Making Love :
The Ultimate Guide To Real Love And Joy
By Henry Vargas
Table of Contents
Introduction
What Is Love?
Chapter 1
If I Wanted Patience, I'd Be A Doctor...
Chapter 2
Hold The Kindness, Thank You...
Chapter 3
I Can't Bear It Anymore...
Chapter 4
I Hope This Helps...
Chapter 5
Believe Me...I Love You...
Chapter 6
Can You Endure My Love?
Conclusion
Love Never Fails...
Bonus Chapter
Truth About Love
What is Love?
Introduction
Have you ever had a pet that you loved? Or do you have a never-ending love for a friend or family member? Or maybe you love to shop, watch movies or play sport? These are just a few of the ways we use the word love. Love, according to Dictionary.com, is mostly defined as a feeling or an act of intimacy.
However, as you'll discover through reading this book and watching the DVD Documentary "Love Making; The Secrets to Really Loving Someone", there is a much greater definition of Love and what it means to love somebody than just mere emotions. You'll learn how to determine whether the person your involved with is really wanting to make the relationship work or if he or she is there just for the ride.
There are many concepts in this book, and the DVD, that you may find surprising. You possibly will find yourself having thoughts you never had. The principles you'll learn in this book may challenge what you currently believe it means to Love.
So while you may not agree with everything that is written here, I can assure you that this all comes from personal experience and so it is proven to be true and real. All that is required of you right now is that you keep an open mind while reading each chapter and completing the exercises at the end of each chapter.
With that said, let's start this wonderful journey towards Making Climatic Love. By the way, this is not a book on sexuality or sexual relationships. Although if you follow these principles in your marriage or romantic relationship you'll quickly discover how they will improve the quality, satisfaction and frequency of your sex life.
Chapter 1
If I Wanted Patience, I’d be a Doctor!
You may have heard someone once say that the definition of patience is being able to put up with another persons arrogance, pride, anger and foolishness, and you may agree to some degree. What you are going to learn in this chapter is the first proof that when you love someone you’re not really putting up with anything.
One thing that we all know to be true is that in relationships a lot of times there is a 'give a little, take a lot' type of feeling. There are a lot of "I’ll hurt him before he hurts me feelings". At least that has been my experience with many of the people that I have talked with before and during the writing of this book.
One of the unfortunate things I’ve heard about relationships is that they are a bittersweet necessity in life. Sweet in all the great times and fun, the compassion and support, the “love” and care that comes with companionship, but bitter in the way that the guy always talks about himself and never lets her say anything, or when she is always nagging about your friends, with countless other bitterness’ and sweetness’.
Another thing I’m sure you’ve noticed is that all the media and magazines are bent on proving that she’s cheating or that he has a secret you’ll never discover, all aimed towards making the relationships you're in more like enemy territory instead of a loving companionship where both him and her are free to be open and express their concerns and feelings.
Now as the title implies, this chapter is about patience. Oh what a wonderful word is patience isn’t it? I once heard someone say, like the title of this chapter, “If I wanted patience, I’d be a doctor”. How true is that in so many ways in our relationships. Patience is almost a lost value and character trait, which is probably why when we meet a person with patience, it seems rare, because it is.
An interesting thing I learned about patience is that anyone can be patient and that it can be developed. Now a sad thing about patience is that some times we don’t really know what it means to be patient and so we don’t know how to show patience. (Lets put it together; Patience is the first evidence of loving someone).
For this reason I did a study on the word patience and discovered that the word means long-suffering and even more it means to remain calm in misunderstandings. Wow! How plain is it to understand and how clear it is to apply to our lives and relationships now, right?
Patience is not just some word that is thrown about like an old newspaper; it has a meaning behind it. It is actionable, now you have a clearly stated way of showing you love somebody by being patient, by remaining calm in misunderstandings!
Definition of Misunderstanding
A misunderstanding as defined by webster is "1. To fail to understand." and “2. To interpret incorrectly". This second definition is the one I am discussing here. To interpret something incorrectly is the cause for little fights turning into big fight. This indicates how important it is to get clarity when communicating and when doing everything.
It's quite clear that you can look back on your past relationships and see how that girlfriend that meant so much to you (guys) or that boyfriend that meant the world to you (ladies), and realize that maybe one of the reasons that the relationship ended was because you or both of you did not show you loved the other by being patient, by remaining calm in misunderstandings.
Think about the last argument you had that ended the relationship. Surely you know that an argument is nothing more than a loud, emotionally driven misunderstanding. Think now what would have happened if you hadn’t raised your voice, or maybe it wasn’t you who initially got loud and emotional but think now if you had remained calm. I am sure you can see that the result would have been different.
Here are a few reasons why remaining calm in misunderstandings is important and a proof of love.
First, as long as you remain calm you are more in control of your emotions and you won’t blurt out something you’ll later on regret.
Secondly, you will be able to see things more clearly in the misunderstanding or disagreement then if your temper was flaring!
