THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE IN FAMILIES, VOLUME 4: 250 ANECDOTES
By David Bruce
Dedicated with Love to Rex, Brenda, and Carey
Many thanks to Ed Venrick for the front cover.
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Cover Art
Top Photograph: Kiss on the Cheek
Photographer: Edyta Pawlowska
Agency: Dreamstime.com
Bottom Illustration: Two Hearts
Illustrator: Alice Dehaven~herden
Agency: Dreamstime.com
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The Funniest People in Families, Volume 4: 250 Anecdotes
Chapter 1: From Advertising to Education
Advertising
• In 1982, MCI produced a TV commercial that made fun of AT&T’s commercial in which a mother begins crying because her grown-up son called “just because I love you.” In the MCI commercial, a mother begins crying after her son calls. Why? She says, “Have you seen our long-distance phone bill?” At a conference, the advertising company suggesting doing a version of the commercial in which the mother would say that the “greedy, blood-sucking monopoly had drained the family resources.” The then-chair of MCI, Bill McCowan, liked the idea, but suggested that they come up with a stronger word than “blood-sucking.”
• Edsel Ford of the famous Ford family had the ability to recognize good advertising, and he had the ability to make up his mind quickly. He once read five full-page ads for the Ford Motor Company, then said, “I think they will do all right. I have one change I’d like to suggest. In one of the advertisements, I see you use the word ‘perfect.’ I think it would be better to say ‘correct.’ Nothing is perfect.”
Alcohol
• Late in life, Sir Wilfred Lawson disliked alcohol and supported legislation against drinking. However, when he was a university student he had a barrel of beer in his room. Unfortunately, this was against the rules and he was called up before the university authorities, where he made the case that he was drinking the beer under doctor’s orders so he could become stronger. As proof that he was indeed becoming stronger, he said, “When the barrel came, I could not move it an inch; but now I find that I can quite easily roll it around the room.”
• Dodger pitcher Preacher Roe drank too much one night, and when the designated driver dropped him off at his home, Preacher was singing as loudly as he could. The next day, he told the designated driver that he was surprised that his wife had woken up when he came home—after all, he had remembered to take off his shoes before coming into his house.
• Travelers must often be problem solvers. While traveling in Russia, Betty Clabaugh (the sister of Doris Jadan, wife of tenor Ivan Jadan) knew that she shouldn’t drink the water. Therefore, she brushed her teeth with champagne.
Animals
• Children’s book author Peg Kehret and her husband, Carl, volunteer at a Humane Society. One day, they met Daisy, a six-month-old Cairn terrier (just like Toto in The Wizard of Oz), and fell in love with her. However, they already had a cat and a dog, so they thought that they ought to go home and discuss whether to adopt Daisy. Actually, they didn’t have to go home to make their decision. They talked it over for a few minutes in the parking lot, and then they adopted Daisy. Now, when Daisy gets in her doggie bed to go to sleep, Peg sings her a doggie lullaby—something they both enjoy.
• In the early years of the 20th century, an old man lived in McLeansboro, Illinois. He desperately wanted to get married, and he kept track of all the eligible females in town, and proposed marriage to them one by one, being rejected each time. To one woman, he tried to sweeten the offer of marriage, saying, “I’ll tell you what. If you’ll marry me, I’ll buy you a Shetland pony.” (The bribe didn’t work; the old man remained unmarried.)
• Albert McDennis, a law-abiding citizen in New York City, was walking his dog, and in accordance with city pooper-scooper laws, he cleaned up his dog’s waste and put it in a bag. Unfortunately, a man mugged him. Fortunately, the mugger demanded the bag, which Mr. McDennis quickly handed over. Later, Mr. McDennis said, “He must be New York’s dumbest mugger.”
• Michael Thomas Ford’s Uncle Dick maintained a graveyard for family pets. For each dearly departed pet, he fashioned a tombstone, on which he wrote such epitaphs as these: “MUFFIN 1960-1966: CATS HAVE NINE LIVES; HE GAVE UP AFTER SIX” and “AMY 1970-1984: A FAST DOG, BUT THE CAR WAS FASTER.”
