Quitting
by Robert L. Seaton
annotated by Glenn Morison and Virginia Howard
An honest work of fiction! I loved it! Well written!
Miriam Toews (Author of The Flying Troutmans and other titles)
Quitting is a seductively simple read for the first few pages then you realize it is a literary ambush by a complex, multi-layered and kaleidoscopic work.
John Ishmael (Author of The Black Bug, Chosen World and other titles)
Like the act itself, Quitting can be tough, but it can also change your life for the better.
Scott Sharplin (English Department, University College of Cape Breton)
Quitting
Glenn Morison
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 Glenn Morison
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Virginia Howard's Introduction
In 1979, the first year of his Master's degree at York University, Robert Seaton published a paper in which he brought the field of Grounded Theory to bear on the reasons people are hesitant to use non traditional alternatives to the banking system. Grounded Theory had arisen in California in the early 1970s in the field of Social Psychology. Most science is experimentation that seeks to either support or disprove theories or hypotheses. Grounded theory inverts this process. Data is collected and as it is analyzed theories and explanations emerge. Put another way, data is collected in response to the understandings that emerge. This is why it is called, by some, emergent theory. Robert spoke to me often of the 1981 conference at UCLA where he was invited to speak. Both [Barney] Glaser and [Anselm] Strauss, the two biggest names in the movement, attended his presentation. Robert was the very first to publish a Grounded Theory paper in the field of Economics. He wasn't the last one but very few others ever followed and the whole school of thought, while it still passionately adhered to by some, particularly in public health, has passed its apex. Those who knew Robert said he looked like he had a limitless career in front of him as the seminal Grounded Theorist in Economics. By the time I met Robert when we were both doing Doctoral work at Ohio State University, he had switched his prime interest away from alternative economies and towards the economics of sport. Robert's colleagues, at the University of Toronto where he taught from 1992 to 2005, told me that only on very rare occasions would he refer to this false start. It was very odd indeed, then, to see Robert spend the entire year of 2005 engaged in a Grounded Theory study of the quitting and his extension of the voluntary simplicity movement. While his journal's title is simply "Quitting: Is more better?" he unquestionably sets out with a grounded theory approach. His quest involved quitting something new and different, every day for 365 days. He acknowledges that he is not free of motivation or choice but, unmistakably, it was his intention to keep the journal for a year and exercise patience in developing categories, trends and general implications in any formal way. In publishing his journal we hope to share the value of the courageous and important undertaking of 2005 that Robert leaves as part of his rich and varied legacy.
Glenn Morison, Baltimore, MD June 1, 2008
Bob was a good man, a devoted husband and a wonderful father who lost his way. Like a fine ball of wool that retains its quality but is no longer of much use when it becomes inextricably tangled, Bob was not going to return to his previous form. For many years, our marriage was a delight with new adventures and opportunities coming our way in a constant barrage. It wasn't until Bob’s birthday in 2003 when we saw the first signs that something was wrong. He said he was missing his mother and feeling a little down but his birthday had always been a day for Bob to be at his playful best. In fact, just the previous year, Bob had led us all on a treasure hunt of his life by placing clues all over the house about what he had done at various ages to arrive at his 46th birthday. Andre and Rebecca loved it. However for birthday number 47, Bob took the day off work and slept almost the entire day. He looked awful and hardly even thanked our children for the gifts they had made for him. They were devastated not to mention terribly confused. As things progressed, between Bob's unprocessed grief, abuse of prescription drugs and his career disappointments we became estranged. Bob's journal of 2005 chronicles the final stages of our separation. The entire year was and remains phenomenally painful for me. Bob avoided the past by reducing it to anecdotes. Bob avoided the present with his use of painkillers by numbing himself beyond the ability to interact in any meaningful way and chose to live in the future, inside his head, sharing his journey with no one. My perfect marriage became hollow, bitter and empty. Life became like the dregs at the bottom of a bottle of homemade wine. As you will read, Bob emerged a changed man at the end of 2005. Even as I join Glenn in the publication I remain ambivalent. I was freed from the torture of living with Bob yet I was also denied the possibility of returning to what I had cherished. How I wish everyone who reads this book could have met Bob at his best. He was practical yet playful, focused yet flexible and while outstandingly able he never took himself too seriously. Even more I wish that our children, Rebecca and Andre will remember their father who loved them without limit.
Virginia Howard, Toronto, ON June 1, 2008
Field Notes for Quitting: Is More Better?
Q stands for Quit, C for Comments and N for Notes. Glenn Morison's comments are in Italics. Virginia Howard's comments are in Bold.
Q: Merlot
C: Very little save some social situations which may be awkward.
N: I drink rarely and never to excess. I am not sure there is much to be gained by drinking all wines. Merlot is my favourite and the one bottle we have is a gift from Sandi and Jamie. I have some sense of sacrifice as there are only two bottles of wine in our cupboard.
January 2
Q: Telling Jokes at the start of my classes.
C: My reputation is built on starting all my classes this way.
N: I have told a joke at the beginning of each class for years. People always tell me jokes. Re-telling them has never been an effort. Will I feel constipated if they keep coming in and I don't let them out?
