Confessions of a Binge Eater:
How I Finally Lost Those Damn Twenty Pounds
By
Sunny Alexander
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Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 Sunny Alexander
Cover Design Copyright © 2011
Published on Smashwords
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This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or if it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
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Preface
Confessions of a Binge Eater is my personal journey with binge eating and weight loss and should not be considered to be medical advice. Before considering any change in your eating or exercise habits, always consult with your physician.
Who am I? Professionally, I am a psychotherapist and an author. As an individual, I’m probably someone like you, who has struggled to control her binge eating for most of her life and who simply wants to be healthier, and, by the way, wouldn’t it be nice to buy a new wardrobe?
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A New Beginning
I was determined to have a new beginning. I had been a binge eater and had been battling my weight since I was fifteen. Back then, I worked at a bakery after school—had this been a set up? I’m sure eating a dozen doughnuts on my way home didn’t help.
Out of control food binges were followed by days of near starvation. Sound familiar? I tried diet pills, diet clubs, and gyms, and I read all the magazine articles that had the “sure cure” diet of the month.
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Later in life, after a sixteen-year relationship had recently ended, I began to turn, once again, to my “drug” of choice—food. Not just any food would do. It had to be high calorie, sweet or salty, fat laden food. I was at the heaviest and lowest point of my life.
For the first time in many years, I was living alone. It occurred to me that I no longer had to be a sneak-eater. There was no one to hide from except myself. Hmm.
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Have you ever snuck out of the house to “get a quart of milk,” only to find yourself walk up and down the grocery aisles looking for your favorite binge food?
For many years, I used the excuse of going out to get something to read. I really hated having to spend money on a magazine I didn’t want, when my true interest was in candy bars or an ice cream or two. Why would I have wasted money on a magazine when I could have bought more goodies to hide around the house? I could never decide on which candy I wanted, so I would end up buying at least a dozen bars; some to munch as soon as I got in the car and some to hide throughout the house.
With trembling hands, I would sit in the car unwrapping candy bar after candy bar and eating them as quickly as I could. Ah, the sweet taste of chocolate and sugar would soon have me in a state of stupor. Sometimes, I would keep eating until I felt sick and then dream about the rest of the candy that was safely hidden around the house.
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Then it was time for my annual doctor’s visit. Whoops! I weighed in at one hundred forty-seven pounds. How did that happen? I had barely eaten a thing!
My doc checked my body mass index (BMI) and delivered a bit of information. At five feet tall, my body mass index was 28.8. Overweight is a BMI of 25.0-29.9. Obese is 30.0 or greater. I breathed a sigh of relief. At least I didn’t have to face that dreadful word, obese. There was a song in my heart and a lot of denial in my head. My doctor didn’t say a word, but I could tell what she was thinking.
The next day I got a phone call from my doctor with the results from my blood tests. When I was younger, the call might have been to say, “Congratulations, you’re pregnant!” This call, however, was, “I have some bad news. You’re diabetic.” I was instructed to purchase a glucose testing kit and to begin medication. Additionally, I received, at no extra charge, a brief, but to the point, lecture from my beloved doctor, “Lose weight.”
This was serious stuff for a real grownup to handle. Was I up to the task?
I guessed my favorite food fantasy wasn’t going to happen. That’s the one where I walk into the doctor’s office and she says, “You know, you’re a little on the thin side. Why don’t you have a chocolate shake?”
I went to the pharmacy and picked up my oral medication and test kit. Was this the way I wanted to live? I had a new feeling, fear.
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I once had an aunt who became blind from undetected and neglected diabetes. She had weighed over two hundred and sixty pounds and by the time her diabetes was diagnosed, it had done its damage. Ironically, once she lost one hundred and twenty-five pounds, her blood glucose readings returned to normal and she was never on medication. She lived into her mid-eighties—blind.
Fear can be a positive motivator or it can drive us to our drug of choice. In my case, I decided to use fear toward a positive goal.
I suddenly realized that perhaps living alone could have its benefits. I no longer had to shop for anyone else or to have the excuse that the ice cream and cookies were for the kids and the chips were for my spouse. My destiny would be in my hands. Well, sort of.
I have a belief that most overweight people probably know as much about diets and nutrition as professionals do, and sometimes more.
Remember when I told you about how I joined diet clubs and gyms and read all those weight loss articles in magazines? What about you?
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Food For Thought
1. Have you ever dieted?
2. Have you ever joined a weight loss club?
3. Have you ever read articles on weight loss (especially while waiting in line at the grocery store to check out, with the chips and cookies hidden safely underneath the produce)?