• When comedian Jack Benny was a kid, he was practicing his violin when a passing dog stopped and began howling mournfully. Jack’s father tolerated the noise for a few minutes, then asked his son, “Can’t you play some piece the dog doesn’t know?”
• An epitaph at the Aspen Hill Cemetery for Pets in Rockville, Maryland, says, “Major. Born a dog. Died a gentleman.”
April Fools Day
• In 1868, William Pinkerton, the son of famous detective Allan Pinkerton, arrested four members of the bank-robbing Reno Gang on the day before April Fools Day and put them in jail. That night, the gang members kicked a hole in the wall and escaped, leaving this message over the hole they had made: “APRIL FOOL.”
Authors
• Children’s book author David A. Adler started creating early in his life by telling Susan, his youngest sister, stories when she was young. What was her favorite story? It was a story about a girl who did something unusual—she planted flowers in her shoes. In addition to storytelling, he wrote articles he published in his own newspaper; unfortunately, he sold only one copy—to his parents. After Mr. Adler grew up and had been teaching for a while, Donnie, a two-and-a-half-year-old nephew, visited him and asked him question after question, not even waiting to hear the answer to a question before asking another question. After Donnie’s visit, the grown-up Mr. Adler wrote down some of Donnie’s questions, which became the genesis of Mr. Adler’s first book, A Little at a Time. Of course, some books are harder to write than other books, and when Mr. Adler has trouble writing, he looks at a sign that hangs over his writing desk: “DON’T THINK! JUST WRITE!”
• Jean Lee Leeuwen, a writer of children’s books, tends to involve her family in her writing. For example, Bruce, her husband, is a mechanical engineer. When she needed to write about a cat trap in a book she wrote about mice, he designed one. In addition, she observed the antics of her children, David and Elizabeth, and when she had enough stories about them, she put them in some stories starring Oliver and Amanda Pig. David contributed in other ways as well. He advised her about food fights and football, and as a grown-up professional photographer, he photographed her for Growing Ideas, her short autobiography for young children. A benefit of having her as his mother is that David can list on his resume that he is the original of Oliver Pig.
• Family and storytelling are very important to children’s book author and illustrator Patricia Polacco. When she and her brother were children, their Ukrainian grandmother, aka their babushka, told stories in front of the fireplace, an activity she called “firetalking.” These stories were of magic and mystery, and always one of the children would ask, “Bubby, is that a true story?” Always, she would reply, “Of course it’s true—but it may not have happened.” This firetalking still continues in Ms. Polacco’s family today, and often Ms. Polacco is the one first taking a turn at firetalking and then replying to the usual question, “Of course it’s true—but it may not have happened.”
• When J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books, was very young, she told a made-up story to her younger sister, Dianne. J.K.’s story was about a little girl named “Di” who was rescued by a family of rabbits after she fell down a rabbit hole. The family of rabbits fed little Di strawberries. Young Dianne enjoyed hearing the story, but she was annoyed when J.K. would change one of the details or add something different. Therefore, in order to keep all the details consistent when she told the story to her sister, J.K. wrote down the story.
• After Betty Friedan’s book, The Feminine Mystique, became a best seller, she celebrated by buying a dishwater and new clothes—and by hiring a crew to paint her living room bright purple.
Birth
• At the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, Bill Havens of Arlington, Virginia, was favored to win a medal as part of the U.S. Rowing Team. However, he discovered that his wife was pregnant and was scheduled to give birth at the time the Olympic Games would be held. Friends and family urged him to go to the Olympics, but he decided to be with his wife when she gave birth, and so he passed up his chance to win an Olympic medal. In 1952, he received a telegram from the Olympic Games in Helsinki, Finland. The telegram said, “Thanks for waiting around for me to get born in 1924. I’m coming home with the gold medal that you should have won.” Frank Havens, Bill’s son, had won the gold medal in a rowing event: the singles 10,000-meter canoeing race.
• When ballerina Maria Tallchief was giving birth to Elise, her daughter, her labor pains were intense and she moaned with pain. Her husband, with a straight face, told her, “Now, Maria, tell me when it hurts.” During a pause in the contractions, she laughed.
