ELEANOR ROOSEVELT’S LIFE OF SOUL SEARCHING AND SELF
DISCOVERY
From Depression and
Betrayal to First Lady of the World
by
Ann Atkins
Smashwords Edition
* * * * *
Published on Smashwords by:
Flash History Press, LLC
P.O. Box
184
Paoli, PA 19301
Eleanor Roosevelt’s Life of Soul Searching and Self
Discovery
Copyright 2011 by Ann Atkins
Photos from Franklin D. Roosevelt, Presidential Library and Museum
Cover Design by Lindsey Mottola with Argus Printing and Invitation Studio, Wayne, Pennsylvania
Technical support by Amy Kate Amer
Author Photo by Dave Campli – Campli Photography, Malvern, Pennsylvania
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
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* * * * *
DEDICATION
to
Edward J. Atkins, Colonel, USAF (retired)
My husband, my
friend—thank you
for your gift of love,
endless support
and
the thesaurus.
Your dedication to excellence is my
standard.
* * * * *
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The art of writing expands past the singular experience at the keyboard. Keeping a vibrant flow of creativity is possible because of the rejuvenating love from those around me.
Cory,
Blaine,
Amanda,
the beauty of your lives, your brave
and bold spirits—
it is my honor to be your mother
Thank you—Aunt Birdie, who for all my life has been
“The
Listener”
Thank you—Colleen for giving me the book,
Women Who Run With
the Wolves
Thank you—Amy Kate—your creative ideas and
technical
support—priceless
Victoria, Josee, Riley, Dawn, Asi and Lynn—my pack
of fierce
women who will not let me settle for less
Thank you—to those who took the time to read
and critique the
evolving manuscript:
Pat, Ed, Birdie, Nick, Mom, Colleen,
Vicki,
Riley and Emily
* * * * *
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PART
THREE
POLITICAL, PUBLIC & PERSONAL STORMS
Chapter 11 Blindsided By Family
Chapter 12 Pragmatic Plans For Peace
Chapter 13 United Nations—An Oxymoron
* * * * *
PART ONE
A BITTER
BEGINNING
Flash
Context and Comments
Knowing the context of Eleanor’s era deepens the value of her accomplishments.
Through the span of Eleanor’s life, from 1884 - 1962, the laws of science make quantum leaps forward. She will read newspaper headlines of an aircraft flying a few hundred feet, to jets breaking the sound barrier and man going to outer space. It’s the end of boiling water on a wood stove and the beginning of popcorn in the microwave. And the science of war excels as the details of strapping a gas mask on a war horse is exchanged for a diagram of strapping an atomic bomb on an airplane.
“Liberty and justice for all,” is far from being realized.
The veterans of the North and South gather at Gettysburg for the 50 Year Reunion of the Civil War. At this time it is much easier to plan if the ‘Negroes’ are not invited.
Women won’t be given the right to vote until 1920, which is a glaring irony considering Queen Victoria has been capable of ruling the whole British Empire from 1837-1901—64 years.
For the young, their lives read like gruesome chapters in a Charles Dickens novel. Two million children provide cheap labor in coal mines, canneries and steel mills. There are no laws protecting children, but there are laws to protect animals.1 In the late 1800s the first recorded successful case to protect an abused child is won by declaring the child as part of the animal kingdom. It will not be until 1938 when a minimum age and work hours are federally regulated.
Are these the “the good old days” if life expectancy is a brief forty-five years? Millions die each year of infectious diseases and thirty-five thousand die every year in industrial accidents. There is no workers’ compensation, no unemployment pay and no insurance. Severance pay is given because something at work got severed—a hand or a foot.
In any arena Eleanor fights injustice and perseveres against overwhelming odds and chilling cruelties. Like Wonder Woman in support hose, she will win battles on the local, the national and the global scale. Her life is an example of moral courage and she becomes internationally known as “First Lady of the World.”
First, she must survive her childhood.
* * * * *
1
CHILDHOOD
Baby Eleanor is born into the ostentatious display of upper class opulence known as the “Gilded Age.”
Eleanor’s mother, Anna Livingston Ludlow Hall, is the belle of the ball for New York City. Basking in self-assurance, she can thumb her nose at guest lists that include the Vanderbilts and Astors. Anna also knows that within her lineage is a signer of the Declaration of Independence. This gives her self-esteem a dash of superiority. Now she just needs a husband.