Bob charmed me with his corny humour when we first met. What was once reason for endearment became a source of irritation and embarrassment. In 1997 Bob had a formal complaint laid by a student who was a member of (PETA) People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Bob had heard a joke that had the phrase "cat crumpling machine" in the punch line and told the joke at the beginning of a class. His student never spoke to Bob directly but she was more than ready to write letters and talk to anyone else who would listen. In the end, even though Bob received a formal reprimand from the chancellor's office, he continued to maintain that telling jokes was part of his academic freedom and he was all the more determined to start his classes this way. This was one of the many ways in which Bob's boyish charm grew into tedious immaturity. In the last years of our marriage he treated this joke telling as if it was compulsory. I can't believe that others couldn't pick up on this perfunctory behaviour. I would cringe not only when he would tell jokes, like a dog doing tricks on command, at a party but also whenever I imagined him at the front of his class embarrassing himself.
January 3
Q: Reading about the Washington Nationals on the web.
C: This can take up to half an hour a day during spring training and early in the season and even more if they are in the pennant race.
N: The last article I read was about the signing of back-up catcher Brian Schneider. The Washington Nationals are not the Montreal Expos.
The Montreal Expos were moved to Washington and their name changed to the Nationals after the 2004 season.
January 4
Q: The word "but."
C: Have you heard the joke about the politician looking for a one armed economist? She got tired of hearing the economist always say, "on the one hand... but on the other hand." My entire life's work is about what follows after the word "but."
N: For sure I am moving the project to another level. I am pretty sure I got through the day without using the word.
This quit struck me as both absurd and impossible when I first read it. The word “but” is one of the most common words in our language. I still don't believe he succeeded even though you will not see the word again in the journal.
January 5
Q: Hearing of a loss of life without pausing to note it.
C: Reading a newspaper or watching or listening to the news may ask me to pause a lot!
N: I would like to quit having nightmares about bloated corpses being washed up towards me. I have seen enough images of the Indian Ocean Tsunami damage on the news. I have awoken in terror for the last three nights. Perhaps compassion for thousands is beyond any of us. I have a quiet expectation that I will develop deeper and more appropriate compassion through this project.
January 6
Q: Calling Andre "The Hawk"
C: He doesn't answer to it anyway.
N: Andre Dawson received 270 out of the required 387 votes to enter the Baseball Hall of Fame today. He won't be inducted this year and probably never. Coincidentally, I got my letter from the Hall of Fame confirming my appointment as Scholar in Residence from May 1 to August 31 of this year. The formal documents for signing and immigration to follow soon. While I was delighted to get the letter, the let down with Dawson was all the more disappointing.
Robert's full name was Robert Louis Seaton. He explained his name as being his dad's indulgence because it sounded like Scots writer, Robert Louis Stevenson. I guess Robert felt that gave him the right to name his kids whatever he wanted to.
Bob was a nut for the Expos long before I met him. Our first trip together was to Montreal in May of 1977. He loved Montreal and I had only been twice. He enjoyed showing me around like he owned the city. I had underestimated his love for the Expos before we went to that fist ever series played at the Olympic Stadium. We had to sit in the right field bleachers and he was like a little kid over a rookie outfielder named Andre Dawson. He was hollering all night like an eight-year-old and when Andre finally tipped his hat at Bob as he trotted off the field one inning I half expected Bob to tell me he had wet his pants. "Did you see that?" If he asked me once, he asked me a hundred times. All around us people were giggling. Years later when Andre was born, and we were pretty sure he'd be our last and Bob asked me if we could name him Andre Dawson it wasn't hard to say yes. Now, if he had wanted me to name my son, Rusty Staub Seaton I may have had to argue! Thank God Andre didn't have red hair! That we had called our daughter Rebecca, after my sister, made yet another reason to give in to his wishes. Although Andre often reminds me he's always the only Andre, I think he likes that.
January 7
Q: Caring about Dr. Moon's under use
C: Can I do it? Can I quit caring?
N: Dr. Moon is a brilliant visiting scholar from Korea with our department this year. He has given one public lecture and a few visits to a few classes. I am frustrated that he is being ignored, maybe just because it takes a little work to understand his English.
January 8
Q: Pausing without breathing.
C: Breathing is needed to sustain life. Better than breathing without pausing. Pausing every time you are made aware of someone dying is indeed a lot to ask of yourself. What does it mean to pause after hearing that 150,000 people have died? What does it mean to pause when that information comes after you had first been horrified to hear that 90,000 people have died. Can one person hold the difference between 90,000 and 150,000 deaths in their heart and mind? My idea of pausing and repeating people's names when I hear that they died just doesn't seem to apply.
N: As many as 1,000 children orphaned by the disaster will be coming to Toronto in the next three months. Most of these will be coming to live with family. While it is truly sad that these children are orphaned, I found some joy in knowing that at least these children have family to help them and the family here has the satisfaction of helping and providing new life and opportunity for the most innocent of the innocent. Although I hadn't thought too much about what the pause at the death of another was for, or what my motivations or my hopes in doing this were for that matter- I now see that "making space" is broad enough yet powerful enough to allow me to continue with both anxiety and expectation about what it will bring. I forgot to breathe during one of my pauses yesterday.