4. Have you ever joined a gym and received some kind of instruction on nutrition or exercise?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, than you probably have some knowledge about nutrition. If not, talk to your doctor, try an Internet search, or look for a book that covers basic nutrition. The information is out there (if you really want it).
Now, I had some decisions to make. It was all up to me. Is this what was called taking responsibility?
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Out Goes the Food: Eliminating Triggers
For those who are binge eaters, my guess is, if you could pick a different addiction, you would. If only you were an alcoholic you could abstain from alcohol, but if you are a food addict you can’t abstain from food.
Right? Well, Sort Of...
This is the backbone of how I lost those damn twenty pounds and found a way to control my food addiction: I found that I could abstain from certain foods—foods that I thought of as triggers to a binge.
There are different trigger foods for different people, but I suspect some are more common than others. I discovered that sugar was one of the primary trigger foods for me and prompted my bingeing. I learned that sugar comes in many different forms, oftentimes disguised in words that are hard to pronounce and even harder to understand. Here are a few: corn syrup, barley malt, dextrose, fruit juice concentrate, raw sugar, glucose, maltodextrin, maltose, and molasses. The list goes on and on. One website that lists the different forms of sugar is commonhealth.com (a list of my little helper links are provided at the end of this e-book).
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I started my lifestyle change by going through my kitchen cupboards, refrigerator, and freezer. Any opened container that listed sugar as one of the first four ingredients was tossed. That’s right—tossed into the trash bin. Do you know how hard it is for a food addict to throw food away? Isn’t it better to eat the food so it isn’t wasted? Or is that “waisted”?
I also gave up sugar substitutes. My experience had been that, when I used sugar substitutes, my cravings got triggered. Now my imagination was triggered. Gee, what about drinking water with a squirt of lemon or lime? What a novel concept.
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This is what I learned after I gave up sugar. Within thirty days, my cravings were either gone or greatly reduced. Hmm, perhaps that’s why so many residential addiction programs last thirty days. The next thing I noticed was how very sweet fresh fruit tasted. Had they sugared the apples? Or maybe my taste buds were returning to normal.
I also eliminated refined flour. That meant most breads, bagels, and crackers. What was I left with? Not much of the old food; however, I was discovering new foods every day and actually losing weight and feeling healthier.
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When I enter the grocery store, I shop the outside aisles for fruits, vegetables, salmon, and boneless, skinless chicken breasts. While shopping this way, I came across a whole grain delight, called Ezekiel bread, and now keep one loaf in the fridge and another one in the freezer.
I think you’re getting the idea. As I continue on my journey, I uncover more trigger foods, foods I don’t want to eliminate but have difficulty controlling. Bananas are a trigger food for me. I can’t stop at one. When I go to the market, I buy two bananas at a time and I look for the smaller ones. Nothing comes into my house that is not safe for me to eat.
Now my cupboards are fairly bare and I am experiencing a new feeling, hope.
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From Empty to Full
Do you know a “normal” eater? I have observed several of my relatives and friends who seem to eat “a lot” but who don’t put on weight. Shall we blame it on metabolism? Go right ahead; I think we call that denial.
Most normal eaters get a signal that lets them know they are full. I wouldn’t receive a signal until I was feeling sick and even then, I might have ignored it.
Most normal eaters may overeat on occasion. For example, they might eat more than usual at a dinner party or a wedding. When they wake up the next morning, they are not drawn toward food. They may have some orange juice or a slice of toast, but their body is self-adjusting for the excessive meal from the night before.
I think we are, with perhaps a few exceptions, born with the, “I’m full,” signal. My belief is that overweight folks, like me, lost that signal a long time ago.
One particular time, I remember watching my cousin being fed. He was about one year old and I was about five. He was sitting in his high chair and turned his face away, signaling he was done. What! How could he possibly have known better than his mother? A light tap, tap, tap on his cheek made him open his mouth just a little bit and another spoonful of food was slipped in. My aunt smiled. She was being a good mother, over-feeding her child.
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Food For Thought
1. Can you be trusted to remember what you ate?
2. Are you aware of a signal that tells you you’re getting full (not stuffed)?
3. Do you stop eating when you get that signal?
If you answered yes to these questions and are still overweight, without a known physical condition, then I have one more question for you. “Really?”
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Keeping a Record
I began to use a computer program and input everything that I ate or drank. What a shock! Something had to be wrong with the program. It couldn’t be me. For the first week or so, I had probably eaten my daily quota by noon. I had to consider this a learning experience and evoke my new motto: Suspend Self-Judgment.