Eleanor’s future father, Elliott Roosevelt, has a checkered past that would land anyone else in a jail cell, rehab or the morgue. Elliott’s excuses include sibling rivalry with his overachieving brother, the future President Theodore Roosevelt. Avoiding his brother’s shadow, Elliott enjoys adventurous hunting trips in India, China and Ceylon. Health problems are exacerbated in a struggle with sexual identity, alcohol and shame. His misery is exposed in his letters to home.2
In 1881, Elliott returns from his latest trip. He is in New York City and meets Anna. Having these two characters in place, the stage is set for a tragic play of which Shakespeare would be proud.
With all the passion and commitment of a charming alcoholic, Elliott writes about Anna, “a Sweet Hearted, a true, loving Earnest Woman....Womanly in all purity, holiness and beauty, an angel in tolerance, in forgiveness and in faith…” [sic]3 This list reflects Elliott’s romantic ideals, not Anna’s character. Anna, equally unrealistic, is flattered with the attention of the most eligible bachelor in New York City.
Like media coverage of movie stars, Anna and Elliott’s daily affairs are frequently featured in the newspapers. Anna marries Elliott and this couple has the smug security of knowing they ‘belong.’
Eleanor is born, and Anna is disappointed that her first born child is not a boy. Adding to this frustration, Anna describes her daughter as, “a more wrinkled and less attractive baby than the average.”4 As Eleanor grows, it is obvious that her character is as somber as her physical appearance is plain.
Eleanor,
Long Island, New York, 1887
Eleanor’s habit of waiting quietly in the doorway, waiting and wanting to be acknowledged, and waiting to be asked in have been deemed ‘shy.’ Anna intensifies Eleanor’s insecurities by belittling her. Eleanor remembers her mother saying to any company in the room, “She’s such a funny child, so old-fashioned, that we always call her ‘Granny.’” Eleanor says of those times, “I wanted to sink through the floor in shame...”5
“I would sit at the head of her bed and stroke her head. The
feeling that I was useful was perhaps the greatest joy I had
experienced.”
—Eleanor’s childhood memory of being with her
mother6
It will be at least twenty-five years until Eleanor learns to boldly walk in or walk out of any door she wants. But now a child, she is starving for attention and acceptance. One light in her life is her father. Here she is needed.
Elliott has not been successful in any of the lucrative jobs that are put in place for him. His life is a constant cycle of mishaps from foolish accidents, drugs, drinking, hostile episodes at home, and then, absence away from the family. When Elliott returns, he can withstand Anna’s harsh rebukes only by going to Eleanor for unquestioning acceptance. In exchange for this adulation, Elliott dotes on his ‘dear little Nell.’ Eleanor glories in the attention and it gives her some feeling of worth.
Eleanor
Roosevelt and her father Elliott in New York City
Anna has a second child and is pleased to have produced a son, but the good news doesn’t halt the gradual disintegration between her and Elliott. In an effort to stop the downward spiral, Anna decides to pack up the family and tour Europe. Any happy moments are distorted with the dread that Elliott will start drinking or is already drunk.
The visit to Paris coincides with Anna’s due date for a third child. Eleanor is shunted off to a convent to live until after the baby is born. Eleanor is not even six.
Alone in a foreign country, Eleanor feels cast aside by her family and could use some reassurance from the nuns. Seeing another little girl comforted because she swallowed a coin, Eleanor tells the nuns she too has swallowed a coin. The nuns are suspicious and discover Eleanor has lied.
Anna, disgraced by Eleanor’s actions, comes to retrieve her daughter. Eleanor recalls, “I remember the drive home as one of utter misery, for I could bear swift punishment far better than long scoldings.”7
The strain of keeping the family intact is taking a toll on Anna. Elliott threatens suicide and is now living with a mistress in Paris. When his estate is signed over to Anna, he promises to get better. Not convinced, Anna packs up the children and heads back to New York. The worst of it, what is most unforgivable, is the family shame is made public. The headlines in the New York Herald declare:
ELLIOTT ROOSEVELT DEMENTED BY EXCESSES.
