Introduction
I started this book when I was sixteen years old. Needless to say it took me awhile to finish it. Although, I realize it's not even close to being the best in the world but it is my own. A great bit of time went into it and it has good meaning. It started out just being a journal that I wrote my thoughts down in, but now it is so much more. It all stems from being heartbroken at a young age. In actuality, some of it still reads as just a journal would, although most of the journal read like a book. I tried to preserve some of what the original had in it. There was no since in rewriting it. I hope it’s one of a kind. I haven’t seen a book like it. Well, taking for granted, I haven’t read that many books in my life either. Many have asked why this book is so short. It’s because it’s been rewritten many times over and you got to remember that it indeed came from a journal.
There are a couple of reasons why this turned from a journal into a book. I was tired of holding it in. I was exhausted in the way of trying to explain myself and my actions. I have felt my family did not care to know why I spent so much time in isolation away from others. Why I was lost sometimes. Why this emptiness filled my heart. Why I tried to reach out from the inside and felt that no one tried to reach back. Also, it was good therapy for me just to see the words formed on paper. And the last reason is quite possibly to show the world that people like me exist.
A lot of people think that everything can be cured by medicine, self help clinics, therapy, or faith. In which, I believe a lot of people have been helped through these methods. I don’t judge. I wanted to take another path. I chose to write and to pursue the tenderness I so thrived for.
I look at things different than other people. My family has told me for years that medication was the only thing that would keep me sane. I disagree! There is no cure in it. Medication is here to keep you on track but not to cure you. The way it was explained to me was that there is a big neurological pathway that controls your thinking and emotions. It is like one big highway between your mind and heart. I like to think of it that way. So, whenever you have a depressing thought or intolerable sadness, your highway forms an alternate route. Kind of like an exit off the highway. The more depressing thoughts you have, the more your exit becomes like another highway. Medication is there to simply make that exit veer back onto the main highway. So that you are traveling the same way everything else is, as far as emotions, and you can be normal again. I believe that this is the way it works. It makes sense. Studies have been done. College students study it.
Again this book reads a lot like a journal and it was purposely done so to convey thoughts and emotions. It is a book of love, heartache, depression, and realizations. It shares a love of life, art, people, and music.
Lyrics of songs often speak of what the heart can’t tell. You’ll have to read to understand. I have always thought that music relates to us on so many levels. I listen to music that says and means things to me.
I believe, that maybe, if no one ever reads the introduction to this, it will still be a good book. I am just saying this because I for one have never read an actual introduction to a book.
Almost every person is naïve when it comes to their own self-awareness.
Well, I guess that's the best introduction I can write. Thanks for reading.
“Unwell”- Matchbox Twenty (“I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired. I know right now you don’t care. But soon enough you’re gonna think of me and how I used to be.”)
“No Rain”-
Blind Melon (“I just want someone to say to me, I'll always be
there when you wake.
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry
today, so stay with me and I'll have it made.”)
Chapter One
My Life
My life to me was one big black tunnel! I had to compare it to something and this is what I chose. I say this for the simple fact that in my mind it makes sense. It was a black tunnel because like one, I felt like there was nothing around me. No one understood what I could put myself through. I had all these emotions that I wanted to express but I couldn't. I still don’t understand completely why I thought this way.
My black tunnel had these light spots that would show up on occasion. I guess they were there to light the path at times so I wouldn't get to lost. Later, these lights, these spots turned into the missing portions of emotion that I was missing. Love was one of the major portions. I always sought the love that I thought I was missing. So, when one of the spots appeared, I would try to hold on as long as possible. Hanging on to tight or to long would smother the lights and make them disappear. With these disappearances, I was all the more lost.
My family was never quite a big part of my tunnel. I think that if they were I wouldn't have had as many problems as I did. My father and mother tried there best to keep us alive and sheltered. I don't know what it was but my childhood was spent very lonely. Although, I had my brother and sister there to keep me company, the memories still remain. We had a simple childhood. We lived in the woods outside of town and really didn’t see many people that lived around us. We preoccupied our time with climbing trees, building club houses, playing in the creek, and every once in a while, the occasional horse apple fight. Our cousins lived right up the hill, but we didn’t see them as much as we liked either. We spent a lot of time at home with our thoughts because we had hardly any money to go anywhere. Dad worked for us while Momma stayed home to take care of us. We were there to create our own brand of happiness.