Thirdly, if the other person loses their temper, you’ll be able to calm them down by remaining calm, or they’ll end up leaving the room until they calm down.
Let’s take a closer look at these three reasons before we move on. Starting with the first, which is remaining calm because you stay more in control of your feelings and not turn it into an emotional war to see who can hurt whom more. You’ll be able to control the outcome better since you’ll be making a conscious decision about the words you are using versus the words that come out of anger.
Staying In Control of Your Emotions
This is important because you may still have some resentment from the last disagreement you’ve had, or you haven't been expressing every feeling you have towards the other person. Including the possibility of still having the baggage from the past relationships that have only fueled the fire more, which may now cause you to bring up topics or issues that aren't part of your current relationship. Since you have been building up already a bunch of little angers that could explode like a grenade and cause all kinds of injury; emotional, psychological or even physical because you have not vented.
Research has shown that you can stay calm and control your emotions better by taking deep breaths, counting backwards or many other techniques. Look into Patience Exercises and you'll find the most effective ways to improve this part of your life. Let me also remind you that when you’re in control of your emotions, you think more clearly than if you let your emotions run wild and take over the controls of your mind.
Getting To The Core Issue
Which leads me to the second reason for remaining calm in misunderstandings, because you'll be able to see more accurately the real issues. I realized during one of my past relationships that most arguments are not about what the argument is mainly about.
In other words, there are "surface" issues that are used in misunderstandings that are not the core issue. What this means is that remaining calm is important because it lets you get past the surface issues to get to the real issue. Which will result in the relationship improving and you getting closer with the person you love.
The Power of Influence
Finally, let me emphasis on the importance of remaining calm in a misunderstanding for the power of influence. What I mean by this is that you can choose whether to add wood to the fire and turn it into a disagreement and then into an all out fight. Or, you can choose to remain calm, suffocating the fire. What I mean is that in a misunderstanding what you say and whether you respond or react has a very real, very significant effect on the other persons behavior.
Understanding the power of influence that you and the one you love bring into a misunderstanding is very important. You may try to deny this or may not want to accept it, but it is true. Both you and your loved one can determine how the other will respond by your behavior, language and actions during the misunderstanding.
The fact that you remain calm and keep a relaxed body language and normal conversational tone and volume, your loved will have but two choices. One, calm down him/herself, or two; he/she will leave the room with the issue unresolved and will either return when they have calmed down or you can later start a conversation to uncover what the real issue was.
Importance of Clarity
So why is it important to reach clarity and how will it make a difference in your relationship with the person you love? Well, it's really simple, because when you have clarity and have good, clear communication with your loved one than your relationship has more harmony because there are less misunderstandings because both people, or at least you, are being more patient.
So how do you get this clarity that is so important? It takes more than just saying what’s on your mind and leaving it at that. Understand that it does take more effort to make sure that your communication was received the way you intended it and that it has been interpreted correctly.
This requires you to ask for feedback from the other person about what you have said, and not getting mad if it was misinterpreted. You can do this by asking questions and having the person feedback the point you are making in their own words to make sure they grasp what you wanted to share.
In the next chapter we'll be discussing the importance and impact of the Climax Number Two: Being Kind.
Climax 1 Exercise
Are you ready? Here it is...
GET MAD! Get Really, Really MAD. Then tell yourself to be cool and talk quietly. In fact, find something (preferably something about yourself that you want to improve) that just sets you on fire, then try talking to someone about it in a whispering voice, preferably your loved one.
You'll soon find this hard to do due to the fact that you’re mad. Then after you've done this. Get mad again but this time get even madder than before, again talk with someone about it in a whisper. This is an exercise in controlling your emotions.
Here is another exercise. Think about something again that makes you mad and really irritated. Then take a pen and paper and write down how you feel about it. Here's the rule, you can't use blame or accusation terms, i.e. he/she... , because they..., etc. These are not expressing how you feel they're just pointing blame and responsibility elsewhere.
I've left some lines below so you can do this exercise right now.
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Chapter 2
Hold That...
Let's face it. The reality is that most of us where not taught to be kind and if we were, it's not easily applied. When you imagine being kind, what do you see? Maybe holding the door for someone (because you were already going through the door) or maybe showing empathy for someone who is going through a sad circumstance.
Maybe you think being kind means always giving away your strength and being very passive. If you believe any of the above to be kind, let me make you aware of this mistake. The following chapter is here to assist you in gaining clarity about what the original meaning of the word Kind really is.
In it's original Greek context, the word kind literally means to "Show oneself useful". Now take a few minutes and think about how radically different that is from what you currently think it means to be kind. It has an even greater impact when you apply it to understanding that Love is Kind and so Loving someone means to show yourself useful to that person.
Question is, "What exactly does that mean?", allow me to give you an example. Let's contrast the above examples and see how they can apply to being genuinely kind. Lets say for example the holding of the door, now if you think that holding the door for someone behind you is kind, its really not. Think about it, if your kindness is passive, it's what I call "Convenience Kindness".
