THE TRUTH BEHIND
THE SECRET
“INFERTILITY”
A PERSONAL DIARY OF MY JOURNEY TO MOTHERHOOD
Fran Meadows
Dedication
To my husband, who stood by me
and without whom I could never have done it,
and
To our son, Brendon, we love you!
You are our world!
i.
Acknowledgments
To my family, you were there for us when we allowed you to come in. Thank you so much for understanding. We look forward to all the family times we will share together with you in the future.
Thank you, Dr. Steven Cohen and staff at Women’s Health and Wellness, for your genuine kindness and hard work. You always made me feel special, and the caring support of your entire staff was priceless.
To Dr. Gabriel San Roman and staff at Reproductive Specialists of New York – thank you for your hard work and dedication. We are truly grateful!
To my friends and co-workers, thank you for your unwavering support. Your understanding and your obvious concern gave me the extra confidence when I needed it most.
A special thanks to the International Association of Bridge, Structural, Ornamental & Reinforcing Ironworkers (Local 580 New York) for their superior insurance coverage for all Union Members. We couldn’t have made this journey without that coverage.
There are so many others…you know who you are…who touched our lives during this journey. Thank you for being there when I needed you.
And finally, to my husband, I love you dearly! Thank you for standing by me through it all. When we work together, good things really do happen.
ii.
Preface
The health-related issues in this book are told to relate a personal story only. Each experience is based on an individual diagnosis. Do not rely on this information as a substitute for seeking the advice of a health care professional. These are strictly personal experiences and you may not experience the same symptoms or have the same outcome if you go through these treatments.
Copyright © 2011 Fran Meadows
ISBN-13: 978-1456531072
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduce, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the copyright owners
iii.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Dedication i
Acknowledgments ii
Preface iii
I. Dreams of Something Missing 1
II. The Beginning of Change 5
III. Hold On – Help Me 9
IV. There’s a First for Everything 11
V: Hope 21
VI: Dreams Do Come True 23
VII: Dreams Can Become Nightmares 29
VIII: Empty and Lost 41
IX: Another Beginning 45
X: The Waiting Game 57
XI: Could it Be 61
XII: Another Chance for Success 65
XIII: The Home Stretch 77
XIV: We’re Nearly There 87
XV: At Last! At Last! 95
XVI: A New Life 107
XVII: And So We Move On – The Epilogue 113
iv.
Chapter I – Dreams of Something Missing
When I was a little girl I wondered who my prince charming would be. I would play dress up and visualize my big and frilly wedding dress. I imagined having six kids living in a big house with a white picket fence, just like the doll houses I played with. When you’re little all these dreams seem so real and practical. Then you grow older and realize that they’re more work than you’ve ever imagined. Like the rhyme - first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage. It’s funny how things work out.
I did find my prince charming in a most unlikely place, not out clubbing in the bars where I always thought I would meet the right guy, but rather at work. I had to meet a lot of jerks before finding Mr. Right. At first he hated me and I hated him--so ironic--and now we’ve been married for over ten years. We dated for ten months and were engaged soon after. Our engagement lasted for eighteen months. During this time we saved up for the wedding, which was a struggle. We had no idea what we would be in for next. Our day came, maybe not with the Barbie doll dress or castle wedding, but it was just right! On our honeymoon we had not a care in the world--not even a thought about making a baby, even though some people come home pregnant from their honeymoon. The house came next, and this was definitely not a doll house, more like my little old bungalow that needed lots of work! It was a roof over our heads with an old brick stoop, kissing our neighbor’s yard with no grass, just oceanfront property a few times out of the year—look out for the full moon and high tides.
Then there were the hopes and dreams for the baby carriage to come immediately after
and that’s where my story begins. When I was little I had all kinds of visions about where babies come from. The baby just appeared in a mother’s stomach or a stork delivered it in a basket. Wow, how I wish this was true. These visions get us all through our childhood and we find out that they’re big lies as we get older. We tried to do everything by the book: the church wedding, buy a house and then the baby would come naturally. So many of us spend much of our lives trying to get pregnant, only to discover that when you’re ready it isn’t easy. But like most things they don’t go as planned in life. If this were true, then life would just be a fantasy.
Imagine wondering to yourself after making love, could I be pregnant? Then waiting for your period friend to come and still wondering if you could be pregnant. Well, after wondering that too many times as the months and then the years went by, it made us really think. I woke up one day and it hit me; there’s something wrong with me. Yes, it might sound crazy or like things just weren’t going my way. I would think that something would be wrong with me and I had to find out; it had been way too long! Why was it, I was a happily married woman having regular unprotected sex in the hopes of having a baby and I WASN’T PREGNANT! This was a statement that was made a little too often. Finally, I started talking to my husband about going to see a doctor to make sure that we were both okay. He would say I stressed too much about having a baby. Yes, I did stress a lot, since my biological clock was ticking and I saw everyone around me pregnant. It was like a curse--let’s see how many people I can
deal with becoming pregnant around me before falling apart. Seeing all these young
mothers with their kids holding their hands, an infant in a carrier with another one on
the way; this was disturbing and always pissed me off. I always said that I wanted a child before I was thirty. I know things never go as planned, but how hard could that be? Was I asking too much? It was much harder than I thought. We were married at twenty-six, so from that time on we were sexually active, no birth control and, yes, the thirty mark was coming closer. That is why I wanted to get checked out. I was around twenty-nine when I began seeing doctors for treatments. We gave it three years of “let’s just see what happens.” It was time at least for me to know what was going on inside. We procrastinated a lot because deep down we wanted it to just happen naturally.