I started to find nutritious, low calorie foods that I enjoyed. I gradually eliminated foods that I had difficulty in controlling. The computer program helped me to keep things in balance. A real boon in using a nutrition computer program is that you can pick and choose foods that work for you. Everyone is different.
I used a program called Diet Power, but had to switch when I changed from a PC to a Mac. I tried several different programs and finally settled on Calorie King Nutrition and Exercise Manager. Both Diet Power and Calorie King were excellent and gave me the results and information I needed.
If you don’t have a computer, purchase a calorie counter/nutrition book and revert back to pen and paper. The issue is not about computers. It’s about being conscious of what’s slipping through those pearly whites.
How many calories a day? This is something to ask your doctor. I am not offering a diet program. This is about overcoming a life-long habit, taking responsibility, and changing your life-style.
My weight loss was very slow, but so what? I wasn’t looking for the silver bullet, and anyway, that only works with werewolves. I was in this for the long haul. I have to say, after the first thirty days, it became less and less difficult. I learned to eat a lot of low calorie, high nutrient foods.
I gave up white potatoes and changed to brown rice and yams. Whoops, no butter in the yams. I wrapped them in foil and then slow baked them until the juices ran. Then I mashed them and added orange juice for extra flavor. Small plastic containers became a good friend—just the right size to hold one serving, and they stack easily in the freezer.
I found a delightful lunch at Trader Joe’s: Black Bean & Corn Enchiladas. At two hundred sixty calories and vegetarian, it is a bargain. When I shop, I buy seven of these at a time; I have one for lunch almost every day. I enjoy it, and all I have to do is pop it in the microwave. I top it with a little Fage zero percent fat yogurt (not sweetened), which tastes like sour cream and is a good supply of calcium.
If you shop at Trader Joe’s, please remember to leave some enchiladas for me.
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Slow Down, the Food’s Not Running Off the Plate!
Now, I begin to eat s.l.o.w.l.y. I can’t believe the change. For the first time, I actually taste my food. Now, a meal that might have lasted five minutes lasts twenty, and I am beginning to experience something new, a sense of fullness.
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I Am Eating Lots of Smaller Meals
I eat about every two hours. I’m not sure I would call them all meals, because sometimes it is a piece of fruit or raw carrots and celery. I find I need to eat often, but what I don’t have to do is eat large quantities.
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After My Goal Is Reached, Then What?
I stopped inputting my food after I reached my goal. It took about one year to lose twenty pounds, but so what? It’s gone and I’ve gone from a size fourteen to a size eight.
I allow a two-pound leeway. If I gain two pounds over my goal weight, I begin to input my food into my computer program. It usually only takes a day or two to get back on track, but I know that I may always need something outside of myself to bring me back to food reality.
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Look at Me: I’m Walking!
Okay, I have to confess, ten years ago, or so, I walked the Avon Three-Day Walk for Breast Cancer. Twenty miles a day for three days, one year of training, and I didn’t lose one pound. Could it be that I was carrying enough emergency food for a family of four, just in case I felt faint from starvation?
I discovered a surprise in the diet computer programs. I could add exercise and gain bonus calorie points. Well, that’s very tempting for an overeater, but my real motivator, in adding different forms of exercise, was in hoping to keep my muscles and bones strong as I age. I think I’ve turned a corner; now, I’m thinking about my whole body and not just the diabetes or the clothes in my closet.
One loop around my block is about one mile. When I first started, I huffed and I puffed and there was no house to blow down; I was completely out of shape. I did not criticize myself, though. If walking a mile took one half hour, so what? What else would I be doing in that half hour? Sitting in front of the television watching food commercials?
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Food For Thought
Do you park as close as you can to the grocery store?
Is the heaviest weight you are lifting the half-gallon of ice cream sitting in your freezer?
Are you noticing that everything you pick up feels heavier than it did six months ago?
I found a DVD that I really enjoyed called Yoga for the Young at Heart. It’s a gentle form of yoga exercise, by Susan Winter Ward. I use it a couple of times a week.
I bought a light set of weights that came with an instruction chart. Now, when I watch TV, I lift weights and even do some sit-ups.
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Two Things to Remember
Always check with your doc before starting any exercise program.
The Longest Journey Begins with One Step.
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Weighing In and Weighing Out
How many times a day do you get weighed?
Do you weigh and measure your food?
I can remember a time when I would get weighed several times a day, usually within a few minutes of each weigh-in. I knew there had to be something wrong with the scale. I’d adjust the levels; tap it with my foot; balance carefully before standing on it and hold my breath. I was sure breathing added several ounces.