Children
• In 1994, 15-year-old Brandy, aka Brandy Norwood, hit it big with her self-titled debut album, which sold millions of copies. However, she had been singing long before that, making her solo debut at age two in her church in Brookhaven, Mississippi, then singing in her bedroom in front of an audience of dolls. At age 14, she auditioned for Atlantic Records, a major record label. The crowd of VIPs at the audition talked while she was singing, so she told them, “You’re being rude.” They quieted down, she sang, and her singing won her a contract—and her first album made both her and Atlantic Records a lot of money. Brandy had her mother to take care of her while she was a young singer. In 1995, when Brandy was 16, she started touring with the group Boyz to Men, a quartet, and she liked Boyz to Men member Wanya Morris. However, Brandy’s mother let it be known that Mr. Morris had better wait until Brandy was 18 years old to ask her out; otherwise, Boyz to Men would quickly become a trio. No fool, Mr. Morris waited until Brandy was 18 years old, then he asked her out.
• When children’s book author Patricia McKissack was growing up, sometimes one of her grandmothers, whom she called Mama Sarah, told her scary stories in the twilight. Sometimes, of course, young Patricia and other kids would be playing in the twilight—a time they called “The Dark Thirty.” Why did they call it by that name? Because they knew that they had thirty minutes to get home before it grew dark enough for monsters to come out of hiding. As an adult, Ms. McKissack wrote the Newbery Honor Book The Dark Thirty: Southern Tales of the Supernatural. Mama Sarah was very proud both of her granddaughter and because her granddaughter had dedicated the book to her. One of her grandfathers told young Patricia stories about a young heroine who had her name: Pat. This young heroine could outwit foxes and catch the wind and do other marvelous things. As an adult, Ms. McKissack wrote the books Flossie and the Fox and Mirandy and Brother Wind. She says that it’s easy to tell where the ideas for those books came from.
• Children’s book author George Ella Lyon says that she was a “wordful child” when she was growing up. According to her family, she started talking before she started walking. When she was four years old, her family took a trip to San Francisco, where they stayed at the Pickwick Hotel. Her father held her up so she could see the streets of San Francisco, but what she remembers about the view is the big hotel sign bearing the word “PICKWICK.” As soon as she could, she began to write. She remembers her first poem. To write the poem she used her imagination to picture a magic bicycle; in fact, she says that she used her imagination so much that “my eyeballs hurt.” Of course, she was a normal child who loved words but also loved other things. For example, at eight years of age she and a friend started a cat rescue service. When a cat or a kitten was missing, they would climb trees and search attics to find it.
• Notre Dame football coach Knute Rockne was a family man. One day Billy, his young son, came into the Rockne home very dirty from hours of play. Knute asked his son, “How old are you?” Billy replied, “I’m seven years old.” Knute then said, “I don’t believe it. No boy could get that dirty in only seven years!” Knute once promised young Mary Jeanne, his daughter, “something for your neck” for her birthday present. Of course, she immediately thought of a necklace, but when she came home one day with a dirty neck after playing outside, Knute joked, “Now I know what to give you for your neck—a cake of soap.” And in 1930, Jackie, his four-year-old, kicked a football. Unfortunately, he kicked it in the living room and shattered a chandelier. Knute told the boy, “That’s good, son. You kicked that ball well.”
• Even when Bettye Naomi Goldstein was a very young girl, she was a very good organizer. For example, she organized the Gummy-Gummy Club and the Baddy-Baddy Club at school. Members of the Gummy-Gummy Club chewed gum at the same time, even during class, where gum was not allowed. Members of the Baddy-Baddy Club did naughty things, such as “accidentally” dropping a book on the floor during class. When the principal learned about the Baddy-Baddy Club, he told Bettye, “You have a talent for leadership.” He also suggested that she find a better way to use it. She did. As Betty Friedan, she became one of the co-founders of the National Organization of Women.
• When children’s book author and illustrator Karla Kuskin was four years old, she had a lot of toys and clothes and a very messy room. One day, her annoyed mother told her to clean up her room, so young Karla shoved everything (toys, clothes, desk, chair, table, and lamp; in fact, everything except her bed) into her closet. (It was a large closet.) Then she shut the closet door and called her mother to see her clean room. Karla exclaimed, “See how neat my room is!” Her mother laughed, delighting young Karla.