Mom and Dad separated when we were young. I'm not going to say that this is the start of all the controversy because I don't believe it myself. It was certainly a major factor.
The love wasn't there in the beginning. That's why I spent most of my young adult life trying to pursue the love that I thought was nothing more than a spot of light. I always wanted someone to love me back. (A light that wouldn’t disappear.)
I believe that one of the things in life that cannot be understood is love itself. I know that there are many types of it. One type is the one you already have. The one you're born with. I refer to it as pure love. This is the one that I believe calms you as a child to hear your mother's voice when you're hurt.
I heard someone try to define love and I have stuck with that definition for some time now. It could have been just something he had heard from a movie. He said that it is neither past nor future but the present. Live for it, for all too soon it will slip away.
The other love is true love, which a lot more people believe in than they will admit to. They say that this is the greatest love of all. It possibly is, if you have it. True love is totally different from its counterpart. It’s different because it has to be achieved. Somehow you know it's going to last. You undoubtedly know that this person is a part of you. You grow cold and isolated when you are apart, but warm up with the smallest piece of a telephone call. Without them, you can't breathe and with them, you're left breathless. Love is the miracle that makes the world simple. Sometimes, the miracle is simply falling in love.
No matter what your opinion is on love, you have to admit that the greatest love of all is the one you fought for and won!
“Welcome to My Life”- Simple Plan (“Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong and no one understands you? Do you ever wanna runaway? Do you lock yourself in your room? With the radio on turned up so loud that no one hears you screaming?”)
“When I’m Gone”- 3 Doors Down (“There's another world inside of me that you may never see. There's secrets in this life that I can't hide. Somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find. Maybe it's too far away; maybe I'm just blind.”)
Chapter Two
Love in Friendship
School was a happy medium in my life. I looked towards going there. It was time away from my room. Sure the work was hard at times, but I did it. Some teachers made studying fun; others were just boring. Third grade was the turn around year and I say this because everything starts to matter then.
I can honestly say that I had all female friends. I was bullied in school for that reason. It was always said that a guy couldn't stay friends with a female long, because he comes to a time where he likes her for more than one. So, as time grew on, my innocent friendships with the other party grew to crushes. I didn’t want to hang out with the guys. The stuff that interested the other guys didn't interest me in the slightest. I wanted to hang with the girls because they had more to say and I could talk to them.
I'm soft hearted and I got hurt easily. (More times than not to say the least.) Girls can also be cruel at times, and I took most of what they said to heart. I just couldn’t understand the difference between me and them. I never considered girls having cooties. I was different and I guess that is why the girls let me hang around.
It all started when parent’s divorce took place. I started going downhill and I didn't have a clue. I started to become a little clingy towards my friends and I guess they thought that was strange. So, they thought the more they pushed away, the more reliant I would become towards myself. I got my feelings hurt most of the time.
The problem was that my friends did not want to see me in a loving perspective. This was really upsetting because I wanted to love someone but no one wanted to love me. Tracy Montgomery was my first crush. Maria Morales was my second and the list goes on. My mom was a friend to Tracy's Mom and sometimes that created a problem. I thought that if Mom was a friend with Mrs. Montgomery, I would have a better chance at having Tracy as my girlfriend. As for Maria, she was a free spirit that I could not catch. I gave up quickly on the idea of us getting together.
When I was eleven, I had my very first girlfriend and my very first heart break. Our family always knew each other but we didn’t meet until later on. Her name was Kendra. She was this cute, curly headed, sweet little girl. We met on a playground when I cracked my mid-section on a wet bar that I was trying to balance on. We lived in two different cities, so it was difficult to see each other. I used to beg my mom to go to town. To me, she was wonderful.
