The Little eBook of Insults
By Dave Dutton
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 Dave Dutton. All rights reserved worldwide.
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please buy an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not buy it or it was not bought for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and buy your own copy. Thank you for respecting the work of this author.
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Contents
You Know You’re In a Rough Area When…
Introduction
They say there are only three ways of dealing with an insult. . .
The first is to ignore it.
The second is to give the person delivering it a thump on the nose.
The third is to top it with a better one. . .
I suspect that most of us ordinary mortals would find the first course of action extremely difficult, the second inadvisable and the third wellnigh ruddy impossible. . . Most of us faced with such a situation would probably slink away only to agonize in the middle of the night as to the crushing rejoinder we would have uttered - if only we could have thought of one at the time.
The French call it esprit de l'escalier - staircase wit - or the witty remark that occurs to one after the opportunity to make it has been lost.
How often have we envied the capabilities of the top cabaret comedians who, when confronted by some intrusive heckler, have effortlessly and swiftly reduced that selfsame heckler to a quivering laughing-stock by instantly responding with merciless quick-fire one-liners. . .?
What most people don't realize is that those comedians have a ready stock of 'heckler-stoppers' on which to draw in any emergency. What sounds like an ad-lib is in fact a carefully-laid trap for the unwary. The right retort for the right occasion. . .
Which is what this mini ebook is all about... in attempting to provide the right retort for the right occasion I have compiled hundreds of put-downs, squelches, insults and quips guaranteed to give that extra edge in any verbal joust.
As Hazlitt said: 'He who puts up with insult invites injury'. So don't. . .
Do what the professionals do and memorise some of the insults to use as and when the occasion demands and you'll soon gain a reputation for having a razor-sharp wit far in excess of your actual capabilities.
It will be totally undeserved of course. But then, only you and I will know that... won't we?
PS: We take no responsibility for any use of these insults and putdowns. You use them at your own risk! After all - they're your teeth...
PPS: Some of these terms such as brands or place names will be more familiar to a UK audience. Simply replace them with your local ones.
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TOP OF THE UNPOPS
Or how to let people know they score ZILCH on a popularity rating of 1-10 . . .
You grow on people - like superfluous hair.
You're as welcome as piles on a pushbike
You're as welcome as a hang-glider with diarrhoea.
You're like a side of bacon - you'd improve with hanging.
I hope that a dog on heat falls in love with your shin.
You're as welcome as a crack in a glass eye.
She's as popular as rabies in a guide dogs' home.
They're as welcome as a dog with a wet nose in a nudist colony.
I see that you always dress to kill. Your breath has the same effect on people too.
You're as welcome as a pork chop in a synagogue.
You're as welcome as a French kiss at a family reunion. .
He's so unpopular you have to queue up to hate him.
He's taking lessons in deportment. Three more, then they deport him.
His workmates call him 'Vick' because he gets up people's noses.
He spreads joy and happiness whenever he goes.
I bet that with a little practice, you could be really unpleasant.. .
Why don't you kiss me under the mistletoe? It's tied to the end of my shirt lap.
You’d look lovely in blue. Go and jump in the sea.
I'd like to shake you warmly by the throat
Excuse me but you'd make a very good stranger.
I like the way you throw yourself into your work - I only wish you worked on a sewage farm.
I wouldn't say she was unpopular, but she had little marks all over her where men had touched her with 10-foot bargepoles.
Talk to you? I'd sooner have all my teeth pulled out without gas.
You have all the charm of an unflushed loo.
People like you don't grow on trees - they swing from them.
I wish that I was a pigeon and you were a statue.
There are no flies on you - well, even flies can be particular.
Did you get that face through eating too many sour grapes?
He lights up a room - when he leaves it.
He's very musical - even his feet hum
Next time you're passing our house, I'd be grateful.
He was an unwanted baby - his parents had him baptized in boiling water. They bought him a rattle - with a snake on the other end.
His mother used to send him out to steal hubcaps off moving cars.
I wouldn't say that his parents didn't like him but his mother used to wrap his school packed lunch in a road map.
He was so unpopular at school that when he played Hide and Seek, nobody went to look for him.
When they played Doctors and Nurses at school, they made him the ambulance driver.
When I say he was teacher's pet. I mean she used to keep him in a cage at the back of the class.
He’s as popular with people as Colonel Sanders is with chickens.
He's as popular as woodworm in a crutch.
He said 'Why do people take an instant dislike to me?’ I told him: 'Because it saves time.'
I wouldn't say he was unpopular, but when he phoned the Samaritans, they told him to sod off.
He does great work for all the hospitals in his neighbourhood - he makes people sick.
I wish you were a lamp-post and I were a dog.
He's invited to all the best houses in town - once.
You'd look nice in something flowing madam. Why don't you jump in the river?
Why don't you bore a hole in your head and let all the sap run out?
You look like a bowel movement waiting to happen.
Why don't you go and play on the motorway?
They wanted to have him on This is Your Life, but they couldn't find anybody who would admit to being his friend.
There's a bus leaving in ten minutes - be under it.
Why don't you take a long walk on a short pier?
Get back to the sewage farm - they're missing a bag of shit.
How would I like to speak to you? Through a medium.
Why don't you ask your owner to take you for a walk?
I have a soft spot for you - it's called quicksand.
When he was born, his father threw bricks at the stork.
He's known as 'Flatulence' because when you get rid of him, it's a great relief.
Why don't you broaden your mind? - stick your head under a steamroller.
He was invited to a small bore shooting club. Then they stood him on a box and took potshots at him.
He's too lazy to mow the back garden - in fact the grass is so long his wife has to peg the clothes out on horseback. .
If all of his friends got together, there wouldn't be enough people for a game of draughts.
If you can take to her, you can plait jam.
He's a transvestite gourmet - in other words, he wants to eat, drink and be Mary.
Remind me to call your parents if I want the blueprint to make an arsehole.