WRECKED BY LIQUOR AND FOLLY, HE IS NOW CONFINED IN AN ASYLUM FOR THE INSANE NEAR PARIS PROCEEDINGS TO SAVE THE ESTATE
COMMISSIONERS IN LUNACY APPOINTED ON PETITION OF HIS BROTHER THEODORE AND HIS SISTER ANNA WITH HIS WIFE’S APPROVAL8
When Elliott finally returns to New York City he plays for Eleanor’s sympathy. When Anna learns that Elliott has an illegitimate child and that the mother is making a ploy to go public, she limits the contact he has with his children.
Eleanor and her father keep in touch by writing. During her growing years of seven to nine, Eleanor spends her days waiting for another letter. The arrivals are sporadic, but the empty promises that unfold from each envelop are constant. Elliott stokes the delusion that some day he will return, and they will live happily together.
Anna, as the sole guardian for the children, is busy ensuring their future. In the event anything should happen to her, Grandmother Hall, Anna’s mother, will have custody of Eleanor and her two brothers. In fact, Anna and the children move back to live with Anna’s mother. Extra bedrooms are not the problem, since Grandmother has two mansions, one on the Hudson River for the summer and one in New York City for the winter.
Tragic stories of Anna and Elliott continue. The family has so deteriorated that when Anna is dying of diphtheria, she refuses to let Elliott come to see her. Within months of this loss, Eleanor’s brother Ellie dies of scarlet fever. Eleanor remembers, “Death meant nothing to me, and one fact wiped out everything else—my father was back and I would see him very soon.”9
•
Elliott’s brief visits to Eleanor and her brother Hall show that the ravages of this man’s self-absorption have warped any vestiges of kindness and doting. Elliott’s need to still appear cavalier is indulged when taking Eleanor on reckless horse cart rides. During these brash jaunts, Eleanor tries desperately to win his approval and not show her fear.10 When he comes by to take her for a walk with the dogs, Eleanor swallows any anger and disappointment as Elliott uses this opportunity to stop by his club and have a drink. Eleanor is left waiting. On one occasion she stands for six hours while holding the dogs. She sees her father carried out and it’s the doorman who takes Eleanor back to Grandmother Hall’s house.
Clinging to dreams of a home with her father, Eleanor is in denial of these disappointing episodes. Her indomitable spirit will someday win accolades from around the world, but right now it is pitifully misdirected.
Elliott continues to send endearing letters to Eleanor, but there won’t be many more. His brother Teddy writes, “Elliott is up and about again: and I hear is drinking heavily; if so he must break down soon.”11 Two days after Teddy’s declaration, this prediction will come true.
Elliott has been using ‘stimulants’ again, suffering from delusions, and at some point, jumps out a parlor window. He is knocked unconscious and dies. A newspaper article covering the story politely recalls the past. “There was a time when there were not many more popular young persons in society than Mr. and Mrs. Elliott Roosevelt.”12
Members from Elliott’s side of the family want Eleanor to be sent to Allenswood, an all-girl school in England. Family aunts had attended this school and Eleanor’s parents had previously met and been impressed with the head teacher. The idea is rejected by Grandmother Hall who claims she wants the grandchildren home to keep a close eye on them.
Grandmother Hall, a prior debutante herself, is only fifty-one and has her own problems. The trouble started when her husband passed away several years ago. Mr. Hall had always controlled the money and the children. While lavish parties and Parisian clothes for his family kept up public appearances, the private reality was a strict code of conduct for exuberant children.
When he dies, the monastic ambiance goes with him. Mrs. Hall, treated as a child herself, is ill-equipped to run the house full of their children. At the time of Eleanor’s stay their ages range from 16-25. With behaviors reflecting varying levels of self-indulgence, romantic flings and drinking, the mood of the mansion has ramped up to the raucous level of a frat house. To support these excesses, Mrs. Hall is using the trust funds of her grandchildren.
Eleanor and her younger brother Hall have a yearly income of $7,50013 which equates to approximately $180,000 per year in today’s money. This wealth is not reflected in Eleanor’s wardrobe. She has two dresses. If one gets dirty in play, and the other hasn’t been washed yet, she must wear a dirty dress. Adding to this misfit appearance is her height. For years her dresses are short, shapeless and outdated because they are remade hand-me-downs from the aunts.
This goes from bad to worse.
“Playing with children was difficult for me because play had not
been an important part of my own childhood.”