What is Convenience Kindness?
Convenience kindness... a term you may have never heard before but you surely have experienced it and most likely have performed an act of convenient kindness. You know, the time you were leaving a restaurant after lunch and as your stepping out of the door, you notice a person behind you leaving as well so you hold the door for a few more seconds than you were going to, to let the other person get a hold of the door before it closes, but you know that if they take too long we would just let the door close.
Or the fact that you are waiting in line at the movies and a friend of yours starts telling you about a situation they're going through, and you just stand there and pretend that your listening only because you have to stay in line so your forced to hear what your friend is talking about. This is another scenario of "Convenience Kindness".
What is Genuine Kindness?
However, if you take those same acts, let's say holding the door for someone, which is being kind and showing yourself useful. If you open and hold the door for your significant other or person that you want to express Love to. In my case, my goal is to show everyone Love and the Love of God. So this would apply in the following manner.
If it's a business relationship, one way that you can show yourself useful is, if during your conversation with the client or prospective client, you discover that he needs a service that your company does not offer but that you have a friend who owns or knows someone in that service field, it costs you nothing but provides infinite perceived value and increased trust and confidence in you to the client. A simple connection and being assured that mentioning your name will make sure they are treated well, is incredibly useful to the person.
In the same sense if it's a personal friend, an acquaintance, or complete stranger who has a need that you know or have the quickest solution to, acting on that knowledge or service is truly being kind. This is showing love; being useful to others. Are you a little uncomfortable? That's ok, because once I discovered what being kind really meant I had to face the fact that I was not as kind as I thought I was. This has been one of the biggest discoveries of my lifetime for me personally. What you'll find is that once you start to show yourself useful to the person, people you love, and everyone else; once you choose to be known as a person full of love, you'll see how fast people start being more useful to you too.
Now here is another quick example that you can probably relate to no matter who you are. You have either a friend, or boyfriend or girlfriend, someone that you care about, this person is doing the right things to make their life better and be successful, this person could be going to school or developing themselves as an entrepreneur or otherwise working towards making their lives better. Now this person that you care about, that you Love has an important event that’s coming up for either school or work or whatever they're doing and the event costs some money, it happens that your friend had the money, but somewhere between leaving the house and going to pay for the event , she misplaced or lost the money.
So your friend tells you about this little dilemma and your friend doesn't ask you or even imply that she'd like you to let her borrow the money, but being a good friend and this person being someone you care about and Love, you tell her that you'll let her borrow the money. Now here's the thing, in her current situation she knows and you know that she will not be able to repay the loan, but that's ok because you decide to give it to her so she doesn't have to pay it back. If she is uncomfortable taking the money, you tell her that you’re investing in her future.
The point I want to make here is that you show someone you Love them by showing yourself useful, in this case your friend could use the money. There is a lot more in this example other than being useful so you'll see this example in a later chapter as well.
A Useful Business
I know that many of you reading this book may be in business or entrepreneurs. So let me share an example of this principle of being Kind. Before I do that though let me make something clear, I believe that Love will get you a whole lot further in life and business than self-centeredness. The reason I say that is because you might not understand the connection between Love and business.
So let me clarify that connection for those of you who aren't clear on it. Clients, customers and patients are all people and all people want the same basic things. Understand that a "business relationship" is a personal relationship that does business transactions. So the same principles that you use to show love to your parents, to your spouse or friends, children and loved ones are the same ones that apply to personal relationships with business transactions.
Business Relationship = Personal Relationship + Business Transactions
Let's say you are someone who is involved in the sales training arena and you have many relationships with some of the most influential people, household names, and you have a friend who is just getting into the sales industry, whether selling cars, furniture or anything else, and you know this person couldn't sell water to a fish or who just isn't the sharpest tool in the shed.
In a conversation with one of your friends in the sales training industry he mentions that he will be doing a $5,000 seminar in a city near your friend who is just getting into the sales field. There are two things you could do in this scenario, you can talk to your sales trainer friend and let him now about your friend who is a sales rookie and ask that he take him under his wing or at least a free coaching session; or you can actually purchase a ticket and give the ticket to your friend who is the sales amateur so he can develop his skills more. A third option would be talking to the sales trainer into letting the rookie into the seminar. Either way you've shown your friend or business acquaintance that you value them and the relationship and so you've shown them Love by being useful in their lives through that act.
Climax 2 Exercise
This is a simple exercise. First, start making a list of things about your loved one that you appreciate and like in them. Here are a few lines to start your list...
____________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Feel free to get some more paper if you need to make the list bigger.
The next exercise is to write down and start a list of things the person you love does for you. Again here is some space that you can start with...
____________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Finally, it's time for a self-evaluation. Make a list now of how you have shown yourself useful to the person you love. Here's the key though, do not make this list so that you can feel superior to them. In fact, your the only person who should see this list.
