Surviving In-vitro Fertilization
IVF Stories and
Inspiration from the women who have been there
by Karen Daniels
Copyright © 2011 Karen Daniels
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This book is available in print at most online retailers
Faith is a soft gentle feeling - a sweet spot upon which to rest your fear. I don’t know exactly where faith lies in one’s body, but you know it when you have it. Perhaps faith is borne out of the fear itself, or the realization that once you’ve done all you can do there is nowhere else to go but forward. In the end, what else is faith, but your all?
dedicated to the
strength
that lies within all women
Table of Contents
IVF
Stories and Advice
Ms. X’s Story
Bianca’s
Story
Shirley’s Story
Monica’s story
Julie’s Story
The
One Piece of Advice
Posts from an IVF Forum
Quick Tips and Advice from IVF Veterans
Talk
like an IVF Pro
Definitions and Words to Know
Other IVF Books by Karen Daniels
Excerpt, IVF: The Ultimate Reality Game
I used to believe that if a woman were meant to have a child – she would. In-vitro fertilization, IVF, was only for those who didn’t know when they should give up. And then I found myself to be one of those women. But, rather than go childless, I changed my opinion. What the hell!
Even in the midst of infertility and IVF I didn’t consider myself infertile. Just having problems conceiving. It was denial, of course, a way of not putting myself in a slot for fear I’d stay stuck there. Each month I longed for pregnancy, and each month when menses began, I mourned. A deep form of grief, as if each unfertilized egg were the loss of a child. Because for me it was. I cried a lot, often when alone for fear of appearing obsessed, which I was. The longing for a child does not diminish with failure, or even when faced with the impossibility of it due to age or hormone levels. I was already in my 40’s when I began my IVF journey.
I think I believed that having a child is a fundamental right of femaleness. I never wanted children, even well into my 30’s. I was too selfish, and knew it, and didn’t want my life changed in that way. So I went along my merry way and then it started to creep in, the need, the longing. It was as if I’d grown past my wanting to live only for myself. I wanted something more, something bigger, something beyond me. And then I got married and we tried to get pregnant. Months passed. No pregnancy. That marriage ended and with it, for awhile, my desire for children.
I moved on and went into a long period of self examination and eventually reconnected with someone I’d known long before. Again, wanting children came back to haunt me and we tried to conceive for a year before admitting that we had to seek help. I assumed the problem was me because of my age, and since I had not conceived in my previous marriage.
As a woman, it’s very difficult to accept that you are infertile. For a long time I felt betrayed by my body and I spent time trying to bring my energy into a place where my body could function normally, so I could conceive ‘naturally.’ I wondered, if it couldn’t work that way, was it not meant to be?
Or had I created the IVF journey in my life in order to learn something from it? I had no answer to this but the deep seated and firmly implanted need for a child drove me forward. I could not accept no children. Oh, I knew I could go on, and do things and even be whole, for I was. But this something more that are called children are the one thing you can’t move away from once they’re here. So even as I questioned whether it was right, we moved forward with IVF. I finally came to rationalize it like this; if I had a health problem I would seek whatever medical help needed to get well. IVF is a health problem, not a moral problem. I needed help to ‘get well.’
As I edit this book, the stories contained here are a look back, for a few years have since passed. And I am a mom. I had my first child when I was 46, and then I had twins at 48. (My whole journey is laid out in my book In-vitro Fertilization: The Ultimate Reality Game).
Many things happened along the way. Some horrible. Some great. One of the great things was the women – the amazing, strong, powerful women who were living in the IVF trenches with me, going back for more in their quest to become MOM. These are the IVF veterans. Some of their stories are contained in this book.
IVF is, on your best days, a journey that empowers you toward your ultimate goal of being a mom. And on your worst days it’s a nightmarish-depressing-energy-sucking-black-hole from which you feel you’ll never emerge.
Yet emerge you will. Every woman always does, in one form or another.
The stories contained in this book are from women who have been there, in the IVF trenches. They all have a story to tell, and some hard-earned thoughts they want to share with other women who are considering, or just starting, the IVF road.
May your IVF journey be short and fruitful.