• While R.C. “Rudy” Gorman was in the 1st grade, he liked to draw with crayons. One day, his teacher looked at his artwork and, shocked, she asked him what he had drawn. He said that he had drawn a lady. This was true, but the lady wasn’t wearing any clothing. His teacher spanked him, and then she sent him home to show the drawing to his mother. Rudy’s mother looked at it, then she spanked him, too. As an adult, Mr. Gorman became an important artist whose artworks, including nudes, are in great demand.
• Children sometimes play games that we may prefer that they not know enough to play. For example, Katherine Seligman raised her son and daughter in the Haight-Ashbury district of San Francisco. One day, her four-year-old son sat on the curb and told her, “I’m pretending I’m homeless.” Actually, most of their neighbors have been very good, although the neighborhood does have transients and she has had to teach her children whom it’s OK to talk to and whom they should avoid.
• When she was very little, granddaughter Kaulini was the best-ever critic of children’s book author and illustrator Thomas Locker. Whenever he showed her a painting he had created, she would look at it and say, “Oh, wow!” And whenever he showed her a book he had created, she would look at it and say, “Oh, wow!” By the way, you can see photographs of Thomas Locker and his best-ever critic in Mr. Locker’s short autobiography—written for children—The Man Who Paints Nature.
• John Waters, aka the Prince of Puke, is the movie director of such cult gross-outs as Pink Flamingos. As a child, he played Car Accident, a game in which he wrecked his toy cars, then made up dialogue for the bloody and screaming and dying imaginary people in the cars and for the bystanders: “OH, MY GOD, THERE’S BEEN A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT!” He once pleaded to his mother, “Please take me to the junkyard!” She did.
• Geoff Hilton, a young family friend of science fiction writer Anne McCaffrey, was noted for insulting Barbara, his sister. At a dinner during which Geoff had steadily been insulting Barbara, Anne said, “But, Geoff, we all know that the English insult only those they really love.” Geoff thought this over for a moment, then turned to his sister and said, “Barbara, dear, have I told you how marvelous you look?”
• When choreographer George Balanchine was a child growing up in Russia, sugar was expensive and so his mother bought little candy, and the little candy she did buy, she kept locked up and doled out one piece at a time. This may have led to Mr. B’s sweet tooth as an adult. According to Mr. Balanchine, “I used to say to myself: when I grow up, I am going to eat as much sugar and candy as possible.”
• While in high school, oceanographer Jacques Cousteau was bored, so he broke 17 windows. The high-school authorities were unimpressed by his explanation for his misdeed—he said that he had wanted the windows to look like they had been shot out by a band of marauding cowboys. His parents immediately sent him to a strict boarding school where he matured and improved his grades.
• Erma Bombeck used to lie to her librarian. When Ms. Bombeck was a small child, she often went to the public library and filled up a bag with books to take home and read. Whenever the librarian warned her that a book was too old for her, Ms. Bombeck would lie and say that it was for her mother. Later in life, Ms. Bombeck said that she never regretted lying to the librarian.
• Teenage boys sometimes try to appear macho. Brett, the son of Quaker humorist Tim Mullen, once dressed in an getup that included a shirt that was open to his waist and a chain from which was suspended a macho medallion which resembled a razor blade. Martha, his sister, looked at him and said, “O.H.O.C.” Brett asked what that meant, and Martha replied, “One Hair On Chest.”
• Jerry Mathers was eight years old when he auditioned for a role in the TV series Leave It to Beaver. During the audition, he squirmed around a lot, and when the show’s producers, Bob Mosher and Joseph Connelly, asked what was wrong, he said, “I gotta go to my Cub Scout meeting.” They liked the boyishness of the answer and hired him as the Beaver.
• As a child, computer pioneer Grace Hopper was inquisitive. One day, her mother discovered that Grace had taken apart all seven alarm clocks in the house. Grace explained that she had taken apart one alarm clock to see how it worked, but she couldn’t get it back together, so she had taken apart another one, and so on until all seven alarm clocks lay in pieces.