____________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Did you notice how there are more lines here than in the other two lists? That's what we call a clue.
Now this next chapter I'm going to bare it all with Climax Number 3...
Chapter 3
I Can't Bear It Anymore!
Get ready for climax number 3. I believe you'll find the following chapter to be a bit of a surprise. You see "Love Beareth All Things...", this is what Climax number 3 is all about, Love's capacity to bear the weightiness of life and struggles, good times and the hard. Before we go any farther, let's get clear on what that word Beareth or to bear means.
Mirriam-Webster dictionary says the definition of bear is: to move forward while holding up and supporting.
Let's break it down here so you can be clear on how to reach this Climax. As you can see the word bear means to hold up and support. So to show someone you love her and to get to experience and feel climatic love you have to hold up and support your spouse or girlfriend or your friend.
If you weren't sure, we're not talking about a physical holding up (although sometimes that might be part of it) and we're not talking financially supporting (again, although that may be part of it at sometime). I'm talking about on an emotional basis; I'm talking about being an encouragement to that person.
We're saying the person you love should look forward to seeing you and being with you because they know that no matter who beats them down (emotionally, physically or mentally) you'll be there to hold them up and bring them back to their feet. They know your always going to be there with an encouraging word. The person you love should be able to feel secure in your arms. They need to be able to know that they can let their guard down around you because when they are with you, you put a guard around them. The person you love should be able to be vulnerable with you.
"That all sounds nice and good Henry, but how does that happen?" Was that what your thinking? Perfect! I am going to share with you some ways that you can do this. A lot of what I am going to share with you may seem really basic and probably seem too simple or easy to have any affect. I am telling you now don't let the simplicity of these principles fool you into thinking they don't work. Let's begin then shall we.
Secrets to Unlocking The 3rd Climax
The first thing you can do is....drum roll please.....
STOP CRITICIZING!!!
I know, I know, it's not easy to stop criticizing and it's too much fun to make those little digs, comments and statements that inflict unknown amount of pain into someone, just to say that your joking or kidding. The fact of the matter is no one likes to be criticized and everyone loves to be a critique.
Well for the person that wants to achieve Climax 3, it's something that you are going to have to put under control. For those of you who are thick skinned and can take a little "comedic criticism" let me say the following, before you begin to criticize you have to know the person your loving, enough to know what they are sensitive about and what you can play around about.
Top 3 Climax 3 Killers
3) Being insensitive (criticism)
2) Lack of Encouragement
1) Unappreciation
Let's talk about the Top 3 Climax 3 Killers. We'll start with number 3 and work our way down to the number one killer. Criticism and being insensitive, as I just shared a moment ago, criticism is among the top reasons you are not experiencing Love the way you should.
At the beginning of this chapter you read about how your loved one is suppose to feel safe and secure around you. They should feel that when they are with you that you put up a security defense against any attackers. Whether they are verbal attacks, psychological or even physical.
She should feel completely safe. The reason it's so important for him/her to feel safe with you is because in order to reach Climax 3 she has to be able to be vulnerable with you. She has to be secure knowing that you are not going to judge her or make her feel bad or small because of something she feels or thinks or did.
Another reason this is so important is that this makes an environment that lets there be open communication, which is vital in a relationship. See, what isn't openly and clearly communicated, gets stored in a special part of the mind. It's called the "Hear me" file.
The "Hear Me" File
The "Hear Me" file is a very interesting place because it stores some of the most important information about the health status of your relationship and is what allows Climax number 3 to happen. The particular thing about this file is that is has a unique lock to it. Being that this information is so vital to your reaching Climatic Love and Climax 3, let me share some insight with you.
The "Hear Me" file has a very sophisticated lock that has 3 Chambers in it. The good news is that while the lock is sophisticated, unlocking it is simple, maybe not easy, but simple. Let's start with...
Lock Chamber 1
This part of the lock is something that is so simple and obvious that most people miss it (amazing how sometimes the key to the lock is right in front of us and we don't see it). To open this part of the lock all you'll need to do is....Listen.
That's right! The secret to unlocking the first chamber is to listen. I'm talking about full attention, active listening. Hearing what's being said, engaging in a conversation, taking pauses to think about what’s been said and asking for feedback to make sure you understood correctly.
Something very powerful happens when you listen. The person your listening to feels appreciated. As you can remember from a little earlier, Top Killer #2 is lack of appreciation, so this not only get's you past the first chamber, it also fights off Killer #2 but it also builds up the feelings of Love. Don't just listen to the surface of the words, but listen for any clues of something that might be a deeper issue or topic to discuss. It might be the person you love is checking her safety level around you by talking about one thing to see how you respond. Remember this is about her Level of Security and Safety.
Great! You've gotten passed the first chamber now...
Lock Chamber 2
This second chamber is another part that is simple but not easy for everyone. This part of the lock is opened by creating an environment of appreciation. Another way of saying this is not taking your loved one and all she does for you for granted. This is a major issue for a lot of people.
