Before Your Parents Move In
By Carmen Blair
Copyright 2011 Carmen Blair
Smashwords Edition
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Before Your Parents Move In
Introduction
If you are between the ages of 35 and 65 it is highly likely that you will participate in some form of caregiving or similar support of your parents in the future. This guide will give you an introduction to having your parents move in with you, and provide some practical information and suggestions to make the transition a great one for you, your parents, and the rest of your family.
Part 1 includes suggestions for beginning a conversation and a plan for caregiving that includes the people who may be involved. Part 2 has practical suggestions for preparing your house and family for caregiving.
Part 1
Take some time to think about the possibility of your parents moving in with you. How do you feel about it? Is it something you’ve always planned to do, or is the idea brand new? Do you recall having any conversations with your parents or other family members about what to do as your parents age? Have you noticed your parents aging? Consider jotting down your thoughts, or even recording them.
Talk About It
If you have a spouse or partner, take some time to talk to them about the idea of your parents moving in. Talk to your children about their thoughts and feelings. Provide the opportunity to air any concerns or questions, even if you don’t have all the answers.
Talk to your parents! What are their hopes and dreams for the future? Have they made any plans? Do they have expectations about how the family should be involved? Do they want to move in with you and your wonderful family? Also, talk to extended family – siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins – anyone who can be included in the process. Do they have suggestions? What can they offer in the form of support? Would they like to be ‘in the loop’, receiving information as plans progress?
A family meeting can be arranged, that may include your parents, extended family, and others who are close to the family. Here’s a sample agenda for a family meeting:
- What are the facts?
- What are the feelings?
- What are the finances?
- What are the options?
- What can each person offer?
- What’s the best solution?
- How can we keep connected?
A more detailed discussion can include talking about what each person’s responsibilities will be (especially if your parent will need medical care, or someone to manage their finances), how your parent’s belongings will be dealt with, and discussions about the estate and your parent’s final wishes.
A support system is very important when you are considering having parents move in. Ask for help in advance! Let the people around you know that you want them to be active in helping you, and listen with an open mind to what they are able to help with.
Plan For It
A move-in does not have to be imminent for you to begin planning. In fact, planning far in advance is a great way to prepare for the changes that are coming. Your parents do not need to be deathly ill for a move to be considered. If this is something you all want, it can be beneficial to plan for a move before illness or a crisis occurs.
Part 2
Often there will be limited options when it comes to where your parent will be staying in the house. Possibly the most important deciding factor will be the bathroom! As we age, having convenient access to bathroom facilities becomes more and more important! If at all possible, ensure that they have their own bathroom to use, even if it is just a toilet and sink. This will eliminate any conflicts between family members and parents over the washroom, provide privacy for storing personal items, and eliminate embarrassing situations or accidents. The bathroom can be fitted for added safety and ease. Contact a local medical supply/home healthcare store for suggestions and products.
Designate a separate room with a door or a clearly defined barrier between that area and the rest of the house. This space needs to be exclusively for your parents. No family belongings in there, and preferably no need to access the space for other reasons. It’s important that the space is respected as their space. Family rules should be clear about the space. For example, knock and wait for an answer before you enter, no knocking after a certain time in the evening, or when they usually rest. If there are younger children in the house who may forget about knocking first, a note can be put on the door at eye level (like a picture of a hand knocking on the door, or a stop sign), or a lock could be installed on the inside of the door.
If you do have some options for space, and the bathroom is taken care of, further considerations are accessibility, and environment. The room should be accessible both now and in the future. Choose as few stairs as possible. Have an uncluttered and easily accessible route to the room. Ensure that there is good lighting, and the light switches are easy to turn on. If you might need wheelchair accessibility in the future, plan for it now. (This can be accomplished by modifying the space, or by having a secondary space in mind that could be modified, such as a main-floor office or den.) Inside the room, try to set up an area where they can enjoy a view of the outdoors. Having something active to look at – people walking by, children playing, wildlife, or the changing seasons – is a wonderful way to help pass the time, provide interesting vistas, and even promote better mental health. Have a comfortable seating area near the window.