January 9
Q: Pretending I like Elvis Presley.
C: You'd be amazed how often people just assume that you have to like Elvis Presley.
N: Yesterday would have been his 70th birthday and there is too much on the news. When I think of Elvis, I think of Elvis Costello. I never got Elvis Presley.
Did you hear about the woman who had four different husbands? She married a banker and when he died she married an entertainer and when he died she married a minister and then her last husband was an undertaker. One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.
I had a lazy morning reading the paper and listening to CBC radio. Given my new "pause rule" that is no longer the same experience that it once was. And nothing seemed to fill the pauses today. Just an awareness of how often people mention death. Or at least how often people mentioned death on CBC radio this morning.
January 10
Q: The idea that giving 20% of annual income to charity is in any sense adequate
C: I don't know how much I will give. Does the word adequate even apply here?
N: We have already written a cheque for $1,000.00 and sent it to OXFAM for the Tsunami relief.
Having given up using the word "but" last Tuesday I want to also delete the word "although" from my vocabulary for it is simply a substitute for the word “but.”
I don't think Robert ever sorted out the income he made as a professor. Savings made him even more uncomfortable than overspending. I remember at Ohio State when we were doing our doctoral work and he turned down several scholarships because he knew there were classmates who had greater need. I was right, I found out later, in my hunch that Ginny was totally unaware he did this.
January 11
Q: Drinking coffee that is not fair trade
C: There are times where I need a coffee and I am caught where there isn't any.
N: I had a shitty coffee with Tim today. That made it easier to quit shitty coffee.
Bob needed his coffee. The painkillers he took both caused constipation and fatigue. Coffee kept him awake and seemed to help him with his other problem too. Coffee was Bob's friend.
January 12
Q: Referring to my own publications in my classes
C: Having to re-write a few of my lectures. I think I mention them just so I can be sure that somebody somewhere actually read them.
N: One of the students in my sports economics seminar began the class with a joke today. I was a little confused at first because not expecting a joke, I thought he was asking a question until I recognized the joke near its end.
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right in the centre ice gold section. He sits down, and taking note that the seat next to him is empty, he leans over and asks the person on the far side of the seat if it is taken.
"No," he replies. "It's empty." "This is incredible", said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a ticket like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1962."
"Oh ... that is so sad.. It's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."
I remember Bob's first co-authorship. Bob was out when Professor Rodgers called and got me. He sounded so disappointed as he knew how much Bob wanted the co-authorship as an undergraduate. They had a great relationship but Professor Rodgers (his first name was Lawrence but Bob referred to him Steve after a baseball player) couldn't decide whether to just have him call or have me tell him so he gave me the choice. I waited for Bob in our apartment and pretended to be reading the Canadian Economics Quarterly when he came in. A slow smile came across his face. "Yesssssssssssssss" he hissed like a snake before falling to his knees and crawling over to me like a dog and resting his head in my lap. I think he phoned his parents and to tell them before calling "Steve" to find out more.
January 13
Q: Closing my office door
C: Colleagues will notice the difference.
N: A new colleague told me a joke today (I had heard it many times before)
A mathematician, a statistician and an economist are interviewing for the same position. The mathematician is asked "What do two plus two equal?" She replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the statistician is asked "What do two plus two equal?" He answers "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Finally the economist is asked the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, pulls down the blind, sits himself right next to the interviewer and asks "What do you want it to equal?"
I do not know why Robert was writing these jokes in his journal. Maybe it was as simple as he was used to telling several jokes a day and was experiencing a little withdrawal. Maybe it was to ensure he didn't take his project too seriously. Maybe he was worried he would forget jokes if he quit telling them. Nevertheless, I have left them intact in order to preserve his original tone.
January 14
Q: I will chop Toronto in half by never going east of Yonge again except when I go to Cooperstown.
C: I have no real reasons to do so. I could probably set a west limit at High Park and a north limit at Bloor as well as the obvious south limit at the lake. I won't do this (yet.)
N: Ginny and I met Mike and Deanna for drinks tonight. Ginny knows
Deanna from High School and Mike is a very funny guy. We got out of the habit of getting together. They just called- it was good to get out. We went to an Irish place, O'Brien's - at Coxwell and the Danforth. This is about eight subway stops east of Yonge. Riding home I realized how rarely I ever go east of Yonge Street.
Robert was thrilled when the Society for the Advancement of Baseball Research (SABR) chose him to be their 2005 Scholar in Residence at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York. His love of baseball was never more beatific than when he visited the Shrine. I remember when we walked through the actual Hall where all the busts are he refused to talk. He said he was listening for the players voices. It was like he was making a connection that the rest of us couldn't. He phoned me right away when he got the appointment and before our call was over he was all anxious about getting the time off of teaching. He had applied five times before and he was a little paranoid that his Dean was the one scuttling the process.
January 15
Q: Not having an obituary prepared.
C: My father had done this for both my mom and himself. This was a great gift for both my brother Teddy and me.