—Eleanor
reflecting back on her childhood14
Friends for Eleanor are few and far between. They are afraid to come and visit. The uncles, too often intoxicated, have been known to start shooting a gun out of the second story window over the heads of approaching guests.
On top of that, there is Madeleine. She’s the governess who could easily be mistaken as Cinderella’s stepmother. How cruel is it when someone who has been pulling your hair now cuts holes in the socks that you just darned? Madeleine compounds the torment by bestowing kindness to Eleanor’s brother Hall. Eleanor’s cousin recalls, “I remember Madeleine. She was a terrifying character. It was the grimmest childhood I have ever known. Who did she (Eleanor) have? Nobody.”15
Grandmother does provide more structure to her granddaughter’s daily life. On occasion, Eleanor’s uncles teach her how to play tennis, ride a bike and jump with her pony. With her aunts, Eleanor recites poetry, enjoys music and goes rowing on the Hudson River. Eleanor’s education, which prior to this has been sketchy, is now filled in with literature, French, German and piano lessons.
These could be degrees of improvements for Eleanor’s life, but if sporadic afternoons of attention are compensation for outbursts from drunk uncles and drama queen aunts then the balance toward a healthy environment is in the red.
Often alone, Eleanor spends time escaping to a dream world in her books and grows even more remote. Eleanor’s cousin remembers the house, “I never wanted to go. The grim atmosphere of that house. There was no place to play games, unbroken gloom everywhere. We ate our suppers in silence. The general attitude was, ‘don’t do this.’”16
* * * * *
2
ADOLESCENCE
As the aunts become young women, they have commandeered the library to smoke cigarettes and carouse with their male visitors. The uncles escalate their escapades to such an extent that Grandma is now worried about Eleanor’s safety. A friend of Eleanor’s asked why there are three locks on the inside of her bedroom door. Eleanor answers, “To keep my uncles out.”1
Grandmother Hall decides it is time to send Eleanor away to school.
The year is 1899. The emphasis of education for women is preparation for future dinner parties not politics or public policy. Luckily, the teachings at Allenswood contradict these conventions. The students, all female, are expected to expand their mental horizons, and become independent thinkers with their own commitment to personal and social responsibility. It is perfect for Eleanor.
Within the first year, Eleanor earns respect and regard as one of the girls’ primary ‘go to’ resources. Fellow students needing advice, a compassionate shoulder to lean on or help with their studies, recognize Eleanor’s kindness and willingness to assist. Eleanor’s heart of compassion is acknowledged. No one calls her ‘Granny.’
Eleanor is becoming confident and her personality is flourishing. She is picked for the field hockey team and she remembers back to that day as “One of the proudest moments of my life.”2
In classes and discussions, Eleanor is expected to give thoughtful commentary not a parroted ‘politically correct’ response. She is encouraged to hammer out her own logic and assert her own opinions. Eleanor’s intense and serious perspective is appreciated by Mlle. Souvestre, the head teacher.
“It was once said that men did not marry women who showed too much intelligence. In my youth, I knew women who hid their college degrees as if they were one of the seven deadly sins. But all that is passing and so will pass many other prejudices that have their origin in the ancient tradition that women are a by-product of creation.”3
Taking a personal interest in Eleanor, Mlle. Souvestre gives her motherly attention in grooming and health. Encouraged to shop for her self, Eleanor enjoys clothes that are up to date and appropriately fit her elegant six-foot figure. Future critics who decry her as a drudge should be reminded that one of her first choices for a new dress is a glamorous deep red fabric—hardly the color for a stick-in-the-mud.
Mlle. Souvestre keeps Grandmother Hall informed about Eleanor. Mlle. Souvestre writes, “All that you said when she came here of the purity of her heart, the nobleness of her thought has been verified by her conduct among people who were at first perfect strangers to her...I often found that she influenced others in the right direction. She is full of sympathy for all those who live with her and shows an intelligent interest in everything she comes in contact with. As a pupil she is very satisfactory, but even that is of small account when you compare it with the perfect quality of her soul.”4
Eleanor
Roosevelt, school portrait, 1898
Holidays are spent going to London theater and visits to Paris. Mlle. Souvestre requests Eleanor accompany her on a summer trip to Italy. Eleanor, now sixteen, is thrilled with the opportunity to be in charge of tickets, train schedules, and packing the trunks. She experiences local foods, wines and traipsing around Florence by herself. It’s a far cry from the lonely child shutting herself away in her bedroom to read books.