I saw her as many times as I could and it lasted for a while. She taught me things that I never knew. I thought I would love her forever. Later, she got back together with one of her old boyfriends and had her friend call me for her. Until this day, I remember that conversation.
"Affection Syndrome", is what I chose to call my emotional problems.
It came from the feeling that I wanted someone to be there for me as a companion and finding out that they didn't want me. Depression was not a word in my terminology then, but I sure felt it.
Sometimes I wanted to be left alone, but I wanted someone there to listen. I wanted to be at peace with myself but everything in my life was so unstable.
I started hiding my feelings from everyone, even my family. I covered it up well. I built the biggest wall I could and then a moat to go around it. I started to become a busybody.
I kept myself busy with poetry and art most of the time. The way I hid my feelings was to joke, laugh, and act like a crazy immature little kid. So, when I was really feeling down, the happier and hyper I acted. Every so often I would let it be known that something was bothering me but only when I thought I wasn’t being a burden to anyone.
As for my crushes they only got worse, but no one knew. I kept them a secret. I figured if no one knew about them, I was less likely to get hurt. I remember I had a crush on this girl named Jennifer. I liked her for it seems forever. I could not figure out why she dated some of the guy's she did, but still the feelings remained. I eventually gave up on her as well (mostly because I couldn’t see her actually liking me). I blamed it on the syndrome.
Although, I didn't like change, it eventually comes and gets us anyway. I was thirteen at the time and it was the middle of the summer when Dad set me, my brother, and my sister down for a talk. He told us that a friend of his was going to come and see us. Martha Summers was her name and Dad had met her when he went to the Red Cross meetings in our town. So, it came to par that she was to be Dad's girlfriend and we were going to see more of her. After a while, Dad told us we were going to move because there was more work for him in East Texas and that is where Martha's mom and dad lived. This meant that we were going to experience a new school and a new life.
So, we moved right after I passed sixth grade. I had failed the grade the previous year and had to take it again. It wasn't that I wasn't smart enough to do so. It's just I didn't seem to care about a whole lot then. Seventh grade in a small town that was smaller than the one we left...Great!
Talk about being nervous. I think I talked to one person the whole day that wasn't a teacher. Although, there were a lot of attractive girls to possibly make friends with, maybe even go out with. I really wanted someone to be around if I needed her. And looking back, I went through several. Even if I wanted to name a few, my idea of a lot would not be understood. I rather tell you about the more important ones that lasted for more than a week or two. Of course, I had more crushes than actual relationships. So, there was one I had my eye on but never chased after. The first day at school I met Rachel. She had jet black hair with the hint of brown, the hourglass figure, the deep brown eyes, and the works of a beautiful girl. We were friends for the longest time because we sat together in history class and talked while we worked. I hung on every last word that came from those sweet lips. I loved to make her laugh. Her cheeks turned flush when she laughed too hard. I was totally enveloped by her. There are some people you never forget and she was top of the list. She was everything I wanted then but never had. I wanted to ask her out so many times before, but sadly fear took its toll and I was never brave enough to stand up to it. Instead, I tried to show her that I longed for her by doing things like drawing for her and being there as a listening ear. My moment of truth, that I never had, was in fact that I loved Rachel, but something told me that I could never tell her.
There were plenty more little crushes along the way but not really worth mentioning in the way of helping me in the least.
Then Mandy came along! She wasn’t comparable to Rachel but she was cute. She was a brutally blunt speaking blonde and I loved it. I fell hard for this one. The crush lasted four years and even after high school I missed seeing her. I always drew on her hand for the simple pleasure of holding it. We talked about her boyfriend and more importantly why she should leave him. So, things changed and I lost touch with her after I graduated. I had a lot more interests but half of them will never know I even knew them.
The other half will see this book on a shelf and say in realization, “Hey, that guy looks like someone I know.”
“Different Than You”- The Exies (“We are one in the same only with different names. Something’s are not worth changing. I learned to love by hating. We are one in the same.”)
“Dammit”- Blink 182 (“And it's happened once again, I'll turn to a friend. Someone that understands; sees through the master plan. But everybody's gone and I've been here for too long to face this on my own. Well, I guess this is growing up.”)