The bed should be placed so there’s a clear path all the way around it. There should be a light within reach that is easy to turn on. If your parent enjoys having a phone accessible, place one beside the bed. If they frequently keep in contact with friends and family by phone, install a separate line. Also consider placement of a television that can be seen and controlled from the bed and sitting area. All cords need to be safely placed where they won’t be tripped over, or caught on.
What about chores? (Yes, it’s time to talk to your parents about chores!) Who will keep the room clean? If they are able to, and want to, great! However, chances are pretty good that someone will need to compromise a bit on what ‘clean’ means. Although this is your house, and you may have an expectation about how the house should be, this expectation may be different from your parents! Try to agree on some simple guidelines that can provide a comfortable situation for both of you.
It can be quite a challenge for your parents to move from their own home to living in a room in someone else’s home – even if that someone else is their favorite child! Try to set up the room with as many comfortable reminders of home as possible. Paint the walls a favorite color, hang family photos and favorite prints on the wall, maybe even bring in Dad’s favorite recliner – no matter how unfashionable it is! If your parent is up to preparing their own snacks, place a mini-fridge, table, and kettle or microwave in their room with a few utensils and plates. The freedom to have a cup of tea and a cookie whenever they want can be very important.
Shared Space
The rules about knocking on your parent’s door should also apply to the rest of the family’s spaces. If a bedroom door is closed, they should knock and wait for an answer before entering. You may agree to keep some areas of the house off limits for parents, such as a home office or master bedroom. If there are concerns about safety or privacy, these rooms may need to be locked from the outside to ensure smooth sailing. However, keep in mind that locks are generally used as a last resort, and agreements about space, rules and privacy are preferred. In the case of dementia, locks are often a necessary part of protecting the safety of the parent, and the privacy of individual family members.
If a parent is prone to wandering, you may need to consider installing locks on the exterior doors, such as child locks that are placed high enough to be unreachable but are easy for other adults to open. There are also alarms that can be installed on doors and windows that will go off if they are opened. The ideal is not to limit freedom, but always to ensure safety and peace of mind.
Consider talking to your neighbors about your changing home life. Be brief, but honest with them about your parent. If your parent will be independently coming and going, let the neighbors know, and provide an opportunity to introduce them. This is now your parent’s neighborhood too, and encouraging a sense of belonging will help them transition. If your parent is unwell, let the neighbors know. Provide them with a note that has your contact information on it, as well as your name and your parent’s name. If there are concerns about wandering or dementia, let them know, and encourage them to give you a call if they have a concern.
Accessibility is important throughout the house. The front entrance should be well-lit, and have a clear walkway. The theme of clear walkways and good lighting carries throughout the house. Emphasize to the family the importance of keeping walking areas clear. Toys on the stairs and Lego on the floor are hazardous! Ensure that there are handrails next to all stairs. Try to avoid area rugs/carpets that slip. Look for products that provide a sure footing. In the kitchen, have cooking items that your parent uses frequently in an easy-to-reach area. Have a stool/chair handy for visiting and helping out with meals.
Clothing
No, this is not the time to teach your parents some fashion sense! You will need to discuss how you will handle laundry! Most seniors will want to take care of their own laundry. In this case, you need to agree about when they will be doing their laundry. Decide whether they will use the family laundry supplies or buy their own. Ensure they have easy access to the laundry area when it is time to do their laundry. Have all other laundry out of the way – they shouldn’t need to put your load of 15 towels in the dryer before they can do their own laundry! Consider the laundry schedule flexible, and open to adjustment as needs change.
If your parent is unable to do laundry or it’s agreed that you will do their laundry, make a plan. Will their laundry be done with the family’s, or separately? How often will you get their laundry? How soon will they need their clothes back? Who will put the clothes away? How often will things like sheets and towels be changed? Who will do this?
