Aunt Barbara’s Powerful Little Book of Comfort
By
Barbara Dean Aliaga
SMASHWORDS EDITION
* * * *
PUBLISHED BY:
Barbara Dean Aliaga on Smashwords
Aunt Barbara’s Powerful Little Book of Comfort
Copyright © 2011 by Barbara Dean Aliaga
ISBN: 978-1-4660-0545-7
Smashwords Edition License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to http://www.Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.
Chapter One: Understanding Devestation
Chapter Three: Thoughts Can Change Your Situation
Chapter Five: The Power of Thoughts
Chapter Six: When Darkness Surrounds You
Chapter Seven: Using A Journal For Growth
Chapter Eight: On Health And Wealth
Chapter Nine: Questions And Answers
Chapter Ten: Letting A Situation Define You
Chapter Eleven: Moving Forward
Chapter Twelve: BONUS Journal Assistance
Thanks, Acknowledgements, And Dedication
Thank you to my niece, Maria Pilly, who has inspired me to write this book.
Thank you to my daughter-in-law, Justine Slack, for providing her editorial services. As all writers know, the unsung hero of any book is the editor who can detect the most isolated typo, grammatical snag and often hidden formatting blunder not to mention courage to say “this sentence is incomplete.” Ms. Slack provides a much-needed standard for self-published writers. I highly recommend her. (JSlack@ArtsAli.com)
This workbook to recovery is lovingly dedicated to all who have experienced a devastating loss.
Chapter One: Understanding Devastation
Devastation seldom sends a gold-leaf, “save-the-date” announcement. Sadly, you already know this. I imagine the shock of your devastating event has hit your life like lightning with a SWACK, and with little or no warning. You are left confused, off-balanced and miserable.
Devastation can come to those who have experienced a sudden detachment from the people, places and things so interwoven with their personal identity that it is hard to distinguish self from the lost person, place or thing. This book is written for those who have lost a loved one in death, in divorce or separation; those who have left home to go off to college or left their family and moved to a new location far away; those who have lost their homes, companies or jobs.
You may feel lost and alone. You may feel that no one can understand your sorrow, your need to sometimes be left alone and sometimes be supported. You are in such pain. It is all you can do to open your eyes in the morning. If you are able, you stumble through the day’s chores, but your heart cannot get away from the pain. You wonder if there is anything that can get you through this most unexpected situation.
It does not matter whether your best friend has died, you have suddenly found yourself in the hospital, you have lost your job, or you are going through a separation, ... Whatever your loss, you feel devastated and nothing or no one can seem to alleviate the pain.
You ask whether there is anything or anyone who can make the pain go away. Nothing in your life has ever felt this bad. Nothing.
Before we begin, may I tell you that I am most compassionate about your feelings and thank you for trusting me enough to at least consider the thoughts and suggestions within this book. What I will tell you, you already know, but because of this tremendous storm you have temporarily forgotten. I recommend you read a chapter each day rather than all at once. I am here with you during this great time of change and growth. Be at peace. Take a breath and feel the moment of quiet self. Try to find time to get away from your challenge and enter a time of inner, renewed quiet and eventual strength. You may not want to hear this right now, but you can survive, you can be happy once again. So, let’s begin.
There is a unique opportunity for you to grow toward a peaceful and happy existence. At this point, you may doubt that you will be able to get through this day. I wish for you to get beyond your sorrow for a brief but comforting moment. I imagine you want to grow from this devastating experience, to take the seeds of anguish, plant them in this now fertile soil, daily cultivate the positive sprouts of peace as well as weed out the ever-present sprouts of negativity.
You need to get moving, taking small but consistent steps. In the fifth grade I learned that idleness is the devil’s workshop. And, over the years, I know this to be true. You may wish to remain in bed or on the couch. And, while you will need sleep whenever you can take small bits of reprieve, it is important to actively be good to yourself. Do whatever feels good to you. Okay, I’ll say it again. Do whatever makes you feel good, and shun the thoughts that make you feel bad. This is a process. “Beginning” is all you need to do, yet I bet you are now tempted to put this book away and fall asleep. Well, go ahead, ...but when you wake up, I’ll be right here and ready to help you on your journey to peace and away from suffering, to a life full of creativity and happiness. This life is patiently waiting within you.
Yes. The true you understands that your body, mind and soul are disturbed. The you within knows what has taken place in your life. Would you be surprised to hear that the true you is not disturbed by any situation that takes place? And the true you remains at peace with an understanding that surpasses what you are feeling right now.