Now I have to add a scale addiction to my list. This was a hard one for me to give up, harder than giving up sugar. I suffered from scale withdrawal. Is there a Scales Anonymous program? I guessed I’d just have to go through withdrawal. I hid my scale from myself. Out of sight and, at last, out of mind. Once a week, I’d search for the scale and get weighed. I was relying on my computer program and the ounces were disappearing.
I made a new best friend—a food scale and measuring cups and spoons. I guess that’s several new best friends. I bought organic boneless chicken breasts and frozen salmon in individual packages. They became my mainstay, along with tons of vegetables and fresh fruits.
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Have I Eaten Any Sweets, At All?
I have eaten sweets, but, rarely. Twice, I think, in two years. One was a single-scoop ice cream cone. I ate it in the ice cream parlor in front of the world, not in my car and not hiding it under my shirt (a little sticky, don’t you think? But, we do have our ways). The other was a piece of wedding cake at a very special wedding. It seemed I’d lost the impulse to stop at the store and buy a bag or four of candy.
I am not saying that I’m cured. I don’t think that’s a possibility. I think what happened in both of those cases was that I planned ahead; it was not a compulsive action. Remember, we are always a slip away from a major binge, which brings me to my next topic.
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My Near Slip
I did have a very near slip, a close binge, about a year ago.
I can’t recall what triggered the old binge feeling. Of course, that’s one of the problems with binge eaters; we aren’t always in touch with what we are feeling at any particular moment. I believe that, as with any addiction, this issue will always be there, just a slip away.
I was coming home after seeing a movie with a friend. I started to get that familiar feeling. Should I; should I not? I stopped at the gas station about one block from the fast food restaurant. I could feel it coming on. My self-control had escaped and my cravings had taken over.
I thought, “Oh, what the hell, it’s only once. It’s been a year. Perhaps I need a reward.” I swung into the drive-thru lane and now I was stuck; there was no way to back my car out.
“Can I take your order?”
“Yes, I’ll have a number six. Oh, make that with a chocolate shake and super-size everything. No salt on the fries.” No salt on the fries should have counted for something, shouldn’t it have?
“That will be seven dollars and fifty-three cents. And you’ll have to wait for the fries. We’ll bring your order to you.”
Oh, oh, a delay and now my, “Do you really want to do this?” was kicking in. I pulled into the waiting area designated for special orders. I began to have an internal battle. I could smell the food; it wafted across the parking lot. I floated between desire and nausea. I began to think about how sick I would feel and yet I was craving this binge. And, it was taking forever for my order to arrive.
I saw someone in a fast-food uniform walking toward my car, carrying a large bag. They were walking across the parking lot in slow motion. Like a bank robber escaping the police, I quickly started my car and left.
That was a close call, but it taught me a lesson. I would always have to face the fact that I am a binge eater. Just like any addict, I would be a slip away. I would have to approach each new day with hope and, for that day, suspend self-judgment.
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Suspending Self-Judgment
Every overweight person has felt judged. Sometimes it’s by others giving us that certain look that says, “Why doesn’t he or she do something about THAT?” Sometimes we judge ourselves—harshly. Feeling judged does not lend itself to changing your life. It makes you feel worse, and what happens when you feel bad? Three guesses. You’re right on the first one: you eat.
I turned to writing. When I felt bored, or began to think too much about food, I wrote. Sometimes, I wrote the night away. It was better than eating and I ended up writing a novel.
It has been two years, and I have not gained any weight back. I got a call from my doc, after year one, “Your glucose readings and A1C tests are both normal. You can stop your medication, and you don’t have to lose anymore weight.” Well, she didn’t suggest a chocolate shake, but I think this was as close as I would ever get to my food fantasy.
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My Helpers
I have no affiliation with “my helpers.” I found this information and these products to be useful tools on my personal journey. Perhaps they will be of value to you.
http://www.commonsensehealth.com
http://www.yogafortheyoungatheart.com
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My Basic Shopping List
Almonds
Beans
Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast
Ezekiel Bread
Fage 0% Fat Yogurt (not sweetened)
Fruits
Olive Oil
Salad Vegetables
Salmon
Steel Cut Oats
Trader Joe’s Black Bean & Corn Enchilada
Trader Joe’s Frozen Brown Rice
Vegetables
Red Wine Vinegar
Walnuts
Yams or Sweet Potatoes
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Sunny Alexander, Ph.D. is a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT 24218) with a doctorate degree in Psychoanalysis. She has a private practice in Oak Park, California and offers telephone counseling for residents in California.
Her novel, The Storyteller And The Healer: Flowers From Iraq, is due to be published in 2012.
Dr. Sunny invites you to explore her website at: http://www.sunnyalexander.com