– Karen Daniels
Of course, the title of this section is a misnomer because there is really no such thing as a typical cycle as each woman’s body is different, and every doctor does it differently. This is only a very basic guideline to give you the idea of what happens when.
Day 1: 1st day of heavy menses: AM Dose of injected Lupron. PM Dose of Gonal F and HMG (human menopausal gonadotropin – a mixture of lutenizing hormone and follicle stimulating hormone).
Day 2: AM Dose of injected Lupron. PM Dose of Gonal F and HMG.
Day 3: AM Dose of injected Lupron. PM Dose of Gonal F and HMG.
Day 4: AM Dose of injected Lupron. Ultrasound and estradiol blood test. Result determines dose change.
Day 6: AM Dose of injected Lupron. Ultrasound and estradiol blood test. Result determines dose change.
Day 8: AM Dose of injected Lupron. Ultrasound and estradiol blood test. Result determines dose change.
Day 9: Tentative Ultrasound and estradiol blood test
Day 10: Possible Day of HCG shot. HCG is human chorionic gonadotropin which stimulates ovulation.
Day 11: Start antibiotic in PM.
Day 12: Egg retrieval, sperm needed.
Day 13: Fertilization check
Day 14: Embryos are not disturbed
Day 15: Day 3 embryo transfer if being done (or 2 days from now, 5 day transfer)
Day 26: Progesterone and estradiol blood test
Day 29: Pregnancy Test; Beta HCG, progesterone and estradiol test.
What if my child never comes home
to nestle in my womb
to suckle
to call me Mom?
Where will I go?
What will I do?
Who will I be?
Still me
though less so
sadder
older
still yearning.
What if there is no dancing
no singing
no hope?
Those little feet
to hold in my hand
I think of this
and smile.
I think of this
and cry.
Come home baby, come home
to be with me.
IVF Stories and Advice
by women who have been
there
The following stories, thoughts, and advice, were shared with me by IVF veterans; women who have been through in-vitro more than once, in the hopes that they could help others thinking of, or going through, in-vitro fertilization.
Note - all doctor’s names have been abbreviated and other identifying facts have been modified. Beyond that, these stories are just as these women lived, and wrote about, them.
Ms. X’s Story
From miscarriage, to donor eggs, to twins, this is Ms. X’s story.
I went off birth control pills three years ago when I was 29. I wasn't really ready or trying to become pregnant, but felt open to it and wanted to be in a position to get pregnant. Several months before I turned 30 I suddenly felt ready so my husband and I began trying, but without ovulation kits or much thinking. After a few months I realized I needed a little help figuring out the right timing so we began using the ovulation kit.
Six or seven months later, after very diligent trying, I became pregnant. We were thrilled and relieved. Days before finding out I was pregnant, my husband and I met with my OB to discuss why we had not yet conceived. She sent my husband for sperm analysis. Two days after I received my positive we received a call from the OB explaining that my husband’s sperm was problematic (6% morphology) and she was very happy we were pregnant because otherwise we would need IVF. At 7 weeks after seeing a heartbeat I miscarried. We were devastated and moved to IVF. Three months after the miscarriage we began IVF #1.
I wasn't a very good responder (few follicles/eggs) but managed to get pregnant. Again, we were very happy and relieved. At 8.5weeks I miscarried again. Once again I had a d&c and tissue biopsy. Again it was "normal." I had full immune workup and it was determined that I have inherited thrombophilia and was told I would need lovenox when pregnant again. Two months later I did another cycle. It was negative.
I went directly into cycle #3; negative. Before #4 my RE suggested exploratory laparoscopy because he thought I had endometriosis that had affected my egg quality and production. I had the laparoscopy the same day as my fourth egg retrieval. Stage IV endometriosis was determined. Additionally, my tubes were found to be badly scarred. I got a positive from that cycle but knew something was wrong as my beta was low (but doubling) and I was bleeding like a regular period. Ten days later I had another laparoscope’s to remove my ectopic pregnancy and cauterize the tube. I was enormously depressed after this experience and decided I was done taking stimulation drugs and wanted to move to donor eggs.