Part of getting started is to acknowledge that there is a you, a true you, who is of the same substance as God. Because you are made in the same substance as God, you have the power to get through your loss. You have the inherent ability to experience happiness in your life.
Begin with 20-minute therapy. Right now, you may feel like you don’t have the energy to make any choices. Perhaps you feel a little irritated at my suggestion to chose an activity. As we go on you will discover why your energy level is down. For now, please do not think or listen to your “I don’t want to’s”. Instead of deciding whether you wish to do what I am asking, choose any one action for 20 minutes only. Now. You will feel a smidgeon better in 20 minutes.
If you find one of these exercises helpful, try them all in the days ahead: 1) wash your hair with a gentle spirit 2) wash the dishes like you’ve never done before; 3) spray furniture polish on your favorite table; 4) change the arrangement of your silverware; 5) take the glasses down from your cupboard, wash them and put them back in a new, amazing arrangement.
If you like music, play your favorite piece.
In the sad event that you have lost your home, you may have to be creative when completing these 20-minute exercises. You may need to perform them in your mind because you have no material access at this time, and this will take a bit of concentration. Think of this as a virtual exercise or meditation. It will have the same effect and will take a bit more discipline and therefore provide you with a more rapid pace of recovery. During this time, you are not allowed to think of anything except the exercise at hand and/or the happy music that is playing.
Be patient with yourself. Because if you listen to your thoughts very closely, you will hear those weeds of negative, mournful thoughts creeping into your activity, and for now, gradually brush them away.
1) Hair wash with a gentle spirit: You may wish to begin with this exercise. Wash your hair. Expect it to feel great. Gently massage your scalp and congratulate yourself on how well you have managed during these difficult days. You may find that the fragrance reminds you of your loved one who is no longer here, or that you no longer have a shower of your own. Any loss will try to poke its head into your thoughts and snatch your moment of happiness. Gently turn your thoughts to the happy fragrance that now envelops you. Feel the warm water and gradually turn your thoughts to thankfulness for this water now. Be thankful for the warm feeling of the water and the clean hair. Progressively relax your shoulders. If you find yourself crying, let yourself cry. Continue to massage your scalp, rinse, thank the water for its warmth, apply a conditioner, be grateful for the conditioner and the smell of the conditioner, or apply another spot of shampoo and again thank the water for its warmth. Listen to your breath. Briefly notice you have poked a hole in your sorrow ever so briefly. Do not worry if sorrow rushes over you with a vengeance. Think of these thoughts as a storm that will quickly pass and does not need to concern you. Quietly thank the water for its warmth and feeling of security. With appreciation feel the restfulness. Ignore the knock-on-the-door of grief for now and turn toward gratitude for the feeling of warmth as the water rinses your hair. Feel your breath relax. Feel your well-being. Feel your security in this moment. Be still and know all is well.
When you are done, congratulate yourself for allowing you to take these twenty minutes to be good to your true self. You have done well. Now you may return to your mourning if you wish. Try to remember, though, how good you felt when you thanked the water. Try to remember that moment because we will build on it.
2) Wash the dishes like you never have before: You may choose to wash some dishes. Perhaps you have dirty dishes or perhaps you do not. You just need to locate some dishes, clean or dirty, and put them into a sink of warm, sudsy water. Gently turn your thoughts to how wonderful it feels to put your hands in the water and how good it smells. If the smells or feelings remind you of your loss, gently turn your thoughts to the beauty of the plate, the warmth of the water or the reflection of the bubbles. Be thankful for the feeling of the water or enjoy the plate as if you had seen it for the first time. Try not to go into a memory reminding you of your loss. Progressively become aware of what you are doing. Observe your hands. Be aware of how agile your hands are at picking up the sponge or washrag. Notice how much you can enjoy rinsing the dishes. Be thankful for your fingers. Think about the amazing network of blood vessels feeding your muscles that are at your disposal now to wash this plate. Experience the pleasure knowing that you are mysteriously connected to this awesome field of energy. Let yourself be open to any thoughts that bring you new pleasure. Gently move away from any thoughts that cause you pain. (They will be waiting for you when you complete your exercise. For this exercise only happy thoughts, please.)