Eating
For the most part, having meals together as a family provides a healthy, positive environment for everyone. There may be exceptions, such as a parent who prefers to eat alone, or if interpersonal conflicts may make eating together unpleasant. If this is the case you’ll need to decide how your parent will get their meals, and when. It’s important for seniors to have regular and predictable mealtimes whenever possible. Eating together with family may become the most treasured part of the day! If you will usually eat together, ensure that you have a plan for times when you won’t be home. Perhaps have a few frozen meals ready for unexpected changes. If your parent is unable to prepare a meal on their own, consider having a neighbor or friend drop by with a meal when you won’t be home. Each family will develop slightly different solutions for mealtimes. Perhaps you will have all meals together, or just suppers. Your parent may want to make their own meals at times. Again, this will require some communication. Is the kitchen always open? Are there times when the family cook will want the kitchen to themselves? Do you need to ensure that supper tomorrow will not be eaten tonight as a late-night snack? In our family we have a rule – Grandma is welcome to bake ANYTHING at ANYTIME! It’s always a treat to have Grandma’s baking!
Diet is a key part of health and wellness for seniors. There will probably be things they cannot eat (and maybe things they shouldn’t eat – but eat anyways!). Incorporating some of these needs into the family meal plan can help them enjoy mealtimes more. When this is not possible you’ll need to experiment and develop ways to meet their dietary needs without maxing out your resources of time, money and sanity! If you will be purchasing all the groceries, prepare a checklist of items your parent prefers to always have on hand. Often these preferences are very specific, including brand and size. After a few grocery trips you’ll know where to find these, and it will be easy to include them with the family grocery shopping.
Be open to the possibilities and opportunities that this change in your family brings! Grandma’s need for fresh fruits and vegetables has helped our whole family eat healthier!
Going Out
Will your parent be dating or entertaining a special friend? (A few of you are experiencing cold sweats all of a sudden – try to keep it together…!) Have an honest talk about this, and agree on some boundaries that will respect everyone involved. You may need to have a talk with the kids, too!
As far as the other kind of going out – outings, shopping, and trips – being prepared is important. Does your parent have special needs that you need to consider before going out? Do they need medications at certain times? Do they need to eat at certain times? Do you need to bring special food for them? Even a short shopping trip will go smoother with some planning. If you have younger children it may be better to plan shopping and appointments with your parent that do not include the children. You can only stretch so far! Expect most things to take longer than you plan. Rushing increases stress and decreases enjoyment. Take the time to get to know where the public washrooms are along any shopping route you’ll be taking – this is very important!
While your parents are still able, traveling as an extended family can be a wonderful way to create memories! Plan ahead, take your time, and enjoy being together!
Merging Schedules, Enhancing Relationships
It may take some time to work out the right ‘fit’ when including a new permanent member of the family. Consider a few possibilities for enhancing your relationship with your parent. Perhaps plan to have coffee together once a week, have a favorite show you watch together, or even make a meal together if it’s something you enjoy. Incorporating them into family activities can be meaningful. Grandparents can make a significant contribution to the family by helping with homework, reading with younger children, and playing games. Use your imagination, take advantage of opportunities, and find creative ways to make life together positive for everyone.
Be sure to have a plan for tracking activities and appointments, especially if you’re needed as a driver or companion. In our house Grandma makes sure that her appointments are written on our family calendar, and our activities are written on her calendar. (She’s also great at giving me little reminders when her appointments are coming up!) Regardless of how you do it, make sure you have a method for noting, tracking, and remembering these. Again, keep in mind that it may take extra time to get to the vehicle, stop for washroom breaks, and make your way into buildings and offices. Being in a rush leads to stress and accidents, so do your best to leave extra time. If you’re bringing children along, plan for activities and snacks so that long waits don’t become painful. You can only play ‘I Spy’ for so long!