I finally convinced myself that my husband and I had to see a specialist. Scary, but the reality these days is INFERTILITY is the new CANCER. It’s not openly spoken about but it’s reality for some. Infertility back in the 80’s was like a sin, but now in the new millennium it’s like a secret sin, accepted a little more but still not talked about! It’s as if you have a profanity written on your forehead, walking around, and everybody stares. That’s how I felt sometimes, as if everyone knew what was going on! It was really none of anyone’s business.
Chapter II - The Beginning of Change
So it began, a reproductive specialist was what we needed. The first
specialist we saw was primarily so I could hear what I wanted to hear. I made the appointment to get information out of him, and after hearing what I didn’t want to hear about starting all kinds of testing, I didn’t follow through. It made it easy not to follow through since he was located far from where we lived. I was also in denial that I really had to do this. Maybe I would become pregnant next month so I waited to see and… NOT PREGNANT! Now I decided to see a new ob/gyn in my neighborhood. I was lucky enough to find an ob/gyn that was a fertility specialist as well. So this was great. I killed two birds with one stone and made the appointment. Again, it was another test of feeling the doctor out. He did my regular pap, breast exam…the usual. Then it came to the talk in the room. Since he was an infertility specialist, I had a brief consult with him. He discussed that if we were having unprotected sex for over a year, it was time to consider doing some tests. We had already been married for three years, always unprotected sex, just being a newly married couple. He explained that there would be blood tests, internal sonograms, and for my husband a semen analysis with blood tests. Again, I just couldn’t go any further…I still had my hopes and dreams that I would become pregnant naturally without going through any treatments. Well, I was wrong. Here it was, three-and-a-half years later, I’m miserable, everyone around me is pregnant or pregnant again and I’m still NOT PREGNANT! The thirty mark has come and gone…and still no baby! Several conversations and arguments later, my husband and I finally decided too much time had passed and we needed to follow through on treatments this time. I think he also became frustrated with me every month. My period would come and I would cry and carry on, rant and rave about why everyone else is pregnant and we can’t get pregnant! I was a complete animal. It would be like the midnight hour, the red would shine through and I would go ballistic. I hated everyone and they had better not come near. Being a true Gemini didn’t help as I could turn so fast. PMS combined with a bleeding vagina for a week and not getting pregnant…you can only imagine how I got. Most women can relate. So again I needed to change my ob/gyn. I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable with the previous one since I never followed through with the testing.
I found another doctor. He came straight from the insurance book, no referrals…no nothing…just a name; let’s call him Dr. Hope. How bad can he be? I made an appointment for a regular checkup. I was nervous but three times a charm. The office setting was inviting, clean, friendly and I knew where the bathroom was. I got a regular pap and breast exam. The doctor spoke to me before the exam to introduce himself since I was a new patient and then again after the exam. In the consult room he got some medical information and then he asked if I planned on having children. I replied yes, but then felt I had to fill him in on my story. I explained that all the doctors I saw had mentioned that if I was having unprotected sex for more than one year and not conceiving, that we should be tested. So he gave me two prescriptions: a two-month dose of Clomid along with regular sex and a prescription for a semen analysis for my husband. He said that it couldn’t hurt and it
might help. Then he recommended a reproductive endocrinologist. He said that he used them with his wife when they were having trouble conceiving. He said that if I didn’t get pregnant after the two-month dose of Clomid, to make an appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. I had a good feeling about Dr. Hope. He made me feel very comfortable. I went home, spoke with my husband, and we took his advice. He calmed me down and made me feel like this could happen. Of course we were hoping that with the Clomid and regular sex I would just magically get pregnant, but in the back of my head, I knew.
I began the Clomid with regular sex. One month came and went along with lots of tears and hot flashes, NOT PREGNANT! Then the next month came and went with a puddle of tears, NOT PREGNANT AGAIN! The two months that I was taking medication while having sex was also a big flop. Funny how I call it sex and not making love…it was a lot of pressure. How do you not think during sex, “Wow, this is it--this medication and sex are going to make me pregnant!” So much was at stake, along with the enormous amounts of pressure and emotions. A time bomb, if you ask me. After the two months of meds and not becoming pregnant, I did feel a breakdown coming on. I was able to hold on, take a few deep breaths and move forward. I have no idea how. During this difficult time there were also more obstacles of baby showers and more pregnancy announcements. They were difficult, but I just had to smile and hold back all my tears until later.