As with all exercises, when you are done, congratulate yourself for allowing you to take these twenty minutes to be good to your true self. You have done well. Now you may return to your mourning if you wish. Try to remember how good you felt when you thanked the water and became reacquainted with your dishes. Try to remember that moment because we will build on it.
3) Spray furniture polish on your favorite table. First locate your favorite furniture polish. Then locate your favorite dusting cloth. If you don’t have a favorite, pronounce the one you’ve chosen as your favorite. Now gently remove all items from your favorite table. Breathe. Listen to your breath as you enjoy the look of your favorite table. Examine the curves, or carvings if there are any, and the finish. What do you like about this table? Now lavishly apply the polish like you are feeding the table with a new cover that will both protect and delight this table that delights you. Take your favorite cloth and gently swirl the polish around the table until it covers the entire piece. As you swirl, feel the motion. Smell the polish. Let yourself enjoy the feeling of cleaning and improving a table. Imagine your hands ice-skating over the table. Make designs and genuinely have a good time applying the polish. Think about how grateful you are that this table is with you. If this table is made out of wood, think about how it once belonged to a magnificent tree in the forest and how it has been ever present, awaiting to bring you the support you need now. Experience the satisfaction of creating a new look for your favorite table. If thoughts of the table bring memories of your loss, gently refocus your attention to the smell of the polish or a particular aspect of the table that you love. Breathe in your satisfaction for owning the table and imagine how happy your hands are to be touching the oil that is touching your favorite table. Stay with the positive thoughts of enjoying the present moment. When your table is polished to your happy satisfaction, place the pieces that will give you further enjoyment back on the table. Place pieces that may bring you sorrow in a “we’ll see” box for storage in the garage or storage room. Sit back and enjoy the look of your table. Again, be thankful for this moment.
As with all exercises, when you are done, congratulate yourself for allowing you to take these twenty minutes to be good to your true self. You have done well. Now you may return to mourning over your loss. Try to remember how good you felt when you became acquainted with your favorite table. Try to remember that moment because we will build on it.
4) Change the arrangement of your silverware drawer. This is a fun exercise. It will give you an opportunity to occupy your attention with many items, shapes and smooth textures. First, fill your kitchen sink with warm, sudsy water. Take all of the silverware out of the drawer and place in the sink of suds. Notice all the little pieces that you have forgotten. Place them to the side of the sink. If you have a silverware container, place it on top of the silverware. Now take a washcloth and clean out the drawer. If there are other utensils in the drawer, take them all out and pretend that you have just bought them. You are very pleased with your choices. If you find anything that does not please you at this time, place them in a “we’ll see” box for storage in the garage or storage room. If you wish, you can take the extra utensils that surrounded the silverware tray to the sink for washing also.
Now put your hands in the warm sudsy water and feel the clean, loving water. Take a deep breath and thank the water for its amazing cleansing energy. Take the silverware tray and closely inspect it for little crevices that need special cleaning attention and have been missed in the past. With gentleness, rinse the tray and don’t forget to smell the fragrance of the soap and feel the warmth of the water. Take a towel and dry the tray and your hands. Notice how good it feels to clean up this tray. Decide how you want to replace your silverware in this newly refurbished tray. Listen to your breathing. See if you can find your smile of satisfaction. If you cannot yet find your smile, do not become discouraged. “You” are in there and “you” will emerge in time. I have all the confidence in you, and with a little patience, we will find “you”. So place your silverware and then place your extra utensils. Do not be surprised if you hear little comments like, “I don’t know what you want those things for,” or “You shouldn't have that,” or “Why am I doing this?” Just ignore those thoughts during these exercises and replace them with thoughts of gratitude for the feeling of the warm water, the feeling of gratitude for having this great silverware to eat with and the smells of soap.
As with all exercises, when you are done, congratulate yourself for allowing you to take these twenty minutes to be good to your true self. You have done well. And, for now, you may return to mourning if you wish. Try to remember how good you felt when you became acquainted with your silverware drawer! Try to remember that moment because we will build on it.
5) Take the glasses down from your cupboard, wash them and put them back in a new, amazing arrangement. If you are beginning to look at these clean-up exercises as chores rather than times of pleasure, it’s time for an attitude adjustment. These exercises are for your enjoyment. After all, your glasses don’t really need to be taken down from the cupboard. But there is something so satisfying when you focus on and touch things in your house. So, it’s time to begin.