You will also need to be conscious of making time for your family. You need time together alone, and this is best if it’s clearly communicated right from the start. If you have a spouse or partner, you’ll need time together to talk about hopes, dreams, concerns, and boundaries. Agree to support and encourage each other, and to make the best of the situation. Look for the ways that this change makes your whole family better. When there are challenges, take the time to communicate and find solutions that will work for everyone. A family counsellor or another caregiver may be helpful in finding creative solutions. Family meetings can be a great way to make sure everyone’s voice is heard.
Extended Family
Include extended family as much as possible. Ask them how they can contribute to the caregiving journey – both by supporting your parent, and by supporting you. Perhaps they can welcome your parent into their home for visits, or, if they live close, they can contribute to driving, shopping, and outings. Maybe they can provide meals, yard maintenance, or a much-needed night out! Be creative, and enjoy the opportunity to enhance your relationships! Keeping open lines of communication is important. Some possibilities for keeping in touch are a family Facebook group with regular updates, or an online calendar that everyone near and far can access. If your family is large, perhaps have one person you can contact with updates, and this person can be responsible for letting everyone else know.
Keeping Your Sanity
Regardless of how much you love your parents, having them move in creates added challenges to your family life as well as your personal life. Often you will be one of the key links that keeps the whole family together! Never never never underestimate your need for rest and recuperation!!!!! You MUST plan time for yourself!!! Take care of your health, know when to say ‘No’, and have at least a little bit of ‘you’ time every day. Yes, every day! It is not uncommon for caregivers to have a sudden failure in health because they have neglected their own needs for far too long. Now you’re talking major stress, and it is simply not worth it. Do you have something you really enjoy doing? Keep doing it! Create some strategies for relaxing, and book them into your schedule! Do your best to maintain a social life, and to enjoy the company of others both within, and outside of your home. If you don’t have a social life – get one! You’ll be a better caregiver for it! Go on dates, hang out with your kids, call a friend, and get some fresh air!
Getting Help
You cannot do this alone. Accept that fact, and move towards a more enjoyable life! Extended family has already been mentioned as a form of support. There are also numerous other forms of support available. Find a local caregivers support group. This connection with others sharing your journey can be priceless. They may also have suggestions on accessing other forms of support. Ask your church/community organizations for information on support services for seniors and caregivers. Google ‘home support’ and your location and you are bound to come up with some resources. The field of geriatric medicine is focused on the care of seniors, and can also be a resource, especially in larger communities. Ask your family doctor where you can access support. There are also online support groups and resources.
Avoid setting up a situation where you are the only person who can care for your parent. This is not healthy for you or your parent. If personal/health care is part of the daily routine, have other friends or family members who help out and can take over, or have a care worker who can carry this responsibility with you. Throw guilt out the window and refuse to let it back in! You are one of many adults in a caregiving situation. You are not alone, but you may need to put a bit of work into finding your support system. In the long run, this is the best set-up for everyone involved! Surround yourself with encouraging, supportive people – and then joyfully accept their encouragement and support!
Congratulations!
The opportunity to care for your parents in your home can be a wonderful experience for the whole family! Taking the time to plan ahead and keep open communication with family and friends will ensure an easier transition for everyone involved. Knowing ahead of time what needs to be done in your home, and what is expected by both you and your parents will lead to peace of mind, and even anticipation for the future!
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About the author:
Carmen began her caregiving journey at 12 years old, when her father’s Parkinson’s disease required him to be admitted to long term care. Along with her mother Laura, she was able to experience firsthand the challenges of creating the best life possible for a loved one with declining health. It was also at this time that she began to develop a passion for in-home care of parents, as opposed to institutional care.
Today, she is honored to have her mother living with her, and her passion for caregiving has continued to grow. She incorporates this into her work as a Professional Organizer whenever possible.
Carmen lives near Calgary Alberta with her four children and her mother. You can find her on Facebook, as well as on her Facebook business page, Dynamic Family Solutions – Canada. Feel free to message her, or email dynamicfamilysolutions@gmail.com.
Carmen and Laura, Spring 2011
Connect Online:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Dynamic-Family-Solutions-Canada/149111895152880