Often times we are so stuck on our lives and ourselves and doing what we think we have to in order to get by or to live our dreams that we take others for granted. I know that I myself am very guilty of this. If you are honest with yourself, you'll admit it too. But now is not the time to feel bad or down on yourself, it's the time to make a shift and start appreciating the people you love. Again you might be wondering how do I do that? What do I do to show my appreciation for the person I love and people I care about?
Well, I'd be cruel if I left you without knowing what steps to take to get past this chamber to the next. To begin, take a moment everyday, it doesn't matter when but I would recommend in the morning before your day begins or at night just before going to sleep, take a few minutes and make a short list of things your loved one has done for you. Make this list everyday and you'll begin to feel a genuine appreciation for that person. If you really want this to work even faster and to have a greater impact, take time to reflect and thank God for that person being in your life. The more you spend time seeing what she does for you, the more you'll appreciate her and in more than just words.
Now onto...
Lock Chamber 3
So here we are now at the final chamber in the "Hear Me" file that let's you reach Climax 3 in Making Love. As you can guess from previously in this chapter the 3rd chamber is unlocked by showing appreciation for the person you love. This is one of the bigger bridges for most people to cross because of it's focus.
Here is what I mean, if you are to show that person you care so much about loving them and expressing appreciation for them. What happens is that the focus has to change from being focused on oneself and shift to a focus on the other person.
This is not a natural tendency and our society is built to program us to be even more self-centered and self-indulgent. Which is one of the reasons why this is difficult, but there is hope so no worries. All it takes is a little bit of practice and dedication, and of course, a few action steps to make it work.
Here we go, the first thing that you can do to start to genuinely appreciating your loved one is...are you ready... SLOW DOWN!!! This is extremely important so let me emphasize it again...
SLOW DOWN!!!
We all know that we live in too fast a paced world so we have to make the decision to slow down and take time to talk with , listen to, spend time, etc; with the person you love. Begin doing this now and you will see immediate results, this counts for all of your relationships.
Again, this is the final key to releasing the 3rd chamber of the lock and will instantly begin to make a difference in the way the person you love feels and act's towards you. This is because spending that time with, listening to them, etc; are actions that create and encourage appreciation and triggers the release to achieve Climax 3.
Remember the reason you are doing this is because you want to unlock the chamber to reach and experience Climatic Love. Now here's the deal, you have to be prepared to continue moving forward with the person you love and encourage them as they share with you and you share with them.
Climax 3 Exercise
This exercise is a simple one but it's not exactly easy. You will think about something that maybe in the way of your relationship, something that might be causing you doubts about your relationship or maybe something from your past relationships or past in general, that might be causing some problems. Write how you are determined to not let that affect your love. Again, here is some space for you to write and reflect...
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
With this you'll be able to have love as experienced at the 3rd Climax.
Now get ready to experience Love like never before at the 4th Climax...Believe me...
Chapter 4
I Hope This Helps...
Ok, ready to experience Love's Climax number 4? I hope so because that is exactly what we're talking about in this chapter. Loving someone and how love is hopeful. Now let's take a closer look at what it means to be hopeful.
A lot of us today mistakenly think that hope and being hopeful is just wishful thinking. We make the mistake of saying "Yeah, I'm hoping for the best" and put a smile on our faces but we're thinking "This'll never work" or " That'll never happen". We say we have hope but our expectations are completely negative. This is huge because here is a principle of life, "You don't always get what you want, but you will get what you expect". The power of expectation is incredible and will have a great impact if you learn to use it correctly, which of course I'll be sharing with you shortly.
But first let's cover some more basics...
Hopeful Expectations...
Let's define real quick look at what this word in its context means.
What it means to be Hopeful is to have a positive expectation for the best. In other words you should absolutely, positively expect only the best from your partner.
Here is a real life scenario. You and your girlfriend/boyfriend are having an intimate and sincere talk, your both sharing about your past relationships and letting each other in on information about you that they didn't know before. So in the middle of the conversation you girlfriend/boyfriend says, "You know, one of the things that I regret about my past is having cheated on one of my boyfriends, but ....". And that's all you hear.
You focus on that the said she cheated on her boyfriend and say to yourself this familiar phrase..."Once a cheater always a cheater". Right? Or "Once a liar, always a liar". These are relationship killers and should be eliminated from your vocabulary. They are poison in the drink of love.
I'm not justifying her behavior and I'm not judging you for having those thoughts. I've had them, you've had them, I'm sure we have all had these thoughts at some time in our lives. What I am saying is you have to make the commitment to forget them.
Always expect the best from the person you Love, because everyone should be able to get a second chance. No one was made perfect and that’s the beauty in life that sometimes the imperfections in our partner is what makes her so different and that's why we fell in Love.
Now here's the other half of the cookie. Whether what she says after the "but ..." is just an excuse or a genuine reason for the affair. You are to expect not only that your Lover is going to be faithful but that by talking things out it will be a way of growing in the relationship and maturing as a couple.