• Football and basketball referee Ike Craig of Libertyville, Illinois, liked to tell this story about his son, who stood up to a bully. His son told the bully, “I’m not afraid of you, but if I fight you, my Dad will find out and I’ll get a spanking.” The bully asked, “How will he find out?” Mr. Craig’s son replied, “He’ll see the doctor going to your house.”
• When she was eight years old, Marjorie Weinman Sharmat, author of the children’s book Gila Monsters Meet You at the Airport, became a journalist. She and a friend snooped on their neighbors so they could write and publish The Snooper’s Gazette, which achieved a circulation of exactly four: her parents and her friend’s parents.
• On June 18, 1983, Sally Ride became the first American woman in space. As a child, she had visited Disneyland when it sold tickets marked with various letters—the letter “E” was used for the most exciting rides. After being launched into space, Ms. Ride told Mission Control, “This is definitely an ‘E’ ticket.”
• When he was six years old, child prodigy John von Neumann joked with his father—in Greek! He enjoyed reading, and he refused to get a haircut unless his mother let him take a history book to the barbershop. As an adult, he created the “architecture” that allows computers to store programs.
• When photographer Margaret Bourke-White was married to author Erskine Caldwell, they worked together on a book titled You Have Seen Their Faces and dedicated it to Patricia. Patricia didn’t really exist—she was the daughter they hoped to have together but never did.
• According to comic Sam Levenson, kids used to believe that if you bought chocolate boy babies instead of chocolate girl babies, you got more chocolate.
Christmas
• Perhaps the best TV series ever to be cancelled after its first year is My So-Called Life, which starred a 14-year-old Claire Danes. Its Christmas episode (“So-Called Angels”) featured a homeless gay teen who is discovered by Angela (Claire Danes’ character) after he has been beaten. The gay teen character is named Rickie Vasquez, and he is played by Wilson Cruz, whose life shared some similarities with the character. For example, Mr. Cruz is gay, and he was kicked out of his home after coming out to his family at Christmas because he wanted to be an out actor on My So-Called Life. This story does have a happy ending because his father saw the episode. As Mr. Cruz tells the story, “Two months (after shooting), when it aired, my father saw it on TV. We hadn’t spoken for a year. He called me after watching it. This episode is the reason why I have a relationship with my father today. I came out to my parents because of the show, and the thing that brought me back together with them was the show.”
• Broadway producer Florenz “Flo” Ziegfeld loved Patricia, his only child, and he bought her whatever he thought would make her happy. One day, Morris Schlesinger, the owner of a Shubert theater, told him that he had seen a special toy in a department store window. Mr. Ziegfeld and Mr. Schlesinger went to the department store to look at the “toy,” but it turned out to be an advertising display that was not for sale: a life-size figure of comedian Charlie Chaplin dressed as the Tramp with baggy pants, too-tight coat, cane, and oversized shoes. Although it was not for sale, Mr. Ziegfeld asked the department store manager, “How much?” The manager named a price of $650, an exorbitant figure in the early 20th century. Mr. Ziegfeld paid the money and gave the life-size figure to Patricia for Christmas.
• Many women find themselves under stress during the Christmas season, and many women have found unusual, but effective, ways of dealing with that stress. Linda Blair, a psychologist, recommends getting out of the house for at least half an hour each day during the Christmas season. For example, exercising for half an hour away from your house is a good way to relieve stress. Of course, you can do other things with that half hour. Ms. Blair says that “one year I spent my half hour shouting, ‘I hate this situation.’ I came back to my inlaws with a huge smile on my face. I don’t know what they thought I’d just done.”
Clothing
• When Tomie dePaola’s mother, Flossie, was growing up, she and her favorite cousin, Mabel, would go swimming in the ocean. However, Mabel liked to go swimming without any clothes on, so she and Flossie would find a deserted spot on the beach and wade deep into the water. Mabel would take off her bathing suit under water, give it to Flossie to hold onto, swim naked for a while, then return to Flossie. Tomie, who was in the 2nd grade, liked hearing stories about Mabel. He once asked his mother, “Did you ever think about tricking Cousin Mabel and going back to the beach with her bathing suit?” Tomie’s mother replied, “Are you kidding? She would have killed me!” However, Tomie’s mother may have thought about doing exactly that, because she laughed and laughed when she answered Tomie’s question.