Eleanor has to go home for the following summer, and her Aunt Pussie arrives in London to escort her back to New York. Pussie, one of Grandmother Hall’s daughters, is accustomed to Eleanor being a sympathetic listener to the details of her latest romantic crisis. Now Pussie finds that Eleanor has become accustomed to responding with her own opinion and having that opinion valued. This is not what Aunt Pussie wants.
Pussie’s revenge is telling Eleanor that because of her looks, she will never find a man to be interested in her. Pussie then unleashes the ultimate ammunition: all the scandalous stories about Elliott. Eleanor is crushed.
Eleanor goes to her grandmother to have this information disputed. Instead, Grandmother confirms the stories and increases the anguish by telling Eleanor there is no one to escort her back to England at the end of the summer. Since social customs dictate that young ladies outside their homes must always be accompanied, Eleanor cannot go back to Allenswood.
•
Is Eleanor still the little girl that stands meekly in a doorway waiting for someone to tell her what to do? Will she fall into the rut of the rich and accept her shallow lot in life? If so, Eleanor will be nothing more than an obscure name on a branch of the Roosevelt family tree.
This may be Eleanor’s first act of defiance. Eleanor finds a temporary nanny to escort her across the Atlantic, back to Allenswood.
•
At the end of the following school year, Grandmother insists it is time to come back to New York City for the start of the fall social season. Eleanor will be turning eighteen. It is time to find a husband.
Mlle. Souvestre sends Eleanor off with this letter, “From this very minute, when I am writing to you, life, your life, which is entirely new and entirely different, and in several respects entirely contradictory, is going to take you and drag you into its turmoil. Protect yourself to some extents against it, my dear child, protect yourself above all from the stand point of your health...Give some of your energy, but not all, to worldly pleasures which are going to beckon you. And even when success comes, as I am sure it will, bear in mind that there are more quiet and enviable joys than to be among the most sought after women at a ball...A thousand and a thousand tendernesses to my Totty (Eleanor) whom I shall always love.”5
It is the last time Eleanor will see her beloved teacher. They will correspond for the next few years and Eleanor will always have her photo nearby, but Mlle. Souvestre will die before Eleanor is able to visit England again.
•
Eleanor now resides at Grandmother Hall’s New York City mansion. This might sound grand until you factor in Aunt Pussie is also living there and is more popular and histrionic than ever. Grandmother Hall stays up at the house on the Hudson still trying to cover for her alcoholic sons, although she lets Uncle Vallie come visit the city once in awhile for weekend binges. Eleanor, younger by several years, is expected to keep her aunt and uncle out of too much trouble.
During this first year back, Hall, Eleanor’s only surviving younger brother, is away at a private school. It is Eleanor who writes him every day and visits him on holidays. Her sense of responsibility dictates that she takes on a mothering role for him and provide him a home. This additional duty is an emotional demand she juggles throughout Hall’s life. Sadly, she will see this smart young man live a short life riddled with the poor decisions of an alcoholic.
The social season is starting and Eleanor is expected to gaily attend balls and cotillions as part of her ‘coming out.’ Akin to the marketing of toys at Christmas, the question to be answered is—Who will be the belle of the ball? This is determined by who can create the biggest ‘buzz’ i.e. attract the most dance partners, the most glamorous dresses, the most articles in the social column, and be the most beautiful. All this effects the rest of a woman’s life since this is her only legacy.
Eleanor’s mother had been the belle of the ball. Eleanor’s aunts, each year of their own coming out had also been the belle of the ball, her Grandmother Hall had been the belle of her ball. Eleanor was not. She writes of that time, “I knew I was the first girl in my mother’s family who was not a belle and, though I never acknowledged it to any of them at that time, I was deeply ashamed.”6
Because Eleanor’s Uncle Teddy is the President of the United States, the newspaper social columns are careful to not call his niece’s debut a failure, otherwise she might have suffered more humiliation. Instead articles about Eleanor are filled in with nostalgic memories of her mother’s beauty and charm.