N: I took an hour to read the obituaries this morning. I read of a man who served as a church board member for 57 years. A 21 year old man who died after 13 years of being treated for cancer. A 33 year old single mother who leaves three children for whom a trust fund is being started. I read about a 50 year old man who died of a heart attack and appears to have no living family. And the professor who taught me my one and only Psychology class back in my second year of my BA. There was also a listing for a 103 year old woman who had lived in the same nursing home for 17 years. And 31 others. Each one, I paused for. Some for many breaths, some only for one. Mostly, this was a good experience. I really like the Blues. As much as I have enjoyed the Blues in my life, I do not want the Blues mentioned in my obituary. Nor do I want the Montreal Expos mentioned. I don't think I want my professional associations mentioned either. I might want just a simple list of the 50 people who had the most influence on me. I am not sure.
Relating to the idea of pausing for each death could really make a difference. If I have the time, this could change my perception of my own finality, non-human life, the ways we honour death and many more possibilities. I am excited about this quit.
January 16
Q: Watching The Business of Sports or any other TV show when it produces the response of jealousy or anger.
C: I'll miss content that will be useful in the classroom.
N: Robertson can shove his "scandal sells, analysis fills" up his ass.
Bob loved this show and for many years seemed to be able to push aside any feelings of envy. Bob was giddy with pride each time he was on it and loved to gather the family together to watch the tape. One fond memory was a year end show when they showed Bob in a set of outtakes. Bob was talking about a law suit a college player had launched against a coach for playing him when he was injured and in the middle of a sentence forgot what he was talking about. He paused, looked all around himself, as if searching for the four corners of the earth and then asked the interviewer with a total deadpan, "What were we talking about?" Bob had been told it would be on but wouldn't tell us why we all had to watch the show.
January 17
Q: Rooting my ear with my pinkie finger when it is itchy.
C: A doctor told me once to ``never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.``
N: This is a lifelong habit that more people than I care to admit have suggested I stop.
January 18
Q: Eating anything that mixes oil and potato.
C: Very little. I eat fries about once a year.
N: I wish I had thought of this before I ordered the fries. They were awful. Ned's is nothing special at the best of times. I threw them out.
January 19
Q: Thinking of the death of a person without thinking of their birth.
C: Every time I hear of the death of another person I now will pause, breathe and think also of their birth. Who knows?
N: I have cheated a few times on the resolve to pause when I think of death. I turned away when I walked by a paper box and saw the Sun with a headline about a suspicious death at a Sick Kid's hospital. Rather than pause immediately I made a mental note to take my pause and breath later when I was on my streetcar. Perhaps this is an insignificant variance, perhaps not. I also found myself thinking about the three children whose mother died whose obituary I had read on Saturday. I wrote a $150.00 check for the Jamie, Jessica and Sean's trust fund. I found myself struggling with whether to write a note or not. In the end I decided that if I didn't write something the children's father or whoever is looking after things could worry that he/she should know me. So I just added a brief hand-written note indicating I was moved by the obituary. I held the letter in my hand for about half an hour pondering Anna's life and what she might have experienced in her 33 years. It felt respectful. It felt right. It felt worthy. The breaths themselves were a gift beyond expectation. Somehow both from and to me.
Every time I read this journal, I grow in frustration. We are barely past the middle of January and he is completely out of touch. I remember at the time he made reference to Jamie, Jessie and Sean as if I knew them. When I asked who he was talking about he laughed and told me that they must have been three children that he dreamt of being adopted by our co-op. Of course, when I first read his diary and remembered the three names I was deeply troubled. Was he delusional or a liar? I didn't like either choice.
What I see when I read these parts is Robert beginning a practice that served Robert very well the last twenty-six months of his life. Robert wore this abstract gentleness with great comfort. The others on the executive of the New Democratic Party Riding association where he had become treasurer were all much younger than him. They spoke with reverence about his peculiar breathing patterns. They related to me how Robert would breath before any change of subject in a way that signaled the change that was to come and gave everyone the chance to prepare. They said his breathing alone became like a guide and a mentor. It was not part of the Robert that I ever knew or experienced and it was fascinating to hear him spoken of as this wise elder who could direct a room with his breath.
January 20
Q: Eating without naming everything I am eating.
C: I will become more aware and more appreciative of the food I eat.
N: When Ginny was still home schooling Andre and Becky-Lou, eating had a central place in our lives. We were always experimenting. Often we ate very simply. We were into "slow food" before there was even a name for it. We also ate a lot of raw food. Popcorn with yeast nutrient was a frequent meal for a while. Every summer we "ate Ontario." Once a week all the home school families in the co-op would get together and do a lesson that arose from cooking. Chemistry, geography, politics- it was all there in what we ate. I miss that. With the kids in regular school, we just can't do it and I seem to be busier than I was even though I am doing less.
January 21
Q: Having days as freaking busy as today.
C: Hard to operationalize the commitment.
N: Meetings, classes, appointments, errands-- and a headache to boot. From 8 till 8 then I went to bed.
Years ago Robert had heard some bureaucrat use the phrase "operationalize the commitment." He thought it was hilarious for all it really means is “do.” I am sure he had his tongue firmly planted in his cheek as he wrote this.