A donor was chosen for me and I liked the description of her. As the cycle approached six weeks later I became apprehensive about giving up on my eggs. I decided to cycle with the donor. I was lucky that our cycles were almost exactly the same. I started stimulation drugs a couple days ahead of her but we both had our egg retrievals on the same day. At embryo transfer day I had five embryos from my eggs that were okay looking and eighteen great looking ones from the donor. We transferred three of mine (5, 6, 8 cell) and four of hers (all 8's or better). Eight days after my three day transfer I learned I was pregnant. A couple weeks later I learned I was carrying twins.
Do family and friends know you've been through/are going through IVF?
Everyone knows about our IVF's and miscarriages. We were very open about our cycles and our diagnosis'. However, no one outside of my parents has any idea we used donor eggs, nor do ever plan to share this information with anyone including our children.
How has infertility affected your life?
I became quite depressed after cycle #3 failed and sank even lower after the ectopic pregnancy. The whole process became enormously overwhelming and I questioned whether I would ever experience a successful pregnancy. Not only was I worried that it could take countless cycles to conceive again, I was very anxious that I would have another miscarriage. That is part of what influenced my decision to go with donor eggs. I felt as though miscarriage was more likely than not and I was anxious about taking more stimulation drugs and further increasing my health risks from them. I was relatively unhappy during this time, but it did not adversely affect my marriage or my work. I really enjoyed work because it was a good distraction and my marriage thrived under this burden. My husband and I became closer and began imagining our life without children. We took a wonderful, romantic trip to Paris after the ectopic pregnancy and I came back prepared to give IVF one last chance and really felt that if it didn't work I/we would be ok. I really snapped out of the funk I had been in all summer and began re-appreciating my life as it was.
Would your life be okay if you didn't have children? How many children would you like to have?
I think my life would be ok without kids if it had to be that way. I used to think I would never adopt, but now am not so sure. I would be very sad to not be able to be a mother and not watch my husband be a father but I no longer think my life would be ruined by being childless.
I think being a parent will be enriching and fulfilling and challenging, and I would be upset to miss the experience. But, my life is already wonderful in many ways that I had lost sight of during IVF and I would concentrate my energies on other areas of my life if being a parent weren’t a possibility. All in all, while certainly not my first choice, I don't believe it would be the horrible fate I once thought it was. Before being pregnant with twins, I always wanted one child. My husband and I are both only children and I used to joke that we weren't qualified to have more than one kid. I loved being an only child so to me it seemed like the way to go. However, since the moment I found out I was having twins, two seems ideal. I am a very good adapter. If I had been pregnant with one, I would not go through another IVF again. I would be happy if I 'found' myself pregnant, though.
Name some things you've used to help cope with infertility.
I have certainly done my share of crying and hiding in bed. The real way I coped was to keep on going. Doing my cycles back to back kept me sane. I would have fallen into a much deeper depression if I had had long periods of waiting between cycles. I was not in therapy during any of my IVF's but returned when I found out I was pregnant. I knew I would need support to get me through pregnancy and all of my fears surrounding it.
Taking what you know now, what decisions/things would you do differently at the beginning of your IVF journey if you could start over?
I wouldn't change anything. It took two miscarriages to do immune tests. It took a couple failed cycles to identify the endometriosis. I wish I had had that info going into IVF, but it is unrealistic to think we could have figured it out without the failures to guide us.
Do you think infertility makes/ will make you a different kind of mother than someone who got pregnant in the 'traditional' way? (Whether you've been successful with IVF, adopted, or are still trying)
I think infertility makes motherhood a very conscious decision, whereas for many women without infertility motherhood is more inevitable. To go through the physical and emotional (not to mention economical) toll of IVF you have to be wholly unambivalent about motherhood. I have many friends who say they would not have been willing to endure what I have to become a parent and I can't help but wonder what kind of mothers they are/will become. I feel extremely fortunate and grateful to be given the opportunity to become a mother. It truly is a privilege and I know I will be a better parent having been through so much to get there.
What advice would you give to someone just starting on the IVF journey?
I would say it can be easy for some and grueling for others. I would warn that it is far from a sure thing and to be prepared to do several cycles before succeeding and that for some, success can be elusive. IVF can be a sprint or a marathon.
Author note: Ms. X is now the proud mother of thriving twins.