The Hardest Thing To Hope, Past
The hardest thing for most people to get past is the person they love having a history, even if it's once, of having cheated, lied and so on. This is the hardest thing to look past because of what we're trained in society to believe like the two phrases stated above.
For most people, cheating on the person they love doesn't happen by chance. It's not that they saw someone they're attracted to and say "Ok, he looks good. I think I'll have an affair". In fact cheating is the result of something and not the cause in itself.
Here is what I mean. In the relationship, a women needs to feel appreciated, loved and safe. If these basic needs are not met, then she subconsciously starts looking for someone to fulfill those needs if she doesn't know how to communicate them to the person she loves. In a relationship, the man needs to feel like the protector, respected and has to feel like he still has to have some element of chase. These are very important factors for guys to be faithful. What I am saying with all of this is that an affair is the result of both people in the relationship. If you love each other and show it by using the above 3 principles for guys and women then you'll be good to go and not have to worry about an affair.
Now that you have some understanding, it will make it a little easier to expect the best from the person you love. This should make it easier because knowing this information places part of the responsibility on you to expect the best and also live in a way that the person you love can expect the best from you too.
Here is another example of how Love is Hopeful. Let's say that you and your boyfriend are getting ready to move. You have looked at different places and different cities and have narrowed it down to a couple places. You should be able to trust that the decision you both make together is going to be the best decision and that only good things will result from taking the step of faith. You should also expect that the decision will lead to a closer and more intimate bond between you and the person you Love. When you start to positively expect the best from each other you'll begin to see that the way you talk to each other and the way you treat each other starts to change. You'll notice that you begin to trust each other more and will begin to feel the connection in the relationship start getting even stronger.
Hope is a very powerful force. For a lot of people, it's just hope and hope alone that gets them through life. This same strength giving force called hope is the same force that will get you through your relationships high's and low's and will let you experience love at an entirely new level.
What I'm saying with this is that to be able to expect the best from the person you love you have to be the best you can for the person you love. This way your partner will learn to expect the best from you and so they will be the best that they can be, this way in the relationship you will only expect the best from the best
Don't let the past, both yours and the person you love's, get in the way of what can possibly be your best present and greatest future. Understand that as you continue to become a Climatic Lover, each level will take you higher and reveal more depth to each of the previous levels.
With that said I hope that you've gotten the point and understand the power of expectation and what it really means to be hopeful. I expect that your expectation will rise and that you will get to experience Love at Climax 4.
Climax 4 Exercise
This exercise is a little different because what you are going to do is actually go to your loved one and be honest with them. Frightening, I know. Your going to go to them and say...
"Listen, you know that I love you and want the best for both us in this relationship. I want you to be able to expect the best from me and I am making a commitment to expect only the best from you."
This might not seem like much and if the girl/guy is insecure or immature they may take it offensively, which gives you the opportunity to exercise the other climax points of Real Love, but believe me, if there is real love from both people, this will bring you closer.
Now onto Climax 5, believe me you don't want to miss this...
Chapter 5
Believe Me....I Love You
This is a sentence that we hear so commonly. When a person wants you to trust that what they are saying is true that emphatically say "Believe me". It's interesting that what’s actually being said is "Trust me". Which is where you'll find Climax 5.
Before we go on though let's get real specific about what it means to be believing in this context. To believe in someone and Love. Believing doesn't mean just trusting what they say, although that is part of it. It's not just expecting them to tell you the truth; it's much more than just that.
To reach Climax 5 and experience Believing in Love, you have to make a commitment to trust their word and a commitment to honesty yourself. That's right, it's not just believing or trusting in some of the things your loved one says. It's not just saying that you will trust them. It's you making a decision to really believe and trust in that person. Trust in what they say, trust in what they do, and trust who they are. To fully trust them regardless of their past and believe in them if they fall.
If you haven't noticed it yet, there is a common thread through each of these Climaxes. Can you guess it? Well, here it is...each climax has more to do with you than the person you love. Now, if you really want to reach levels of Love you've never even dreamed of share this book, with your loved one and both of you make a pact to really Love each other. You may even consider purchasing your Couples Coaching Starter Package from www.MrHenryVargas.com
Soon you'll see how much faster you reach Love experiences at levels you thought were only fantasy like in romance novels or fantasy dreams.
Let me be clear here for a moment. I am not talking about a mere physical love or experiencing sex like never before. That's just a bonus result of really loving someone because it’s all connected.
More intense and fulfilling acts of Love = Better Sex.
This is a proven fact. Now with that said let's continue. What you'll find when you make a commitment to trust is that depending on where your relationship is and how the communication is, it might be hard to make a commitment to believe everything your loved one says and does. This brings up another important key to Climaxing your Love. This was mentioned in Chapter 3. Go back and review the Climax 3 Top 3 Killers and internalize that section because it is very important. Here is a bonus Climax ...