Open up the cupboard that contains your glasses, and take every glass down until the cupboard is empty. Now fill up the kitchen sink with warm, sudsy water. Take a dish cloth and squeeze out the water. Wash every corner of the cupboard. If the lining looks a bit shabby, it may be a good time to take advantage of a trip to the store to buy some bright, brand-new shelf-lining paper. Ah-h-h-h. It might feel good to get out and now you have a reason for the trip. Be sure to stop by the ice-cream store and splurge on a small but delicious cone. Now you’re having fun. Now you’re taking care of the special person within. When you get home with your new shelf-lining paper, you realize you have a project. A project that does not have to do with your sorrow. A project for your own good. Your shelves are clean and what would you like to do with all your glasses? You could just wash them for fun to feel the warm water that you have refilled as soon as you got home. Now you are placing the glasses on the shelf in an order that makes you feel so secure and happy in this peaceful moment. You look at your glass cupboard and realize you have placed your mark on the cupboard. It is yours. And, during these moments you feel good!
There is no denying that your loss has changed everything.
It is to be hoped that you took a little break and are ready to begin this recovery process again. You will probably agree that what you are going through is a crash course in spirituality, general semantics, universality, science, philosophy, psychology, and who knows what else. You didn’t ask for this change.
You may be resisting this sudden devastation. You don’t remember anyone asking if you wanted to change. And, that feeling hurts! Whether your God is a picture of a loving father, a mighty deity, a universe, a flower, tree or river, the stars above or an unknown energy, I hope love is the center of your understanding.
Depending on your understanding of how things should be, you could experience an equivalent surprise. You may feel confusion. You may even feel that your belief system has let you down. And that hurts worst of all. You may feel that whatever your understanding is, it has allowed this loss to occur. How could this happen, you repeat to yourself throughout the day. I didn’t think this could ever happen to me. You are lost in your surprise and you are drowning in your sorrow.
Probably you feel like crying right now. When you read the words above, your whole reality changes to sadness. Thoughts created these emotions. You can control your thoughts that lead to unhappy feelings.
Consider this. Your attitude, your thoughts, can create 100 percent of your happiness or unhappiness. Thoughts have power. A very clever person came up with this interesting piece of information: when you count the letters in “attitude” as they fall in the alphabet they add up to 100%.
A=1 T=20 T=20 I=9 T=20 U=21 D=4 E= 5
Word = 100 percent
This is a brilliant way to remember that your attitude will produce one hundred percent of your reality. If the majority of your day is spent with an attitude of sorrow, there is nothing to be expected but a sorrowful day. It does not mean that you have to sustain positive attitudes 100% of the day. However, the more positive attitudes or thoughts you can entertain during the day, the happier your situation seems to become. You draw more, and more happy thoughts to your mind and your reality manifests more, and more happy situations for you and those around you.
When a loved one dies or leaves you in marriage, your attitude can be nothing less than sorrowful. You and your loved one may have been so very close, and now you are overflowing with thoughts of separation and loss.
When you suddenly end up in the hospital with a devastating disease, your attitude can be nothing less than dreadful. You are filled with thoughts of loss.
When you lose your job or your home, your attitude can be nothing short of fear. You are filled with thoughts of loss.
In all of these scenarios, your initial attitude will be unhappy. The rush of unhappy thoughts cause a blanket of unhappy situations.
Drugs that can suppress these sad thoughts are available and may be useful to you. There can be another way to let the negative thoughts drift off into oblivion by replacing them with warm, happy thoughts. I am here to help you get through.
The key is to begin soon to redirect all of this unhappiness toward attitudes of well-being. Because if you allow yourself to continue down the road of misery, you begin to construct a more permanent tape recording that will be played over and over and over. Each time it is played you will feel bad and you will hopelessly create a sad reality and wonder why.
There are moments after a loss that you wish you could have done or said something differently and you become entangled in those self-defeating thoughts. It will do no good to continue to try to relive these moments. You can only learn from any feeling that you have and remember how you want to act when future opportunities present themselves. You can replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts in a split second.
This is an opportunity, a way to change things before they become your way of life. You cannot ask people to rescue you from the pain and continually host thoughts of sorrow.
Little by little, you need to build roads, make inner tape recordings that make you feel happier. This is a gradual process and you are beginning and succeeding as you read and as you create your positive thoughts.