January 22
Q: I will quit judging strangers who have run out of gas or are stuck in snow.
C: Save myself a few moments of grief once or twice a year
N: There was a huge storm today. Our counsellor Naomi called early to tell us that she wouldn't be able to see Ginny and me today. I usually judge people for getting stuck in snow or running out of gas. These are not cases of bad luck. These are cases of bad judgment. Or at least this is what I say to myself as I pass them by thinking "I never ran out of gas and I never got stuck when I have had a car" or "if they were like me and didn't have a car, for sure this wouldn't happen." What do I know? Maybe it is the first and only time in their life that they have run out of gas or got stuck in snow. Maybe they usually carry a compact little shovel in their car. There are lots of ways to give people the benefit of the doubt. As a sign of good faith, I took Andre out with me and we wandered the neighbourhood looking for people who were stuck. We spent four hours and shovelled and pushed for over a dozen people. It felt good and Andre came home saying, "I hope it snows again tomorrow, dad."
Andre was more vulnerable to Bob's problems than Rebecca was. Andre was beaming when he came in from this day with his dad. Bob's patience seemed more easily tested as the kids got older. Rebecca had moved on and accepted what her dad had become by the time Bob left, Andre was still pining for the man who had played with him as a child. I can picture Andre's face like it was yesterday as he uttered the words, "I sure hope it snows tomorrow." I too was praying for snow. I lived those years in constant hope of those unlikely turns that would bring us back together as a family.
January 23
Q: I will quit eating meat without telling people I would rather not.
C: I have always let hospitality trump being vegetarian. Could changing this value change me?
N: A man was hiking in the woods when he came upon a bear. The bear chased him down and stood over the hiker on its hind legs seemingly ready to maul and devour him. Panicked, the hiker cried out in prayer, "God, please convert this bear so that he would be faithful and compassionate and spare me." Immediately a soft look came over the bear and he dropped his front paws into a prayer position and bowed his head. Then the bear spoke in a quiet but clear voice, "Dear God, for the food I am about to receive I am truly thankful."
January 24
Q: I will no longer listen to or watch a newscast without taking a moment to ask, "Do I have some way I want to respond?"
C: I could be awfully busy responding.
N: I was sitting quietly in my office trying to cope with a headache while waiting for my pills to kick in and all of a sudden I screamed out in a loud voice, "Fuck Me!" Since I decided to quit having my door closed when people were in my office I have kept it open all day. Realizing this was a little out of line, I just put my head down and pretended I hadn't been that one as I began to scribble on my note pad. Nobody walked by or looked in to see what I if I was OK. Perhaps nobody heard me. Perhaps nobody knew it was I who yelled. Perhaps nobody cared. When it happened, I was thinking about a story I had watched on the news last Friday night.
Several talking heads were talking about the desire for Canada to win Gold medals at the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver. A goal of 12 Golds and 35 medals was being announced and the lobbying for government resources was in full swing. This does not represent my priorities! I began to think about how you could associate a dollar figure to a Gold medal. My question is, "What are the cheapest Gold medals?" Or put another way "What sports should we invest into if our bottom line is a medal count?" While I could give the Canadian Government and the Olympic committee the advice on the real way to get medals per dollar, I can also use this kind of argument, adding a tone of sarcasm, to criticize the whole idea of funding sports with a focus of securing medals at Olympics.
Robert had once told me about his "one touch of each paper" rule. When he was on his game, any piece of mail, any memo, anything like that he would touch only once and then pass it on, file it or recycle it. It is very hard to do but Robert was a master of it and it regularly saved him time. A year or so ago he told me that he had developed this ability with other things including thoughts, suggestions and requests. I didn't press him for the details but he was always remarkably composed. For instance, when I once asked if there was somewhere in Toronto where I could hear a Spanish language Mass he immediately started making phone calls and had me on the doors of the church within an hour.
January 25
Q: Going outside without a hat and gloves when it is cold outside.
C: If I do it I won't get pissed off like I did today.
N: It is bloody cold and I went out today to do some shopping with Andre. I didn't bother bringing my toque or gloves. That was stupid.
January 26
Q: Going without wearing long underwear any time it drops below 15 degrees Celsius.
C: I'll be warmer.
N: I hate cold weather. Toronto doesn't get much. I bought some long underwear today even though it's supposed to turn mild by the weekend. The one good thing about cold weather is that I get fewer headaches.
January 27
Q: Going a day without thinking about the Tsunami and its victims without making a $100.00 donation to the Red Cross.
C: I will give more to the Red Cross, including the $100.00 I gave today.
N: I went all day yesterday without thinking about the Tsunami and its effects. I haven't written about the fact that every day my pausing, breathing and remembering the birth and death of every person that I have heard of dying is having a major effect on me. Each day is a struggle. Each day I have to choose to end my pause. Each day I have sense of guilt for my lack of compassion. I have some expectation that I will deepen or increase my compassion yet I already sense that the pursuit of "enough" compassion is a little bit like Sisyphus rolling the rock up the hill. One of the many things that sets the Tsunami apart from other natural disasters is that the ratio of dead to wounded was about 6:1. Most natural disasters result in a ratio of something like 1:10. The wounded dying off rarely make the news and while there may not be as many, I am sure that there are many who continue to die from various situations related to the Tsunami. What was referred to as "the biggest natural disaster in recorded history" has become "yesterday's news" in only a month.