Bonus Climax = Clear Communication is Critical
I could probably write another book entirely on clear communication and how to create the environment to let each of you feel at ease and be open in your conversation (check www.MrHenryVargas.com). However, there are plenty of books written on the subject already and I've gone over this briefly earlier in Chapter 3. Again, go back and read the Top 3 Climax 3 Killers and how to avoid them.
Now, continuing on Believing Love. As I was saying, to truly love someone you have to make a commitment to honesty yourself. You have to be willing to be honest no matter what the risk is. Here's the thing, if you are worried or scared of being completely honest that means that there is something you are unsure about.
Maybe you don't want to be entirely honest because of something you've done wrong in your relationship. It may be that you are fearful of something from your past resurfacing and causing conflict, or maybe you just don't believe that you have to be completely honest and truthful with the person you love.
This may be the result of something that happened to you before or it maybe the way you were brought up. "Never give a girl your complete heart" or "What he don't know won't hurt him". These are sayings that keep us from making the commitment to being honest and since we aren't fully honest, we don't expect our loved one to be either, which of course creates feelings of distrust, insecurity and disbelief. Those are relationship killers. They might not be quick but they are certain, and with time they will be in your mind constantly that it will begin to have a bad effect, making the relationship have a complete change.
So if there is something that you need to get over to be able to make that pledge to honesty, go ahead and get open and figure how to get over it. It might be as easy as talking to your partner about it.
Of course you'll want them to have read at least the chapter on Love is Bearing. That way you know they'll be able to handle it and continue with the relationship. Also let the person you love know that what you want to talk about is difficult but you want to do it for the betterment of the relationship because you value the them and their time.
Now that you clearly understand what it means by Love is Believing, take the actions to begin developing that trust. Make that commitment to be completely honest with your loved one, and make the decision to believe in your partner and back it up by trusting in their actions.
Climax 5 Exercise
Here we go. What you'll find below is an agreement in which you commit to truly believing in your loved ones words, actions and decisions.
I, ____________________, do hereby agree from this day ___________, _____ to fully commit to trusting every word my loved one speaks, every action my beloved takes and every decision the person I love makes. I agree to show Real Love to _________________ by taking this oath and also by committing to honesty myself. I will always be truthful and trustworthy so that my loved one can believe fully in me.
_________________________
Signature
_________________________
Signature of Loved one
_________________________
Date
Now that you've learned how to reach Climax 5 by Believing in the love you and your partner share, let's remain on course to reach Climax 6. You've almost reached the Ultimate climax, just persevere a little longer...
Chapter 6
Can You Endure My Love?
Finally, here we are, Climax 6. Love is Enduring. To truly love someone is to endure through hard times, difficulties, differences and shortcomings. Doesn't that sound wonderful! I'm sure this was on the top of your list of what it means to love someone.
I did a study on this word and discovered that the root word from where endure comes from has the following meaning to it.
It means to stay under or to stay behind, i.e. to remain; have fortitude; persevere.
Ok, so what does that mean, right? Well, let's take it by pieces. Let's start by defining fortitude a little more clearly. Fortitude is having mental and emotional strength, which is obviously something you'll need from what you've learned throughout this book.
The unique thing about this Climax is that it is the result of building up and reaching each of the other Climaxes. At the same time having the endurance, the mental and emotional strength needed to get through and reach the other climaxes. So you see it's a double climax.
Now, having the mental and emotional strength is important, but how do you develop it? Well you can be sure that some people are just naturally more enduring than others. The good news is that just like an athlete can develop their endurance for a race or a football game or a soccer game, you can develop this kind of endurance too.
Just like the athletes, your going to have to go through some training and each step and everyday of the relationship is a training session. The athletes and singers that you look up to and love have to go through some sort of training or exercise everyday. That's what let's them perform at their best and what allows them to succeed in what they do.
More specifically, how can you train? Well, think about your conversations, are you easily offended? Do you get irritated quickly? Have you and the person you love gone through a hard time? Your response to these questions should let you see how you can train.
I'm not saying start an argument on purpose or that you should go do something wrong just to have a hard time to go through. Believe me, as long as we have a relationship there will be challenges. The way you response to them when they come is the difference maker.
Another word for endure is perseverance. This word has the same implications that you are going to stick with something until you see it through to completion. You should have it set in your mind that there is nothing that will get between you and your loved one.
Nothing and nobody should be able to influence you enough to move you from continuing your relationship. Both you and the person you love should make an agreement or pact that you are going to work through whatever might happen or come up. This is very hard for most people because, as you already now, our society, schooling, music and entertainment all program and train us to think about us first. It takes a lot to make the shift from self-centeredness and I-this or Give-me-that to being someone who values others more than your own way.