Chapter Three
Truly, Madly; Deeply
I think I should start at the end and work the flashbacks at this point. It conveys better that way. Just to see the events that put me in the present. In 1998, I moved back from were where I had lived for the better part of my school life. It was not to far after I got out of boot camp. We will cover this later. I promise.
I landed back in a land of nostalgia. I had no place to go but to my family. My grandparents took me in for almost a year. I know it must have been sort of a hassle for me to live there but they would never tell me that. It was fun for that short time though. Although they were my grandparents, they weren’t going to let me live there for free. It just so happened that the first job I applied for is the one I got. By this time I was having trouble with my foot while I was working at my duty station for the Marine Corp. Come to find out that if I had a problem with it they were going to let me choose whether to stay in the service or get a medical discharge. I chose the latter.
So fast forwarding…I packed all my stuff from east Texas to move in with my Grandparents after finding out that my current girlfriend didn’t have a place for us to live like she promised. Meanwhile, in the process of moving, I pissed my brother off because I was moving away from home for a girl. Within a month I had moved to north Texas, got a well paying job, and settled everything with my family.
So Blockbuster warehouse called me in for orientation a week after I applied. A week and half after I went to orientation I met my possible new girlfriend. I know that sounds apprehensive. Okay, orientation was a blast because we had like twenty-five people that were all class clowns. (Except this one girl.) This one girl that was truly beautiful. She had the greatest personality. She was sweet. She spent the class laughing at all the other people. She looked shy and only seemed to only talk to the girl next to her. I made sure that I listened for her name when the class administrator called it. Her name was Misty Gage. The whole time we were having this class, I couldn't help looking at her. I think she noticed me noticing her at the time. Of course, I am not shy and I don't grow timid. All I wanted was to talk to her. A few days later, she had passed me while we were working. I spoke up and said,” Misty?! Smile, it becomes you!"
It seemed that I didn’t want or need to be alone. I loved the fact that someone could be there for me. I wanted that companionship that I had always searched for. I pursued Misty for weeks. At times, I thought this woman wasn’t at all interested in a guy like me. I just thought it was just another thing that I could toss it up to foolishness. I talked to her as often as I could, especially during breaks. Something drew me to her. I truly wanted to fall for this woman. Something inside told me that she would be safe for me to love.
We started having lunch together more often. At the time, I was still smoking. Don’t judge me! I then found out that she was allergic to the mixture of nicotine and the oils from your skin. That was the stopping point of all the smoking. We were talking one day and she was kind of timid in the way of telling me that she already had a little girl. I told her that it was fine. She said she thought I was going to find a problem with it just like everyone else had. I thought it was great.
We started dating on March 21st of 1998. I met Chrissy about three weeks after. She was this cute little, blonde, blue-eyed short person that was only 2 ½ years at the time. She was so tiny. She was adorable and sweet.
The verdict was still out on when I was to meet her family, although her mother gave her a lot of hassle about not meeting me yet. It was the strangest thing that Chrissy only let Misty’s dad hold her. It made my heart melt that when I first met her, I got to carry her into the house. It totally shocked Misty. Chrissy hardly spoke a word to any other person much less letting them hold her.
We were moving so fast in the relationship. I wasn’t complaining. I was used to it after all the years of my companionships with all my exes. Not too far after I met Chrissy, I met the rest of her family. Her mother, beautiful for her age, had a youthfulness that I had never seen. She and Misty could’ve been twins. They almost sounded exactly alike on the phone. Her father was a big burley man with a full beard. He was the type that you didn’t want to upset. She also had a little sister and a little brother. Her sister kind of kept to herself and her brother was active to say the least.
Within a month I had already proposed. It wasn’t anything special because I told her that I was going to do it. She said yes! I really wanted this to happen. I had proposed to other women before but this time it was a more natural thing to do. I was surprised that the answer was positive. I had gone through so much as far as emotions with my family at the time. I was upset most of the time and just wanted her near me. I needed a listening ear. I didn’t like the fact that I felt I was burdening her with all these issues. She continued to listen so I kept talking.