Chapter III – Hold On…Help Me
After much procrastination, my husband and I decided to start with the reproductive endocrinologist recommended by Dr. Hope. We started with a consult in November 2006; let’s call him Dr. Faith. We actually followed through with treatments this time. Luckily, our insurance covered most treatments and medications. They always check your coverage before starting treatments. Not all insurance companies acknowledge infertility within their plans. I remember double researching it after the doctor’s office finalized it so that I could understand it for myself. I was a bit skeptical. My husband still thought that it would happen when the time was right and that a doctor wasn’t necessary.
He went along with it, though he continued to argue with me, telling me to “relax and it will happen naturally.” I was so sick of hearing that, like hearing someone say “I’m Pregnant.” I was scared to death that he would back out of treatments after starting, but I took that chance. It does take two to make a baby or in my case, three – the doctor, my husband and I! My husband surprised me, how patient and supportive he was when we began. He dealt with my breakdowns and my mood swings very well. He moved forward with me.
The journey began now with Dr. Faith. The treatments started as we began being tested for everything from A to Z, including AIDS and STD’s. We both had a
series of blood tests. Blood tests always freaked me out but at this point it was necessary and we had to follow through. I also started on prenatal vitamins before any treatments. This was to help in the process of conceiving down the line. There was an abundance of paperwork and legalities before treatments. My husband and I went to the office for our blood tests. It was odd, seeing him at a doctor’s office since he NEVER went to the doctor. This made me feel good. He was in it for the long haul. In the back of my mind I prayed he didn’t back out. I needed him to stay focused with the treatments.
How does this happen? How do you actually get to this point? Why us? I just don’t understand--why can’t you always get what you want? Things always seem further away when you really want them. These were just some of the questions that I would ask myself. I still had no answers; I just made them up as I went along.
Chapter IV –There’s a First for Everything
Prior to our first treatment I had to have my cervical polyps removed in order for my system to be cleared to begin treatments. This would hopefully give us a better chance of conceiving. We began with IUI - Intrauterine insemination or artificial insemination. This is when the sperm is injected through a catheter on the most fertile day when the LH (luteinizing hormone) surge is reached usually the day after. This treatment began when I had to call in on Day One of my period at full flow. Like getting your period wasn’t bad enough, now you have to start with your treatments. I made an appointment to come in for Day Three of my period. I began by taking Clomid to stimulate my ovaries to produce several eggs. There were also blood tests performed to test my hormone levels and vaginal sonograms to check for egg production and the lining of the uterus. Then we used ovulation tests to get the LH surge. Once the LH surge was determined by ovulation tests or blood, we were scheduled for the insemination. The insemination was done one day after the LH surge was determined. On the day of the IUI we had sex with a sperm-safe condom that I purchased at the doctor’s office. Around 6:00 a.m. we would have sex, but I had to get his sperm there within one hour. How do you rush, feel sexy, get your sample and drive to the doctor’s office in an hour? Not easy! This was a big stress factor! Thank goodness for men’s morning syndrome. The ride to the doctor’s office could take 30 minutes without traffic and over an hour with traffic, but the early time was in our favor. I would put the sample in a sterile cup, label it and put it in a brown lunch bag. I would drive to the doctor’s with it in between my legs to keep it warm. I would
be freaked out on those mornings, trying to get it on, get ready, get the goods, clean up, get dressed and go!
I would pray not to hit traffic or get pulled over with a warm sperm specimen in between my legs. “Sorry, officer, I was speeding to get this sperm to the doctor’s office to get it injected into my vagina today in the hopes of becoming pregnant!” I would have to tell the truth and I think I would get off with no ticket. Well, thank goodness that never happened, but it would be a good line in a comedy skit.
Here we were, on time, sample in hand, and we would wait. The wait to check in the sperm was critical because it had to be in the time frame and all ID’s had to be checked. The rest of the wait was just annoying. It sounds funny to be called to check in your sperm. After checking in we would go across the hall to wait for our transfer. It can be described as a painful pap but not as bad. The anticipation was more annoying than ever. During this time of waiting, the sperm is being tested and spun.
We then finally would get called into the room. I would take my clothes off with total fear. Goose bumps all over and I never get cold. As I would quietly pray to myself and recite the Our Father, Hail Mary and made-up prayers, I would wait nervously. The team of doctors would come in and confirm all the information, making sure that I was I and my husband was he, his sperm and number matched, then we would sign and go. The sperm was then injected through a long flexible catheter through the vagina. I would feel a pinch, not much pain, just like a pap smear. Then
the nurse would say to wait about 15 minutes and lay on the table with my knees up. The table had a button that lifted my pelvic area so it would be easier for the sperm to move up further. The sperm is usually injected through the cervix into the uterus so that it doesn’t leak when you stand up. This period of time allows for too much thinking. Who would think 15 minutes of time would get you thinking, praying, singing or something, just to keep your mind off the fact that you’re sitting here on a table naked, with your knees up, waiting and hoping for the little swimmer to make it. So many times I was here, thinking and hoping, “Will this time be it?” Well, I can tell you now--the fist IUI cycle wasn’t it! Two more times after that--still no success.