Fortunately, you can make the shift. It takes work, dedication and commitment to make the change, but let me assure you that it is worth so much more than you can imagine. The impact and change you'll notice is indescribable. You'll notice how much happier you are when your not focused on just you. You'll see things in your loved one that you never noticed before but now have the chance to appreciate. This climax of enduring is really one that will allow the benefits to transfer more than just your relationship with your spouse. It will leave it's imprint on your entire life.
Endurance and perseverance are so rare these days that if we start to use them in our day-to-day relationships they will all improve in a meaningful way. You'll get noticed more at work, your friends will know you as a person of your word. You'll be treated with more respect and be able to have more influence on people you care about.
With that said, I hope you find it in you and hope you value the person you love enough to endure through the learning process as you each take the time to grow and really begin to Make Love.
Climax 6 Exercise
Well, there is no actual exercise here because if you've gone through each of the previous Climax exercises, then you have exercised your endurance. However don't be fooled into thinking you've completely arrived. Enduring is a lifelong development.
What's left? The conclusion of this book is going to bring it all together and really summarize what it means to Love Somebody.
Conclusion:
Love Never Fails...
Now I know what you might be thinking, "Love never fails, that's impossible!", I can understand why you might think that. Most likely, the reason you responded that way is because you, like most of us, misinterpret that statement. You might read it and think it says, "Love is being perfect". Well you can be sure that is not what it says. So the good news is that you don't have to be perfect in order to show someone you love him or her. Now that we've gotten that cleared let's look at what it really means in the context of love never failing.
If you do some research and find the original meaning of the word failing you'll quickly notice something about it. The original meaning is - to be driven off of one's course or direction. As you can see, it says nothing about being perfect. So go ahead and take that sigh of relief.
However, what it does talk about is being driven off your course. What course are we talking about? The journey you’re taking of loving the person you love, the path of showing and expressing how much you love that person every day. The course leading to ultimate companionship and a Real Love relationship and becoming a Complete Lover
This is the course that we are talking about. So let's talk about a few roadblocks and obstacles that could get in the way of your relationship and reaching the goal of Real Love and experiencing it at it's climax.
First let's talk about being driven off course. Here is an important note to make, being driven implies that something is constant, that it's repeated and continual. All meaning that it's not a one-time thing. The point I am making here is that the obstacles we'll be talking about are what can drive us off course, like a habit. Of course we know that you aren't developing these things as habits on purpose to sabotage your relationship but if we're not careful each of these little things can grow into habits that kill your relationship and suffocate your love.
One of the biggest obstacles you'll most likely face is the case of rumors, gossip and murmurings. We've all been a victim of rumors and gossip for sure and we have all been spreaders of gossip and rumors as well. So let's not point fingers and get angry with people because we've done the same things.
Now the thing about rumors and gossip is that while they are lies and false, each rumor tends to have a root of truth to it. It may be that the truth has been misunderstood and so the rumor has become a complete twisting of the truth, or maybe someone only had a piece of the entire story and as it's passed along each person adds their own spice to it.
Whatever the case maybe, the important thing is to find the truth that exists at the root of the rumor. This may be a painstaking task, but it's needed nonetheless. Rumors, as you can imagine, have some of the most damaging affects on relationships, but when you get to the core of the rumor it allows an intense growth of the relationship.
Here is a disclaimer. Some rumors and gossip are just that. Rumors and gossip intended to hurt if not break your relationship. These are rumors started by envious people or maybe by jealous people or people who are just flat out miserable and unhappy with their lives.
What to do if that's the case? Don't seek vengeance, instead use the same principles you've learned from this book and apply them to that person and "Love them". Of course not everyone is going to be receptive but the point is that they may just need someone to show them some love.
If you feel and understand that the gossip and rumors being spread are flat out lies then you should address them directly with the person you love. Do not take a judgmental or condemning tone but use a concerned tone and speech. Make sure that your loved one understands you want to clear it up for the good of the relationship.
This is very important because you want to make sure that you clear up anything that causes doubt, fear, worry, distrust and every other similar feeling, because these are the feelings that will cause your love to drop away and be driven off course.
Now let's look at the other side. Since love never fails, meaning it's not driven off course, then what can you do to drive on course and stay on course to reach the goal of Real Love and experiencing Love at it's climax and forming a foundation of love for the future? Well, really you already know the answer.
All those things that you know in your mind are right, all the things we've talked about in the previous chapters. Every time your heart or mind prompts you to say or do something to the person you love that is going to create the emotion of love to better and allow the relationship to grow, is a way of staying on course.
Don't leave anything in the way that could distract you from your loved one. Until you have gotten to a point where you have developed Real Love and are truly loving the person you care about, you have to be more cautions and careful of your relationships with people of the opposite sex. Being aware of your weaknesses and taking actions to be prepared and avoid them is one of the greatest things you can do to show the person you love how much they truly mean to you.
Here is the summary. Love remains calm in disagreements, love is useful, love is supporting, love expects the best, love is trusting and honest, love perseveres and always stays on course.
Download this book for your ebook reader.
(Pages 1-35 show above.)