We had a lot of hardships that I didn’t expect but we made the best of the worst times. We had been engaged for about two years. Why so long? I haven’t a clue. We finally set a date for the wedding and got everything we thought we needed. I forget how much we actually spent on it so I guess it wasn’t that important in the way of money. It was all that we had hoped it would be. I felt happy that day. Despite of all the harsh feelings that I had for my family, they showed up and I was tearful.
The wedding was fabulous and the reception was fun in all aspects. We told everyone that we were happy with the way things had gone. The one thing we didn’t tell them is that Misty was about a month into pregnancy.
This is what I had wanted. I now had a family that I was missing for the most part of my life and now I had child of my own on the way. The only technicality was that Misty didn’t want her family to know right away. It was mainly due to her father’s high disappointment with her first pregnancy. At this time, I tried to explain the difference within the time span. Misty was a lot older now and her parents were possibly more suited to handle the news this time. Plus, I was more favorable in the eyes of her father than the absent father that abandoned Chrissy. Telling her parents was obviously a big deal more to her than it was to me. I just couldn’t understand. So, needless to say, we spent a lot of time not speaking of the baby. This is something that tore at me. I was disgruntled in the way of the whole subject. It was supposed to be to a happy time in our lives, not one to be muffled due to the fact that her parents would feel disappointed again. I really wanted to let the world know and to talk about the baby freely but I couldn’t.
Misty took her whole pregnancy in good stride. It wasn’t at all what I had expected. She didn’t have all the cravings that I have heard other women having. Did you know that some women crave dirt? I know right?! She dealt with the minor cramps better than I would have. All in all it was a smooth ride.
January 28, 2001 was the day we had to go to the hospital. She calmly came into the room and told me that we had to go right now. It took a while for the pregnancy to start. It was about five hours in the hospital. Everything was cool until Misty heard that she was going to have the baby right then and the doctor wasn’t there. I mean the nurses are trained to do so as well, right? That was the only time I ever saw Misty freak out. It was understandably an emotional day. She got her tubes tied that day as well.
Around twenty-eight minutes after one, Katelynn Diane Jeffrey was born! It was wonderful! We had brought a precious little girl into the world. Thank the Lord, she was healthy. She had, what we thought to be, light brown hair and blue eyes. Come to find out, she had bright red hair. Red hair runs on Misty’s side of the family. I have some trace of it but it was far down the line. She had a head full of hair though.
She was so cute! I was beginning to question if she was mine. I kid! I joke! Come on laugh with me. She was perfect! She was a little gift that I never expected to be so perfect. Now I felt proud like a father should feel. I could’ve flown away with only happiness to guide me. The day your child is born is one not to be forgotten.
Misty had become the one love I needed. She was the one I wanted for so long. She’d given me a loving place and a family I so desperately needed.
“First Time”- Life house (“Looking at you; holding my breath. For once in my life, I'm scared to death. I'm taking a chance; letting you inside.”)
“Truly, Madly, Deeply”- Savage Garden (“And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky. I'll make a wish, send it to heaven then make you want to cry. The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty that we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of…the highest power in lonely hours…the tears devour you.”)
Chapter Four
A Thin Line
There is a definite realism that is felt when it comes to family and friends. I felt it for nearly my entire young life. No one understood the things that went on within me. I confuse myself…. sometimes. I felt out of place with my family. I was the foreign exchange student of the family. I don’t understand why either. I was a good kid. I did the things that needed to be done to show my parents that I loved and respected them. I never quite understood why I had to endure these emotional wounds that weren’t healing fast enough. My family was left out of most of the things that went on with me. My life experiences had surpassed the ones of anyone else my age and I was too young to deal with them on my own. This is the reason I spent a lot of time by myself.
I built my life around the fact of listening to people’s problems. I felt I had to just to ignore my own. I still continue to do so at times. All anyone wants is to have someone that is neutral to vent to. On the other hand, I got tired of listening to all these issues and finding that no one was there to hear me. I guess people think that if you are the one that solves everyone’s problems that you have none of your own. Some of this is my own fault for not communicating with my family upon the hurt I had endured.