• Johann Heinrich Pestalozzi (1746-1827) was a Swiss educator and reformer, but he was very careless about the way he dressed. One day, poorly dressed as usual like a beggar, he was arrested by a police officer who thought that he was a tramp and possibly dangerous. The police officer took Mr. Pestalozzi before a judge, who recognized him and greeted him warmly. Of course, the police officer was embarrassed, but Mr. Pestalozzi gave him some money and told him, “You have done your duty.”
• Back in the old days, people were very sensitive about things that seem very innocent today. Quaker humorist Tom Mullen remembers his grandmother hanging up the family laundry on a clothesline. She used to hang the underwear inside pillowcases to hide it from inquisitive eyes.
Crime
• Fashion maven Janet Charlton opened a clothing store—where she gleefully tormented shoplifters. Whenever she caught a shoplifter, she would handcuff the guilty person to the desk in her office, then ask the guilty person for twice what the shoplifted item was worth. If the guilty person did not have the money, she would allow the guilty person one telephone call to contact someone who would bring over the money. If the guilty person was not able to call someone who would bring over the money, she would call the police, and when the police took the guilty person away, she would yell at the guilty person in the street: “CRIME DOESN’T PAY!”
• Some people are very honest. In Fort Wayne, Indiana, police wanted to see how honest the citizens were, so they put a new TV set in a car with an unlocked door, then hid and kept watch over the car for a couple of weeks. A police officer reported, “People walked past the car, looked at the TV, opened the door, put the lock button down, closed the door, and walked on. Nobody tried to take the TV.”
Dance
• When Balanchine ballerina Allegra Kent was in the 7th grade, she shocked her classmates by asking a boy to dance with her at a school party. He said yes, making her very happy, because he moved well, and she liked always to have good dance partners. Years later, in 1985, when she was a famous ballerina, she wrote, “I’ve danced with Mikhail Beryshnikov, Erik Bruhn, Edward Villella, Peter Martins, Jacques d’Amboise, and David McCrea.” The first five names belong to famous dancers; the sixth name belongs to the boy she danced with in the 7th grade.
• Teenage girls can be incredibly smart. For example, comedian Lewis Black attended both his junior and his senior proms in high school. For each prom, he had a different date. For each prom, he started going with the girl shortly before the prom, and she dumped him shortly after the prom. Mr. Black says, “Coincidence? I think not.”
Death
• Because of bans on gay marriages, even gays and lesbians in committed relationships run into problems. For example, Dana and Kelsey were in a committed lesbian relationship for 17 years—a relationship that ended only with Kelsey’s death from cancer. Kelsey’s parents had disowned her for many years, but in her final weeks of life they arrived on the scene and ordered the hospital to ban Dana from seeing Kelsey, despite Kelsey’s wish to see her. Fortunately, because of a kind night shift, Dana was able to sneak into Kelsey’s hospital room at night and visit her. When Kelsey died, her parents went to the home of Dana and Kelsey and took away Kelsey’s possessions—and Dana’s. However, Dana was able to get revenge on Kelsey’s parents for the way they had treated her. When the hospital telephoned Dana about paying tens of thousands of dollars of medical debt not covered by Kelsey’s insurance, Dana replied, “I’m not family. You need to call Kelsey’s parents.”
• A woman lost all of her material possessions, and she was ordered to appear before the King. She was worried about what the King would say to her, and she asked three friends to go with her when she appeared before the King. The first friend said that he would not go with her to see the King. The second friend said that he would go with her to the palace, but that he would not go with her inside the palace to see the King. The third friend said that he would go with her to see the King and that he would plead for the King to show kindness to her. In this parable, the woman is a human being who has died and so has lost all her material possessions. The first friend symbolizes her wealth, which will not go with her after she dies. The second friend symbolizes her family, who will go with her only as far as her gravesite. The third friend symbolizes her good deeds, which will plead for her before God.