supervisor. St. Peter just stared in amazement.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Ninety Eight
The Internet made DragonCon obsolete save as a place for nerds to gather and breed like a pack of lust-frenzied cosplaying salmon.
5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Ninety Nine
“Kids grow up so darn fast.” he said with a tear in his eye. Maybe goat herding wasn't for him after all.
5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred
As he reflected on the past 800 days Captain Hero wondered to himself if it had all been worth it. Should he have quit his day job?