Kerry Victor Jeffrey, the name bestowed unto my father and to which I got my first and last name, was thought to be a totally different person than I. A lot of his traits were installed in me. He is very calm most of the time and unemotional for the better part of his life. I have come to the conclusion that I will, in fact, never know my father as well as I have always wanted to. I am content with that. I am left to feel that my dad is never going to know me. I love my dad more than he will ever know but most of the time I really needed a dad. It bothers me that he refuses to show any emotion and will not open up to his children the way we want him to.
The separation between my mother and father dealt a heavier blow than I originally thought. It’s not that I believe that the happenings between my parents truly messed me up for life. I will completely deny that. I think they are better off apart. I see where they both can drive each other crazy. They both had to move on to better themselves and us.
The blame is not upon my family. They are not the full cause of all the depressing emotion that I lived with everyday. But it is certainly where it started. I hated myself for all the sadness and rage. Why was I so different? Was this the real me? I couldn’t escape myself. I would’ve given anything to live in someone else’s shoes. Some of my friend’s lives seemed to be perfect.
My family wasn’t a bad one. They were good. I mean it could have been a lot worse. I believe that I was misunderstood a lot of the time. They say never blame yourself for things that are out of your control. I did though. I blamed myself for the communication break down between me and my father. As if I wasn’t trying hard enough on some level. I envied the guys that could talk to their fathers. It was like out of some movie that had the same life issues. I waited for the major life event that was supposed to happen to bring me and my dad together. But let’s face it, life is nothing like an after school special.
It’s funny that it’s hard to believe that they never wondered what was going on with me unless I expressed it through being really emotional. I don’t express much to family. I know they care about me. I feel I am always wrong with them. They do care about me but I always seemed a burden to them if ever I have a problem. I’m guessing that’s why I don’t share a lot with too many people. I figure they could care less. I am guilty of putting myself into that box.
All those years, you think that you’ll never be like your family. You stand at the crossroads. You don’t know which path to choose. If you are too close to the family you love, you end up like them. If you deny them, they end up rejecting you. It’s a hard lesson learned that no matter which path you chose, your family and their characteristics will be always inside you.
“Stay Together For The Kids”- Blink 182 (“It's hard to wake up when the shades have been pulled shut. This house is haunted. It’s so pathetic. It makes no sense at all. I’m ripe with things to say. The words rot and fall away. A stupid poem could fix this home, I'd read it everyday.”)
Chapter Five
Time Well Spent
Okay, back on track. (1991!) Seventh grade was when the big move to east Texas took place. The next four years didn't have much importance in the context of these writings. The major things that happened were I had a couple of bad relationships, embarrassed myself a lot, managed to make some friends with a few guys, tripped on shrooms for two hours of school thanks to one of those friends, got felt up with a foot massage to the groin during gym, beat up while in gym, and of course, me and a guy named William caught a glimpse of a sexy teachers panties with her in them. Well, that about covers the exciting part of those four years. The rest of the time I spent in my room writing and suffering from my so called syndrome.
Junior year was a time I started pointing my interests towards younger women. I thought maybe they would keep me company longer for they stay interested longer. They always said that a woman always looks for an older man anyways (Basically because of the maturity factor). Plus older guys know more and have more resources. I didn’t but I digress.
I guess it all started when my sister showed me a picture of this girl she was friends with. I thought she was cute, but for the time being I had my own problems with Kendra that had just broke up with me for the second time. Needless to say, I was interested. One year had lapsed before I even talked to girls. She knew who I was because of my sister and ditto on my part. I was sort of interested in this other girl at the time. Linda was her name. Psycho she was. Anyway, I went to this dance and that's where I met Linda. We ended up dancing the whole night, but Tabatha tried to get me to notice her. (Oh, sorry I didn't mention that before.) Her name was Tabatha. No need to give the last name. That night, I guess all gears were stuck on stupid! Linda and I dated for only a week. (I hope that wasn’t to confusing.)