You may have always thought that you had little to do with your reality. You may have heard from earliest years, “What will be, will be”. I have experienced that it is a good thing to accept what is, what has taken place. I have also experienced that I can cause a brighter future by living with positive thoughts in the present moment. I have experienced the fact that I can change things with my attitude. I am convinced that your thoughts can cause a happier reality.
What are positive thoughts? They are easy to identify. Positive thoughts cause good feelings, like wellness, peacefulness, ease, cooperation and laughter, to name a few. Negative thoughts cause bad feelings, like disease, irritation, arguments, anger, and bullying. It is simple. It is straightforward. I often wonder why so often the differentiation eludes most of us. I often observe the internal struggle to govern our thoughts.
Thoughts seem to magically appear and we are unconscious of their origin. This unconsciousness is counterproductive to our desire for happiness. We can choose our thoughts. More clearly, we can choose to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Now I’ve challenged you! Now you can leave your miserable feelings and come to a state of happiness for the rest of your life! It is your choice to become conscious of what is going on in your mind.
Sometimes the easiest way to leave negative thoughts is to do something physical. If you’re feeling overwhelmed now, it might help to go to the closest sink and wash your hands. Take your time, use soap and suds up. Feel the water flow through your fingers. Smell the fragrance. Wash your hands until you begin to feel better. Listen to your breathing. See if you can smile at your amazing hands. See if you can find yourself. Now.
If you are in a state of confusion because of a sudden loss, you have a unique opportunity to open your limited view of heaven and earth. You have an excellent opportunity to grow in wisdom and grace.
I can hear you saying, I don’t want this opportunity. I want the things the way they were. I want things back to the way they were. That is indeed an attitude, but one that does not render happiness. It is a negative attitude that you are a victim and with that attitude you will produce a life for yourself that reflects a victim’s lifestyle. Is that really what you want? Didn’t you begin this book so that you would no longer be a victim? Didn’t you want to be happy? Didn’t you ask whether you would ever be happy again? How can you move pass this loss, you ask?
You move pass it by consistently creating an attitude that is positive. Remember positive attitudes produce happy outcomes. Negative attitudes produce unhappy outcomes. It is simple. ...and that is the big surprise. It is simple.
Choose Attitudes That Create Better Situations: Consider the difference in Positive Thinking versus Negative Thinking.
I am thankful for what I have versus I am afraid I won’t have enough.
I know things will turn out all right versus I’m afraid I’m in for a rough time.
I love all people versus People always let me down.
I am the luckiest one in the world versus I never win anything.
I wonder what I can do for someone today? Versus I wonder if someone will help me today.
I’m going to find something to eat today that makes me happy versus There’s never anything good to eat in this house.
I will have what I need versus I never get what I want.
I’m going to call a friend today versus Why don’t my friends call me.
I’m grateful for my general health versus I hope I don’t catch the flu thats going around.
Chapter Four: Rest Is More Than Sleep
Sleep. There are all types of sleep. The best sleep is restful sleep. Instead of trying to insist on 8 hours of sleep, you might want to try shorter expectations and then celebrate the achievement of, say a 4-hour nap at night. Take a break from expectations. When you are sleeping fitfully, letting your mind chew on all your sorrowful thoughts as if you have no choice, you are choosing attitudes, or at least allowing attitudes to seep into your reality that cause pain.
I can think of two significant reasons that you may not sleep: worry and worry. From my desktop dictionary:
worry |ˈwərē|
verb ( worries, worrying, worried )
1 [ no obj. ] give way to anxiety or unease; allow one's mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles: he worried about his soldier sons in the war | [ with clause ] : I began to worry whether I had done the right thing.
• [ with obj. ] cause to feel anxiety or concern: there was no need to worry her | I've been worrying myself sick over my mother | [ with obj. and clause ] : he is worried that we are not sustaining high employment.
• (as adj. worried) expressing anxiety: there was a worried frown on his face.
• [ with obj. ] cause annoyance to: the noise never really stops, but it doesn't worry me.
2 [ with obj. ] (of a dog or other carnivorous animal) tear at, gnaw on, or drag around with the teeth: I found my dog contentedly worrying a bone.
• (of a dog) chase and attack (livestock, esp. sheep).
• [ no obj. ] (worry at) pull at or fiddle with repeatedly: he began to worry at the knot in the cord.
noun ( pl. worries )
a state of anxiety and uncertainty over actual or potential problems: her son had been a constant source of worry to her.
• a source of anxiety: the idea is to secure peace of mind for people whose greatest worry is fear of attack.