•
Did Eleanor read these columns and realize she had missed the mark? Did the other debutantes turn their heads to whisper cruel comments behind her back? Eleanor acknowledges, “…I was struggling through in formal society each night, and yet I would not have wanted at that age to be left out, for I was still haunted by my upbringing and believed that what was known as New York Society was really important.”7
In this Siren’s call of the Gilded Age, Eleanor tries to follow her heart and do meaningful work for the poor. She volunteers at a settlement house in the city.
The settlement movement is a social reform effort of the late 1800s to have the rich and the poor live more closely together—diversify the neighborhood. The focus is a ‘settlement house’ in a poor urban area that houses middle-class volunteers who can help provide food, academic instruction and cultural lessons to the low income neighbors, particularly children.
Eleanor has done charity work before but from a distance. She has visited hospitals and orphanages with her family during holidays to help with such niceties like decorating a Christmas tree. Now she dives in to her new “volunteer world.” Refusing rides with her friends in carriages, she chooses public transportation and starts learning a new point of view. Eleanor writes, “The dirty streets, crowded with foreign-looking people, filled me with terror, and I often waited on a corner for a car, watching, with a great deal of trepidation…”8
In the midst of volunteering and the debutante balls, Eleanor is seeing Franklin. One afternoon he comes with her to parts of New York City he has never known. He is stunned by the living conditions of these people.
Eleanor is touched by this soft spot in Franklin’s heart, and she opens up to him. She starts becoming needier of his presence in her daily life and begins conceding her goals at the settlement house for his political dreams.
Mlle. Souvestre’s letter “…your life, which is entirely new and entirely different, and in several respects entirely contradictory, is going to take you and drag you into its turmoil…” is about to become a fulfilled prophecy.
* * * * *
3
MARRIAGE
Franklin, aside from being Eleanor’s fifth cousin once removed, is an only child. For every moment of callous neglect in Eleanor’s life, Franklin was being pampered and coddled by two parents. At eight years old he writes, “Mama left this morning and I am going to take my bath alone.”1 ‘Mama’ is Sara Delano Roosevelt.
Able to recite her Delano lineage back to William the Conqueror, Sara can trump anyone who dares to compare their family history with hers. This haughty heritage is her greatest gift to Franklin. She declares, “My son Franklin is a Delano, not a Roosevelt at all.”2 Sara conveniently ignores that her family’s wealth came from the lucrative but unseemly business trade of opium.
Sara lives and breathes Society, which at that time was so important it really did have a capital ‘S.’ Enjoying her position at the peak of this pyramid, Sara cannot imagine having Jews or politicians in her beloved mansion any more than she can imagine someday having a mixed-race president.
Stories prevail in polite whispers about Sara’s intrusive interactions into the minutest detail of Franklin’s life. A family friend says of her, “She was an indulgent mother but would not let her son call his soul his own.”3 Franklin’s father isn’t much better.
James Roosevelt, a widower, is fifty-two when he marries Sara who is twenty-six. They reside at Springwood, their estate on the Hudson River. James is every bit as committed to raising Franklin as is Sara. He teaches Franklin to swim, fish, ride, hunt, sail and golf. James envisions that his son will carry on the country squire position which he is carefully crafting. With the airs of an English nobleman, James can outsnob the Vanderbilts who live up the road. When an invitation comes from them for dinner, James refuses on the grounds, “If we accept we will have to have these people in our home.”4
Franklin
Delano Roosevelt and his mother, Sara Delano Roosevelt, 1887
James’ saving grace from this imperious perspective is his teaching Franklin a recurring motif of the Roosevelt families—to ease the suffering of the lower class. Sara isn’t so impressed with this trait, but James manages to pass it on to Franklin.
This ability for Franklin to reach past his own egocentric behaviors and consider the plight of the less fortunate is the point of connection he shares with Eleanor. It is this spark during their courtship that will keep them together during tumultuous years ahead.
Franklin is attending Harvard when his father dies. Because Sara can’t bear to be alone she rents a house in Boston to be near her son. During this time, Franklin has started seeing Eleanor. Whether it is devious or self preservation, Franklin has not told his mother about Eleanor and his plans to marry her.
When Sara is informed about her son’s intentions, she is not pleased. She extracts from Franklin the promise that he will keep the engagement a secret for one year. The year includes tickets for a six week cruise to the Caribbean. There are three first class reservations; one for Sara, one for Franklin and one for any friend of his as long as it isn’t Eleanor. Franklin agrees.