We broke up on a Thursday, so I had all weekend to mope around the house. Monday rolled around and the first person I saw was Tabatha. She wasn't single at the time, but I didn't care. I could still talk to her. I told her hello and made her laugh a little bit. She introduced me to her boyfriend at the time. I don't remember his real name but everyone called him Doorknob. I still think that's funny. I don't know why. She broke up with him within two days and made it a point to tell me she was single. (Note taken!) A day and half later, we were a couple.
We spent every chance; every waking moment either talking to one another or smothering each other. I was content for once in my life. I spent time with her and her family. Her family loved me and even offered me choices that I didn’t have with my family. I learned a lot about love and life from her family. I loved her more than anything at the time.
After I graduated I started thinking about my education and thought the armed services would be a good idea. Right before the time I was to leave for the Marine Corp, I made it a point to visit my mom and grandparents. Problem was that Kendra still lived a couple of miles away. Needless to say, things got out of hand and Kendra and I ended up kissing and I let it go on for a little too long. It was long enough to make me feel terrible about what pain I just caused Tabatha and me. I went back and called to tell her what had happened. We broke up two weeks before I had to leave for boot camp. Which, if that hadn't taken place, I had the opportunity to decline the service. I loved her and yet my depression caused me to withdraw my feelings for her. I just wanted her. I also left Kendra at a standstill because I left without telling her goodbye. I always told her that if anything happened where I couldn’t take it anymore in east Texas, I would move in with her and possibly get married. I was ready to wed when I was eighteen because I felt marriage brought the love I deserved. I know this chapter is kind of confusing. I think I have explained it the simplest as I could.
The night before I had to leave Tabatha called me. She was saddened at the fact that I was leaving, but somewhere hidden under the tender voice was the realization that I had still hurt her. I told her I would miss her and I would see her soon.
Boot camp was spent very lonely due to the fact that the only people I had to write were family. I took a chance one day and wrote her a letter which said that I hadn't spent a day not thinking of her. She wrote back and told me she loved me and would like to get back together. So we did. I don't remember much of boot camp after that day. Before I left the base, after the graduation ceremony, I bought her a ring. I didn’t give Kendra another thought. For some reason I thought she had forgotten about me.
In the back of my mind I thought, "Wouldn't it be great if Tabatha was there?" There to meet me when I got off the plane?" I got off the plane in Texas, Tyler to be exact, and my family was so proud to see me. I looked at my family, (that I actually missed), and asked, "Where is she?" I knew at that moment she had to be there. She was! My family made it a point to have her there. On the way home, I asked her to marry me and she agreed.
Sadly, we only spent six more months together. Only then did I realize that I had truly fell in love with a person that understood the way I thought, the way I acted, and the way I had dreamt. Maybe she'll understand a little more of what I was thinking upon reading this.
I’m not quite sure what went wrong in the relationship but looking back I am only to guess. Maybe she was looking for stability or maturity. Both of which I did not have. She did make me happy though. Maybe she was just one those lights that I simply smothered away. It seemed to be a trend. It was so stupid to let my self esteem take root and not let me move further.
The last part of our relationship was spent arguing and misinterpreting each other, so we sort of agreed that we should split and mutually go our separate ways. Before the courtship ended, I went to a county fair and met up with some friends there. I think..! Maybe I'm a little fuzzy on that detail. Anyway...I ran into another one of Tabatha's friends. Her name was Melissa. That night, I felt so relaxed talking to her (like we had been friends forever). Of course, I was always so easy to talk to anyway. It was like she knew my walls were crumbling. She was there to help me pick up the pieces of tattered emotions that were falling to the bottom of my heart. I just thought I would take the time to thank her for that. For some reason we never went out with each other. I think I've kicked myself a few times on that note. Thanks for listening Melissa.
“Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town”- Pearl Jam (“I seem to recognize your face. Haunting familiar, yet I can't seem to place it. Cannot find the candle of thought to light your name. Lifetimes are catching up with me. All these changes taking place. I wish I'd seen the place but no one's ever taken me. Hearts and thoughts they fade. Fade away.”)