Robert was always a compassionate person. Entries like this one read odd to me when I first read them in 2005. Of all the people that could use discipline in their compassion he was not one that would ever come to mind. When I saw him later in the year, it was like he was taking a break from compassion rather than the fine tuning that he seems to be up to here. On one of my visits just last year, Robert introduced me to his friend Sam. Robert was volunteering with the Ontario Mental Health Association and had people he promised to visit with twice a week each. Both of them had run afoul of the law. Robert was so gentle and so patient with Sam the day we had lunch together. Sam started pouring salt on the table and counting the grains out loud. Robert did nothing but watch. Sam stopped at 100 and put the grains in a separate pile near his water glass. The conversation continued like a television show does after a commercial. This epitomized the wonderful blessing that Robert had become to these two men.
January 28
Q: Eating meat or seafood without making a $500.00 donation to PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.)
C: Because I have already eaten meat once this year, I sent a $500.00 cheque today.
N: My entry last Sunday (the 23rd) about eating meat was too hedged. I realize that I hardly "quit" anything. I just redefined what I already do. This commitment is different.
January 29
Q: Asking my kids one too many questions.
C: We may talk more, we may talk less.
N: I found a booklet with the title "Rebecca's Guaranteed Grade 12 Math Study Guide." It was a fifteen page book that seemed to systematically review all the work of the school term. It was flawless in its presentation. Math has always come easy for Becky-Lou. What was most interesting was that it had a $5.00 price in the corner and the guarantee said there would be a full refund it did not lead to a pass in the course. When I asked Becky-Lou about this she said she was helping so many of her other students that she decided to be compensated for it. Ten out of twenty-six students had bought it netting her a cool $50.00. I asked her if she would mind paying ten cents a printed page and a flat rate of $20.00 for use of the computer for her little business. I said that would make the total invoice $35.00. She answered that she would mind. Not using the word "but" gives me the opportunity to avoid the instinct to hedge on how I feel about this. It's great! She's making use of the resources available to her at home. She's helping other students. And she is receiving deserved compensation. I did ask her if she had a sliding price so those students who had greater need or couldn't afford the five dollars. And before she could answer I asked her what she would do if somebody who paid the five dollars started making photocopies and selling them for two dollars. She replied saying, "Dad, would you like to buy an autographed souvenir copy for $7.50? Any time you want one, just ask and I'll sign it for you." And then she walked away.
January 30
Q: I will give up the notion that I don't floss enough.
C: I may floss more. I may floss less.
N: I bought a "sonic" toothbrush today. I don't even know what that means. Does it make sound?
Robert is really struggling at this point. I was very scared about Robert when I read this entry for the first time when he emailed his journal to me. With this entry and others like it, there is no sense of play or enjoyment and little sense of learning. Usually Robert and I spoke at the very least once or twice a month. Not only had we not spoken at Christmas he didn't make his annual call to me on my Thanksgiving even though I had called him on the Canadian date and reminded him I looked forward to his call. He seems confused and depressed as I reread the journal.
These entries are likely directly related to Bob's use of Subtunol. It could make him, for lack of a better term, intellectually lazy. I still shudder imagining what he might have been like around his colleagues at this time when he could be so absorbed in self importance with the most foolish of ideas. For a little while he took to calling me Ginnybuns or Ginnybunny and then he would smile like a Cheshire cat. Thank the Lord he did this when we were alone because Andre, in his youthful maturity, had evolved past the "fart joke" age and would have been appalled at this.
January 31
Q: I am going to quit eating white bread.
C: I only eat white bread a handful of times each year.
N: I will treat myself to a soft quit to end of each month.
Q: Imagining that I will keep every resolve:
C: Getting my first broken pledge out of the way is a helpful thing.
N: I forgot that my doctor, Dr. Patel, has his office four doors east of Yonge Street. Quitting ever going east of Yonge Street was a stupid idea. I need to see my doctor. Getting through a month without ever really admitting to breaking a resolve was a good thing. Getting through two months without doing it could be too much of a good thing.
While reading magazines at my doctor's office I came across a story about Michael Mangal who is thought to be the only survivor of over 100 residents on the island Pillwpanja hit by the Tsunami. While I waited outside of the doctor's examination room I breathed. I took 400 breaths in memory of these lost lives imagining that each breath as it began represented their birth, each inhalation and each exhalation corresponded to their life and the pause before my next breath represented their death.
Other people might focus on stories about the survivors. It comes down to the old adage about whether you perceive the glass to be half empty or half full. I am and always have been on the half empty side of the debate.
I thought of a corollary. If you are unsure whether a glass is half full or half empty, drink some. Then you will be sure it is more than half empty.
February 2
Q: Watching the Movie Groundhog Day on Groundhog Day.
C: I like tradition. I just forgot.
N: The consulting work I am doing for the National Hockey League Players Association to help them with their collective bargaining is very distracting.