If you would just run a comb through your hair, dear, you’d look
so much nicer.”
—Sara speaking to Eleanor5
Eleanor’s desire to appease degrades her standard of integrity when she accepts Franklin’s agreement to keep the engagement secret. Living a falsehood is not Eleanor’s forte. Although she follows the rules of decorum and does not express her emotions directly, it makes her angry. If she does lash out, she immediately follows with an apology. She writes to Franklin, “I’ve come to the conclusion that I need someone to watch over my temper, it makes me so cross with myself to lose it, and yet, I am forever doing it.”6
Frustrated with Sara’s iron will to interfere, Eleanor’s own iron will emerges to win Sara over. Practiced in the craft of placating, Eleanor knows the first thing to do is look small and exude helplessness. Eleanor does this with both Sara and Franklin. She has been signing her letters to Franklin just as she had her father; ‘Your dear little Nell.’
Sara
talking to Eleanor, Campobello, 1904
Franklin
talking to Eleanor, Campobello, 1904
Eleanor’s ability to diminish her desires becomes apparent as her work at the settlement house starts taking a back burner. Wanting to see Franklin more often she writes him, “I would not be going I’m afraid, but one must do something, or not having the person who is all the world to me would be unbearable.”7
Eleanor has hardly considered her volunteering a mere ‘something.’ In fact, her personal commitment has annoyed relatives, and they worry she will bring home some disease. Now that she is reverting back to being politely involved, she cuts herself off not only from the work she loves but from female friends who support her independence. Eleanor, nineteen years old, could join a couple of these ladies and go to college. She doesn’t. She continues to shift her interests to Franklin.
For anyone shaking their head in wonder and asking, “Why is she doing this?” It is a valid question.
“It was a wife’s duty to be interested in whatever interested
her husband, whether it was politics, books, or a particular dish for
dinner.”
—Eleanor explaining the social realities of her time
The few years of nurturing support Eleanor received at Allenswood have not been enough to counterbalance the effects of her dysfunctional family and this tightly scripted society. In a letter to Franklin, Eleanor writes, “I feel lost without you somewhere near. I used to think myself so self-sufficient, but I’m learning too quickly how much of my happiness lies in someone else’s hands….”8
What about Franklin? For a man whose insulated life and nonchalance has earned him the nickname ‘Feather Duster,’ Eleanor, with her serious demeanor, hardly seems a fit. There are other debutantes eager to accommodate Franklin’s frivolous ego.
What Eleanor gives is a younger version of what Franklin’s mother started. Franklin is to be the center of her attention. But there is more. Eleanor also provides a means to meet his professional aspirations.
The history of what motivates Franklin is thoroughly documented in various biographies. They all concur that Franklin loves power, and he is looking to politics to best fulfill this ambition. Considering the deluge of stories that proclaim Franklin’s abilities to successfully scheme—is it a mere coincidence that he chooses Eleanor whose uncle is the president?
•
The couple survives the year of secrecy imposed by Sara, and eventually their engagement is announced. Notes of congratulation follow. It is one of the few times Franklin is not the lead attraction. A secretary of Franklin’s later writes, “...he said that when his engagement was announced, all the congratulations were showered on him for securing Eleanor as a wife. He felt, he said, that some people, at least, should have congratulated her for securing him as a husband.”9
Not everyone will agree with Franklin. An old school mate of Eleanor’s is not at all impressed with the match. She makes note that Franklin is “by no means good enough for her.”10
Sara maintains the opposite. She has gone along with her son’s wishes, but the undercurrent remains; Eleanor is not welcome. Sara’s wedding gift to Eleanor is a choker necklace. The style is also known as a ‘dog collar.’
Eleanor
wearing her wedding dress, 1905
Eleanor wants Uncle Teddy to give her away. March 17 is available if the wedding can be arranged around the president attending the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in New York City. Eleanor and Franklin are married March 17, 1905.
Their honeymoon in Europe is a yo-yo of emotional intimacy and distance. After a few wonderful days in Venice, they travel north, and Franklin suggests a hike up the mountains. Eleanor demurs, and Franklin trots off with another American woman who has been flirting with him. They are gone till after dark.