Robert must have phoned me somewhere around here. He was very worried about the work with the National Hockey League Players Association. He was almost paranoid. A 6'5" 250 pound former Colgate University defenceman who worked for the league came to see him in his office and insisted Robert close his door. [I now see why it was a problem for him to open it.] Robert thought he was being pressured to reveal secrets from his research and consulting. He was talking about organized crime being involved with the hockey owners. I also remember Robert saying he thought he was in "sticky territory." [Robert always had trouble with puns!]
February 3
Q: Understanding success as anything that lasts past nightfall.
C: I would love to quit being successful. Unfortunately, it is too vague a concept and I am not sure it will be useful. I find myself wondering what if any value there would be to removing the word "success" from my vocabulary. As it is I am having trouble enough writing without "but" and "although." My quit is now workable.
N: Last year when I was attending a forum at Becky-Lou's school, we were put into small groups for discussions and one of her classmates said to our group, "when you tell me I am good at something, what I hear is you telling me I should be better." Success breeds pressure.
February 4
Q: Red wine
C: People expect me to drink red wine.
N: Ginny had suggested earlier in the week that we have Trish and Bob over for dinner. They are ok- more her friends really. Ginny asked me afterwards why I didn't drink any wine. We had taken the Pinot Noir to a party the previous weekend and when she opened the Merlot I remembered that I had quit drinking Merlot on January 1st.
I hadn't told my wife about my project yet.
She found it a bit odd that I had not spoken to her. It was more than a bit odd really. It wasn't a matter of forgetting or not having time. I was deliberately avoiding it. When she asked me the other night why I had not eaten a hot dog a friend had bought me at one of Becky-Lou's lacrosse games, I lied to her. I was feeling a little queasy instead of admitting that eating a hot dog would cost me a $500.00 donation to PETA.
I think the reason was that I was worried I would give up my project and would be embarrassed or it might have been because I have some fears about where all this will take me. I think I am also worried that maybe that she would begin disagreeing with the things I was giving up. In a quiet moment of honesty I admitted that I am a little embarrassed about all of this. She showed a general lack of interest and provided no encouragement for me. I am hoping this is a reaction to my not telling her.
When I read the words "a little embarrassed" I still want to reply "that was the entire problem." The randomness that I experienced as unpredictability and irrelevance is described by Robert as being true to grounded theory. At this point his constant self congratulation was still being held at bay. I remember him talking on the phone one day and I could hear the dial tone. He was talking to nobody. He was asking about the water bill but I know he was talking to a dial tone. I was going out the door at the time and made a mental note to ask him later but by the time I remembered it seemed too far in the past to bring it up. He wasn't delusional. I figured he was practising lying and, to be honest, was scared to ask about it. Reviewing the journal I don't see how it fit into any of his quits so I will never know what he was up to.
February 5
Q: I will no longer have anyone at Smithson Massage Works except Lois work on me.
C: I may have to miss a massage from time to time. Lois is the best.. Why settle for anyone else.
N: The words "it never hurts to ask" are greatly underrated.
February 6
Q: Keeping this project a secret from Ginny.
C: A fucking truckload full of implications
N: I printed off this journal and gave it to Ginny with a box of dark chocolate for our anniversary. We have been married 19 years.
One of Bob's many endearing traits was his attention to anniversaries. He was always combined the right traditional and modern gifts like when he gave me a wooden box of silver coins for our fifth anniversary or when he made me a multimedia sculpture featuring broken pieces of pottery and strips of leather for our ninth anniversary. And when there was no gift he figured out something like a collection of Alice Cooper kitsch and best of CD of Alice Cooper last year [because of his signature tune “Eighteen.”] To put it mildly, Bob missed the mark this year. It took me three days to scratch my way through his entries.
February 7
Q: I am quitting caring about the Seton Hall Pirates basketball team.
C: There was a strange sadness as I read their records. I didn't really care. I found myself longing for my more innocent days when the record of a basketball team that had a name that sounded like mine was important.
N: When I was a little boy dad used to say the school was started by my great grandfather. I started cheering for them there and then. It wasn't until later, long after I had become "hooked" that I realized that Seaton and Seton weren't even the spelled the same.
February 8
Q: I will quit giving anything from this project to Ginny unless she asks.
C: It could become quite a wedge.
N: Ginny still hasn't acknowledged getting my print off of this journal. I may not have the option of not giving her subsequent entries. I will either have to make up a special version for her or be subjecting myself to self-censoring each and every day. I hate both options.
February 9
Q: I am going to give up coffee for Lent.
C: Coffee is pretty important to me. It keeps me awake and keeps me regular. I am sure forty days (forty days and forty nights right?) is something I can do. Because of this being time restricted I see it as outside my project. I am thinking of it as recreational quitting.