Eleanor doesn’t see that she is back in the same position as with her father. Her hopes and feelings are carelessly tossed aside, and she is waiting again. Instead, Eleanor berates herself and says, “I never said a word. I was jealous beyond description.”11 This will lead to years of passive aggressive behaviors in Eleanor as Franklin will be a womanizer the rest of his life.
In England, Eleanor continues building a doormat persona. While they are visiting friends, Eleanor is asked to give a talk to open the local fair. Her initial reaction is, “quite certain that I could never utter a word aloud in a public place.”12
On the trip home Eleanor thinks she is suffering from sea sickness. It’s morning sickness.
Back in New York City, Sara has insisted she will make housing arrangements for the newlyweds. She has also gone ahead and completely furnished the place and staffed it with servants of her choice. It is conveniently three blocks from Sara’s city house.
Sara’s disregard for her daughter-in-law’s preferences successfully muzzles Eleanor’s opinions in anything. Franklin, never wanting to confront his mother, doesn’t ever come to Eleanor’s defense. A tag team for wrestling would marvel at this match up. Sara’s subversive attacks, and Franklin’s ability to exploit Eleanor’s fears is constantly keeping Eleanor off balance. Eleanor reflects back on this time and says, “Instead of taking an interest in these houses, one of which I was to live in, I left everything to my mother-in-law and my husband.”13
True to the rules of polite society, Eleanor does not ever reveal the honest version in public statements about her personal life. It is left for us to wonder how she felt when Sara visited and presumed to rearrange the furniture. What leverage is Eleanor left with when this Grandma buys horses for her grandsons after Eleanor had taken away their ponies as punishment? Any hint of the truth Eleanor covers with excuses or takes the blame herself. She maintains this stance to the grave.
“I looked at everything from the point of view of what I ought
to do, rarely from the standpoint of what I wanted to do. There were
times when I almost forgot that there was such a thing as wanting
anything.”
—Eleanor writes her autobiography14
Franklin wants a big family, and so Eleanor has 6 children within the first 11 years of their marriage. She suffers the loss of the third child who dies at 8 months old. The roles of wife and mother take precedence over her own needs and any hope of confidence in these roles is extinguished with the constant overriding opinions of her mother-in-law.
Sara makes sure the children know they can always come to her for money and they will hear, “Your mother only bore you. I am more your mother than your mother is.”15 The son Elliott will later recall, “…Granny spoiled us and we could do no wrong in her eyes.”16 Eleanor comments about that time, “I was not allowed to take care of the children, nor had I any sense of how to do it.”17
Eleanor
and Franklin—During happy days at Campobello, 1910
Appeasing Sara, overbearing nannies and spending days living up to society’s standards all lead to a painful and lonely distance between Eleanor and her children. She is unable to see the similar pattern of her own childhood where her emotional needs were neither acknowledged nor met.
“I stand back and look at myself and think, that isn’t you as
an individual; that is you as the personage you may happen to have to
be for this period of time.”
—Eleanor’s “My Day”
column18
Franklin is appointed Assistant Secretary of the Navy, and they move to Washington D.C. Eleanor dutifully performs the job of a Washington wife spending every afternoon out “calling” on the political wives in the city. Never staying more than six minutes, she sometimes makes ten to thirty visits a day. At one point, Eleanor is getting 2,000 invitations a year for Navy teas.19
Eleanor is expected to keep up the social entertaining at home too. During one dinner party at their house Eleanor goes upstairs to say good night to the children. She delays going back downstairs for so long that Franklin comes to find her. She tells him, “I just can’t stand to greet all those people. I know they all think I am dull and unattractive. I just want to hide up here.”20 Eleanor is 29 years old.
At a fund raising luncheon with hundreds of ladies, Eleanor is asked to speak. She wants to say ‘no,’ but Sara is in the audience. Eleanor gets up and makes a request for donations which results in several thousand of dollars being raised. In spite of this she says, “I trembled so, that I did not know whether I could stand up, and I am quite sure my voice could not be heard.”21
Eleanor and Franklin are fitting neatly into the prescribed pattern for Washington D.C. couples. Franklin is free to pursue his dreams, and Eleanor acquiesces to the job of supporting him. Eleanor acknowledges she has become “a completely colorless echo of my husband and mother-in-law and torn between them. I might have stayed a weak character forever if I had not found that out.”22
Eleanor
Roosevelt with children, James, Elliott and Anna in Hyde Park, 1911