N: When I was walking by the Newman Centre I saw a whole string of people with black smudges on their foreheads walking out. I realized it must be Ash Wednesday. I was amused by our common ground. I wanted to ask them all what they were going to give up. I wanted to ask them if they thought forty days is a short time or a long time. I wanted to ask them if they thought of giving something up each and every day instead of one thing for the forty days. I wanted to ask them if they told each other what they were giving up. I wanted to ask them what they would do if they changed their mind about what they were giving up or failed in their resolve. I wanted to ask them why they were giving up what they were. I wanted to ask them what benefit they thought it might be to them. I wanted to ask them if they thought what they were giving up was significant. I wanted to ask if any of them were giving up masturbation. I didn't ask them any of these things. I just let them file past me. It was more out of shyness than a respect for their privacy. I figure if you wear a black smudge on your forehead you are asking to be asked. Normally I would have just thought they were being a little pretentious. Tonight, as I write, I admire these forehead smudgers. If I weren't doing this project I probably would have walked by with either no thought whatsoever. If I had it would be something smug like "I bet they think they have done something of value in there." They may just be choosing hope over acceptance rather than trying to balance the two. I have nothing to gain by self-satisfied judgments.
The purpose of forgoing in Lent is to provide focus. In the desire delayed, there is an opportunity to transpose that physical hunger into a spiritual craving for the Holy. In these choices, there is opportunity to give thanks for just how often our needs ARE met. Robert doesn't show an understanding of this either or any number of places in his journal. While my instinct might be to criticize Robert for falling short of what many Catholics find in Lent, the fruit born later by what he calls a "project" takes my instinct away.
February 10
Q: Using heterosexual household analogies in my macroeconomics classes.
C: I will always use same sex couples when I am using domestic examples as I have 14 years worth of one-sidedness to compensate for. Being more attentive and inventive should make me more sensitive.
N: I had a student (B.R.) come into my office today and accuse me of never using any gay examples. When I asked him to clarify what he meant he said whenever I used a household analogy, which I do from time to time when describing how a government manages a nation's economy, I always use a heterosexual couple as an example. He was really gentle about his complaint. It was not an attack. He just said he would appreciate if I was more thoughtful and explained he wouldn't have bothered coming to see me if I didn't think I could be.
February 11
Q: I am going to quit referring to the Nationals as my favourite team.
C: As they only moved from Montreal a few months ago they have been my favourite team for less than sixty days. While the Montreal Expos have been my favourite team since their inception in 1969.
N: Two baseball loving friends made a pact with each other that whoever was the first one to die would come and tell the other one whether or not there was baseball in heaven. After one died he came looking for the other and was immediately asked whether there was baseball in heaven or not. He said, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you are scheduled as the starting pitcher next Tuesday."
February 12
Q: My privacy with this project.
C: I am going to talk to Ginny, Andre and Becky-Lou as soon as I can I am trying to figure out why I had not told Ginny about my project earlier. I feel I have let her down. I feel I have even been "unfaithful" in some sense of the word. I feel guilt, even a sense of shame. Her response, which has been added to by a distant silence today, seems angry. No doubt she is feeling betrayed and deceived. I want Ginny to be a full partner in this project. I want her to embrace the value in this work as much as she has embraced my academic career. I also want the kids to know what I am doing and to experience and think along with me.
February 13
Q: M habit of giving letter grades to each month of my life.
C: I have done this for almost twenty years.
N: In the evening at home, Ginny finally spoke to me about my project.
"We did all this quitting stuff with Martha and Phil, and Carol and Neil, and Anita and Andrew when we worked through [Duane Elgin's] Voluntary Simplicity. And we did a fare sight better than what you are doing? Are you trying to recapture something? So much of that is just part of who we are now. Look around our co-op unit. It's simple. I work half time. You're not very busy having given up so many of your causes. But this quitting stuff?"
She was at a near scream pitch as she waved around my twenty printed pages as if it were some indeterminate weapon to be used for torture.
"If you were doing this well at all, I might be swayed, but you're not. Pausing every time you heard about death? That's impossible! Have you even written anything about having done that? It's probably because you haven't ever really done it. You'd end up hyperventilating in a corner if you ever even tried."
"And many that aren't poorly thought out", she added, "are just downright stupid. White bread? Going east of Yonge Street?"
She gave me credit for nothing.
She stared me down and asked, with a tone that somehow was both pleading and disinterested all at once, "What do you want?"
I wanted to scream back at her. Her comments hurt deeply. I wanted to ask her how much of this was about my not telling her sooner and how much was criticism she was pretending was constructive or helpful. What I wanted to do and what I did were not the same. I didn't have the strength to argue back and I didn't really have an answer for her question. What do I want from this project? At least I took it that was her question.
"Timeout!"
February 14
Q: I will no longer initiate physical displays of affection with my daughter.
C: Sad but necessary.
N: After supper, while Ginny had her coffee, I began again, "Time In!" [With the help of our counsellor Naomi we had developed a time out rule. When we have disagreements or passionate discussions either one of us has the right to make the "Timeout" symbol and take a time out for as long as we want. Even several days if that is what we want. It has served us well and timeouts are rare to begin with and almost never any more than 15 minutes. Just long enough to regroup, refocus and come back ready to communicate better.]
In the quietest and most sincere tone I could muster I asked Ginny if there was one thing that bothered her.
She became quickly exasperated. Her exact words were, "For God's sake, do what you should do and quit what you should quit."